Original subtitles

Hey,

Drew, how was your ride home last night?

Well, first, I thought the potato you put in my tailpipe was the trick.

But then, I thought it was the crazy glue on the accelerator.

Then, I thought it was the dead fish you put underneath my seat.

Then I realized that that was only there to feed the raccoon.

Okay, so how was your ride home?

Well, after a brief struggle with a raccoon over control of the car, which I

won, and after another fight over the fish, which I also won, I went home, had

nice grilled trout dinner, and a series of shots. Thank you.

You have to admit the raccoon and the fish were genius.

Yeah, well, next to you, any small -brained animal is a genius.

I'm jealous because I'm the master.

I'd have you bow down to me if I thought you had a waist to bend at.

Hey, bagel man, where's the fire?

Do you mind if I borrow some of your sweet margarine? Well, get your own pig.

Nom, nom, nom, nom.

Nom, nom, nom, nom.

Nom,

nom, nom, nom. Nom, nom, nom, nom. Nom, nom, nom, nom. Nom,

nom, nom, nom.

Nom, nom, nom, nom.

I'll give you a hint. Eat, lather, rinse, repeat.

Drew, I need you to put on this blindfold.

Hey, about time we got over this whole platonic thing.

Yeah, it would take a blindfold to get over this platonic thing.

Now, taste this.

Wow, a blindfold and the words, taste this.

What could possibly go wrong?

Coffee? Beer?

Buzz beer.

Cap beer Chino? What the hell is this?

It's a microbrewery started up by some guys in Shaker Heights.

You know what I think? I think they stole our idea.

Oh, my God, it tastes just like buzz beer. They ripped it off.

See? We can't afford competition. We're barely breaking even as a monopoly.

Gary, I need those files with the employee health benefits.

Yes, sir, right away.

Oh, good Lord, man.

It's nine o 'clock in the morning. You're already half in the bag.

No, sir, I've been drinking it all.

Sorry,

that was a beer -battered shrimp.

Mr. Wick, in Drew's defense, I've seen him way drunker than this much earlier

the day.

Carrie, call yourself a cab and go home immediately.

Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I'm perfectly sober.

I'm not drunk. I haven't been drinking at all.

Um, why don't you give him a chance, sir?

Ask him to walk a straight line.

Let's see it.

Please be careful, Drew.

I think he swallowed his tongue.

I'd better give him the Heimlich.

We got a great deal on a used truck.

No other coffee beer company is going to be able to deliver their beer any

faster, better than we can.

It's a refrigerated truck, too.

It's so cold in the back, Oswald made a frozen sneeze.

You should see it. It's just hanging there.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm Chris Vanderkamp, owner of Cap Beer Chino.

I'm looking for someone who does the buying.

I do a lot of buying here. Welcome to Drew's.

Cappuccino, huh?

Coffee -flavored beer. Where'd you ever come from?

Interesting story.

You know what a eureka moment is?

Yeah? Well, I was drinking a bottle of Buzz beer, and I said, eureka, I can

duplicate this.

I'm having a eureka moment right now. Eureka, there's a club behind the bar.

Dude, rip me off.

I'm Drew Carey. I'm one of the owners of Buzz beer.

Wow. I always thought it might be a little uncomfortable meeting you, but

not, because my lawyer said there's nothing you can do.

Ours says cappuccino, not coffee.

Oh, so you ripped me off?

You think you can come in here and sell your beer in my neighborhood bar? Well,

let me tell you something here, buddy.

Nobody around here is going to be buying that stuff. We want something with

cappuccino in it. We'll go to... We don't know where we're going to go. We

care, but we're not going to drink it around here, that's for sure. So thanks

for stopping by.

Well, I don't know about that.

Why don't we let these two customers decide? See if they'll buy it.

Okay, fine.

Uh, excuse me, strangers.

This is Mr.

Vandekamp. He has a new beer he'd like you to try.

Well, I don't know. I feel kind of funny taking something from a guy I've never

seen before and another guy I've really never seen before.

Okay, we'll give it a shot.

That is, if we know each other, we do know each other, don't we?

Just drink it, sir.

It's not bad.

That's Cat Beertino. It's the new competition for Buzz Beer.

Oh.

Well, it's malty, nutty, yet I'm completely blind.

Hey,

guys.

Some Buzz Beer.

Hey, Buzz Beer, guys.

beer guys.

Uh, you want us to give a message to the buzz beer guys?

Oh, this is too good.

You're the brains of the operation?

Ha ha ha! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Violence never solved anything.

Oh, yeah?

World War I, World War II, Star Wars, every Super Bowl, who said violence

solved anything?

True, true, true.

Can we stop pretending to hold you now?

I may not be able to stop you from selling your beer around here, but let

tell you something, pal. You're in for a fight, because we got a truck now, and

everybody's going to know we're coming.

Hey,

this isn't so bad, huh? We should have bought a truck a long time ago.

Yeah, like 80 years ago when it was new.

Hey, I think we're lucky. Who would have thought an ice cream truck would have

been so cheap?

We're driving in our beer truck, delivering our beat here. We'll bring

to everyone.

Please stop the music.

Uh -oh. We're headed into another school zone. Battle positions, everyone.

It's that music.

It's like a magnet for these kids.

Doesn't anyone know how to shut it off? Oh, my God.

The Little League game just ended.

We've got six 10 -speeds on our tail, and they've got bats.

back there. We can't afford to lose that.

Hey, the kids are falling back.

I think they think we're shooting at them.

There's a cop. Maybe he can help us.

Oswald, we are now driving in a giant open container.

This is great. We buy a truck and it breaks down the next day. I guess the

odometer said a million and one miles.

We bought a lemon. We have to take it back.

Oh, we're losing our entire inventory.

Our new truck is screwed up.

At least things couldn't get any worse.

All right, that's it. I'm taking her into the river. I can't believe the guy

the dealership wouldn't fix the refrigeration unit because it wasn't

under a warranty.

Well, let this be a lesson to us.

Never sign a warranty that's written on the back of a subpoena.

I hope Lewis and Oswald gave those guys a piece of their mind.

Man, this really ticks me off.

I know what happened.

They saw you walk in the door and thought, now there's a sucker. What a

hump. I can't wait to take advantage of this big clueless moron with the dweeby

glasses and the stupid haircut.

Oh, you know, you do have a point. Yeah.

You're one of our main buzz beer guys. What are you drinking cappuccino?

Supermodel Rachel Hunter. She drinks this beer. So if I drink it, she'll like

me.

Rachel Hunter wouldn't like you if you were made out of gold.

Besides, who needs supermodels anyway?

Now, Buzz Beer is the beer of attainable women.

Hey, we have a new slogan.

Oh, no, we don't. Hey, I'll tell you a slogan.

Cap Beercino.

The beer of beautiful people.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if you're going to be one of the beautiful people, you better get rid of

that flabby guy suit you're wearing.

Oh, would you look at this?

It's a Cap Beercino invasion.

Like, she really drinks Cap Beercino. I do drink Cap Beercino.

Rachel Hunter. Hey, listen, if you never got my letters, I'm sleepless and

hungry in Cleveland.

That's not Rachel Hunter. It can't be. It is Rachel Hunter. I know Rachel

like the back of my hand, kind of.

Hi, Rachel.

We made Buzz beer.

We don't have a lot of money. We don't have an advertising budget. But I'm

going to try to compete with Cappuccino for your endorsement.

Now let's both write down a number that we think is reasonable and see how far

off we are.

Okay?

Okay. All right.

Time's up.

Cut off some more paper, please. All right, Major.

Major.

Do I get to work with these guys?

Because... That would change everything.

You got blown off by a supermodel.

Hey, so how'd it go? How'd the protest go?

I'm guessing it was hot outside because the words woman fresh really don't apply

here, buddy.

Hey, give us a break. We spent six hours in the hot sun.

What would the guy at the dealership say?

Well, first he tried to ignore us, but, you know, you can only ignore two giant

lemons for so long.

Especially when Oswald fell on his back and couldn't get up.

Then the heat got to us and we started throwing up.

Before you know it, you got two guys in lemon suits rolling around on their

backs, throwing up.

So anyway, he caved in and he's fixing the refrigeration unit. We'll have the

truck tomorrow morning.

Here's the kicker, Drew. This is what was screwing up the thermostat.

Oh my God, it's a Camperchino bottle cap.

Those creeps sabotaged our truck. I got a good mind. Hey, I want a large fry.

I know what we should do. We should start spreading ugly rumors about that

We'll say if you drink it backwards, there's a satanic message.

From Shaker Heights, the rich.

They got money, lawyers, Rachel Hunter.

What do you mean, Capiercino makes you impotent?

No, no, no, that's buzz beer.

I heard it this morning from the Capiercino distributor.

Well, that's it.

They can come in here and slur my name. They can take away our company. But when

they blame my occasional reluctance, if I had any, which I don't, on

Buzz Beer and not some freaky industrial accident, well, then they've gone too

far.

All right, we got to get them where it ought to be.

Hey, I got it. You know what's really going to hurt those guys? On their home

turf. They can come in here and sell their beer.

We'll go over to their ritzy neighborhood and we'll shove Buzz Beer

people's throats.

Hey, we got a new slogan.

No, we don't.

Um, there's nothing like the smell of fresh -made donuts.

Come here. Let me help you with those.

Go away, pig. Come on.

Just one donut. One stinking donut.

Okay. Tell you what.

I'll let you smell them.

but I don't want to do it with you, Drew.

Good God.

First the drink, now the nose candy.

That's not what you think, sir, although I do call it nose candy.

Kerry, we have programs covered by your medical benefits. We can get you the

help you need.

Mr. Wick, I am not a drug.

Wait, sir, are these paid days off?

What am I saying? Listen, let me put it this way.

Isn't cocaine supposed to be an appetite suppressant?

Enough said.

All right, all right. You can wear the clothes tonight, but first thing in the

morning, you're getting those naked rich people out of your trunk.

Hey, we're going to be selling our beer in Shaker Heights. It's a pretty fancy

area. We thought we'd better fit in.

Well, how'd you pay for this stuff?

An extremely liberal return policy, which will probably be revoked tomorrow.

Yeah. But don't worry, we're still ourselves. Under all of this is a pair

underwear that says, Home of the Whopper.

Oswald, those were a gag gift.

Yeah, well, when you get to the bottom of the drawer, joke's over.

for the guys who never call.

Look at all the women.

And none of them have an ugly friend.

How are you supposed to start a conversation without the ugly friend?

Excuse me.

You can't bring a six -pack in here, but I'm glad to keep it for you behind the

bar. Oh, buddy, when I'm done talking to you, not only will you keep it behind

the bar, you'll keep it on tap.

Let me guess, you're a salesman.

Actually, we're a small consortium representing the owners of Buzz Beer who

to remain anonymous due to their standing in high society.

Excuse me.

Are these nuts free?

I guess they are. Help yourself.

You know, isn't this the Camp Irchino knockoff? Excuse me.

No matter how many we take?

Well, within reason.

Let me tell you a little bit about Buzz Beer.

Like our slogan, Buzz Beer, friend of the urethra.

What if we start putting that on the label?

Oswald and I have been putting new slogans on the bottles every month. It

it more exciting to buy.

Buzz beer.

Happy birthday, Mom. Love, Oswald.

Well, it's the only card I knew she'd read.

Let me tell you about a... our aggressive promotional campaign.

When Buzz Beer started out, we promoted it as the working man's beer. But what

we're aiming at now is the upscale market, the cognac crowd, the brandy

you know, the people that wouldn't let you into the ski club because you had

homemade snow pants.

So, what's the campaign?

Well, I'll tell you. We took the word buzz, which just used to mean how you

after you've had a few beers. But now it means, what's the buzz?

The buzz is everywhere, and the buzz is good. It's good, yeah. That's our

campaign? What's the buzz on Wall Street? What's the buzz in Paris?

I'll tell you what the buzz is. The buzz is good. It's good!

I'll have to think about it.

Hey, it's my buzz beer buddies. How you doing?

What are you doing here?

Well, this is my bar. This is where I hang out. This is where Cat Fiortino was

born. You mean stolen, don't you?

Let me tell you something else, Beanpole. You're going to pay for

truck.

I've never even been near your truck.

Bastard. I think you people should leave.

Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe we don't want to leave. Maybe we just want to stand here and

the per capita income of the room.

You're also lowering the floor, tubby.

Drew, Drew, don't say a word. No, no, Drew.

You know what? They may have loads of money in their fancy bars, but we got

thing that they'll never have.

No class.

I wish we would have sold one case of beer, though.

Oh, we did, Drew. We sold a case. We sold a big old case of whoop -ass.

It's good to be home, though, huh? God bless the Warsaw. Hey, Joe, four buzz

beers.

We don't carry buzz beer anymore.

What? The Cappuccino guys got this new promotion.

They're giving away 25 free trips to Tahiti. Now everybody wants Cappuccino.

Same old story. The rich, popular kids win.

Oh, the hell they do.

Hey, listen up, everybody.

I'm Drew Carey. I'm one of the owners of Buzz Beer.

Now, something's really wrong here. Look at what you're drinking.

We're drinking what Rachel drinks.

Come on, what's wrong with you guys?

You don't need this pretentious crap.

You're being taken in by their advertising.

You can't choose a beer based on a slick advertising campaign.

Hey, hey, hey, look, look. I won.

history with you people. This is a neighborhood bar. We're a neighborhood

Frank, when your kid had his college graduation party and money was a little

tight, who funded you the money for the kegs of beer, huh?

Buzz beer.

And Al, you couldn't get lucky to save your life.

What beer made you more interesting, huh?

Buzz beer.

Fran. When you caught your husband in bed with your best friend, what beer

bottles did you slam over his head?

Buzz beer.

Stink. What beer made you sleep late and get fired, huh?

That's a bad example, but listen.

What beer did you cry into the next day?

Buzz beer.

So what's your beer, huh?

Buzz beer.

Wait a minute.

Beer is beer. We get just as drunk on their beer as we do on yours.

And yours, we don't get, Rachel Hunter.

Hey, forget Rachel.

all right? This is a neighborhood bar. You want a neighborhood girl.

So instead of Rachel Hunter, who won't ever return your letters, believe me, I

know, we're giving away a free date with Kate.

Plus buzz beer is the beer of attainable women.

cappuccino crap out of here.

Jim's on the cutout.

Okay, I'm almost done. Has anybody seen us?

No, the coast is clear.

Drew, are you sure this is absolutely necessary?

Drew, I know we hate cappuccino and everything, but I think we went too far.

This is evil.

Hey, listen.

They tried to put us out of business. They sabotaged our truck. Poor Oswald

could have been killed.

But still.

Come on, let's just get out of here.