Original subtitles

Are you sure this is the sex channel?

Been that long, huh, buddy?

I can't make it out through all the squiggly lines. Why don't you just pay

ten bucks a month so we can actually see it?

I can't. I already get the Cartoon Network, and I heard if you get that and

sex channel, they put you in a special file.

What are they doing?

You see, Oswald, when two people fall in love... I know.

But how old are these porn stars? I could swear he's giving her oxygen.

Wait, I think they're actually talking.

And as the doctor cuts into the patient's abdomen, the pancreas

not the sex channel, it's the surgery channel.

Yeah, but if you think about it, they're still naked.

Well, if history has taught us anything, it's my mom.

You guys, you've got to help me. I can't get rid of Monique. He wanted to go

back to my place, so I told him I lived here.

I don't want some weirdo on my house. They're trying to watch Spamble Surgery

here.

Please, please. I just want you to act like my crazy family, so leave me alone,

please. All right. I'm taping this anyway.

Okay, here it comes. Scatter. Okay, go.

Kate, my pet.

I'm sorry it took so long.

Did you miss me?

No.

What do you say we start off with a little drink?

Okay, okay. Why not? Since we're here all alone.

I knew you were fooling around on me, woman.

Oh, no.

Clark, my obsessively jealous boyfriend.

That's right, and I'm mighty angry.

No, you were living here with someone. Yeah. Maybe I should just leave. Yeah,

maybe you ought to, because things are going to get ugly.

Wait a minute. I can't leave you with this. This guy's dangerous.

No, he's not dangerous. He's just stupid.

You can go. I'm fine.

Stupid?

Stupid?

Somebody calls me stupid.

What are you doing here? I thought I made it clear to you that this is my

Oh, my God. I've got to get you out of this house.

Uh, no. You don't want her. She's going to have a baby.

You're pregnant?

Yeah. It's my baby.

And I'm her brother.

You're her brother. Why do you have an accent?

Uh, because I was born on vacation.

Oh, you weren't? I ought to know. I'm your father.

No, no. I'm your father. No, you're not. You're my father.

This is crazy, Kate. I gotta get you out of here. Please.

There's a shelter I can take you to.

Yeah, whatever.

So ends another evening of Trailer Park Dinner Theater.

Join us tomorrow when we'll present Tennessee Williams' A Truck Stop Named

Desire.

Okay, it's a half -hour tip -off. Now, here's the rules.

Every time they make a two -pointer, we take a drink. When they make a three

-pointer, we chug along.

Free throw, take a sip.

And they dribble.

Sippity, sippity, sippity, sippity, sippity, sippity.

Hey, we got to get going to the game. Yeah. You guys are going to the game? I

thought we were watching it on TV.

Well, we were going to surprise you when you saw it on TV, but what the heck.

You're looking at the new corporate sponsors of the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Oswald, putting a Buzz beer sticker on your ass and stricking the game does not

make you a corporate sponsor.

Hey, that was a golf tournament. It was hot and it was an isolated incident.

Liberating, but isolated.

Besides, we've come up with a much better idea for free publicity.

We're going to slap Buzz beer stickers on the Cavs players as they run onto the

court. Hey, good job, buddy. What a job out there tonight. You are a dynamite

out there.

Once again, walking that fine line between advertising and felonious

There's more.

I'm a reporter in the locker room after the game.

Thanks for the interview!

Is that a quick peek in the showers to see who's the most valuable player? And

I'm off.

Hey, you can come with us if you want.

No, I think it's best to keep somebody on the outside with bail. Okay.

Ah! Earl, you're out!

Hey, buddy, can I come in? The game's almost on.

Oh, yeah, sure, so you can pull a gun on me again?

On second thought, don't move. I'll watch you right there when I call the

But first, I'm going to lock the back door. Hey, Earl!

Relax, Drew. I was released.

And since making amends is part of my rehabilitation, I just wanted to stop by

and say I'm sorry.

Boy, is my face red about that whole attempted murder thing.

What was I thinking?

Yeah, you really goofed up there, Beef.

Hey, listen, you hungry?

I got some pizza in the other room, huh? Oh, great, but no olives.

Antidepressants and olives kind of make me a little gassy.

Yeah, hi.

There's a maniac here who tried to kill me. My name is Drew Carey. Who are you

talking to, Drew?

Oh, no one. Just doing my phone curls.

Not!

Look, you know, I know you were calling the cops, and I understand, but I did my

time, you know? I've really changed. I'm feeling better. Look, here's my relief

form.

If you're confident, this inmate can be reintroduced as a useful member of

society. Hey, you got an A in racquetball.

Hey, also, here's my EKG. Look at this.

Crazy,

crazy, crazy, crazy.

Same, right there.

Wow.

It's all there in black and white, huh?

Oh, man, look, I'm sorry I doubted you, man, and I'm glad you got the help you

need. Hey, listen, why don't you have a seat? The game's about to start.

You want something to drink to go with that pizza? Yeah, great.

Iced tea okay?

Uh -huh.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, Drew Carey, I just called you. Listen, there's a maniac.

Earl, get off the phone.

I'm hurt, but I'm not mad.

There.

Anger gone.

That's just a little technique I learned in prison therapy to help me manage my

rage. I mean my unhappy thoughts.

Well, I gotta go. I gotta roast in the oven.

Hey, do you guys have a neighborhood watch?

Yeah, right we do. So don't try sneaking around my house.

No, no, no, no. Actually, I was hoping to be block commander.

Yeah, I'm renting the place next door.

Howdy, neighbor.

So the upshot is I can't come within 50 feet of a

Cavs player.

It's a slap on the wrist, really.

So what about Earl?

He's always watching me.

The cop said until he does something illegal, there's nothing I can do. But

he starts killing me, whoop, baby, do I got him.

Well, you better be careful, Drew. His bathroom window is directly across from

your bedroom window. You can see everything.

How do you know that?

Well, remember that cute Italian guy who rented the place before Earl?

I happened to be glancing out the window one day, and he was butt naked.

Eventually.

I mean, Earl can see right into my bedroom?

Mm -hmm.

Oh, man, last night I was watching Grease 2 in my underwear.

That'll teach the bastard.

Sorry to hear about your aunt, Mimi.

She was an embarrassment to the Bo -Bep name.

I'm hearing a eulogy with a heckler.

This ring signifies my new title.

It was passed on from generation to generation.

Except Auntie was a little stubborn, so I told the hearse driver I was going in

for a last kiss goodbye.

Hey, neighbor.

Earl, what are you doing here?

I came to ask you for a really big favor.

Earl, don't you understand? We don't have the basis of a good relationship.

You know, we kind of got off on the wrong foot that time you pulled a gun on

Truly, that was a toy gun.

If you don't believe me, call the cops.

Okay, so it wasn't a real gun, but, you know, scaring an overweight man, that's

a great idea.

I was reaching out. In my own stupid, mixed -up way, I was trying to say, Hey,

I want you to be my role model.

What? I mean, somebody stable and healthy to look up to. Somebody who

nice, bland, uneventful life.

You know, I mean, look at you. If Gray had a face...

I'll do your housework. I'll do your gardening if you want. You know, I'll be

your little monkey just to make you laugh.

You know, I always wanted somebody to say that to me, just not a bald guy with

sideburns.

Come on, give me a chance.

You know, at the same time, you'll be teaching me how to be normal.

I don't want to go to prison again, Drew.

You know, ten hours a day in a cell barely bigger than your cubicle.

You know, no natural light.

You know, kind of like this.

The guards barking orders at you, demeaning you.

Sounds like hell.

Kid!

Working here, boss.

Atta boy.

Chancellor's the only place I really feel comfortable in my body. Oh, I can

that, you scary little freak, yeah?

Hey, neighbor. Great shirt.

Hey, I was about to tell you the same thing.

You know, Earl, I've got to tell you, since you've been watching me, I feel

you're really getting your life together.

Here, let me ask you something.

When you went crazy, did you suddenly see black, then see red, then you woke

like two minutes later and you didn't know where you were or what you'd done?

No.

I'm okay then.

You know, Earl, Drew's a great guy to look up to, but it's important to be an

individual. You have to be yourself.

Yeah, that's an interesting point.

How do we feel about that, Drew?

We feel that our friends are just jealous because they weren't asked to be

models, but we'll let it go because we're the bigger man.

We don't say that because we're just setting ourselves up for a joke.

Got it.

Listen, I'm going to go order another cheeseburger.

Oh, wow.

Hey, I learn to eat when I'm not hungry.

Hey, thanks, man.

Okay, let me get this straight.

Follows you everywhere, stalker.

Follows you everywhere and kisses your butt, friend.

Hey, I can't help it if he wants to live in my shadow.

Yeah, him and the entire population of China.

Shadow, yeah, it's more like a total eclipse.

Three, shadow, yeah, because you're so fat. Real original, Oswald.

We're like a couple of dolphins the way we communicate.

Hey, Drew, I got a flat on the way over and I need a spare tire.

Thanks,

Kate. Six months since a girl touched me.

Ew, I touched a stranger's fat.

Hey, Earl.

Looking good, my man.

You too, Drew. See ya.

Hey, is that why you called to see what I was wearing today?

Yeah. Hey, you're not angry that I caught your look, are you?

No, I'm just glad to see it works for everybody.

So what are you doing here, Earl?

Oh, just, uh, you know, being a little monkey just to make you laugh.

Oh, man.

He does make me laugh.

Why'd you give him a key?

I didn't give him a key. I thought he came in with you guys.

Hey, he forgot his jacket.

Check his pockets. I bet he stole something.

No, wait, wait, hey, wait, this isn't right. He came to me because he wanted

someone to believe in, someone he could trust. He wanted a role model.

Check his wallet. Okay.

Uh -oh, look at this license.

That's my name, that's my address, but that's not my face.

How did he want a license with your name on it?

Maybe this will give us a clue.

Things to do. Monday, be more like Drew.

Tuesday, be more like Drew.

Wednesday, be more Drew.

Thursday, be Drew. Friday, Drew.

Saturday, pick up dry cleaning.

Pick up dry cleaning.

Pick up dry cleaning. What do you think he means by that?

I'll tell you what it means. It means he wants my life.

Hey, here's an idea. Let him have it.

Hey, pig, I need these forms filled out by 5 o 'clock.

No problem.

By the way, what's black and white and gross all over?

Oh, my God, you're not Drew. You're Creepy Earl.

Hi, Mimi.

What did you do with Drew?

Did you have him locked in a closet somewhere?

No. Oh, I know. Is he bound and gagged in the trunk of your car?

No. Oh, well, have you thought about tying him to a chair and dangling a

beef just out of reach of his tongue so that it drives him crazy?

It's just a thought.

Morning, Mimi.

Man, Peter the Cheetah tries to take you down.

Beautiful.

I'm having deja pig.

What are you talking about?

Morning, Drew.

Same old bunch of crap, huh?

All right, now I've been looking for you. We have to talk. And what's with

Ken wig?

Oh, good Lord, Kenny.

You didn't tell me you had a son.

I don't.

I heard this report where you suggest we promise the employees everything but

give them nothing.

I didn't write that report.

I did.

Well, this is a quandary.

I really liked it.

Well, he's doing my job. He shouldn't be doing my job.

Or should he?

I say you both show up tomorrow and we have a drew -off.

Whoever does the best job gets to be the Drew.

It's not much of a prize, but anyway.

Hey, listen, pal, I wanted to help you, but this is going too far. There can

only be one Drew Carey.

Yeah, you're right.

Look, I just admired your life, and I guess I went too far.

I'm just going to get out of your hair.

I guess it's best for everybody if I just disappeared.

Hey! Why don't you and your buddies come by tomorrow night and we'll throw back

a few farewell beers, huh?

No way.

We'll go over there and we'll make an excuse and we can leave right away.

I got one. I never stay in a house more than five minutes where the arms of the

chairs are made out of real arms.

All right, how about this?

We go over there and when we can't take it anymore, we'll go on and go, oh, boy,

am I sleepy.

Hey, does he know we're not all doctors?

Because we could say we're a team of surgeons and we've been called to an

emergency Siamese twin separation.

Okay, let's give that a special code name. We'll call that the Moron Plan.

Come in.

Oh, my God, it's my house.

Hey, guys, have a seat.

Make yourselves at home.

Well, it shouldn't be too hard for you, Drew.

Hey, who wants pizza?

Oh, come on. You want a slice? And you want a slice? I'll give you a slice. Go

on. Everybody wants a slice of pizza. I've got to warn you, though.

Even though I said don't, they put olives on the pizza. And I said...

He wants a beer.

Oh, I don't know, Earl. I really... Drew! What?

Drew! What? Calm down, Earl.

I'm Drew!

There is no Earl. That's who this farewell party's for. Earl is gone.

Well, this might be a little after the fact, but here's a little farewell

present for Earl.

Here, this is all my money. Gotta go.

Stop right there!

Drew, there's four of us and one of you. And with me supervising, they should be

able to take that knife away from you.

No, guys, you thought I was threatening you with this?

No, no.

No, this is for pizza.

No, this is for threatening you with.

Yeah, that's better, huh?

I'm sleepy.

Look, Earl, we all know that's a toy gun. Oh, yeah? You sure of that?

How lucky you've been in your life, Drew.

Oh, crap, it's a real gun.

Come on, buddy. I just want to lead a nice, simple, quiet life. So come into

kitchen where I can kill you.

Oh, man, I'm going to die in the kitchen.

I ain't proving that cocky cardiologist right.

You know what, Earl?

I can prove mathematically that you cannot kill Drew Carey. Oh, Drew, just

the kitchen and get it over with.

Wait a second. I want to hear this. I'm kind of a math bug.

Okay. There's a train leaving Pittsburgh going to Detroit at 140 miles an hour.

Yeah, it's Pittsburgh, Missouri. Okay.

Okay. And there's another train going 125 miles an hour from Boston to Albany,

New York. You got it?

Yeah.

Okay.

going to be able to do this in this town again because everyone's going to see

how dangerous you are.

Everyone in town?

You think I'm wrong thinking?

Plus beer stickers.