All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s02e19 Mans Best Same Sex Companion

I know you're nervous, B, but don't
worry, buddy. They can't take him twice.

Man, how long does it take to read a hip
x -ray? It's just a picture. It's not

like reading words or anything.

He's number two million five while
you're not a doctor.

For your information, I always wanted to
be a vet.

Animals fascinate me.

You know, I read an article that said
they can look right into our souls.

What do you see, Bertie?

Ah, illusions!

Probably just a lucky guess.

Yeah. Everybody knows lots of words.
Probably want a cracker?

Loser! Shut it down.

Loser! Shut up!

Anyone have a pet squirrel they left
outside?

Real cute, big teeth, doesn't like to
cuddle?

Shouldn't have tried to take his nuts.

Speedy, you want to come in? We'll talk
about the x -rays.

Well, this is it.

I'll come with you.

Sometimes he gets nervous and it helps
if I scratch his neck.

Atta boy.

Hi.

I couldn't help but notice your monkey.
Now I can't help but notice you.

Hey.

Okay. Seen the trick.

He's just a little fella, isn't he?

Please tell me there's not a second part
to this trick.

Oh, oh, sure, walk away. I was the one
getting groped by your monkey.

Hey, buddy, how'd it go?

Well, doctor says his hips are getting
worse, but the good news is there's a

operation that can fix them. Yeah,
except that it costs $2 ,700.

Wow, my car didn't even cost that much.

Loser! Shut up!

Well, I'm gonna get the money. I don't
care if it kills me.

Because I want you to know that
incredible feeling you get when you run

run and you just can't run no more.

How would you know what that feels like,
Drew?

Hey, listen.

Before we leave, I've got to go to the
men's room.

I'll be right back.

Oh, hi.

Thank you.

Sign here.

Sign here.

Put your hoof print right here.

What? A request form for eight more
vacation days? You just got back from

vacation. Your tan line hasn't even
faded yet.

Oh, dear God, please tell me there is a
tan line.

Met a cute guy in Miami, and let's just
say Mimi got her groove back.

Next week, we're going to meet to go
skiing.

A blind guy that can ski. Good for you.

Look, I'd love to give you extra time
off, but I can't. Even though a vacation

for you would be a vacation for my eyes.

I'm warning you. When I don't get any, I
can get mighty unpleasant.

I wonder if they make a mouthwash for
your head.

Hi, Drew.

You know, seeing how close you and
Speedy are and all those cute little

in the vet's office, I decided that I
wanted a little friend, too.

So look what I got during lunch.

Aw, it's a little... nothing. They're so
cute when they're small.

Oh, my gosh, where's my ferret? There
was a ferret in here.

How'd he figure out the lock?

He must have been looking in his little
mirror when I was doing the combination.

Oh, I think I found him. See ya.

Drew?

Well, enough small talk.

We need to update your personal
information for health benefit.

Is this the year you finally waddle into
the top risk group?

I'm sure the donut's rooting for you.

Don't push me, Nora. I got a lot on my
mind, including an expensive operation.

Surgery, huh?

Well, think happy thoughts.

but the operation's for my dog.

What?

You have a doggie?

And he needs surgery?

Let me see a picture.

This is Speedy. He needs a new hip.

Hey, you look about his size.

These are my children.

These are my dogs.

And these are my cats.

Aw, cat lady.

Who'd have guessed, huh?

So when's Speedy getting his operation?

Well, I want to get it done right away,
but I can't afford it.

Listen, I think I might be able to help
you.

I've worked out a system to use the
company insurance to pay vet bills.

You just claim your pet as a dependent.

What? That's cheating the system. I
can't do that.

The system gives its order.

Without the system, there is chaos.

Okay, I think everybody heard me. You
say no one's ever been caught?

Once in seven years.

Uh, what am I thinking? I can't cheat
the company. Besides, everyone knows I

don't have a wife and kids.

We have same -sex benefits.

You just pretend you're gay.

I'm sorry.

This is my stop. I think I'm getting
off.

Don't be a wuss. I'm the only one that
sees the forms.

I can't. It's crazy.

Okay, Drew.

I'll be crippled just so people don't
think you're gay.

Okay, look, I'll do it only if you let
me pay it back with interest.

Pay it back, and I'll send it in to the
company.

So, what would his name be?

Who?

Your lover.

I don't know.

Drew and John?

No.

Drew and Tom?

No. Drew and Michael.

Drew and Michael.

Cordially invite you to... Oh, what the
hell am I doing? Just put down anything.

Okay, be well, Speedy. Take care.

Thanks, Oswald. You can hang up now.

Did you hear him, Kate? Doesn't he sound
great?

For once, I am beating the shit out of
him. And since I'm paying him back with

interest, I don't feel bad at all.

Do you know what I do feel?

Huh? Something furry running up my leg.
Thug!

Thug! I'm not going to get him!

Hurry up!

He's getting really high. He's about to
find a home. All right, stand still.

Come out, you little weasels. Come to
mama.

Oh, jeez, is it promotion time already?

Wait, wait, wait.

I got it!

One, two, three.

Hey, we're going!

It's just been up Drew's pants. It's
probably going to jump off the building.

If you've emptied your ark, Slaughter
wants to see you immediately. It's about

some insurance claim you filed.

I guess they don't cover pulling your
head out of your butt.

Hi. You want to see me? Come on in,
Drew.

Now, this is a rather delicate area. Did
I mention how wonderful you all look

today? It's a pleasure just to... Quit
babbling.

If I want to hear babbling, I'll talk to
one of these yes -men.

That's right.

Now, Drew, how's Aaron's hip coming
along?

Who? Your significant other?

Yeah, great.

You know, it's going to take a while to
heal, but the vet said... I mean, the

doctor. He was a vet.

That's the only kind of doctor I'll use,
one who served his country in the field

of battle. God bless America.

Sit down, Mr.

Carey. You know, it isn't our policy to
challenge employee claims, and certainly

we make no judgment on your personal
lifestyle, but since when are you gay?

I'm sorry, isn't this a personal matter?
You know, I was told those papers

wouldn't be seen by anyone.

Normally they wouldn't, but Nora's off
today, and yours came up for review.

Now, on the off chance you're confused,
let me explain to you. Simply being

rejected by women doesn't qualify you as
a homosexual.

Well, what exactly are you asking me? I
mean... We'd like to meet Alan.

It's not that we don't trust you, it's
just we know you've dated women.

You know, I really resent this invasion
of privacy.

What goes on between a man and a woman,
or a man and a man, or a woman and a

woman, or a woman and a woman and a man?

I don't have to go through all the
combinations. I think you get my point.

Nevertheless, we'll need proof of the
relationship. Otherwise, you could be

prosecuted for insurance fraud.

We will not be made fools of.

Gear up, buddy.

Pretty soon you'll be up and around.

I'll be out of a job. We'll both be
eating the same food, huh?

Hey, Kate.

Hi.

What's that?

It's a humane trap for my ferret. I just
put some food in there to lure him, and

bam, he's trapped.

Then I spray some water on the cage,
flick the lights like lightning, and

soon he thinks I'm God.

Kate, this will never work. What animal
is that stupid? Don't be dumb. Well,

look, a snack.

or didn't know that was going to happen.

Let's get him out of there before he
chews his arm off.

I'm glad that parrot wasn't here. I'd
never hear the end of it.

So, Drew, have you decided what you're
going to tell the board?

Are you going to try to prove to them
you're gay?

Kind of ironic, isn't it? You spent your
whole life trying to prove that you're

not.

This is not helping me with my problem.

help you with your problem if you don't
tell the truth you'd get fired or at the

very least lose your health insurance
and you need that health insurance drew

especially living in such a dangerous
neighborhood talking about the

neighborhood isn't dangerous oh yeah
fried chicken shack corn dog stand three

donut shops all within walking distance
location location location

just remember drew people don't kill
people Corn dogs kill people.

She's right, you know. I can't lose my
health benefits.

I've got to find a same -sex partner.

Wait a minute.

Why is it automatically me?

Well, you know, you're my friend.

Well, so is Lewis. Why'd you pick me to
be gay over Lewis?

All right, I'll be honest. I'll just say
it right out in the open.

Lewis is too obvious of a choice.

Sometimes pretty is a curse.

Yeah, okay.

So what do I have to do?

You just have to walk in the boardroom
like you had hip surgery and then

to be my boyfriend.

Oh, well, what if they start asking
questions?

They'll be all my life and everything
about me. Well, I know all about you,

not about us.

How long have we been a couple?

Oh, six months. And we're already living
together? Geez, that's kind of quick.

All right, nine months.

And did we ever go on vacation? What do
we do on Sundays?

And a song. We need a song.

Willis, do you want to do this?

After seeing how snippy you are with
Oswald, I think not.

What does it matter? Because I don't
believe any of it.

I just haven't figured out what your
angle is yet.

You're under my magnifying glass, pig.

And you know what?

You're even huger than before.

Whatever you're up to, you're not going
to get away with it.

I'm here. I'm queer.

Get used to it.

Oh, Drew, I heard you got in trouble. I
am so sorry. You're sorry?

How about me? I have to lie about who I
am for the rest of the time I work here,

which is basically forever.

Not forever.

In a year, you'll decide it was just an
experiment.

You have to keep your relationships with
women a deep, dark secret.

The same way I'm sure they do.

Excuse me, I'm here for an interview
with Drew Carey.

I was just leaving.

I have to help hold my husband down
while they give him a bath.

So, uh, Ms. Wolfe, have a seat.

Shouldn't take too long. Hey, since
you're here, you type 90 words a minute.

That's right.

Can you take your glasses off?

Why? Just for a second. I want to see
something.

I knew it.

A young Nick Nolte.

Come on.

Let's get back to the interview.

I can't.

I won't be able to sing straight until
you put those glasses back on.

up for anything.

That's right. What do you say we go out?

Oh, look, Miss Wolf, I should tell you,
this isn't going to help you get the

job. I don't want the job. I just want
to have sex with you, eat pizza, and

you some tears I know from high school.

Mimi!

Does this young lady belong to you?

You're not going to out me as a
heterosexual, Mimi. Nice try, though.

Oh, all right.

I guess it was stupid.

Thanks anyway, Jenny.

Oh, by the way, your next interview is
here.

Bad hip and all.

Otherwise, he takes pretty good care of
himself. You know, he exercises, takes

his vitamins.

My man.

I think I'll keep him.

Hi, sorry I'm late.

Hi, hi.

Drew, Aaron, thank you both for coming
by. This won't take long.

How is your hip, Aaron? Oh, it's getting
better. The doc says I'll be up and

running around the yard before you know
it.

Very interesting, Aaron.

It is Aaron, isn't it?

Because you're our global parcel
delivery man, and I know you as Oswald.

Well, it was Oswald, but ever since Drew
and I became more than just friends,

I've gone by Aaron, because to me,
Oswald is dead.

So, what do you want to know?

Well, first we're going to separate you.
What?

We're going to ask you the same question
separately.

If you really are a couple, you'll know
everything there is to know about each

other. Sounds like the newlywed game.
What's the craziest place you ever made

whoopee?

Aaron, could you wait outside, please?

Oh, my blue eyes are going to miss you.

Yep. Drew, Allison Carey really is going
to miss you.

Top of his five -foot, ten -inch frame
to the bottom of his size ten shoes.

Allison, got it.

So, Carrie, tell us about your first
date.

Our first date? Well, the one thing I do
remember was that it was the dead of

winter. Drew was wearing a swimsuit.

That's right, and we shared a ski lift.

And I said, my feet are burning. Let's
get off this beach and go someplace

quiet. Oh, my favorite color, red.

His favorite color's blue.

I think his favorite movie is Dirty
Harry.

I like the crying game batter, Tootsie.

Oh, hey, Jude.

The theme from Tootsie.

Andrew loves pizza.

Oh, I love pizza. And beer. And beer.

He can't get enough beer. Oh, you cannot
get enough beer.

You two are very similar in that all
your answers are wrong.

You know absolutely nothing about each
other.

Have you two even met before today?

I can't believe you don't know anything
about me. Me? What about you?

The Joy Luck Club?

The Joy Luck Club was my favorite movie?

I remember you told me how neat it would
be to have a multi -generational

family, and then I said... They don't
need to hear all this.

Why do you always have to cut me off?
You're always cutting me off, like the

other day. I do not do this. See, this
is what I'm telling you. This is

exactly... Can we talk about this later?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were
the boss of me. Well, I thought I had

something to say.

We were wrong. They're a real couple,
all right.

What? We're convinced.

Really? We can go?

Please, take your cat fight elsewhere.

Well, then I guess we'll be going.

That's okay with you.

Hold on a second, Carrie.

Mrs. Louder, wouldn't they be perfect
for a new advertising campaign?

Oh, I hadn't thought of that. But you're
right, Wick.

Advertising campaign?

Yes, Winfred Louder is reaching out to
minorities in the community.

You two would be perfect to represent
the gays.

Oh, I don't know.

Wait a minute, wait. What would we do?

Well, we'd use your images in all our
Winford Loud advertisements.

On buses, on television, in newspapers.

You'd go to gay festivals and parades.

Basically, wherever there are gays in
Ohio, you'll be there for us.

Oh, wait. I can't.

We can't do that. I can't be a role
model for somebody I'm not.

We're not gay.

Well, nice to meet all of you.

So this was a fraud?

You better have a bloody good excuse for
this, Gary.

Well, the truth is the same -sex
benefits were for my dog.

He needed a hip operation.

Oh, I had a hip operation, too.

It's hell and rainy weather, but it's
great to catch a frisbee again.

So you understand?

I understand this. Your health benefits
are suspended until you pay this off.

And on a personal note, I am very
disappointed to think I was going to fix

up with my grandson.

Come on, B. Let's see your legs work,
huh?

Come on. Add up, boy.

Come on.

Yeah!

Hey!

What do you want to do first, huh? Play
frisbee?

Or you want to go outside and just run
and run until you can't run no more?

Anything you want to do. What do you
want to do, huh?