Original subtitles

I know you're nervous, B, but don't worry, buddy. They can't take him twice.

Man, how long does it take to read a hip x -ray? It's just a picture. It's not

like reading words or anything.

He's number two million five while you're not a doctor.

For your information, I always wanted to be a vet.

Animals fascinate me.

You know, I read an article that said they can look right into our souls.

What do you see, Bertie?

Ah, illusions!

Probably just a lucky guess.

Yeah. Everybody knows lots of words. Probably want a cracker?

Loser! Shut it down.

Loser! Shut up!

Anyone have a pet squirrel they left outside?

Real cute, big teeth, doesn't like to cuddle?

Shouldn't have tried to take his nuts.

Speedy, you want to come in? We'll talk about the x -rays.

Well, this is it.

I'll come with you.

Sometimes he gets nervous and it helps if I scratch his neck.

Atta boy.

Hi.

I couldn't help but notice your monkey. Now I can't help but notice you.

Hey.

Okay. Seen the trick.

He's just a little fella, isn't he?

Please tell me there's not a second part to this trick.

Oh, oh, sure, walk away. I was the one getting groped by your monkey.

Hey, buddy, how'd it go?

Well, doctor says his hips are getting worse, but the good news is there's a

operation that can fix them. Yeah, except that it costs $2 ,700.

Wow, my car didn't even cost that much.

Loser! Shut up!

Well, I'm gonna get the money. I don't care if it kills me.

Because I want you to know that incredible feeling you get when you run

run and you just can't run no more.

How would you know what that feels like, Drew?

Hey, listen.

Before we leave, I've got to go to the men's room.

I'll be right back.

Oh, hi.

Thank you.

Sign here.

Sign here.

Put your hoof print right here.

What? A request form for eight more vacation days? You just got back from

vacation. Your tan line hasn't even faded yet.

Oh, dear God, please tell me there is a tan line.

Met a cute guy in Miami, and let's just say Mimi got her groove back.

Next week, we're going to meet to go skiing.

A blind guy that can ski. Good for you.

Look, I'd love to give you extra time off, but I can't. Even though a vacation

for you would be a vacation for my eyes.

I'm warning you. When I don't get any, I can get mighty unpleasant.

I wonder if they make a mouthwash for your head.

Hi, Drew.

You know, seeing how close you and Speedy are and all those cute little

in the vet's office, I decided that I wanted a little friend, too.

So look what I got during lunch.

Aw, it's a little... nothing. They're so cute when they're small.

Oh, my gosh, where's my ferret? There was a ferret in here.

How'd he figure out the lock?

He must have been looking in his little mirror when I was doing the combination.

Oh, I think I found him. See ya.

Drew?

Well, enough small talk.

We need to update your personal information for health benefit.

Is this the year you finally waddle into the top risk group?

I'm sure the donut's rooting for you.

Don't push me, Nora. I got a lot on my mind, including an expensive operation.

Surgery, huh?

Well, think happy thoughts.

but the operation's for my dog.

What?

You have a doggie?

And he needs surgery?

Let me see a picture.

This is Speedy. He needs a new hip.

Hey, you look about his size.

These are my children.

These are my dogs.

And these are my cats.

Aw, cat lady.

Who'd have guessed, huh?

So when's Speedy getting his operation?

Well, I want to get it done right away, but I can't afford it.

Listen, I think I might be able to help you.

I've worked out a system to use the company insurance to pay vet bills.

You just claim your pet as a dependent.

What? That's cheating the system. I can't do that.

The system gives its order.

Without the system, there is chaos.

Okay, I think everybody heard me. You say no one's ever been caught?

Once in seven years.

Uh, what am I thinking? I can't cheat the company. Besides, everyone knows I

don't have a wife and kids.

We have same -sex benefits.

You just pretend you're gay.

I'm sorry.

This is my stop. I think I'm getting off.

Don't be a wuss. I'm the only one that sees the forms.

I can't. It's crazy.

Okay, Drew.

I'll be crippled just so people don't think you're gay.

Okay, look, I'll do it only if you let me pay it back with interest.

Pay it back, and I'll send it in to the company.

So, what would his name be?

Who?

Your lover.

I don't know.

Drew and John?

No.

Drew and Tom?

No. Drew and Michael.

Drew and Michael.

Cordially invite you to... Oh, what the hell am I doing? Just put down anything.

Okay, be well, Speedy. Take care.

Thanks, Oswald. You can hang up now.

Did you hear him, Kate? Doesn't he sound great?

For once, I am beating the shit out of him. And since I'm paying him back with

interest, I don't feel bad at all.

Do you know what I do feel?

Huh? Something furry running up my leg. Thug!

Thug! I'm not going to get him!

Hurry up!

He's getting really high. He's about to find a home. All right, stand still.

Come out, you little weasels. Come to mama.

Oh, jeez, is it promotion time already?

Wait, wait, wait.

I got it!

One, two, three.

Hey, we're going!

It's just been up Drew's pants. It's probably going to jump off the building.

If you've emptied your ark, Slaughter wants to see you immediately. It's about

some insurance claim you filed.

I guess they don't cover pulling your head out of your butt.

Hi. You want to see me? Come on in, Drew.

Now, this is a rather delicate area. Did I mention how wonderful you all look

today? It's a pleasure just to... Quit babbling.

If I want to hear babbling, I'll talk to one of these yes -men.

That's right.

Now, Drew, how's Aaron's hip coming along?

Who? Your significant other?

Yeah, great.

You know, it's going to take a while to heal, but the vet said... I mean, the

doctor. He was a vet.

That's the only kind of doctor I'll use, one who served his country in the field

of battle. God bless America.

Sit down, Mr.

Carey. You know, it isn't our policy to challenge employee claims, and certainly

we make no judgment on your personal lifestyle, but since when are you gay?

I'm sorry, isn't this a personal matter? You know, I was told those papers

wouldn't be seen by anyone.

Normally they wouldn't, but Nora's off today, and yours came up for review.

Now, on the off chance you're confused, let me explain to you. Simply being

rejected by women doesn't qualify you as a homosexual.

Well, what exactly are you asking me? I mean... We'd like to meet Alan.

It's not that we don't trust you, it's just we know you've dated women.

You know, I really resent this invasion of privacy.

What goes on between a man and a woman, or a man and a man, or a woman and a

woman, or a woman and a woman and a man?

I don't have to go through all the combinations. I think you get my point.

Nevertheless, we'll need proof of the relationship. Otherwise, you could be

prosecuted for insurance fraud.

We will not be made fools of.

Gear up, buddy.

Pretty soon you'll be up and around.

I'll be out of a job. We'll both be eating the same food, huh?

Hey, Kate.

Hi.

What's that?

It's a humane trap for my ferret. I just put some food in there to lure him, and

bam, he's trapped.

Then I spray some water on the cage, flick the lights like lightning, and

soon he thinks I'm God.

Kate, this will never work. What animal is that stupid? Don't be dumb. Well,

look, a snack.

or didn't know that was going to happen.

Let's get him out of there before he chews his arm off.

I'm glad that parrot wasn't here. I'd never hear the end of it.

So, Drew, have you decided what you're going to tell the board?

Are you going to try to prove to them you're gay?

Kind of ironic, isn't it? You spent your whole life trying to prove that you're

not.

This is not helping me with my problem.

help you with your problem if you don't tell the truth you'd get fired or at the

very least lose your health insurance and you need that health insurance drew

especially living in such a dangerous neighborhood talking about the

neighborhood isn't dangerous oh yeah fried chicken shack corn dog stand three

donut shops all within walking distance location location location

just remember drew people don't kill people Corn dogs kill people.

She's right, you know. I can't lose my health benefits.

I've got to find a same -sex partner.

Wait a minute.

Why is it automatically me?

Well, you know, you're my friend.

Well, so is Lewis. Why'd you pick me to be gay over Lewis?

All right, I'll be honest. I'll just say it right out in the open.

Lewis is too obvious of a choice.

Sometimes pretty is a curse.

Yeah, okay.

So what do I have to do?

You just have to walk in the boardroom like you had hip surgery and then

to be my boyfriend.

Oh, well, what if they start asking questions?

They'll be all my life and everything about me. Well, I know all about you,

not about us.

How long have we been a couple?

Oh, six months. And we're already living together? Geez, that's kind of quick.

All right, nine months.

And did we ever go on vacation? What do we do on Sundays?

And a song. We need a song.

Willis, do you want to do this?

After seeing how snippy you are with Oswald, I think not.

What does it matter? Because I don't believe any of it.

I just haven't figured out what your angle is yet.

You're under my magnifying glass, pig.

And you know what?

You're even huger than before.

Whatever you're up to, you're not going to get away with it.

I'm here. I'm queer.

Get used to it.

Oh, Drew, I heard you got in trouble. I am so sorry. You're sorry?

How about me? I have to lie about who I am for the rest of the time I work here,

which is basically forever.

Not forever.

In a year, you'll decide it was just an experiment.

You have to keep your relationships with women a deep, dark secret.

The same way I'm sure they do.

Excuse me, I'm here for an interview with Drew Carey.

I was just leaving.

I have to help hold my husband down while they give him a bath.

So, uh, Ms. Wolfe, have a seat.

Shouldn't take too long. Hey, since you're here, you type 90 words a minute.

That's right.

Can you take your glasses off?

Why? Just for a second. I want to see something.

I knew it.

A young Nick Nolte.

Come on.

Let's get back to the interview.

I can't.

I won't be able to sing straight until you put those glasses back on.

up for anything.

That's right. What do you say we go out?

Oh, look, Miss Wolf, I should tell you, this isn't going to help you get the

job. I don't want the job. I just want to have sex with you, eat pizza, and

you some tears I know from high school.

Mimi!

Does this young lady belong to you?

You're not going to out me as a heterosexual, Mimi. Nice try, though.

Oh, all right.

I guess it was stupid.

Thanks anyway, Jenny.

Oh, by the way, your next interview is here.

Bad hip and all.

Otherwise, he takes pretty good care of himself. You know, he exercises, takes

his vitamins.

My man.

I think I'll keep him.

Hi, sorry I'm late.

Hi, hi.

Drew, Aaron, thank you both for coming by. This won't take long.

How is your hip, Aaron? Oh, it's getting better. The doc says I'll be up and

running around the yard before you know it.

Very interesting, Aaron.

It is Aaron, isn't it?

Because you're our global parcel delivery man, and I know you as Oswald.

Well, it was Oswald, but ever since Drew and I became more than just friends,

I've gone by Aaron, because to me, Oswald is dead.

So, what do you want to know?

Well, first we're going to separate you. What?

We're going to ask you the same question separately.

If you really are a couple, you'll know everything there is to know about each

other. Sounds like the newlywed game. What's the craziest place you ever made

whoopee?

Aaron, could you wait outside, please?

Oh, my blue eyes are going to miss you.

Yep. Drew, Allison Carey really is going to miss you.

Top of his five -foot, ten -inch frame to the bottom of his size ten shoes.

Allison, got it.

So, Carrie, tell us about your first date.

Our first date? Well, the one thing I do remember was that it was the dead of

winter. Drew was wearing a swimsuit.

That's right, and we shared a ski lift.

And I said, my feet are burning. Let's get off this beach and go someplace

quiet. Oh, my favorite color, red.

His favorite color's blue.

I think his favorite movie is Dirty Harry.

I like the crying game batter, Tootsie.

Oh, hey, Jude.

The theme from Tootsie.

Andrew loves pizza.

Oh, I love pizza. And beer. And beer.

He can't get enough beer. Oh, you cannot get enough beer.

You two are very similar in that all your answers are wrong.

You know absolutely nothing about each other.

Have you two even met before today?

I can't believe you don't know anything about me. Me? What about you?

The Joy Luck Club?

The Joy Luck Club was my favorite movie?

I remember you told me how neat it would be to have a multi -generational

family, and then I said... They don't need to hear all this.

Why do you always have to cut me off? You're always cutting me off, like the

other day. I do not do this. See, this is what I'm telling you. This is

exactly... Can we talk about this later?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were the boss of me. Well, I thought I had

something to say.

We were wrong. They're a real couple, all right.

What? We're convinced.

Really? We can go?

Please, take your cat fight elsewhere.

Well, then I guess we'll be going.

That's okay with you.

Hold on a second, Carrie.

Mrs. Louder, wouldn't they be perfect for a new advertising campaign?

Oh, I hadn't thought of that. But you're right, Wick.

Advertising campaign?

Yes, Winfred Louder is reaching out to minorities in the community.

You two would be perfect to represent the gays.

Oh, I don't know.

Wait a minute, wait. What would we do?

Well, we'd use your images in all our Winford Loud advertisements.

On buses, on television, in newspapers.

You'd go to gay festivals and parades.

Basically, wherever there are gays in Ohio, you'll be there for us.

Oh, wait. I can't.

We can't do that. I can't be a role model for somebody I'm not.

We're not gay.

Well, nice to meet all of you.

So this was a fraud?

You better have a bloody good excuse for this, Gary.

Well, the truth is the same -sex benefits were for my dog.

He needed a hip operation.

Oh, I had a hip operation, too.

It's hell and rainy weather, but it's great to catch a frisbee again.

So you understand?

I understand this. Your health benefits are suspended until you pay this off.

And on a personal note, I am very disappointed to think I was going to fix

up with my grandson.

Come on, B. Let's see your legs work, huh?

Come on. Add up, boy.

Come on.

Yeah!

Hey!

What do you want to do first, huh? Play frisbee?

Or you want to go outside and just run and run until you can't run no more?

Anything you want to do. What do you want to do, huh?