Original subtitles

Come on, Speedy. Drew's only been out of town a couple of days. You gotta eat.

He's been eating. I've been feeding him. No, I've been feeding him. No, I've

been feeding... So he's been eating nine meals a day?

I wonder if that's how it started with Drew.

Hey, how was Vegas?

No matter what happened, buddy, you look like a winner. Yeah. Well, first of

all, let me thank Kate for driving away from the airport with my luggage still

in her trunk.

Hey, does this look familiar?

Oh, my God.

I thought that was just a really passionate wave goodbye.

Wait a minute. So you wore that to the convention?

Well, the first day.

Second day, I did this.

Third day was a little warm, so I decided to go a little Caribbean.

Well,

now I can take the islands off my wish list.

Why don't you just buy a shirt?

I lost a little money.

What? I lost all my money, okay?

That was the weirdest weekend I ever had in my life, except for that time I ate

that mushroom on a nature walk.

Come on, tell us what was so weird. Yeah.

Okay, but you've got to promise not to tell anybody else, not even my parents.

Oh, Drew, this isn't one of those stories that involves a nice dress, an

apple, and big hands, is it?

Hey, my story first, okay?

Well, the first thing I did when I got to the airport was buy some luggage so I

wouldn't look like an idiot.

Then, the catfish went to the hotel.

I get out, and of course, I don't want to seem like a tourist, so I try to

in.

You cannot believe all the light.

My dad would have been running around from hotel to hotel yelling, what am I,

Edison?

Anyway, I checked in, and I went right to the tables. I was so hot of crabs, I

couldn't lose.

Hey, Gilbert.

Hey, can I roll?

Hey, you're back.

I thought you got cleaned out. I'm going to give it one more shot. This is my

never, never, don't lose this money ever money.

Here.

Elvis, if you're up there, don't be cruel.

Hey, one hand. The book says to roll with one hand.

What are you, the craps master? Put away the book. Let the man roll. Let's go,

babe. It doesn't make a difference how much you shoot with one hand anyway.

is my lucky hand.

Okay, wait a minute. That hand lost at the slot machine.

Okay. I broke that hand when I was a kid.

Yeah, but it healed real quickly. That's kind of lucky, isn't it? Roll the dice.

Let's go, babe. Okay, here we go.

Many cheats will try to drop the dice and then replace it with their own

pair of dice.

You'll have to exchange those dice, sir. They went off the table.

Hey, do I get extra chips for helping out Caesars?

Okay.

Which hand do I decide on? Right, left, right, left?

Any hand. There we go.

Three reps.

I love Vegas.

I'm a gambling sabbat. I'm like the Rain Man.

I'm going to go have a drink, walk around and offer men a million dollars

sleep with their wives.

Hey, you heard me.

Hey, mister, looking for a good time?

I'm broke.

Are there really good Cirque du Soleil tickets?

Hello, tall, blonde and tall.

How about an evening of entertainment? I'm talking acrobatics, positions you've

never heard of, swings and big sparkly outfits.

Oh, well, if I did do anything, it wouldn't be anything fancy. I'm just a

Cleveland guy.

You're missing a hell of a circus, baby.

I've already seen the big top, lady.

Oh, I went up for you. There you go.

Oh, wait a minute. I had to sit on the wrong thing.

That's everything I got. That's all the money I brought to Vegas. Well, maybe if

you spent a little more time looking at the table and a little less time with

the hookers.

You know what you should do, guy? You should forget about gambling. Go do

du Soleil. We did it twice this week. Just don't get stuck behind the pole.

Mother was right. This place is like Sodom and Gomorrah.

Okay, so I wasn't doing too good at crafts. I lost a little money, but it's

problem. You know me. I roll with the punches.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid,

stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

You too?

Yeah, I lost everything.

But we've got to be men about this.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Look at all these quarters.

Quarters?

Hey, what are you doing in there?

Trying to stop him.

Have a nice day, officer. I've got to sell someone an office suit.

Sir, could you step out of the phone?

Oh, yeah, what are you going to do, take all my money away?

Oops, too late.

There you are, sir.

I brought your drink.

Wow, that's service.

I guess I should tip you.

I think I should come in here and get you, buddy.

Oh, yeah, I know what you're thinking. Some hick from Cleveland comes to Las

Vegas, loses all his money.

So, where are you from?

Cleveland.

I'm from Cleveland, too.

Come on out.

No one's going to hurt you.

Thank you. Sure. True carry.

I am Pulaski. Oh.

I guess this looks pretty stupid, huh?

Thanks.

Don't feel bad. I saw an entire family in the fountain yesterday.

I always feel bad when a hometown boy comes to Vegas and gets cleaned out.

I mean, I get off work in an hour. Maybe I could show you how to have some fun

in Vegas without gambling.

I already met that lady.

Hey, you're from Cleveland.

I guess I could trust you.

Hey, do you sell that other suit already?

No, I found an ATM.

Oh, yeah, how'd you do?

Excuse me.

Wow.

Oh, see, I love Vegas.

There's drinking, big productions, showgirls. Hey, what happens when one of

nudes on ice falls down?

Well, if they're hurt, they should just stay down because they're already on

ice.

See? Isn't everything funnier after six of these margaritas?

Hey, baby.

Welcome to the Church of Rock and Roll Heaven.

I'm Reverend Jimmy.

That's Reverend Jim over there.

And that's Jerry Garcia attending bar.

Excuse me while I wed this guy.

Hey, hey, hey. I got an idea.

As long as we're here, you want to get married?

Oh, yeah, it'd be a kick.

My friends always said I wouldn't get married until hell froze over and new

women were skating on it, so... They wanted Andy

Gibb.

Anyway, come on up the altar.

Well, this is it.

Oh, I'm so nervous.

What if I make a mistake?

All right, now listen to this.

All right.

Do you take this foxy lady to be your lawful wedding wife until you crash?

Hey, speaking of foxy ladies, I heard you shot your old lady down.

You promised to love and cherish each other through good trips and bad trips.

You did.

I dig.

I dig.

Cool.

Well, by the power vested in me by the groovy state of Nevada, I hereby

pronounce you a freak and his old lady.

All right. That'll be $29 .99. We do take Visa and MasterCard, and I'll need

to sign this marriage certificate.

Why the bums rush, Jimmy?

Mr. Jimmy.

Carrie.

Hey. There you go, Mrs. Carrie.

You guys really do it up here, man. You got the seal of the state of Nevada on

there. Almost looks legal.

Hey, baby. It is legal.

Yeah, right. You better loosen that headband, buddy. You're getting a little

loopy.

Hey, man.

I'm an ordained minister.

You did know you were really getting married, right?

No.

Did you?

Let's not have our first fight already, honey.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

My brother's going to kill me.

What denomination is this?

I can explain. I was desperate.

You knew this was real.

It was an emergency.

Oh, well, you know, I've been a little lonely in my life, too. But you get a

or you get cold hard look at your parents' life and the urge passes.

I know this is crazy, but I really needed to be married.

I've got a car. A custody battle for my children.

Oh, big sentence. Big sentence. Children.

It ended with children.

Hey, Jerry.

Give me a double anything. I got kids.

They are great kids. And I don't need a whole lot from you.

My ex -husband wants to drag my kids back to Cleveland. And if I'm married, I

got a better shot at keeping them. Oh, so you had to trick me?

Well, I mean, hey, it's...

out in the 80s, but it keeps the marriage going.

No, okay. Okay, look, look, look. I'll be staying at my mom's. All you have to

do is just pretend you're the dad when the social worker comes over.

All right, but if you want, I will rip up the certificate and I'll go back to

the fountain and find someone else.

Oh, man.

Drew, you can't stop now.

What happened? What did you decide?

Well, this is the really weird part.

Oh. I'll tell you as soon as I get this.

Uh,

kids? I need... I need daddy!

I need daddy!

Drew went to Las Vegas and all he brought us were these lousy t -shirts

kids in them.

Hi, Julie.

Hi, Drew.

Listen, um, I just broke up with my boyfriend.

Does your offer for dinner still stand?

Oh, I could play hard to get, but I'm not yet.

Well, Drew, I hate to interrupt the freshman mixer.

But I just got a call. Your wife is in the lobby waiting to see you.

Your wife?

You cr...

Do you realize I could lose an arm and this would still qualify as a good day?

Buzz off, Mimi.

Oh, come on. What's your story on getting a wife?

Are things really that bad in Russia right now?

Mimi, you took a beautiful thing and you made it ugly.

I mean that dress.

Oh, I get it. You're ashamed of her.

Is this one of those things where it's going to cost me a buck fifty to look at

her? Is she in a jar?

If you must know, I met a very nice woman who took me in when I was broken

in Las Vegas.

She was going to lose custody of her kids. I couldn't let it happen.

That's beautiful. I didn't know that love could be that deep.

Well, it's a little more complicated than love.

No, I mean that she could love her children enough to marry you.

Thank you, Mimi.

I mean, waking up every morning next to you.

Okay. I mean, if it were me, I would gouge out my own eyes.

Okay, okay, I get the point.

You don't want to marry me, which is good, because there's laws against the

union of man and beast.

Thank you.

Mimi, what are you doing here?

That's not the question.

The question is, does she like English accent and soft jazz?

Oh, you wouldn't be interested in her, Mr. Wick. She's Drew's wife.

See? There's hope for everyone.

So, Drew, I'm sorry to bother you at work, but I wanted to talk to you.

So, this is where you work?

What do you do?

Well, from 9 to noon, I sit right here.

Then I have lunch. It makes me kind of full, so I sit right here.

Anyway, the social worker wants to come by and see our family in action on

Thursday, so...

Thought I'd bring the kids by tonight so we can practice.

Uh -oh. I have some questionable magazines.

Actually, it's my dad's subscription. Take you home to the house.

Don't worry, dear. I'm going to take care of the house.

Oh, uh, when the special worker comes over, don't be surprised if I kiss you

touch you like we're a couple.

Oh, well, don't be surprised if I like it.

Uh, where were you when I was really getting married?

Oh, you know those magazines?

Ah, forget it.

Would you mind picking up Joey and Sarah from my mom's house on your way home

from work?

Oh, I finally get to meet the mother -in -law, huh?

Well, it's only fair I get to see what you're going to look like in 30 years

since you already know what I'm going to look like.

Well, it was short notice, but I ran downstairs and got you something for

honeymoon. It's a blindfold and a Walkman.

Sorry, I can't do anything about the touching.

Sorry I'm so crowded tonight, fellas. I'm just doing a favor for a friend.

Yeah, well, your friend isn't the one sitting on the hump.

You know, I've been in this carpool longer than these kids have been alive.

So what? You didn't call it.

Hey, how about everybody just shut up back there?

Okay, now you're poking me on purpose, all right? From now on, you can't touch

me because there's a wall here, and you can't put your hand through a wall.

Okay, there's a wall on this side, too, now, all right?

Stop it! There's a wall! There's a wall!

Come on! Turn around!

Don't make me come back there!

Oh, dear God, Drew, you've finally grown into your look.

I'm trying to drive.

Hey, kids, you know Larry P's when they tickle him?

Hurry up, Joey. Spin the thing. I'm about to hit all the dots.

You just hit him right in the red dot. We're going to get busted.

going to play twister we are going to sing songs and smile the next time you

butt crack okay young lady get back in here

what's with her oh no things aren't going too good at school i think a

the kids called her nerdy the only thing she wants to do is lay around watch tv

and eat i think this is dad's area

So, are you okay?

This place sucks.

Well, I put all the money in the living room.

No, I miss Vegas.

Miss your friends?

Yeah.

Know what I used to do when I was depressed?

Eat.

Okay.

But then, I would go down to the basement to get away from my brother and

everybody and just think.

All by myself, you know, because sometimes you need like a special place.

I like to be outside.

Outside is cool.

Hey, you know what would really make you feel better?

Going out there, shoveling some snow, salting down the driveway, huh?

I suppose you want me to exercise for you, too.

The answer is picking on me.

Hey! I brought over my dad's wedding ring for Drew, and I figured you were

to need a ring, so I brought over all the engagement rings I've been given.

Take your pick.

What? Wow, there's so many.

Mm -hmm. Yeah.

If it helps you choose, this one is too attached to his mother. Hi. Hi. Yeah.

This one drinks too much. I confirmed his homosexuality. Oh, I remember. Yeah.

Yeah.

Unemployed. Uh -huh. And it goes downhill from there. Wow. Too attached

mother is just a smaller version of confirmed his homosexuality.

Interesting. Hmm.

Yeah. Okay. All right.

Unemployed.

I gotta go. I'm sorry. I got a big date tonight. I might have to start a second

hand.

Oh, hi. Hi. Bye.

Uh, excuse me?

Is this the Carey residence?

Alex, it's not Thursday.

Drew, this is Alex, a social worker who's not supposed to come until

Oh, my God, I don't know what day it is. Does that make me a bad mom?

No, no, no.

It's Wednesday. I'm a day early. Hi, I'm Alex. So, see you tomorrow, Alex.

Sorry for the surprise, but this is the only way we can see how you really live.

Hey, look, the Twister game's out. Who wants to play?

Yeah. Let's just play Twister, honey. Uh, Sarah?

Honey? I'll go get her. Great.

Sarah?

Do you see a red Frisbee?

What are you guys doing?

Oh, we were driving by. We saw a kid in the roof, and we thought, hey, let's get

back all the Frisbees and Super Bowls we lost up there.

Oh, there we go. Oh, my God.

Sarah!

Jesus, I'm going to blow everything for Diane.

You guys got to help me.

Drew, you keep the social worker inside. We'll get her down. Yeah, okay.

So, where's your daughter?

She'll be right down.

Well, seems like a nice place.

Nice, quiet neighborhood.

Squirrels. We got squirrels.

Plum's these stupid squirrels.

Why, I bet that's them now.

The eagles have landed.

But the owl is still in the nest.

Hey, do I smell a... Drew?

What's going on?

Sarah's on the roof.

Oh, my God. What is she doing up there?

I got us into this. I can get us out of this.

Uh, Sarah, honey, uh, if you come down, I'll tell you a story.

Yeah?

I'm listening.

Okay, uh, once, I went too high to get to my special place, and I got too close

to the sun, and my wings fell off.

And then the Tin Man came by with, um, some three magic beans...

to use deodorant now?

Liz, somebody finally said something. Hey. That's it.

That's it. Now I'm never coming down.

Sarah, you quit scaring your mother right now, young lady. If you don't come

down, I'm climbing that ladder and coming up. Let me tell you something.

roof may not hold.

gonna hold this against us. Hey, some cases can go a year before I see how a

family functions under pressure, but I think your new dad here did pretty well.

Little dinner, Joey's gonna choke on a chicken bone, aren't you, buddy?

Let me talk to the kids first, but it's looking pretty good.

Oh, Drew, thank you.

So, uh, this all works out, you're heading back to Vegas, I guess next time

can get a divorce.

Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, we should probably fight first.

No. Yes.

See? Irreconcilable differences. Correct.

Why do I have to sit on the hook?

Because we called window.

Look, I can see. I can see.

Hey, Oswald, guess what I

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