Original subtitles

This is insane.

I've never seen this much traffic.

This new parking garage is a nightmare.

How could our store put an employee crosswalk right next to the three -way

-ramp? It's a death trap.

It's getting worse and worse.

Is that a new cross planted over there in the median?

No, it's just what's left of the pedestrian crossing sign.

So who feels lucky today?

I didn't like breakfast.

I'll go.

Be careful.

Who's driving that thing? Evelyn Wood?

All right.

I'll take point.

Hey!

My yoga master said, face your fear.

There are no cars here.

There are just many opportunities for one object to pass safely through many

other objects.

I am the wind.

I am brother to the puma.

My friend Mr. Jackson says Chuck's going to be eating bugs off a grill before he

hits a double line.

Don't listen to her, Chuck.

You can do it.

I'm in complete control.

I'm walking through an open prairie.

Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go!

Go! Go!

Go!

Go!

Well, Larry gets hit. Do you think he'll be half dead or half alive?

I don't want to scare you, Larry. You'll make it because you're a good person

and good things happen to good people.

I'm going to cross this and get away from you.

At least wait a few minutes till rush hour's over. You're wearing a teddy bear

backpack. Everyone's going to want to hit you. No can do. I open the daycare

center promptly at 9. The children are waiting for me. And don't worry, my

will be my crossing guard.

Have a nice day.

Well, she's a nice person. Maybe with a little luck.

to Faith in the hospital. You haven't signed it.

I started to sign it, then my pen ran out of interest.

Hey, Mimi, checking your morning traps?

Stay!

You're going to bite me, jackass!

Hey, I didn't pick you to replace Faith in the daycare center. The kids did.

They all said, we want Bozo.

replaced me pretty quick.

Thank you, Scary Poppins.

Hey, kids, remember that cute little pig babe?

Yeah.

He ate him.

Richardson,

I need you.

Richardson, this is a strange request, but would you mind blowing up a balloon

for me?

I'm celebrating something.

I wouldn't send you out there empty -handed. Here's my letter of

recommendation.

Sir, did you get my memo?

Yes, I did. It's an important matter. It requires action. Your participation is

appreciated. You have no idea what I'm talking about. Not a clue.

Sir, this isn't like my memo requesting a moment of silent prayer before lunch.

You just wanted a head start.

Okay, but this is serious. Look.

I called a meeting with all the employees, and they elected me to solve

crosswalk problem.

Lives are at stake, and we're not backing down until Woodford Louder

skywalk from the parking garage to the building.

Hmm, no.

Well, will you at least think about it?

Hmm.

Mr. Wick, I hired these people as workers. That's speed bumps.

Just a cost -effective carrier. Believe me, I don't like to put a price on human

life. But confidentially, we did.

It's about $75 per person. $80 for management.

See you later, $80.

We're not going to be pushed around, you know. This isn't the last you heard

about this.

Guess I told his back.

probing a bit bigger, that might have worked. But right now, you're ducking.

that's just not groovy, man.

Not groovy at all.

Hey, Drew, look. They're handing out free samples in the children's

Actually, they're runaways from the daycare center. We found them jumping on

mattresses. They told us to get down.

Don't worry, little buddy.

I'll get you back to the daycare center.

second. Are you actually playing with them? Yeah, but I'm not enjoying it.

Look,

Mimi, you can't have these kids running wild all over the store.

I put anti -theft tags on all of them, see?

Nobody's getting out of the store without setting off an alarm unless

says what? What?

Our daycare was a junkyard and we felt lucky to have it.

Yeah, what can you learn from a daycare teacher that you can't learn from an

eight -fingered hobo?

Well, count to ten.

I still love old Willie anyway.

High four me.

Gary, I got your bids for the Skywalk. I think there's one that might actually

fly. Wow, really, sir?

No, it's not.

How can you ignore these bids? It's the cheapest construction companies in town.

for food company two guys with a hammer and building code building schmode

incorporated i told you before it's not in the budget all right i didn't want to

do this but now i have no choice attention all employees operation slow

down is now in effect

Harder than I thought.

Call it off, Carey, or I'll fire one employee every minute.

You're bluffing.

Try...

Let's cross it once. We can cross it again.

You ready?

Okay.

Hey, hey, watch it! Oh, that's nice, Grandma.

Use that finger to die to your grandkids with.

That's just how you hesitate, huh?

Yes, it's all in the look. You can't look uncertain.

Okay, so she goes, oh, I'm so uncertain. Kill me if you must.

Have you ever seen one lying dead in the street?

That's because they have the look.

Tough confidence.

Hey, where's that confident look? On that sucker's face!

A couple of morons dodging traffic in Death Valley.

9 -1 -1.

I'm going to go reposition them. I don't want people to think they were doing

that when they got hit.

time ever. I understand Kathy.

You think you guys need more painkillers?

I don't know. Let me check.

Not yet.

Hey, what happened to our cheery little optimist? Screw the optimist. They can

kiss my road -rashed ass.

to your room?

Thanks. We can go back and listen to my roommate work on that ball of flamin'

earth road for another hour.

So, is this the room that needs some cheering up?

I'm Archibald Fenn. This is my partner Geller. We are attorneys at Winfred

Lauder. We're just here to settle that whole thing so you don't drag our butts

into court.

If you want a big, fat settlement check, all you gotta do is sign right there.

What's wrong with him?

Oh, he stopped his heart again.

Always the show -off. Look at me!

I'm dead!

Clear?

Okay, Gellan, now make yourself useful and go find me a pair.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing here?

sign anything from them. I should have known when Fred Lowdard sent in their

weasels. Oh, stereotypes are so hurtful.

Attorney's bad.

Attorney's evil.

If stereotypes were true, Mr. Carey, I'd probably have to figure you'd be quite

jolly.

I refer you to the case of rubber versus glue.

here that you waive your right to sue winford louder and in exchange you get

off everything you buy on labor day it's not our fault they were hit in the

street get out of here and tell mr wick he's not through with drew carey what's

one little man gonna do to bring a big company like winfred louder to its knees

well i was thinking about that on the way over here and i'm gonna do the one

thing that no one would ever expect i'm going on a hunger strike

I just had the weirdest dream.

You were going on a hunger strike.

I am going on a hunger strike.

Hey, Drew.

I just had the weirdest dream.

You were going on a hunger strike.

I am going on a hunger strike.

Hey, Drew.

after this really helped me with my hunger strike.

Second, we found somebody else to run the daycare center so you can go back to

your regular job.

What?

Come on, come on, come on.

Don't get all mushy on me.

Warriors don't cry.

I showed you guys platoon.

All right, well, girls, remember, you're never too young for a healthy coat of

mess.

This is what a hunger strike looks like.

Laugh if you want to, sir, but my bodily reserves are quickly being depleted.

Actual weight loss is right around the corner.

Yes, but on the way to that corner is a Taco Bell.

Oh, yeah?

Feel this, buddy.

That's a rib.

I haven't felt one of those since I was 12.

You let this hunger strike continue much longer, and this story's going to be

all over the news.

Oh, really?

What's this?

Oh, it's a chocolate bar.

Oh, damn, it's all melty.

Melty chocolate's always so messy.

Hmm.

Messy.

Melty.

Messy.

Melty.

little piggy is messiest of all.

Oops, Gary.

Look. I think I got a bit of rich, thick chocolate.

On the end of your nose.

I can realize this, sir, but your arm is in danger right up to your elbow.

I'm not giving in.

Now, what am I worried about?

You'll never lose enough weight to evoke sympathy.

Hey, Gandhi did it.

Yes, but what you're forgetting is Gandhi started out thin.

Boys are behind me.

What the hell's going on here, Terry? You gaining weight?

I'm not eating. I don't know what's going on.

Hey, maybe I really am big -boned.

Look, Drew, we all appreciate what you're trying to do here, but I can't

for you to lose weight. I'm retiring in 20 years.

What do you want me to do, call the reporters looking like this?

I'll be one of those stupid human interest stories. On the lighter side,

man thinks he's on a hunger strike.

You know that people are starting to lose confidence in you, Drew. And

talking walkout.

Yep, that's right.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm ashamed of you people.

This man has given up the thing he loves most in the world for you.

Are you sure you're not eating in your sleep?

Fuck it, Joe.

Listen up, everybody.

You can't walk out. People will lose jobs.

One more week. I will be that emaciated, pathetic skeleton that's going to shame

Winter Lauder into building that skywalk. Yeah.

starts to come off, the weight's going to melt off me like butter. And believe

me, most of it is butter.

How's Drew?

Well, he's about as comfortable as can be expected.

I just put a blanket over him.

Man, I can't believe they took your cast off after only two weeks.

Actually, I took it off myself.

The itching was driving me crazy, so last night about three o 'clock, I just

took a butcher knife and just hacked the whole damn thing.

your good idea?

It was the first 20 minutes of scratching.

Now I'm not so sure it's healing right.

I'll get it.

Hey,

it's getting better.

We're here.

Where's Kennedy? He hasn't eaten a thing in over two weeks.

Oh, yeah, so's the sun, but I bet it gets there first.

As you go to your final reward, embrace the light.

Embrace it, I say.

Drew. Drew.

Yeah? Visitors. Oh, Mr.

Wick.

Oh, my lord, where's your fat?

It's a trick.

Let's see who's under here. I'm naked.

Oswald, my feet are kind of cold. Can you put on my slippers, please?

Oh, sure, buddy, sure.

Hold on just a second.

Good God, you've got little girl legs!

That's right.

Pretty soon everyone in Cleveland will see these little girl legs, because I'm

going straight to the papers.

You know, it's ironic.

I'm skinnier than I've ever been in my life, and it's too cold to have a pool

party.

Wait a minute.

How come your head's still so fat?

Something fishy going on. What do you make of it? It's got to be a trick.

It could be somebody else under there. All right, I'm going to check.

Oh, I'm sorry, Drew.

Oh, I'm sorry, eyes.

I'm sorry.

All right, all right. I didn't think you'd take it this far. I'm not a beast.

I have feelings. You'll get your skywalk.

Hey!

I have to get out of here. Your skinny body and big fat head are making me feel

all creepy.

Hey!

say this, but I want to thank you, Mimi.

Bob here wants to thank you.

Hey,

how'd you get that guy to do this anyway?

Not going to risk losing our best customer. Drew's put six of us through

community college.

Going down, down, down, working in a coal mine. I'm about to slip down,

in a coal mine.