Original subtitles

Oh, well, that's smart eating, Drew. Most of the fat is in the skin.

Oh, Mimi, why you got to be like that?

I mean your face.

They're seat covers. Finally save enough money to put a down payment on a new

car. Wow, you can afford a new car?

Yep, brand new 91.

Well, what's the matter? Was the old one getting a little tight around the hips?

I'm back.

Hey.

I got your postcard from Atlantic City. Looks like you and Grandma had some good

times. Yeah, until Grandma got drunk and decided to talk to me like I was her

girlfriend. Oh, guess what? Her new guy can still go at it like a 65 -year -old.

Do you have my mail?

Yeah, it's mostly bills. And your Victoria's Secret catalog came, but I

Did you get the new car?

Fuel for Saver.

You know, it's a little more than I wanted to spend, but at least now when

cute girl in the next lane laughs at me, I know it's not the car.

It'll just be me.

You didn't have to stretch yourself so thin, Drew. Haven't you heard of

payments? It's great.

I didn't owe anything on my microwave for six months. It's not due until March

1st. And I bought this TV.

No payments for a year. So that's not due until...

March 1st. But the pottery wheel, no payments for a year and a half. So I am

good on this baby till March 1st. Oh, my God, that's in two weeks.

Pottery wheel?

Gee, I think that would have paid for itself by now.

Oh, my God, I am so screwed. What am I going to do?

You need money?

I got three words for you.

Prisoners love panties.

Hello?

Yes, this is Drew Carey's desk.

May I ask what this is regarding?

Oh, well, that's okay.

Because I'm his wife.

What? Oh, how awful.

Oh, one minute. I'll go get him.

Drew Carey, your bank is on the phone. They need to talk to you because you

bounced a check.

I repeat, bounced a check.

I don't believe this.

The bounced a check wasn't the one for my prostate exam, was it?

Bounce the check. I just deposited a bunch of checks.

Oh, one of them bounced? From who?

I don't even know Akira Sullivan.

Is her phone number on the check?

Oh, you know, one of my friends must have took it when I had my garage sale.

Thanks. Just transfer the money for my savings.

Yeah, I know there's a fee for that.

Yeah, I know there's a fee for this call.

What? A multiple fee fee?

Well, listen, buddy, I got a few fees of my own.

I got your fee right here fee.

Oh, that was rude.

Bounce check. I don't believe it.

What'd you blow all your money on? Having your corkscrew tail removed?

Real nice, Mimi.

Get a guy while he's down.

I gotta call this woman to get my money back.

Could you please file this paper for me? And for once, could you be careful? I

was up all night working on that proposal.

Lucky it wasn't on.

Oh, I forgot. That wasn't my proposal.

That was your vacation request, your medical claim forms, and oh yeah, you

finally got a letter back from Antonio Banderas.

She better show up. I think I've been sitting here for the last hour drinking

beer for nothing. I could have been... Well, she better show up, that's all.

Could you pass the ketchup?

I know you're in trouble, but you can't go a whole month without spending any

money. Why don't you just let me lend you a few bucks?

Hey, look at this.

What do we got here?

Post -it notes, staples, napkins, lemons.

I'll let you know.

for us to remember the story of the grasshopper and the ant.

Wait, how'd you hear about the grasshopper and the ant?

Nobody outside of Drugco is supposed to know about that.

What do you mean? I'm talking about the fable.

Oh, yeah, the fable.

Genetically engineered ants and grasshoppers kill two workers.

All a big fairy tale.

Guys, I don't need a lecture about money. I may be cash poor, but I am

rich.

Hey, they're throwing out old meat. at the stop and shop. Who's going to give

a ride?

Oh, me?

Why didn't you say so?

I'll give you a ride if Drew lets us borrow the new car.

Come on, I just got it. All right, you can put your meat in my trunk, but don't

get it mixed up with my meat.

No playing Starsky and Hutch. Oh, come on. We're not going to play Starsky and

Hutch. Two guys and a girl? Looks like Dick's a hazard to me.

Let's see, a woman's approaching me in a bar, and it's not last call on St.

Patrick's Day. You must owe me some money.

I'm Keira Sullivan, and I'm so sorry about this. Yeah, I know this must be

embarrassing for you. Let's just get it over with.

Right. I have the cash in here.

Oh, I hope I didn't forget it.

Oh, dear.

Let me retrace my steps.

Step, step, step, Warsaw door.

Step, step, step, my car.

Drive, drive, drive, my house.

Step, step, step.

Oh, there's my earring. That doesn't help you. Okay, let's not have so much

here. Before we get back to crawl, crawl, crawl, let's just sit down and

Boy, Kira. That's an unusual name.

I knew a Kira once.

In junior high, Kira Sims.

That's my maiden name.

Oh, my God.

I knew that name sounded familiar.

Drew. Drew Carey from junior high.

Kira Sims?

I don't believe it. Look at you. You look great. Well, you lost a lot of

Oh, and look at you.

Big as life.

What a loser way to meet you after all these years. No, no. I'm really the one

who should be apologizing to you. Look, I know this is kind of late, but I'm

really sorry I told all those guys in seventh grade that I got to second base

with you. Hey, you had more of a second base than I did back then.

Well, it's still nice of you. I was 13. I was tired of running the bases by

myself.

Yeah, it was a full week.

Oh,

what a jerk.

Hey,

look, I never thought I'd ever say this, but...

Why don't you lay low at my place till the heat dies down?

Baby.

You'd do that for me?

Yeah, if you don't mind sleeping on a lumpy couch.

Oh, wait a minute. What kind of gentleman am I? Listen, I'll take the

couch and you can have the lumpy bed.

This is so great.

Oh, before I forget, let me write you a good check off my other account.

Oh, you know, I should have asked you this before I asked you to stay with me.

You're not still married or anything, are you? Oh, no. I dumped my old man a

long time ago.

Wow. You dumped your old man, now you're shacking up with me till the heat dies

down. Hey, Drew.

Everything's fine.

The car drives great.

Boy, those airbags really come at you, don't they?

Good morning.

Hey, you're up early.

Yeah, I forgot to reset your alarm again.

By the way, I'm impressed.

Clocks that run on potatoes?

Potatoes. They taste good. They're a natural source of power.

Try running anything on stuffing.

Actually, I'm going down to where my old roommate works, and I'm going to give

him hell about stealing those checks.

Where does he work?

Toll booth on the Ohio Turnpike.

Toll booth, huh? You know, there's something I've always wondered about

things. There's a porta potty on the side of the road. Oh.

You know, it's really sweet of you to give me your bedroom, but why don't you

just use the other bedroom?

Oh, I figured you kind of needed your privacy. Besides, at night, my body's

of an orchestra.

You know, I just get more and more attracted to you.

Well, I better get going.

Oh, wait.

I want to show you something. It's the valentine he gave me when we were in

seventh grade.

See how the two skunk's tails form the top of the heart there?

Will you be my valentine, you little stinker?

That is so cute.

Hey, wait a minute.

You haven't been, like, carrying that around in your wallet all this time,

you? No, of course not. I keep it pinned to my underwear.

I'll never forget what you wrote inside here.

I think it's one of the sweetest things anybody ever said to me.

I don't think you're fat.

Kira, you know, since we're already, you know, living together, why don't we

go out tonight, you know, like on a date?

Okay, but I get to make the plans.

Pick me up at my place.

Oh, Kira.

Well, you came and you wrote me a bad check.

But you paid me right back. Oh, Kira.

Oh, Kira.

You were gone, you lost weight, but you're back now.

Yeah, listen, I just bought a car from you, and I don't even have the paperwork

yet, and now it's stolen.

Yeah, 91 Buick LeSabre.

Repossessed?

Now, look, my down payment check couldn't have bounced. That's

The only way it could have bounced is if that woman who wrote me the check and

it didn't clear. I'll call you right back.

Listen, everybody, I know you're used to big fancy cars for your executive

carpool, but in the meantime...

Hey, how many of you have ridden in a real delivery truck before, huh? Let's

a show of hands.

Come on, it's not my fault no one else had a car available.

Well, here comes our delivery man. Scooch in, will you?

There were pounds!

You didn't tell me there were pounds!

I forgot.

I'm freezing!

Hello, Bean. I thought there was someone in here.

Problem is? Slow metabolism?

No. I believe the best of people. I trust people.

Here we are. Hey, buddy, you mind running this up to that house for me?

what's wrong with this place?

Nothing. Trust me.

All right, then. Out with it. What's the problem with this stuff?

It's no problem. You see that beautiful woman, Drew Stockett, too? Huh?

is a guy.

And so it's a little overly affectionate.

That's a lovely idea, but I'm sure when Cary gets up close, he'll see it's a

man. No, he didn't!

Thanks, buddy.

Talk about gorgeous.

My date should kiss me so good.

Yeah.

He's actually in a real good mood when he gets his estrogen.

What a day.

Here is probably a thousand miles away, but I can't get my car back without a

cashier's check.

Thanks for giving me a ride home, Kate.

Hey, what are friends for?

I mean, what do we use? Maybe three, four gallons of gas at what?

$1 .20 a gallon?

And my time is certainly not worth more than $10 an hour.

And that would come to $21 .50. But you're a friend, let's call it $20 even.

Fine.

What, no tip?

Bounty hunter.

For 50 bucks, I'll cover the state and find her for you. Yeah, if you can find

her, I'll give you 100.

Hey, Drew.

Found her. That'll be 100 bucks.

You're still here? You've got a lot of nerve.

Yeah, if Hickory Farms wasn't giving out free samples in 10 minutes, I'd give

you a piece of my mind.

Give her hell, Drew.

What happened?

What do you want, lady? The puff is dry.

Oh, no. My second check bounced.

Oh, God, Drew. I'm so sorry. That bastard roommate of mine must have taken

checks from both accounts. Oh, yeah, the evil roommate. Let me guess, this evil

roommate of yours, can he change shapes and become you, for example?

Let me tell you, Drew, your anger is misplaced. No, no, no, no. My car is

misplaced. My money is misplaced. My trust is misplaced. But my anger is

but net.

Oh, wow.

I wanted it to be romantic. It was supposed to be our first date.

Ribs and ham.

Wow, you made everything I like.

And no vegetables.

Actually, I did make vegetables.

Beer -battered broccoli.

Wow, you can hardly taste the broccoli.

Great. I get it.

I eat this. I get sleepy.

Next thing you know, I wake up on a cargo ship, part of some...

chubby white guy slave trade thing you got going on.

And here I thought I was so smooth.

But you got me, Drew.

You know what a middle management guy your size goes for these days?

We'll make millions.

Oh, man.

I wrote a check for Girl Scout Cookies last week. It's probably one of their

goons.

Is Kira Sullivan here?

Who are you? I'm her old roommate.

Wait a second. There really was an old roommate?

Yeah, and he's plenty ticked off.

You think that was funny, parking your car in my toll booth today?

I could have called the cops, but technically you weren't in Pennsylvania

Ohio.

Wait a second, there really was an old roommate?

You're the reason that I lost my car.

You're the reason my grandma lost her teeth. You're the reason I kissed a man

full on the mouth. I'm bouncing checks all over town because of you. I think

owe both of us some money. Oh, yeah?

Well, what are you going to do?

You know, I may not be able to beat you up. I may not even be able to stop you

from beating me up.

But I know a woman with stubble who would walk through fire for me and she'd

kick your ass.

You're insane.

Insane? You want to see insane?

That was my dinner. Now I'm really mad.

Here.

Drive safely and have a nice day.

I didn't mean that.

Just force a habit.

of Derby out there, huh?

Thanks for standing up for me.

I hope I can kiss as good as that man.

Oh, Kira, are you here? Are you making my

breakfast? Where the hell is my breakfast?

furniture's gone i told you he'd notice she's the sweetest you know she felt so

bad about bouncing that second check she wanted to give you something so she's

having all your furniture reupholstered yeah am i stereo what is this a test she

ripped me off don't you get it she took everything she robbed me it's

everything's gone are you sure yeah she ripped you off why is your tv still here

oh gee why would someone take a 17 year old tv where you have to use pliers to

change a channel

And she even took the pliers.

Gee, and they seem like such nice people.

They?

Yeah, her and her brother.

You know, come to think of it, he was pretty in shape for a guy who worked at

toll booth.

Oh, my God, he was in on it. It was all a big con. How could I be so stupid? How

am I going to find these people?

We're sorry we let him get away with it, but at least one of us was on the ball.

She dropped her wallet, and something told me maybe I should hold on to this.

Hey, I never said this when I was sober, but Oswald, you're a genius. Yeah.

idea. I mean, there's five social security cards alone.

And eight driver's licenses.

Hey,

Kate. It's Kate.

Hey, you're finally getting your floor buffed. That's one way of putting it,

yeah.

Hey, I got good news, too. I went to the bank and consolidated all my debts into

one big loan. Only 21 % interest. No payments for a year.

Hey, it's the Idiot's Club. Welcome.

Hey, I found this note. Kira on your door.

Dear Drew, I'm sorry. I feel real crappy conning you like this, but I'm my own

boss and the hours are good.

I'll always remember the special times we had in the fifth grade at that place,

that time you said those nice things.

Always Kira Sims.

I thought she spelled Sims with two M's, not one.

She did.

And we didn't meet in fifth grade. We didn't get together until seventh grade.

Oh my God, she's never the same person I thought it was.

stranger. I slept with a stranger.

Hey, I slept with a stranger.

Well, how bad did she need furniture?

Coming.

Are you Drew Carey? Yes, sir.

Did you have some furniture stolen?

You're a detective, right?

Well, be thankful you engraved your name on all your stuff.

Because we found it on a truck that had a... Little accident pulling out of a

toll booth.

Ha! Told you they'd start those lanes soon enough.

Can you identify the suspects?

Of course, if you can, you're in line for a reward, Mr. Carey.

See, I knew something good was going to come out of all of this.

How much?

Fifty bucks.

Fifty bucks, really? Oh, that's great.

I'll be right out. Thanks very much.

Thanks. Thank you. Bye -bye. Thank you. Did you hear that?

The insurance company would have gave me $5 ,000 for all my old crappy stuff,

but I'm not getting it. Instead, I'm getting all my old crappy stuff back,

50 bucks.

I'm screwed again.

Drew, this only happened because you're one of the most wonderful, caring,

trusting people in the world.

Sure, once in a while you're going to get burned. You're going to lose your

your furniture, your dignity.

But hey, look on the bright side. We got a great place to play soccer inside.

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