Original subtitles

You want to see me, Drew?

Yeah, Hank, come on in and have a seat.

So how are things on the security beam?

Oh, I can't complain.

You know, I'm just a foot soldier in the war on shoplifting.

Yeah, so listen, Hank, remember last week when I fired you?

I just wanted to call you in to remind you that you're fired.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are. No, I'm not. Yes, you are, Hank. Come on, listen,

you've got to stop coming into work. You're making the new guy nervous. It's

hat. You've got to give it back.

Well, you may have fired me, Drew, but you see, I'm not really fired.

It takes two people to do a firing.

And I didn't agree.

Besides, I got a wife to support.

I thought you were divorced.

Well, she's divorced.

I'm not.

Hey, please, you know, I don't like to do this, but it's my job.

Now, I had to fire you. You were overzealous with all the customers. No,

wasn't.

You told a 79 -year -old woman...

to kick the cane over here and eat tile.

Hey, Drew, that's our policy.

Trust no one.

The minute you enter the store, you give up all your rights.

No, see, there's two things wrong with that. First of all, that's not our

policy. And second of all, you're fired.

Oh, no.

Hey, Drew, drop that $10 out of you. I'll pay you next week.

You said you're going to have it today.

Well, I don't have it. I can't pay you money I don't have.

Let's see your wallet.

Excuse me?

Let's see if you have the money. Open your wallet.

Hey, back off, old -timer, okay?

Open it.

No, open it. Why am I arguing with you? Weren't you fired?

Well, if I'm fired, then I'm not really here.

So it's going to be nobody kicking your ass all around this office in two

minutes.

I'm not doing this because I'm afraid.

Yes, you are.

What for?

I'm transferring you over to collections. You start tomorrow.

do that to me i'm one of sally may cosmetics best reps oh yeah i'd like to

you try and repossess my makeup case you have to pry it from my dead cold hands

hey mimi i don't see drew is he here trust me if he was here you'd see him no

matter which way you look now get out of my face before i catch a bad case of

the stupids always a pleasure ma 'am

Handsome and handsomer.

Hey, hold on. Nobody calls us handsome. This must be a trick.

Oh, I'm sorry if I was a little harsh. I thought you were two other idiots that

I don't like.

Oh, it's not a trick. Come on.

Well, as you know, I'm a sales rep for Sally Mae Cosmetics.

More like a billboard.

Well,

here's something you need.

A new line of clothes. I can give it to you for 10 bucks.

Oh, hey, how come it says sample?

Oh, it doesn't. It's French. It's called Sample.

I don't know.

Well, buy it now. Get it cheap while the FDA drags its feet on approval.

Oh, by the way, Salome is not responsible for loss of vision, kidney

birth defects, you know.

Hey, Kate, get ready to smell something wonderful. I'm not going to pull

anything.

No, it's a French cologne called Sample.

Wait till you get a load of this.

You ever smell a cigar that's been sitting in a urinal?

Oh, I get it. This is one of the pranks you're going to play on Drew for his

birthday. Not bad.

But stand back, because this year I have outdone myself.

Oh, you finally found a way to top last year's Hey, Drew, Look Over There? Oh, I

did.

You have it so great.

How about an entire day of practical jokes?

First, we're going to reset his scale to make him think he's gained 30 pounds.

And then we're going to let out his pants to make him think he lost 30

Here he comes.

Hey, guess what? I'm getting a promotion.

Hey, congratulations.

Yeah, I'm going to be the new regional personnel director for all three Winford

Lauder stores. Hey, congratulations.

That's exactly how I want you to react when I actually get the promotion.

See?

We just had this meeting, and I offered to update all the Winford Louder

training videos.

If I do a good job, I'm a shoo -in. All I need now is an A -OK and the money.

Boy, it's about time someone changed those training films. They look like

were made in the 50s.

Yeah, I've seen those films.

They always got those guys with the skinny ties and the crew cuts and the

glasses.

Well, I won't look so stupid when I'm regional personnel director.

For once, I'm going to celebrate my birthday by getting ahead.

You know, since Denny's got rid of that free meal thing, I got nothing.

Hey, why don't you guys go down and lunch without me? I'll meet you down

and we'll celebrate. All right. Thank you, bud.

Hello?

Oh, yeah, you have an answer for me on the money for those training videos?

What do you mean you have to inform me by registered mail? You're two cubicles

away.

Oh, yeah, well, how about this for company policy?

I can hit you with a stapler from here.

Oh, I got the money?

Thank you, sir.

By the way, you have your butt called. You want your head back.

Hey, Drew, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah, sure, sit down.

This is kind of hard for me to talk about, but I think my boss might be

on to me, and I'm not sure what to do.

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was staring at your breasts.

This is sexual harassment, and I'm Drew Carey.

It's important to define what is and isn't appropriate behavior in the

workplace. The difference can be something as subtle as tone of voice.

For example... Yes, ma 'am, you wanted a package delivered?

Yeah, just one question. Can I get it overnight?

No problem there.

I changed the tone of voice and... Yes, ma 'am, you wanted a package delivered?

Yeah, just one question. Can I get it overnight?

Um, I don't know.

If I can't get it overnight, can you guarantee it by morning?

Whoa, she stopped talking about a real package. a long time ago.

Obviously, that crosses a line.

Another tricky area is physical contact.

In the course of a normal day, we touch many people. Shaking hands, pat on the

back, brushing lint off a shoulder, all perfectly innocent.

But, there's right touching and wrong touching.

Excuse me, your hair clip's falling out.

Right touching.

Excuse me, your hair clip's falling.

Oh, no.

Wrong touching.

Hey, buddy, you're fired.

It's important to remember that you have the right to put a stop to this kind of

behavior, even if it's your boss.

Good afternoon, Mr. Bobak.

I have a bottle of Rothschild 67 back at my place, and I was wondering if you

could... Oh, it's not the camera.

Sir, what are you doing?

Connery.

Sean Connery.

That's very good, but I think it's important just to keep things, you know,

little more real. Oh, say no more. I'll do Michael Caine.

All the birds adore me because I've got sensitive eyes and wavy hair.

Well, if you close your eyes, you think that was Michael Caine himself throwing

my promotion down the toilet.

All right, I'll do it your way. Pardon me for having range.

Try it one more time.

About your raise, Miss Bobeck. Why don't I pick up some wine and we go to a

cheap motel to discuss this further?

Let's go to my place. I got beers.

Try looking in those eyes and saying no.

Okay, that's it.

I need some cooperation.

I got another video to shoot. The store opens in an hour.

Mimi, just do the line right this time.

Fine.

I'm sorry, sir, but your behavior is making me feel uncomfortable.

Yes, I think that'd be a little more convincing if you took your hand off my

bum.

Just keep rolling. We'll cut that out.

I will not go to your motel.

but I will file a complaint against you.

And if that doesn't stop you, I can take you to court.

That's right.

Sexual harassment is a crime, and it's against the law, and you don't have to

take it. You can sue, or if you have to, let your knee be the judge.

This is the best part.

This has been a Winfred Lauder, Drew Carey production.

I laughed. I cried. I felt harassed.

After I get to work, I'm showing these to the board at 9 o 'clock, which means

that they should be carrying me on their shoulders to my new executive offices

by 10 .30, which should be easy because check this out.

My pants are loose. I'm losing weight.

Losing weight, you say, huh?

How much have you lost? Have you weighed yourself on your scale?

Well, what am I going to believe? My pants are some silly scale.

I think it must have been that sit -up.

birthday till tomorrow.

Oh, that's just a coming attraction. Tomorrow he wakes up in a little tiny

Not bad, but my tank is going to blow yours away.

Check out what I did to Drew's office safety video.

Hi, I'm Drew Carey, and the next few minutes could save your life.

You know, a lot of people think that office safety is just a bunch of hot

Well, here at Winford Louder, we take it seriously.

Let's face it.

Accidents happen.

Oh, my God. Where are the sounds? Right here in the office. I put in sounds.

I went to this guy's recording studio and put in funny sounds.

What do you mean? Like snoring or train whistles or that exciting sound a

squirrel makes when you chase him around a pole?

What?

Worse. Much worse.

And if I've got this tape, that means Drew has my tape.

Oh, my God.

Thank you for seeing me and for the opportunity to show you the next

of human resource training films.

What's wrong with the films we use now?

Well, all due respect, Mrs. Louder, we're kind of out of date. I mean,

women are allowed to wear slacks and men can have beards and the quote -unquote

Nancy boys are now some of our best salesmen.

Mrs. Louder, I'm not going to make any bones about it. I want Owens' job.

Terry, I like this side of you.

Let me get it, Mrs. Louder. Let me.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Hello?

Miss Kate O 'Brien, is Drew Carey there? Carrie, it's Kate O 'Brien for you.

I can't believe she called me here. Tell her I'll call her back.

Don't play the tape. Don't play the tape. Busy. Bye.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, after seeing this, I'm sure you'll view me in a whole new

light.

Hi, I'm Drew Carey, and the next few minutes could save your life.

You know, a lot of people think that office safety is just a bunch of hot

Well, here at Winford Louder, we take it seriously.

Let's face it, accidents happen.

You'd be surprised how many happen right here in the office every day.

From your computer monitor to your pencil sharpener, danger lurks

Uh -oh.

This could have been a real problem.

A trench protector could start an electrical fire.

Let me guess, Gary, you shot this after lunch.

I'm sorry, I'll turn it off right away.

Oh, Gary, put a cork in it. Ah!

the office and see if we can find any other hidden dangers.

For example, let me show you the right way and the wrong way to pick up a water

cooler. Oh, no, not the water cooler.

First, never bend at the waist.

Instead, let your lower body do the work. Bend at the knees.

If anybody has any heart conditions, I should warn you in the next scene, I

climb the ladder.

Happy birthday!

Oswald? Lewis?

Get out!

What do we do?

Maybe the laughing stock of the whole store, that's what you did.

No one's ever going to take me seriously now. There's no way in hell I'm going

to get the promotion.

What, did you think that was going to be funny?

Well, it would have been if you'd played it at your party like you were supposed

to.

You?

You did this to me? Look, Drew, this will all blow over. Just put it behind

and don't look back.

Don't blame Kate for ruining your presentation. She was just trying to

with us.

Oh, great. What kind of hell are you guys going to put me through? I better

wake up with another naked dummy of my mother.

Buddy, after all you've been through, we've called off all the rest of the

pranks. Yeah, alright.

You know, I gotta figure out a way to get back some respect so I can get that

job. Or at least get people to quit following me around with matches.

Why don't you guys just go to lunch without me? I've been munching on this

day.

Okay, buddy.

If you don't

think that's an improvement, you're wrong.

When it's not busy.

Did you come in here just to make the worst day of my life worse? Or do you

something work -related to discuss?

Well, face it. You're not going nowhere.

You're going to be in this cubicle forever.

You better start sucking up to the kid in the mailroom with the dead eyes.

Because he's going to be moving up to the top of this company before you.

No, he won't.

Damn it.

Judy? Yeah, put Mrs. Lauder on. It's Drew Carey.

Drew.

And personnel.

Yeah, that's right, gassy carry.

Oh, Mrs. Louder?

Yeah, listen, I know you're in the middle of a big meeting, but I insist.

No, I am asking if I can come down and address the board for just a couple

minutes.

No, I don't have any more funny videos.

Thank you.

Show that kid in the room.

Today's not just my birthday.

Today is the day I show Winford Louder that I am no fool.

Oh, damn it, Oswald and Lewis.

Oswald, how could you leave that cake in your truck all morning? You knew it was

made of tofu.

Well, Drew didn't seem to notice, and what's the problem if it got a little

warm? The problem is, wherever Drew just went, he's armed with about a quart of

spoiled bean curd in his belly.

Good afternoon.

And just thanks for seeing me.

Are you going to burp the alphabet today?

No, no, I'm not.

Actually, yesterday just wasn't one of my better days.

Somebody played a childish prank on me. But, you know, you have my word that

something like that is never, ever going to happen again.

Boo.

Boo.

Boo.

This is crazy. Here I am trying to ask you to take me seriously when what I

should be doing is showing you my record.

Which is down in my office. I'll be back in just ten minutes.

Mr. Carey, don't move.

If you have something to say, say it now.

Okay, if I'm going to stay, then I'm going to sit.

Because I always wanted to sit under these chairs.

Cut to the chase.

I think I'm qualified for this job, and I think I deserve it.

Notwithstanding that little prank, which pretty much blew up in your face, we

think you're the man for the job.

Oh, my God. Really? You're kidding.

You are our new regional manager.

All right. Well, thank you.

Entitled only and only for the next 30 days. We're closing one of our stores,

and the other one's accidentally burning down next month.

You're getting a new parking space, a token raise, and a hearty pat on the

I wouldn't do that.

Congratulations.

Thanks. Well, I guess there's nothing else for me to do but to rush out of

and prove to you that you chose the right man for the job, huh?

Here I go.

Wardroom looks great.

Minimum wage.

Minimum wage plus five cents, thank you. Oh, good. Let me turn on the part of my

brain that gives a damn.

Let's get it to Spain.

Well, actually, Global only serves Ohio and Indiana.

But I can get it to the Pennsylvania border, and then we can give it over to

Worldwide Parcel.

And they can get it to Spain?

No, they can get it to Jersey.

Then we give it to Universal.

They're the big boys. They can get it to Bermuda.

And then what?

Well, do you know anybody in Bermuda?

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