Original subtitles

I mean, my grandmother controlled better than... Oh,

arm cramp, arm cramp.

Pretty great living with us, isn't it, buddy, huh? We should have done this

years ago.

Yeah, all it took was my parents losing their house in Florida and pushing me

out of mine.

Hey, I just noticed this.

I can dip a chip with my ice cream scooping arm.

God closes one bag of chips and opens up another.

Oh, man.

Three guys living in a one -bedroom, one -bath apartment.

Oh, to be one of the thousands of flies on that wall.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. First down Cleveland, huh?

You guys want to pay up now? Wait a minute. How can you be betting on

The Browns moved to Baltimore last year.

Yeah, this is a tape of a game we went to back in 89.

Luckily, we were also drunk. We can't remember how it ends.

Oh, man. Look at that. What kind of pathetic loser takes his shirt off in

-zero weather?

Hey, that's Oswald.

Okay, at least you're not as pathetic as the guy with Go Deep written on his

butt cheeks.

Hey, that's Lewis.

He's at the 30. Go! That's one. Go!

Go! Come on.

Come on. The tape ran out.

What are you going to bet on now?

You can bet on how long it's going to take you boys to get a life.

I'm going to get my car washed. I'll see you later.

Bye. Bye.

Bet you she springs for the hot way. Bet you she doesn't.

How are we going to find out?

We'll follow her. Right here.

Jeez, I miss the Browns. You miss the Browns. Now every time I drop my pants

public, nobody understands my ass.

of the city pounding in my brain while another day goes down the drain.

It's freezing out here, and I want my jacket.

Well, where is it?

It's in there.

Well, that wasn't a very smart move, that was it.

Just let me in.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Man, only to go up two days, and already you changed the locks?

Well, your father's down in Florida, and God knows who you gave keys to.

You remember that little incident with Oswald and Lewis?

They marched right in, and I was wearing only what God gave me.

First of all, they didn't know you're gonna be in here. Second of all, there

were only eight.

And third of all, I don't know what God gave you, but it gave Louis weird dreams

for the next three weeks.

Anyway, I just came by to make sure you're okay and pick up the rest of my

stuff. I'm still trying to make Oswald and Louis' place feel a little bit more

like home.

Jeez, it's like a shell game trying to find my toaster.

Well, we're starting to move in, trying to make the place our own again.

Not that you didn't do lovely things with it. Have you any idea when you guys

are gonna be, you know, Getting out of here and going back to Florida? I hate

see you stuck here in this drafty old house.

Oh, Drew, I don't care if it takes us 30 years to get back on our feet. You

won't hear one word of complaint about this house.

30 years?

In a row?

Let's see, I'm 30 something.

That means I'll be 65.

Boy, you know, I can't believe you want to stay up here. It's a lot safer down

in Florida.

Yeah, I mean, make sure the windows are always locked. We've had a lot of break

-ins. Neighborhood's changed in the last couple of years. Oh, my.

Yeah, but if you have any problems, you know, just go next door. Someone's

always up because it's a crack house now.

Well, whatever you do, don't call the people on the other side.

Well, you know, unless you want a lady of the evening.

Good Lord, I had no idea.

Well, I think it's time that we took back the neighborhood.

Well, Mom, I don't really think it's necessary.

We're not...

Actually, I don't think they'll be that big of a problem. They're posing as a

nice minister, his wife, and their three adopted Vietnamese kids.

And whatever you do, don't yell at the ladies in the evening. They want

everybody to think they're a nice Catholic family with six daughters.

Well, they're still whores! And paint your fence, you filthy...

Hey, Drew, you decent?

Just a minute.

Okay.

Okay, come on in. Okay.

Here's some towels. Just throw them on the floor when you're done.

Oh, I get it. Then you step on them and wipe up the floor.

That's why you don't have a mop or a girlfriend or visitors.

Actually, it's a little game we play.

Ignore the growing pile of laundry for as long as you can stand it.

Five -time champion.

Hey, man.

Can't thank you enough for letting me stay with you guys. Man, we can't thank

you enough for wearing pants.

Hey. On the way home, I picked up some of those little frozen pizza things you

went with. Oh, well, where are you going to cook them?

I was thinking about the oven. That thing? It's basically just a big gas

with a door.

Oh, man.

How can you sleep with a leaky gas oven? Oh, sleeping's easy. It's waking up

that's the problem.

Well, just, you know, take a hot shower then, I guess. Oh, where are you going

to take a shower?

I'm no good at this game. Just tell me what's wrong with the shower.

Nothing, just as long as you shower at the same time the people upstairs are

showering. The good news is the water's already soapy.

Well, I don't want to sound ungrateful, but this place sucks.

You know, somebody had a complaint to your landlord.

Oh, well, we did.

We complained about the oven, and he said, I'll give you something to

about, and he nailed all our windows shut.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Drew, you remember Susie from work?

You remember me, don't you, Drew? You fired me. Hey, I didn't fire you.

I may have danced like hell at the farewell party, but I did not fire you.

I gotta pee.

Well, it's right in there, but if you want to flush, you gotta jiggle the

handle. With this.

What the hell are you doing with Susie, man? She only dates rich guys. Well, she

saw me in the tux and she heard me talking about how the guys at Drug Club

they had never seen anyone climb the ladder so fast because, you know, I'm

that work on the roof and all.

Anyway, she got the idea that I was rich.

Oh, by the way, I don't live here. I own the building.

But, Lewis, you can't afford the kind of lifestyle she's used to.

I can if I take on a few extra jobs and stop paying taxes.

Okay, honey.

I want to go somewhere else to wash my hands. All righty, then.

We'd better go. The limo's waiting.

Limo? What's wrong with your car?

My car?

Well,

you know how Jags are.

Yeah. You know how Jags are.

So?

So, one of them hit my Porsche.

Bye.

Problem, Kenny?

Yeah, but I've been sleeping on the couch all week and my back is killing

Oh, I learned a bit about spinal adjustment in the Royal Army. You do

spine in there, don't you, Kenny?

If you want me to, sir.

Close your hands in front of your chest.

You know what you're doing, sir? Well, we're about to find out, aren't we?

Wow!

Hey, I feel much better. You're right, it worked.

That's because your spine isn't perfect aligned.

Unfortunately, cleaning and jerking your bulk from this planet has thrown mine

into a shambles.

Would you mind?

Auditioning a fourth roommate?

Nice work, Kitty. You can be in my queen's army any day.

So big, how's life in the new barn?

You think I like sharing an apartment? Well, I don't. At least it's nice to

friends you can count on.

You know what it's like to need a friend, don't you? You know, someone to

the parasites off your back.

Oh, ha ha. Oh, that's so funny, Drew.

Oh, I'm going to go home and laugh at that by myself in my own apartment while

you're jockeying for position around the bowl.

May I help you?

Yeah, Drew Carey called about one of my rental units, Louis Koninsky and Oswald

Harvey. Well, well, well.

You must be their landlord, Mr. Tinsley.

Thanks for coming on by.

Well, you tend to respond quickly when somebody says they have compromising

pictures. Let's see them.

Oh, my God.

This is sick.

That's right. That's the bathroom.

That's the tub.

That's the sink, and that's the kitchen floor.

I don't remember there being carpeting on the kitchen floor.

Those are ants!

You dragged me down here for this.

I had to do something. You won't return my calls. Nothing worse than that

apartment. It's a death trap.

I'll have you know that death trap is walking distance to shopping and three

churches and two nudie parlors, and who the hell are you?

Well, let's just say I'm a friend.

You know how many things are wrong in that apartment? You know you can't

more than three appliances at one time?

So, what are you, running a methamphetamine lab in there, or what?

No, I was just trying to open a can of tuna, have coffee, and have a ton all at

the same time.

Hey, no parties.

Let me tell you something, Tinsley, this isn't going to go away.

You know, we're taking you to court, because there's no way we're going to

living in conditions like that.

Wait a minute.

You're living there?

Yeah, call that living.

But your name's not on the lease, so you're illegally occupying that

Well, I'm not enjoying it.

Oh, you're absolutely right, Mr. Carey.

Nobody should have to occupy an apartment like that.

What's that little smile supposed to mean?

Oh, no.

Drew huffed and he puffed and he blew our lease down.

That's why the House of Smells hires people like me to call you, so you can

money by buying knockoffs of your favorite perfume.

For Obsession, we have Preoccupied.

For Charlie, we have Chuck. And for Opium, why not try our Smack?

Lewis, get off the phone. You've been tying it up all night.

Would you hold on? I get the sucker hooked.

Oops. Hello?

Sucker, hello? Oh, that's great. She hung up. Lewis, it's after midnight.

Not in Australia.

You're going to have to pay for that phone bill, and I want it in dollars,

smack.

Why are you selling this crap over the phone?

What does Susie want you to buy her now?

She doesn't want anything.

Does it bother you that for once I'm happy?

Louis, what's in your mouth?

Nothing.

Show me what's in your mouth. Nothing in my mouth. Show me what's in your mouth.

There's nothing in my mouth. Show me what's in your mouth.

Oh, my God, he got braces.

Susie made him get braces.

Braces.

Little packets of rubber bands everywhere.

Now it's so obvious.

Hey, Kate.

If you don't mind, I used some of your roll -on deodorant.

You did what?

Made for a woman, but I like it too.

Fine, keep it.

Just add it to Lewis's phone bill and Oswald's brand new can of contraceptive

foam.

I don't care what it is. It shaves clean.

Hey, guys, if we're going to live together, especially for a long, long

we're going to have to learn to get along.

And, you know, once we get our... No, no, no, hold it.

I love you guys. A little less than I did eight hours ago, but I love you.

But I got to tell you, you're here for a couple nights and that's it.

And, Oswald, I'm almost afraid to ask this, but why do you

smell like a fresh summer's day?

Add it to my bill. Oh, right.

Hey,

hey, hey, Kate, what if I give you a free bottle of perfume and a

to Psychology Today?

Look, it's nobody's fault.

It's not Drew's fault that he couldn't stand up to his parents.

He didn't ask to be weak -willed.

And yet, oddly enough, he did stand up to our landlord.

But it's not his fault that he got us kicked out of our apartment any more

it's his fault that we're crowded into your little apartment sleeping on the

floor like vagrants at an all -night ATM.

All right, all right, it's my fault.

You know, when my parents showed up, I couldn't turn them away.

You know what?

When I was younger, I promised my mom and dad I'd buy them a castle, you know,

when I grew up.

I'll go see my mom first thing in the morning, and I'll straighten this whole

thing out.

All right.

Until then.

Let's have a good night's sleep.

And let's keep in mind that it's not easy for four adults to live together.

let's be respectful of everyone's space.

Okay. Just have a good night, everybody.

Good night.

Good night.

Hey,

as soon as she's asleep, I got the pail of warm water all ready.

Her bra's already in the freezer.

The saran wrap's already on the toilet.

It is?

Look at all these cruises.

Vienna, Paris, Lisbon, Rome.

How much sex do we have to have before I can go to Rome?

Sounds really pricey, but looks really romantic.

Yeah, maybe you can get a job on the ship. Then we could both go.

All right.

That's it.

You know, I'm only a chump for so long, you know? Sure, you may be pretty and

smart and sophisticated, but maybe that's not what I'm looking for. Let me

you what holds up.

Simple, plain, and cheap.

Yeah. Now, the girl I want may not be the most beautiful girl in the room, but

when she smiles at me with those crooked teeth and gazes at me longingly with

those not -quite -blue -enough eyes, I'll know she's leaving with me, because

the bartender's closing up the place and says she can't sleep there.

Are you done?

No. No, we're done. I'm tired of waiting on you hand and foot, and if I have

nothing else left, at least I still have my dignity.

Now, you want to hear the specials again, or are you ready to run?

Mimi, I appreciate you getting me involved, but I just don't want to sell

Mae cosmetics anymore.

It's greasy and it smells weird. It makes your skin a funny color. It's

and it looks bad when you put it on.

Oh, you think it's that easy, do you, huh?

Do you know who Sally Mae is?

She's a 52 -year -old Polish guy from Baltimore who got kicked out of the mob

for holding that kiss of death just a little bit too long.

Is this a threat, young lady?

Because I live between a brothel and a crack house.

I'm coming.

Hey, Mom.

Mimi. What are you doing here?

She just had dinner, and she's leaving.

You had dinner?

What'd you have?

Oh, your mom made macaroni and cheese.

With real cheese?

No. Oh, man, that's my favorite.

Don't forget your case.

Okay. Fine.

I can get another salesperson in a minute. I was just doing you a favor.

You don't need money. I know, because Drew will take care of you.

Oh, yeah.

He's a real mover and a shaker.

At least he shakes when he moves.

I'm sorry you had to hear that.

That's okay.

I was on the sidewalk. She's got lousy balance.

There she goes again.

Oh, we're bad.

Mom, have a seat.

Yes, dear.

I have got great news.

Oswald and Lewis got kicked out of their apartment, and because of that, you're

going to Florida.

Slow down, Drew.

It'll make everybody happy. I get my house back, and I'll pitch in a little

extra so you and Dad can get a nice little apartment down in Florida.

Florida? Sure.

You hate the winters up here.

That's why you moved down there.

All that cold and that ice, that's not good for you guys.

Yes, but we could be killed by a hurricane in Florida.

Yeah, well, a hurricane's not so bad.

You're lifted up into the sky.

You know, like drawn up into heaven. It's like a ballet.

Well, to tell you the truth, we do, Miss Florida, and our friends.

But you can't afford to put us up in an apartment down there, dear. Sure I

could. I could take a second job.

Hey, put on a pair of suspenders and give the big boy a break.

No, we can't let you make that sacrifice.

We'll move out.

Your Aunt Gertie says we can live in the guest house on her estate.

But Aunt Gerda lives in a nursing home.

I know, but wasn't that sweet?

So you're not going to move?

Well, I don't see how we can.

All right.

I'm going to go back to Kate's and spend another night on the floor.

It's not so bad, though. Last night we made Kate with her bed and we made

flashlight circles on the ceiling.

Oh, I almost forgot. Here's your mail.

You got something from your bank down in Florida.

Oh, yes. This is probably our Silver Eagle Club statement.

Silver Eagle Club, what's that?

Well, it's just a little hedge against inflation. Your father and I bought some

gold. Was it a couple of cougar ads or something? Oh, I don't know what it's up

to. Oh, it's down.

$130 ,000?

Well, we're probably just riding out of market recovery.

$130 ,000?

It's for our old age.

But this is our nest egg.

Our rainy day money.

Mom, it is...

save up all the money? Is that the money you save for not using real cheese?

You know, you and Dad could take some of that money and put a nice down payment

on the house. No, I don't know, Drew.

You're a silver eagle, baby!

Spread your wings and fly!

Well, I don't know.

Well, I guess we still have our Microsoft stock.

Microsoft?

And you got me sock slippers for Christmas.

All right, Drew.

We'll start looking for a nice little place in Florida.

Oh, thanks, Mom. That means a lot.

Still wish I could have bought you that castle.

Oh, with a son like you, who needs a castle?

Oh, and by the way, I called the police about those crackheads next door. They

stuck by that minister's story to the end.

Oh, jeez. And would you know it, all those whores next door came out in his

defense.

Well, I guess I won't be going to the youngest horse confirmation.

Well, look who's here.

I didn't recognize you without your dress up around your neck.

I hear there's a new store manager.

I got Jeb's runt.

Excuse me, Mimi. Back in your office. I can handle this.

You must be Mr.

Wick. I'm here to intercourse.

I mean interview for the job. I mean intercourse.

Excuse me, young woman. This is a place of business.

We can't get a drink here. Come on, let's go.

Well,

I don't know. She just fell.