All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s02e13 Hello-Goodbye.eng

I mean, my grandmother controlled better
than... Oh,

arm cramp, arm cramp.

Pretty great living with us, isn't it,
buddy, huh? We should have done this

years ago.

Yeah, all it took was my parents losing
their house in Florida and pushing me

out of mine.

Hey, I just noticed this.

I can dip a chip with my ice cream
scooping arm.

God closes one bag of chips and opens up
another.

Oh, man.

Three guys living in a one -bedroom, one
-bath apartment.

Oh, to be one of the thousands of flies
on that wall.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. First down
Cleveland, huh?

You guys want to pay up now? Wait a
minute. How can you be betting on

The Browns moved to Baltimore last year.

Yeah, this is a tape of a game we went
to back in 89.

Luckily, we were also drunk. We can't
remember how it ends.

Oh, man. Look at that. What kind of
pathetic loser takes his shirt off in

-zero weather?

Hey, that's Oswald.

Okay, at least you're not as pathetic as
the guy with Go Deep written on his

butt cheeks.

Hey, that's Lewis.

He's at the 30. Go! That's one. Go!

Go! Come on.

Come on. The tape ran out.

What are you going to bet on now?

You can bet on how long it's going to
take you boys to get a life.

I'm going to get my car washed. I'll see
you later.

Bye. Bye.

Bet you she springs for the hot way. Bet
you she doesn't.

How are we going to find out?

We'll follow her. Right here.

Jeez, I miss the Browns. You miss the
Browns. Now every time I drop my pants

public, nobody understands my ass.

of the city pounding in my brain while
another day goes down the drain.

It's freezing out here, and I want my
jacket.

Well, where is it?

It's in there.

Well, that wasn't a very smart move,
that was it.

Just let me in.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Man, only to go up two days, and already
you changed the locks?

Well, your father's down in Florida, and
God knows who you gave keys to.

You remember that little incident with
Oswald and Lewis?

They marched right in, and I was wearing
only what God gave me.

First of all, they didn't know you're
gonna be in here. Second of all, there

were only eight.

And third of all, I don't know what God
gave you, but it gave Louis weird dreams

for the next three weeks.

Anyway, I just came by to make sure
you're okay and pick up the rest of my

stuff. I'm still trying to make Oswald
and Louis' place feel a little bit more

like home.

Jeez, it's like a shell game trying to
find my toaster.

Well, we're starting to move in, trying
to make the place our own again.

Not that you didn't do lovely things
with it. Have you any idea when you guys

are gonna be, you know, Getting out of
here and going back to Florida? I hate

see you stuck here in this drafty old
house.

Oh, Drew, I don't care if it takes us 30
years to get back on our feet. You

won't hear one word of complaint about
this house.

30 years?

In a row?

Let's see, I'm 30 something.

That means I'll be 65.

Boy, you know, I can't believe you want
to stay up here. It's a lot safer down

in Florida.

Yeah, I mean, make sure the windows are
always locked. We've had a lot of break

-ins. Neighborhood's changed in the last
couple of years. Oh, my.

Yeah, but if you have any problems, you
know, just go next door. Someone's

always up because it's a crack house
now.

Well, whatever you do, don't call the
people on the other side.

Well, you know, unless you want a lady
of the evening.

Good Lord, I had no idea.

Well, I think it's time that we took
back the neighborhood.

Well, Mom, I don't really think it's
necessary.

We're not...

Actually, I don't think they'll be that
big of a problem. They're posing as a

nice minister, his wife, and their three
adopted Vietnamese kids.

And whatever you do, don't yell at the
ladies in the evening. They want

everybody to think they're a nice
Catholic family with six daughters.

Well, they're still whores! And paint
your fence, you filthy...

Hey, Drew, you decent?

Just a minute.

Okay.

Okay, come on in. Okay.

Here's some towels. Just throw them on
the floor when you're done.

Oh, I get it. Then you step on them and
wipe up the floor.

That's why you don't have a mop or a
girlfriend or visitors.

Actually, it's a little game we play.

Ignore the growing pile of laundry for
as long as you can stand it.

Five -time champion.

Hey, man.

Can't thank you enough for letting me
stay with you guys. Man, we can't thank

you enough for wearing pants.

Hey. On the way home, I picked up some
of those little frozen pizza things you

went with. Oh, well, where are you going
to cook them?

I was thinking about the oven. That
thing? It's basically just a big gas

with a door.

Oh, man.

How can you sleep with a leaky gas oven?
Oh, sleeping's easy. It's waking up

that's the problem.

Well, just, you know, take a hot shower
then, I guess. Oh, where are you going

to take a shower?

I'm no good at this game. Just tell me
what's wrong with the shower.

Nothing, just as long as you shower at
the same time the people upstairs are

showering. The good news is the water's
already soapy.

Well, I don't want to sound ungrateful,
but this place sucks.

You know, somebody had a complaint to
your landlord.

Oh, well, we did.

We complained about the oven, and he
said, I'll give you something to

about, and he nailed all our windows
shut.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Drew, you remember Susie from work?

You remember me, don't you, Drew? You
fired me. Hey, I didn't fire you.

I may have danced like hell at the
farewell party, but I did not fire you.

I gotta pee.

Well, it's right in there, but if you
want to flush, you gotta jiggle the

handle. With this.

What the hell are you doing with Susie,
man? She only dates rich guys. Well, she

saw me in the tux and she heard me
talking about how the guys at Drug Club

they had never seen anyone climb the
ladder so fast because, you know, I'm

that work on the roof and all.

Anyway, she got the idea that I was
rich.

Oh, by the way, I don't live here. I own
the building.

But, Lewis, you can't afford the kind of
lifestyle she's used to.

I can if I take on a few extra jobs and
stop paying taxes.

Okay, honey.

I want to go somewhere else to wash my
hands. All righty, then.

We'd better go. The limo's waiting.

Limo? What's wrong with your car?

My car?

Well,

you know how Jags are.

Yeah. You know how Jags are.

So?

So, one of them hit my Porsche.

Bye.

Problem, Kenny?

Yeah, but I've been sleeping on the
couch all week and my back is killing

Oh, I learned a bit about spinal
adjustment in the Royal Army. You do

spine in there, don't you, Kenny?

If you want me to, sir.

Close your hands in front of your chest.

You know what you're doing, sir? Well,
we're about to find out, aren't we?

Wow!

Hey, I feel much better. You're right,
it worked.

That's because your spine isn't perfect
aligned.

Unfortunately, cleaning and jerking your
bulk from this planet has thrown mine

into a shambles.

Would you mind?

Auditioning a fourth roommate?

Nice work, Kitty. You can be in my
queen's army any day.

So big, how's life in the new barn?

You think I like sharing an apartment?
Well, I don't. At least it's nice to

friends you can count on.

You know what it's like to need a
friend, don't you? You know, someone to

the parasites off your back.

Oh, ha ha. Oh, that's so funny, Drew.

Oh, I'm going to go home and laugh at
that by myself in my own apartment while

you're jockeying for position around the
bowl.

May I help you?

Yeah, Drew Carey called about one of my
rental units, Louis Koninsky and Oswald

Harvey. Well, well, well.

You must be their landlord, Mr. Tinsley.

Thanks for coming on by.

Well, you tend to respond quickly when
somebody says they have compromising

pictures. Let's see them.

Oh, my God.

This is sick.

That's right. That's the bathroom.

That's the tub.

That's the sink, and that's the kitchen
floor.

I don't remember there being carpeting
on the kitchen floor.

Those are ants!

You dragged me down here for this.

I had to do something. You won't return
my calls. Nothing worse than that

apartment. It's a death trap.

I'll have you know that death trap is
walking distance to shopping and three

churches and two nudie parlors, and who
the hell are you?

Well, let's just say I'm a friend.

You know how many things are wrong in
that apartment? You know you can't

more than three appliances at one time?

So, what are you, running a
methamphetamine lab in there, or what?

No, I was just trying to open a can of
tuna, have coffee, and have a ton all at

the same time.

Hey, no parties.

Let me tell you something, Tinsley, this
isn't going to go away.

You know, we're taking you to court,
because there's no way we're going to

living in conditions like that.

Wait a minute.

You're living there?

Yeah, call that living.

But your name's not on the lease, so
you're illegally occupying that

Well, I'm not enjoying it.

Oh, you're absolutely right, Mr. Carey.

Nobody should have to occupy an
apartment like that.

What's that little smile supposed to
mean?

Oh, no.

Drew huffed and he puffed and he blew
our lease down.

That's why the House of Smells hires
people like me to call you, so you can

money by buying knockoffs of your
favorite perfume.

For Obsession, we have Preoccupied.

For Charlie, we have Chuck. And for
Opium, why not try our Smack?

Lewis, get off the phone. You've been
tying it up all night.

Would you hold on? I get the sucker
hooked.

Oops. Hello?

Sucker, hello? Oh, that's great. She
hung up. Lewis, it's after midnight.

Not in Australia.

You're going to have to pay for that
phone bill, and I want it in dollars,

smack.

Why are you selling this crap over the
phone?

What does Susie want you to buy her now?

She doesn't want anything.

Does it bother you that for once I'm
happy?

Louis, what's in your mouth?

Nothing.

Show me what's in your mouth. Nothing in
my mouth. Show me what's in your mouth.

There's nothing in my mouth. Show me
what's in your mouth.

Oh, my God, he got braces.

Susie made him get braces.

Braces.

Little packets of rubber bands
everywhere.

Now it's so obvious.

Hey, Kate.

If you don't mind, I used some of your
roll -on deodorant.

You did what?

Made for a woman, but I like it too.

Fine, keep it.

Just add it to Lewis's phone bill and
Oswald's brand new can of contraceptive

foam.

I don't care what it is. It shaves
clean.

Hey, guys, if we're going to live
together, especially for a long, long

we're going to have to learn to get
along.

And, you know, once we get our... No,
no, no, hold it.

I love you guys. A little less than I
did eight hours ago, but I love you.

But I got to tell you, you're here for a
couple nights and that's it.

And, Oswald, I'm almost afraid to ask
this, but why do you

smell like a fresh summer's day?

Add it to my bill. Oh, right.

Hey,

hey, hey, Kate, what if I give you a
free bottle of perfume and a

to Psychology Today?

Look, it's nobody's fault.

It's not Drew's fault that he couldn't
stand up to his parents.

He didn't ask to be weak -willed.

And yet, oddly enough, he did stand up
to our landlord.

But it's not his fault that he got us
kicked out of our apartment any more

it's his fault that we're crowded into
your little apartment sleeping on the

floor like vagrants at an all -night
ATM.

All right, all right, it's my fault.

You know, when my parents showed up, I
couldn't turn them away.

You know what?

When I was younger, I promised my mom
and dad I'd buy them a castle, you know,

when I grew up.

I'll go see my mom first thing in the
morning, and I'll straighten this whole

thing out.

All right.

Until then.

Let's have a good night's sleep.

And let's keep in mind that it's not
easy for four adults to live together.

let's be respectful of everyone's space.

Okay. Just have a good night, everybody.

Good night.

Good night.

Hey,

as soon as she's asleep, I got the pail
of warm water all ready.

Her bra's already in the freezer.

The saran wrap's already on the toilet.

It is?

Look at all these cruises.

Vienna, Paris, Lisbon, Rome.

How much sex do we have to have before I
can go to Rome?

Sounds really pricey, but looks really
romantic.

Yeah, maybe you can get a job on the
ship. Then we could both go.

All right.

That's it.

You know, I'm only a chump for so long,
you know? Sure, you may be pretty and

smart and sophisticated, but maybe
that's not what I'm looking for. Let me

you what holds up.

Simple, plain, and cheap.

Yeah. Now, the girl I want may not be
the most beautiful girl in the room, but

when she smiles at me with those crooked
teeth and gazes at me longingly with

those not -quite -blue -enough eyes,
I'll know she's leaving with me, because

the bartender's closing up the place and
says she can't sleep there.

Are you done?

No. No, we're done. I'm tired of waiting
on you hand and foot, and if I have

nothing else left, at least I still have
my dignity.

Now, you want to hear the specials
again, or are you ready to run?

Mimi, I appreciate you getting me
involved, but I just don't want to sell

Mae cosmetics anymore.

It's greasy and it smells weird. It
makes your skin a funny color. It's

and it looks bad when you put it on.

Oh, you think it's that easy, do you,
huh?

Do you know who Sally Mae is?

She's a 52 -year -old Polish guy from
Baltimore who got kicked out of the mob

for holding that kiss of death just a
little bit too long.

Is this a threat, young lady?

Because I live between a brothel and a
crack house.

I'm coming.

Hey, Mom.

Mimi. What are you doing here?

She just had dinner, and she's leaving.

You had dinner?

What'd you have?

Oh, your mom made macaroni and cheese.

With real cheese?

No. Oh, man, that's my favorite.

Don't forget your case.

Okay. Fine.

I can get another salesperson in a
minute. I was just doing you a favor.

You don't need money. I know, because
Drew will take care of you.

Oh, yeah.

He's a real mover and a shaker.

At least he shakes when he moves.

I'm sorry you had to hear that.

That's okay.

I was on the sidewalk. She's got lousy
balance.

There she goes again.

Oh, we're bad.

Mom, have a seat.

Yes, dear.

I have got great news.

Oswald and Lewis got kicked out of their
apartment, and because of that, you're

going to Florida.

Slow down, Drew.

It'll make everybody happy. I get my
house back, and I'll pitch in a little

extra so you and Dad can get a nice
little apartment down in Florida.

Florida? Sure.

You hate the winters up here.

That's why you moved down there.

All that cold and that ice, that's not
good for you guys.

Yes, but we could be killed by a
hurricane in Florida.

Yeah, well, a hurricane's not so bad.

You're lifted up into the sky.

You know, like drawn up into heaven.
It's like a ballet.

Well, to tell you the truth, we do, Miss
Florida, and our friends.

But you can't afford to put us up in an
apartment down there, dear. Sure I

could. I could take a second job.

Hey, put on a pair of suspenders and
give the big boy a break.

No, we can't let you make that
sacrifice.

We'll move out.

Your Aunt Gertie says we can live in the
guest house on her estate.

But Aunt Gerda lives in a nursing home.

I know, but wasn't that sweet?

So you're not going to move?

Well, I don't see how we can.

All right.

I'm going to go back to Kate's and spend
another night on the floor.

It's not so bad, though. Last night we
made Kate with her bed and we made

flashlight circles on the ceiling.

Oh, I almost forgot. Here's your mail.

You got something from your bank down in
Florida.

Oh, yes. This is probably our Silver
Eagle Club statement.

Silver Eagle Club, what's that?

Well, it's just a little hedge against
inflation. Your father and I bought some

gold. Was it a couple of cougar ads or
something? Oh, I don't know what it's up

to. Oh, it's down.

$130 ,000?

Well, we're probably just riding out of
market recovery.

$130 ,000?

It's for our old age.

But this is our nest egg.

Our rainy day money.

Mom, it is...

save up all the money? Is that the money
you save for not using real cheese?

You know, you and Dad could take some of
that money and put a nice down payment

on the house. No, I don't know, Drew.

You're a silver eagle, baby!

Spread your wings and fly!

Well, I don't know.

Well, I guess we still have our
Microsoft stock.

Microsoft?

And you got me sock slippers for
Christmas.

All right, Drew.

We'll start looking for a nice little
place in Florida.

Oh, thanks, Mom. That means a lot.

Still wish I could have bought you that
castle.

Oh, with a son like you, who needs a
castle?

Oh, and by the way, I called the police
about those crackheads next door. They

stuck by that minister's story to the
end.

Oh, jeez. And would you know it, all
those whores next door came out in his

defense.

Well, I guess I won't be going to the
youngest horse confirmation.

Well, look who's here.

I didn't recognize you without your
dress up around your neck.

I hear there's a new store manager.

I got Jeb's runt.

Excuse me, Mimi. Back in your office. I
can handle this.

You must be Mr.

Wick. I'm here to intercourse.

I mean interview for the job. I mean
intercourse.

Excuse me, young woman. This is a place
of business.

We can't get a drink here. Come on,
let's go.

Well,

I don't know. She just fell.

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