Original subtitles

Right there.

There you go.

Good. There you go.

Can I open my eyes now? No, not yet. See, we just wanted to do something

for you for getting us those jobs at the store over the holidays. Yeah.

Anyway, we pulled our money together and we got you something really special. A

big screen.

Wow, you got me a big screen TV?

No, it's a big screen.

See ya.

See, you put it in front of the TV and it magnifies everything.

See?

Then you got yourself a big screen TV.

What is that, a pterodactyl attack in the Ponderosa?

Actually, it's just a fly on the screen. There you go.

Are you guys watching the hurricane?

No, Lewis just spits when he talks and now it's magnified 2 ,000 times.

Well, turn on the news. There's a big hurricane in Florida. It sounded like it

was close to your parents' place.

What? Oh, my God.

Wow, look at the roofs blowing off those houses. The furniture's flying

everywhere. Wow, that's closer to the neighborhood. I hope they're not home.

You ever going to put salt on that sidewalk, Drew? You're going to wait

your mom breaks her hip.

Didn't say send them here.

Glad you're okay. I thought you were trapped in the hurricane.

What hurricane?

Hurricane Jack A. Is that right for your neighborhood?

Really? What? We've been on the road for a week. We drove up here because we've

had some big problems.

We lost the house to the bank. You lost the house? Come on, Jack A. Blow the

crap out of that house.

What happened?

Well, we fell behind on the payments and defaulted. Yeah, it was a little

financial miscalculation.

With the way I eat and your mom drives, we figure we'd be dead by now.

Well, that's great. You taught me how to eat and you taught me how to drive.

default and lose a house for no reason?

Something happened you don't want to tell me.

Well, it could have happened to anybody.

How could you think that Disney would actually build a theme park called

Gatorville in the middle of a swamp?

Are we going to go over all this again? The man on the phone said the land would

be worth a hundred times more than we paid for it in just one week.

Oh, no.

A Florida land scam? How much did you invest?

Maybe it'd be easier just to show you how much we got left.

What? That really burns me out, taking advantage of honest people like that. If

you want, I'll hook you up with a lawyer I know. He'll only take 80 % of the

settlement.

Thank you, Oswald.

Oh, you are just as handsome as ever. I can't believe that you're still single.

Well, whatever I'm doing, it's working.

Did you get that picture of that cute bachelor I sent you?

Yes, I did, but unfortunately, JFK Jr. just got married.

But he's a Kennedy. It doesn't matter.

So why don't you guys call me when this first happened?

Well, I tried to call you, but your father won't let me use the telephone.

your last call cost us $75 ,000.

$75 ,000?

All my life I had to beg for 50 cents to get ice cream, some stranger called

you, you give him $75 ,000?

He was really good.

What are you going to do now?

We filed a class action suit.

In a couple of weeks when that's settled, we'll be out of your hair.

Now, who wants a salami omelet?

Dad, I don't have any salami.

Well, then go on down to the butcher shop and get some.

Dad, there hasn't been a butcher shop around here in ages.

You see, Back in the 50s, they decided to put all the food groups under one

and call it a supermarket.

All right, Mr.

Wiseass. Then go on down to the supermarket and get us some salami.

I'm going to soak every inch of my body hurts 12 hours sitting in that damn

Winnebago. So how's the old war horse holding up?

Well, why not? You're a man.

Still salutes, but there just aren't as many parades anymore.

Actually, I was talking about your Winnebago.

Oh.

Still solid as a rock and can speed through tunnels.

What are we talking about now?

make cosmetics, we feel that beauty is only skin deep.

But luckily you can build many layers on top of it.

Excuse me.

Look, honey.

Oh, I can see it's an emergency, but you're just going to have to wait your

turn.

No, I'm looking for Drew Carey's office.

Oh, he doesn't have an office. He just has a cubicle, no matter what he told

in the bar.

Oh, I'm his mother.

Oh, his mother, huh?

Well, anyone that would find a piglet by the side of the road and raise it as

their own, you're good people.

You must be Mimi. He told you about me?

He told me how you tease him, which usually means that you have a crush on

I do have a crush on him, but we both know how hopeless it is, me being a

and all.

What are you doing here?

I brought you lunch. Oh, by the way, I owe you ten bucks. She tried the gay

angle.

You didn't have to do this.

Wow.

Two fried bologna sandwiches, two Twinkies, a ho -ho, and a carrot.

I want to make sure you're eating right.

Oh, with a heroin addict? Yeah.

So you come down here to do some shopping? No, I came down for a job

What? I need to work. Your father and I need the money.

But I can't interview you. Why not?

Because.

Because.

If none of the other personnel managers' moms make them interview them.

Mr. Wick, this is my mother, Beulah. Could you please explain to her why I

interview her for a job?

Well, why can't you?

Well, because there's conflict of interest, there's nepotism. Besides, we

need anybody right now.

So, she gives you life and you can't even give her five minutes of your time.

Well, my own mother is coming into town this weekend, and I'm going to treasure

every moment of it.

And if I've got to suffer, so have you.

Enjoy the interview.

All right, but this is going to be a real job interview.

I want to crack about my posture, and you're back pounding the pavement.

Yes, Steve.

So, Mrs.

Carey, when was your last job?

I was a receptionist at this radio station downtown, WJW.

WJW. And who was your boss there?

Alan Freed.

Alan Freed.

The first guy to play rock music on the radio?

That's him.

He used to play the music so loud, I would have to call him and say, Will you

turn that music down? You're making everything rock and roll up here.

Wow, that's amazing.

Is there any other jobs I should know about?

Well, after that, I went to work for NASA.

That didn't last very long.

I was having trouble with my stapler, and I said, you can't make a stapler

works, but you can send a man to the moon.

And they said, we can't send a man to the moon. I said, well, you should.

And then they all got mad at me for talking that way in front of Senator

Kennedy.

Mom, you're Florence Dump.

All right, so what department do you want to work in?

I'd like to work in the toddler department.

Well, do you have any experience in that area?

I raised you.

She raised me.

Okay, now I have to ask everybody this question.

Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

No. I'm your mother.

So that would be a no.

It wasn't my fault.

I was walking by the river. I was a smoker in those days.

It used to be that water would put out a cigarette.

Oh, my God, you set the Cuyahoga River on fire?

No, I made that one up.

Put down good sense of humor.

So what do you think my chances are, Mr.

Carey? Well, I don't know. How quickly do you need a job?

Well, if we're going to be settling back in with you at least, we want to pay

our share of the mortgage.

Settling back in?

Oh, you mean until you win the class action suit?

We lost the class action suit. They found gators in the swamp, so

is Gatorville.

All right, then. I guess I'll just file this away, and I'll see you and Dad

tonight. Well, thank you, dear.

I want to kiss you goodbye, but that wouldn't be professional.

Oh, great.

I'll be a single guy living at home with his parents.

All I need now is to dust off the old ham radio, start collecting tropical

I'll be the biggest loser in the world.

Okay, post is clear.

If we're quiet, we can sneak up to my bedroom.

At least we can talk up there and no one will bother us. You know, it's been

years since I had a date with a guy who still lived with his parents.

Yeah, I don't live with them, they live with me.

I did a little money trouble, I had to take him in.

But on the bright side, you're dating a swamp tycoon.

Oh, don't tell me this must be Lisa.

No, Mom, this is Robin.

Lisa and I broke up three months ago.

Oh, that's right. You couldn't commit.

Okay, if you'll excuse us, Mom, we're going up to my bedroom to study.

Just do whatever you want, honey. This is your house, too. You won't even know

your father and I are here.

Nice room, Beeb.

I take it you don't get lucky a lot.

I can't believe this. They took all the furniture from the attic and made my

room look like it did when I was 12.

Surprise, Drew!

Thank you, Mom.

Hey, how come the lips are worn off this Farrah Fawcett poster?

It came that way. Look, uh... Maybe we should just forget about it and go

home. Actually, Kind of exciting. I mean, your parents in the next room.

It's kind of like being in high school.

You know what I mean?

What the hell was his name?

Sparky. No, Spunky.

Sparkles? Sally.

Sammy.

Susie? Did I say...

We're just like the Waltons.

Shut up, Mom! Shut up, Dad!

What?

Nothing!

What?

Nothing! Never mind!

What?

I'm coming up!

If I get grounded, I'll meet you in the parking lot.

inventory. What's your excuse?

I'm ironing the creases out of my jeans that my mother put in so I don't get

beat up at the Warsaw.

Oh, come on. Those guys were just calling you pretty jeans. They were

I can't believe that you're living in the store.

I'm not living here. I'm just spending a little more time here.

Hey, it's dinner time.

Drew, when can I tell you this is really sad?

Right after I take my sponge bath in the drinking fountain.

I went by your house to look for you and your mom said you forgot your afternoon

snack.

It's a deep fried pepperoni nugget hoagie on pizza bread.

You see, this is why I'm here.

My mom's always in the kitchen cooking and my dad's always in the bathroom.

It's like they got their own little system of supply and demand going on.

Drew, if they're driving you crazy, maybe it's time to ask them to leave.

I could never live with my mother again. No smoking, no drinking, no bringing

strange men home. She wouldn't follow any of my rules.

So what are you going to do?

I can't keep doing this.

This morning there were five strange shirts here waiting to be ironed.

You know, I'm not trying to run away from the problem, but I feel guilty I

want my own folks in my own house anymore.

I just want my privacy back. Does that make me a bad son?

No, Drew, you're not a bad son.

You were a bad son when you streaked our high school graduation.

Actually, that was pretty much bad for everyone.

Boy, did they lay the guilt on me after that.

Well, you can't be the valedictorian. I guess that's something.

They are always good at guilt.

I feel bad I even just said that.

Hey, wait a second.

The answer's right in front of me. I've been training for this my whole life.

There's only one thing my parents understand.

Hot pepper suppositories?

Guilt. But their guilt is old and tired.

Mine is young and strong.

We'll see who reaches for the comfort foods tomorrow.

Yeah.

Evening, Kerry.

Mr. Wick, what are you still doing here?

Well, Mother Wick arrived and I wasn't really in a hurry to get home.

Oh, you bid the shirts.

See what you can do with these trousers.

Come on, Mom.

I know everything smells better when it's hung out in the line, but not in

January.

Mom?

Dad?

Oh, no. I wished him into the cornfield.

My name is Mimi, and I'm your Sally Mae representative.

Oh, no. I need a weapon.

Where's my underwear?

This, ladies, is your cosmetic case.

You live with it. It's your best friend.

Sleep with it. Eat with it. Make love to it.

Because someday, it's going to save your life.

Isn't this exciting? Mimi's found me a new career.

It's my pleasure, Mrs. Carey.

You know, things are moving kind of slow.

I think it's time to introduce our silent partner, Mr. Jack Daniels.

Just a little bit in everybody's coffee.

Golly, I am learning so much about business.

You know, if we're going to be here for a while, I'd invite some of my Navy

buddies over so we can, you know, sit around, scratch, watch a ball game.

Really? Yeah. What a coincidence. Those are my plans. Look, we need to talk.

finding me a job from now when I'm working out of the house.

Oh, so we'll be having more of these parties?

And Mimi will be hanging out here.

And I can make a wind chime out of my underwear.

Life is good.

You got something on your mind, son?

Yeah. Yes. Yes, I do. Look.

I was hoping we could make living together work, and I really love you

but... Oh.

I'm not going to worry you with my problems.

I said, oh, I don't want to worry you with my problems.

What problems, Drew?

Well, you guys are wonderful to me, and you sold me this terrific house.

Some people say I paid too much for it. The appraiser for one, but...

I've always been happy here in my house.

I mean, what used to be my house.

But I don't want to burden you with my problems.

Oh, jeez, I didn't know it was that bad. What the hell were we thinking? We'll

move out, son.

Really?

Of course.

Don't you worry about us.

We'll find a place.

And till we do, we'll just drive around Cleveland.

But, George, it's awfully cold out.

The boy wants his house, Beulah.

Uh -oh, they got the ball.

Oh, honey, you're right. We'll be fine. We always get by.

Do you think we can get prescriptions without an address?

You know, that's the second saddest thing I've ever heard.

The saddest is, how am I going to find a place that will take my dog, Speedy, my

handicap dog?

Can you watch it for me? I know he's not much of a dog, but he's got a big

heart.

He's all I've got.

That's just what we said to the banker when we lost our house.

And our dignity.

Oh, come on.

Try and be strong.

We still have to dig out to Winnebago.

Stop, stop.

Look. I can't. I'm the one that's being selfish.

I want you to have the house. Here's the keys. I'm a bad son. I'm sorry about

the speaking to.

I can't take it anymore.

Oh, you're not a bad son.

You're the most wonderful son in the world.

Thanks, Mom.

Dad.

I can't believe somebody called you guys.

Whole guilt thing didn't work, huh?

Yeah, but don't you worry about me.

Look, I'm not trying to intrude or anything, but can I leave my bags here?

It gets kind of crowded sleeping in the car.

All right.

Yes, you are.

Get in here. We'll

spray down the couch for you.