Original subtitles

Well, you guys are the best Christmas elves Winfrey Loud ever had, but I can't

afford to pay you more than ten bucks an hour this year.

It's fifteen dollars or we walk.

I'm trying to be fair here. I mean, who got you guys benefits? Who got you off

-season work? And here you are, trying to cut me off at the knees.

I didn't mean it that way, and you know it.

Yeah, I know it, Drew, and I'm sure that management's not just trying to get

fat. Oh, and I didn't mean it that way.

Look, how about 11 bucks an hour? But you have to know that means I'm screwing

over the Easter Bunny.

Yeah, like he brings in the kids.

Wow, 11 bucks an hour. We'll do it for that. The job description says elf.

Hold on, there's no problem here. My friends aren't competing for your jobs.

mean, look at them.

Now you're just being a hatist.

That's me.

Okay, guys, we got it. Let's go.

Hey, wait a minute. Where are you going?

I told Sax to call if they'd meet a price of 15 an hour.

And I'm hoping they'll pay us under the table.

Don't look so tall, huh, Drew?

I need somebody right away.

We could use the extra Christmas cash. What do you say?

Oh, are you serious?

Okay, I got the jobs. Hey!

Just one catch.

Whoa.

Looks like we're going to be sexy elves.

imaginative ways i've fired people the price is right here fired is pretty

who could ever forget that famous half -time show you put up together called

six new house taking two four six eight who'll be living off the state issue

better days carry a better days

i haven't told anyone this one i went to fire hutchinson this morning and i

just didn't have the old stuff meaning fire

I fired him all right, but... But afterwards, I didn't run over to the

and enjoy the inevitable temper tantrum in the parking lot.

I just sat there, cradling my water balloon, thinking, what's the point?

Well, it's funny you should bring that up now, sir, because I've come up with a

system for downsizing that's less random and more humane. See, here's what we

do. We take the employee's number of days missed, multiplied by the number of

days late, divided by seniority, plus the number of customer complaints.

Okay. Use your formula to reduce the workforce by 3%, or it's back to the...

finger of fate.

Can we factor in stupid glasses and see who that knocks out?

Why, Burbeck, sometimes you're just plain evil.

Why, thank you, sir.

Here's a question I don't want an answer to.

Were you just flirting with him?

Fight me, giant drummer boy.

Here's your invitation to the office Christmas party.

Thanks. Who are you bringing?

I'll pause here for your dignity.

Don't worry about me. I got my eye on somebody.

Who's your date?

Putting a skirt on your dog?

You know, you really know how to hurt a guy, Mimi.

You know, you're tapping into a lot of pain and vulnerability here.

Yeah.

I'm not setting you up.

I'm all alone for the holidays.

It's really bringing me down.

Oh, knock it off.

Nobody's believing you.

Goes the weasel.

Hey, good looking.

Hey, Drew.

Actually, I was talking to the cake.

Congratulations, Lisa.

Hard to believe she's getting married, huh?

I guess some couples are just meant to be, I guess.

Wow. Drew, I'm really proud of you. I mean, throwing Lisa a wedding shower,

God's sake, that's really classy.

Well, I'm glad she's getting married. I mean, she's no spring chicken anymore.

What is she, 70?

Drew, who are we talking about?

Lisa, in appliances.

No, the person that's getting married is Lisa. Lisa, your ex -girlfriend.

My Lisa?

Oh, my God, Drew. I thought you knew.

You're not still attached to her, are you?

No, I'm not attached to my Lisa at all.

Oh, man.

Just kidding. out of here.

I'll handle this.

I'm sure you could use a friend right now.

Drew, leave the cake.

Lisa, there you are.

Congratulations. Oh, thanks. Come here, Drew.

Listen, I just want to tell you, I'm really touched.

You know, if the tables were turned and you were getting married, I don't know

if I could be so cool about it, and here you are throwing me and Trent a party.

Trent? You marry a Trent in men's furnishings?

That's what I said when I first heard about it.

Here I am still saying it.

Hey, let's open my gifts.

Oh, look, you guys, this one's from Charlie. I think I got you the wrong

Let me just take that back. Don't be silly. You know my size.

Though things may be sagging and your sex drive is lagging, I'll still be

bragging what a hot number you were.

Come on, I wouldn't be that insensitive.

Got it for her.

I can't believe Lisa's getting married only three months after we broke up.

Buddy, take it from me. The best thing to do is just to wish her well and move

on. Hey, guys.

You guys look worn out.

That damn Santa's been riding us all day.

Look for you.

Who is it?

Santa.

How did he know we'd be at your house?

He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake.

Hello? Yes, Santa.

No, Santa.

Sorry, Santa.

What is it? That was Santa's one phone call. Apparently he woke up in the

parking lot of the Capri Lounge in a bad way.

He wants us to bail him out? Yeah, yeah. But the good news is we might see

ourselves on cops. Oh, yeah.

Good move, Vick. You're here.

I need you to distribute the Christmas bonuses.

Oh, sure.

A tree will be planted in your name for the Tree Foundation.

Where do all those trees go, anyway?

Oh, pretty much around my house. I'm landscaping.

So, Mr.

Wick, are you excited about the Winford Ladder Christmas party?

Sadly, I don't have a date.

You know, I just had a crazy thought.

If you're not doing anything... Yes?

That'd be my gardener. We'll talk later.

Damn.

I was so close. He was going to ask me to the party. I just know it.

Oh, I'm tingling all over.

Oh, holy night.

What was I looking for? Oh, yeah. A place to throw up.

program through the computer, and the first two lucky firees are on their way

up. You sent both guys up at once? I can't fire two people at the same time.

It's going to be horrible.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, what was I looking for? Oh, yeah, a way to screw you.

Hey, Drew.

Oh, hi, Stan.

Listen, I have a seat. I just got to tell somebody to wait in the lobby. Take

your time. I was just smoking in the lounge anyway.

Yeah, I know. It's against the rules.

Hey, my formula works.

Hey, Drew.

There's my Lisa's fiance. What are you doing up here? Well, Mimi said you

to see me.

Hey, listen, by the way, thank you for the wedding gift. For an ex -boyfriend,

you are really cool.

Oh, hey, Stan.

What, Drew called you up here too, huh? Uh -huh.

Are we employees of the month?

Actually, Trent, I called you up here to tell you what a great job you're doing.

Keep up the good work. Oh, cool.

I'd like to stick around and chat, but I think I might have left my register

open. Hey, while you're down here, would you close mine, too? Yeah, sure, Stan.

See you later, Joe.

Thanks.

Oh, man.

So, Stan, I thought you were wondering why I called you up here.

All right.

I know a guy who can get you some stuff, but you've got to pay up front.

First, let me thank you for making this moment so much easier.

How'd you like to stay home and smoke all day long? Oh, man, I would love

Well, Merry Christmas. Thanks.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Look, Santa, we're bringing the kids in and out as fast as we can. You kick me

in the ass one more time, and I quit.

Hey, look, for 11 months out of the year, I'm just a fat old man. But for

month, I'm king. This is my time. Now bring in another kid, and this time, no

wet ones.

Next kid that cuts the cheese on Santa gets five bucks. Pass it on.

Hey, Elfie. We're right here.

Hey, don't take a picture of me doing that. I could lose my job getting him

around. Give me that.

Now I got proof here that Santa's a jackass. Okay, come on, guys. Stand

Santa's nose looks like a road map.

Break it up. Break it up.

Geez, I didn't know Santa's village needed a bouncer.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, oh, Lisa, am I glad to see you. Come on, we need to talk.

Okay, but first let me thank you.

Trent said you told him what a great job he's doing. You didn't have to do that.

You know, the one thing you never failed to do surprised me.

Well, here we go again.

I called him up to fire him.

What?

Hold on, let me explain. See, I came up with this totally objective formula to

determine which employees deserve to be fired. Oh, sure, and somehow

coincidentally it pointed to the man that I'm going to marry?

No, the coincidence is you're about to marry one of the two guys who sucks at

his job.

You're jealous!

I am not.

Fine, if you're not jealous, then sit down with him and tell him what he needs

to do to save this job.

Okay, I'll talk to him, but this is not about jealousy.

You know, I haven't exactly been sitting at home since we broke up.

I got dumped by a married woman, I had a couple of uncomfortable dates, and

there are several very attractive women who, in a moment of weakness or after

just the right number of drinks, might possibly consider going out with me. So

don't you feel sorry for true care?

Drew, I need some petty cash for Santa. He wants a bucket of chicken, a carton

of smokes, and some medicine from Al's Liquor.

I'm not buying Santa booze.

Come on, Drew. You can fire him tomorrow. Right now, the guy's in a bad

Santa's starting to leave Las Vegas, if you know what I mean.

All right. Buy him a small bottle of peppermint schnapps.

His breath will smell like he's been eating candy canes. I hope you're

on bathing him in it, too, because his breath is just the tip of the iceberg.

You know, woman to woman.

I tie my breaks that way.

Well, maybe I deserve that.

But I don't have that many women friends, so if you could just grow up

of put some of the things I've said about you aside. I need some advice.

What's up?

Well, you know how men are naturally attracted to me? Yeah.

Well, there's this one guy who's having a hard time working up the nerve to tell

me.

Who is it?

Look, I'm going to tell you, Miss Easy Pants Romance.

All right. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

If you could just, you know, put that aside, too.

Fine.

Well, there's nothing wrong with the woman making the first move. Tell him

you're not into playing games. It's just I like you and I want to go out. What

do you say?

Well, that was worth it. I was looking for a special...

ask you something. I need to ask you something.

It's about the Christmas party.

As you know, I'm somewhat shy.

Well, you know what they say about the shy ones.

No, what do they say?

Good Lord!

Let me get to the point, Mimi.

There are quite a few ladies that I'd like to ask out, but I've never been

good at it, so...

Here's a list of 25 ladies. I'm too shy to call.

You want me to call these women and invite them to the Christmas party for

Oh.

Well, boy, that's a lot to ask. But you're a nice guy, so sure.

I'll do it.

You're a good soldier.

Carry on.

Mr. Nigel Wick, have you been itching in any sensitive areas lately?

No?

Oh, well, that's all he wanted to know.

Good luck.

Bye -bye.

Hey, Drew.

Oh, man, I feel so bad about Stan.

Here I was gloating, and he's about to get the axe.

Well, they never see it coming, do they?

So, what's up?

I gotta tell you, Trent, you're not doing so well.

Well, what do you mean? Yesterday you said I was doing terrific.

Yeah, but I reassessed a few things. The absences, the lateness, leaving your

counter to look at an accident outside.

I know. I know. I've been slacking off a little lately. But, you know, Drew,

this isn't exactly my dream job.

Well, maybe that's your problem. I mean, look at your resume.

All in one year. A paralegal, a gardener, ice sculptor, acupuncturist,

counselor.

You know, things have a better chance of working out if you just decide what you

want before you make a commitment.

You know, you need stability.

You're about to get married.

Yeah, and I'm rushing into that, too.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, Drew, you're right. I'm making the same mistake I always make. What?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I was just talking about work. In your private life, you

should just be as reckless as you want to be. No, no, no, no. Drew, you're on

something here. Hey, you know, I took one of those aptitude tests once. It

I should travel. And what am I doing?

I'm stuck in a do -nothing job about to get married.

Drew, the thing said I had potential.

Oh, potential isn't good. That's what they tell high school kids to make them

work harder when they're really just dummies.

Forget them.

You're getting married. I can't do this, Drew. Sure you can. What are you

worried about? You have a job here.

Let me make it easy for you.

I quit.

Yeah, this is Drew Carey. Can I talk to Lisa, please?

She's in the bridal department.

Oh. Well, at least she hasn't made out her invitations yet.

Oh. Well, at least you didn't put a deposit on her wedding dress.

What?

It's not my fault.

Oh, my God, you look beautiful.

Thanks. What's not your fault?

That you're the sweetest, most understanding, forgiving person in the

world.

Oh, my God, you did it. You fired him.

Drew, do you know how bad this is going to look? You're getting beaten up.

in the middle of the store?

I didn't fire him. If you're going to hit anybody, hit Trent. He's the one

backing out of marrying you.

What?

Hey, better now than at the altar. What the hell did you say to him?

Nothing. We were just talking about how he rushes into things, then all of a

sudden he decided he didn't want to get married.

You are jealous. You just can't let me go, can you?

Oh, you should talk. You're the one that's having a hard time getting over

What? Rushing into a marriage you're not ready for and to a guy who doesn't even

have a job.

What do you mean he doesn't even have a job?

Oh, yeah.

There's something else I forgot to tell you. He quit.

All right, I've heard enough.

Let's go. Where do you want it, face or stomach?

Drew, I have to talk to you.

Hi. Not now.

Drew,

Santa's dead.

What happened? Where is he? He's still on the throne. We put the ropes around

him so the kids can't get in.

We told him Santa's having a little nap with his eyes open because he's always

watching you.

What are you doing? Who's watching Santa? Don't worry. I found a way to

the kids.

Hi.

What are they doing? They're having a staring contest with Santa.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Oh, my God, I heard what happened to you guys. Poor Santa.

And I can't believe his last words were, and to all a good night.

Maybe there's a message here.

You shouldn't be mean and abusive, especially at Christmas time.

Or maybe you should eat just pork and cheese and wash down with a pack of

and a quart full of gin. Yeah.

But I'm still holding my theory that you can eat anything you want as long as

you just walk a little.

Coming!

Hey, I'm walking to the door. Now I can have more chips.

Lisa.

Hi, Drew.

So, where were we? I just ruined your marriage and your life.

So... Okay, stomach, I guess.

I'm not going to hit you. I'm not mad.

Trent told me it wasn't your fault.

Oh, God, am I glad to hear you say that. You know, I don't want to say anything,

but, you know, jumping from job to job, aimlessly walking through life, frankly,

I think he's kind of flaky.

And let's face it, he's no Einstein, so... Drew, he's in the car. We're

Oh, okay.

Stomach again, I guess.

Okay.

Look, he said it wasn't your fault, and he just freaked out a little, but now

we're okay.

Oh, well, that's great. Let me go congratulate him.

No, no, no. Stay away from him.

Right. So where are you going?

We're going to drive up to Niagara, get married, and then take a driving trip

across Canada.

And then Trent's going to take some time off to decide what he wants to do for a

career.

Oh, man, Lo.

That's great. I'm really happy for you.

Thanks.

I should get going.

Oh, wait, I didn't even get you a wedding present.

Um, here.

Why don't you take these? It's cold up there.

Could have missed you.

What?

Hold on, wait a second.

If you don't want your naked pictures back, say, huh.

Huh?

Just kidding.

Take care of yourself.

You got a piece of popcorn.