Original subtitles

Oh, I see you majored in business at Yale.

Warden MBA, three years of Procter & Gamble.

You know, I think you are perfect for the job.

Here's your Santa stomach and your suit.

Might want to wash out the stomach. Congratulations.

I'll keep this on file in case a CEO position opens up.

Ho, ho, ho.

I am done.

Yes, yes, yes. Let me guess. They finally found the hunters who stole your

tusks.

Oh, you think that's funny? The slaughter of an endangered species?

Were you laughing when Buffalo Bill was destroying entire herds? It's different

when it's family, isn't it?

Quite neat, chief rubbing thighs.

If you have to know, I'm happy because for the first time in seven years, I am

done early with all my holiday hiring.

Which means I can have a hassle -free Thanksgiving.

Hey, did you know that on Thanksgiving Day, Domino's delivers in only 15

minutes?

Alone for Thanksgiving, huh?

Can't find anybody to watch you eat this year?

For your information, I have a date.

And just because I'm the kind of guy that likes to slow down at accidents,

are you doing?

Well, like the rest of the world, I'm going to be with my family.

We're going to be talking about the things we're most thankful for.

Last year, mine was, I'm not you.

Drew? Hi, Debbie. Hi.

Who's that?

She fixes the coffee machines.

She's also my Thanksgiving date.

Oh, so this is her.

This is what you left me for.

After I gave you the best six years of my life.

She's kidding. We never went out. Just ignore her.

Oh, well, you can't ignore me. If you could, you wouldn't be knocking on my

every night and begging for it.

Is this true?

Well, of course it's true.

Oh, who am I kidding? Yes, it's all true.

Come on, honey.

Give Daddy some sugar.

Now I know the last thing a pizza sees.

So, Drew, since it's just going to be the two of us for Thanksgiving, you

mind if I come over early, watch the game, do you?

As long as you don't mind me sitting in front of the TV in my underwear.

Well, one more thing to be thankful for.

We're talking boxers, right?

Oh, for company. Sure. Why not?

Get in.

Pick a name out of the hat.

Jones, you're fired.

Doesn't it bother you that you have to do that?

Yes. I long for the day when I can do it. Simply because I want to.

And that day may be coming soon. I've just thought of a brilliant business

A Winford Loud Earth. Thanksgiving Day parade.

Wow, a parade.

Cleveland has another Thanksgiving Day parade in years. That's a great idea.

I want you to organize it. Oh my God, thank you, sir. I can't wait to get

started. You know, next year we're going to have the best Thanksgiving Day

parade ever.

No, this year, Caddy.

Yep, next year is going to be great.

I said this year, Caddy. I heard what you said. I said next year is going to

great because this year is going to suck.

I can't put together a parade in only two weeks.

Well, perhaps you should have told me that before I put out the press release.

You put out a press release? With your picture.

The entire city of Cleveland is depending on you, not to mention the

of this store. If this holiday sale isn't a success, I'll be finding new

firing people.

Look, I don't want anybody else to get fired, and I love a parade.

But unless the crowds want to see me walking up and down Euclid Avenue with

thumb up my butt, this ain't gonna happen.

Save all that for the press conference.

What press conference?

The one you're having in five, four...

Tell Cleveland about your Thanksgiving Day Parade.

All I can say is, I give it a big thumbs up.

Yeah, hello.

I know this is short notice, but I'm calling from Winford Louder, and I need

some giant balloons for a Thanksgiving Day parade.

Have you got anything available?

Oh, really? A world -famous cartoon character?

Well, who the hell is Tommy the Rabbit?

Well, what else you got?

Uh -huh.

A cow and a big spark plug.

Well, I can put a giant Santa hat on the spark plug, but what the hell would I

do with a cow?

No thank you. That's where I keep my thumb.

Coming!

Gotta keep my spirits up. Gotta stay positive.

I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope this is death.

Hi, Drew.

I got your mail.

Wow. That's kind of a big step, getting each other's mail.

Well, an even bigger step. You passed the no weird catalogs test.

Glad you didn't get Friday's mail.

How's the parade going?

Great. It's really coming together. I got a cow, a giant spark plug, and Tommy

the Rabbit.

So the parade's going to be really crappy, huh?

Well, at least I got my permits.

That's the first step in a really successful parade where the city won't

off the streets, so the floats have to travel at the minimum speed of 40 miles

an hour.

Well, hey, here's an idea. Instead of a parade, you can call it a race.

Hey, that's great. Next time we go bowling, we'll call it exercise.

Hi.

Hi. Hey.

Hi. All right, Drew, I will be right back. I'm just going to finish spraying

hunk if you love turkey on your car for the parade.

It's my car. My car's in the shop.

I've got to go.

So, how's the buzzed beer float coming along? You guys are my last hope.

Great, great.

We had a little accident with the glue gun.

Well, give it here. I'll show you how it works. It seems the freezing

weather cuts the drying time down from 20 minutes to pretty much when you touch

it. Yeah.

If I had known that, I wouldn't have tried to scratch my back on the garage

wall. Look at this.

We're doing the best we can, but we're trying to build a float on Moses' van.

Can't we get flatbed trucks like a normal parade? Yeah.

Trucks? Yeah. I got tons of trucks, but see, I keep them in a giant airplane

hangar because I'm jacked!

Hey.

Hey, did you get the Ohio State Marching Band?

No, they're booked.

How about the Shriners?

I love when they drive those cute little cars.

Oh, yeah? Aren't those great?

Couldn't get them.

Look, I appreciate all the stuff you guys are trying to do for me, but let's

face it, I'm screwed.

This isn't going to be a parade. It's going to be a 40 -mile -an -hour piece

crap.

Well, the goodness news is, by the time people realize that they hate it, it'll

be in Akron.

Oh, that Debbie is so polite.

Come on in, sunshine.

Where it is, your parade's marching down Suck Street.

Let me tell you something. This parade may be starting out on Suck Street, but

with a little elbow grease and determination, we're going to push it up

Hill and let it roll down Could Have Been Worse Boulevard.

I got them. And I can make your permit problems disappear.

Ow.

My dad's got his own trucking business.

Does a lot of work for the city.

Oh, a teamster baby. Who would have guessed?

Wait a minute.

You're not doing this out of the kindness of your heart. What do you

Not much. Just one little thing.

Let me guess.

You want me to put on a giant diaper and go as Baby New Year's at the office

Christmas party?

All right.

And I want something else. I want to be the Snow Queen.

Barry, the Snow Queen.

In the parade, moron. I want to be the Snow Queen at the head of the parade on

the main...

Question mark.

Drew,

if you had trucks, you could have people build real floats.

People that know how to use glue guns.

All hail the Snow Queen.

Fairytale? I got a parade.

Hey, you want to know the best part?

Snow Queen just slipped on the ice and fell on her royal ass.

I want to thank everybody for getting up for the break of dawn and helping out

on their Thanksgiving holiday.

The floats look great.

Also, I'm not saying I approve of the legalized marijuana float, but if you

are going to finish it, you've got like an hour.

They're still at breakfast.

Okay, then. Well, let's just get out there and give Cleveland and Whitford

Louder the best damn parade.

Let's just try not to embarrass ourselves, okay?

You've done brilliantly, Kerry.

You may have saved the jobs of hundreds of employees.

All you need now is Grand Marshal Squiggy. Hello.

Oh, my God. You're Squiggy. Well, no. Swiggy is just a character I portray. My

real name is David L. Lander, and I want you to know I really don't want to be

here. Of course you do.

Of course you do. Mr. Lander was kind enough to volunteer. I didn't volunteer

for anything. I'm on a three -hour layover, and you promised you'd take me

the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. This is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. This is

our Buddy Holly display.

Listen, Kerry, I have no idea who he is, but people at the airport seem to be

excited about him.

Look, he's really great, but I promised Mimi she'd be on the head float. She got

all the trucks for us.

It's like this, Kelly.

With Squiggy Lander, we get television coverage. With Mimi, we get thousands of

people twiddling with the color on their TV sets.

Now, do it.

Yes, sir.

Now, Lander, what was that funny thing you used to always say on your TV show?

You think I should call the airport?

Yes, that's it.

I've told the compliments. Just show me to my float.

Mimi, you look great.

Okay, what's wrong?

Why did I just walk past Squiggy?

Mr. Wick made him the Grand Marshal. I'm really sorry.

Why? I'd love to ride on a float with a TV star.

You don't understand.

You can't be on the head float. How about another float? How about the

sausage?

No.

and this dress was designed to match the throne.

Look, I don't have time to stand here and argue with you. I have 30 other

to worry about.

I'll tell you what to worry about. You should worry about the Snow Queen and

five ladies in waiting.

Well, I guess it's time for me to count my blessings.

Okay, I'm done.

You should see it out there, Drew. It may be smaller than the other floats,

our turkey van roars.

The only problem is every time we park it, people keep picking at it.

doing here you're supposed to be downstairs inflating the giant yam why

maybe took all the keys to the truck said the parade is off blamed you and

taught my daughters a new word oh my god where'd she go i don't know when that

outfit comes at you just get out of the way oh i thought you might be interested

the uh tommy the rabbit balloon has a working genitalia so

there weren't any cabs huh

the airport. I couldn't wait an hour and a half to get to Mimi's.

Couldn't wait an hour and a half, huh?

No, when all the other cars were blocked in by floats.

All the other cars were blocked in, huh?

Now, what are you doing?

Trying to keep my face moving before it freezes.

Is there some way we can get in the van?

No. If there was, we could get Lewis out. I can't believe you built a float

right over the doors.

Gobbler, this is Jebless. Come in.

What do you want, Oswald?

Can't you move this bird any faster? We're freezing up here.

No, I can't. The heater's stuck on and I've got sweat in my eyes.

What are we going to do when we get to Mimi's?

We're going to ask her for the keys back.

And she doesn't give them to us. Mr. Wick gave me permission to fire her.

So either way, there's going to be a parade.

Hey, look, there's the teen center. They'll get a kick out of this float.

kids.

Hey, Louis, honk the horn.

soaking warm water, I could lose my hand.

Well, there goes your love life.

Oswald will just have to warm his hands on your autographed picture of Antonio

Banderas. Give me that.

I'm getting drood germs on it.

It doesn't turn into a pig now.

You're not getting the keys.

Something wrong, kitten?

wonderful Drew Carey, Mimi's friend from the store.

Somehow I knew they'd be drunk.

So from everything that my little girl tells me at the store, they're grooming

you two for bigger things.

Did you know that my little princess was third in her class at finishing school?

I would have bet on her to place.

Oh, so here he is.

Don't tell me you're...

Mimi's mom.

Yes. And you'll have to excuse me because I barely had time to put my face

You got somebody's face on.

Oh, I see you've met our other daughter, Gigi.

You want to see my glass...

lewis has a gun on their uh... fine uh -oh uh... that's our code for big

look i'd love to stay and see what's behind the next

curtain i have a little business to take care of and then i have to go all

please please we want to tell you how we're thrilled about meaning being on

head float great you know we can't believe our little girls actually going

on t .v.

about this.

Yeah, I'm sure she told you about the first time she was supposed to be Snow

Queen. Yeah, look, I really gotta go. You know, she was in junior high, and

had promised her the part, then they went and gave it to the principal.

You'll have to excuse me, I don't normally cry.

Yes, you do, but it's alright.

Look, there must be some misunderstanding here, because this

Mimi that you could... Hey, is that a mouse?

Where?

leave us alone for a couple minutes? Oh, sure, kitten.

Now, you two behave out here, huh? No hanky -panky.

There might be some uppy -chucky, but there won't be any hanky -panky.

I can't believe you didn't tell them. I couldn't. You saw them. They lived

through me. This would crush them.

I'm just going to hang around for a couple minutes and then pretend I'm

the parade.

What happens when they turn on the TV and you're not there?

That's why I came home and broke the TV, moron. What do you think? I'm as stupid

as you look?

Look, I don't want to hurt your parents either, but I don't have any choice.

Now, give me the keys.

No way!

Well, fine. We'll just go downtown, tell David Lander to get back on the plane.

We probably won't get any TV coverage.

Winfrey Lowder will go out of business. Hundreds of people will lose their jobs.

Also, spoiled little Mimi can be the Snow Queen.

Okay, let's go.

No!

Look, Mimi, I didn't want to come down to this, but Mr. Wick told me that if

didn't give me the keys, you're fired.

All right.

Here's your stupid keys.

luck in the parade.

Oh, hi Grandpa.

Mimi, I just want you to know that even though this may be my last

Thanksgiving, seeing you as Snow Queen on TV

will make it my best ever.

Everyone, I have something to say.

What is it, dear?

Talk fast.

I'm not going to be on the head float, so I won't be on TV.

What? Oh, no.

That's right.

She won't be on TV unless we leave right away.

What? Yeah, the parade starts any minute.

What's a parade without a snow queen? Well, then go on. Get out of here. Good

luck, honey. Hey, she's on TV.

Hey,

thanks, pig.

I mean, Drew.

It's just good to be out of your apartment.

I'll meet you down at the truck.

Well?

bakery float.

Hey, look, Mimi's on TV.

Maybe I better adjust the color. No, that's fine.

God, something's happening to one of the balloons.

Good Lord, the giant cow balloon is broken loose.

What about the bakery float?

Is the bakery float okay?

Oh, no, it looks like it's going to hit the power lines.

They'll never make it over the store to the power lines. Those things are too

heavy. It'll never happen.

to sit on.