Original subtitles

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Oh, yeah.

Anybody for another yard of beer?

Come on, Drew. If you drink your height, they'd aim a stall after you. No, no

thanks.

I've still got half of mine left.

I've got four inches.

In cold water? Well, that's amazing.

All right, Cleveland State won. Oh, hello.

Hey, we've got to get a cab. We've got to get to my frat party.

A frat party?

Technically, it's not a fraternity. It's just a bunch of guys hanging around at

a Greek restaurant.

But it's across the street from a sorority. Well, technically, it's a home

unwed mothers. You guys want to go?

No. Still got to show the dignity.

Not us. Nope.

She's cute.

Yeah. Uh, who?

The woman that's got you so distracted you miss the other woman checking you

out. Where?

Nowhere!

Talk to her. Okay, okay. I'm just no good at meeting women at bars.

I can't figure out her attention somehow.

Oh, please don't sit at the bar. Please.

Great. Break my line of sight.

Drew, ignore Mimi and go talk to the cute stranger, because if you don't,

regret it the rest of your life.

You don't know that.

Yeah, I do, because I'll do this the rest of your life.

Oh.

You. I want to talk to you.

Were you looking at my girl?

Now, when did you get out of prison? Like an hour ago?

Don't listen to him. The pig's been staring at me since we got here.

Want me to kick his butt, babe?

Would you, pumpkin?

If I ever catch you coming on to my lady again.

You're dead.

Dead.

One of us won't be sleeping alone tonight.

Not one of us won't be sleeping at all.

Here, Tim.

I wasn't going to take it.

My name is Bonnie.

Oh, true.

Sorry, I just got out of a relationship. My radar's been off for a while.

Normally I don't have trouble picking up signals from women, you know, whether

they're real or imagined.

I guess what I'm trying to say... Real. Oh, I knew it.

Tim, another one over here, please.

Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty

me. Are you drunk? It's okay if you are.

When you were sitting with your friends, you seemed like a nice guy. And I said

to myself for once, I'm not going to lie in bed at night thinking, why didn't I

talk to him? He had a cute ass for Cleveland.

Buzz beer, huh?

Yeah, me and my friends brew it in my garage. You've got to come by and see it

sometime. Well, gee, that sounds like fun.

But why would I want to leave a perfectly good bar to see someone's

Well, for one thing, the beer's free.

Okay, so I've saved a dollar. I'm trapped in your garage.

Go on.

Okay, you also get to see the world's oldest unused Soloflex.

Okay, but I can only stay for a few minutes.

Wait, before I do this, is there anyone here who can vouch for you?

Oh, yeah, but they're at a halfway house partying with some unwed mothers.

Moon over, bring my love to me tonight.

Guide her to the one underneath your silvery light.

We're going bowling, so don't lose your insolence.

Moon over Parma tonight.

Wow, quite a setup.

I was expecting a keg and a strobe light.

Hey, I'm not one of those guys that feeds women a lot of bull just to

them. You know, the trouble with these things is they take up so much room, I

have to park my Porsche down the street where you can't see it, baby.

for something like this.

Well, we don't need a permit. We're just a rickety operation.

We don't need a permit.

Every business needs a permit.

Well, I guess when we take off, we'll look into it. But for right now, what

don't know won't hurt them. Besides, all those government types are too busy

sticking their thumb up their butt. Am I right?

Drew, I'm a zoning inspector.

Wait, I'm still talking.

It must be hard working all day with your thumb up your butt. God, I admire

people.

Drew, I hate to do this, but your whole setup is illegal.

I have to shut it down.

What? Oh, look, why don't we talk about this on the way to the Rock and Roll

Hall of Fame, where you'll be going in your brand new car.

Seat cover.

Is that a bribe?

Hey, if asking out a smart, beautiful woman is a bribe, then lock me up and

throw away the key.

And, uh... You can put that key on your 95 World Series key holder.

Drew, it's illegal to give a bribe, and it's just plain insulting to give a

crappy one.

Look, I took out a second mortgage to pay for all this. If I don't sell the

beer, I'm going to lose my house.

Look, a lot of people in this neighborhood run businesses out of their

backyards. Mrs. Orlando raises chickens.

The Sweeneys run an unlicensed daycare center. Old Man Levitt runs an auto body

shop in his garage.

What are you doing?

Writing down names.

Oh, can I get a copy of that? I want to see who's going to beat me up.

And you don't know anything about baseball because that's a great key

Well, I guess I'll never see you again.

Hey, I'll see you Monday when I post a citation.

Oh.

Well, lost my brewery, lost my house, my woman left me.

All I got left is my beer and my crippled dog.

Hey, if I could get that drama, I'd have a country song.

If I'm not mistaken, you're only wearing primer.

You're just jealous because I got lucky. What did you chloroform and drag home?

It just so happens I spent the evening with a lovely woman.

Thank you. Word around the muffin cart is your lovely woman came down hard on

your little beer factory.

Oh, man, I've got to watch what I say.

Three ham and cheese croissants. I think everybody's my best friend.

those zoning laws that won't cause you any trouble. Oh yeah, what's that?

What's in it for me?

I'll give you 25 bucks.

50 bucks and I'll tell you what that foul odor is in your car and how to get

of it.

Alright, I'm desperate.

So what's your great idea?

I got invited to a party once called a rave.

They couldn't get a license to sell beer commercially so they sold maps to the

place for 10 bucks.

Then when you got there, they gave you ten bucks worth of beer.

They made tons of dough, and it was all perfectly legal.

Wow. You got invited to a party?

You're welcome, jackass.

Hey, wait a minute.

What's sticking on my car?

You.

Hi. I'm looking for the Department of Apologies and Second Chances.

Well, they're closed.

Can I help you here at Bitterness and Grudges?

make me work for this, aren't you?

How about I take you to dinner Saturday?

You're in luck.

Because I found a way around my zoning problem.

So why don't you come around my place on Saturday? I'm having a big party.

And I'm really glad you stopped by.

Saturday? You got it.

What time?

That'll cost you three more M &Ms.

Okay. Is this how our relationship's going to be from now on, Drew?

Give me a Snickers and I'll tell you.

Can I see your map, please? Oh, I'm a friend of Drew's. All right, freeze.

No, it's okay. I'm fine with her. Geez, does she really look dangerous?

The Scottish Wildcat is soft and cuddly, Drew.

But when she's ripping out your entrails, she doesn't look so cute.

Well, you look great.

And you're just in time.

Can you chicken dance? You bet.

In fact, if you cut my head off, I'll chicken dance for like another five

minutes.

She works for the Cleveland Police Department.

Well, if love is a crime.

He's one of the owners of Buzz Beer, also one of its best customers. Yeah,

been a bad boy. Bad boy, what you gonna do?

Listen to this.

So far tonight, we've raked in almost $900.

Hey, all right.

So what are you guys doing exactly?

You'll appreciate this being in law enforcement.

We're not...

Technically selling alcohol. We're selling maps to a party and giving away

Selling maps.

So you're soliciting to sell alcohol.

Uh -oh.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to shut down your party. Oh, man.

The boss is trying to shut us down.

Look, Drew, you're a friend of Bonnie. So if you get everyone out now and you

give them their money back, I won't bust you.

You just lost your good thing, baby.

I didn't mean for this to happen.

Now you're going to lose everything.

Oh, hey.

It's okay. I've got a way around this. Hey, everybody.

That's my bathroom. Only $5 ,000.

Hey, we've been over that. You didn't know your friend was going to bust up my

party. No, I mean when Speedy and I played keep -away with your glasses.

You just wanted to see me run across the room naked.

No, you're not the first.

Look, I hope I didn't, you know, rush in anything you weren't ready for.

Here, I left a trail of donuts up to your bedroom.

I was ready.

Oh, yeah. By the way, that was the best foreplay I ever had.

You know, last night, last night was okay.

Drew, you're not supposed to talk about it.

We're supposed to be cool and pretend it's no big deal. Well, secretly, we

wonder where it'll all lead.

I like when you call me Conan.

You meant the barbarian, not O 'Brien, right?

Come on, Drew.

Want some coffee?

Yeah, and you know what I'm in love with that?

A rezoning waiver for my brewery and some cream.

Drew, I can't rezone you.

Well, then who can?

Well, it's not easy.

First, you have to get a petition. Then you have to go to the city council.

Oh, I know all about the city council.

My dad used to take me there when I was a kid so I could see government in

action. Then when he got back from the track, I told him what I learned.

And how hard can it be to get signatures on a petition?

You know, when I was a kid, there was this guy who actually got a petition to

keep Martians from owning property in the neighborhood.

True. We saw Bonnie's car in the driveway and we figured...

Oh.

You stayed here on purpose.

I'm passing around this important petition. Oh, wait, I know you. You're

carry boy.

Are you still living in your parents' house? Yes, sir. And are you keeping up

your mom's garden?

Yes, sir. Well, good.

Alma! Come on down.

It's that nice gay boy from down the street.

And we need your signature so we can be free to keep making our beer. You see,

we believe that the neighborhood is actually improved by having our brewery.

Well, here, take a sip. We think you'll agree.

We'll drink with you.

Hey, you know what buzz beers? Nobody drinks alone.

Ah,

the sweet juice of freedom.

Hi,

Mr. Carlson.

I haven't seen you in that makeup since you performed at my 10th birthday party.

So I guess you're still doing kids' birthday parties?

So you dress like that all the time now?

That's not sad at all.

Listen, I was wondering if you'd be interested in signing a petition for our

brewery.

Oh, my.

That's a big yes.

We'll consider those changes in the leash laws.

Next business.

Mr. Jones.

Isn't this exciting, Kate?

Ordinary citizens making decisions that will affect thousands of people.

Yeah.

Is this guy going to talk about dog crap for the next 20 minutes, too?

Because if he does, I'm going to blow my brains out. That's all I'm saying.

I can assure you I'm not going to waste your time with anything like that.

Last night, aliens visited my house again.

Oh, my God, it's the same guy from when I was a kid.

As evidence today, I'd like to offer Exhibit A, life on Mars.

Mr. Jones, the New York Post is talking about microscopic fossils.

Well, apparently they've evolved because that was no fossil giving me a rectal

probe last night.

late to dinner every Monday, and not hungry for the last 15 years.

So I'm going to give you your damn study just so we can get home earlier. All in

favor? Aye.

Wow, this system works.

Next business, Mr. Drew Carey.

Wish me luck.

Wish me luck? I live across the alley from that guy.

Good afternoon.

I have a petition here to rezone land parcel number 5039 for use as a

microbrewery. Denied. All in agreement?

Agreed.

Wait a second. There's a petition there signed by over 300 people. You can't

ignore that.

I can in a neighborhood of 15 ,000.

Especially when on the first page I see the names of a dozen dead Cleveland

Indian baseball players.

And the cast of Gilligan's Island.

Damn, Oswald. Look, I didn't know about the zoning regulations.

But I'm following all the health laws.

I'm paying sales tax and we're coming out with a calendar. You look like you

work out.

a politician in this state who's voted more consistently for the easy access of

liquor. I agree.

And this council just can't up and reverse zoning laws that have served our

so well, low, these many years. Now, please sit down. You forced me to use

word low.

Hold everything.

These letters came in, hundreds and hundreds of them, all supporting Drew's

right to brew beer in his garage. The people have spoken.

are all addressed to Santa Claus.

Big, jolly white guy.

Come on, work with me here.

If there's nothing else, Mr. Carey.

Oh, yeah, there's plenty else, pal.

I got a little thing here called the Bill of Rights.

Bill of Rights.

I think we got our next alien guy.

Hold it.

Bonnie? I'm the zoning inspector who first noticed Mr. Carey's violation.

I brought some people from his neighborhood I think you should meet. If

down Drew... You're shutting them all down.

This is the farmer.

He grows vegetables in his backyard.

He puts food on our plate.

This is the mechanic.

Without him, the wheels of our nation would stop.

Oh, yeah. And this is my neighbor. The loving, caring teacher that runs the

unlicensed daycare center.

And this is the taxidermist. The guy who... Geez, don't hold that up.

We could go on.

There's the Tupperware saleslady.

The masseuse.

Legitimate. The other masseuse?

Hello, Tina.

These people are American, Councilman. A country that was built by people

running businesses out of the backyards.

And if you don't want to give this community the right to make a living,

you better be prepared to ban something else, pal. And I'm talking about the

American Dream!

Is it me? I attract these people like flies.

And we're coming back every week with the same sappy routine. And I'm going to

bring him with me. And this thing's just going to get smellier and uglier.

So what do you say?

Well, I don't want to put all these people out of business.

My great -grandfather started business in his garage and eventually wound up

polluting over two -thirds of Lake Erie.

In his memory, I'm proposing a two -year study on the effects of rezoning,

during which time you can all stay open.

Lock the doors.

They're looking for tall guys.

Congratulations.

I hope this makes up for busting you. Are you kidding me? You saved me. I

wait to tell my mom.

Your mother?

Well, she's more than my mother. She's my best friend.

Hey, you're still here.

Now remember, you're Altoid, and I'm Deltoid. Right, and our spaceship runs

beer, and we need much fuel to get back to our galaxy.

Martians. Got me.

I'm Deltoid. He's Altoid.

New guys, huh?

Bigfoot's here.

Elvis will be here any minute.

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