Original subtitles

Do you have to put on makeup while we're driving?

If you want to get a natural look, you gotta use natural light.

Lady, don't blame nature for that.

Time to clear a little traffic.

You! In the Ford Escort! This is God!

Pull over to the side of the road, I'm giving you a heart attack!

Wow. Pretty cool.

Check this out.

You in the red car.

My name's Chuck.

I'm a Sagittarius.

Long walk by the beach. This is a carpool, not a jacuzzi.

So, who's your cute friend?

Uh, just a new guy from Shoes. Got a bad cold, can't really talk.

Oh, oh, no problem.

You know, we're a little early.

What do you say we drive by Drew's house, get around on the front lawn,

some windows, and set the whole house on fire?

All right, so you know it's me.

Drew, what are you doing here?

I mean, yeah, that's why I said all those things.

Now get out of my car.

What do you mean get out? You can't stop in the middle of the freeway.

You said anything about stopping. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You think I like

being in a pace car from Wigstock?

Just my car wouldn't start. I really needed a ride.

Oh, crap.

Cherry top. Hang on.

just lose them. Maybe we'll find a Mary Kay parade and slip right in. What are

you, nuts?

This is the police.

Pull your vehicle over.

I can't. If I go less than 50, it'll blow up.

Yeah, like we never heard that one before. Pull over, Keanu.

I wonder what I gotta do to get them to look the other way.

Chuck, should I just lob the ball to you or spike it myself?

to me tonight.

Guide her to people underneath your silvery light.

We're going bowling, so don't lose her in Solon. Moon over Parma.

Want to know why I'm late?

Well, you want to ask me? Or do you want to look at my butt first like everyone

else did today?

No, I think we'll just ask you.

I drove up with Mimi and got arrested for trying to outrun the police.

They searched her car and we all had to go down to the station.

Hey, it's not my fault the cops had never seen a pound of eye shadow in a

before.

Oh, Drew, there she is. There she is.

Julie, hey, what's she doing up here?

You haven't gone on one date since you broke up with Lisa.

I got her up here so you could ask her to go to lunch with us. Oh, great.

you tell her? That I'm the biggest loser in the world and my friends have to

drag women up here so I can ask them out? No, we both know that's failed in

past.

I just told her there's a really cute guy up here who's single. Now go over

there before she sees him.

I can't ask her out. She doesn't even know me.

Hey, you're asking her to go to lunch with a group of people, huh? Groups are

safe. Then, over time, you slowly whittle the group down until she

late she's dating you.

It also works with sex.

Yeah, you know, you're right.

Lisa's probably dating now.

It's time for me to jump back in. What she could say is no.

Hey, Julie.

No.

Rejection. How I missed you.

Hey, guys.

Hey. I just made a delivery to our old high school today, and guess what I

out? Girls don't think you're creepy?

No.

Our music teacher just died.

Miss Blanketship died?

Yeah. Oh, that's too bad.

So, where do you want to go for lunch?

Wait a minute.

Well,

what happened?

Well, she had a heart attack during band practice, and the horn section went

right into taps. Didn't miss a beat.

Oh, my God. This is terrible.

What are we going to do?

Since we haven't perfected reanimation, I guess we'll let her be dead.

Would you knock it off?

Why are you getting so upset? You haven't seen her in 15 years.

She's my first band teacher. She really meant a lot to me.

Do you know when the memorial service is?

No, I wasn't able to find that out.

Apparently, I'm not allowed to wander the halls anymore.

You know what else I'm going to do?

I'm going to get the band back together to play for one last time. You know,

it's the least we can do.

How are you going to find all the guys in the band?

Oh, I know.

I can get a list of clients from the optometrist in the orthopedic shoe

Johnson, come here.

Your sales are off 50%. Pick a hand.

Oops, too bad.

You're fired.

Oh, come on. I wouldn't be that cruel.

Very good, Stearns. Much better than last week's Wheel of Destiny.

Hey, listen, as long as you're in a good mood, can I get a personal day off?

Well, I'd love to give it to you, but I don't see what's in it for me.

Excuse me, but there's been a death.

Oh, I'm sorry. Was it someone close?

It was my band teacher.

Oh, why?

Why? Why is it always the band teacher?

Why are they always taken from us in their prime?

Sarcasm noted and appreciated, sir.

Can I have the day off?

Pick a number between one and a million.

453 ,252.

All right, then.

This next music I picked out myself. I think it's appropriate for memorial

service.

Debbie, I'm sorry, there's no cymbal part in this arrangement, so you're just

going to have to fake it.

Okay, everybody ready?

Can't you hear yourselves?

Hasn't anyone been to church in the last 20 years? Amazing Grace is not a march.

And just one small note, Debbie. You suck!

Come on, guys.

We're going to have to do better than this if we're going to honor the memory

Miss Blankenship. You know, I'm getting cold. Can we practice inside?

Yeah.

Oh, all right.

Bob, if you don't mind.

a friend.

All right, since Amazing Grace is out, anyone else have an idea on a song for

Miss Blankenship?

How about the night Chicago died, but we changed Chicago to Miss Blankenship?

That's not bad, but instead, why don't we use George on my mind and change it

Oswald's an insensitive jerk and I'm going to beat the crap out of him if he

doesn't shut up.

That doesn't fit.

Drew, why don't you just go

She never got married.

I'm not even sure she liked men.

You want to show a little respect?

Or maybe you and your Salvation Army tube will want to get the heck out of

Hey, take it easy, buddy.

Yeah, who died and made you band leader?

All right, big boy, come on now. All right, big boy, sit down.

Give it a rest. What's the matter with you? You should be talking about her if

you didn't know her. Yeah, but so what if she's gay?

It's not the point. She wasn't gay.

Wait a minute. How can you be so sure?

Just trust me.

I'm sure.

You were having sex in high school?

It was just a once.

She was my first.

Well, I see everybody's put on a little weight except for yours, Truly.

Yeah, that's right, Drew. You were an enormous boy and now you're just a large

man.

Did it with Miss Blankenship?

I told you guys, I'm not going to talk about that.

Rehearsal room. Sound profile.

Did she make you use the metronome?

Did she make you wear a reed?

Okay, I can see you guys are going to drop this, so... It was my second year

band, and I just made first chair.

And Miss Blankenship asked me to stay after school for a private practice

session.

Where? In the rehearsal hall. Hello.

So anyway, she said she had her eye on me for a long time and she put my

down and then I played my first duet.

Afterwards, she said it was a one -time thing, but she gave me this treble clef

pin and she said I was really special to her and that when I wore it, only we

would know what it meant, that I was her little love note.

Drew, that's the most beautiful... story of statutory rape I've ever heard.

Good afternoon, everyone, and thank you, band, for that touching musical

interlude in the courtyard.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Principal Zand. Welcome to Rhodes High

School. Sorry,

it's reflex.

We gather to mourn the loss of a great teacher.

A woman who gave everything she could to her students and then some.

Miss Blankenship was the epitome of dedication.

How many nights did I leave my office only to see Eleanor's car still in the

parking lot?

She was no doubt toiling away in the rehearsal room, helping a student master

his instrument.

I would like to make a presentation to the most special person in Eleanor

Brankenship's life. As a working single mother, she could leave no finer legacy

than her son, Billy.

some money for your education.

What better gift for a 19 -year -old scholar?

He's 19... He's too old to be my kid.

Yes! I'm not a father!

Or a rabbi.

Or a minister.

Just a regular guy.

Came to pay my respects.

Back to you, Mr. Zand.

Now, I'd like to suggest that we file out and pay our last respects.

Oh, please keep it brief. We've got a game in five minutes.

Eleanor, it's me, Drew, your little love note.

I'll never forget you.

Thanks for making me a man.

You too?

I can't believe Miss Blanketship slept with every first chair.

I thought it was special.

I'm sorry, Drew.

Hey, have a soda.

Thanks.

Hey, hey, hey, take it easy.

This guy bought it. At least let him have the last sip.

You know what? I don't understand. How come I never heard about this?

I was in the chess club. I was in the loop.

How come no one ever talked about this?

This isn't something people go around talking about.

You never told us what happened to you.

Yeah, how come you never told us? We're best friends. I thought we didn't have

any secrets from each other, huh? You know everything about me.

Hold on.

I don't recall ever hearing about your first time. Yeah, well, you'll be the

first to know.

Come on. Come on.

Remember Joni McCormick?

Yeah. So one day I'm over at her house and we're out by the pool and it's

and it's real hot.

All we're wearing is our bathing suits.

Yeah.

So it was Joni. No.

Joanie had to go to field hockey practice, but her sister comes over.

You slept with her sister?

No, no, no.

You know, we chatted for a while, you know, but then she had to leave. But her

brother comes in.

So, we open a couple beers.

Louis, no!

What?

No, no!

No, no, her brother leaves and I'm all alone until... the dog comes in.

But then the dog goes.

Lewis, who did you sleep with?

Six years later, some woman in a bar.

All right, how about you, Kate? We'll try to start on the same week it

Oh, you don't want to know.

Yeah, we do. Yeah, come on, we told you ours.

Oh, it wasn't that big of a deal. It wasn't very memorable.

What's that supposed to mean?

You mean Oswald knows and we don't?

I wasn't even there that afternoon.

Six years later, some guy I met in a bar.

Oswald, was your first?

Wait a minute. This is Ambrosia?

It was a million years ago. Nobody cares.

I don't believe this. Were you guys drinking?

No.

No, it's a very big deal. Every time I look at you, I'm going to think about

having sex with Oswald. How am I going to get that out of my mind?

It took me years, but I did it. Hey!

Come on, Joe. It was really embarrassing.

We were just experimenting. We didn't even take our clothes off. We were just

kind of wrestling, and then Kate pinned me down, and there was a move we did a

couple of times.

I don't want to hear anymore.

This has been a hell of a day for me. Why don't I smoke pot back in high

so I wouldn't remember any of this? I'm going to get out of here.

Hey, Drew.

Come on, Drew.

So, after all these years still sneaking under the bleachers, let's go see more,

hiney. You too, Hertz.

You too, Lingus.

Alfred Lauder, handbook on employee bereavement, sir? Yes, yes. And I'm

sorry to hear about your loss.

Two, three, four.

Your management, right? Yeah.

Five.

Thank you for your concern, sir.

This is a very difficult time for me.

Eso es un tiempo muy difícil para mí.

Still part of your life.

Lord,

this thing goes on.

Here, you read it, and when you're done, give it to the widow Henderson and

choose, will you?

Drew, call Mimi's personnel file. I'm putting her on report.

They're free makeup samples.

It's not stealing.

Let it go, Chuck. Life's too short.

Listen, pig.

Oh, thanks.

But, Drew, she took them out of people's hands. If you arrest her, you got a

frisker.

I owe you one.

Wait a second.

The real Drew never would have let Mimi get away with that.

What's going on?

Well, it all started when the very first woman I had sex with died.

So this is about your sex life?

Sort of. My pager just went off. Bye, Drew.

How you doing, Drew?

I tried calling this morning.

You're not still upset over this Oswald thing, are you?

Well, you know, it's not like I'm jealous or anything like that. It's just

I'm finding out I'm not so special to all the special people in my life.

And here I am walking around.

Gee, what's that heavy breathing coming from Kate's room? Oh, just the wind, I

guess. Gee,

what's the Navy doing outside Miss Plankett's office?

Oh, probably just a drill.

Come on, Drew. Nobody was trying to hurt you.

I have lots of secrets from Oswald and Lewis.

Remember Oswald's losing lotto ticket?

I still have my ring.

Watch is still ticking.

I'm so sorry I didn't tell you.

I know.

But this has been a hell of a time for me. I mean, first Lisa moves out, and

then Miss Blankenship dies.

In two weeks, I've lost the first person I ever had sex with, and then probably

the last.

Oh, come on, Drew. You're going to find someone else.

Hey, how do you know?

Back in high school, I thought I'd be married to Farrah Foss by now and own my

own roller disco.

Do you want to hear another secret I never told you?

No, it's about you and Louis or you and Miss Blankenship. I don't want to hear

it.

No, it's about you and me.

I decided that if we reached a certain age and still hadn't found anyone, I

would ask you to marry me.

What? You heard me.

Wait.

Are you serious about this?

Yeah.

Well, how are we talking about it? Let's lock in a number.

Let's say 80.

50? 70.

60? How old do you think you'll be when you're too old to have sex?

The day after that, I'll marry you.

Oh.

What the heck, the day before?

I do.

You know what they say, when you're taken, they always come looking for you.

Hey, Julie. No.

Honey, I'm home.

Mr. Carey?

Billy. Billy Blankenship.

I'm sorry to bother you when you're tuning out.

Should have heard of six beers ago.

Take five, cats.

Man, they just ain't hip to what I'm laying down.

Big, baby.

You know, my mom said that you were one of her favorite students. She wanted you

to have this.

Wow, her baton. She must have had this for like 30 years.

Thanks for all the beautiful music.

Aw, that's really nice.

Sure. Well, I gotta go.