Original subtitles

What? Listen to this.

Drew has his whole day planned. Things to do with Lisa.

Afternoon, move Lisa in.

Nighttime options.

Share a silly secret.

Wash each other's hair.

That shouldn't take long.

Read a sexy story.

Give me that.

I'm trying to make sure everything goes all right.

This is the first time I've ever lived with a woman.

Oh my God, I'm going to live with a woman.

Our little Drew's growing up. Seems like only yesterday he was the older, single

man in the neighborhood that all the parents kept their children away from.

Goodbye, police lineups.

Hey, Drew, how come you got coasters on all the bottle rings? I can't see where

my beer goes.

For your information, you put the coasters under the beer bottle in case

sweats.

So, do you sit on a coaster, Drew?

I'm knocking off. This is serious.

You know, Lisa and I almost broke up a couple weeks ago.

Luckily, I came up with the idea of us moving in together.

Shut up. It's gonna work.

Hey, remember the day I first moved in? Like it was yesterday, Lois. Couple

crazy kids.

No furniture. Making minimum wage.

Things have changed.

Yeah. They raised the minimum wage. Hello.

Oh, holy Christmas, Drew. This suit sucks.

It's not soup. I'm simmering potpourri.

Well, I guess I shouldn't have put the hot dogs in.

Doilies.

Hey, Pa, looks like a woman's coming over.

Woman, independent woman. Hey, look, Lewis, you're a fashion don't. Okay,

that's it. Just put them back.

In the fan shape.

Drew, what are you doing here? I'm freaking out. That's what I'm doing.

Ha, get out.

What? Huh? Nothing. Just act normal.

I always wondered where carpet came from.

Hey, thanks for getting Jay and his movers to help me, Kate. I never thought

anyone would do it for free.

Well, thanks for moving in with Drew. I never thought anyone would do that for

free.

Please, did you pack a litter box?

Oh, Miska doesn't use one. She's toilet trained.

She's what?

Toilet trained. She hops up on the seat and does her little business.

See, Oswald? Even cats can do it. Oh!

We're finally going to do it. God, we really are.

And I have a good feeling about this.

I mean, I don't care if all those women's magazines say it's a big

Ah, who reads that crap anyway?

Uh -oh, we'll have the door open. Strays are getting in. Come on, you, shoot.

Get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. These are my dogs.

Since when did you get two dogs?

My folks just moved into a condo where they don't allow animals, and since

you...

You don't mind, do you?

No. See, the special surprises are starting already.

Yeah, well, he likes you.

All right, you know Mishka. I love Mishka.

Yes. And this is Chaplin.

Chaplin. And Stinky.

Stinky.

How'd you get your name, huh?

You know, I had an aunt with a hip problem. Oh, yeah?

But you have a lot less hair on your face.

You know, we're going to build you a special bed just for you, buddy, yeah.

Well, you know, they sleep in the bedroom with us.

Oh.

Now, Speedy, you're going to see some things that you may not understand, but

people do it facing each other.

Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight.

Guide her to Cleveland, underneath your silvery light.

We're going bowling, so don't lose her in Solon. Moon over Palazzo tonight.

Well, well, looky here.

An employee change of address request.

Well, this must be a mistake, because Lisa put down 666 Pig Lane. Isn't that

your address?

One week and going strong, Mimi.

Jealous? Oh, I'm shacking up with you.

Oh, good God, I almost swallowed my tongue on that one.

Well, that would be bad. Then how would you feed from the high trees?

By any chance, does your mom know?

What, that I'm living with Lisa?

I'm an adult. I don't have to ask my mom.

She doesn't know. She doesn't know. I'm going to call.

How's your job to work? Great.

So, what's new?

Nothing much.

Oh, wait, uh, last night... Oh, you were there.

Well, then there was this morning.

Oh, you did it, actually.

So... So?

Oh, by the way, they fixed the Xerox machine.

Uh... They needed some more toner.

Save a little something for dinner.

Oh.

Hey, Jay.

Hey, ready for lunch, Drew?

Yeah. Hey, you sound kind of upset on the phone. Everything okay?

Yeah, I need your advice.

I got shot at a business opportunity, but I'm not sure whether to go for it or

not. You came to the right cubicle, pal.

I can't tell you how many captains of industry sat in that very chair, and

tell you what I told them.

Third door on the left, jiggle the handle.

My brother -in -law Ask me to invest with him in a Dairy Queen.

Wow, a Dairy Queen.

Yeah, the only problem is it's in Farmington, Minnesota.

Yeah, so let me get this straight.

You can get up at like 4 a .m. and make yourself a peanut buster parfait, or, no

wait, a dilly bar, or, no wait, oh wait, my head is spinning. What are you

waiting for, man? Go do it!

True, I'd have to move to run the place.

Move? Well, forget 4 a .m. You could live there, right underneath the nozzle.

Yeah, okay.

Now, if I move, what happens to me and Kate?

Oh, oh, I guess you have to break up.

Or she comes with me.

No, she's my best friend. You break up.

It's very adulterous, but it's a difficult situation.

Well, whatever you do, don't hurt her. I'm going to do to you what I did in

third grade when you played keep away with my pants.

Hit yourself and run away crying?

Yeah, let me tell you something, pal. I cry a lot louder now.

Lisa, honey, you going to be in there long?

Sorry,

Mishka.

How about you?

You know, I mean, Kate leaving Cleveland, do you think she'd really do

Well,

what if that happened to us? You know, what if I were offered some big million

dollar job in New York or something?

No, really.

You know, a beautiful woman like Demi Moore pressured me into having sex.

It could happen. Remember the guy that won the lottery twice?

Hey, uh...

as if it would follow me around?

They're not following you. They're following the food.

The food just always seems to be around you.

Clinton, you woke me up eating in bed last night.

It wasn't me. That was your cat.

Okay, okay. We'll talk about your diet later.

You fill up my senses like a night in a forest. Should we get to the chorus?

Who's hungry?

Who?

Man, what a night.

Tim, you don't know what it's like in my house these days.

Thank God I can still come here to get away from your problems.

What are you doing here?

Besides making that stool suffer.

I'm making yours jealous.

Just keep your hands off. I'm here with the band.

Hey, Stash!

I guess it's not going real well.

so you wouldn't be hanging out alone in a bar.

Look, I just came in to have a beer or two, and I'm going to go home.

She's the one that should be tipping a few before battling the great white.

So, uh, Amy, do you ever live with anybody?

I've had a toothbrush or two in my bathroom.

Well, if you don't mind me asking, how come it didn't work out?

I can tell you're troubled.

Here's what you do.

You get off your bar stool, you get in your car, and you drive until you find

someone who cares.

Uh -oh, the polka sluts are circling. Hey, go peddle your pierogi somewhere

else, honey.

Hey, Drew, have you seen Jay? He called up all nervous and wanted me to meet him

here. He said he's made the biggest decision of his life.

I think it's obvious what it's about.

Traditional burial or frozen.

I think he's going to ask you to marry him.

Yeah, like that'll matter.

to be thinking about marriage now.

I think I know.

I had lunch with him today, and he's got this great business opportunity to move

to Minnesota.

I hear wedding bells.

I love to hear those two special words.

Open bar.

What am I going to do?

I never expected this. I mean, I can't say yes.

We haven't even been dating a year yet. I hope he takes it okay.

Here comes Wiley Coyote waiting for the anvil.

Hi, guys.

Hey. Come on, let's all go to the bathroom. Okay.

Kate, listen, there's something I need to talk to you about.

Okay.

Oh,

Jay, don't.

What? I'm tying my shoe.

Oh, go ahead.

Look, normally I don't move this fast, but something's come up, and I don't

think I should wait any longer to do this.

Oh, Jay.

I co -signed a loan for my brother, and I'm moving to Minnesota to run at Dairy

Queen.

You know, this is all very romantic and everything, but I can't let you go on

with this proposal.

Proposal?

Um, you're not proposing to me?

Oh, geez, Kate.

I'm sorry that's what you were thinking. Oh, I feel terrible.

So, you're just asking me to move to Minnesota with you?

Yeah, I feel worse.

So, what's this all about?

I told you, I'm moving to Minnesota.

So, you're dumping me for a Dairy Queen?

Well, actually, it's one of those new ones with a drive -thru and a brazier.

But you don't want to hear about that.

So, you're not proposing?

No. And you're moving to Minnesota?

Yes. I'm probably never going to see you again.

Probably not.

All right, that's it. I am breaking up with you.

Kate, you're just upset.

Ten, nine, eight. Kate, I don't know what you're doing, but you don't scare

Seven, six, five. You have anger issues. Three, two, one. I'm not scared, but

I'm leaving.

Kate? Hey, man, are you okay?

She's moving to Minnesota without me.

Kate, if it makes you feel any better, you can hit me.

That didn't help. I gotta get out of here. Hey, hey, you're not going

alone, okay?

She didn't have to hit me so hard.

Love hurts, buddy.

Oh, yeah?

I'm gonna get in shape. And when I do, I'm gonna come back and kick Love's ass.

Uh, Kate, are you sure you should be driving?

Yeah, it calms me down.

Move it!

Man, one day you're in love, the next day he's in Minnesota.

What's the point of it all?

The point is to stay between the painted lines.

Who cares?

Oh, Katie.

Okay, I got the wheel. Grab her. Guys, this is a terrible plan. She's still got

the accelerator.

I never told my father I loved him.

Stop it.

Well, let's just go to Oswald and Lewis' place and we'll have a cup of beers and

we'll sort this whole thing out.

Our house? We never go to our house. We don't even like to go to our house.

Wait, I know where we can go.

I know what will make little Katie feel better.

We're going to Jay's.

Will we actually be stopping at Jay's or is this more of a drive -by type

situation?

I'm so glad you guys talked me out of going to Jay's.

You know, tonight should have been the worst night of my life.

But thanks to friends like you and two pounds of cheap Chinese in my belly,

tomorrow morning is going to be the worst night of my life.

I gotta go pee. Okay.

I see you guys are still buying in bulk.

I was dating a Russian girl. I was trying to impress her.

Louis! Seat's hanging on the wall, Kate.

Hey, we got messages.

How many?

Twelve. Yeah.

Hey, Louis, it's Oswald. Going to the war side tonight?

Going to the Warsaw?

Lewis, you there? It's Oswald. I'm thinking about the Warsaw tonight.

Hey, it's me, Lewis. You there?

This is Oswald. Pick up if you're there, man.

Hey, maybe we should do something else tonight.

Now.

We'll get the rest later.

There's a dead cockroach on a toothpick in there.

Yeah, I do that as a warning to all the other...

You guys have been great, but I'm ready to call it a night. Come on, Drew, you

can drop me off on your way home. Oh, no, you're not ready to go home. Yeah, I

am. No, you had all the Chinese.

Remember what my dad used to say?

Close the door if you're going to do that?

I know, he said, don't make Drew go home if she's there and her dogs are there

and her cattle pees on his toilet is there and she keeps singing and she

gets to that damn chorus.

Drew, is there something you want to talk about?

Don't make me go home.

Please don't make me go home.

It's the first time that's ever been said in this apartment.

Well, Drew, when you first move in with somebody, there's always a period of

adjustment. Yeah, sure. I mean, take Oswald with me, huh? I mean, I used to

home at all kinds of weird hours working at Drug Co. But you know, when I got

home, there was always a sandwich waiting for me.

I never made you a sandwich.

You always made my bed. That was nice.

I never made your bed.

Well, that changes our whole relationship.

And our locks.

Wendy's?

Burger King?

McDonald's? What am I, a rookie? Come on, challenge me!

Drew, it's 3 .30 in the morning.

There's not a fryer left gurgling in Cleveland.

You have to go home.

I know a little after -hours grill where you can get some french fries and the

cops will turn their heads.

Oh, Drew.

I don't want to go home. I don't know what to say to her.

You know, it's crazy. Years ago, if you would have told me I'd end up with a

woman like Lisa, I wouldn't believe it.

And then, if you would have told me I was trying to get out of it, I'd say,

well, I can't really deal with that until I'm done defending my Mr. Universe

title.

Drew, I know things aren't good for you at home right now.

And the only way that people can solve their problems is through open, healthy

communication.

Oh, you can just pull over here.

Thanks, Drew.

I sense you're having some problems staying at my friend Laura's. The

are with me.

Please call me in the morning.

Lisa.

She left me.

I'm all alone. I'm all alone.

Oh,

the house is mine.

No more stupid stuff. Oh, except for this one.

No more catty on my toilet.

Oh, I can rub my butt.

Oh, I see you got my note.

No, what note?

Oh, this is from you?

Oh, my God, no.

Stop it.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Hey, you should have seen my dance.

Although... my finale did not include the cat trick.

So, you weren't happy?

About as happy as you.

That bad?

Oh, my God, honey.

Oh.

Look, um, it's four in the morning, and I know you gave up your place, and we

invested a lot in this, so, you know, if you want to give another shot, I mean,

we'll go to counseling, we'll read books.

I already called a cab.

Okay, let me help you with your bags. Thank you.

I've had some fun times these last couple of weeks.

It's only been a week.

Oh, man.

I'll see you at work.

Hey, uh, one more thing.

Can I keep Speedy?

Well, sure you can.

Oh.

That was your plan all along, wasn't it?

Yeah, see, most guys are nice to the crippled dog to get the girl.

Me, on the other hand...

Who are we up to?

Pat Clem in seventh grade. Oh, yeah.