Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies.

Would you like to try Cleveland's own buzz beer? See, what we've done is

combined your two favorite beverages, beer and coffee.

Now you can stay up and get drunk all over again.

Hey, did you guys really make this yourself? Yeah, we brewed it in Drew's

garage. Oh, it's great. And I like the way you put the worm in. Just like

tequila.

Yeah. Here, you get a free one. Oh.

We got a big problem. We screwed up. What?

Tim doesn't want two cases in 60 days. He wants 60 cases in two days.

We can't bottle 60 cases that fast.

I don't think we can even drink 60 cases that fast.

Oh, yeah? Remember DWI Fridays?

Wait a minute.

We got to keep this from Drew.

And from now on, we got to start writing this stuff down. Make a note of that.

I'll remember. Okay.

Okay, everybody shut up.

Tim. Tim, hey, did I get any phone calls?

Okay, listen, I'm expecting a very important call. Now, I'll be talking to

at the bar for the next few seconds. Then I'll be walking over to that table

over there. I'm not familiar with your numbering system, but let's call it

five. Uh, four.

Okay, five.

Drew, calm down.

I'm okay.

Get away from that! Don't touch it!

This is Drew Carey.

Mrs. Oswald, I'm calling to say you're making a real jackass out of yourself.

Hey, you're tying up both the lines.

I'm waiting to hear about the job interview.

I think they decided right after you gave them a bar as a home number.

I'm on call forwarding, okay?

I was going nuts sitting around the house.

I didn't know you were looking for another job. That means you'll have two

Wow, you could co -sign for a lot of stuff.

Look, I don't want two jobs. I just want one good job.

But there's no guarantee that Winford Louder is going to promote me to store

manager, so I'm covering all my bases.

I applied at Saks Fifth Avenue.

Ooh!

Drew, do you really want to work there? With all those rich people and their big

cars and their suntans throwing away money like there's no tomorrow?

Take me to heaven, big boy. I want to go with.

I haven't had the job yet. I don't know why I'm getting my hopes up.

Drew, you don't want to drink that. That's a bottle of... Believe me, he's

enough in his mind.

Maybe I just have to learn to accept my place in the universe. I'm the guy who

always gets screwed.

Look.

Great. Now I got worms.

Come on, Drew. A lot of good things have happened to you. Hey, remember that

movie It's a Wonderful Life with Jimmy Stewart?

Yeah. Well, you got to see that.

And your girlfriend's going to be moving in with you, which allowed your friend

Louis to win the no -way -in -hell pool at the bar here.

Telephone call for Mr. Carey.

It's Sixpence Avenue.

Is this it?

Is this my big chance?

Do I finally get to take off the bridesmaid dress and put on the bridal

Yeah, and the three of us can carry you over the threshold.

Because you're so fat.

Yeah, this is Drew.

I did?

Uh -huh.

Well, I'll be down there first thing in the morning.

No, sir.

Thank you very much.

Drew, you got the job?

No, I left my briefcase over there. But they're going to keep me on file. How

many guys do they say that to?

Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight.

Luck be a lady tonight.

Hello, Drew Carey, Assistant Personnel Director.

May I help you?

No. We don't have a new store manager.

Let me put you on hold. I'll get you the acting store manager.

Acting store manager, can I help you?

What do you mean that last guy was rude? You mean rude like cursing or rude like

this?

Hey, baby.

Still handling both jobs?

Yeah. It's not great for you, but it's good for me.

I'm sleeping my way to the top with just one guy.

Hey, let's not try that again, okay? My back went out and I'm still finding

jello.

I want a temporary store manager and permanent pig.

You know, Mimi, the opposite of love isn't hate. It's disinterest.

Get out of my face, Twiggy.

What's the matter? You got a thorn in your paw?

Come here.

Bite me.

No. As your acting boss, I'd like you to take some dictation.

Fine. Just keep your hands to yourself.

I'm not one of those secretaries. And I got pepper spray.

If I feel the urge to grab you, I'll spray some in my eyes.

For all department heads.

That's a disestablishmentarianism, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

And regarding our sales in Uganda... Just look at sounds.

Got it?

Oh, gee, I'm sorry. All I got was an F and a U.

not so sure.

What? Well, I have to admit that you haven't totally sucked running this

And if those Dutch jerks that bought the store had half a brain, they'd make you

the manager.

Damn right.

Because you could do this job.

Yeah. You deserve this job. Yeah.

But you didn't get this job. They hired...

over for the manager's job.

Boy, that makes me mad.

What do you say we go down to the cosmetics department and smash a whole

of really expensive perfume?

I don't think that's going to accomplish anything, Kate.

Huh. It already happened.

Please don't fire me. It was an accident.

Can you believe that you gave it to an English guy?

Look at me. I'm an English fancy pants.

The way they come over here and steal our jobs. Those chummel -digging, giant

rock -calendar -building, mad cow -breeding, groomed -up -to -beer

stoneheads.

Wouldn't you look like a big idiot if I was standing right behind you?

Only if I turned around, which I will not do.

May I have everyone's attention, please?

I would like to introduce you all to the man we, your Dutch masters, have chosen

to run the store.

Mr. Nigel Wick.

Wick? That won't be too hard to rhyme in the bathroom.

You may have heard that Cleveland was my last choice for an assignment, which

makes all of this just a little awkward.

Oh, you hadn't heard. Well, now it's awkward. Anyway, I'll try not to make

all pay for my crushing disappointment. Carry on, and remember, my door is

always open.

Exactly how I imagined their stewardesses.

Kenny, we have to talk.

By the way, a nice, um, box.

Thank you, sir. Next week I'm having shredded newspapers put on the floor so

never have to leave.

Defensive, aren't you, Kerry?

No, you are.

Wait, did I forget to mention I fully intend to make you assistant store

manager? You do?

Oh, man, finally. Hey, can I also be the store duke? Of course, with title comes

responsibility. And land.

Maybe later.

First, you have to learn how to make difficult decisions.

Here's a good one you've already made.

Wow, look, there's my name.

That's right.

You're eliminating all employee discounts. We need the savings.

Oh, good for me.

Besides, they shoplift anything they really want anyway.

Here's another one.

You're cutting down staff lunches to 45 minutes. That's brilliant.

Oh, I guess if I can eat two lunches in one hour, they can eat one lunch in 45

minutes.

I didn't think of anything else, did I? You certainly did.

No more free employee parking. I wasn't quite sure about that one, but you

fought hard and convinced me.

Boy, I'm good.

And it doesn't matter where I park, because my car will be on fire.

contest carry and this is your job.

Yeah, I understand that, sir, but why can't you just put your name on the

You want answers?

Sign this.

What's this?

It's a request form for your new desk.

I get a new desk? What's all this other stuff?

Oh, it's all your other new cost -cutting ideas and just some stuff about

we're no longer providing milk for the daycare center. Blah, blah, blah.

Words, really.

So you're saying I can finally get the promotion I've been waiting 11 years for

and a new desk and all I have to do is be the stored jerk?

You or whoever signs the memo.

They can bring milk from home, can't they?

They bring diapers, don't they?

Well, I get 19 CDs for just a penny.

And a football ball?

For hell.

Taylor, distribute these memos as soon as possible, would you?

Mimi, I think I just made the worst decision I ever made in my whole life.

You want to hear something worse?

car just got hit.

What?

Nine more and I got a calendar.

Lewis, you're a genius.

I don't know. No, really.

poor Billy and Bobby beer bottle.

I'm sad because I'm empty.

I wish some kids would fill us up.

All right, chills, over, get back to work.

Hey, Stacy.

Okay, now, just to the worse, I'm back. And remember, if you wipe out, you just

bought yourself a case, okay?

Aw, they are so cute at that age, aren't they?

Oh, my God!

Oh, Drew, you're home early. Oh, my God, you have the neighborhood kids working

in my garage.

Hey, Timmy.

They're bottling it, not drinking it.

Okay, everybody down. Come on, let's go.

Here's a dollar. Don't tell your parents. Don't tell your parents. Don't

your parents. Don't tell your parents. Don't tell your parents. Don't tell your

parents. Give me it.

What the hell were you guys thinking?

I know. It was stupid.

It was wrong.

I was trying to get kids off the street, Drew. I mean, think of a garage as a

daycare center with liquor.

We didn't have a choice.

The Warsaw wanted 60 cases by tomorrow.

Yeah, it's all about perception, you know?

Hey. What if we put those kids in green velvet suits and little pointy hats like

the Keebler -Ells?

Three unmarried guys

in their 30s dressing up little kids in their garage when they make liquor.

Yeah, that'd be adorable.

Where's all those extra labels?

We can slap them on these bottles and get them over to the Warsaw.

I'm about to use them to wipe my... Drew, I got a memo for you. Kiss my...

Die, die, die, die, die, die.

Die, die, die, die, die, die.

Trouble at work, Drew?

Nope.

Hey, I caught a little girl trying to steal a case of our beer.

She tried to outrun me, but let's just say crime doesn't pay.

Funny are those memos you sent out at work. They're hilarious.

They're real.

Huh. Lewis, get me a can opener.

Why? Because I'm about to open me up a big can of... Whoa!

The worst idea is I just signed him. I don't even do that anymore. He's got a

rubber stamp with my signature on it. You know, this could cost a lot of

I've got a blockbuster card. He can write biodome in my name.

Call me crazy, but I thought if I got in on the inside, I could change things

down the road.

Let me tell you a little story about a man who went along, played the game,

towed the line, rode the rail, reached for the stars, joined the Navy, saw

the world.

An inspection memo.

Must have been before the pay toilets, but after the free coffee.

Good. Fine.

Good.

Hey, did you eat lunch?

No. Thanks to you, she's only got time to binge.

This stinks, Gary.

We're all old enough to dress ourselves.

Your fly's open. Yeah.

I'm from New Hampshire. Live free or die, I'm protesting the inspection.

Glad you're not from Missouri.

The show me state.

When the belt tightens, we all feel it.

Boy, Drew, that's a beautiful new desk you've got there.

Wow!

Okay, as much as over.

Dismissed.

Gary, come over here.

Here's the newest brainstorm.

We have a number of employees who are reaching the end of their productive

years, and we're about to reward them with large pensions. You're right, Gary.

That's insane.

I'd like them all fired.

But these are some of our best employees.

Good, good. Be sure to tell them.

This one's waiting in your box right now.

Yeah, but Mr. Wick, I can't... Ah, damn it.

Bert, how you doing?

Oh, you know me.

Can't complain.

You've worked here a hell of a long time, Bert.

Did you ever get up in the morning and say to yourself, I just can't take it

another day?

I know, I say it all the time. Hey, why don't we quit, me and you?

You go first.

Yeah, well, about that pension of yours, Bert.

Wow, is this real mahogany?

Put your cheek up against it. It's so cool.

Hey, I can hear the rain forest.

Drew, why'd you call me in here?

Oh, I was wondering about those kids of yours, Bert. Are they making enough to

start supporting the old man?

That's what's so great about my pension.

I'll never be a burden on my kids.

I bet your kids, Bert, they're ungrateful bastards.

Little one, but the rest are okay.

Yeah, well, listen, Bert, we're cutting back everywhere and everybody's making

sacrifices, so give me a dollar and we'll call it even.

Hey, here it is.

Happy retirement, Bert.

That's what all those crazy questions were about, Drew.

You were just stalling me for the party.

Yeah, what did you think I was going to do, fire you?

As a matter of fact, I got a little something for you myself.

It's $100 ,000.

at a Jew's office. I'm sure he's very busy with his plans to invade Poland.

Oh, I got one. How many Jews does it take?

All right.

It's not worth it.

What is it, Kenny?

Is there another exit, sir?

What are you talking about?

They're organizing, sir. They're fed up with all the new rules and they're

threatening to walk out.

It's pretty ugly out there, sir. Look.

For he's a jolly good man.

They're lampooning you, sir.

Why are they up to me? You're the one that signed the memos. Yeah, but

management's management to them. One suit's just the same as the next.

Don't ever compare your suits to mine.

No, I'd better go out there. It wouldn't look good to have a walk out my first

week in command.

No. I mean, they have guns.

All Americans have guns.

No, sir. What?

I'm not firing anybody.

Not the pensioners, not the rabble -rousers. Nobody's getting fired.

Not the negligent, not the incompetent. You get your mediocre job and you die

there. Then you get a bone spur and you take a year off and the company died.

That's the way we do things in my America, pal.

I lost my point.

Inspiring speech, Kerry.

But if you think for one minute that I'm afraid to go out there and fix things

myself, you're sadly mistaken. Get out of my way.

about the recent changes in policy. I'm doing away with all the new changes.

Yes,

the reign of Cary the Horrible is at an end.

What?

To show you I'm not such a bad fellow, I'll let you choose your own punishment

for questioning my authority.

You humiliated me in front of the whole store.

The least you can do is let me keep the desk and the title.

No, I'm afraid this calls for tough love.

I don't believe in tough love, sir. I believe in fun love.

Fun cupcake love.

Right, you can keep the desk.

I happen to know that he loves his new desk most of all, sir. I saw him kissing

it. I mean, I dropped some sprinkles off my donut.

I just want you to know, sir, that I share your disgust with Drew's spineless

and weak -willed nature.

And just for the record, I'd have no problem with taxation without

representation. Splendid. You have the desk.

Thanks, Mimi.

You're welcome.

I didn't know what you did in there to make him change his mind. All I can say

is, winner, loser.

I'm not going to forget what you did to us, Carrie. I'm not done with

you. Yeah, well, whatever you do, just don't let anything happen to my new

okay?

I love this desk.

And if anything should happen to this desk, like, say, if it went up in

it would kill me.

Hey, Mimi, how do you like your desk?

Medium or well done?

Buzz.

Beer.

Buzz.

Beer. Yeah, well, it's been done.

Did they use frogs?

Yeah.

Man, we had names picked out and everything.

I'm the frog formerly known as Prince.

Enrique Pepado.