Original subtitles

In the shelter.

Good morning, pig.

Morning, Mamie.

Did you do something to your hair? My hair is exactly the same.

Oh, well, I guess the snake's changed colors.

What was that for?

That was for snitching that I was late yesterday.

Okay, fair enough.

Could you do me a favor and give me last year's evaluations from the file

cabinet? I'm not that stupid. You think I don't know that this thing's been

booby -trapped?

Because now I get to be barefoot all day long.

You need some new shoes? I'll make you some.

Now, where did I put my anvil?

Here's your stupid file. You could have just printed out your own copy. I

already entered it in the computer.

What? You've been messing with my computer? What did you do, plant a

No, I helped you open your own pig site. www .big .pig

I'm warning you. If you've been screwing with this...

pity games I have work to do.

Oh, man.

Now we'll know if you touch all the donuts.

What's so funny?

Nothing. I'm just smiling along with you.

Oh, great. Now I need a wet nap.

Well, I always keep a box on hand just in case my prayers are answered and it

starts raining baby back ribs.

You deserve what I put in your top left -hand drawer.

Oh, yeah? You open it.

Wimp.

Ooh, a dirty magazine.

Mimi, I'm so disappointed in you.

Crazy glue injected into your wet naps and a dirty magazine?

Love evaluation time.

Ass, prepare to be kissed.

Drew, I know everyone's going to be sucking up to you today, but I'm just

to be brutally honest, and I know that you're going to give me a fair

evaluation.

First of all, you're losing way too much weight.

You know, I'd be concerned about that too, Kate.

And second of all, you should be careful how often you dull out that thousand

-watt smile.

With no disrespect to Denzel Washington, you are the sexiest man alive.

True eyes being totally sincere.

Gotta go.

Looking hard, swine butt.

Hey, you can't touch those. They're confidential.

It's okay.

Don't worry, I'm not going to look at them except the puff piece you wrote on

your little pencil holder, Lisa.

Wait a minute, this is no balance.

Needs to show more maturity in the managerial area.

Occasionally lacks patience.

Stupid and blind.

I didn't write that.

She's dating you, isn't she?

Hey, Drew.

Thanks, Mimi. I'll take those papers right to the recycling bin for you.

you mean these evaluations? Oh, look, here's Lisa's. I wonder what it says.

Nice try, Mimi, but Lisa's much too secure in her job to want to see her

evaluation. Isn't that right, Lisa?

Secure, yes.

Curious, yes.

We sing I said yes last night, maybe.

No job's worth that, honey.

You didn't write anything bad, did you, Jim? No, in fact, I remember a little

something about asset to the company.

I'll see you tonight for dinner.

Oh, wait, you know, I can't. I'm going clothes shopping with Kate.

Kate wants your advice on buying clothes?

No, I want hers.

We've been doing it every year since high school. She even taught me what

of the gap to shop on.

Actually, I just remembered. I'm going shopping with my friend Antonio tonight.

He wants me to help him pick out a cup.

So she's my best friend.

Yeah, and I'm your girlfriend.

Well, why does this have to make you so crazy?

Hey, don't call me crazy.

Oh, honey.

We're both getting a little upset. I think it's time.

Okay.

What I like most about you is...

Your sense of humor and your sexy voice.

And what I like most about you is you make me laugh and you cry at movies.

That'll do, pig.

That's all he said.

That'll do, pig.

And you knew.

time with Kate, but please remember, things go on clearance for a reason.

Yeah.

Like I'm going to buy yellow spandex pants again after all those papaya

Hey, Drew.

I found this basket on my desk and I'm allergic to muffins.

Oh, you mean just like you were last year on evaluation day? Oh, really?

Is today evaluation day? I didn't know.

I don't know. Let me check.

Anyone have a pen I can borrow?

Yep, it's today.

Well, anyway, I figured, you know, you being the greatest guy in the world and

all...

Oh, sure. Blame the pants.

Come on. How bad could they look?

Well, there was the famous MC Hammer pants incident.

And, of course, Drew was the last actual member of Members Only. Yes.

Okay, I'm coming down.

What's wrong? They look great.

Yeah, but they wrinkle weird.

What do you mean, wrinkle weird?

I don't know. They kind of...

He needs more maturity in the managerial area to be a greater asset to the

company. Oh, well, big top's coming down.

Hey, guys. Hey.

Drew, can I talk to you?

Want to see what I can do with my new pants?

Drew, that evaluation you wrote questions my whole management technique.

I don't think so.

Because I'm your girlfriend, you're worried that people will think you're

playing favorites, so you're tougher on me.

Not exactly.

Not exactly what?

Not exactly. I was being honest.

Sit down, Drew. Show her the trick.

Look, I put some good things in there, too, but I have to be objective. You

know, I take my job seriously.

Wow, you must really think I'm bad at my job.

And how can you call me immature? I wasn't the one in the bathtub yelling,

look, it's a jacuzzi.

The thing I like most about you is... I can see what you like best about me.

You're not walking out on me. You're walking out on my pants.

That is just great.

That's just what Lisa and I need right now.

How'd she get hold of her evaluation anyway?

There's only one person diabolical enough to have done this.

Me.

Who do you think you'd be, Kate?

I'm going to get back at Mimi in a way she will never forget.

She's going to rue the day she ever decided to mess with Drew Carey.

This is my independence day.

Hey, Drew.

I got a big date tomorrow night. Think I can borrow your pants?

I gotta thank you, Chuck.

I could have never rigged up Mimi's desk like this all by myself.

Be careful with that, Drew.

You wouldn't want those to detonate too soon.

I can't believe you got all these instructions right off the internet.

That reminds me. I got to log on and tell Brittany what happened on 90210.

Sorry, Drew.

Lisa wouldn't take any of her gifts. But she did say she'd come up and see you.

By the way, if you're apologizing to somebody, you might want to give them

something better than Chorklets.

What?

They're Belgian chocolates.

No, Beldan Chorklets.

Imitation chocolate substitute.

Man, I got them from the same guy who sold me my brand new Folex. Hey.

Hello, Drew.

Did you want to talk about something work -related, or do you want to give me

diamond nortless?

Okay. I thought about what you said, and you're right.

Maybe I did overcompensate just a little.

I need revaluation because you're my girlfriend.

It's not just that.

It's your job.

I have to know sometimes you'd put me first.

It goes without saying I'd be there for you. Hey, let's take the rest of the day

off. We'll say we're sick.

Today?

I got some pranks I want to watch.

I'm getting back at Mimi for showing you your evaluation.

She didn't show me my evaluation.

Yes, she did.

No, she didn't.

Don't tell me Mimi didn't show your evaluation. I've got trolls about to

explode.

I walked into the sales manager's office, asked to see my evaluation, and

showed it to me.

Oh, my God. I've got to get busy. Honey, why don't you grab your coat and go

downstairs? I'll be just a second. Okay. I can't believe we're doing this.

What I like most about you is if anything explodes, at least I won't be

described as a loner.

Mimi, what happened to you?

None of your beeswax, pinhead.

I'm trying to show some concern. Obviously, you injured one of your hind

I hurt my leg running to get the phone.

It turns out my sister's been rushed into emergency surgery.

She's probably under the knife right now.

Oh. Don't go behind your desk. I mean, uh...

Maybe you should just take the day off.

I can't. I used up all my sick days following KISS on tour.

Well, uh, at least let me get you a more comfortable chair.

Hey, you ready, Jim?

Almost. Okay, I'll wait.

No, that's not necessary.

Look, uh, it'll only be a second. Why don't you just go wait down in the car?

Oh, by the way, I parked in the sun, so you might want to put a towel down in

the car before you sit down.

You are so thoughtful.

It's for you. Of course it's for me. It's my phone. Keep your hands off my

Oh, hi, Mom.

Yeah, I took her to the hospital. They're going to do it right away. Okay,

Touch one more thing and you're going to know how a popsicle feels.

Um, I was just taking your trolls over to my desk because I'm going to take the

day off and I thought you might like to sit closer to the sun because you're

such a beautiful flower.

No way, Drew. I know you. You probably got that rigged or something.

Don't urge yourself in and over. Let me get that.

Hey, Mimi, have you got a pen I can borrow?

Oh, sure.

No, not that one. It's empty.

$15 ,000, $14 ,000.

Tell me about your sister. Is there anything we could do for you?

Well, a little prayer wouldn't hurt.

Insult, man.

Insult, man, for Mimi Bobik from Drew Carey. Oh, my God, I forgot.

Hey, Drew.

Oh, you gotta be Mimi.

That photo of you was black and white, but are those your eyelids or two

bending over?

Oh, look, pal, I think that's enough, okay? Hey, hey, what, did the trailer

cancel the dance?

Look, everybody, I made a bad choice. I scheduled all this stuff yesterday to

get back at Mimi for something that turns out she didn't even do.

It's just that on this day of all days...

Mimi,

I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

You could work for me today.

Sure, anything you want. Just stop crying, okay?

Everybody's everything.

What?

Oh, yeah, but cheer up. My sister's in the hospital. It's just for liposuction.

You made me pray for your sister's liposuction?

And light a candle, because I'm going to get a pedicure.

Sorry, Drew, but you've got to wake up. You could lose Lisa. You left her in a

car and forgot all about her.

Yeah, look, I know I messed up.

You know how hard I am working to make this relationship work.

I just wish I knew if Lisa and I were meant for each other.

There's no way to know.

I mean, how does anybody know what's going to happen in like 20 years?

I know.

In 20 years, there'll be no cars, no money, and sex will be with machines.

So, in other words, for you, almost nothing will change.

Look, you know, I'll be okay. I'll just sleep on it tonight. By tomorrow, I'll

know what to do.

Well, I don't think she's going to wait outside until tomorrow.

Oh, do you want us to stay? Yeah, we'll stay.

We'll be there for you.

Oh,

Lisa, that's so nice of you. You didn't have to do that. You didn't have to

bring me all the stuff I left over at your house.

Well, I thought you might want these things back.

Well, look, let me start by apologizing. True, true.

It's not about that.

It's about, well, everything.

I guess there's only one thing left to do.

Move in together.

What?

I think we should move in together.

You know, let's...

Then our biggest problem is we just don't see enough of each other.

This way we'll see each other all the time. You see, it'll be perfect.

We'll have to get along.

Get along? How will we have to love each other? Why don't we think of this

before?

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