Original subtitles

I gave you say.

It says all annual reports go directly to Mr. Bell's office.

And the one you distributed to the entire store?

All annual reports go directly to Mr. Bell's office.

But I'm sure it's just a typo, sir.

And the CC?

Okay, so the CC to the big jackass probably isn't a typo. But I'm telling

buddy, it's a mistake. It was just all a big mistake.

Do you have any whiteout, sir? I want some respect around here, and I'll get

if I had to talk every one of you Malkitans out on your ears.

It was you, wasn't it?

Oh, my God. I sent out a memo about employees slacking off in the bathroom.

Holy cow.

Oh, is it the one with the picture of you? It sounded topically correct.

I left it blank.

No, Mr. Bell accidentally threw out a confidential memo at me. I'm in the

What does it say?

Oh, my God.

Some Dutch company is going to buy the store.

Why would they want to do that? Business is lousy.

That's exactly why they do it. These foreign companies buy up failing

and they tear them down and put up shopping malls and make millions.

What will happen to us?

You and me personally?

We're going to go through eternity locked in a death grip like Popeye and

The rest of the store gets laid off.

Crap. This is the best job I ever had.

Well, just don't tell anybody. We don't want to start a panic yet.

Yeah, you're right.

Did you hear? The Dutch are buying the store and they're going to close it.

Oh, hey, Kate. You ready for lunch?

Didn't you hear? The store is in Dutch. They may have to sell it.

What'd she say? She said the yogurt in the cafeteria is Dutch chocolate.

I don't know, but Starsky and Hutch are in the cafeteria.

You're kidding. Oh, my God. Does Drew know? I don't know.

Drew, did you hear? The Dutch are buying the store, and they're going to close

it. That's old news. Starsky and Hutch are in the cafeteria. Come on, let's go.

Moon over, bothering my love to me tonight.

Guide her to England underneath your silvery light.

We're going bowling, so don't lose her in soul.

Yes, I know you don't have a head of personnel. That's what I'm talking

want to be the head of personnel.

So who does your hiring?

The head of personnel.

Let me guess, you don't have one.

Give me the manager.

You know, my first act as the head of personnel is going to be to fire this

Don't you think you should just fax these people your resume?

Aw, at least I balanced my desk with people's resumes.

I mean, I did that, but it's also good to have some personal contact.

Come on.

Oh, you've been so busy looking for work, we haven't had much time for

contact. Look, you already have some good job offers. It's easy for you to be

horny.

No,

not you, sir.

Yeah, I was calling regarding the head of personnel.

Yes, I know you don't have a head of personnel.

Wait a second.

You didn't transfer me. You're that same jerk.

Wait till the Dutch come calling. Then the wooden shoe's on the other foot.

Lemoners are impeccable, Drew.

I think a Xerox of your ass would be a nice follow -up.

I have one on file from 82, but my ass has done so much more since then.

There's nothing on the news about the big Dutch buyout, Drew. If something

going on, don't you think we'd hear about it?

I don't know. They're sly ones, the Dutch.

You ever notice how sometimes they call their country Holland and then other

times it's the Netherlands?

People like you, my friend.

You know, the Dutch own more of this country than the Japanese.

But you never hear about it because they sneak in unnoticed.

In fact, one of us could be Dutch and you wouldn't even know it.

All right, I confess I'm a Dutchman.

First they buy up our country, then they ruin my life.

I'd like to tell them a thing or two. Those gouda -eating, tulip -sucking,

century -dominated clogheads.

Ah!

Where's the job hunting going?

Oh, well, I've been offered several executive positions, but I can't decide

where I want to work more, the fryer, the griller, the window.

There just aren't that many sales jobs in the nicer stores. You know, I have

three ex -salesmen hauling boxes for me and my moving company right now.

Hmm. Room for one more, Pumpkin Pants?

Let me see your hands.

What, you don't think I'm tough enough?

No. I just want to hold your hand so you can't hit me when I tell you no.

No, honey, I...

Would you guys calm down? Just because the Dutch bought the store doesn't mean

they're going to close it.

Yeah, but I've seen it happen too many times. I don't want to get caught with

pants down.

Nobody wants that, Drew.

I just hauled a bunch of boxes over to the IX Center. You know, they're having

small business expo there. You guys should check that out.

Hey, that's a good idea.

Hello?

What? Head of personnel?

That's great.

For what salary?

Oh, that's wonderful. What's the location?

Moronville. Yeah.

It's pitch blank. And it's the only place in this crazy world where you can

truly be alone with your thoughts. I gotta try this.

Why can't you just close the doors on a porta potty? What's the difference?

What year is it?

Oh my god, Lewis, you aged.

You look so grotesque.

You're only in there a second, you idiot.

Oh, gee, I forgot to turn the oxygen on again.

Well, I'm sure sometimes when you were a kid, you forgot to take your lunch to

school.

Nope. Sometimes I forgot to get dressed, but I never forgot my lunch.

Well, kids love the idea of lunch in a helium balloon.

Taking a balloon over there?

Oh, hey, look.

It's the Hindenburger.

I had a Mission Impossible lunchbox. I always wanted to be the strong man.

Drew, did you bite that balloon?

No, and I was at the allegation.

My favorite was the rocket that shoots garbage into orbit. Great slogan.

Shoot your crap into space.

Hey, loser.

And friends of the loser who are losers by association.

Hey, Mimi, what are you doing here? Or do you qualify as a small business?

I found another memo.

It's only two more weeks before there's tulips on the desks and prostitutes in

the windows.

Oh, man, I thought I had more time.

Hey, is that cake in that balloon?

What am I going to do here?

Bartender, the usual.

Are you guys interested in starting your own business or just sucking up my

samples?

Sorry, it's just to break beer.

Yeah, it really is.

So, what do you brew these in these little tanks here? How much do one of

things cost?

Well, they start you up with those small barrels back there that cost you about

a hundred bucks.

Boy, brewing your own beer, huh?

Beer, beer, beer.

Hey, we like beer.

Yeah. Everybody likes beer.

Yeah.

You guys think what I'm thinking? Yeah, let's get as much up this guy as we can

and get the hell out of here.

You know, micro -brewing is a big thing right now.

I mean, we all drink Great Lakes beer. That started out in somebody's house.

You know, if we can pull this off, it can support all of us.

Hey, here's my hundred bucks.

I'm starting a business.

Yeah, well, that's just about covering your tap.

Those barrels back there just perfected a flavor of a beer. Now, if you want to

brew beer for profit, you're going to need one of these big babies.

dollars doesn't sound so bad, you know, for starting a business.

I mean, if we all pitched in a little something, I could get a loan on my

Drew, you can't lose that house.

You said it's the only place where you can go to the bathroom.

Yeah, you worked your whole life to build up equity in that house. You're

to risk it all for beer?

Look, I'm tired of playing it safe.

If I want to have my own business, I'm going to take a risk.

I see you found the bell lunch table.

Everyone take a sip and tell me what you think the flavor is.

I'm gonna lose my house. No, you're not.

Hey. Hey, I've got it.

Tidy beer.

Huh? It's blue, and when you throw up, it cleans the toilet.

I'm gonna lose my house.

No, you're not. No, Drew, you're not gonna lose your house. We're all in this

together, and I have a great marketing idea. Jay's gonna be the spokesmodel. He

is? Yeah. I went to a bunch of bars and asked the guys if they'd buy beer with a

man on the label. A lot of them weren't sure, but then I went to one bar.

Oh, the guy said yes.

Hey, baby.

Hey. Hi.

All right, I've got it. Now, I'm not a marketing genius, but I've come up with

container for our beer.

Now, what is more trustworthy, warm, and familiar than a milk carton?

Oh, I'm going to lose my house.

They put everything in milk cartons.

Orange juice, candy, pancake batter.

And it's recyclable.

But it's a milk carton.

Little kids can't read.

Hey, can you see me come out and play? No, I'm sorry, honey. He just had a bowl

of cereal and he's hammered.

Oh, and I suppose you guys came up with the perfect flavor beer.

Well, we'll just have to see. Now, this is my last brew and I think it's my best

yet.

bothered to swallow, you would have seen that there is no aftertaste whatsoever.

Oh.

Hey, the rotten egg taste is gone.

How can you taste anything? You keep taking a sip of coffee between every sip

beer. Hey, it's late. I'm trying to stay awake. You know, when they go pretty

well together, it makes the buzz last longer.

You like that, Drew? I'm not a pork chop.

No.

Coffee and beer.

Coffee flavored beer.

That's perfect.

Coffee and beer. I got a P just thinking about it.

We gotta have a name.

Why don't we call it, Drew put his house on the line so he gets to name the

beer. No.

Or we could call it, Drew Brew.

I want to be sure I can get transferred to one of their other dumps. Yeah, well,

I don't need that, because I've got bigger things brewing.

Goodbye, Mimi.

You know, I just want to say that I know we've teased each other a lot over the

last year, and I truly hope that you live a long, miserable life.

You know, this possibly being the last day and all, I probably ought to tell

I left you a few little surprises that you haven't, you know, triggered yet.

Mimi, there's not a thing...

Well, first off, I've been spitting in the coffee pot.

That's disgusting.

Other people drink from that coffee pot.

Friendly fire.

Oh, the other thing I've been doing is I've been threatening the president in

your name.

please thank you actually there's only one thing I did to you I rest

your hands on the home keys look at the screen

They faxed over your loan papers. All you have to do is sign. Are you sure you

want to do this?

Are you kidding?

This is the paper that's going to set me free.

Stay away from the file cabinet, Kate.

Mimi? No, something she put in there.

Right this way, Mr. Van Houten, sir.

Oh, by the way, I have this keyboard attached to my hand, so I'll always be

working.

of the humor of that comment by my translator.

Perhaps I shouldn't have trusted an East German to polish my zingers.

You know, you have a lot of nerve coming in here, buying things up and putting

all these people out of work. Actually, we've decided to keep everyone below

management. Are you below management, miss?

You bet I am. High five!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You're supposed to high five me.

Yeah.

You're a regular American.

Good. Very, very good.

So you're firing all the management, huh?

Well, that's fine.

Can you see this paper here, Dutchie?

This paper says I don't need this job anymore.

I'm going to start my own business. I'm going to be so successful, I'm going to

buy and sell people like you. You're not fired.

We're interviewing management and deciding who we're keeping on a case -by

basis.

mortgage my house on some beer scheme, and I'm going to need a steady paycheck.

I don't even know if it's going to work. It's a crazy beer and coffee

concoction. Well, that's not so crazy.

I heard that Heineken is releasing a whole line of coffee beers.

They should be in the stores shortly.

What? See?

We do have a sense of humor.

The biggest question is, why have you been in the same job for seven years?

I was taught that if you work hard, you'll get ahead.

And boy, I've been working hard, but I can't get anywhere because nobody ever

leaves this place.

Hell, no one even ever dies.

For a bunch of beefy Midwesterners, we sure hold on a long time.

Then why didn't you leave?

Well, you know, I love this place.

My mom used to take me here when I was a kid.

You know, if you flush all the toilets at once, you can get scalding water out

of the drinking fountains.

Oh, this spear thing. Are you really going through with it?

Yeah, I figure what the hell.

It's about time I tried something crazy.

I respect that.

I always wanted to do something crazy.

But you'll forgive me if I hope you're not successful.

Because I'd like you to stay with us here at Winfred Lauder.

You mean I can keep my job?

Oh, thank you, Herr Sir.

Just one.

I see you finally got the keyboard off your hand.

You're paying for this, idiot.

Yes, I can pay for it. I still have my job.

So do I, pig.

The Dutch boys just told me they're keeping me on. I laughed at that stupid

Halen thing.

Well, then if you're not fired, then who is?

question more stupidly?

Just hold on just one second, because there's a few things I've written down

say to you in the event of your early demise.

Really?

What happened, Carrie?

Did the wizard give you some courage?

All right, here we go.

Let's see.

Oh, that's kind of spiteful.

Never met your mother.

A dated Saddam Hussein reference.

You know what?

You just lost a job. It's hard out there. Good luck.

Thanks, Gary.

I appreciate that.

By the way, you shake hands like a little ballerina.

The name is Buzz Beer, the one he dunked donuts in.

It's got that bean.

It's got caffeine.