Original subtitles

My poor sister.

There's no worse hell than when your mother doesn't like who you're dating.

So, what have you told your folks about me?

Oh, you know, the usual.

You haven't told them.

Call your mother right now.

It's long distance. They live in Florida.

Do it now.

This is crazy.

She's going to miss her stories.

Hi, Mom.

It's Drew.

Yeah, oh, yeah, everything's fine. I just called to tell you I met a girl,

she's beautiful.

No, not just in my eyes.

Let me put you on speakerphone so you can talk to her yourself.

No, no, no, you don't.

Mom? He says he met someone, George.

He's probably going to do that fake girl voice again.

I feel like eating now.

Your mom thought I was a guy.

I wouldn't feel so bad, but it's not the first time it's happened to me.

breaking down the barriers of communication.

Tom Crewson. Wow, you're Tom Crewson. You're what I was brought here to

you people, and I'm breaking down the barriers of communication.

You're Drew Carey, right? Yeah, how'd you know?

They said look for the big guy with food all over him.

You want to introduce me to the office?

Yeah, hey everybody, can I have your attention?

Drew, stop yelling. The walls are down. Wipe yourself.

This is Tom Crewson. He's a motivational speaker, and the board of directors has

brought him in here to help us shake this sales slump.

I need you all to give him your attention and respect.

You missed a spot on the back of your neck. Thanks.

Tom? Now, I don't have to tell you people these are hard times.

This store is on the brink of collapse.

Oh, I'm sorry, that's next week at Barney's.

But this store isn't out of the woods either.

Your board of directors has to choose between downsizing... Oh, stop it!

...or increasing productivity.

Now, I'm here to help you do the latter, and we are going to start with a more

open exchange of ideas.

Can you see this?

Now, this is your worst enemy.

From now on, I want to see face -to -face communication

between all departments.

Now, I don't care if you're in payroll.

You might have a good idea about sales.

I don't care if you're a janitor. You might have a good idea about

I'm in security, and I have a good idea about women's shoes.

You have issues.

Now, I want to hear some solutions.

If this were my store, I would... No. If this were my store, I would... No. If

this were my store, I would... Kill everyone.

Thank you.

All right. I think you get the idea.

Friends, you have been wonderful.

I hope to see you all at my seminar tonight at 6 .30 and grab my new book

your way out. It's a mystery, sort of a departure for me, but the killer is very

motivated.

If this were my store, I'd be a lot happier because I'd be rich.

You'll never own a store because you're too eager to please.

Work on that.

I hate you.

Much better.

Man,

have you lit a fire under me. I am motivated. If this were my store, I

Sell to the Japanese for a big profit, buy a huge house, and marry a supermodel

because I know she'd love me just for me.

That aside, can I ask you a question?

Drew, do you have a question or an answer?

I'm pretty sure if it goes up at the end, it's a question.

real go -getter. I'm a mover and a shaker here. How come I've been stuck in

same job for seven years?

Well, have you gone to your boss and told him what you want?

Yeah, like a thousand times. And do you keep bouncing your head against the same

wall? Yeah.

If you keep hitting the same wall, go around it. You see, there's a whole

of people above your boss, Drew.

You've got to get their attention. But you're invisible here.

Where's Drew? I can't see him. He's invisible.

Except for that spot of barbecue sauce on the inside of your nose.

Sorry, it gets to the bloodstream faster that way.

This store needs ideas.

Now, someone has to come up with those ideas. Is it going to be you?

My dad always said, if you keep your head down, you'll work forever.

Your dad's a moron.

Now, lose some weight. No one respects fat people.

Wow.

You have the courage to say what others only say with their eyes.

Now, you go get that promotion, Drew, so I'll be able to see you. And you can

get their attention by... nothing.

board of directors that i have the drive and ambition to become the head of

personnel give it to us big boy hold on to your hats

all you can buy day a customer comes in he puts down five

hundred dollars he gets to keep whatever he can carry out in half an hour drew i

can carry out about 500 diamond rings all right then no jewelry yeah i could

carry a couple camcorders in a microwave all right then no appliances i'd roll

around in the fur coats

and queen for a day, Oswald.

Oh, right, so it's a lousy idea.

But I gotta come up with something. I want this job more than I've ever wanted

anything. More than pubic hair when you were 12?

Sure, like I got to use that the next eight years.

When do you actually use it? Oh, it's like lettuce under the fruit plate. It's

just there for presentation.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I come up with anything?

Oh, it's not just you.

America's lost its way.

We're moving too far to the left.

Not politically, just too far to the left.

I just got to put myself under more pressure.

Look, if I don't come up with something in 60 seconds, somebody punch me.

I'm sorry, we have lousy internal clocks.

You know, Drew, there's this guy at Drug Co. who wanted attention, so he blew

off his boss's head and carried it around in a bowling bag all day.

Drew, these guys are businessmen. All they really care about is if he can make

them a buck.

Yeah, I guess you're right, but so what's wrong with Winford Louder? How

people don't shop there?

I know it's their name, Winford Louder. It sounds so stuffy and expensive.

Not like Chuck E. Cheese.

You hear a name like Chuck E. Cheese and you know you're going to have some fun.

And some cheese.

Hey, how about a mascot?

Then people will associate us with something warm and inviting instead of

money and greed.

It's a great idea. We tried a mascot at Drug Co. A lab rat named Little Druggie.

One day he got really high and moved to San Francisco.

He's got a coffee shop there now.

What's his name? Ratbox.

I haven't heard one thing in this meeting that's going to stop this sales

I didn't work my husband to death so that you bootlegs could fritter this

business away.

It's only going to take a second.

Barry, what the hell are you doing in here? Look, I'm sorry to barge in like

this, but it's impossible to get an appointment. And Tom Crewson said we

come to you if you had any ideas.

Look, this will only take a minute, okay?

This is a great department store. It's a wonderful tradition in Cleveland.

So why aren't people shopping here?

Well, forgive me for saying this, but this place is about as old and stuffy

as... Let's just say it's old and stuffy.

Well, if you want to get people into the store, you've got to lighten things up

a little. You know, humanize it. With what?

What's more human than animals?

Ad campaigns using animals are huge.

You've got the Energizer Bunny, the Hush Puppy Hound, Tony the Tiger.

Count Chocula.

Not an animal, but thanks for playing.

Look, we get real animals to be the mascots and use them to do commercials.

Like in that movie, Babe.

We'll make them look like they're really talking. You mean John Goodman wasn't

really talking in Babe?

Well, I'm a lousy artist and I couldn't find the right puppets to save my life.

So... Satan! Oh, I like this.

I'm louder than a bull. Strong, straightforward, and ready to charge.

18 .5 % interest. We'll talk about that later.

Oh, I wonder what's going to be next. I hope it'll be a monkey.

Nope.

It's Winfrey the Camel.

Because I'm going to bust my hump to make you a satisfied customer.

Either that or we'll spit on you.

So what do you think?

I hate to think I look this stupid for nothing.

It's risky.

But then so is every time I stand up in the tub.

Get with our advertising people. I want to see storyboards on that commercial.

You mean you're going to do it? Great. Thank you so very much. You know, and

going to get you some sticky flowers for your bathtub because I want you to live

to see this.

Oh, my throat's a little parched. Do you mind if I, uh... Woo!

Man, I want to put an olive in that, sir.

Say it louder. What's the best place to shop in town?

No louder.

What's the best place to shop in town?

You're making all my stomachs sick.

We go the distance to bring you big savings at Winford Louder. And that's no

ball. Take it from me.

I can't believe it. It's wonderful.

It's genius.

You know, Drew, usually people wait for other people to tell them that. Oh, to

tell them what?

That you're a genius.

Thank you, I know.

And you are going to get to sleep with a genius.

Really? And you won't get mad?

You did good, Drew.

You did real.

All right,

all these years, I thought you could get ahead by working hard and keeping your

nose to the grindstone.

Hard work is for suckers. You hear that, kids?

boardrooms like a mile long.

Shop by candlelight? Uh -huh.

We'll turn off all the lights in the store, give everyone a candle.

It'll be really romantic.

You know, that's perfect.

Hey, so why don't you call it the shoplifting night?

Or the great Cleveland department store fire in 96.

Drew, can I speak to you for a moment?

Alone? Oh, we'll see you later, Drew.

And I think it'd be fun to shop by candlelight. Yeah, and if it doesn't

out, we'll just have

Drew, I know you're busy with this commercial stuff, and I'm sorry to

you, but I need more overtime.

Oh, you know, I want to help, Nora, but I've already given you more than I

should. I need it, Drew.

This is what I'm saving up for.

I'm buying myself a lumberjack.

Is that legal? Who cares? Look at him.

I can't believe you could just buy a man.

Drew, I'm lonely.

You can relate.

Help me.

All right, I'll do what I can.

I'll try and bend a few rules for you.

Hey, this prospector's not too bad looking. I'm a troll cookie here.

I need to talk to you, Drew. Hello, Nora.

Who's looking for a man?

Drew.

Hey, you want to see my commercial again?

No, I don't need to. I've seen the testing. It's wonderful.

You made us take one risk, and now we're going to take another. We're giving you

a promotion.

Whoa! Finally,

head of personnel.

No, I'm making you head of promotions.

Wow, what a nodder. Head of promotions and head of personnel.

No, just head of promotions.

But I'm a personnel guy. I do personnel. Yes, and your flair for personnel has

kept you at the same desk for seven years.

You've shown us a spark, Drew.

I don't want to sound ungrateful. You know, it is a great honor, but what if

doesn't work out? I mean, can I get my old job back? Oh, you'll have to discuss

that with my nephew, Ian, the new assistant director of personnel.

Well, he's only 21. How did he... Oh, your nephew, Ian.

We'll need three more great ideas by Friday.

This Friday?

Every Friday.

A damn board of directors wouldn't know a good idea.

bit him in the ass.

Tattoo day.

Free pizza day.

How about mustache day?

Okay, guess your weight day.

Guess my weight day.

I only have one good idea.

What do people want from me? Lots of guys built their career from one idea.

The whiteout guy, the post -it note lady, Pauly Shore.

You can do it, Drew.

You're creative.

You're the man who came up with the idea for the foot -wide hot dog.

Yeah, too bad I ate the prototype.

Kate, I'm really in deep here. I don't even want this job. And somebody else

my job. And if I don't come up with something, I am on the street.

Well, you can't worry about that now. You've got to take care of this.

You're right.

Can't feel sorry for myself.

Ideas.

Ideas. What do mascots need?

Best friends, of course. A beaver.

You know,

Miss O 'Brien, you remind me of another headstrong young lady who once sat in

that chair, smoked a cigar, and dreamed of running the store.

The commercial's a success. People are actually coming into the store and

to see the camel and the bull.

We're very anxious to see your latest brainstorm.

Well, it's not a beaver and a lizard, I'll tell you that.

We'll give the people what they want.

We'll bring the camel and the bull from the commercial into our store for a

personal appearance.

Oh, that's good.

So he wasn't a one -shot wonder. I owe you ten bucks, Dotty.

Deducted from the career you owe me, Hammond. Shut up.

Have you ever seen anything like a mob downstairs?

There's so many people we're going to have to bring the animals in through the

basement. It's like they've never seen a camel and a bull together before.

They haven't. They don't coexist in nature anywhere.

What would happen if a camel and a bull got into a fight?

A bull would when he's got the horns.

But the camel's faster and has a superior reach.

But if the camel lures...

The desert.

Gee, no wonder so many people want to see these animals. There's so much

speculation. My God, you guys are idiots.

Drew, I need you. Now.

Oh, please tell me you got a fight with a really angry shopper. We got a

problem, Drew.

All the animals are upstairs in the boardroom. What?

They're supposed to be downstairs, chained to a pole, being poked at by

children and crapping on the floor.

We tried to get them onto the freight elevator, but the camel pushed all the

buttons. We ended up on the top floor. The door's open.

The animal's bolted.

Where's the trainer?

Oh, did I mention that bolting included kicking the trainer right in his king

tuts?

Oh, man. Did you call the zoo?

The zoo? That'd take forever. I called the police.

That's not police. Don't kill him. Damn right. I want my cufflinks back.

Wow. All of a sudden, I feel like a beer and a cigarette.

If we get out of here alive, you're fired.

All right, but you're going to be missing out on a lot. I've got a lot of

ideas, like Winfred and Louder here.

Chuck, shoot them.

I can't shoot an innocent animal, ma 'am.

Then shoot Drew.

Yes, ma 'am.

Okay, we got an idea. Now, it's crazy, but it just might work. We need to clear

a path from the bull to the door.

Well, thanks for coming to get me.

The camel, I just don't want the two of them ganging up on me.

All right, come on, Humpy, let's go.

I'm sick of you offering cigarettes to our nation's youth.

Let's go, let's get out of here.

Move it, move it, move it. Oh, on the other hand, they only make us cancer.

Don't let them lure you into the desert.

Look at that. They gave that motivational guy $25 ,000 to tear down

and they're putting him right back up.

At least my idea got a call from Bob Saget.

At least they gave you your job back.

Yeah, thank God there's some sense of justice.

They must have weighed my seven years of hard work against the little louder

boys two weeks of brown -nosing and booted them out.

Ian Lauder didn't get booted out. They made him vice president of marketing.

Oh, why don't I take brown -nosing in college?

Come on, Drew. You're not really that upset about this, are you?

No, not really.

Besides, he's going nowhere.

There's too many other highly qualified, blood -sucking nephews ahead of him.

You know what?

I'm going to work even harder to get that promotion.

It's mine.

Drew, can we talk?

I'll see you later, Drew.

I just wanted to thank you for reinstating my overtime.

Now I can afford a lumberjack with ten fingers who speaks English.

Couldn't have it to a nicer girl.

Congratulations, Nora.

You know, Drew, if I weren't so uptight and scared of my emotions, I'd kiss you

right now.

What the hell?

I'm glad you're back.

You in trouble, dip squat.

There's an angry mob downstairs expecting a bull and a camel.

Gee, where's your parents when you really need them?

Yeah, you can make jokes now, doughboy, but you're not going to be joking when

you find out what Mrs. Louder wants you to do.

Oh, look, here comes Chuck.

Now.

Put your suit on, Louder.

How come I have to be the bull?

Because I got the gun.

Cut. All right, everybody, let's take five. Leave the animals. on the set.

You're tipping on my lines, man. Hey, at least I didn't relieve myself in the

middle of the scene.

You want to make something of it? I could kick your butt from here to

Are you talking to me?

Are you talking to me?

Oh, yeah, that's a good De Niro.

Uh -huh. Come here.

I want to show you something in the desert.

Oh, not again.