Original subtitles

Coming, Lisa.

Excuse me, ma 'am. Did you order the white meat?

Hey, Drew.

What's with the ribbon?

Just kidding. It's the first time we could date without fear of losing our

I now declare this relationship officially open. Hello.

Later on, Noel Beck from the Daytime Soap Loving will be here to sign

autographs, and then you'll have all the soft serve you can handle.

Soft serve, huh? I thought that was just because you were drinking.

Oh, no, actually... Oh, man.

Now I'm out of soft serve.

Is that my mother?

Happy birthday, Kate.

Yeah. She sounds stressed.

Is she okay about us having dinner with her mom tonight? Actually, she's

handling it pretty well.

Hey, bet you can't ignite just one.

Just killing mom before time gets here.

I mean, killing mom before time gets here.

I'm just killing mom before time gets here. There we go.

And what are you laughing at, McGigglepuss?

I'm sorry.

Is it Soviet Housewife Day?

My mom gave me these clothes. If I don't wear them on every birthday, I hear

about it for the next ten years.

Thanks. Oh, by the way, do not mention that I have a boyfriend.

What, Jay's not coming?

No way. I am too serious about him to introduce him to my mother.

That's her. I am not here.

Come on, Jay. No, I am sick. I can't. My grandma died. I'm having my period.

My alarm didn't go off. I was caught in traffic. I was on a plane to Chicago.

Hi, Mommy.

Hi, honey.

Happy birthday.

Oh, look, I see one New Year's resolution that made a trip to Baskin

While I was there, I picked up my new girlfriend. Mrs. O 'Brien, this is Lisa.

Oh, so you're the lucky girl who landed Drew.

No, actually, I just fed him once and he followed me home.

How's my little birthday, girl?

Great. I'm doing bad at work and I'm not seeing anyone.

Kate, your life's a disaster, but at least you'll look great.

Yeah. All right. I wouldn't be surprised if it's another sweater. Happy

birthday.

Ooh, I hope this is the one that lands me a man.

Hey, uh, you know, as long as you're here, why don't I get you my receipts so

you can help me get started on my taxes?

Receipts? Aren't we growing up?

Well, this is a step up. Last year you kept your receipts in a chicken bucket.

Drew, these are warranties. Oh, I'm sorry.

Two -for -one specials, big ideas, things that kind of look like

Oh, there you are, you naughty, naughty boy.

Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight.

Guide her to Cleveland, underneath your silvery light.

We're going bowling, so don't lose her in Solon.

Moon over Parma.

So you guys doing your taxes, sir? Yep. And I have figured out a

way to take the granddaddy of all deductions.

I am going to become Oswald's illegal guardian.

Hey, are you crazy? You can't adopt an adult.

If you could, I would have adopted Anna Nicole Smith years ago and raised her

right.

Au contraire.

All I have to do is prove that Oswald is incompetent.

Who's crazy now?

Certainly not Louis.

Hey, guys.

Hey. So what's up?

Louis is going to become my legal guardian.

Yeah.

You know, Kate, it'd be great if your mom could help us pull this off.

Oh, nice thing to say about a woman who's been institutionalized for the

years.

What are you talking about, institutionalized? Drew and Kate went

with her last night.

Oh.

Why don't you get Daddy a Jägermeister? Okay.

So, what is this?

You don't want me to meet your mom?

You know, if you're embarrassed of me, just come right out and say it. I think

she just did.

I'm just trying to protect you. My mother thinks I'm attracted to all the

men. She'll be looking to find any little fault in you.

Relax. Moms love me. They always have.

First off, they're women.

And I'm... Well, I'm me.

Plus, I'm polite, I'm hardworking, I'm stable. Yeah, Kate, you finally met a

you can take home to mom. What's not polite?

I'd lose a earring.

I'd take the hair down an inch.

And how about a skosh more room in those jeans?

Believe me, it's not the jeans, it's the skosh.

So,

what do you say, Kate?

Can I meet her?

All right, to prove how much I love you, we'll go.

But just have Oswald kick you in the skosh. She'll feel like you met her.

That's my boy.

Hey, Mrs. O 'Brien, that was a great meal. What was the name of that soup

I told you already.

But we forgot.

Cockle stew.

What stew?

Cockle, cockle, cockle.

What are you, 13?

Oh, look, let's get back to my taxes.

Now, do you think there's any way we can prove that Oswald's mentally

incompetent? I think it would be harder to prove that he's not.

We're gonna be rich!

You know, there are other ways to get rich. You could use your God -given

talents.

Oswald, you used to play the piano so beautifully.

What happened to your poetry?

I'm still a poet.

Want to hear a limerick with the word cockle in it?

Anybody like an after -dinner drink?

Yeah. Sure, I'll have one.

Oh, really?

Would you like the whole bottle?

Mr. O 'Brien, perhaps the brightest ray of sunshine that your daughter's brought

into my life is that I no longer have to drink alone.

Oh.

You might as well take the bottle now.

Here, let me give you a hand. Clean it up. No, sit down.

Boy, you're well -trained. Mother or ex -wife?

A little of both.

Well, those things happen.

So, how long you been divorced?

Uh, it's been a while, about four months.

Huh. Hey!

Do you guys want to see my room? Mom kept it exactly how I left it.

It's like I'm dead.

Wow!

Hey, Drew, give me a hand with the dishes.

Yeah, but Jay offered... Drew!

Yes, Mrs. O 'Brien.

So, uh, what do you think of Jay? He's a pretty nice guy, huh? Actually, he

scares the life out of me.

No, Oswald's the one with the curly hair.

Drew, the guy just got divorced.

He'll latch on to any woman that pays him attention because he misses having a

wife. And then, when he realizes how much fun it is to be single again, he'll

move on. You know her. He's going to break her heart.

No, he won't. I've known him since high school.

Really? So what was he like in high school?

He broke a lot of hearts, but, you know, people change.

I mean, Jay's not going to hurt her.

Why? Because he's your friend?

No, there's secret reasons.

Can't tell you.

Drew?

Bye, gotta go. Look me in the eye.

Do you really have a secret reason?

No. Do you want to see Kate get hurt again?

No. Are you the one that painted pubic hair on my garden gnomes?

No, I mean, yes.

So you'll talk to Kate?

Yeah, I'll talk to her.

Kate? gut master.

Hi, Mimi.

Say, uh, anyone ever mistake you for a woman?

I'll have you know that men find me... Yeah, I know. They find you with the

lights out, or they find you at last call, or they find you blocking the view

the woman they want to hit on.

Oh, you're really on today. I'll come back later.

Don't wait six months for that setup.

Hey, Kate.

Hey. I've been looking all over for you. You know, I had a little talk with your

mother yesterday.

About what?

Oh, you know, the city dump.

Dump trucks. When Jay's going to dump you. Nuclear dumping.

Dump it, dump it, dump it, dump it.

Damn it. I don't believe her.

Look, she just got me concerned. You know, Jay's just coming off a divorce. I

mean, he's a good friend and a nice guy. But, you know, he is on the rebound.

All right.

What are you trying to say?

That I'm not worthy of having a nice guy become seriously interested in me?

Is that it?

Do you want me to prove it to you? Don't do anything crazy.

Look, here comes Jay now. He's probably going to prove us both wrong.

And he's smiling.

He's happy Jay. Come and talk to happy Kate.

Kate, bad news. I can't make it Saturday night.

I got an out -of -state move, but it won't be long. It's just some guy who's

moving out while his girlfriend's at work.

Some guys are such cowards. Excuse me.

Okay, if I come with?

I mean, it'd be a great chance to sit and talk.

Sure, I'd love to have you along, Kate.

I'm just guessing what you're going to say. Go ahead.

But I don't have room in the cab.

Yeah, but you'd have room if you liked to pet it on it, wouldn't you, buddy?

Hear what I'm saying? Fire in the hole!

Drew, relax.

Jay and I are just having a little conversation about a trip.

So, after this trip...

How long do you see us being together?

Wow.

I don't know. My ex -wife asked me that once, and I said forever. Well, and that

didn't last, so forever.

So that's the level of your commitment?

Forever? Well, I'd go beyond that, but that's not scientifically possible.

Oh, you and your facts.

Kate, don't push me. I'm not ready for this.

Jay, I want you to tell me where you think this relationship is going.

Now.

Fine. I'm out of here.

Jake, if you don't come back right now, you can keep walking.

I'll be back any second. Look, here he comes.

Ah, he's bluffing. He's gone.

I blew it, Drew.

So, uh, who are you mom mad at?

Mom me, or would you mother not say?

I am bringing all these clothes back, and I want my pony.

Hey, what's wrong?

You know what's wrong. You used my best friend to try to break up my

relationship. Just wanted Drew to warn you. You haven't listened to me since

were ten years old.

You can't keep interfering with my life.

I only sent Drew because I was worried about you.

Worried about what? Jay is the most wonderful man I've ever met in my life.

Fine, if you want me to, I'll meet him again and get to know him better.

You can't. He left me.

I'm sorry. It'll be okay.

If only there was some way that we could anticipate these things.

Oh, yeah, I guess we could listen to our mother.

Can't you ever stop? Not when I see you making the same mistake over and over.

And the perfect guy is right under your nose.

What are you talking about?

Drew. Have you ever thought about dating him?

You know, your father was my best friend. We were very happy.

You're right.

You know, I should call Drew right now and see if he wants to start a

relationship. Of course, it's the end of the world and my mom's been chugging

cough syrup again.

No, I never thought about dating Drew. In the first place, Drew's in a

relationship. In the second place, Drew's... Drew!

So what's the matter? He's too stable?

He's got too good of a job. Oh, he treats you too nicely.

You know, I think you better stop looking at the guys with the tightest

and start looking at Drew.

Hey, I'm sure Drew's butt is plenty tight.

Oh, now you have me thinking of Drew's butt.

Just for that?

Grammy's legs.

Katie, Grampy's weepy eye.

You're just...

Hey, anybody want another drinky food? Yeah.

Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my rumpus room?

I think we're fine.

Hey, how's the adoption coming along?

Stupid Oswald passed the competency test. Thank you, normal functioning

That's Dr.

Normal Functioning Adult to you, sir.

Now you hang in there, tiger.

Fine, where wouldn't I be? Men are slime.

Amen to that, sister.

Besides, this stupid J, I promise myself I am not going to cry without loser.

Besides,

I can't have any man in this bar, am I right?

She's been drinking.

And I know there's not a man in this bar that would take advantage of a woman

who's been drinking. I have a gun.

We still got time. Let's get a few more pictures.

Yo! You and Lewis don't have to work first thing in the morning when me and

do. We're calling it a night.

Oh, you giving up, you big baby?

Fine. Go home and crawl into your rubber sheets.

I'm staying.

So am I.

Hey, honey.

They got Kiss from a Rose.

No. Not Kiss from a Rose. That was Jay of my song.

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you going to be okay?

Well, if you mean by okay, am I going to weep uncontrollably, girl, into a fetal

position, then sure, I'll be okay.

Oh, man.

Hey, listen, pal.

Listen, my friend is just kind of going through a little bit of a rough time

there, you know.

If you play that song, it's just going to about kill her.

That's my girl's song.

And I'm going to Bosnia tomorrow.

I'm planning on proposing to her right in the middle of the song.

Look, there's plenty of other romantic songs on the thing. Look, there's, uh,

Dude Looks Like a Lady.

G -Bird.

Uh, Cop Killer.

Listen, man, I'm playing the Seal song, so get out of my face.

Whatever, dude.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, you know, I'm an idiot.

Of course you have every right to play this song for your girl.

And you know what?

It's on me.

Oh.

Drew, you saved my life.

Oh.

You know what?

Huh? She didn't even have a song.

Oh, you have a caller.

Don't let him play red.

So, what song are we going to be listening to for the next half hour?

I don't know. Whatever K -9 is.

Are we there yet?

I told you.

We got a flat tire 20 minutes ago.

Well, the cab's still moving.

I made a deal with the guy. He's not charging us for the spinning.

Drew,

thanks for driving around with me and talking.

That's all right.

You know, if we get home right now, we'll still have 15 minutes to clean to

beds before we have to go to work.

Oh, sorry.

Hold my hand.

Are you going to throw up again?

I didn't say hold my hair. I said hold my hand.

It's okay, Kate.

I'll be other guys.

Of course, your mom will hate him, but, you know, eventually she'll be dead.

So how serious are you and this Lisa girl?

Okay, you know, all relationships are different. You can't judge yours by

going on with mine.

You think he'll marry her?

I don't know. We're not that far along yet.

Kiss me.

What?

Kiss. Hey, you don't know what you're saying. You're drunk and you've been

throwing up.

What? My mom says I should be dating you. I think she's right.

I always say I should be dating someone exactly like you. And who's more like

you than you? Tell me that, you.

Well, I don't know what to say.

It would have been nice if you had told me this a long time ago.

Eh, we probably would have started dating and broken up, and I would have

my best friend.

Besides, you need a guy who's more like Jay, you know.

I mean, this could work out, but, you know, you have to be drunk all the time.

Okay.

You know, I covered for you on those garden gnomes.

But...

We're even because I'm going to take 50 bucks out of your purse to pay for the

cabaret.

Hi, Drew.

Hey, how are you feeling?

Um, not so good.

About last night, you know I was drunk, right?

You were drunk?

Oh, no. What am I going to do with this ring?

I already broke up with Lisa.

I told my mother she was so happy.

How could you do this to me?

I suppose the sex didn't mean anything to you either.

Drew? What?

You had so much to drink you couldn't get your eyelids up.

Thanks for understanding.

So why am I here and who am I meeting?

I can't tell you yet.

You did this?

You got Jay and my mom together and had them come down here?

Or wait, are they dating?

We were talking.

I called your mom and I asked her if your acting crazy had anything to do

what went on the night before.

Exactly so. I was honest with him. I told him that I liked him fine, but that

you had your doubts.

We saw right through that, which led to a big screaming fight, which led to

spaghetti leftovers.

He's okay.

I can't believe this.

What did you say to make her change her mind?

I told her that I love you.

I never hurt you.

And I hope this goes on forever.

Oh, and I hired her as my accountant.

See? Everything worked out just the way I planned it. Drew, you had nothing to

do with this. We just came down here to ask you out to lunch.

Oh, so I guess that means you're buying, huh?

You can afford it, right?

A lot more than you can, Drew.

You owe $213 .83.

Oh, well, isn't that great?

What a country.

You get a boyfriend, you get a new client, and I get screwed.

Oh, God bless America.

You guys go ahead and clear out of here. I got something to do. I'll meet you

down at the restaurant.

So why'd you call me up here in the first place? I'll explain to you later.

did your mom just grab Jay's butt?

Hey, where's this cake?

I'm dying to meet her.

Look, man, I'm sorry. I just can't introduce you to you now.

It's kind of a bad time.

You said it was just what you was looking for.

You're a good -looking guy. You meet other women.

Hey, you kidding, man? I have to pay women to go out with me.

All right, get the hell out of here, buddy.

So much crap, they had to start a second pile.

Ode to Mrs. O 'Brien by Lewis.

Your love is eternal and infinitely true.

Your wisdom and encouragement has guided us through.

We bow to your beauty and intellect, too.

Cockle, cockle.