Original subtitles

So, whose little puppy are you, huh?

Oh,

this is Wolfgang, our newest graduate of the training school.

Wow, right out of school and you get a job? Who's it like to do, huh?

I'd back off on the sarcasm, Drew.

Wolfie here is trained to kill.

Anyone not in a uniform, that is.

Hey, by the way, anyone know what's attack word? Oh, I think it was attack!

Relax,

Drew, we wouldn't use such an obvious word.

Oh, by the way, that's real good.

Make a lot of jerky movements in the dog's peripheral vision. Yeah, real

Yeah. How about a little game?

Let's see how many attack words we can guess before we hit the right one.

Sick 'em.

Kill.

Mangle. Mane.

Destroy.

Oh, man.

I wish I'd ever called a shotgun.

We don't usually lend out clothes from our mannequin displays, but I'm sure we

can make an exception in this case, Mr. Perry.

You smell like flea dip.

That's fear.

Lucky he only went for your arm.

Well, my arm was blocking what he really wanted.

Well, in a couple of weeks, I'll be able to go after what I really want. Yeah?

You mean this?

No. I mean dating you after you make me head of the personal shopper department.

No, I have to interview other people for the job.

Oh, I know that.

So, uh, I have a brag.

I'll go get it.

Ooh, hope it tickles.

Because I'll need a good laugh when you find out who else I promised this job

to.

Hey. Hey, man. Sorry we're late. Oswald thought he heard another package

ticking. What was it, a clock?

No, it was a bomb.

Ready for lunch?

Yeah, I'll meet you down there. I'm just going to throw myself out the window.

You know, when they talk about it first, they almost never do it. I know.

There's a little problem here. It's all because some board member decides that

you want somebody to head up a personal shopper department.

What's a personal shopper?

No, you got to shop for rich people who are too busy to do it for themselves.

Okay, but who gets to keep the stuff?

So what's the problem? Nobody wants the job?

No, everybody wants the job, but I kind of promised it to Kate.

Hey!

And Lisa.

But Mr. Bell is pushing for Mimi.

Wait, it gets worse. I still haven't told everybody what's really going on

What kind of sound do you want here, Drew? We don't really have one for guys

screwed.

What did I do to deserve this?

You know, Lisa can finally get a job in management so we can start dating

without breaking any stupid company rules, and Kate wants the same job. It's

best friend versus a great relationship.

It's kind of like on Saturdays when they used to show bikini movies on Channel 3

and women in prison movies on Channel 5.

Hey, guys. Hey.

Hey, cookies.

Fake with love for my best friend in the whole wide world.

Oh, look, a little Drew.

Yes.

little sweater. Oh, don't eat that one. My cats are on the kitchen counter.

I hope this isn't a bribe because there's really no guarantees here.

Ta -da!

Wow,

great cake.

Maybe it's a bribe like your cookies.

What does Lisa need to bribe him for? She's not up for the personal shopper

Oh, yeah, I am.

You can't be.

He promised it to me.

How could he do that?

He promised it to me.

Well... Put a bomb on a plane.

So?

Drew, I can't believe you did this. I haven't got a chance at getting this job

now. She's your girlfriend.

And by the way, why is your girlfriend bribing you? This isn't for Drew.

It's for Oswald.

Oh, for what?

Well, it's not my birthday, but tomorrow is the 17th anniversary of the death of

my first dog.

The same day I learned to drive.

We're not going to fight over a job.

What if we provided a cage?

Look, I'm sorry you turned out this way, but, you know, we have to be all adults

here and realize that only one of you is going to get the job.

You'll each be provided with a leotard and a spear.

Your hands will be bound by soft coffee cups.

Look, I promise I won't drag this out. I'll make up my mind by one o 'clock

tomorrow, and then I'm going to cover my crotch and run to Puerto Rico.

I guess it's down to just Lisa and me?

Yeah. It's down to you and Lisa.

And Mimi.

What? Mimi?

She's the rudest person I ever met.

Hey, now she may be the most vile person to ever walk the face of the earth, but

if my boss wants to shove her down my throat and make me give her a chance,

hey, that's my decision and I'm sticking to it.

Oh, good luck, Kate.

Hey, um, no hard feelings even if you lose, right?

Even if I lose.

Here.

Have a cookie.

Oh, how cute.

Drew in a fuzzy little sweater.

Before we get started, Max, can I get you a cup of coffee?

retire so I can move Kate up in cosmetics.

I heard you wanted a personal shopper's job.

Yeah, but only because Max will move his riding carcass out of cosmetics.

If I can jumpstart that carcass for you.

I wonder how many of those it would take to take down Mimi.

So, Max, tell me, how long have you been managing the old cosmetics department?

Three, four hundred years?

Fifty -four years. What's your point?

My point is, you've done a...

Great job, but maybe it's time you, you know, go home and watch your grandkids

retire.

Drew, I'm an 84 -year -old man who works in cosmetics.

I don't have any grandchildren.

What about all the employees that are waiting to move up, Max?

Look, I really need this. It would make life so much easier if I could give

someone like Kate O 'Brien your job.

I'd rather drop dead.

What's the matter? Good Lord. My heart pills.

Drew,

please, my pills.

You want them now?

No.

If you really wanted that job for your friend, you'd have kicked these

under the filing cabinet, you Nancy boy.

They can find a plan D, sign a plan C.

What is it, Gary?

This is going to sound highly unusual, sir, but I can't pick someone to head up

the new personal shopper department. You see, my father was killed by personal

shoppers.

Gary, what's your title?

The Vicar of Wakefield, sir.

Gary.

No, I'm sorry. You mean my secular title. It's, uh...

I'll get right on it, sir. Sorry I bothered you.

Nancy boy.

You wanted us here at one o 'clock.

What's the answer, pig?

That's right, Charlie. All the angels are here, except one of them's had a

horrible accident with a paint truck.

Come on, Drew. We have to know.

Well, this is only one thing to do.

Kate.

That's not what I was going to say.

Oh, no.

I didn't get it. This isn't fair.

I hate you, Drew. I wasn't going to say that either.

I was going to say that because you're a great salesperson... Oh, I got it! Woo!

Yeah!

Okay, moving on.

Lisa, you have an obvious sense of style, and all your work in displays has

given you a lot of experience coordinating clothing.

And Mimi?

Yeah? The boss is... shoving you right down my throat.

Bite me.

So since you're all qualified in your own special way, I've decided to have an

objective competition.

You're all going to be personal shoppers for Winford Louder's most difficult

customers. Whoever handles the situation best gets the job.

Well, that's a very good idea, Drew.

Oh, whoops, you got a little something on your shirt.

This isn't going to work, Mimi.

you would try something so sleazy. My cake costs more than that.

I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to my friend, Drew.

Look, Fatty McGass.

Mr. Bell says it will make him very happy to see me get the job. And we all

Mr. Bell to be happy.

Capisce?

One more thing.

Kate, Lisa gets this job.

I want you to know it's not because it's the only chance we have to save our

relationship. And Lisa, if Kate gets this job, it's not because she's the

friend a guy could ever have.

But if Mimi gets this job, I want you to shoot me and look for the microchip.

I'd rather be dead than serve those stinking extraterrestrials.

Listen, I really appreciate you letting me in here to monitor the personal

shopper tour outs like this.

I don't want to stand on top of them and make them nervous, you know.

So who are you rooting for?

That woman Lisa you've been seeing on the sly?

Hey, she's just a friend.

Who I secretly kissed where this camera's pointing right here.

And this camera right here.

You guys in security must know everything, huh?

I'm a security guard, Drew. What I see, I never tell.

Oh, by the way, you should be glad you stopped flirting with Bridget in shoes.

Why, is she married?

She's a guy.

Hey, there's Lisa, my girlfriend.

100 % woman, right?

Turn up the monitor.

Hi, I'm Lisa Robbins. I'm your personal shopper. I saved the song and dance.

I want you to know this is Winfred Lauder's last chance to fail me as a

customer. Well, that's not going to happen, Mr. Newcomb. We're taking a

new approach to shopping.

Before you make me part of your daily affirmation, Perky, let me tell you, I

also don't go for that sucking up crap. I don't even know why I'm here. I hate

trying on clothes.

Well, then don't worry about it. It's taken care of.

Oswald?

Who's this?

I spoke to your secretary.

He's exactly your measurement.

So you can just relax and see how you look in these clothes.

Let me see my butt.

What do you think?

I'm surprised we don't get more action.

Telling me.

She only had breasts like that guy in shoes, huh?

And I found 12 more in the same cut.

You're going to look fantastic.

Thank you.

By the way, I also do swimwear.

How about dinner tonight?

Hey, he's hitting on her. Get away!

Get away!

I'll cut you, man.

I'll cut you.

Attention, Winford Ladder shoppers.

I repeat, there was no flirting with the salespeople.

So what do you say?

Or is this something you didn't prepare for?

Here's a number of a friend of mine who works in shoes.

Her name is Bridget. And I think I really like her.

All right.

Sold out a transsexual just to make a sale.

And I hate to be in Kate and Mimi's shoes.

I hate to be in Mimi's shoes.

Except this one has ribs and this one doesn't. I guess that's where I'm

hung up.

Okay, how about this?

I'll put them both behind my back and you can pick a hand.

I guess I'll go with... I can't decide.

Oh, yes, you can.

Come on.

Uh,

right, I guess.

Non -ripped, great. But I'm not sure what my husband would like.

Oh, ring.

Hello?

fun, you know, but this really ticks me off, you know.

Kate expects to be management. She's going to have to learn some other way to

control her anger.

Okay.

Let's imagine you've already bought the socks.

They're good socks.

Happy socks.

You're happy.

You're walking out of the store. You look in the bag.

What do you see?

I think she's going to talk to her. I bet you're ready to cut off the air.

Mrs. Hoyt, what's your favorite thing in the whole world? Well, that would

either be my dog buttons or my cat buttons.

Oh, it doesn't matter, because if you don't pick some socks...

get you upstairs and buy you some grown -up clothes.

Well, this is the only department where the clothes actually fit. I guess I

never lost my girlish figure.

Yeah, well, that girl's been around a lot.

this one, Chuck. Things can get ugly. Oh, I think they ate ugly for breakfast.

You will not cost me this promotion.

I am your personal shopper.

Don't kill me, but honest to God, you both did great. It's a dead heat. Oh,

it, Drew.

You're just scared to make a decision.

We both know one of us is not going to get the job. This is going to stop here

and now.

Just give us a tiebreaker. Give us one tough customer so we can have a fair

fight and be done with it. Yeah, give us the toughest, nastiest, most difficult

person anyone could ever have to shop for.

And get this.

She's completely naked.

Oh, my God. You're kidding.

All 600 pounds up.

I'm sorry, Oswald. I should have warned you about Grandma.

I mean, she's 82.

She feels she's past the age of modesty, you know?

Then explain the pasties, my friend.

Hey. Hey, buddy.

How long is this going to take?

Not very long.

I just have to pick whether at least her cake did a better job of shopping for

Mimi. Give the winner the job, and then you go look for my head, and you go look

for my body.

For your sake, I hope Lisa wins.

Kate wins. Hi, Kate.

Hi.

I'm going to win all right if I can just get Mimi out of Mr. Bell's office.

Okay, this is going to be tough after the great job Kate did, but I did my

I could not get her to change her makeup.

Yeah, I heard they removed it once and found a whole other painting underneath

there.

Ready, Mimi?

Let me just ask Mimi one thing, though.

Mimi, which one of your personal shoppers would you rather go back to?

What? Are you kidding?

Look at me. I'm gorgeous.

Have a moment alone with Kate, please?

I wish we both could have gotten a job, Kate.

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

I'm going to wear this home.

I hope that crazy woman... doesn't sit next to me on the bus again.

Well, it makes any difference.

You did great. You're totally ready for management.

The next job's yours.

Thanks.

I mean, it's okay that it was Lisa, because now you guys can date.

And you know what? I actually learned something about myself.

I don't have to resort to anger.

You tried to kill that lady's dog and cat.

Oh, you heard that.

I, um... Actual present.

World's greatest manager in training.

Yeah, the in -training part peels off, you know, in case you would have got the

job.

Did you get anything for Lisa?

Yeah, I got her lingerie. Part of that peels off, too.

You know, you may think I'm down, but I'm not.

harder to get a promotion, because you know what? If I can make Mimi look

good... Cure for cancer can't be far behind.

So I was wondering what time you get off tonight, because you know, I do private

shows.

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