Original subtitles

How long has it been?

Huh? New record. No blinking in four minutes and 17 seconds.

You can blink now, Oswald.

No, I can't.

Yes, you can.

Ah, that's it. Roost fight!

All right, freeze!

All right, you two, going back and playing the hair pile.

Hey, let's make another cat. Yeah.

Drew?

Wow. You really let it get shaggy this time. This could take me a whole five

minutes. Five? Usually it takes you 20. Yeah, well, that's because I usually

just buzz the air with my clippers, so you won't think you're getting ripped

off.

Charge me 20 bucks for a crew cut. I think we passed rip -off about 15 bucks

ago. Yeah.

So, how was your weekend? Oh, same old.

Partied, got blitzed, and I think I may have gotten married because I didn't

have this ring on Friday. Wow, Super Bowl XXIII.

How was your weekend?

Oh, you know, pretty much that, and then I did some baking. Yeah.

How about that secret girlfriend at work, Lisa?

Oh, she's mad at me because we can't do our dating out in the open.

Apparently going out to her means being seen in public.

You are so weird.

How do you know I'm weird? All you know about me is I have this haircut.

Don't you think that's weird?

My ex was in the Marine Corps.

I love buzz cuts.

Yeah, why's that?

Friction.

What do you mean?

You know.

Well, you might as well give me a shave now, too, because I'm not going to get

up for another couple of minutes.

Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight.

Guide her to Cleveland, underneath your silvery light.

We're going bowling, so don't lose her in Solon. Moon over Pava tonight.

Hey, where's Drew?

He told me his operative would meet me in his cubicle.

I'm supposed to tell you to wait by his desk and act like everything's normal.

Andrew okay what's going on Bob look I'm making the secret phone

call to tell you that I'm ready to tell the world about our relationship really

we can start dating them I'm ready to prove how committed I am to you open the

top right hand drawer how to hypnotize women

no behind that by the

way platypus

Yes, master.

So, what's in here?

It's a signed promise that until we can get together, I won't see anyone else.

This is really sweet, but all I'm asking for is a simple date to the movie.

No codes, no disguises, nobody pretending to be our dates. Get down,

us.

I just want you to be a little patient.

Our inner office stadium will be totally cool as soon as you're made head of

your department. Then it'll be management, and you can go out.

Until then, look in the second door from the left.

What are these?

Oh, they're, uh, Valentines into the year 2060.

Actually, around 2040, they turn into get -well cards.

Drew?

I got asked out on a date.

And I'm going to go.

I think that you should consider doing the same.

Look, Lisa, isn't there some way we can work this out? Can't you just give me...

Lisa. Oh, this is beautiful.

A good hair day, and I caught the pig in his playpen.

And as far as your requisition goes, just give me a little more time.

I don't think it's going to work.

Platypus. Jackass.

We've got to stop sending Lisa things, Drew. The pizza and chocolates are going

to keep coming back. It's over.

How can it be over when I never even got started?

Okay, we're going to have to explain to you in black and white exactly what

you're doing wrong here.

How much money have you spent on Lisa in the past week?

About a hundred bucks, but it doesn't really count because I got to eat most

it.

I think I can demonstrate this more clearly. Drew, give me a dollar.

Come on, come on, come on.

Okay, now give me five dollars.

Now give me ten dollars.

All I got left is a twenty. That's fine.

Okay, see you at Hooters.

So what are you saying, that I should start dating other people? I don't want

date anyone else. I want to go with Lisa.

You want someone who's unavailable, and now you're making yourself unavailable

while you're waiting for her.

I am not.

Okay, then let me fix you up. I know hundreds of women, all available, all

gorgeous, all lonely.

Honey?

Just a minute.

You know, a good friend of mine gave me this.

I haven't actually looked inside it, because I'm in love with my gal, Kate.

Um, so, uh, why do you carry it with you?

Yeah, why?

Every one of these women is my blood type.

You know, in case I get in an accident.

You're about to get in an accident.

Look,

I'm not saying I don't want to date anybody else. I just don't want to pick

some stranger's name from a book. That's all. Hey, what does it mean when

someone has four bananas?

I do.

So why don't you just ask out someone you know but don't work with?

Hey, how about your hairdresser, Sue?

She parties pretty hard, you know. She kind of runs with a fast crowd.

Maybe she runs with a normal crowd and you just run real slow.

Are you here to see Sue?

Yes, somewhere at 1230.

Oh, man, that only needs me a half hour to complete my inspection.

the last time you were here, Pally?

About a month ago.

Uh -oh.

That's when we first discovered the eggs. You're probably still in the

stage. Whoa, whoa, we got a jumper. Watch out.

Ah,

yeah, one of the scouts. You know, for everyone, we catch a thousand waiting to

hatch.

Careful, they head south.

Come back and get a trim. Especially around the right ear right here.

All right, Drew.

It's so cool that you took this first step. Good for you.

Well, you know, it's just an earring. No, I mean that you decided to openly

admit that you're gay. Right ear.

Actually, I'm not. It's just my mother's clip -on.

I didn't know you lived with your mother.

I don't. Look, I came in here wanting to think I was real hip and everything,

and Louis said to wear it in the right ear.

That guy didn't wear the chaps, huh?

Now it's really humiliating. I don't know if I talked about it. It's going to

make it even harder for me to ask you out.

You're asking me out?

Yeah. Well, that is so sweet.

Well, you know, I am kind of into virgins.

Hey, I had a clip on him.

I'm a maniac here.

Virgin. Wait, are you still a virgin if you, uh... Go on.

That's it.

You're a virgin.

Oh, yeah, but by your definition, my parents are virgins.

Look, if you're seeing someone or something, it's okay. Oh, thank you for

permission. Drew, doll, I date who I want, when I want, and where I want.

You're afraid of me, aren't you?

So where are we going? And don't bore me.

Oh, you want wild, huh?

I'll give you a wild. You don't know how wild I can be.

Hold on just a second. I've got to take my vitamins.

Here, watch this.

No water.

True.

They're chewable.

Yeah, but they're sour.

You went to a biker's strip bar?

It was open mic night.

Poor Mike.

Why'd you take her to a strip bar on your first date? I know.

I took him.

I wanted him to meet Mom.

So, when does this place open?

Hey, the poker band will be here in an hour. They're going to rock your world,

baby.

Wow. Uh -oh.

What?

Lisa and she's with about the most handsome guy in the world.

Oh, I'm not bothered.

Hi, Lisa. Oh, my God.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, guys.

Hi.

I'm Sue, with an X.

And you are very beautiful.

Wow. And I see you belong to the Toy of the Month Club, too, huh?

There's no X in Sue.

I see the batteries are already in.

Listen, I'm going to hit the head.

Just getting all the little soldiers at attention.

I'll see ya.

Wow,

I hope you're still taking your vitamins, Drew.

Oh, Drew, this is Dean.

Hiya. Lisa and I are just old friends. I know. We just went to your favorite

restaurant, and your favorite Baskin Robbins, and your favorite donut shop.

I took them to all my favorite places.

Well, I never got to go there with you.

I'll see you later, Jim.

You want to go upstairs?

Weird, isn't it?

You're on a date, you run into your old girlfriend with a new boyfriend, and all

I can think of is just setting the place on fire.

You've gotten into my vitamins, Angel? Listen, two guys started giving me crap,

and we kind of got in a fight, and in about two seconds, they're going to come

charging down here looking for me. Don't worry, no one's going to hurt you.

We'll be in the car booth before they get down.

Now, are you going to tell them off, or are you going to run away scared?

Scared?

I'll show you who's scared.

I'll not only tell them off, I'll make them apologize.

Great. Drew, these are the guys.

Are you the guy who has something to say to us?

Nope. Is that me?

He must be my friend, Louie.

Now, he wants you to apologize to the lady.

Okay, I'm sorry. Okay.

I suggest you get out of here.

You're too out of shape for a long fight or else I'll have to kill you fast.

That was great.

Can you imagine what would have happened if they'd really insulted me?

knows you, so I thought I'd have a look -see. Oh, please.

All right. One for the files.

Well, at least we know she didn't steal any lingerie.

Okay.

I'll leave her in your custody, Drew.

And you, watch it, Klepto.

All right, you. Right now. You and me. Right now. Here, let's go. Come on.

make me get medieval on your ass, ma 'am.

Want to see the other stuff I got?

You got other stuff? Mm -hmm.

You put stuff under your hat? Oh, I stole the hat.

And this ankle bracelet. But I'm going to take it back because I want to get it

engraved. Why'd you steal the engraving machine? It went under my skirt.

Look, you can't take all this stuff. It's not even paid for.

Not paid for?

Uh, no. Not until I charged it on my Winford Lowder charge card.

Amy, this is Sue with an X.

Sue, this is Mimi with an extra chromosome.

Bite me.

Wow, that is daring.

Thanks.

You know, I have to do your hair.

Where do you go now?

Scissors and whiskey.

Okay, I'll give you a shot. Okay.

There's this mannequin up on the third floor that's just so me.

Alright.

I'll be right back.

Are we still on for tonight?

Um, yeah.

Excellent.

Man, she's violent, she steals, she likes Mimi.

Hey, maybe she'll beat up Mimi and steal her.

Do you really think my hair looks good?

Oh, yeah.

Then why did that woman at the Warsaw point at me?

What quality do women admire most in a man? The ability to make them laugh.

And you, my friend, your magic even works on men.

Hey, Drew, I thought we were going to watch the game together. What happened?

I just had a couple of stops to make and so... All right, that's it.

mean by grippy shoes?

Maybe it's some kind of weird sex thing where you hang upside down like a bat.

Or maybe it's for something really dangerous.

Oh, man. What if it's jogging?

I'm sure that's why they built this water tower.

Nothing like climbing through 12 years of encrusted bird crap to get you in the

mood.

You haven't even looked yet.

Oh. I think I'll have plenty of time to look while I'm plunging to my death.

None.

Oh, yeah, wow!

She was great from here.

Hey, I can see my house.

Who wrote that on my roof?

What, are you talking to my right leg?

I can't do that.

All right, let's just go down the ladderhead first.

Hey, Sue.

Listen, I really had a great time with you this week.

Believe me, there's no one I'd rather go on a killing spree with.

But I just recently realized that my feelings for someone are a lot stronger

than I thought they were.

nearly pushed me over the edge.

I'm sorry. I thought you were going to kill yourself.

Oh, please. Drew, we went out three times. I mean, you're a nice guy and

everything, but I'd sooner push you off the water town.

So, you're okay with this?

Well, you know what we have to do now, don't you?

Whatever it is, you go first.

All right.

Close your eyes.

Wow.

Where'd you get that, Pierce?

me down off that water tower.

What's up? I just found out that the new personal shopper program needs a

manager. I am that manager.

Wow, Kate.

I never even thought of you for this.

So here's the big question.

Will you give me the job?

Hey, haven't you always been there for me?

I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure you get this.

You've been working really hard. You deserve to move up.

Really? Yeah. You are such a sweetheart.

I want you to reconcile, so I will.

Kate, I think we're going to do baby talk.

So puke.

So, you said there was a way for us to get back together. What is it?

You know that new position, head of the personal shopper program?

Uh -huh.

If I could get that job, we'd both be management, and we could date.

Man, just when you thought there was no way in hell we could ever get together.

Someone must really be smiling on us.

Oh. Somebody's doing something on us, that's for sure.

Pretty soon, I'll be able to do that.

Oh, puke.

I'm putting in to manage the personal shopper program.

Mr. Bell says he's totally behind me.

That could very well be. I wouldn't be able to see him anyway.

You ever eat poisonous blowfish?

Only enough to go unconscious.

What about you?

Ever wrassle a gator?

How do you think I got through college?

Just between you and me. There's one thing that I've never been able to do.

Oh, come on. Tell me.

I can't polka.

Get up on your heels.

pretend I'm a gator.