All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s01e17 The Front

I've been working in a coal mine, going
down, down, down, working in a coal

mine. Whoop! Hey!

Whoop! Hey!

Whoop! Whoop -hey!

Oh, my God!

You're stuck in a tree.

the group of guys from ABC were doing a
charity study in Cleveland. It's

skydiving for the blind and some big
wind took us way off target.

I just got to get out of here before
Goodman hits. John Goodman's on his way

down. Yeah, yeah, sure.

Oh, wait a second. Wait. You got to do
the grunt for me. The what?

The grunt. You know, you got to do the
grunt. Didn't you hear me growling?

Do you get a name or anything?

Is somebody in charge of you?

It is! It is Tim Allen!

All right, so grown -ups, I need help
out of the tree. Somebody just help me

with this.

Can you believe this? Take a picture.

What's he doing in your tree?

I'm picking apples, moron. Get me out of
the tree!

Hey, let's whack him with a stick, see
if he's full of candy.

so nice on TV.

That's because on TV I'm not hanging by
my wing nuts. Now, can somebody get me

out of here?

Hey, you want an autograph, don't you?
Do I?

Oh, here you go. What's your name? Kate.
Kate. Hi, Kate.

Here you go.

Now, please show that to everybody you
see today. Okay.

Hey, my name's not Call the Police.

Are you all cousins?

What am I thinking about?

I'm going to sell you the phone. I'm
going to call the police. You guys are a

lot of... Oh, no.

Hey, I got Eddie's machine. Who's Eddie?
Eddie the dog from Frasier?

Yeah, that Eddie.

Hey, big guy.

Either a solar eclipse is starting or
that's John Goodman.

Goodman!

Head towards the house!

A little boy's shoelaces got caught in
the escalator, and he was sucked in and

squished, and that's why we have the
memorial down by Housewares.

Cover yours.

Again? Just one more time.

God, these voices are driving me crazy.

Hey, I had another dream about you last
night.

The one where I got your dad's head in
your mother's body?

No. You were in this little tube top and
these little short shorts, and I was

screaming at you because you were
blocking my view of Terry Hatcher.

Same dream.

Oh, yeah? How'd I look in a tube tie?

Pretty hot.

But you could have used a few extra
inches on the shorts.

Oh.

Hey, you're not supposed to be
listening.

I can't help it. It's so cute.

It is so silly. I don't see why someone
from management can't have a private

conversation with a regular employee.

Nobody knows we're seeing each other in
secret.

You know, I wouldn't ask Kate to walk
with us every time we talk if these

vultures weren't just waiting for some
excuse to gossip.

By the way, word is that you two are
lesbians.

Either way, I'm getting more than you.

So what you're saying, Mr. Carey, is
we'll never have a normal relationship?

We have a normal relationship. We just
can't go out in public or see each

So, I guess this means we won't be
having sex in the elevator anytime soon.

Well, uh...

If you pretend you're choking, I could
give you the Heimlich for about an hour.

I'm going to go have me a chicken
sandwich.

Hope it goes down okay.

Man, sure hope my baby chokes.

Incoming paperwork.

Bend over.

I'll file it.

Say what you want, Mimi.

As long as I get to gaze at you
longingly.

Oh, please, you're just picturing me in
some sexist fantasy like you do with all

the women in this store.

Yeah, you're right. Excuse me, I'm going
to go put out my mind's eye.

Hi, Drew.

Nice outfit, Mimi.

Only dogs can hear those colors.

I'm sorry. I'd love to let you just walk
in, Susie, but Mr. Bell's on the phone.

Look, Jerry called and said come right
up.

Why am I explaining this to you? I sleep
with him. You don't. Moo.

Just let me check real quick, okay?

Thanks.

So, uh, Susie, how are things over in
jewelry?

Well, a little slow since I learned
there's a camera overhead.

Mr. Bell will do you. I mean, see you.

I've seen her in the middle of the day.
You'd think you'd be worried about

appearances. Not this time.

What do you mean you're letting me go?

You can't fire me.

He's firing Susie? Oh, my God, why?

Mrs. Louder found out that Mr. Bell's
panty budget suspiciously doubled.

Here's his new decree.

A law that is now a written policy
that...

dating between management and any
regular employees forbidden and cause

immediate dismissal of both parties
without benefits?

Of course, in accordance with pending
state legislation, this will not apply

homosexual couples.

I've never seen Bell so angry. I guess
if he's not getting any, nobody's

any. Yeah, but immediate dismissal, no
benefits, no discussion, no nothing?

It's not fair.

Oh yeah, says you, pig.

And the best part's gonna be when you
finally get caught for doing this.

Because I'm going to laugh my butt off.

That's a lot of laughing, Mimi.

Hey, Lewis, working late?

No, I was signing up for a drug co
-testing program.

They're doing clinical trials on a new
drug. Pays pretty good.

They test drugs on employees?

Yeah, they used to do it on rats, but
they kept exploding.

Hey,

I want in on this. What kind of drugs
are they testing?

Smart drugs.

They got drugs that make you smarter?
What do they do?

Well, our friend Oswald has stumbled
onto a complex question here. What is

intelligence? Well, it's not finding out
that rats explode and going, hey, where

do I sign up?

Okay, you're in. I'll put you on the
list tomorrow.

Space is in the driveway, moron. Not for
long. We're going to be smart.

Hey, where's Lisa? I thought we were all
going to the Warsaw.

I told her I'd meet her tomorrow.

Man, if I'm not careful, she's going to
stop seeing me altogether.

I don't know what to do. You know, I
can't even sneak around anymore.

Maybe you need somebody to pretend to be
her date while you guys go out

together. You know, like a decoy.

That's an idea.

Hey, Kate, how about you? Everybody at
work knows we're just friends, and

everybody else thinks you're a lesbian.

Thanks, but I hardly get to see Jay
enough as it is.

Hey, how about if I go? And if anybody
asks, I'll just say I'm on a date with

Lisa. But, Jay, sweetie, we haven't been
going out that long ourselves.

Come on, if we don't help Drew...

Look, Lisa, man, I want to go to the
movies. I want to go bowling. I want to

dancing. Hey, you can do the whole thing
at the Bowler Center Dance -O -Rama

Dome.

Wait, that's something I thought of
during the last drug testing program.

Oh, that's right. That was right before
you lost your hair and right after you

started lactating.

Drew, for the last two weeks, we've been
all over this town. with Kate and Jay,

and no one from work has seen us.

Don't you think it's safe for me to sit
up front now? Are you kidding?

There's a lot of people from work who
drive along this drainage ditch.

Hey, you missed my turn! I want to go
home!

Oh, I'm sorry.

You guys have been so great about going
out with us and all, and here we are

taking advantage of your good natures.

You two need some time alone, huh?

I'll tell you what, when we pull up to
the next stop sign, Lisa and I will turn

our heads, and then you two can do
whatever you want.

We're almost there.

I'd tell you before I let you out of
this car.

Now try it.

Hey, guys, how's it going?

Huh? I see the smart pills are finally
working.

So, Drew, how's the double dating going?

Lisa couldn't be happier. It's like
we're finally a normal couple.

And Kate is being such a good sport. She
stopped banging on the trunk after

about five minutes.

Don't do this. May just be the smart
drugs. talking, but E equals MC squared.

They kicked in.

Let's go to a bar where the smart women
hang out. E -G -I -P -H -D.

Let's go to the car.

Where is the car?

We could be driving around all night
looking for a place called Live Nude

Intelligent Girls.

Hey, can't we sit still next to you?

Well, sure.

You mind if we...

Yeah, but now I'm far away from Jay.

Oh, honey, the farther away you get, the
more beautiful you are.

Uh -oh. Meet me at four and five o
'clock.

Well, well, well.

Drew gets caught red -handed with his
little company love slave.

This must be my lucky day.

It is. You fit into that outfit.

Yeah, Mr. Bell told me to be on the
lookout for this sleazy kind of

You're toast, Carrie.

You think so, huh? Just so happens I'm
with my pal, Kate, and Lisa's out with

her boyfriend, Jay.

That's right.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if you two are boyfriend and
girlfriend, let me see you kiss.

Oh, please. It's like your grandma
kisses you.

Not my grandma. One minute I'll be
saying hello, the next minute I'll be

tongue and polygraph.

That's it. I'm going to go call Mr.
Bell.

Right now.

Wait.

How's that?

Well, maybe I was a little hasty.

I don't know why Lisa would want to be
with a loser like Drew anyway.

No man's worth giving up a job for.
That's why I don't date at work.

All right, well, I want the other two
and a half billion men to go out with

I was just trying to save Drew's job.

She didn't mean anything by it. I'm sure
Jay didn't even like it. Jay, stand up

and prove it. I should warn you, I'm
Italian.

You know, this whole stupid double
dating thing was a lousy idea.

My boyfriend is not dating your
girlfriend anymore.

Man, who'd ever thought that having my
girlfriend date my best friend's

boyfriend so I can go out with my best
friend and see my girlfriend would end

being so complicated.

talk to you.

Go away, I'm writing something.

Can I talk to you? It's the ladies.
You're a big slut. Get out.

I haven't called that since the service.

I love you.

You cannot be so insecure to think that
that kiss actually meant something. No.

If I was insecure, somebody would have
told me about it. I'm pretty sure.

Right? Then what are you so angry about?

I'm angry because I hate that bastard. I
never get to see him.

And I love him.

It's the double dating. This is all our
fault.

But it's the only way Drew and I could
see each other.

I know.

I know.

I just got crazy.

You probably don't know this. I've got
this really bad temper.

It's okay.

Oh, look.

I didn't just come in here to apologize.

Right. Okay.

Hey, you spelled my name wrong.

Hold on, Steve. I've seen her get worked
up over something, and the next thing

you know, she's fine.

Either that or she stabs you in your
sleep.

She gets jealous so damn easy. I mean,
not like Lisa.

Yeah, Lisa's pretty secure.

Why wouldn't she be, huh? She's good
-looking, she's smart, she's funny.

Doesn't hurt that she's a good kisser,
huh?

Well, you know, I couldn't say that in
front of Kate. Say what?

That she was a terrific kisser.

Arlene Soderquist.

What? Arlene Soderquist. This is Arlene
Soderquist.

No, not that one. She was the real cute
one I would have gone out with if it

wasn't for you.

All the sisters were cute except for the
unibrow.

Don't play innocent.

It took me almost three years to work up
the nerve to ask her out, and when I

was almost ready to do it, you waltz in
there with your members -only jacket and

your Sassoon jeans.

You're crazy. I didn't know you wanted
to ask her out. I can't read your mind.

Can't read my mind, huh?

What am I thinking now?

Oh, well, you should be thinking you're
nuts.

Come on, Drew. There's no way you can
finish any fight you start with me. No,

I'll tell you what I'm thinking, pretty
boy.

I'm thinking I'm a guy whose
girlfriend's been kissed and he's darn

heck about it.

Well, hey, maybe if you took her out in
public, none of this would have ever

happened. All right, that's it.

Good news. We worked everything out.

We didn't.

All right, you want to do this?

Fine, fine. I'll do this. It's only
going to take a minute.

I'm ready.

Are you crazy? Yeah. I've never been
more lucid in my life. In fact, that's

first time I've ever used lucid
correctly in a sentence.

I'm doing this for Arlene.

I'm doing this for all the Arlenes. All
right, let's go home.

Fine, I don't want to be anywhere near
this study hall stud.

Wait, someone from work might still be
here. You two go out and hold hands. But

don't enjoy it.

Kate,

do you remember Arlene Soderquist?

Arlene Easy Soderquist?

The girl that went out with every guy in
school?

No, I must have met somebody else.

You said what?

Yeah, I know. I can't believe it.

What an idiot I am. I almost beat up Jay
and humiliated him in front of

everybody at the Warsaw.

Ooh, that was close.

What was your plan? Tire him out by
letting him beat the crap out of you?

You know, I've never been upset with a
friend over a woman before. I've been

upset over a woman with a friend and
then once with a man about a dog and

with a dog about a burger. That's why I
got this. But never with a...

one. Drew, we stopped taking the smart
pills. What are you saying?

I'm saying I'm still crazy about Lisa
and I can't think of any other way to

her. Unless you guys have any ideas.

Give you guys sugar pills, huh?

I got a cavity.

Poor guy. That rat chased him around the
maze for an hour.

Hi, guys. Hey, Drew, you wanted to see
us?

Yeah. You guys still hate me?

Yeah.

Look,

Jay, I'm sorry about the other night. I
guess it was just 20 years of

frustration about that Arlene thing.

I should have confronted you then before
you started working out.

It's okay, man. I understand.

You guys deserve some time together.

I mean, somebody should be happy.

Even if Lisa and I can't.

Wait a minute.

It's not the face.

It's not Tantrum Boy.

No.

I should have used big sweaty hug guy.

So, ready for lunch?

Yeah, let me just wrap up a couple
things and I'll be right with you.

Lashandra, could you send in those five
employees I asked for?

Thank you.

Why don't you guys just run to the
restaurant and I'll catch up with you.

Hey, let's get something soft to eat. My
cavity's hurting and neurons are firing

through my cerebral cortex like
electrons through a linear accelerator.

What was that?

I said, let's get yogurt.

Oh, for a minute I thought you said
something smart.

Are they still using linear
accelerators?

Actually, most particle accelerators are
circular.

Don't you mean elliptical? Uh, but
aren't all circles ellipses?

Uh... Where's the car?

I suppose you're wondering what official
company business I've called you all in

here for.

Uh, Cindy, you're doing a great job.

You two, you two, you two.

Robbins, I need to have a little talk
with you concerning the store mannequins

and their genitalia.

Nice cover, Drew.

But aren't you afraid that Mimi could
drop from the ceiling or something?

Actually, I told her there was a
Snickers bar about to fall off the top

the candy machine.

What she doesn't know is that I glued it
there.

So, what do we do now?

I'm sure we'll figure out something
else.

Are you kidding?

It took us months to come up with this
lame plan.

Come on.

I'm tired of hiding all the time, Drew.

Come on, it'll be okay.

And these genitalia are just much too
realistic.

You'll have to use sandpaper.

I'm sorry.

Either we throw caution to the wind and
start having a real relationship, or we

stop seeing each other altogether.

I know what I want.

So now it's up to you.

Yeah, but I love you.

Cleveland, what a town, huh?

We need a new candy machine.