Original subtitles

I've been working in a coal mine, going down, down, down, working in a coal

mine. Whoop! Hey!

Whoop! Hey!

Whoop! Whoop -hey!

Oh, my God!

You're stuck in a tree.

the group of guys from ABC were doing a charity study in Cleveland. It's

skydiving for the blind and some big wind took us way off target.

I just got to get out of here before Goodman hits. John Goodman's on his way

down. Yeah, yeah, sure.

Oh, wait a second. Wait. You got to do the grunt for me. The what?

The grunt. You know, you got to do the grunt. Didn't you hear me growling?

Do you get a name or anything?

Is somebody in charge of you?

It is! It is Tim Allen!

All right, so grown -ups, I need help out of the tree. Somebody just help me

with this.

Can you believe this? Take a picture.

What's he doing in your tree?

I'm picking apples, moron. Get me out of the tree!

Hey, let's whack him with a stick, see if he's full of candy.

so nice on TV.

That's because on TV I'm not hanging by my wing nuts. Now, can somebody get me

out of here?

Hey, you want an autograph, don't you? Do I?

Oh, here you go. What's your name? Kate. Kate. Hi, Kate.

Here you go.

Now, please show that to everybody you see today. Okay.

Hey, my name's not Call the Police.

Are you all cousins?

What am I thinking about?

I'm going to sell you the phone. I'm going to call the police. You guys are a

lot of... Oh, no.

Hey, I got Eddie's machine. Who's Eddie? Eddie the dog from Frasier?

Yeah, that Eddie.

Hey, big guy.

Either a solar eclipse is starting or that's John Goodman.

Goodman!

Head towards the house!

A little boy's shoelaces got caught in the escalator, and he was sucked in and

squished, and that's why we have the memorial down by Housewares.

Cover yours.

Again? Just one more time.

God, these voices are driving me crazy.

Hey, I had another dream about you last night.

The one where I got your dad's head in your mother's body?

No. You were in this little tube top and these little short shorts, and I was

screaming at you because you were blocking my view of Terry Hatcher.

Same dream.

Oh, yeah? How'd I look in a tube tie?

Pretty hot.

But you could have used a few extra inches on the shorts.

Oh.

Hey, you're not supposed to be listening.

I can't help it. It's so cute.

It is so silly. I don't see why someone from management can't have a private

conversation with a regular employee.

Nobody knows we're seeing each other in secret.

You know, I wouldn't ask Kate to walk with us every time we talk if these

vultures weren't just waiting for some excuse to gossip.

By the way, word is that you two are lesbians.

Either way, I'm getting more than you.

So what you're saying, Mr. Carey, is we'll never have a normal relationship?

We have a normal relationship. We just can't go out in public or see each

So, I guess this means we won't be having sex in the elevator anytime soon.

Well, uh...

If you pretend you're choking, I could give you the Heimlich for about an hour.

I'm going to go have me a chicken sandwich.

Hope it goes down okay.

Man, sure hope my baby chokes.

Incoming paperwork.

Bend over.

I'll file it.

Say what you want, Mimi.

As long as I get to gaze at you longingly.

Oh, please, you're just picturing me in some sexist fantasy like you do with all

the women in this store.

Yeah, you're right. Excuse me, I'm going to go put out my mind's eye.

Hi, Drew.

Nice outfit, Mimi.

Only dogs can hear those colors.

I'm sorry. I'd love to let you just walk in, Susie, but Mr. Bell's on the phone.

Look, Jerry called and said come right up.

Why am I explaining this to you? I sleep with him. You don't. Moo.

Just let me check real quick, okay?

Thanks.

So, uh, Susie, how are things over in jewelry?

Well, a little slow since I learned there's a camera overhead.

Mr. Bell will do you. I mean, see you.

I've seen her in the middle of the day. You'd think you'd be worried about

appearances. Not this time.

What do you mean you're letting me go?

You can't fire me.

He's firing Susie? Oh, my God, why?

Mrs. Louder found out that Mr. Bell's panty budget suspiciously doubled.

Here's his new decree.

A law that is now a written policy that...

dating between management and any regular employees forbidden and cause

immediate dismissal of both parties without benefits?

Of course, in accordance with pending state legislation, this will not apply

homosexual couples.

I've never seen Bell so angry. I guess if he's not getting any, nobody's

any. Yeah, but immediate dismissal, no benefits, no discussion, no nothing?

It's not fair.

Oh yeah, says you, pig.

And the best part's gonna be when you finally get caught for doing this.

Because I'm going to laugh my butt off.

That's a lot of laughing, Mimi.

Hey, Lewis, working late?

No, I was signing up for a drug co -testing program.

They're doing clinical trials on a new drug. Pays pretty good.

They test drugs on employees?

Yeah, they used to do it on rats, but they kept exploding.

Hey,

I want in on this. What kind of drugs are they testing?

Smart drugs.

They got drugs that make you smarter? What do they do?

Well, our friend Oswald has stumbled onto a complex question here. What is

intelligence? Well, it's not finding out that rats explode and going, hey, where

do I sign up?

Okay, you're in. I'll put you on the list tomorrow.

Space is in the driveway, moron. Not for long. We're going to be smart.

Hey, where's Lisa? I thought we were all going to the Warsaw.

I told her I'd meet her tomorrow.

Man, if I'm not careful, she's going to stop seeing me altogether.

I don't know what to do. You know, I can't even sneak around anymore.

Maybe you need somebody to pretend to be her date while you guys go out

together. You know, like a decoy.

That's an idea.

Hey, Kate, how about you? Everybody at work knows we're just friends, and

everybody else thinks you're a lesbian.

Thanks, but I hardly get to see Jay enough as it is.

Hey, how about if I go? And if anybody asks, I'll just say I'm on a date with

Lisa. But, Jay, sweetie, we haven't been going out that long ourselves.

Come on, if we don't help Drew...

Look, Lisa, man, I want to go to the movies. I want to go bowling. I want to

dancing. Hey, you can do the whole thing at the Bowler Center Dance -O -Rama

Dome.

Wait, that's something I thought of during the last drug testing program.

Oh, that's right. That was right before you lost your hair and right after you

started lactating.

Drew, for the last two weeks, we've been all over this town. with Kate and Jay,

and no one from work has seen us.

Don't you think it's safe for me to sit up front now? Are you kidding?

There's a lot of people from work who drive along this drainage ditch.

Hey, you missed my turn! I want to go home!

Oh, I'm sorry.

You guys have been so great about going out with us and all, and here we are

taking advantage of your good natures.

You two need some time alone, huh?

I'll tell you what, when we pull up to the next stop sign, Lisa and I will turn

our heads, and then you two can do whatever you want.

We're almost there.

I'd tell you before I let you out of this car.

Now try it.

Hey, guys, how's it going?

Huh? I see the smart pills are finally working.

So, Drew, how's the double dating going?

Lisa couldn't be happier. It's like we're finally a normal couple.

And Kate is being such a good sport. She stopped banging on the trunk after

about five minutes.

Don't do this. May just be the smart drugs. talking, but E equals MC squared.

They kicked in.

Let's go to a bar where the smart women hang out. E -G -I -P -H -D.

Let's go to the car.

Where is the car?

We could be driving around all night looking for a place called Live Nude

Intelligent Girls.

Hey, can't we sit still next to you?

Well, sure.

You mind if we...

Yeah, but now I'm far away from Jay.

Oh, honey, the farther away you get, the more beautiful you are.

Uh -oh. Meet me at four and five o 'clock.

Well, well, well.

Drew gets caught red -handed with his little company love slave.

This must be my lucky day.

It is. You fit into that outfit.

Yeah, Mr. Bell told me to be on the lookout for this sleazy kind of

You're toast, Carrie.

You think so, huh? Just so happens I'm with my pal, Kate, and Lisa's out with

her boyfriend, Jay.

That's right.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if you two are boyfriend and girlfriend, let me see you kiss.

Oh, please. It's like your grandma kisses you.

Not my grandma. One minute I'll be saying hello, the next minute I'll be

tongue and polygraph.

That's it. I'm going to go call Mr. Bell.

Right now.

Wait.

How's that?

Well, maybe I was a little hasty.

I don't know why Lisa would want to be with a loser like Drew anyway.

No man's worth giving up a job for. That's why I don't date at work.

All right, well, I want the other two and a half billion men to go out with

I was just trying to save Drew's job.

She didn't mean anything by it. I'm sure Jay didn't even like it. Jay, stand up

and prove it. I should warn you, I'm Italian.

You know, this whole stupid double dating thing was a lousy idea.

My boyfriend is not dating your girlfriend anymore.

Man, who'd ever thought that having my girlfriend date my best friend's

boyfriend so I can go out with my best friend and see my girlfriend would end

being so complicated.

talk to you.

Go away, I'm writing something.

Can I talk to you? It's the ladies. You're a big slut. Get out.

I haven't called that since the service.

I love you.

You cannot be so insecure to think that that kiss actually meant something. No.

If I was insecure, somebody would have told me about it. I'm pretty sure.

Right? Then what are you so angry about?

I'm angry because I hate that bastard. I never get to see him.

And I love him.

It's the double dating. This is all our fault.

But it's the only way Drew and I could see each other.

I know.

I know.

I just got crazy.

You probably don't know this. I've got this really bad temper.

It's okay.

Oh, look.

I didn't just come in here to apologize.

Right. Okay.

Hey, you spelled my name wrong.

Hold on, Steve. I've seen her get worked up over something, and the next thing

you know, she's fine.

Either that or she stabs you in your sleep.

She gets jealous so damn easy. I mean, not like Lisa.

Yeah, Lisa's pretty secure.

Why wouldn't she be, huh? She's good -looking, she's smart, she's funny.

Doesn't hurt that she's a good kisser, huh?

Well, you know, I couldn't say that in front of Kate. Say what?

That she was a terrific kisser.

Arlene Soderquist.

What? Arlene Soderquist. This is Arlene Soderquist.

No, not that one. She was the real cute one I would have gone out with if it

wasn't for you.

All the sisters were cute except for the unibrow.

Don't play innocent.

It took me almost three years to work up the nerve to ask her out, and when I

was almost ready to do it, you waltz in there with your members -only jacket and

your Sassoon jeans.

You're crazy. I didn't know you wanted to ask her out. I can't read your mind.

Can't read my mind, huh?

What am I thinking now?

Oh, well, you should be thinking you're nuts.

Come on, Drew. There's no way you can finish any fight you start with me. No,

I'll tell you what I'm thinking, pretty boy.

I'm thinking I'm a guy whose girlfriend's been kissed and he's darn

heck about it.

Well, hey, maybe if you took her out in public, none of this would have ever

happened. All right, that's it.

Good news. We worked everything out.

We didn't.

All right, you want to do this?

Fine, fine. I'll do this. It's only going to take a minute.

I'm ready.

Are you crazy? Yeah. I've never been more lucid in my life. In fact, that's

first time I've ever used lucid correctly in a sentence.

I'm doing this for Arlene.

I'm doing this for all the Arlenes. All right, let's go home.

Fine, I don't want to be anywhere near this study hall stud.

Wait, someone from work might still be here. You two go out and hold hands. But

don't enjoy it.

Kate,

do you remember Arlene Soderquist?

Arlene Easy Soderquist?

The girl that went out with every guy in school?

No, I must have met somebody else.

You said what?

Yeah, I know. I can't believe it.

What an idiot I am. I almost beat up Jay and humiliated him in front of

everybody at the Warsaw.

Ooh, that was close.

What was your plan? Tire him out by letting him beat the crap out of you?

You know, I've never been upset with a friend over a woman before. I've been

upset over a woman with a friend and then once with a man about a dog and

with a dog about a burger. That's why I got this. But never with a...

one. Drew, we stopped taking the smart pills. What are you saying?

I'm saying I'm still crazy about Lisa and I can't think of any other way to

her. Unless you guys have any ideas.

Give you guys sugar pills, huh?

I got a cavity.

Poor guy. That rat chased him around the maze for an hour.

Hi, guys. Hey, Drew, you wanted to see us?

Yeah. You guys still hate me?

Yeah.

Look,

Jay, I'm sorry about the other night. I guess it was just 20 years of

frustration about that Arlene thing.

I should have confronted you then before you started working out.

It's okay, man. I understand.

You guys deserve some time together.

I mean, somebody should be happy.

Even if Lisa and I can't.

Wait a minute.

It's not the face.

It's not Tantrum Boy.

No.

I should have used big sweaty hug guy.

So, ready for lunch?

Yeah, let me just wrap up a couple things and I'll be right with you.

Lashandra, could you send in those five employees I asked for?

Thank you.

Why don't you guys just run to the restaurant and I'll catch up with you.

Hey, let's get something soft to eat. My cavity's hurting and neurons are firing

through my cerebral cortex like electrons through a linear accelerator.

What was that?

I said, let's get yogurt.

Oh, for a minute I thought you said something smart.

Are they still using linear accelerators?

Actually, most particle accelerators are circular.

Don't you mean elliptical? Uh, but aren't all circles ellipses?

Uh... Where's the car?

I suppose you're wondering what official company business I've called you all in

here for.

Uh, Cindy, you're doing a great job.

You two, you two, you two.

Robbins, I need to have a little talk with you concerning the store mannequins

and their genitalia.

Nice cover, Drew.

But aren't you afraid that Mimi could drop from the ceiling or something?

Actually, I told her there was a Snickers bar about to fall off the top

the candy machine.

What she doesn't know is that I glued it there.

So, what do we do now?

I'm sure we'll figure out something else.

Are you kidding?

It took us months to come up with this lame plan.

Come on.

I'm tired of hiding all the time, Drew.

Come on, it'll be okay.

And these genitalia are just much too realistic.

You'll have to use sandpaper.

I'm sorry.

Either we throw caution to the wind and start having a real relationship, or we

stop seeing each other altogether.

I know what I want.

So now it's up to you.

Yeah, but I love you.

Cleveland, what a town, huh?

We need a new candy machine.

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