Original subtitles

Hello? Hey, you naked?

Because I am.

Carlos, is that you?

Lisa? I thought I was calling Grandma.

Hey, Drew, what's going on?

Well, since we missed our secret conversation at work today, I thought

it up to you over the phone.

Right now, I'm laying in the tub, sipping champagne, wearing nothing but

bubbles.

Really? You sure you're not on the couch, eating pizza?

Oh, I told you, I'm in the tub.

Okay, tub.

Got it.

Keep going.

Well, if I was there with you, I would kiss you over every inch of your

body.

I'm going to rub your tummy until your leg shakes.

Hold on a second. There's pizza throwing me down.

No, I'm washing the dog.

Keep going.

Oh.

Oh, damn. I got another call. Can you hold on?

Go ahead and take it. I've got to add the flea shampoo.

Oh, someday I'm going to be in that sink.

Hello?

Hi, Drew.

It's Oswald.

I've been talking slow all day.

Hey, listen, Oswald. Can I call you back? I've got a lease on the other

No, it's really important. No hold.

All right.

Okay, now where were we?

I believe I was kissing my way straight to your nipples.

What are you going to do when you get there?

Oswald? Lisa?

Yeah?

So where were we?

I believe I was kissing my way south.

Oh, great.

Now I've got another call.

Go ahead. I'll wait.

Hello? Hi, Lisa. It's Kate. Hey, Kate.

Listen, Drew's on the other line, and he's in the mood for sex talk.

Oh, will that only take a minute?

I'm at the Warsaw. Let me put some more money in the machine.

Oh, man, this is going to take forever.

Hey, Oswald, you still there?

Mm -hmm.

Lisa.

Okay, bachelorette number one, I want you to tell me something in your sexiest

voice.

Hey, baby, who's your daddy?

Danny Oswald?

Lisa? Yeah, it's me. Hey, listen, let's agree not to take any more calls, okay,

no matter what.

That sounds great.

All right.

Let me tell you what I'm going to do to you.

Mr. Carey, I have a request for an emergency interrupt from your mother.

you accept?

Oh, man, if this isn't her knocking on the bathroom door all over again.

Yeah, operator, I'll accept.

Drew, it's not your mom, but this is an emergency.

What is it, Lewis?

Well, I have to make a bet. Who do you think's faster, a midget or a pig?

Guide her to Cleveland, underneath your silvery light.

We're going bowling, so don't lose her in Solon.

Moon over Palma tonight.

What's with you guys, making a Tom Petty video?

Drew, you've got to check the big remodeling sale downstairs. They're

all the old displays, all the fixtures for like nothing. This pencil cost me a

dollar. What are you going to do with it?

A dollar!

You know, sometimes I think they have these remodeling sales just for suckers

like you.

Hey!

They accepted my bid on the giant pump.

Why don't you guys just put it in there and wheel it to the break room?

Man, the cute ones are never in your size.

Boy, I'd like to meet her brother.

Your doctor called about some blood tests. What?

Turns out you really are a pig.

I hope those rug burns teach you a lesson, Spanky.

What, is it noon already?

Hey, Mimi, you're wanted in Jerry's... Oh, Mr. Bell's office.

Oh, I guess I'm back in cleanup.

Susie, this is kind of embarrassing. I don't know exactly how to put it, but

your sweater's on inside out.

Oh, I must have put it on wrong after I had sex with Mr. Bell.

Yes, Mr. Bell.

Carrie, I've got good news for you. You know how you always said you wanted to

have an assistant?

This isn't like that time you gave me your keys to your Porsche and then had

security beat me up, is it, sir?

No.

Wow!

That's great, Mr. Bell. You've got a heart as big as a... Well, you have a

heart.

Assistant to Mr.

Carey. Wow.

Hey, Mimi.

You'll never guess who's getting his own assistant.

I'll give you a hint.

He hates your guts, and it's not the free sample guy from Hickory Farms.

What are you doing? Bringing some goodies for my new assistant, huh?

Sweetie, I can't believe you're going through all this trouble unless you're

new assistant, in which case I'm going to kill myself with my tape dispenser.

Here's a letter opener. I'll get a bucket.

No! You can't be my new assistant. My new assistant's going to be sweet and

charming and say yes sir and no sir.

Yes sir.

Lunch a lot.

Ah, this is stupid. Why is this happening to me? What did I do?

Mr. Bell's making Susie his new assistant.

It's the one position she hasn't had with him yet.

So how many times did Mimi kick you?

Let's see. I said, get your feet out from under my side of the desk.

And then, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

I mean it.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Fifteen.

Wait, what'd you do that for?

See? Now it looks like a happy face.

Needed a nose.

Hey, why don't you just fire me, me?

Oh, I can't. There's no way Mr. Bell would let me.

You know, Drew, maybe you're supposed to learn a life lesson here. I mean, we

have these two guys at Drug Co. who hated each other.

They fought for a while, but then they worked out their differences, went to a

bar to celebrate, got in a fight over a waitress, and one guy killed the other.

We laugh about that at work a lot.

Oh, I'm dying. I can't take another step.

Lie down. I'll make you feel better.

Shh.

I saw this on the Nature Channel.

Jay, his back is out. I'm just massaging him.

There's not going to be any sex unless it costs up the extra 20 bucks.

No, I got 20 bucks.

I'm short -handed because my ex -wife hired away my best man for her moving

company. Hey, we could help you. Wait, let's see what the ex -wife pays.

I'll help you too, buddy.

You sure you can?

What happened to your legs?

Scabies.

Mimi kicked him at work today.

Wow, she's your assistant? What does your boss do to you?

You know, you're right.

She's working for me now.

From now on, I'm not taking any more of her crap.

Come on, let's go celebrate.

These days of messing with me are over.

Hey.

Kick me brand jackets.

I used to wear these in high school.

Yeah, they went real good with your Nimrod hat.

real clever.

You know, it looks like lick me.

Oh, that explains the trouble I had on the bus today.

Mr.

Perry.

I'm Kim Decker. I'm here to interview for the housewares position.

Oh, what a coincidence. I'm here to interview people for the housewares

position.

have a seat you collect troll dolls no uh those belong to my assistant i

put just pictures of my family on the desk

i

see you went to the university of wisconsin he said looking at her chest

that's right and i made dean's list all four years oh very impressive

i only have uh one important question could you ever be attracted to a fat man

Would you mind waiting out in the lobby? I have something to do right now and I

don't want any witnesses.

All right, let's get this straight, Mimi. I am your boss now, and I expect

to treat me with a little bit of respect.

How little?

Like when you put on a little eye shadow.

And you know, all this stuff is just very unprofessional.

Is that what your mom used to say to your dates?

Put the trolls down or I'll put a staple right between your eyes.

You don't have the guts.

Try me.

suspended since high school.

wants to get into my apartment.

Because if I was a creep, I'd just do this.

All right, all right.

But I'm warning you, if you touch any of my stuff, you're dead.

Touch it? I can't even stop it from spinning.

Bring it in the bedroom.

Whoa.

You know when you go to a yard sale and you wonder who buys all that crap?

subtlety over there. You might want to get rid of that.

You! What the hell are you doing here? Get out!

Look, I'm sorry, but when I found out my friend was going to be making the

delivery here, I had to come over and talk to you. Wow!

My eyes won't focus.

While you two talk, why don't you just point us to the bedroom?

Behind the beads and past the wigs, and don't touch my life -size Antonio

Banderas.

Look, I tried being your boss. That didn't work.

I can't fire you, and you know I'm not going anywhere either.

So... Would you consider joining me in sensitivity training?

Bite me, dough boy.

Helped a lot of people at my company.

Bite me, stick boy.

It sprayed me. Antonio sprayed me.

It's not that bad, man. It's not that bad.

I told him not to touch Antonio.

Stay here and don't touch anything.

True, let's give it up and wait downstairs.

I don't want to get sprayed, man.

What's the matter with her? Why won't you even try to work this out? How could

someone hate me so much?

I don't know.

What do you think's in the cupboard?

I don't know. Why?

Because if this is the stuff she keeps out here, what do you think she hides?

Oh, my God.

What is it?

Well, it's you.

What are you talking about?

Pictures of you. Hundreds of pictures of you.

Oh, my...

God. Look, it's me at the company picnic.

There's me at Christmas.

There's me at the office.

These are all just pictures of me.

Hey, some damn good pictures of me.

Drew, not this one at the water park.

This is scary, man.

I think she's coming. Put everything back.

Let's just go wait out in the truck. But you wanted to talk to her.

Yeah, that'd be more.

Why'd you get out of there so fast, Drew?

What would you do if you found out that Mimi Bobeck had an entire cabinet filled

with snapshots of you?

I know a girl collected pictures of me, but that was because... Oh, my God.

She's in love with you?

That's so loud.

Who's ever in control of irony could be listening.

You have to admit it to yourself.

But how is it possible?

You know what they say, Drew. There's a fine line between love and hate.

Who's they? All the little tiny jackasses inside your head?

What?

The whole thing is crazy. It doesn't make any sense.

Why not?

Because... Oh, God, please give me something.

Okay, here's why not.

Because she's always trying to get me fired.

And then I'd be out of her life forever.

Or you'd be on the skids and vulnerable.

I'm so sorry, too. Let me lend you a few bucks. Here, put your head on my

shoulder. That's not your shoulder. Who cares? Take me now, my portly stallion.

Take me.

Take me.

You know, I still don't know what I'm going to say to Mimi.

You know, Drew, you're probably making too much of this.

Mimi's a reasonable person.

I mean, after all, she is a woman.

Oh, yeah, here we go.

It's a well -known fact that if women ran the world, there'd be no wars.

Yeah, I'm sure no one would start a fight for no reason if women ran the

Right. Hi, this is England. How come I'm being invaded?

Oh, I think you know why.

Ow! What was that for?

Oh, I think you know why.

Oh, well, Susie's here. At least that's one problem I know how to solve.

Susie, how you doing?

So, Mr. Bell's really got you backed up here, huh?

Look, another one of these things in your inbox.

Thanks. Yeah, that's the trouble with these desk jobs. You're just sitting

all day.

There's always something to do.

That and, well, you know, just... Oh, my God, I'm not.

Well, it's not really for me to say.

Holy...

And I'm afraid I'm going to add to it. I need you to post this opening. It's for

a new buyer in jewelry.

We ought to fire the other one because it's just so easy to steal from there.

Mimi!

Yeah?

Well, you know, we kind of got interrupted yesterday and I don't know

this exactly. It's kind of delicate.

Oh? Yeah, you know, something Sometimes when people act as though they hate each

other, well, one of these people may be having feelings that are the opposite of

what they seem.

Really? Yes. And to protect those real feelings, or maybe they fear rejection,

or maybe it's just a totally screwed up individual.

Just a guess.

They act towards the other person with a lot of, you know, hostility.

What are you talking about?

Mimi, you have a cover full of my pictures.

No, I don't. I saw it.

Well, it's just a little cupboard. Little?

It's like a museum of me in there. It's like the druve.

So, what's the big deal?

What's the big deal? You're in love with me. There, you said it.

In love with you?

I'll show you who's going to love you.

I've been sending those pictures to lonely male prisoners along with this

letter.

When you get out?

Your first date should be in about six months.

Three with good behavior.

How many of these did you just send out?

None.

I realized it got out of hand when Mr. Bell almost fired us.

Yeah, no kidding.

What are we going to do about this?

Oh, this?

I already took care of this.

Three, two...

Yes, Mr. Bell.

Is Mimi there?

Yes, sir. I'm right here.

Mimi, listen, I need you back at my desk immediately.

Susie's going to be moving to a different position.

I bet it's still under Mr. Bell.

Fire and jewelry.

And you didn't even consider me?

Oh, wow, that job would have been perfect for you.

Oh, it would have been better pay, shorter hours, you would have got to

it would have been your dream job.

Bite me, doe girl.

I guess I deserve that.

Oh, I alphabetized your recent hirees and rescheduled your appointment so you

could take a lunch break.

Wow. You mean I'm all caught up?

Yeah. If you want to review the discs, they're in the top left -hand drawer.

Oh.

Gee.

I don't know what to say.

Thanks,

Mimi.

My pleasure.

Let's get down to business.

An authentic pair of Antonio Banderas boxer shorts.

Wait a minute. If they're authentic, how do you get them?

Oh, you want to know my source?

Two words. Bite me.

Wait a minute.

Polly Cotton Blend?

If you read your Antonio Banderas fan literature, you'd know.

He only wears 100 % cotton.

Get out! Take your skeevy underwear with you!

Danny Bonaduce?

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