Original subtitles

Look, I'm really sorry about this, Joe, but Mr.

Bell wants me to check up on all the employee health claims for fraud, and he

was kind of wondering if you, you know, really had a wooden leg.

Oh, so I guess we can skip the questions about the glass eye, huh?

Hey, that's my letter opener.

Why don't you just go ahead and keep that?

Thank you for shopping, Winfred Lauder, and please drive safely.

So you can come back and we can gouge you on our prices again.

Oh, no, is this thing on?

Do you believe this ice storm? I just saw a bird hit the window and shatter.

Oh, man, so you took the bus, too?

No, actually, I just got a carpool.

Oh, you have room for one more?

Oh, I think it might be awkward. Joe Thompson is driving.

Oh, yeah, he asked me to give you this, but just say I stuck it in your thigh.

Oh, man, how am I going to get home?

Get another carpool, quick.

I can't go running around the store looking for a carpool. I've got to

this up for Mr. Bell before he leaves.

Oh, man, I knew it would come to this.

Mimi, I'm sorry for everything I've ever said to you.

Forget it, Frosty. Stand in the corner of the rest of the losers and grab a

bumper.

No, Mimi.

Drew's asking for a simple act of kindness.

Okay.

Here's last month's urgent messages.

You know, you could always catch a ride with the Optimist Club.

Oh, you think I wouldn't?

Oh, that's a great idea. Thanks, Mimi. You're a saint.

Bernard.

She's right, Drew. No.

Oh, not the Optimist Club. I can't. Don't make me. It's an emergency.

You could be stranded here all night.

So? I've got coffee. I've seen Mimi jiggle food out of the vending machines.

I could live on honey buns for a night. I've done it before.

Damn it. There's no choice.

You better go. Be careful.

You too. Call me when you get home. All right. All right.

Hi, Faith.

How do you do?

So how are things at the Optimist Club?

Drew, can you believe this ice storm?

What luck. I just got an ice scraper that looks like a bear claw.

Grr.

So, you got room for one more in the carpool?

Always room for one more. But hurry. Everybody in the carpool is anxious to

home and share this terrific ice storm with their families.

Okay. I just got to do this one more thing for Mr. Belbo.

So, I'll try to hurry up. Uh -uh.

Be optimistic.

Someday I'm gonna marry that gal.

Okay, just print this up for Mr. Bell. Let's see.

Oh, backslash, backslash, semicolon, semicolon, command dot E.

Oh, come on, don't freeze up on me now.

I hope I remember to hit save.

Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight.

Guide her to Cleveland, underneath your silvery light.

We're going bowling, to loser and soul.

How come nobody ever told me?

You're supposed to be dead.

What? What are you talking about?

Your carpool was in a horrible accident.

The optimists were all so positive they could beat that train.

Oh, my God.

Was anybody hurt? The news said that everybody was listed in serious

except for one casualty, a heavyset man in his late 50s.

have been me guess i'll have to cancel the party i'll just take that six -foot

hoagie over to the homeless shelter but only three feet make it there

hey jay did you hear i'm alive i should have been in that

carpool but i wasn't so i'm alive oh they took my stapler you jackals but it

doesn't matter though because i'm alive i know it's so weird the whole store

thinks you're dead on the first floor They're saying that your severed hand

found 50 yards from the car, still clutching a burger.

So the whole store is mourning my death?

Um, well, they're expressing some emotion relating to your death. Yeah, mm

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, if they're dancing now, where do they find out you're

I can't find it. It's not in any...

trade it for some old playboys?

Oh, Oswald, I don't think I traded in the family Bible for some old playboys.

Hey, look.

It's my old scout uniform.

Oh.

You got a merit badge for being a triathlete? Oh, actually, I got it for

catching the scoutmaster smoking a doobie up at the lake.

Oh, this badge fell off. Oh, what's it for?

Sewing.

Hey, how you doing? Hi. Hi.

All right, Drew, what'd you do with the Scout?

Ah, it's Walt and I.

I'm trying to find my family Bible.

I left something very important in it. Oh, you traded that Bible to me for some

old Playboys.

Yeah, but you traded it to me for my mom's Playgirls.

Oh, yeah, and you traded it to me for my kid brother.

Wait, wait, wait. So you have the Bible?

No, I gave it back to Drew after he got weirded out by the exorcist.

Hey, guys, this wouldn't be the Bob you're looking for here in the

would it? Duh.

Here it is.

Now, this is what I've been looking for. What is it?

It's a list I made when I was 12 of things I wanted to accomplish before I

Oh, my God, how embarrassing.

Number one, touch a boobie.

There's still time, Drew.

Number two, get faced.

Gee, you were really deep.

Number three, gain weight.

Boy, when you put your mind to something, you're... Number four, get

have a family. Number five, buy mom a house. Number six, give a year to God.

Yeah, I was 14.

Remember, I wanted to be a minister.

Man, I'd totally gotten off track.

You know, what if I had died in that car crash?

I would only accomplish, look, two, three and a half of these things.

It's never wrong to want to do something with your life, but you could have just

missed that carpool by coincidence.

No, there's got to be a reason.

Computers just don't catch fire.

Why was I spared and one of the members of the Optimist Club taken?

Look at his obituary.

Why did he die and nothing happen to me? Josh Tilden, 54, Rotary Club, Big

Brothers, organ donor, Humane Society, foster parents, Save the Children, Peace

Corps, Meals on Wheels.

Well, I mean, it doesn't say one thing about touching a boobie.

You know, Drew, there's one place you can go to get definitive answers on the

most spiritual question.

We used a Ouija board to communicate with Marilyn Monroe.

Really? And what did she say? I was killed by the Kenna. And then it just

stopped.

Here we go.

Why was I spared?

What am I supposed to do with my life?

What am I supposed to be? Wait, wait, it's still moving.

B -E -R.

B -E -R.

B -E -R. Beer. Beer. I thought you'd never ask. Thanks, demon.

The demon once imported.

Okay. Look at me talking to spirits for guidance.

If I'm going to talk to someone and know what they're doing, I'm going to go

crazy. Here.

Oh, hoary host of the netherworld, should I go talk to my minister?

No.

No, no, I'm spelling chips. Where do you keep the barbecue?

Boy, until you never fight over a parking space with a Christian, they

assume kill you is look at you.

You know, Drew, if there's one place that will explain to you how missing a

carpool is an act of God, this is it.

Yeah, it's like today's sermon was tailor -made for your situation.

God's message to all of us. I will smite one person every day until more people

take the bus.

And I hope Reverend Lindeman recognizes me. It's been kind of a while.

Reverend Lindeman.

Hey, remember me?

Of course I do.

You look great.

Really? Really. It's great to see you, George.

How's that son of yours, Drew?

He was growing up to be quite a little butterball.

We're talking to the turkey now.

Drew?

Well, look at you. You're all grown up.

Good Lord.

I'm allowed to say that.

It's good to see you back in church.

Actually, I had kind of a problem I wanted to talk to you about. Maybe after

service? Oh, no. I have a few minutes. Would you like to step into my rectory?

No, wait.

We can't. My rectory is closed.

It's being painted.

What is it you want to talk about, Drew?

Well, sir, you see, there was a... I missed my carpool yesterday, and there

an accident.

Someone got killed.

Oh, Tilden, yes, I read about that.

Did you know he used to coach our blind softball team?

Oh.

One, two, three, swing.

What a tremendous loss.

I know that, sir, but...

I think there might have been a more powerful thing at work here. See, I

the carpool because my computer caught fire. Were you running 486 applications

on a 386 processor?

Because that'll do it.

No. What I'm trying to say is I think that God kept me out of that carpool.

Oh, wow.

Wouldn't that be something?

Actually, sir, I was thinking about devoting my life to the church.

Oh, I see.

Well, I can't help you out there, Drew. That's between you and God.

But I can say this.

Follow your heart, and then you'll know what to do.

Now, I have to prepare for this service. It's good to have you back, Drew.

Excuse me, Reverend.

We were having trouble finding a place to sit, and we were wondering, this

rectory of yours doesn't happen to have a...

it this morning in the ladies room he escaped out of my stall i only put him

down for a minute right that's what you said about the ups man oh man this is

great i've been reading about something just like this i think this book can

help yeah me too hit her with it i'll grab the cat let's try something else

first uh give me the kitten i'm gonna cut it in half what no really works can

you give me the cat you're insane

like we did with the UPS man.

Evil, evil, evil, evil, stupid.

Oh, wait, oh, look, a knife and a Bible. Don't tell me, Old Testament.

You know, this religious advice stuff isn't as hard as people make you think.

Well, which reminds me, while the two of you are here, I want to talk about

premarital sex.

Drew, you've got to meet somebody first.

So you're still thinking of becoming a minister, huh?

You haven't been this carried away.

since you had the idea of the little model train that brings your beer.

Well, the choo -choo chug came to me in a dream.

But this is divine intervention.

That's what you said when you came up with the idea for radio -controlled

I'm serious.

Look, the rubber didn't even fasten with this questionnaire.

It's kind of like an informal aptitude test.

I've been sitting around all afternoon answering questions just like that. If

you had the chance, would you kill Hitler?

No, because then we wouldn't have an A &E channel.

Wait a minute.

If I did kill Hitler, I'd be on the AME channel as the guy who killed Hitler.

What about Dawson I killed?

Oh, sure.

What's the part about not touching yourself? I know those.

Drew, we're going to see you later, and I'm sure you're going to figure it out.

Okay. All right.

So, I see you got a Bible here.

Well, let me save you a little reading.

You're going to hell.

to see your place.

What do you know about the Bible?

It just so happens that I'm thinking about becoming a minister.

Oh, I'm going to study with Baryshnikov to be a prima ballerina.

Didn't I see you on Vantasia?

A dumbass spoke with human voice.

Check it out. Second book of Peter.

I can't get dragged into this.

The new Drew has to learn to turn the other cheek.

Well, I hope we're not talking about your butt because I don't have all day.

No, I'm making up a batting order.

It's kind of a moral dilemma.

See, I'm thinking of asking a partially sighted girl to bat clean up.

Have you considered cutting her in half?

That's not really the answer to all your problems, Drew.

Oh, I know that.

Look, I think you'll be really proud of the way I answer these questions.

Oh, can we go over now?

Sure, just give me a few minutes and I'll be right back.

All right, just going to step into my rectory.

Go ahead.

I know you want to.

but could I have a word with you, Reverend?

What's the problem?

This is very complicated, but I really need someone to talk to.

Oh, sure. How hard could it be?

Well, my husband just left me for my sister.

Oh. And I have a child who needs an operation, but I don't have the money. I

just lost my job.

I could get the money. There you go.

It's from a friend who I'm pretty sure stole it. Uh -oh. But from drug dealers.

Is it wrong to take the money?

Hold on just a second.

Let's see.

Lost job, cheating sister, drug money.

Look, uh...

The real minister is in the rectory. Why did you let me tell you all this?

I thought I was ready. I thought I could help you.

If you want to help me, get me a job.

Oh, okay.

What? No, I'm serious.

What do you do?

I've been a waitress.

I have a cafeteria.

I'm a personnel director at Winfrey Ladder downtown.

Just come by Monday morning. I'll set you up.

Just like that?

Yeah.

Just like that.

I'm Faith.

Uh, but don't bring your family.

Hey. Hey, good. Hey, Drew.

So how'd it go with the minister? Did you pass the test?

No, I failed miserably.

I should have killed Hitler.

Lawyers can get into heaven.

And I should have put the oxygen mask on the kid first.

Sorry.

Well, Chipped In got you a little something to help you study for next

wow.

Oh, wow.

A digital Bible.

I always wondered what John 316 meant.

Oh, look.

It says dye your hair three different colors and sit behind home plate.

That's really nice, thanks, but I don't think there's going to be a next time.

Hey, what happened to Reverend Carey?

Well, I thought about it, and I... You know, I can help people with the job I

have now.

Besides, those moral dilemmas were just too complex.

You know, I can't even decide whether Razzles is a candy or a gum.

So what, you're just going to blow up this whole minister thing?

No way. I'm going to start going to church every Sunday.

Right after the Super Bowl.

Me too.

Hey, where's the beer?

Coming right up.

could have been on that train.

Let's see.

Cross. Oh,

darn, I forgot my Bible.

Oh, well, here. Here's mine. Oh, thank you.

Touch a boobie.

I believe this is yours.

Oh, we're getting closer. Can you feel the chill? Uh, well, a little.

There she is right there.

Commence the exorcism.

just a woman what do you want we're going to need a catholic for

this

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