Original subtitles

Everyone around, please. You got it. Okay, are you guys driving tonight?

Don't worry about us. We're taking the bus. We're totally against drinking and

driving. That may not be cool.

That's what we believe in.

Actually, I'm just looking for a ride home.

Are you guys driving tonight?

You know, tonight's the night.

I'm going to ask her out. Hey, I was going to ask her out.

Man, I'm so tired of you guys talking about it and chickening out.

By the time you get around to it, she's going to be a gray -haired, chain

-smoking, alcoholic barmaid.

Hey, by then, maybe I'll want to go out with her.

Oh, what the heck. I got nothing to lose.

Excuse me.

I'll have the beer for just a second. No, please.

Look, Oswald and I here both want to ask you out, but...

You know, we're buddies, and it's kind of awkward, so we're leaving that up to

you. Well, I don't know. I mean, if I were going to go for looks or someone

my type, I'd go for Oswald. Yes.

But if I was going to go for someone more stable who tips, I'd go for Drew.

I knew a 12 .5 % gratuity wouldn't go unnoticed.

So I guess the only thing to do is go out with both of you once, get to know

you, see who I like better.

Give me a minute.

You want us to compete against each other?

Me and my best friend in the whole world, Oswald?

What, are you going to compare us like two pieces of meat? Well, homie, don't

play that game.

Yeah. No woman, I don't care how good looking you are, is going to drive a

between me and my best pal here.

Homo, don't play that game either.

Homie. Homie, I thought that didn't sound right.

Well, forget it. You asked me.

Can you believe that?

The nerve.

Yeah. Starting to pit us against each other.

Wait a second.

Did she say she'd actually go out with us?

Oh, my God.

Hold on.

She said she'd go out with both of us.

She hardly even thought about it.

Well, I want someone a little more selective than that.

She's so quick to go out with both of us. Who won't she go out with? Hey, you

guys are getting good at this. Pretty soon you won't even need the woman.

Until then.

Oh,

Drew, Drew, you won't believe this.

Remember that kid we went to school with, Bubble Butt Wilson?

Uh -huh. He just sold his microchip company for $17 .5 million.

Yeah, but he's got to pay like $9 million in taxes on that. That's not

smart.

Hey, look, I found a nickel.

Uncle Sam doesn't have to know about this.

Yes, Mr. Bell.

Gary, is my nephew there?

I'm not sure.

What's he wearing?

Well, he should be there soon.

His name's McClain, Bell.

He just got his business degree from Kent State.

Oh, business skills must run in the family, sir. Ah.

things i've been meaning and i'm giving you a promotion for a middle -aged man

you look good in jeans this kid needs a good kick in the pants this isn't a

freebie he's got to be able to do the job not like my grandma lily in the

room i want you to teach him everything you know don't let me down you want me

to be happy don't you gary not just happy sir but

promotion in less years than it took me to finish college.

Seven must be my lucky number.

Hi, I'm Blaine Bell, the boss's nephew, but I want you to treat me the same way

that you would treat any other boss's nephew.

Hi, I'm Kate O 'Brien, cosmetics, and you're what, 20?

21.

Why? Oh, just doing the math.

Hi, I'm Blaine, your uncle told me great things about you.

That's all. Otherwise, he wouldn't have threatened me.

Look, I'm sorry. I really appreciate what you're supposed to do for me, but

isn't there like a pamphlet I can read or a video I can watch?

Wayne, you can't learn this job by watching a video.

Look, my uncle told me that all I'd have to do was come in, hang around for a

few hours, smile for the execs, flash my business degree, and I'm in.

Well, I don't know what he told you, but he told me to get you into shape

because you are going to be the new assistant director of personnel.

Wow. Assistant director of personnel right out of college?

Cool.

How long did it take you?

Anyway, kid, it's not going to be easy.

You're going to have to use everything you learned in business school.

Well, the only thing I learned in business school was how to cheat at

Oh, and how to suck up.

Ask me how you look today.

Okay, how do I look today?

It's like standing too close to the sun, sir.

A bell that sets up to me.

I know it's phony, but, you know, it feels so good.

Well, speaking of feeling good, how are we going to get anything done with this

distraction in the office?

Oh, my.

Well, I better get back to my counter by the escalator. Oh.

See ya.

She's cute.

Is she seeing anyone?

Lesson number one.

If you expect to join management, you can't be dating the employees.

I've dipped my donut in the company coffee, and believe me, it hurt.

Here's your tea, Master Blaine.

Thank you, Mimi.

Hey, listen, can you get my car washed this morning?

Oh, of course, I'll do it myself if you want. I do want.

Demon spawn.

You know, I don't know why Uncle Gerald puts up with her. She's rude and angry,

and that makeup, or whatever it is, is quite distracting.

You know, it used to bother me, but now I have this fantasy that her real face

is rotting underneath it.

All right, that helps.

Ugh, this tastes like there's spit in it.

Just spit?

Oh, she must like you.

Uh, Wayne, and the future is a courtesy to our customers, please don't press

every button when you get off the elevator.

I'm sorry, force of habit.

If you want to be an effective assistant director of personnel, you have to have

the respect of your co -workers.

They'll glide there.

Stop it.

You're fired.

You're funny looking.

I'm a mirror.

You're stupid too.

Still a mirror.

Pinhead.

She called me pinhead.

Never called me pinhead before.

to like five.

Yeah, and hold on to your shorts because there's going to be like five in a row.

So let's go to those health care forms.

I can't. I have a treatment for my tennis elbow. Look, I got a note from my

aromatherapist. Oh, man.

We don't do the health care forms.

We got people waiting for their benefits, you know, people with kids,

important medical problems.

Okay, I'll do it.

But, you know, no one ever went to their grave saying, I wish I would have spent

a little more time at work.

No, they went to their grave saying, gee, I wish somebody would have sent me

health care forms.

I'll do it, Drew, but if my serve's off, it's your fault.

Your double fault.

Hi,

Kate. Hey, Drew.

Man, it's killing me. What's wrong?

Can you imagine him as the assistant director of personnel?

People would be coming in from 9 to noon, taking cappuccino breaks every

playing tennis on the roof.

I think he'd better pay for things with bananas well that's all you want kate

but the work ethic is just about gone in this country no it is not it lives

right here in the body of kate o 'brien i just sold something that's never been

sold before do you know that giant lapel bottle filled with colored water i got

150 dollars for it colored water huh yeah you know uh i always wondered what

in those bottles because it always struck me odd that they would retail for

two thousand dollars

You could lose your job over this. No.

What am I going to do?

What happened?

Look, this isn't for anyone's ears, but Kate accidentally sold a giant bottle of

perfume for way less than it was worth.

So we are going to cover for her, and she's going to pay back a little to the

register every week.

Oh, crap. I gave her a tote bag.

Ducks seem to be qualified for the promotion. And, well, we do have an

Unfortunately, one of our best guards let somebody walk off with one of those

-pound bottles of perfume.

I thought those were just colored water.

Yeah, well, anyway, we got a transfer.

Any leads on the perp?

Look, you got good instincts. You got the job.

Hey, great.

Hey, you won't regret this.

And I'll find that perfume for you.

Yeah, our only clue is he was a one -armed man. See you Monday, buddy.

I thought I felt death nearby.

Well, nice, Drew. My mother just died.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Just kidding.

I wish.

So, I hear something got stolen from your special little friend's department.

Yeah, someone took one of those giant perfume bottles.

Scope or Wild Turkey? Either way, it wasn't you. Yeah.

Bell, $2 ,000 worth of perfume for $150.

What? Who told you that?

I overheard Blaine telling Bell on a phone conversation all about it. You

wouldn't stab me in the back. It would aggravate his tennis elbow.

Oh, yeah? He said, fire Drew. He's protecting a thief.

Oh, man.

Did he say anything else?

Yeah. He said, while you're cleaning house, fire that hot blonde that sits

outside your office.

That may not be an exact quote.

Bell asked me to do him a favor, I do it, and now I'm screwed.

You? I gave his dog a birthday party for nothing.

Listen, Luthor.

You're an evil criminal genius, and I'm a superhero from Krypton.

But just this once, we have to work together for a greater cause.

I don't know.

Mimi, next time you gas my car, can you kindly return the seat to the original

position?

Thanks, babe.

You know, separately we're nothing.

But together, we're 800 pounds of trouble.

tomorrow morning over coffee.

I couldn't wait.

Do you know what the little snot did to me tonight?

He had me wait for three hours in line to buy him tickets to the gangsta rap -a

-thon.

So I take it you're not down with OPP.

Here, let me take your coat.

Just keep your hands off Piggy.

Mimi, I wouldn't turn the lights out if we were in London during the Blitz.

Hey, Drew.

And Mimi.

We came by to see if you wanted to go out drinking, but obviously you both

already been.

We're trying to come up with a plan to get rid of Mr. Bell's nephew.

Why would you try to get rid of Blaine? He's so cute.

He's trying to get me fired because he thinks that's the only way he can get my

job. That's ridiculous.

He's so cute.

I heard him on the phone telling Bell about how you cost the company $2 ,000

then lied to cover your butt. That cute bastard!

We'll be at the workshop.

Where are all the honest, attractive people?

I feel so all alone.

How do you think I feel? Honest, attractive, and clean.

What do you got?

Let's see, I got beer, beer mustard, beer bread, beer nuts, beer breaded

and Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey.

Chunky Monkey's my favorite.

You know, there's really no monkeys in here.

Damn animal rights activists.

You know, your house is pretty neat.

I mean, for a bachelor.

Yeah, I like it this way.

It's one of the best things about living alone.

That, and you know all that stuff that gets caught in the drain?

It's yours.

I like being single.

I mean, I could go out with all kinds of guys, but I enjoy my privacy.

I'm sure they appreciate it, too.

You know, until we find a plan for getting rid of Blaine, we're going to

get together every single night.

Oh, God, we'd better get to work.

Okay, I got a plan.

What if we put a trace amount of poison in his coffee every day until it builds

up and finally kills him?

Does that work?

I don't know. Ask me in two months.

You know, it'll smile more. It really makes a difference.

Really? You think so?

Yeah.

And, you know, I'm no expert, but I think a lot of guys prefer a little more

a natural look.

I think it's okay to help nature a little.

I mean, it's a lot of work, but I care about my appearance.

I think of makeup as my palette and my face as my canvas.

No, it's a good thing we're friends right now.

All we're gonna do is get Blaine to do something wrong.

All right, I got one last plan.

Still involves murder, not his.

First, we need a dead hooker.

Oh, why don't you take this interview, Blaine? It'll be good practice for when

you get the job. Oh, all right.

How long did you work at Sears, Mr.

Vermicelli?

Vermicelli. I'm sorry, Vermicelli.

What was the question?

answer the question, sir?

Seven years.

Uh, look, Blaine, it looks like you got this under control. You want some

coffee? Yeah, sure.

Look, uh, while your boss isn't here, I need this job real bad, and, well, I got

a couple felonies I need you to overlook.

Need any references? I'm sure Mr.

Franklin can vouch for me.

You know, I'm gonna take that just as soon as that security camera swings back

this way.

Back to, uh, generally.

Hey, Blaine.

Hey, Kate.

Where's Drew?

He went to get coffee. Look, let's cut to the chase.

You, me, Xerox room.

I'm gonna rock your world.

Okay. Really?

Okay. All right. You go first and get ready.

You know what? I think we need a code word, though, so that I'll know it's you

at the door. Okay, how about, are you naked? Because I have a camera and Drew

wants to get you fired.

Oh, Drew, Mimi.

You guys don't deserve your jobs, but this is the best you can do.

Hey, man.

Hey. You want to buy some joints?

No.

In that case, is anybody constipated?

Look, I'm sorry I snitched, man.

Sorry? This is going to cost me my job.

Well, you said you might not hire me, and I wasn't going to waste all this

learning your job when I already know my uncle's phone number.

Oh, yeah?

Two people know that phone number.

Oh, what are you going to tell him? That he should side with you and not his own

flesh and blood?

No. I'm going to tell him a tale of treachery and deceit.

Jerry Bell!

It won't work, Drew.

Oh, yeah?

Mr. Bell, a certain Susie in sportswear said she left her retainer in your car.

And then I said, are you sure you want me to fire your nephew, Blaine?

You heard me right, Gary.

Get rid of him.

I never taught that in business school. Well, actually, maybe they did. I missed

a couple of classes a day. Hey, listen, no hard feelings.

Why don't I buy you a drink?

Maybe later. I've got to be here a while. I've got to process your

forms.

I'll see you later.

Well, Drew, we did it.

I think I feel a little closer to you now.

Yeah, me too.

Maybe this would be a good time to tell you that I still want that job in

cosmetics.

Yeah, and I'd like to model guest jeans, but guess what?

What?

Listen, jerk, I'll have you know I get compliments on my makeup.

Yeah, I love your makeup. It goes perfectly with the back end of my

Don't be surprised if you find a dead hooker in your bed.

You're not sleeping over me.

Hey, Lisa.

Hey, Drew.

You know, it's closing time.

I know.

I guess you and I are the last two left in the store now, huh?

I guess so.

So, are you going to chicken out?

No. Are you?

Does this look like I'm chickening out?

Does this look like I'm chickening out?

You break it, you buy it.

Hey, you two.

You better get out of here or you're going to get stuck in the store all

Oh, yeah.

Oh, gee.

We didn't realize that.

Yeah, don't worry. I'll stick with Lisa and make sure she gets out okay. But

thanks a lot, Chuck. You're doing a great job.

All right.

But remember, you do not want to get stuck in here with Satan and his

What's that?

As soon as we turn on the security alarm, we release a pack of vicious dogs

patrol the store.

Okay, we'll watch out for the dogs.

So, mattresses?

Or belts and purses?

About the big table in the boardroom.

Surrounded by portraits of old men? Let's do it.

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