All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s01e13 Drew and the Unstable Element

starving. Hey, don't eat the only
healthy thing in my lunch. Have one of

fried mozzarella balls.

Don't you have any plastic wrap at home?

That's my new self -help program.

Every day I wrap my sandwich in an
inspirational article that I can read it

while I'm eating.

How to hypnotize women.

Kate, you won't tell anyone about this.

Maybe. No, I mean, Kate, you won't tell
anyone about this.

Do you believe this guy? Hey!

What?

fruit roll.

These are the last four people that'll
ride in a carpool with me. Don't blow

okay?

What?

He's so weird, Drew.

Oh, he's just rocking out to some tape.

James Earl Jones reads Schindler's List.

Moon over Parma, bring my love to me
tonight.

Guide her to Cleveland, underneath your
silvery light.

We're going bowling, so don't lose her
in Solon.

Moon over Parma tonight.

All right.

It's 30 degrees below with the
windshield, but I was able to rack up

and break. Did you sink anything?

Part of the nine ball went in the side
pocket.

The rest of it just scattered around the
yard.

Coming right up.

And we got gloves.

The secret's in the cinnamon.

That's so cute, the way you join in all
our little reindeer games.

You know, on days like this, my real
crazy friends, they sit around a

and toast marshmallows.

Why do you guys have to play pool on the
coldest day of the year?

I don't know. Why do you celebrate New
Year's on the first day of the year?

There's no logic behind it. You just do
it.

We can't afford to heat the whole
outdoors.

Man, I hope it's cold tomorrow so I
don't have to go to work.

I still haven't done my employee
evaluation.

I hope you're sensitive with those
evaluations, Drew.

You don't want to write down something
like, I don't know, for example, the

guy's got a goofy haircut.

That could really hurt someone.

Earl's evaluation, I've got a few things
to add because the way he was acting in

the car this morning, it was just the
tip of the iceberg.

Who's Earl? Oh, he's a guy I hired a few
months ago. Nice guy.

Bit of a loner. Kind of quiet.

Always carries around a hat box.

Come on, I'm serious. He's always
creeped me out, but now he stares at me

the time. Oh, I'm sure it's not all the
time.

I knew you'd say that.

He was staring at me at 10 when he went
to get coffee. At 10 .15 when he went to

wash his hands. At 10 .40 when he took
his break.

At 10 .50 when he did his deep knee
bends. At 11 .20 when he cracked every

single knuckle.

So every time you're spying on him, he's
staring at you?

Exactly. We had a crazy guy at Drug Co.

Turned out he accidentally took a drug
that turned you into a psychopathic axe

murderer.

Not on the market yet. Apparently it
gives you headaches.

All right, Kate, if I make you feel
better, I'll go talk to Earl.

Thanks. Oh, by the way, he also thinks
he's the store manager.

It's probably just an affirmation. If
you say those things over and over, you

know they come true.

I learned that from my ham and cheese
sandwich yesterday.

I scratched.

And either it's really cold out there or
there's a lot more room in my

underwear.

Oh, look. One of the mannequins escaped
from the big and useless department.

What are you doing here?

Or look at a car wreck.

Listen, just so I don't start any
rumors, who are you buying a tie for?

Just someone special, as if you cared.

Someone I know?

I don't know. Maybe.

Here's his picture.

Antonio Banderas?

Your special someone is Antonio
Banderas.

Does he know about this?

Let me guess, you write to him and then
he sends you back an autographed

restraining order.

Hey, it's no different than that thing
between you and Sarah Lee.

Hey, I only wrote to her once.

That was a great idea, a cake you can
eat in the shower.

Hey, Drew.

Mimi, you find anything yet? Nah, I'm
still looking.

Wait a minute.

Gummy bra.

Oh, she should wash it out then.

You know, so what can I do for you?

Oh, you know, just making my rounds.

Making sure everybody's happy.

Just wanted to say hi.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, and I need to buy a tie.

Okay, well, let me just... Hey, you
touch it, you buy it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay, well, don't bother.

They're all messed up now.

Anyway, I'll just start again.

Hey, just out of curiosity, Earl, did
you lose your hair or did you pull it

I'm doing it again.

Who? Kate. She's staring at me.

She does this all day long.

She makes me feel like Charlton Heston
in that ape movie.

Planet of the Apes?

No.

Beneath the Planet of the Apes. That's
the one.

Wow, that's so funny. She thinks you're
staring at her and you think she's

staring at... Hey, whoa.

You didn't have to touch me.

I'm sorry. I didn't know. I mean, hey,
you wouldn't like it if I just...

came up and started touching you.

I wouldn't like it. I don't like it. I'm
not liking it.

Well, you can tell Kate and any other
employee that has a problem that they

mind their own business.

Look, nobody's hassling you here, pal.
It's okay. Just calm down.

You know, just keep up the good work.
All right, well, thanks for stopping by,

Drew. Now, if you don't mind, I got a
department store to manage.

Man, I should have known he was nuts by
those crazy glasses.

The no -touching thing, the anal tie
thing, the delusions of power thing,

got all the classic textbook signs of a
thing.

Or at least something in the thing
family.

So, he is crazy.

Hey, I don't want to be the first to say
anybody's crazy.

I already said it.

Then I concur.

He's wicky and the wacky woo.

How did I miss it?

We gave him a psychological profile. He
passed with flying colors.

Look, under the question, have you ever
had seizures, blackouts, or been

institutionalized? It says never. It
doesn't say never.

It says over.

Has it turned over?

No, it doesn't.

Oh, my God.

What's it say? Oh, it says in so many
words, technically speaking, that he's

wicky in the wacky womb.

Boy, look at all these institutions.

Institution for the Criminally Insane.

Institution for the Criminally Insane.
Oh, Yale University.

Outpatient facility for the Criminally
Insane.

Fire the guy. What's the problem?

Well, legally, first I got an offer to
send him to the company shrink.

I hear she's really good. I think she's
Freudian. How do you know?

She has a beard. She smokes a cigar.

Drew, you got to get rid of this guy and
fast.

Here's what you do. You walk up to Earl,
grab Mimi, use her as a human shield

and say, Earl, you're fired.

Well, there's got to be a better way. I
don't want to grab Mimi.

Oh, what am I worried about? I've fired
people before. I can do it again.

Besides, we learned all about this in
our termination seminar.

You just got to be calm, speak in a
confident voice, and never end a

with, oh, yeah, big shot. I dare you.

that says you're going to fire him.

That's right.

You can't do that. I like him. I like
the way he looks at me.

I'm like a lady.

He's looking at you like a trench coat.
He wants your skin.

Really? So he's nuts?

Uh -huh.

It's always the cute ones.

Oh, hi, Earl. I gotta go, but please
feel free to use any of the sharp

on my desk.

What'd you want? Well, actually, there's
something I need to talk to you about,

Earl. Why don't you come on in and have
a seat?

Wait a minute, Drew. Your necktie isn't
tied right.

Can't have an executive walking around
like that.

Now, what is it you wanted to say?

Well, the thing is, Earl, we're phasing
out the tie department.

Huh? Yeah.

That's right. We're phasing out ties
altogether.

Tab collars are in. I blame the French.

But what about my job?

Oh, Earl, there's lots of other
positions out there.

You know, my mom always said, God never
closes a door without opening a window.

You know, my mother always said, Close
that damn door or I will throw you out

that window!

You know, Earl, we have a psychologist

here at Winfrey Lab.

Crazy? Is that why you're firing me?

Oh, Earl, who's to say who's crazy? You
know, except for the nine or ten doctors

on the back of your application.

Look, I see what's going on here.

You know, you're firing me at the end of
the day, trying to make me feel

valuable. Oh, Tom, I almost forgot.
Wait.

Earl, you're very valuable to us.

Chuck. All right.

So where's the security guard?

You know, they always have one hiding
somewhere nearby.

Well, I don't.

Oh, so I could kill you right now and no
one would stop me?

He's behind the post. Chuck! Chuck,
Chuck. Oh, Chuck.

All right.

Why don't you come with me, Earl? Don't
touch him. We'll pick up your personal

belongings and walk quietly to your car.

Oh, feel free to make a break for it.
It's been kind of a slow day.

See you later, Earl.

Oh, you will, because you've got to go
home sometime, right? Oh, yeah. You come

to my house, pal.

You don't even know where I live.

720...

Sedgwick. Oh, yeah, that's where I used
to live, right before I moved.

In about an hour.

Jay, honey, I've been thinking about us.

Ooh, are we naked and covered in
daisies?

Yes, and we're seeing each other
exclusively.

Gee, look how fast we got dressed.

Look, I don't want to pressure you into
anything I know. that you're just coming

out of a difficult relationship.

So, what do you say?

Exclusive or not? Ow, ow, yes!

Hey, everybody, we're going steady!

Boy,

I hate to see what you grabbed for a
marriage proposal.

That's so cute.

Drew, I thought you were going straight
home after work.

You're not scared to go home, are you?

Why would I be scared? I stopped at my
house before I came here.

Oh, so you're not worried that Earl
might be hiding in the bushes waiting to

kill you? Oh, of course not.

Wait a minute.

Is that why you made me wear your hat
and coat when I went inside to get your

mail?

Please, what an imagination.

Then how come you sat in the car and
kept yelling, hurry up, Drew?

I got confused.

You look so much like me in my hat and
coat. Oh!

He's not a stalker. Besides, it's been
three hours since you fired him. Most

disgruntled employees strike within...
Oh, sorry.

Right about now. Watch your back!

Got you.

Yeah, you got me.

Can we stop it now, all right? I just
want to put this day behind me. Behind

you? Yeah, behind me. No, behind you.
It's Earl.

Got you good.

All right, everybody put their hands on
the table.

Hey!

Okay, I'll laugh along as if I know what
the joke is.

Oh, my side hurts.

He fired Earl.

Earl's here.

Hey, Louis, see the joke? Leave my bite
of the joke.

No, Drew, he's not kidding. Earl is
sitting over there.

Oh, really? If Earl was sitting behind
me, would I do this?

Hey, Earl, how many finger am I holding
up?

Okay, nobody's laughing, so I take it
Earl really is sitting behind me? Drew,

get out of here.

I gotta go talk to him.

Nope, nope, nope.

There's too many people here.

I'll do this later.

All right, the basement's clear.

Attic's empty.

There's no one in the bathroom.

I've called that one.

All right.

Thanks for stopping by. Everything's
fine. I'm cool.

Hey, man, we don't mind sticking around,
although we know you're a brave guy.

Bubbles.

Come on, you don't have to stick around.

Everything's going to be okay.

No, we want to. It'll be fun. It'll be
like a slumber party.

Or it'll be like a slumber party
massacre.

Somebody goes out to have sex and gets
killed.

Okay, you guys can stay, but just one
night.

No psycho killer humor.

Sure.

I'll get it.

Drew, you can't just open the door.

Yeah, there's a lunatic after you.

I ordered a pizza.

I guess the Domino's guy forgot our
secret knock.

It's Chuck from security. What's he
doing here? Oh, I forgot. I told him

was going on with Earl and I asked him
to stop by.

Bang! You're dead.

Very stupid move, Drew. Let me in and
close the door.

How'd you know I wasn't behind the door
with a gun?

I've already been in the house three
times, Drew.

Or should I say, Mr. Bubble?

You mean you can get in and out of my
house without me knowing it?

Well, it might have been a bit more
difficult if the fake plastic rock with

key in it wasn't sitting under the
welcome mat.

Well, it's easier than sticking up the
ceramic frog's butt, let me tell you.

You know, I never had to worry about
that stuff before. I don't want to start

having to worry about that now.

Well, you better start now, Drew.

One out of every eight stalking cases is
a disgruntled ex -employee. The other

seven are unrequited love.

So you're safe there.

Look, I appreciate you stopping by, but
I think we have everything under

control. Yeah, right. All right, people.

We work together, we can get this done
quickly.

Kate, close all the blinds and the
drapes. Okay. You, tall guy.

We're going to set up a few tripwires.

You, Jay, go shovel the walk.

Thanks, Chuck, but I don't think I
really need all this stuff. You're not

to die on my watch, Drew.

Curly, go find me a tape recorder.

I don't want a call coming into this
house that's not on tape.

Curly, I like that.

Hey, what are you going to call me?

Annoying. Let's go. We have work to do.

Hold it. Stop.

So far... I can't go to my favorite bar
without being watched. I can't pick up

my own mail. I can't even talk on the
phone without it being recorded.

You know, what the hell is it going to
take for me to feel safe?

A 24 -hour police watch?

An unlisted number?

An electronic security system?

Or you could just move.

That's it. Thanks for everything. But
I'm not going to spend the rest of my

hiding from this guy on the off chance
he might show up.

You know, some people spend their whole
lives running from danger, but I'm not

going to do that.

True. You have a surge protector on your
electric toothbrush.

Hey. Seven out of ten household
accidents occur in the mouth.

Are you sure you don't want us to stay?

Yeah, look, I appreciate everybody's
concern, but, you know, it's time for

guys to go.

Thanks.

Take it easy, Drew. It's all under
control. Thanks, see ya.

Ah!

That's your first mistake. Now I'm going
to go upstairs, I'm going to get my

bat, and I'm going to come down here and
show you your second mistake, which was

waiting for me to go upstairs and get my
bat.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm not here for the reason you think.

I just need to talk to you.

I came by the Warsaw tonight, but I
couldn't do it in front of your friends.

That's what you wanted?

Yeah. I don't want to lose my job, Drew.

If you think I should talk to the
company shrink, then I guess I'm willing

it. Really?

Yeah, that's all I wanted was to get her
number.

You're not mad at me?

Nah. You were just doing your job.

Oh, man, well, I gotta admit, I was
pretty scared there for a while. I mean,

whole life flashed before my eyes, and
boy, I should have never gone with that

perm.

Listen, why don't you wait right here?
I'll go get the number of that shrink.

Okay.

You know, I may have misjudged you, but,
you know, you gotta admit, you were

acting kind of crazy.

Yeah, I know, but I think I'm ready to
take matters into my own hands And

my problem.

You just got to really be proud of
yourself, for real.

Right back.

I'm just really glad we got to work this
thing out, you know?

I mean, I just love happy endings.

Me too.

Me too.

find my beeper, he would have shot you.

Really? Yeah.

I'll hold him here, Drew. You go call
the cops.

All right, but before the cops get here,
I want you to think about this.

In closing, my darling Mimi, I will love
you longer than time itself.

Eternal years, Antonio Banderas.