Original subtitles

starving. Hey, don't eat the only healthy thing in my lunch. Have one of

fried mozzarella balls.

Don't you have any plastic wrap at home?

That's my new self -help program.

Every day I wrap my sandwich in an inspirational article that I can read it

while I'm eating.

How to hypnotize women.

Kate, you won't tell anyone about this.

Maybe. No, I mean, Kate, you won't tell anyone about this.

Do you believe this guy? Hey!

What?

fruit roll.

These are the last four people that'll ride in a carpool with me. Don't blow

okay?

What?

He's so weird, Drew.

Oh, he's just rocking out to some tape.

James Earl Jones reads Schindler's List.

Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight.

Guide her to Cleveland, underneath your silvery light.

We're going bowling, so don't lose her in Solon.

Moon over Parma tonight.

All right.

It's 30 degrees below with the windshield, but I was able to rack up

and break. Did you sink anything?

Part of the nine ball went in the side pocket.

The rest of it just scattered around the yard.

Coming right up.

And we got gloves.

The secret's in the cinnamon.

That's so cute, the way you join in all our little reindeer games.

You know, on days like this, my real crazy friends, they sit around a

and toast marshmallows.

Why do you guys have to play pool on the coldest day of the year?

I don't know. Why do you celebrate New Year's on the first day of the year?

There's no logic behind it. You just do it.

We can't afford to heat the whole outdoors.

Man, I hope it's cold tomorrow so I don't have to go to work.

I still haven't done my employee evaluation.

I hope you're sensitive with those evaluations, Drew.

You don't want to write down something like, I don't know, for example, the

guy's got a goofy haircut.

That could really hurt someone.

Earl's evaluation, I've got a few things to add because the way he was acting in

the car this morning, it was just the tip of the iceberg.

Who's Earl? Oh, he's a guy I hired a few months ago. Nice guy.

Bit of a loner. Kind of quiet.

Always carries around a hat box.

Come on, I'm serious. He's always creeped me out, but now he stares at me

the time. Oh, I'm sure it's not all the time.

I knew you'd say that.

He was staring at me at 10 when he went to get coffee. At 10 .15 when he went to

wash his hands. At 10 .40 when he took his break.

At 10 .50 when he did his deep knee bends. At 11 .20 when he cracked every

single knuckle.

So every time you're spying on him, he's staring at you?

Exactly. We had a crazy guy at Drug Co.

Turned out he accidentally took a drug that turned you into a psychopathic axe

murderer.

Not on the market yet. Apparently it gives you headaches.

All right, Kate, if I make you feel better, I'll go talk to Earl.

Thanks. Oh, by the way, he also thinks he's the store manager.

It's probably just an affirmation. If you say those things over and over, you

know they come true.

I learned that from my ham and cheese sandwich yesterday.

I scratched.

And either it's really cold out there or there's a lot more room in my

underwear.

Oh, look. One of the mannequins escaped from the big and useless department.

What are you doing here?

Or look at a car wreck.

Listen, just so I don't start any rumors, who are you buying a tie for?

Just someone special, as if you cared.

Someone I know?

I don't know. Maybe.

Here's his picture.

Antonio Banderas?

Your special someone is Antonio Banderas.

Does he know about this?

Let me guess, you write to him and then he sends you back an autographed

restraining order.

Hey, it's no different than that thing between you and Sarah Lee.

Hey, I only wrote to her once.

That was a great idea, a cake you can eat in the shower.

Hey, Drew.

Mimi, you find anything yet? Nah, I'm still looking.

Wait a minute.

Gummy bra.

Oh, she should wash it out then.

You know, so what can I do for you?

Oh, you know, just making my rounds.

Making sure everybody's happy.

Just wanted to say hi.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, and I need to buy a tie.

Okay, well, let me just... Hey, you touch it, you buy it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay, well, don't bother.

They're all messed up now.

Anyway, I'll just start again.

Hey, just out of curiosity, Earl, did you lose your hair or did you pull it

I'm doing it again.

Who? Kate. She's staring at me.

She does this all day long.

She makes me feel like Charlton Heston in that ape movie.

Planet of the Apes?

No.

Beneath the Planet of the Apes. That's the one.

Wow, that's so funny. She thinks you're staring at her and you think she's

staring at... Hey, whoa.

You didn't have to touch me.

I'm sorry. I didn't know. I mean, hey, you wouldn't like it if I just...

came up and started touching you.

I wouldn't like it. I don't like it. I'm not liking it.

Well, you can tell Kate and any other employee that has a problem that they

mind their own business.

Look, nobody's hassling you here, pal. It's okay. Just calm down.

You know, just keep up the good work. All right, well, thanks for stopping by,

Drew. Now, if you don't mind, I got a department store to manage.

Man, I should have known he was nuts by those crazy glasses.

The no -touching thing, the anal tie thing, the delusions of power thing,

got all the classic textbook signs of a thing.

Or at least something in the thing family.

So, he is crazy.

Hey, I don't want to be the first to say anybody's crazy.

I already said it.

Then I concur.

He's wicky and the wacky woo.

How did I miss it?

We gave him a psychological profile. He passed with flying colors.

Look, under the question, have you ever had seizures, blackouts, or been

institutionalized? It says never. It doesn't say never.

It says over.

Has it turned over?

No, it doesn't.

Oh, my God.

What's it say? Oh, it says in so many words, technically speaking, that he's

wicky in the wacky womb.

Boy, look at all these institutions.

Institution for the Criminally Insane.

Institution for the Criminally Insane. Oh, Yale University.

Outpatient facility for the Criminally Insane.

Fire the guy. What's the problem?

Well, legally, first I got an offer to send him to the company shrink.

I hear she's really good. I think she's Freudian. How do you know?

She has a beard. She smokes a cigar.

Drew, you got to get rid of this guy and fast.

Here's what you do. You walk up to Earl, grab Mimi, use her as a human shield

and say, Earl, you're fired.

Well, there's got to be a better way. I don't want to grab Mimi.

Oh, what am I worried about? I've fired people before. I can do it again.

Besides, we learned all about this in our termination seminar.

You just got to be calm, speak in a confident voice, and never end a

with, oh, yeah, big shot. I dare you.

that says you're going to fire him.

That's right.

You can't do that. I like him. I like the way he looks at me.

I'm like a lady.

He's looking at you like a trench coat. He wants your skin.

Really? So he's nuts?

Uh -huh.

It's always the cute ones.

Oh, hi, Earl. I gotta go, but please feel free to use any of the sharp

on my desk.

What'd you want? Well, actually, there's something I need to talk to you about,

Earl. Why don't you come on in and have a seat?

Wait a minute, Drew. Your necktie isn't tied right.

Can't have an executive walking around like that.

Now, what is it you wanted to say?

Well, the thing is, Earl, we're phasing out the tie department.

Huh? Yeah.

That's right. We're phasing out ties altogether.

Tab collars are in. I blame the French.

But what about my job?

Oh, Earl, there's lots of other positions out there.

You know, my mom always said, God never closes a door without opening a window.

You know, my mother always said, Close that damn door or I will throw you out

that window!

You know, Earl, we have a psychologist

here at Winfrey Lab.

Crazy? Is that why you're firing me?

Oh, Earl, who's to say who's crazy? You know, except for the nine or ten doctors

on the back of your application.

Look, I see what's going on here.

You know, you're firing me at the end of the day, trying to make me feel

valuable. Oh, Tom, I almost forgot. Wait.

Earl, you're very valuable to us.

Chuck. All right.

So where's the security guard?

You know, they always have one hiding somewhere nearby.

Well, I don't.

Oh, so I could kill you right now and no one would stop me?

He's behind the post. Chuck! Chuck, Chuck. Oh, Chuck.

All right.

Why don't you come with me, Earl? Don't touch him. We'll pick up your personal

belongings and walk quietly to your car.

Oh, feel free to make a break for it. It's been kind of a slow day.

See you later, Earl.

Oh, you will, because you've got to go home sometime, right? Oh, yeah. You come

to my house, pal.

You don't even know where I live.

720...

Sedgwick. Oh, yeah, that's where I used to live, right before I moved.

In about an hour.

Jay, honey, I've been thinking about us.

Ooh, are we naked and covered in daisies?

Yes, and we're seeing each other exclusively.

Gee, look how fast we got dressed.

Look, I don't want to pressure you into anything I know. that you're just coming

out of a difficult relationship.

So, what do you say?

Exclusive or not? Ow, ow, yes!

Hey, everybody, we're going steady!

Boy,

I hate to see what you grabbed for a marriage proposal.

That's so cute.

Drew, I thought you were going straight home after work.

You're not scared to go home, are you?

Why would I be scared? I stopped at my house before I came here.

Oh, so you're not worried that Earl might be hiding in the bushes waiting to

kill you? Oh, of course not.

Wait a minute.

Is that why you made me wear your hat and coat when I went inside to get your

mail?

Please, what an imagination.

Then how come you sat in the car and kept yelling, hurry up, Drew?

I got confused.

You look so much like me in my hat and coat. Oh!

He's not a stalker. Besides, it's been three hours since you fired him. Most

disgruntled employees strike within... Oh, sorry.

Right about now. Watch your back!

Got you.

Yeah, you got me.

Can we stop it now, all right? I just want to put this day behind me. Behind

you? Yeah, behind me. No, behind you. It's Earl.

Got you good.

All right, everybody put their hands on the table.

Hey!

Okay, I'll laugh along as if I know what the joke is.

Oh, my side hurts.

He fired Earl.

Earl's here.

Hey, Louis, see the joke? Leave my bite of the joke.

No, Drew, he's not kidding. Earl is sitting over there.

Oh, really? If Earl was sitting behind me, would I do this?

Hey, Earl, how many finger am I holding up?

Okay, nobody's laughing, so I take it Earl really is sitting behind me? Drew,

get out of here.

I gotta go talk to him.

Nope, nope, nope.

There's too many people here.

I'll do this later.

All right, the basement's clear.

Attic's empty.

There's no one in the bathroom.

I've called that one.

All right.

Thanks for stopping by. Everything's fine. I'm cool.

Hey, man, we don't mind sticking around, although we know you're a brave guy.

Bubbles.

Come on, you don't have to stick around.

Everything's going to be okay.

No, we want to. It'll be fun. It'll be like a slumber party.

Or it'll be like a slumber party massacre.

Somebody goes out to have sex and gets killed.

Okay, you guys can stay, but just one night.

No psycho killer humor.

Sure.

I'll get it.

Drew, you can't just open the door.

Yeah, there's a lunatic after you.

I ordered a pizza.

I guess the Domino's guy forgot our secret knock.

It's Chuck from security. What's he doing here? Oh, I forgot. I told him

was going on with Earl and I asked him to stop by.

Bang! You're dead.

Very stupid move, Drew. Let me in and close the door.

How'd you know I wasn't behind the door with a gun?

I've already been in the house three times, Drew.

Or should I say, Mr. Bubble?

You mean you can get in and out of my house without me knowing it?

Well, it might have been a bit more difficult if the fake plastic rock with

key in it wasn't sitting under the welcome mat.

Well, it's easier than sticking up the ceramic frog's butt, let me tell you.

You know, I never had to worry about that stuff before. I don't want to start

having to worry about that now.

Well, you better start now, Drew.

One out of every eight stalking cases is a disgruntled ex -employee. The other

seven are unrequited love.

So you're safe there.

Look, I appreciate you stopping by, but I think we have everything under

control. Yeah, right. All right, people.

We work together, we can get this done quickly.

Kate, close all the blinds and the drapes. Okay. You, tall guy.

We're going to set up a few tripwires.

You, Jay, go shovel the walk.

Thanks, Chuck, but I don't think I really need all this stuff. You're not

to die on my watch, Drew.

Curly, go find me a tape recorder.

I don't want a call coming into this house that's not on tape.

Curly, I like that.

Hey, what are you going to call me?

Annoying. Let's go. We have work to do.

Hold it. Stop.

So far... I can't go to my favorite bar without being watched. I can't pick up

my own mail. I can't even talk on the phone without it being recorded.

You know, what the hell is it going to take for me to feel safe?

A 24 -hour police watch?

An unlisted number?

An electronic security system?

Or you could just move.

That's it. Thanks for everything. But I'm not going to spend the rest of my

hiding from this guy on the off chance he might show up.

You know, some people spend their whole lives running from danger, but I'm not

going to do that.

True. You have a surge protector on your electric toothbrush.

Hey. Seven out of ten household accidents occur in the mouth.

Are you sure you don't want us to stay?

Yeah, look, I appreciate everybody's concern, but, you know, it's time for

guys to go.

Thanks.

Take it easy, Drew. It's all under control. Thanks, see ya.

Ah!

That's your first mistake. Now I'm going to go upstairs, I'm going to get my

bat, and I'm going to come down here and show you your second mistake, which was

waiting for me to go upstairs and get my bat.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm not here for the reason you think.

I just need to talk to you.

I came by the Warsaw tonight, but I couldn't do it in front of your friends.

That's what you wanted?

Yeah. I don't want to lose my job, Drew.

If you think I should talk to the company shrink, then I guess I'm willing

it. Really?

Yeah, that's all I wanted was to get her number.

You're not mad at me?

Nah. You were just doing your job.

Oh, man, well, I gotta admit, I was pretty scared there for a while. I mean,

whole life flashed before my eyes, and boy, I should have never gone with that

perm.

Listen, why don't you wait right here? I'll go get the number of that shrink.

Okay.

You know, I may have misjudged you, but, you know, you gotta admit, you were

acting kind of crazy.

Yeah, I know, but I think I'm ready to take matters into my own hands And

my problem.

You just got to really be proud of yourself, for real.

Right back.

I'm just really glad we got to work this thing out, you know?

I mean, I just love happy endings.

Me too.

Me too.

find my beeper, he would have shot you.

Really? Yeah.

I'll hold him here, Drew. You go call the cops.

All right, but before the cops get here, I want you to think about this.

In closing, my darling Mimi, I will love you longer than time itself.

Eternal years, Antonio Banderas.

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