Original subtitles

Good night, Mr. Bell.

I'll be with your coat.

No.

Watch out for it.

What are you up to?

Nothing.

Just know it's been a long day. You're tired, anxious to go home. You know, I

have a secret way of knowing if someone's been in my drawers.

Believe me, if anybody's been in your drawers, they want it kept a secret.

If I find even one troll doll out of place, you're going to have ten little

plastic feet sticking out of your butt.

Don't worry, I won't touch one little thing on your desk.

Drew, I dropped this, but I caught it on the first bounce. That's okay, right?

Did anything fall off? Just this.

It doesn't look important.

Drew,

you go through this every year. I really don't think the number of computers is

what's going to impress your dad.

Hey, I'm not taking any chances.

This is the first time my dad's seen where I work.

Well, actually, the second. But this time I'm not talking through a clown's

head.

Sort of.

Hey, Oswald. Hey.

You know, I was on my delivery route. I had the strangest feeling I was supposed

to do something, and I couldn't remember what.

You're supposed to pick up my dad at the airport.

Damn it. What the hell did I tell you about swearing dro?

Only in church in front of old ladies. How you doing, Dad?

Hey.

Come here, Katie.

No pinching. Would I? I'm not six anymore.

Oh, look at that face.

That's it!

It was fine until I got in the truck with this guy. He stops every block.

Hey, it's free, old man.

It's great to see you. How's Mom?

Not as fine as Oswald's, Mom. Will you stop?

I gotta make a few more stops. You wanna ride?

Can I throw packages out of the back of the truck and watch the car swerve?

Yes, you can.

Okay.

Bye, guys.

I'm sorry Mom didn't get to come up with you from Florida for your Lifetime

Achievement Award at the Lodge. Well, Yeah, you know, she's busy with her

and women's groups.

Is Kevin MacLeod at the Burt Reynolds Theater again?

Yeah. Yeah.

Man, it looks like a lot of very important business goes on here. Right

front of all these computers.

Huh. The office sounded bigger on the phone.

Well, you know, I used to have a bigger phone.

Drew, I came back for my keys and somebody... Hi.

I'm Mimi Bobeck.

Oh, George Carey, Drew's dad.

It is my pleasure, I assure you.

Oh, well, I see where Drew doesn't get it from.

So, Drew, I see we have Hong Kong online.

Why don't you link us up so we can see what's coming down the Yangtze River

without a paddle?

I can't. Maybe it's Chinese New Year.

It's the year of the dead stool pigeon.

Drew, you rascal, you.

I bet he was a real pistol when he was growing up. Oh, he really gave his mom

and me a run for our money. Dad don't.

I'm sure he did some really embarrassing things as a little boy, huh?

You mean like when he discovered himself?

Punch it in front of company?

Hey! Look, someone's coming at your Hong Kong. If you can see them, they can see

you. Touch in it.

Anything else?

Oh, God, you can write a book about this kid.

Or at least a company newsletter. I'll be right back. I want to grab a pen.

Oh, that's just great.

Why don't you just tell her how I used to walk around the house in high heels?

Moon over.

to me tonight.

Guide her to Cleveland underneath your silvery light.

We're going bowling, so don't lose her in Solon. Moon over Parma tonight.

Tell boys, playing pool is like making love.

You take your time, you keep a steady hand.

Beware of anyone named Fats.

Yeah, yes! And the all -carry team takes the lead.

I can't believe you didn't move this thing inside, Drew. The only thing

me was your mother.

She didn't want a bunch of sloppy drunken men hanging around in the

Boy, do I remember that fight.

George, you're not bringing this pool table in the house.

Well, I'm not taking it back. Well, then it's staying outside.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

You could hear it all the way down the block.

Boy, I'll never forget you, Mr.

Carey, playing out in the rain and the snow while we sat inside watching you

drinking hot chocolate.

What was it that Mrs. Carey used to say? She used to say, one more bolt of

lightning and I get both sides of the bed.

Make ball in the side pocket.

Yeah!

We're very quiet. We can observe the bull elk in its calf in a violent

for dominance.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Mr.

C.

Jay, this is Drew's dad. Drew's dad, this is my boyfriend, Jay.

You're the body shop.

Punk or the carny worker?

No, I'm the mover trash.

No, he's not.

He owns his own moving company. I'm actually dating a stable guy.

You are stable, aren't you? Well, that's what the parole board said.

Hey,

pizza should be done. Who's hungry?

Me. We're actually going to play one more game.

How about a game of eight ball? Winner gets complete control of the other guy's

life. Wait, I already lost that to you last week. Well, then you have no

Boozy out in the backyard.

Well, you know, the Aspen place needed a new roof, and I kind of had my eye on

the small Pacific nation.

Son, when was the last time you got a raise?

Well, not recently, but many things such as VCRs and digital watches have gotten

cheaper, so it's kind of a wash.

Besides, Whitford Lotter always comes through with the nice Christmas gifts.

Yeah, it's nice to get something personal. You know, last year I got all

employees leather jackets with the company logo on them. Hey, how about

Uh... Something like that, only on a rope.

Mr. Carey, you should know that Drew is one of the most beloved members of the

Winford Ladder family.

Last year, he went for $65 at the bachelor auction.

Oh, so I stopped.

It was for a good cause.

Beloved doesn't get you a jacuzzi. You want the nice things in life, you gotta

have a way to get them. So what's your game plan?

You don't think I have one, do you? Do you?

Yeah, I keep planning to show it up at work until somebody dies and they bump

upstairs.

You ever think of joining the lodge?

A lot of good networking goes on there. You know the guy that designed the

federal building?

He was a wildebeest? No.

A wildebeest bus hit him.

Killed him.

I can kill people. Cool.

I'm joining.

Joining what?

Dad wants me to join his lodge.

You know, Drew, I'm an elk and it's a great business connection.

Yeah, I can wear my Rudolph antlers.

We don't wear antlers.

Well, is there a rule that one can't?

Do you guys really want to join? Sure, if your dad will sponsor us. Hey, can I

drive one of those little cars on the parade?

You know, Big Daddy, I'm missing something here.

I remember visiting the lodge when I was a kid.

They had me in a blindfold. I heard the Secret World of Beasts chant.

It was one of the best days me and my dad ever spent together.

Yeah. Good thing that babysitter crapped out.

She didn't really crap out. I kind of discovered myself in front of her, too.

Wow, it's just like I imagined.

Your dad was so great to sponsor both of us, man.

This is so, like, out of the past. You know, all men, dead animal parts all

the walls.

It feels so primal.

I just want to get naked and howl.

the food boys.

No. Drew, wait a minute. There's someone I want you to meet.

Drew, this is Tom.

I think you might want to listen to him. He may have some good news for you.

I'll be right back.

I forgot to kiss the antlers.

Here, sit down, Drew. Thanks.

Um, yeah.

Your dad may not have mentioned it, but I'm a headhunter for Jones and Wiley.

Oh. He tells me you're thinking about making a change.

Well, I'm not looking, but there's no ring on my finger, if you understand.

Listen, I circulated your resume to some of my best clients, and I've got three

great offers for you. Wow, three people bidding for me? Yeah.

You join this lodge, and we'll do anything we can for you, if you know

mean.

Hey, Drew.

This is Brother Lester. He's in charge of admissions for the whole lodge.

Hey, how you doing, Drew?

Uh... Oh.

What are you doing?

I'm returning the secret wildebeest greeting.

I was adjusting my glasses.

Oh. We met Lester over at the buffet.

He showed us how to make a tongue sandwich that looks like it's really

Yeah.

At the moment, I'm in personnel at Winford Louder, you know, downtown.

Oh, man, downtown.

I don't envy you.

Yeah, the traffic is murder.

Yeah. Not to mention how dark it gets at night, if you know what I mean.

You know, this lodge uses, you know what I mean, a lot, if you know what I mean.

Well, we try to be a little discreet.

Hey, did you hear the one where the Jew walks into the massage parlor? Now, you

do know what discreet means, right?

There's nobody at a wildebeest meeting that's going to be offended.

Why not?

Well, let's just say a Jew won't be walking in here.

How do you know who is walking in here? We've never met. For all you know, I

could be 116th Cherokee.

Yeah, right.

I am.

Get out of here. You are not. Yes, I am. My great -grandmother was Cherokee.

So I suppose you want me to leave now. Look, we don't care about 116th Indian.

We're just trying to maintain a membership where we can be ourselves.

Can you just excuse us for a second?

You believe this? I can't join a place that doesn't let any blacks and Jews in.

I thought I felt a bad vibe in this place.

Yeah, me too. I thought it was because I ate too much meat.

Drew.

I talked to Tom.

He really likes you.

He's going to help you out big time.

That's great, Dad. Can I talk to you just for a second?

Hey, George, come on.

It's your night.

Thanks, Drew.

This... is the best night of my life.

Yeah, mine too. Except for the time Mom forgot her glasses and ran over the dog.

Hey, am I looking at a wildebeest?

No, that's just Mimi. She's my boss's assistant.

I can't join that lodge, man.

It's just a bunch of bigots.

You know, my lodge isn't like that.

You know, the wildebeests are a disgrace to hard -drinking, male -only

organizations everywhere.

So did you talk to your dad after the lodge meeting? Well, I tried to, but

kind of hard to have a heart -to -heart talk with your dad when you have to

strip him naked and shove him in the shower.

Oswald's an Indian?

How come no one ever told me?

I don't know, but all the signs were there.

He found a use for all the parts of the buffalo after the hunt. He had 90

different names for snow.

You know, he does shed a single tear every time someone pollutes.

No loincloth big enough.

Are you ready for lunch?

Sure you want to come with?

No, I can't eat. This is driving me crazy.

I've got to come up with a plan to show my dad I can be a success without the

lodge. I love you whether you're successful or just the way you are.

Man, it's six months until employee reviews.

This sucks.

Why don't you guys go ahead? I'm going to make a call.

All right.

Bye.

I was wondering if you had time to see me in your office for a few minutes.

Sure. Call me around the first of the month.

Uh, no, I need to talk to you now.

Are you high, Gary?

No, sir, I,

seven years.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but if I don't get a raise, I'm leaving.

All right. I'll give you an extra $100 a month.

Oh, my God. Thank you, sir. Oh, my God. I can't believe it. Boy, I don't know

what I would have done.

How about $125?

I didn't want to make you nervous, but I had to hear.

Your dad's going to be so proud of you.

Yeah. Maybe now I can tell him that I'm the one that stole his Playboys and

broke the kitchen window.

Hey, Dad.

How's the VCR coming?

It was working on one.

Then it broke at three.

Then it was working at four.

Then it broke at six.

Listen, I appreciate you taking a stab at it, but maybe I should just take it

someone who, you know, knows what they're doing.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you wanted it screwed up by a novice.

That's some good news. I got a raise.

You're kidding.

Congratulations.

See, more leverage when you negotiate your deal for the new job.

This calls for some ice cream.

Dad, last night you said that the anniversary of your bypass called for

cream.

All right.

This calls for some of your low -fat cheese.

So I guess I don't have to jump the wildebeest after all.

What are you talking about? Of course you do.

Well, you know, I'll be so busy rebudgeting and looking for a hold on to

hat, a new car.

I just won't have the time.

A new car?

What year?

I was thinking a 92.

Maybe a recalled 93.

Join the lodge.

What for? I'm doing everything I want. I'm moving ahead. I just got a promotion

and a raise and pretty soon I'll be running that joint. Yeah, a little.

And then you'll complain about it.

Man, I'm never good enough for you, huh?

But I remember one time I came over with four C's. He said, why don't you get

six C's?

You get disappointed when I get second -degree burns. Oh, come on.

Come on. There's nothing wrong with a father wanting more for his son. You can

do better, and the wildebeest can help you.

Yeah, maybe I can get a job in the cloakroom hanging up their sheets.

What are you talking about?

Maybe it's a different crowd than when you joined, but, you know, these guys.

One guy said that Mexicans shouldn't learn English so we wouldn't overpay

less than blacks.

Nah, same crowd.

And that doesn't bother you? You know, I sure wasn't raised that way.

Of course it bothers me, but there are idiots everywhere.

You ignore them if you want to get ahead faster.

You know what?

This isn't even about the lodge.

This is about you being too stubborn to take your father's advice.

Hey, you know, I like my job. Problems and all.

I enjoy my friends. I have a good life. Now, I'm not a kid anymore. So leave me

alone.

You know, you think you'd be satisfied to know that I'm happy.

Now, let me tell you.

I did very well working at a job for 35 years that I hated.

Happy doesn't mean jack cheese.

Yeah, you're going to start swearing. I'm leaving.

You don't have to. I will.

You're going to listen to me.

You know, I got a lot of things from you. My stubbornness, my perseverance,

low waistline.

If you think a day goes by where I don't hear your voice in my head telling me

to try harder, you're wrong.

And I'm not saying I don't appreciate everything you've done for me, but, you

know, get off my ass.

You know, I said the same thing to my father when I was about your age.

He beat the crap out of me.

Grandpa used to tell me that story before he put me to bed.

Yeah, well, your grandfather was from the old country. He didn't know any

better.

Dad, since when is Pennsylvania the old country?

I'm saying he was bitter, Drew.

He never reached his full potential.

I don't want you to feel like that 20 years from now.

I won't.

And if I do, it's going to be my own fault.

So, you know, go syrup the hook.

It's 20 years, that's all I got.

Give or take.

Ten years, you want to leave your wife and kids for that hot number with the

nice muffins behind the counter at Dunkin' Donuts?

Well, you get over that.

Yeah.

The woman at Dunkin' Donuts is 64 years old now.

She smokes out of her neck.

Still want to play?

My last name, Kerry?

Fuck a ball.

You're on.

You know, those rain gutters look clogged.

You know, they were like that when I bought the place from you.

You know, for all your talk, you didn't do one thing in 30 years to fix this

house. Why do you think I sold it? Place a money pit.

Drew, that's a garbage truck.

Yeah, but see, it's better. It's less windy.

Oh, man.

Don't you hate it when bits of paper fly off a garbage truck?

Oh, it disfigures. If you're not complaining about the cold, you're

about a couple little pieces of paper.

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