Original subtitles

Anybody see Kate?

Nah, man, I guess you'd rather be with some guy she fell in love with than us.

Yeah, looks like we're gonna have to wait out the two weeks of euphoria and

sexual exploration.

Two weeks?

That's why I never fall in love.

Because it'd be just the two of you guys, sitting by yourselves at the bar,

crying in your beer, wishing you were... I'd kill the both of you right now for

a woman. Oh...

Now it's not that easy, Drew. You'd have to kill all the men on Earth.

You know, it's weird.

With Kate gone, women have stopped coming by the table to chat.

Let's face it. We need Kate. Everything I know about women, I learned from Kate.

Yeah. I mean, like, who knew that a tight dress and spiked heels made a

look cheap? Not me.

You know, she was a really good listener. You could talk about personal

and really open up to her.

Drew, you can talk to us about anything.

We'll listen.

Well, I walked by my parents' old room the other day, and I was thinking...

No, I really miss having my mom nearby.

Could that be because you're a girl?

I miss you!

See, if Kate were here, we wouldn't have done it.

Excuse me, are you using the ketchup?

Oh, sure.

Thanks.

Wow. That's off to you, pal. Eating red meat after midnight?

Makes me proud to be in America.

Yeah, well, if I don't hit like 4 ,000 calories a day, I'd drop weight like

that. I thought I'd hit 4 ,000 calories by breakfast. I'd have a Snickers bar on

the way to the car.

It's just a joke, man.

You're Drew Carey.

Maybe he is and maybe he isn't. You don't have to answer that, Drew.

You know, the smaller glasses almost threw me, but other than that, you

changed since junior high.

Well, the glasses are the same size. My head just got bigger.

That's because you grew your hair out.

Drew, you hippie, it's me, Jay Clemens. Jay?

Such a good -looking kid. What happened?

Yeah, same old story.

Booze, women, grease fire.

That's how you've been. Great.

You remember Oswald Lewis?

This is so wild.

You put desks in front of you and books in front of those beers?

We're back in detention.

So, Jay, what brings you back to our little corner of paradise?

I just got a divorce after three glorious years of marriage. Oh, sorry.

It's okay. They were spread out over 15 years of hell.

Hey, didn't you marry Lisa Janouche?

Oh, the prom king and queen getting married. You never see something like

coming, do you?

You know, if a few more people had voted for Mary Deutsch, I might not be

sitting here today.

I'd be with Mary Deutsch and her lesbian lover in Portland.

So, you still working at your dad's bowling alley?

No, I own a small moving company.

AAA action movie.

Used to be a lot bigger, but my wife got half the trucks in the divorce.

See, now I have to compete with AAA action movie.

So, you're going to start dating again, huh?

I hate to be the one to break this to you, but success and good looks went out

in the 80s.

Yeah, this is our time now.

Hi, would you like to dance?

Hi, maybe later. I'm just catching up with some old buddies of mine who I

haven't seen since junior high.

Oh. Sorry, I didn't notice.

Boy, don't you hate it how when you're just trying to hang out with the guys,

women just never give you a moment of peace? Oh, yeah.

Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight.

Guide her to Cleveland, hung underneath your silvery light.

We're going bowling, so don't lose her in Solon.

Moon over Parma tonight.

Not another kid.

That's eight.

The guy never leaves his car. How the hell does he do it?

When you went to the bathroom, Drew, I saw him going to drive it.

You know the rules. Another kid, another sugar stick. Yeah.

This was so much fun when we were kids.

Hi, everybody. I'm back, and I'm better than ever. Hey. Hey.

Hey, Kate. Beer's in the fridge.

All right. Payday.

Obviously, these slobs are never going to introduce me. I'm Jay.

Oh. Actually, I'm sorry, Kate. It's Jay Clemens. You know, from junior high.

No way, Jay Clemens. I gave you a concussion playing dodgeball.

I remember.

Like, I kind of remember.

No, seriously.

Kate O 'Brien, captain of the girls' basketball team.

sexy legs O 'Brien?

Kate O 'Brien, I killed the principal, put his hat on a stick and ran down the

hall screaming, you'll never forget me for this, Kate O 'Brien.

I thought that was Sally Thomas.

You guys are playing life.

How come you didn't call me? You always call me.

Well, you know, Chase said he'd be glad to fill in. We figured you were out with

Ken. Oh, yeah.

Ken and I broke up.

He had to leave town because of his job.

That's the last thing you'd expect from a carnival worker.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I guess. I'm going to miss him. Ken was special.

He wasn't like other carnival workers.

He was a dreamer.

He had wanderlust.

Is she talking about Walt Whitman or the guy who runs the Scrambler?

Excuse me?

Take a tip from somebody who knows. It's best not to dwell on these things.

Oh, pardon me, new guy.

But I'm hardly dwelling. We broke up ten minutes ago.

All I'm saying is that your relationship obviously wasn't meant to be, so maybe

you should just put it behind you.

You barely know me. You know, I'm fine. Forget it. I'll just watch you guys

play.

Win Nobel Prize?

How the hell does a travel agent win the Nobel Prize?

Hey, you're using the blue car. That's usually my car.

Do you want to play? We're all out of cars, but you can use one of Drew's

emergency milk duds. Oh, no, no, that's okay.

I'll just watch.

Now that I've been watching, I've noticed something, too.

What are you wearing?

Are those my puppy slippers?

These are yours?

Wow, I thought I had big feet.

You know, I leave those here for the times my feet get cold and wet.

I'm sorry, Kate. It was my fault. You accidentally stepped in that puddle that

you always accidentally step in.

My puddle?

Excuse me. I gotta go to the bathroom.

You don't have a special toilet you call your own, do you?

Good looking and funny. You don't often see that.

Yeah.

Want a beer, Kate?

No, thanks. I'm not thirsty.

Just thought you might want to mark your territory.

I wasn't doing anything.

Will you drop it?

Listen, you're acting very suspicious in here, and I thought... Wow.

Those black and white security cameras don't do you justice.

What's going on here?

I caught her going through your things, Drew.

Thanks, Chuck. I think I can handle things from here.

Give me a couple of minutes, and those cameras can look the other way, if you

know what I mean.

Going through my drawers, huh?

Now, you'd assume that I go to the upper left -hand drawer as I am left -handed,

but you would know that I remember the rat trap incident and overcompensate by

going to the lower right.

That's why... Aha!

A dead fish.

You disappoint me, mean.

You can't prove it's mine.

You're the only one that swallows them whole.

You know, Mimi, this is just a cry for help.

Your problem is you can't express your true feelings for me.

I could if I had a bone saw and some salt.

How about a bow and arrow?

You know, like Cupid?

It's going to take more than that to ruin my birthday week.

Happy birthday to me.

Hey, guys.

I'll be right in a minute. I was thinking maybe we could go to dinner.

Then we'll go see the movie.

So, where's Jake?

One of his movers called in sick and he had to fill in. I don't know if he can

make it. Oh, man, I hope this isn't my fault. He may think I don't like him.

Hey, ladies.

Ugh, him.

Hey, Brad, how you doing? Yeah, the old hernia started flaring up, so... Hey,

look at this thing.

No, no.

I'm kidding.

The move was rescheduled.

Oh, we don't get to see a hernia?

That's a shame. My uncle had a hernia. It was huge.

We used to ride it.

Boys, there's nothing that I love more than a great hernia story before dinner.

Where do you want to go?

Why don't we go for Chinese?

Actually, I just found the greatest Italian place. It's right around the

Italian, man. I'm up for that.

Actually, Chinese makes a better pre -movie dinner. As anyone knows, it's not

heavy. Since when does that matter? We're not going to swim in the movie,

Well, for your information, I always pick the restaurants.

So tell that you're not. Come on. Who wants Italian?

Fine. We know that you and Oswald want Italian.

Louis?

Well...

I guess I'll take Chinese.

Drew?

Look,

the important thing is that we're all going to eat together, right? It doesn't

matter where we have dinner. Let's just flip a coin.

Heads Chinese, tails Italian.

Ah, I've got to flip this thing again.

I had Chinese for lunch.

What the hell's wrong with this thing?

What kind of excuse is that, you had Chinese for lunch? Do you think they say

that in China? Oh, we just had Chinese?

Actually, Kate, I prefer Italian. I was just scared.

Okay, it's not worth the fight. I'm sorry. Let's just go to Antonio's.

Actually, I was thinking Mario's.

What a jerk! I can't take it!

Happy birthday, boy!

Hey, help me out here. What do you want for your birthday?

I'd like one week where I get the looks and you're the big jolly guy with the

overflowing personality.

Hey, how about a membership at a gym?

Hey, that'd go good with the giant Speedos I'm buying you.

I got a beer for Kate just in case she shows up. Hey, might as well drink it

now. She's never coming anywhere near us again.

I can't even get her in her house.

Can you believe she called me and said she wasn't coming to my birthday party?

Boy, I feel a little bit responsible.

I mean, it's just like we naturally push each other's buttons.

Everybody's like that a little bit with Kate. You just gotta understand her.

Sometimes she likes to pick with her right before she makes her point with

left. You mean figuratively?

Yeah, figuratively.

Hey, Kate. How are you doing? Kate.

What's up? Kate.

Hi.

I'm Kate from the store. You work in the warehouse, don't you?

No. We're in lingerie.

Mind if I sit down?

You sure you work at the store?

Yeah, you know, Kate O 'Brien, cosmetics.

Doesn't ring a bell.

Why doesn't anyone remember me?

Oh, yeah.

You're the whiner.

Hey, ladies.

Kate.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

No, I'm here with my friends. This is, uh, and you know, um, the, uh, the, uh,

girls.

Come on, it's really important.

You know, uh, I've been trying to call you.

I even went to your house.

I know you and Jay aren't getting along, but it's my calls. You're not

returning. I really miss you, and I was... I'd love it if you would come to

birthday party.

You're having a birthday party?

Yeah. Hey, we love to party.

Yeah, I bet you do.

I'm not going if Jay's going to be there.

Twan, he's a nice guy.

Fine, I'm sure he is, and I'm glad you like him. It's just that I feel

uncomfortable around him, and I don't want to ruin your party.

Oh, you won't ruin my party.

Oh, yes, I will.

Well, there goes another gift.

Hey, do you guys mind? I need to talk to Jay alone for a second. Oh, okay.

What's up, buddy?

Listen, Jay, I have kind of a problem.

Let me guess.

Kate doesn't want me at the party.

Wow.

Okay, I'm thinking of a color.

Look, I know what's going on here. It's cool. I won't go.

Thanks. Kate's just in a weird place right now.

That carnival guy, she thought he was Mr. Right ever since he guessed her

weight.

Whatever, man.

Have a good time.

You know, it is my birthday. You could try to fight it a little bit.

Okay.

Can I please come to your party?

Oh, don't embarrass yourself.

Boy,

I can't believe I have to pick between two friends.

Hey, he was the one who broke your lava lamp and blamed it on the wind.

He took your beer and said they forgot to put it in the grocery bag. No, I did

not.

gonna be at uh drew's party uh i'm in a relationship because if you're

there we're there we want to party with you you bring me some of that party girl

i'm in a relationship i

made a dirty cake

what's that supposed to be isn't that to know

Isn't that where that goes?

Well, then it's a man with a pointy hat.

share it with you.

Is this me with the pointy hat?

And now, part of the evening you've all been waiting for, drumroll please.

Drew Carey, this is your life.

Oh, I hope I get to go to the prom this time.

Okay, Drew Carey, do you remember this voice?

What voice?

This voice?

It's you.

World Series.

I've got over 3 ,000 hits and 450 home runs, seven gold gloves, 12 all -star

games, and been drafted in three professional sports.

That's pretty good. It sounds just like Dave Winfield.

We know each other. What are you talking about?

Well, you know what he eats, you know his favorite color, you know what he

for in a woman. I thought you guys went to school together or something.

No, I'm just a big fan.

Then why are you here?

You said there was a 12 -foot sub sandwich here.

Oh.

Hey, you want to go up to my room and see my sports trophies?

Would I? Let's go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

There's one more voice.

Drew, I was sitting home alone thinking this is stupid.

My friend's having a birthday, and what's the harm if I came over, gave him

present, and left?

And, Kate, put the cake knife down. I'll only be a minute.

Nice try, Jay.

But you had to deliver the present tonight?

It's perishable.

What is it?

A fudsicle.

Fudsicle? I like anything on a stick.

Okay, okay.

Now go home.

Well, come on, Kate. Be a sport.

Let him see till the beer runs out.

Hey, Drew, can I drink directly from the tap?

cake runs out. Can I have more cakes?

Come on, just let him stay for an hour.

Fine, we could use a pinata.

Hey, I'm not the one who's full of crap.

Okay, that's it.

Girlfriends, do you see this guy?

He said you may look strong, but you couldn't lift Diddley over your heads.

Come here, Diddley.

All right, that's it.

You two act like a couple of third graders.

There is no reason you couldn't get along.

I want you to get your butts in that kitchen and don't come out until you

these things out. Remember, no gouging, no hitting below the belt, no hair

pulling. And, Jay, I hope you're wearing a cup.

Well, now look what you did.

Not only did you ruin the party, but you made a spectacle of both of us.

Look, we got off on the wrong foot here. Just because I used your stupid car in

that stupid game doesn't mean I'm trying to replace you.

Ooh, replace me. Ooh, my deepest fear.

Are you really serious? see into my soul. You know what? You are the

most self -centered woman I haven't divorced yet.

Oh, I'm self -centered? You talking about how good looking you are, how

you are, how much I'm attracted to you. You, you, you.

I never said you were attracted to me.

But don't pretend like you don't think I'm not.

What's up?

A little too quiet in there.

She must have gone for the voice box first.

Hi.

I just got engaged.

You want to dance?

Well, you know, I... Did my voice go up? Because that wasn't a question.

Hold that thought.

Don't hold on to that.

Second thought. Hold that. And let me go check on something that's going on

here.

Kate. Oh.

Jay. That bastard hit me in the mouth with his face.

Yeah.

So, uh, I take it you two have decided to become friends?

No, I think they've been kissing.

So let me get this straight. One minute you're mortal enemies, and then the next

minute you're just making out?

Excuse me, I gotta go pick a fight with the big blonde.

Uh, you know, Jay, now that you're dating Kate, a little bit of advice, uh,

likes to win.

Yeah, I found that out after our first date.

She said, you want to race to the car? And then she tripped me.

So is there anything else that you know about my little Kate?

Well, when she says stop tickling, stop tickling. Because she'll pee her pants.

I got one. Wait.

Sometimes it gets so cold, her nose starts to run. She can't feel it. Okay,

that's it. Stop. We have pictures. All right.

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