Original subtitles

won't you take me to funky town won't you take me to funky town

won't you take me to hey

dude lisa you know you're not supposed to be over here

relax i know the rules we can't date you're my boss people can see us

everything's cool okay as long as you know it's completely wrong and

unacceptable come on in

Wow.

What beautiful taste your mother had.

Yeah, I sleep upstairs in a big race car.

So, why are you here?

I brought over your invitation to the office Christmas party.

Yeah, you could just give this to me at work.

You said we couldn't see each other at work.

Oh, okay, so you're doing everything I say now?

No, it's not quite that easy, Drew.

Okay, well, in that case, you need a better reason.

You left your jacket at my place.

It's on my jacket, and I've never been to your place.

Then, will you lift your purse?

Yeah.

This is my purse.

This is my money.

I just wanted to talk.

How about a beer?

Well, it's kind of embarrassing. I really wasn't expecting anybody.

All I have is Coors, Budweiser, Miller, Amstel, Mike, Heineken, Dog, Red Tail.

Oops.

Only half a Bud.

Oh, God, Drew.

This is so crazy.

Here I am, enjoying your company, and I feel like some criminal who has to sneak

over in the middle of the night.

Isn't there some way we can move this relationship forward?

Yeah, not with half a beer.

Come on, we're young.

I'm attractive.

X -Files is over. What's stopping us?

How about a little show called 2020?

be with you, but I worked ten years at this company to get from here to here.

You know, here.

I can't risk losing it.

All right, big guy. I give up.

I'll see you tomorrow at work.

Well, wait.

You, uh... You left your jacket at my place.

Ah!

Please tell me that was a climax.

Ah!

I saw two people kissing and I thought I was at the wrong house.

You see that?

And Kate just happened to be walking by. Who knows who else could have been out

there?

God bless you.

All right, who else is out there?

Nobody.

Okay, who wants a beer?

How about you, Jules?

No, thanks.

How about you, Helen?

Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight.

There are two people underneath your silvery light.

I got Mimi, too.

There's a Mimi, too?

How come they're always making sequels of things I don't like?

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Getting a jump on our holiday shopping. We made up a list of things we want you

to buy at the store for us with your company discount.

We found some things for you you are really going to love. Right there.

Wait a minute. I've got to buy my own Christmas gifts?

Relax, we'll pay you back.

With what?

Everyone's getting big, fat Christmas bonuses down at my company.

time ever drug co isn't being sued for selling products that cause disabling

side effects or premature death so drew am i your date again for the christmas

party friday no now that you're a worker i can't tell everybody you're my

girlfriend anymore it's about time drew it's kind of sad you're always taking

your friends as dates lewis you want to go to a party only if you call me julio

Louder's secretary.

Mrs. Louder wants you to have lunch with her tomorrow afternoon upstairs in the

crystal room.

What? Is that Mrs. Louder as in the Winford Louder department store? Yeah,

Louder's widow.

Gee, I wonder how he died.

I need an ambulance right away. Well, what's the name? Louder, what's the

Didn't everybody laugh?

That's okay. Maybe next time.

All right.

Man, I wonder what she wants me for.

Maybe she's looking for someone to inherit the store, and she picked you.

Yeah, that's probably possibility number one million.

Who else could be?

She's really rich. Maybe she wants to send you off in the wilderness and hunt

you for sport.

Well, see, now we're getting somewhere.

Have you done anything wrong? Maybe she wants to fire you.

Fire me? I'm a model employee.

Maybe you said something.

You know, these stores have bugs and microphones everywhere.

Why, that's ridiculous.

Someone as beautiful as Mrs. Lauder has better things to do than to bug her

employees.

Do not care or give a whit that you are one day old.

I think you are beautiful, even when you're cold.

for? A signal in aircraft?

Hey, what do you have Santa Claus up there in the manger for?

He's got nothing to do with nothing.

Who is he, Mary's Lamaze coach?

Hey, I'm just trying to win the contest for the brightest Christmas display.

What contest?

From the tire company.

The winner gets $50 off his next bill.

Oh, yeah, great thinking, Jules. You know, if you cut your legs off, you can

park anywhere for free.

I need my sleep. I got a big meeting with the owner of my company tomorrow.

up the lights and the dogs, I'm going to call the cops.

Go ahead, call them. We ain't doing anything illegal.

Be kind of stupid under all this light.

Whoever turned that off, thank you.

Actually, the blinkers just kicked in.

Okay, don't be nervous, Drew. Everything's going to go great.

Yeah, but what does she want?

What am I going to talk to her about? She's 80.

Well, that's not so old compared to, say, the ocean.

Just make small talk.

Yeah, about what?

I don't know. You'll talk about your first Christmas, and she'll talk about

first Christmas.

Good luck, Drew. Break a hip.

Hi, I'm Drew Carey. I'm here to see Mrs. Lowder.

She's right over there.

Look, you probably see her every day. Do you have any...

Advice?

Well, if she likes you, you're gold.

If she doesn't like you, I'm Mike. We'll be working together.

Thank you.

Mrs. Louder?

Hi, I'm Drew Carey.

Mr. Carey.

Watch it with the tongue, Mr.

Carey.

Oh, good one.

Right back at you.

never went away.

May I just say, Mrs. Louder, with your peaches and cream complexion, it's like

your 50s never went away either.

The first butt kiss of the day is always the sweetest.

Allow me.

You're one of a dying breed, Mr. Carey. So are you.

to say you scare the hell out of me.

If it's about the pens, I'll pay you back.

Relax, Mr.

Carey. This isn't about pens.

You're here because I want to offer you a new position.

Oh, a promotion.

Wow. You didn't have to take me out to lunch personally. I mean, I know it's

been seven years. You probably feel a little guilty.

That's all water under the bridge. I'll tell you what. I'll just eat a little

extra. We'll call it even.

Mr. Carey, I'd like you to become my personal assistant.

Head of personnel!

That's not what I said. I said personal assistant.

I know what you said. I just wanted to feel good for two lousy stick of salt.

It's a good job. I know it's not what you expected, but if you do this for me,

you'll become head of personnel faster than you ever imagined.

Well, it sounds great, but how can I just give up my job like that? You could

give up your job for any number of reasons.

For example, you could offend Mrs.

Louder.

Can I at least, you know, think about it?

You can let me know when you pick me up for the Christmas party.

Oh, by the way, the position pays twice what you're making now.

Mr. Carey? Oh, I'm sorry. I was just hooking up my new stereo.

Look at all these gawkers fighting for a glimpse of a glowing reindeer.

They've totally lost touch with the true meaning of Christmas.

That pops three bucks a can.

Oh, good.

Livestock.

You got one of my sheep?

Why is there a sheep in my backyard?

She's part of a live nativity scene. Every night till Christmas.

Then we shave her and eat her. Oh.

Oh,

now what?

Oh, great.

I'll be singing that all week.

Drew, are you really lonely?

Why? I just saw a herd of sheep running from your house.

So, Drew, how'd it go with Mrs. Louder? She wants one of your lungs, right?

No.

She put me on the fast track to being head of personnel.

Wow. What would your title be?

Uh, you know, personal assistant.

Oh, so it's like driving Miss Daisy.

No. You guys don't understand. This is like a shortcut up the corporate ladder.

If I could just suck it up for a couple of years, I'm in. And you want to know

the best part?

I can start dating Lisa.

I mean, this is huge.

Are you sure she's going to let you date? I mean, what if you have to

the old broad?

Mm -hmm.

Any takers?

Oh, this came for you today. I signed for it. It came like this.

Oh, yeah? Was there barbecue sauce all over it, too?

Uh, I better get back to the manger. See ya.

It's from Mrs. Winder. And there's another text.

And it's a dirty note.

Listen to this.

The penis mightier than the sword.

is, you moron.

This particular pen belonged to Mr. Louder.

I see in you many of the qualities I saw in him. Welcome aboard.

Love, Donnie.

Oh, yeah. She wants some Drew Carey bad.

You know, this is really class.

I mean, why wouldn't I take this job?

It's good pay, good future, good pen.

And good luck saying no, because if I don't take the job, she's going to fire

me. Wow.

She's really got you by the pennies.

Man, what a bash.

Hey, thanks for inviting me, Kate.

You know, I never go to the drug co -Christmas parties anymore.

I mean, the punch is good, but it made me invisible.

Who said that?

I don't know.

Oh, man.

Would you look at Mr. Bell?

Some Santa Claus.

He knows when you've been sleeping all right, because that's when he gets up

makes a dash for his car.

Hey, look who's here.

Harold and Maude.

Wow, the things you can learn at a board meeting.

You really can't cheat the government out of everything.

There really is only just suckers like me that pay taxes.

Do your doing splendidly. If you keep up the good work, I might even let you see

Mr. Louder's cryogenically frozen head.

Do it.

That's just a joke, sweetie.

I told him I'd do it, but I never did.

Merry Christmas, Drew.

Mrs. Louder, it's a great pleasure to meet you.

I'm Mimi Bobeck.

Oh, Mimi, guess what? I'm working for Mrs. Louder now.

You are?

Yeah, let's see what my secret Santa gave me.

No, I mean, oh, I've made a mistake. I must have buried your gift.

over there underneath the tree.

My neighbor's sheep made it.

Mrs. Lauder, they're waiting for you in the crystal room. Oh, thank you. I'll be

right there. If you'll excuse me for a little while, Drew, the board is about

exchange their own secret Santa gifts.

Just, uh, don't give me away to anybody.

Oh, you little devil!

So, word has it you're sweating to the oldest.

Spreading it around that you're Mrs. Louder's new boy toy.

Oh, yeah?

Would Mrs.

Louder's boy toy do this?

Hey, what about all your stupid rules?

I'm not management anymore.

Hey, everybody, look at me. I got a girlfriend.

Oh, gee, Gerald, what a lousy time to tell you I'm gay.

She's not very funny, but she's the best at it.

This is the first time I'm not really jealous of all those people locked in

bathrooms. Aw, you've been locked inside your shared bathrooms.

Well, maybe at home.

You mean, uh, you've never?

No.

Well, uh, you want it?

Yeah, sure.

Come on.

Uh, we are talking about sex, right?

Have you seen Drew?

I left some gifts in the car and I need him to help me. No, but I'd be happy to

help you. I'm Kate O 'Brien.

Help yourselves.

Free cabs? Well, Merry Christmas to you, too, Mrs. Louder.

Listen, there's no smoking here.

Bell's office has a window that opens. Come on.

Thank you, Santa.

Mrs. Louder, I think I found Drew. He's in Mr.

Bell's office.

Thank you.

Jerry, I'm shocked.

This is a family business.

Uh, can we please talk about this in private? Fine, but I'm not going in

Uh...

Carrie?

Santa?

Ho, ho, ho!

Be sure to check out our toy department where this afternoon... Everything is 10

% off.

Right, Trixie?

That's right, Mr. Claus.

Santa pig.

Devil elf.

Oh, boo -hoo.

So louder kicked you back to your cubicle. I didn't do anything, and I'm

here every lunch till Christmas.

Oh, give me a break. You're lucky Bell didn't fire you for getting him in

trouble.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Gee, the room was...

striking out with a woman. I assumed it was you.

Excuse me, but aren't the elves supposed to be smaller than Santa?

Hey.

Hey.

It was worth it, wasn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Same time next year?

Yeah.

Same place?

No.

You sure Mrs. Ladder won't mind us doing this?

Hey, she said free cab rides home.

And she didn't say what route we had to take.

Chicago sure was fun.

I really enjoyed Phantom.

It's kind of cold here, though.

I think it might be a little warmer down south.

Graceland.