Original subtitles

Basketball is war.

To lose is to die.

Last Saturday, we got killed.

I am ashamed to be your coach.

Should we turn in our uniforms?

Should we just give up? Should we admit we're losers?

Or should we stop the lollygagging and start playing some basketball?

Now listen up, ladies.

I'm not doing this for my health.

I don't do anything for my health.

I'm not doing this because the shorts make me look good.

I got better shorts. Shorts you'll never see.

No, I am doing this for the Winford Lauder Department Store.

And if I'm going to volunteer my time, I want to see some effort.

I want to see sweat.

I want to see blood. I want to see someone get hurt.

Do you understand me?

I can't hear you!

Yes, Mr.

Carey, sir!

That's better.

Now, I'd like you all to say hello to your new assistant coach, Miss Kate O

'Brien.

Hello, Miss O 'Brien, sir!

Call me Kate. Hi.

I used to play basketball, and I used to be 10 years old, so feel free to ask me

about anything.

And don't pay attention to Drew. He's just a big old teddy bear.

Kate, don't rub my stomach.

We're in a business meeting. Do I come up to you and honk your breasts?

Listen up, ladies.

Some of you got a little winded last game, so we're going to start this

off with ten laps.

Yes, Patricia.

I can't run today. I just got my ears pierced and they hurt. Fine. If it hurts

that bad, why don't you just grab your little dolly and go home?

Yeah!

You can all thank Patricia here for five more laps.

Okay.

And then ice cream at my place. And then I've got whole movies of Drew singing

the lead in Pirates of Penzance.

Don't be a idiot, Kate.

They'll be thanking me next Friday when they're fighting the enemy.

Drew,

is it ready yet? Yeah, come on, man. The bronze game is almost done. Hey, I

never made my mom's beer chili before, and I want to make sure I get this

Now, it's time for the secret ingredient. Turn your heads.

you just poured your beer in.

Coming.

Hey, guys.

You remember my sister, Janet? Hi.

Hey. Hey,

look, she brought us a kid. This is going to look great in the backyard.

He's my daughter, Monica.

Whoa, someone we know reproduced.

So I decided to pack up all our things and move back to Cleveland.

You know, a lot of people come to Cleveland for the snow, but it's the

that keeps them here.

Well, it's not the only reason. The insurance company she works for is

her big bucks to relocate.

Yeah, the last statistician ran off and left his wife and their 2 .5 kids,

Billy, Amy, and Joe.

Well, you sure look a lot better than you did when you were 15.

Well, things have changed since high school.

Not for me. I still look like my high school yearbook picture.

to see you again.

I really missed you.

So, Monica, ready for some of the infamous carry -all meat beer chili?

It's got beef, chicken, pork, and all the roadkill we could carry.

Hey, Monica, you play basketball?

I don't really like sports.

You don't like sports and you don't eat meat?

Where do you get up in the morning?

You know what?

Maybe you don't like sports because you've never been on a team coached by

and Drew.

Yeah, Monica, all the girls love it. It's real laid back, you know, it's just

about fun.

I think it's a great idea, Monica.

Man, when I was a kid, I was really into sports.

Yeah, she won all the trophies at summer camp.

Summer camp?

I forgot about that.

You guys were really hot and heavy that whole summer. Yeah, she was hot and he

was heavy.

Game's on.

Oh, why don't you girls grab a bunch of napkins and me and the guys will bring

the chili in.

Why'd you guys break up, anyway?

Oh, she dumped me for a guy with a bigger canoe.

So, uh, Janet's looking pretty good.

Yeah. Has a nice kid.

Yeah, I like her.

So, uh, she seen anybody?

True, she's ten years old.

I was talking about Janet.

Well, actually, I'm kind of worried about Janet. You know, it's been a

years since the divorce.

I don't want her to turn into some kooky old lady who takes in stray animals and

sleeps out of bed or rotting newspaper.

How is your mom? She's good, thanks.

Okay, Mimi, just give me my messages and land the insults.

I'm busy, Drew. There was just this lengthy contract from the temp agency.

take care of it.

Oh, all right, thanks.

Have a nice day.

What did you say?

You didn't let me finish. I was going to say, have a nice day. I hope you

swallow your tongue.

No, you weren't.

You were being pleasant.

And that's where you went wrong.

Give me that envelope.

Dear Mr.

Carey, we appreciate your business, blah, blah, blah.

On the occasion of hiring your 100th temp from us, please accept these

for yourself and two guests to the Rolling Stones benefit concert at the

and Roll Hall of Fame.

You're getting stronger.

I can feel it.

Someday we may be equals.

Until then...

Wait, I have something in this envelope that's going to make you guys fall in

love with me all over again.

Who is free Saturday night to go see The Rolling Stones?

Oh, no thanks. I'm not that big of a fan.

But Kate, it's The Rolling Stones.

Well, they won song at their last album.

But it's The Rolling Stones!

Hey, I got a DJ job, but I make it off early.

Oh yeah? How early?

Well, you never know. It's a senior citizen's dance. You play records until

someone falls.

Wait a second. Why don't you ask Janet?

Oh, she'll never go out with me. You know, she's a senior and I'm a junior.

Come on, Drew. She's just getting over her divorce. She probably wants to ease

back into things with a nice, stable guy.

Yeah, when you're just getting back on the horse, you don't want your first

to be the Kentucky Derby. Yeah. What am I, the petting zoo?

You know, Drew, it wouldn't hurt you to get back in the saddle, too.

I mean, the only other person out there is Lisa. You can't see her.

Maybe I'm saving myself for her.

And this Lisa that you like but don't actually see, can other people see her?

Is she here now?

Shut up.

I can't see her because she works for me. Well, then there's no reason that

shouldn't go out with Janet.

She's coming off a bad divorce. It's a perfect time.

She doesn't know a lot of people anymore in Cleveland.

She's limping, Drew. You can separate her from the herd.

Okay, talk me into it.

But if she rejects me... Who rejects you?

Your sister. He's going to ask her out.

No way.

Why not?

Because you're my best friend.

You can't date my sister.

How would you like it if I dated your mom?

Guys,

guys, guys. Lewis, there's nothing wrong with Drew dating your sister. Drew, I

think it's a wonderful idea.

Yeah. But what if it doesn't work out?

If she dumps you, it could be really awkward.

If you dump her, there'll be nobody to comfort her because everyone will be too

busy trying to catch the monkeys that are flying out of my butt.

Lewis, it's just a harmless little date.

There's nothing to get excited about.

Fine. Ask her out.

Fall in love.

Get married.

Have a sunset ceremony. I see pastels. Maybe a giant turtle.

Just one big Drew and Janet party, and I'll be the mayor of Loveland.

Oh, God, I hope that doesn't run in the family.

Thanks for a great night, Drew.

Yeah, first I thought it'd be a problem sitting next to that big speaker, but it

turned out okay.

You know, Monica's going to be really upset that she fell asleep and didn't

to say goodnight to you.

Yeah, well, you know, I'll see her around.

Yeah.

Well, goodnight.

Night.

angel of death right behind Keith Richards.

Well, the cons are the date.

Oh, rotten.

She was really into numbers and statistics and pretty much bored me 72 %

time.

But Monica had a good time. I mean, I showed her around the Rock and Roll Hall

of Fame and I even showed her how someone could choke on her own vomit.

You would think these rock stars would know the right way to throw up. They

models.

I'm going to join the basketball team, and I'm going to take her to the mall

next weekend. We're going to count fat people.

I'm sorry it didn't work out, Drew. You had such a big crush on her.

Yeah, and the real shame is, now I'll never get to see those monkeys fly out

Lewis's butt.

Good afternoon, Lisa.

Good afternoon, Drew.

I'll need those requisition forms this afternoon.

there's someone else you're not having a relationship with?

Who isn't she?

Well, she's not you.

I had a dream about you last night.

I had a dream about you last night.

You were on fire and I put you out with a big hose.

Then you turned to my mother and my hands fell off.

forms in triplicate. That's not a problem.

You know, this is crazy.

We steal these little moments together just to torture ourselves about this

relationship we can't have.

Same time tomorrow?

You bet.

I'll be dreaming about you.

I'll be dreaming about you, too.

I'm not wearing any underwear.

You're going to have to work on this, Drew.

Yeah.

date if you bought your lunch at work.

Oh, this is so embarrassing. You know, I already had a picnic for breakfast.

You know, Drew, everything just clicked last night.

Maybe it was fate that brought me back from California, but it's just so weird.

I haven't thought about you in years and now I can't stop thinking about you.

Are you sure? Have you really tried?

Tuna salad or chicken salad?

Oh, this looks good.

five days.

Mine tastes kind of tangy or metallic.

It's kind of bubbly.

Would you guys just help me with my problem here?

I've got to find a way to tell Lewis' sister I'm not interested.

I don't want to hurt her feelings or his.

Hey, it was just the first date. Why don't you wait for the second or third?

The third date will have an opening act.

What's the gentlest way either of you ever broke up with somebody?

not that good at it. There are 43 guys who still think I'm going out with them.

You know, I don't get it.

What is it about me that she finds so overwhelming?

Well, shut up and let me think of something.

Hey, look, it's Janet's brother, Lewis.

You remember good old reasonable Lewis?

What you doing?

Oh, eating chili. You know what? Somebody got lots of leftovers.

No more chili, Drew. I would have bowel movement in four days.

Until that happens, I feel I'm a threat to those around me.

I guess I was wrong about you and Janet. I hear you two really hit it off.

Lewis, buddy, I don't know how to break this to you, but... Well, maybe I do.

Crazy.

Your sister is crazy and lonely.

What are you talking about?

She's got this whole relationship built up in her head that doesn't even exist.

I don't think so, Drew. I think you must have said something to her to lead her

on. Lewis, there's absolutely nothing going on between us. Nothing.

Yeah, right. It's like that summer you made out with her.

It was 20 years ago. We were playing spin the bottle. The bottle came between

her and some girl we called One Lip.

Guys, guys, don't fight. It's nobody's fault.

This is insane. I mean, look what's happening here.

This is exactly what I didn't want. Because of my sister, I'm arguing with

best friend, Drew Carey.

Come here, Drew. No, I'm afraid.

If you hurt my sister, they will never find any piece of you.

Not even your glasses.

Remember, I'm a janitor.

I know how to dispose of things.

He's just a little excited.

I'll reason with him at the wedding.

Didn't we agree that when you come up on the right -hand side of the basket,

you'd use your right hand?

I can't use my right hand. Today's backwards, and my right hand is my left

All right, five push -ups.

This breaks.

It's your fault. You should listen to Drew. You should shut up.

Hey, okay, hey.

Fifteen push -ups. Why should I have to do fifteen push -ups when I bet you can

do one?

Shut up. I bet you can do...

You've ensured your place in many future therapy sessions.

Who do you go to now, Monica?

No, I think I should run some laps.

I got a little winded during our third hour of practice yesterday.

Hey, Coach.

Oh, you look good in shorts.

Oh, hey.

I do a step workout. You know, step to the refrigerator, step to the couch,

repeat.

So how's my Monica doing?

Oh, great. Just a, you know, a little excitable, that's all. Sometimes she

carried away.

What'd you do?

Oh, nothing specifically. It's just that, you know, she just got in a fist

defending my physical fitness.

That's not choosing your battles too wisely.

No, she likes you.

I like her. I love kids. I'm great with them.

See you Monday.

You know, there are a lot of different ways to approach a relationship.

99 % of the people would choose a long, slow courtship. Let's take it slow.

Let's get to know each other.

Then there's that 1 % that just cut through all the crap and say, you want

get married?

Janet. Yeah?

Look, this is really hard to say, especially since I've never been on this

of the conversation before, but here goes.

You're a really nice guy, and it's not the haircut, but I don't think it's

to work out.

I'm sorry.

It was the picnic, wasn't it?

Well, it wasn't just the picnic.

I mean, we hardly even know each other.

I don't know what to say, Drew.

I realized I was moving kind of fast and that there wasn't a lot of chemistry

between us, but I thought eventually we would grow into each other.

My days of shooting for the moon are over. I mean, there's nothing wrong with

settling.

You're taking this really well.

It's too bad.

All the stats said that you would have been the perfect father.

Really? Yeah.

Very stable.

According to the charts at our company, odds are you'd stay in your same job for

the next 15 years.

Really? And you would never cheat on me because you're destined to have only one

more sexual partner.

Really? And you'd be there for Monica, at least until she finishes college.

And then we get a divorce?

Heart attack.

All right, well, tell Monica I'll be outside.

So I guess this qualifies as our first dinner date.

Yeah, this is great.

Driving around, beautiful night, stars are out.

Can you get any of these fries that fell on the bottom of the bag?

Here, let me feed them to you.

No. Watch your fingers.

I'm sorry. I must have dozed off.

Oh, my God. It's been two hours.

What kind of a carpool is this? And why is there a fry in my hair?

Well, you know, we got stuck in traffic and there was all that construction.

Please, I know what's going on.

I've been doing frank and footwear for years.

Well, this is me.

I'll walk you to the door. Wait a minute. I won't live long enough for you

walk her to the door.

Fine.

I guess I'll try not to see you tomorrow.

Not unless I don't see you first.

So, you want to get home in a hurry?

Hang on to your teeth.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0