All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s01e07 Drew in Court

Hey, sorry I'm late.

I was up all night preparing for my
lawsuit. You know, about that allegedly

sexist cartoon I put up.

I'm defending myself, so I'd like to
announce that the Drew Carey Legal

Fund is now accepting donations for
court costs.

For 20 bucks, you get a front row seat
in the courtroom.

For 50 bucks, you get to sit on my lap
in the electric chair.

Oh, well. Thanks for letting me in your
carpool.

Well, we need another member since
Bergman and Housewares fell off the

Oh, it's too bad.

Um, I drink beer, but I'm only killing
time until my intervention.

We're not alcoholics. This is the ex
-smoker's carpool.

Oh, good for you.

How long's it been?

No talking!

Oh, Johnson.

Uh, those are candy cigarettes. That's
part of my therapy. Here, I'll take

those.

No, Johnson, these smell like real
cigarettes to me.

Unfiltered, extra tar?

They don't even have a warning label.
Come on, get in here.

Now I'm Mr.

Popularity all of a sudden, huh?

Now we're going to do things my way.

Ready? For Drew's a jolly good fellow.

For Drew's a jolly good fellow. For
Drew's a jolly good fellow.

And so say all of us.

Who knows what I'm offering my love to
me tonight.

Guide her to Cleveland, underneath your
silvery light.

We're going bowling, so don't lose her
in Solon.

Moon over Parma tonight.

Hello, Phillip?

Yeah, this is Drew Smith from the
Cleveland Bar Association.

Yeah, I'm calling all the lawyers to
make sure that they're up to snuff on

laws.

So, pop quiz.

How would you defend a guy who's being
sued by another employee for putting up

cartoon of a caterpillar and making it
with a french fry?

Yeah, yeah, that's the one.

Okay,

Maxwell versus Thomas, 71, right?

Overturn and appeal.

Appurtenances notwithstanding. Can you
spell appurtenances for me?

Wait, I can't keep up. Wait, listen.

Listen, can you just tell me the name of
a good kielbasa hot dog stand right by

the state court building?

Uh -huh. Thanks.

Okay. You passed this time, but just
watch it.

Hey. How's it going, Drew?

Well, after a great deal of legal
research, I came up with a strategy.

I got $10 ,000 and I fake -beared my
car. Anybody want to go to Canada?

I'm never going to win this case.

There's too much to go through. I can't
find anything in those books that'll

help me.

How did your research go?

Well, good news.

I did find one case where someone who
wasn't a lawyer managed to successfully

defend themselves in court. Now, it was
back in 1692, McIntosh... McIntosh

versus Salem.

And the bad news?

Freedom of speech protection doesn't
apply to cases of sexual harassment.

How did I harass Nora by putting up that
cartoon?

Define sexual harassment for me. Well,
simply put, sexual harassment is any

unwelcome sexual advance.

That's every sexual advance I make.

Yeah.

How about you? Did you get any dirt on
this woman?

Well, I followed her like you said, and
I got a lot of pictures.

Okay.

This is some litter I think Nora
dropped.

This is a parking meter that ran out
right after Nora drove off.

These are some really young kids
smoking.

What does any of this have to do with
Nora?

Nothing.

I'm sorry, I couldn't find anything.

Well, I might as well get this over
with.

I need a big favor from you guys.

On the off chance that I lose this case,
I want to make sure my assets are

protected. So, Kate, I need you to sign
here to take the title to my car.

And, Lewis, buddy, I need your signature
here to take over the deed to my house.

Oh, I don't know, Drew. I was hoping my
first home might be something a little

nicer.

Wow. Employee of the Month, Salesman of
the Year.

This is a very impressive resume, Mr.
Schultz.

I just have one last question.

What did you think of that cartoon?

It's funny. Very clever.

Well, I just said that because, see,
here at Winford Louder, we just don't

the best salesman. We want the salesman
with the best sense of humor.

People without humor cause trouble.

Oh, that reminds me of a joke.

Ah, but I shouldn't.

Come on, you can tell me.

Oh, it's a bit off color.

I won't tell.

Okay. Three guys going to a bar, Mr.

Schultz. A priest, a rabbi, and a kraut.

Uh -huh.

I'm sorry, did I say kraut? I meant a
priest, a rabbi, and an Indian.

American Indian or Indian from India?

Both.

Gotcha.

Actually, it was a priest, a rabbi, a
kraut, two Indians, three feminists, a

dolphin, a gay guy, and a honky.

Welcome to Winford Louder.

Oh, Drew, I've got a little something
for you.

Yeah, I got a little something for you,
too, but the other one's jammed in the

chamber.

You know, I think Hitler's in that joke,
too. Take it easy, pal. You got the

job.

Mimi, is this thing for real?

New company policy.

Any big words you want me to explain?

I can't force people to take down all
their personal stuff just because it

offend somebody.

calendars, religious symbols, personal
photographs.

This covers everything.

Not quite. You're still here.

Oh, like you could throw me out.

I'd like to try.

Wait, let me call the Nature Channel so
I can get this one on tape.

Thanks for coming.

So, do I look like a lawyer?

Yeah, if you're debating Lincoln.

Well, I think I look good.

I'm hoping the other lawyers were clam
diggers.

You're going to do great.

I am so proud of you right now, man.

I mean, this is scary as hell.

You're defending yourself against real
lawyers knowing next to nothing about

justice system.

And then some judge who's a complete
stranger is going to decide your fate.

Those kielbases aren't sitting so good
right now.

Mr.

Carey, I just want to wish you good luck
before we get started.

I've got to admire somebody with the
courage to defend themselves.

Well, you don't need a lawyer when you
have truth on your side.

Please be seated.

If the prosecution has an opening
statement, it may begin.

Before that, Your Honor, I'd like to
motion that this case be dismissed on

grounds that it's just another nuisance
lawsuit that's wasting taxpayer money

and your valuable time, which could be
better spent modeling.

Given that this is a case about sexual
harassment, would you like to rephrase

that, Mr. Carey?

It was the modeling part, right?

Just don't take that down. Sit down, Mr.
Carey.

You're welcome.

Your Honor, the prosecution will present
a preponderance of evidence that the

defendant, Mr. Drew Carey, harassed the
plaintiff, Ms. Nora O'Doherty, by

forcing her to read offensive material
included in a company memo.

And this led to the creation of a
hostile work environment.

Thank you. Thank you.

If the defense has an opening statement,
you may begin.

Your Honor, I will show that this case
is completely ridiculous.

We'll all have a good laugh, and then...

Drinks are on me. Hey!

Miss Bobeck, would you mind telling us
your reaction when you saw the cartoon?

I thought it was sexist.

The French fry was saying no, but the
caterpillar was forcing her.

Objection! Your Honor, the witness is
expressing opinion regarding the gender

the French fry. The cartoon doesn't say
whether the fry is female.

Yes, but the French fry is being
mounted.

Yes, but men can be mounted.

You know, some men.

That's my first objection.

No further questions, Your Honor.

The defense may cross -examine.

Uh, Ms. Bobeck, if that is your real
name, would you mind telling the

court exactly what you told me in the
court hallway right before we started

morning? And remember, there were
witnesses.

I said I think you're a disgusting...

Pig, and I hate your guts with an all
-consuming passion.

After that. I'd do anything I have to to
get you put away.

After that.

You four -eyed butt weasel.

Your Honor, I'd like you to consider
this witness's testimony impeached, and

also like to request a ten -minute
recess, because, well, that hurt.

Dr. Singer, in your opinion as a
psychiatrist, does Ms. O'Doherty suffer

any of the symptoms commonly associated
with being a victim of a hostile

workplace? Yes.

She suffers from all of them.

No further questions, Your Honor.

Dr. Singer, would you mind telling us
exactly what those symptoms are?

Well, the victim often suffers a loss of
self -esteem. They may feel abused,

worthless.

and have difficulty performing their
job.

That's half the country on a Monday.

Isn't it possible that she suffered from
these symptoms before she saw the

cartoon? Well, it's possible, but in
light of that cartoon, I don't see

Dr. Singer, did you even see the cartoon
that offended Miss O'Doherty? Yes.

Well, then, tell the truth. Did you find
it funny?

No.

Well, then, Dr. Singer, just what do you
find funny?

Pauly Shore.

And what was your reaction when you saw
the cartoon, Miss O'Doherty? How did it

make you feel?

I felt harassed.

Sexually.

And it made my workplace feel very
hostile.

And did this affect your performance on
the job?

Oh, not at first.

But then he put that cartoon up on the
wall of his cubicle, and I had to face

every day.

I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't eat.

That caterpillar is smiling.

Your Honor, I request a short recess.

This has been very difficult.

Granted. The court will take a 15
-minute recess.

Hey, call me crazy, but I think we got
it.

Man, if I wasn't deep enough already.

The judge is tough, her lawyer's a
shark, and these suspenders are chafing

nipples.

And Nora with that crying, I mean, come
on.

She must have been up all night
rehearsing that.

Well, two can play that game. When I
testify tomorrow, just give me the

and the tears will pour.

I tell you, crying's gotten me out of
fights and speeding tickets and really

sex. There's a great story behind that
one, but it's not flattering.

Oh, Drew, I can make myself sneeze.

I can vomit at will.

Listen, thanks, guys, but I don't think
it's going to come down to that. I mean,

I don't think things are going that
badly.

What do you guys think?

I'm wondering if a lap pool would fit in
your backyard.

What are you talking about?

Oh, Drew wanted to protect his assets,
so he signed his car over to me and his

house over to Louis.

Oh, it's just a legal maneuver, Oswald.
They're not really getting anything.

Oh.

I see.

You can't give anything to two of your
friends while I can't be trusted with

nothing.

Oswald, I'd be honored if you took my
stereo.

You can listen to it over my new house.

Come on, I'm not going to lose.

I got everything under control.

Hey, Drew.

Because of you, I had to take down my
girls on Corvette's calendar.

I just want to say I support your right
to be a moron. All right.

I could take him.

Does anyone doubt I could take him? No.

Hey,

Drew.

Let me know if you find any of these
fries attractive.

I've been waiting to tag this guy since
high school, Drew. And now that he's had

30 beers, I think I could take him.

No, Oswald. Just ignore him.

My leg fell asleep.

Is Mr. Carey aware of what time we were
starting today?

Yes, Your Honor.

Morning.

Sorry I was late, but we had this big
lockdown and then they made us all count

off. Mr. Carey, would you care to
explain this to the court?

Oh, it's really just a long story. It
has nothing to do with the case.

What are the charges?

Aggravated assault, but you know, enough
about me. Your Honor, I'd like to get

things rolling along because I have
another hearing in an hour.

first witness.

The defense calls Ms. Kate O 'Brien.

Sorry we couldn't bail you out, man. The
judge wanted you to cool off for a

night in the tank.

That's okay, Oswald. Jail made me
stronger.

And I learned that which doesn't kill
you will protect you for two cartons of

cools.

Mr. Carey.

Ms. O 'Brien, what is your opinion of
the defendant's character?

He's great.

He's really sweet and good -natured.

I'd say he's one of the most wonderful
guys in the world.

Really?

Do you think the defendant is handsome?

Remember, you're under oath.

Objection. Irrelevant.

I was just trying to add a little
levity, Your Honor. I believe that's why

you're here in the first place.

Get on with it.

Miss O 'Brien, you work at the Winford
Lauder Department Store. Were you

offended by that cartoon?

Offended?

Let me tell you something. I consider
myself to be modest and old -fashioned.

But when I saw that cartoon, I was peed
my pants.

Hell, I was thinking about having that
sucker tattooed on my... Objection!

She's your witness, Mr. Carey. Not
anymore, she ain't.

You can have her. She does any better
for you.

As long as I have known Drew, I've never
heard him tell a dirty joke.

He's never said a disparaging word to a
lady.

He's kind to animals.

And not just the cute ones.

And does the defendant give to
charities?

Yes, he certainly does.

I didn't mention that because I didn't
want to embarrass him.

You see, he's also the most humble man I
know.

And this is your unbiased opinion?

You're not being paid, nor are you under
any financial obligation to the

defendant? Not anymore.

No further questions, Your Honor.

Yes.

No.

I mean, yes.

Could you repeat the question?

Do you swear to tell the truth?

The whole truth and nothing but the
truth.

You know what? No further questions,
Your Honor.

In summation, we've established that Ms.
O'Doherty was forced to view the

cartoon and has suffered the indignities
of a hostile workplace.

Your Honor, I know you will award the
damages we request.

I only hope that will put an end to the
trauma.

Thank you.

The defense may offer its closing
argument.

I think it's time we see what all the
fuss is about.

Oh, give me a break.

Your Honor, this is outrageous.

My client shouldn't have to face this
obscenity. I ask that she be allowed to

leave the courtroom.

The plaintiff may be excused.

Was it me or was she dragging this whole
place down?

Mr. Carey, I do not want to hear another
emotional outburst.

All right.

Then here's my closing statement.

This is insane.

Oh, here's a joke that won't offend
anybody. A person and a person walk into

place. There, that's it.

Thank you. Has everyone in this country
lost their sense of humor?

Geez, what are we living in, China?

You know the guy at Tiananmen Square? He
wasn't trying to stop a tank. He was

trying to tell a funny knock -knock
joke.

Knock -knock? Who's there?

A big -ass tank.

And in summation, lighten up, people.

The court accepts that as your
statement.

Bailiff, retrieve the plaintiff for the
verdict.

What do you think?

I think when you see that little cartoon
on a memo, it's one thing, but when you

blow it up like that, it's disgusting.

I've reached a decision.

The court finds that the plaintiff was
forced to view material that she

considered offensive.

Oh, man.

Mr. Carey, may I digress for a moment to
tell you that the person who did most

damage to your case was you.

Hey, Kate was pretty bad.

At any rate, given that the material in
question is a cartoon about a

caterpillar making advances towards a
French fry...

The court finds that this was not so
egregious as to create a hostile

and therefore the judgment is for the
defendant, Mr. Carey, case dismissed.

Congratulations.

You guys didn't have to go to all this
trouble.

Oh, no trouble at all. Oh, we didn't get
the idea until you ordered the burger,

and, well, the candle's been in his
ashtray for weeks.

Why don't you make a wish, buddy?

I wish that intolerance and censorship
be vanquished by the forces of truth,

justice, and liberty.

Since that'll never happen, Cindy
Crawford's in a wool bikini, and I'm a

You know, there's still one thing I'm
curious about. The whole plausibility of

this confused attraction thing.

A caterpillar?

A French fry.

Now, technically, this caterpillar
should not be aroused because this

is not exuding any pheromones. He's
headed towards it.

Hey, is that another caterpillar I see
in front of me?

Kind of oily, but hey, the bar's about
to close.

Look at that. The caterpillar's going
for it. Oh.

Is it just me or is anyone else getting
turned on?