Original subtitles

Hey, sorry I'm late.

I was up all night preparing for my lawsuit. You know, about that allegedly

sexist cartoon I put up.

I'm defending myself, so I'd like to announce that the Drew Carey Legal

Fund is now accepting donations for court costs.

For 20 bucks, you get a front row seat in the courtroom.

For 50 bucks, you get to sit on my lap in the electric chair.

Oh, well. Thanks for letting me in your carpool.

Well, we need another member since Bergman and Housewares fell off the

Oh, it's too bad.

Um, I drink beer, but I'm only killing time until my intervention.

We're not alcoholics. This is the ex -smoker's carpool.

Oh, good for you.

How long's it been?

No talking!

Oh, Johnson.

Uh, those are candy cigarettes. That's part of my therapy. Here, I'll take

those.

No, Johnson, these smell like real cigarettes to me.

Unfiltered, extra tar?

They don't even have a warning label. Come on, get in here.

Now I'm Mr.

Popularity all of a sudden, huh?

Now we're going to do things my way.

Ready? For Drew's a jolly good fellow.

For Drew's a jolly good fellow. For Drew's a jolly good fellow.

And so say all of us.

Who knows what I'm offering my love to me tonight.

Guide her to Cleveland, underneath your silvery light.

We're going bowling, so don't lose her in Solon.

Moon over Parma tonight.

Hello, Phillip?

Yeah, this is Drew Smith from the Cleveland Bar Association.

Yeah, I'm calling all the lawyers to make sure that they're up to snuff on

laws.

So, pop quiz.

How would you defend a guy who's being sued by another employee for putting up

cartoon of a caterpillar and making it with a french fry?

Yeah, yeah, that's the one.

Okay,

Maxwell versus Thomas, 71, right?

Overturn and appeal.

Appurtenances notwithstanding. Can you spell appurtenances for me?

Wait, I can't keep up. Wait, listen.

Listen, can you just tell me the name of a good kielbasa hot dog stand right by

the state court building?

Uh -huh. Thanks.

Okay. You passed this time, but just watch it.

Hey. How's it going, Drew?

Well, after a great deal of legal research, I came up with a strategy.

I got $10 ,000 and I fake -beared my car. Anybody want to go to Canada?

I'm never going to win this case.

There's too much to go through. I can't find anything in those books that'll

help me.

How did your research go?

Well, good news.

I did find one case where someone who wasn't a lawyer managed to successfully

defend themselves in court. Now, it was back in 1692, McIntosh... McIntosh

versus Salem.

And the bad news?

Freedom of speech protection doesn't apply to cases of sexual harassment.

How did I harass Nora by putting up that cartoon?

Define sexual harassment for me. Well, simply put, sexual harassment is any

unwelcome sexual advance.

That's every sexual advance I make.

Yeah.

How about you? Did you get any dirt on this woman?

Well, I followed her like you said, and I got a lot of pictures.

Okay.

This is some litter I think Nora dropped.

This is a parking meter that ran out right after Nora drove off.

These are some really young kids smoking.

What does any of this have to do with Nora?

Nothing.

I'm sorry, I couldn't find anything.

Well, I might as well get this over with.

I need a big favor from you guys.

On the off chance that I lose this case, I want to make sure my assets are

protected. So, Kate, I need you to sign here to take the title to my car.

And, Lewis, buddy, I need your signature here to take over the deed to my house.

Oh, I don't know, Drew. I was hoping my first home might be something a little

nicer.

Wow. Employee of the Month, Salesman of the Year.

This is a very impressive resume, Mr. Schultz.

I just have one last question.

What did you think of that cartoon?

It's funny. Very clever.

Well, I just said that because, see, here at Winford Louder, we just don't

the best salesman. We want the salesman with the best sense of humor.

People without humor cause trouble.

Oh, that reminds me of a joke.

Ah, but I shouldn't.

Come on, you can tell me.

Oh, it's a bit off color.

I won't tell.

Okay. Three guys going to a bar, Mr.

Schultz. A priest, a rabbi, and a kraut.

Uh -huh.

I'm sorry, did I say kraut? I meant a priest, a rabbi, and an Indian.

American Indian or Indian from India?

Both.

Gotcha.

Actually, it was a priest, a rabbi, a kraut, two Indians, three feminists, a

dolphin, a gay guy, and a honky.

Welcome to Winford Louder.

Oh, Drew, I've got a little something for you.

Yeah, I got a little something for you, too, but the other one's jammed in the

chamber.

You know, I think Hitler's in that joke, too. Take it easy, pal. You got the

job.

Mimi, is this thing for real?

New company policy.

Any big words you want me to explain?

I can't force people to take down all their personal stuff just because it

offend somebody.

calendars, religious symbols, personal photographs.

This covers everything.

Not quite. You're still here.

Oh, like you could throw me out.

I'd like to try.

Wait, let me call the Nature Channel so I can get this one on tape.

Thanks for coming.

So, do I look like a lawyer?

Yeah, if you're debating Lincoln.

Well, I think I look good.

I'm hoping the other lawyers were clam diggers.

You're going to do great.

I am so proud of you right now, man.

I mean, this is scary as hell.

You're defending yourself against real lawyers knowing next to nothing about

justice system.

And then some judge who's a complete stranger is going to decide your fate.

Those kielbases aren't sitting so good right now.

Mr.

Carey, I just want to wish you good luck before we get started.

I've got to admire somebody with the courage to defend themselves.

Well, you don't need a lawyer when you have truth on your side.

Please be seated.

If the prosecution has an opening statement, it may begin.

Before that, Your Honor, I'd like to motion that this case be dismissed on

grounds that it's just another nuisance lawsuit that's wasting taxpayer money

and your valuable time, which could be better spent modeling.

Given that this is a case about sexual harassment, would you like to rephrase

that, Mr. Carey?

It was the modeling part, right?

Just don't take that down. Sit down, Mr. Carey.

You're welcome.

Your Honor, the prosecution will present a preponderance of evidence that the

defendant, Mr. Drew Carey, harassed the plaintiff, Ms. Nora O'Doherty, by

forcing her to read offensive material included in a company memo.

And this led to the creation of a hostile work environment.

Thank you. Thank you.

If the defense has an opening statement, you may begin.

Your Honor, I will show that this case is completely ridiculous.

We'll all have a good laugh, and then...

Drinks are on me. Hey!

Miss Bobeck, would you mind telling us your reaction when you saw the cartoon?

I thought it was sexist.

The French fry was saying no, but the caterpillar was forcing her.

Objection! Your Honor, the witness is expressing opinion regarding the gender

the French fry. The cartoon doesn't say whether the fry is female.

Yes, but the French fry is being mounted.

Yes, but men can be mounted.

You know, some men.

That's my first objection.

No further questions, Your Honor.

The defense may cross -examine.

Uh, Ms. Bobeck, if that is your real name, would you mind telling the

court exactly what you told me in the court hallway right before we started

morning? And remember, there were witnesses.

I said I think you're a disgusting...

Pig, and I hate your guts with an all -consuming passion.

After that. I'd do anything I have to to get you put away.

After that.

You four -eyed butt weasel.

Your Honor, I'd like you to consider this witness's testimony impeached, and

also like to request a ten -minute recess, because, well, that hurt.

Dr. Singer, in your opinion as a psychiatrist, does Ms. O'Doherty suffer

any of the symptoms commonly associated with being a victim of a hostile

workplace? Yes.

She suffers from all of them.

No further questions, Your Honor.

Dr. Singer, would you mind telling us exactly what those symptoms are?

Well, the victim often suffers a loss of self -esteem. They may feel abused,

worthless.

and have difficulty performing their job.

That's half the country on a Monday.

Isn't it possible that she suffered from these symptoms before she saw the

cartoon? Well, it's possible, but in light of that cartoon, I don't see

Dr. Singer, did you even see the cartoon that offended Miss O'Doherty? Yes.

Well, then, tell the truth. Did you find it funny?

No.

Well, then, Dr. Singer, just what do you find funny?

Pauly Shore.

And what was your reaction when you saw the cartoon, Miss O'Doherty? How did it

make you feel?

I felt harassed.

Sexually.

And it made my workplace feel very hostile.

And did this affect your performance on the job?

Oh, not at first.

But then he put that cartoon up on the wall of his cubicle, and I had to face

every day.

I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't eat.

That caterpillar is smiling.

Your Honor, I request a short recess.

This has been very difficult.

Granted. The court will take a 15 -minute recess.

Hey, call me crazy, but I think we got it.

Man, if I wasn't deep enough already.

The judge is tough, her lawyer's a shark, and these suspenders are chafing

nipples.

And Nora with that crying, I mean, come on.

She must have been up all night rehearsing that.

Well, two can play that game. When I testify tomorrow, just give me the

and the tears will pour.

I tell you, crying's gotten me out of fights and speeding tickets and really

sex. There's a great story behind that one, but it's not flattering.

Oh, Drew, I can make myself sneeze.

I can vomit at will.

Listen, thanks, guys, but I don't think it's going to come down to that. I mean,

I don't think things are going that badly.

What do you guys think?

I'm wondering if a lap pool would fit in your backyard.

What are you talking about?

Oh, Drew wanted to protect his assets, so he signed his car over to me and his

house over to Louis.

Oh, it's just a legal maneuver, Oswald. They're not really getting anything.

Oh.

I see.

You can't give anything to two of your friends while I can't be trusted with

nothing.

Oswald, I'd be honored if you took my stereo.

You can listen to it over my new house.

Come on, I'm not going to lose.

I got everything under control.

Hey, Drew.

Because of you, I had to take down my girls on Corvette's calendar.

I just want to say I support your right to be a moron. All right.

I could take him.

Does anyone doubt I could take him? No.

Hey,

Drew.

Let me know if you find any of these fries attractive.

I've been waiting to tag this guy since high school, Drew. And now that he's had

30 beers, I think I could take him.

No, Oswald. Just ignore him.

My leg fell asleep.

Is Mr. Carey aware of what time we were starting today?

Yes, Your Honor.

Morning.

Sorry I was late, but we had this big lockdown and then they made us all count

off. Mr. Carey, would you care to explain this to the court?

Oh, it's really just a long story. It has nothing to do with the case.

What are the charges?

Aggravated assault, but you know, enough about me. Your Honor, I'd like to get

things rolling along because I have another hearing in an hour.

first witness.

The defense calls Ms. Kate O 'Brien.

Sorry we couldn't bail you out, man. The judge wanted you to cool off for a

night in the tank.

That's okay, Oswald. Jail made me stronger.

And I learned that which doesn't kill you will protect you for two cartons of

cools.

Mr. Carey.

Ms. O 'Brien, what is your opinion of the defendant's character?

He's great.

He's really sweet and good -natured.

I'd say he's one of the most wonderful guys in the world.

Really?

Do you think the defendant is handsome?

Remember, you're under oath.

Objection. Irrelevant.

I was just trying to add a little levity, Your Honor. I believe that's why

you're here in the first place.

Get on with it.

Miss O 'Brien, you work at the Winford Lauder Department Store. Were you

offended by that cartoon?

Offended?

Let me tell you something. I consider myself to be modest and old -fashioned.

But when I saw that cartoon, I was peed my pants.

Hell, I was thinking about having that sucker tattooed on my... Objection!

She's your witness, Mr. Carey. Not anymore, she ain't.

You can have her. She does any better for you.

As long as I have known Drew, I've never heard him tell a dirty joke.

He's never said a disparaging word to a lady.

He's kind to animals.

And not just the cute ones.

And does the defendant give to charities?

Yes, he certainly does.

I didn't mention that because I didn't want to embarrass him.

You see, he's also the most humble man I know.

And this is your unbiased opinion?

You're not being paid, nor are you under any financial obligation to the

defendant? Not anymore.

No further questions, Your Honor.

Yes.

No.

I mean, yes.

Could you repeat the question?

Do you swear to tell the truth?

The whole truth and nothing but the truth.

You know what? No further questions, Your Honor.

In summation, we've established that Ms. O'Doherty was forced to view the

cartoon and has suffered the indignities of a hostile workplace.

Your Honor, I know you will award the damages we request.

I only hope that will put an end to the trauma.

Thank you.

The defense may offer its closing argument.

I think it's time we see what all the fuss is about.

Oh, give me a break.

Your Honor, this is outrageous.

My client shouldn't have to face this obscenity. I ask that she be allowed to

leave the courtroom.

The plaintiff may be excused.

Was it me or was she dragging this whole place down?

Mr. Carey, I do not want to hear another emotional outburst.

All right.

Then here's my closing statement.

This is insane.

Oh, here's a joke that won't offend anybody. A person and a person walk into

place. There, that's it.

Thank you. Has everyone in this country lost their sense of humor?

Geez, what are we living in, China?

You know the guy at Tiananmen Square? He wasn't trying to stop a tank. He was

trying to tell a funny knock -knock joke.

Knock -knock? Who's there?

A big -ass tank.

And in summation, lighten up, people.

The court accepts that as your statement.

Bailiff, retrieve the plaintiff for the verdict.

What do you think?

I think when you see that little cartoon on a memo, it's one thing, but when you

blow it up like that, it's disgusting.

I've reached a decision.

The court finds that the plaintiff was forced to view material that she

considered offensive.

Oh, man.

Mr. Carey, may I digress for a moment to tell you that the person who did most

damage to your case was you.

Hey, Kate was pretty bad.

At any rate, given that the material in question is a cartoon about a

caterpillar making advances towards a French fry...

The court finds that this was not so egregious as to create a hostile

and therefore the judgment is for the defendant, Mr. Carey, case dismissed.

Congratulations.

You guys didn't have to go to all this trouble.

Oh, no trouble at all. Oh, we didn't get the idea until you ordered the burger,

and, well, the candle's been in his ashtray for weeks.

Why don't you make a wish, buddy?

I wish that intolerance and censorship be vanquished by the forces of truth,

justice, and liberty.

Since that'll never happen, Cindy Crawford's in a wool bikini, and I'm a

You know, there's still one thing I'm curious about. The whole plausibility of

this confused attraction thing.

A caterpillar?

A French fry.

Now, technically, this caterpillar should not be aroused because this

is not exuding any pheromones. He's headed towards it.

Hey, is that another caterpillar I see in front of me?

Kind of oily, but hey, the bar's about to close.

Look at that. The caterpillar's going for it. Oh.

Is it just me or is anyone else getting turned on?

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