Original subtitles

So, um, how are things down at the warehouse?

Slow. Oh, nothing like what's happening up in management, huh? Yeah. All

everybody talks about is that creep who's getting sued for that sexist

Well, I don't know if I'd call him a creep, you know, it's just a little

of a caterpillar trying to do it with a french fry.

You know, make love to a french fry.

You from management?

What makes you say that?

You're wearing a suit.

Oh, this is just for product testing.

Try and light me on fire.

Well, it's about time somebody nailed one of those big shots with sexual

harassment.

Actually, it's a hostile workplace lawsuit.

You know, harassment is different.

But every good is bad.

In some cases, worse.

In most cases, all.

Let me tell you one thing about this harassment guy. If I ever found out who

was... I'd show him a hostile workplace.

If he ever laid a hand on me, I'd rip his arm out from his socket and I'd beat

him over the head with it.

I'd yell at him, that's for sure.

Hey, watch where you're going, buddy.

Boy, typical male driver, huh?

You know what they say, if you have a big, you know what, you don't need a

Porsche.

Let me tell you, I've talked to a lot of employees and everyone's on your side.

Really, you think so? Yeah. I hope you're fried, Drew.

Aw, she called me Drew.

I haven't had my morning coffee yet.

Hey, derp.

You got visitors.

You

can't

prove that.

We're from the law firm of Fenn and Geller. My name is Archibald Fenn. This

my partner, Geller, and we are here to represent you, an important and valuable

member of the Winfred Lauder family.

job for this guy, because let me tell you something. This case is ludicrous.

Drew is the last person to create a hostile working environment for women.

Thanks, Kate. I mean, he's the guy that all women want as their friend.

Thank you. And you know why?

Because he's completely non -sexual. He's virtually a unit. He hardly dates.

can ask anyone.

And thank you, Kate.

I'm sorry. I must get a lot of these nuisance lawsuits, huh?

Brother, you wouldn't believe what we have to deal with. We used to be

injury lawyers.

I know you might want to put something on that.

He's fine.

Can we plunge right into you and your case, please?

All right. I read the complaints, and in all honesty, yes, I did distribute the

cartoon as well as hang it up, but it was totally harmless.

Now, Mr. Carey, we appreciate your candor. Is this the cartoon?

Yes, it is.

Where did you get it?

You're a pressure, could you? I'm reading. Could you? Please?

That cartoon was faxed to me.

So you don't read smut magazines?

No, look. All I did was Xerox the cartoon as part of the memo to liven it

And who told you this memo needed livening?

That order came directly from the White House.

I wouldn't be kidding around if I were you, Mr. Carey. Because from what I'm

hearing, you committed this act of your own volition without the explicit or

even tacit approval of Winfred Lauder.

Is that correct, Mr.

Drew Carey?

Hey, wait a minute. I thought you guys were on my side.

Sides?

Maybe there are no sides. Maybe this problem is round.

What is this?

Just says that we're representing you and that you agree to settle out of

Well, listen, I really can't sign this, you know, without a second opinion. And

besides, I'm left -handed.

Look, if I sign this, isn't that an admission of guilt? I mean, what about

First Amendment rights?

The first thing they start screaming, First Amendment, First Amendment, like a

bunch of mewling babies.

Listen.

You don't agree to settle out of court. We can't be responsible for what happens

to you.

Understand?

Cartoon boy.

I understand that sounds like a threat.

Now listen, when we first started this conversation, you said we were one big

happy Winford Lauder family.

Now it's more like we're the Donner family and I just pulled up lame.

Get the hell out of here, both of you.

I'll get my own lawyer.

One who clocks.

I can't believe in the entire city of Cleveland there isn't one lawyer with

guts to list his phone number.

Have you tried looking under attorneys?

Wow!

There are thousands of them. Everything from Abrams to Zambetti.

Have you tried talking to this woman who's suing you? She won't return my

She won't even meet with me.

Then why don't you just go along with the company's lawyers and settle?

What? And give in?

I'm tired of giving in. I give in every day of my life. I give in to my boss. I

give in to my neighbors.

I even give in and buy American.

And when that breaks, I buy American again.

But I am not giving in on this one.

Oswald, give me the name of a lawyer. I'll call the first one you pick. Here's

one as seen on 60 Minutes.

Oh, this is crazy.

I have no way of knowing which lawyer is any good.

Kate, didn't you go out with a lawyer once?

You mean Brad?

The guy I met on that blind date who kept calling and calling forever?

Don't remind me.

Why? What happened?

Well, he had to be first in everything.

He had to be first in law school.

First to pass the bar, and in bed, another first.

It's all in the past.

Why don't you be an adult and call him? No.

Dude, and I'll stop this. Dude, and I'll stop this.

Forget it. No.

Okay, this is how the phone call goes.

Hi, Brad.

I have a friend.

She's in trouble, and she's really cute.

You get him the bar, and I'll take it from there.

He's so obnoxious.

More obnoxious than this, more obnoxious than this.

Yeah, let me just get the money from my wall safe behind the Monet over here.

Oh, my God, the Monet is gone.

All right, all right.

I'll do it. I don't want to do it, but I will do it. I'm just tired of the

nagging. Wow, it just flashed back to my prom night.

Peaches, what is it?

Your door was locked.

Look, just because you're my neighbor doesn't mean you just come over here any

time you want.

Okay.

I didn't have time to bake you anything today, so I brought you this from the

silkscreen place I work at.

They say they're misprints.

Of course it's a misprint.

The arrow is supposed to point to somebody else.

Oh, well, that'd be funny, too.

Look, Peaches, I'm sorry I'm in such a bad mood, but, you know, I'm being sued,

so... Sued for what?

Some woman at work said I sexually harassed her.

Want to show me where you touched her?

I didn't touch her. Then show me where you would have touched her.

I think it was somewhere in the living room. You check the yard.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing?

Watching everything Darwin said go right out the window.

That doesn't meet with the Warsaw, only if I come along.

Oh, great.

Oh, I'd love to have you along, Peaches, but you know, my car only holds four.

Oh, come on, Drew.

There's always room for another lovely lady in the car.

Wow. You almost sound like you're singing when you talk.

You should hear me sing.

It almost sounds like I'm talking.

You should hear me throw up.

It almost sounds like Handel's water music.

I hope this lawyer you know works out. Well, do you remember that poor old lady

that got coffee spilled all over her?

Yeah. He got her sent to prison.

Hey, everybody, watch!

Okay, this is a test of the emergency broadcast system.

This is only a test.

Here's to us, Oswald.

You're an amazing man.

Time to go powder my nose.

Call me crazy, but now that I'm getting to know Peaches, there is something

downright appealing about her.

I'm not trying to rain on anybody's parade here, but I can't believe you're

falling for this.

Falling for what?

Buddy, wake up and smell the coffee.

She's tunneling through you to get to me.

Drew, you're jealous.

Jealous? Over a woman who gets her daily iron from dirt?

if I take pizzas out for a bite to eat.

Mine? Yeah.

I mind so much. I'll even pay for it. Here. Here's ten bucks.

Oh, wait a minute. Here's eleven.

Supersize it.

Thanks, buddy.

Brad. Brad.

Over here.

Gates. Great to see you.

Drew Carey. It is so crazy you called.

So, where's your cute girlfriend?

Whatever doctor did this to you, we'll get you so much money.

I'm sorry, but Kate figured we had a lie to get you down here.

Well, you know, that is just the kind of thing that makes me glad I dumped you.

You dumped me?

I dumped you. No, no, no. I dumped you.

Save the fight for the courtroom, pal.

Okay.

I broke up with you first.

He tells me that you put up a tasteless cartoon at work.

Allegedly tasteless.

Listen, Brad, buddy, I know this kind of advice doesn't come cheap, and, well, I

don't have that kind of money.

Maybe you two could work something out.

Yeah. How about 10 ,000 easy payments of a dollar?

Don't worry.

I'm willing to take this case pro bono.

If Kate's willing to go on a date with me.

Hold on.

I can't ask Kate to go out to a lovely dinner with this fine young line of an

attorney who drives a... What do you drive? Cadillac. Cadillac?

I mean, to make this one tiny, miserable, insignificant little

best friend in the whole wide world?

Convertible. Convertible?

I'll tell you what. We'll talk about it. Well, why don't we talk about it up at

the bar?

You know, I am so sorry I dumped you.

Man, I can't believe it.

I'm getting a free lawyer and I finally got peaches out of my hair.

You know the difference between you and me, Norton?

I always land on my feet.

Don't do this, Drew.

I can feel it, man. You're tempting fate.

Fate? Ha!

I laugh at fate.

Hey, fate. Right here. Take your best shot. Come on. I dare you.

Get your tongue off me, you creep.

How about two out of three?

I can't.

Well, maybe he needed salt.

I'd love to help you, but anything but that.

Oh, I'm sorry, Kate. I shouldn't have put you in that position.

Hey, maybe prison won't be so bad.

Yeah, you get plenty of time to read.

You get to work out all the time.

You get three square meals a day.

Yeah, well, it'll be just like a spa.

Except the big muscly guy who rubs your back also lives with you.

society around here anywhere you a narc hey maybe i just like my hair like this

okay i'm sorry man yeah i'm the lawyer look i'm not here to bust you so you can

exhale now okay buddy look the reason i'm here is because this woman at

work assumed me for putting up this you know supposedly offensive cartoon well

it's uh it's not offensive and it's definitely not funny because i'm not

laughing and uh i'm in He's the audience right now.

What's your annual salary?

Why? Because we only represent the little guy who's being driven down by

forces of capitalism and stripped of his soul by the giant mega -conglomerates.

Oh, brother, if you ever need a poster boy... And you have an annual salary of?

You know, $26 ,000, roughly.

Oh, sorry, man. You make too much money.

What? You tell my mom that.

Come on, man. You've got to represent me. I've been all over town. I don't

the bucks for a regular lawyer.

You just got done telling me you represent the underdog. No, we work for

little guy.

Unfortunately, at $26 ,000, you're the medium guy.

Come on. I'm the little guy.

Well, fine. If you're the little guy, then we only represent the tiny guy.

$24 ,000 and under.

Please. You're my last chance. If you don't represent me, I could be fired.

Well, if you're fired, then we can represent you.

But if you don't represent me, I could be fired.

Well, if you're fired, then we can... Whoa, man, that was cool.

My cue ball's stuck in the undertow.

Look, Drew, we just want you to know that if you choose to settle, that we,

good friends, still know that you're a man of principle.

Yeah, but I know I wasn't. You know, this stints. I can't afford a long court

battle, and I'm too rich to get free help.

I fall through the cracks in the system.

I might as well just lie here with my mouth open and drown.

Signal us with your blowhole.

You okay, Drew?

Yeah, sure.

You know, teachers, I'm really happy for you and Oswald.

Your parents must be proud of you. You know, being outside the family and

everything.

Well, that's kind of what I came over to talk about.

Oswald and me.

It's over. I'd like you to give him this letter.

Wait.

This must be a mistake. You and Oswald were meant for each other.

You begged yourself a 12th point.

Or whatever it is you Appalachian Americans say.

I don't want no trophy, boyfriend.

Besides, I'm looking for something more permanent.

Oh, man.

That's the same kiss I might as well got from the last six women he dated.

This is going to crush him.

Anyway, you're the one for me, Drew.

My socket friend told me so.

Oh, man. She's still on the line. I got to go.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Daddy accidentally grabbed your paper this morning.

Remember, Drew?

just brought me my paper.

I'm gonna go say hi.

Hey, listen, Oswald, uh, we need to talk.

About what, buddy?

Uh, it's about Piku.

You know, um, since you guys started getting interested in each other, I'm

as sure exactly how I feel about her, and, well, you know, you're so good

-looking, and you have that great voice and everything.

You want me to back up?

Well, yeah.

I mean, I don't want to know why. It would really mean a lot to me, and I get

many women that... The looking dog.

Oh, man.

How about you weren't interested in peaches? I should have known. You can't

afford to throw anything back.

Thanks, Oswald. I hope someday in the future I'm able to explain to you what a

truly special moment this was.

Don't sweat it. And listen, about this whole lawsuit thing. If you lose and

take everything away from you, you're welcome to whatever I get.

What is that?

Rhythm.

Hey, y 'all.

What the hell's going on here?

We got a work order to put in a skylight.

Skylight? That's not a roof above me. That's accounting.

All right.

A vent.

Wait a minute. This is on purpose just to cover up my cartoon.

Oh, look who's here.

The early settlers.

Drew, the corporation has got to protect itself. Come on, be a team player.

Sign the papers.

Somebody just found a way to get water into the new bathe and blow hair dryer

and we're going to be up to our elbows in people with skin grafts. Up to their

elbows.

I'm not signing.

If you go to court, you will lose.

You want to make a federal case out of this?

Look, it already is. And I'll tell you something else.

For seven years, I worked in this cramped little cubicle where the

sucks.

So I busted my hump for a company that won't even back me up when I'm right.

So if I'm the only one that's going to stand up and say, hey, it's just a

little cartoon, that's my own stupid choice, and I'll take my own stupid

consequences. No lawyer in his right mind will take this case.

What?

That's the other stupid thing. I'm going to represent myself.

Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me.

God bless America,

land that I love.

Stand beside her and guide her from the thing to the thing from the thing.

This is your psychic friend.

Yes, I knew you were about to call me.

That's why I called you.

You see, I'm psychic.

In fact, I can tell you what you are wearing right now.

You are wearing... Curlers.

Curlers.

And you are also wearing... Curlers.

Anyway, let me tell you why I called you. I sense danger for you. There is a

in your life.

A handsome man.

Crew cut, glasses, a little portly, but it works for him.

Listen to me and you must listen carefully.

Here's trouble.

Stay away. Joe!

Joe! I gotta use the phone.

Yeah, Peaches, it's me.

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