All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s01e05 No Two Things In Nature Are Exactly Alike

Man, I can't thank you enough, Bill. I
know how crowded all the carpools are. I

really appreciate you squeezing me in.

So, uh, I guess I'm your first stop,
huh?

Nope, you're it.

Really? Just me?

Yeah, just you and me.

Bill! Buddy!

Ah, excuse me. Probably the wife.

Yeah, honey.

Because it's always you.

Look at all this room, man.

I could probably lay down.

Oh. Well.

Time for my sit -up.

Yeah,

tight.

What do you want me to do? Turn around
now and come home?

Well, then get a job.

Do something with your life instead of
laying around feeling sorry for

Hey, let's play auto bingo.

Sign, a bus, a billboard, a mailman.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

How about if I kill myself, huh?

You can do it, Doris. I'm behind the
wheel.

Say the word.

Ambulance, a policeman.

All right.

All right, then.

Yeah, just go back to bed.

Yeah. I love you, too.

All right, bye.

No problem at home?

Same thing every morning.

Boy, if I didn't have a girlfriend on
the side, I would kill myself.

I'm still here.

So, does baby have passenger side
airbags?

You know, you buy a house from someone,
you expect the furnace to be in good

working order.

I have half a mind to drag those con
artists back from Florida and make them

this. Oh, is that where your folks are
now? Yeah.

this global warming I've been hearing so
much about.

Hey, screw the grandkids. I'm cold now.

I need some heat today, damn it.

Hey, Lewis, any good news?

Yeah, I found this really neat oily
stuff to play with.

Drew, your furnace is dead.

Oh, man.

Coming.

Gee, I hope it's somebody who's on fire.

Oh, hey, Kate.

Hey, Drew.

Wow, it's freezing in here.

Yeah, well, the furnace broke.

Oh, so I guess a snake couldn't live in
a house this cold, huh?

Gee, what's in the box?

Is it a puppy?

No, but you could eat a puppy.

It's Barry's python.

You want it?

No, I just gave a big box to Goodwill.

What went wrong with Barry's snake?

Why didn't you just take it with him
when you threw him out of the house?

He hasn't taken any of his things. And I
just don't want this slimy, creepy, rat

-eating thing in my house anymore.

You're running a warehouse.

Have you talked to him about this? A few
times.

Hey, sneaky, sneaky.

Roll over.

Come on, boy.

Roll over. Lewis, Lewis, it's not going
to work.

Good boy!

Oops, I got to go.

Hey, Oswald, if you're going to stick
around the house, find a furnace repair

guy, would you, buddy?

I'll pay you twice what you get for
laying on the couch.

I'd be glad to.

Although today is the anniversary of my
grandfather's death, I was going to go

to church.

Oh, I'm sorry, man. I didn't know.
That's much more important.

Gotcha.

Oh, man. I just got it the way I liked
it. I don't have to do it all over

Okay, let's go.

Morning, Angie.

Mimi?

So, did you see that game last night?
Man, finally, it's everyone else's team

that sucks.

Have you seen the teams playing that are
in last place? They don't even care

anymore. They run out to the field. Hey,
man, can I borrow your glove?

Long fly ball to right field.

Oh, God, I can't believe it.

Say, hey, Willie.

Mr. Bell wants you to send this out for
general distribution right away.

See here.

What? Only one person will call a day.
That's totally unfair.

Blame your little friend, Kate.

Some guy she broke up with has been
calling her like 20, 30 times a day.

wasting a lot of people's time.

Was this your idea?

Maybe. Has anyone ever tested your
makeup for lead?

You know, Mr. Carey, and I'm not
speaking as your boss's personal

but as your enemy, bite me.

Yeah, one of these days I'm going to
bite you and I'm going to get very, very

sick.

Hello, Lashandra. Can you send Kate O
'Brien from Cosmetics up here, please?

Thank you.

If it helps, here is your daily cartoon
facts.

Oh, man. Who keeps sending me these
things? They're not even funny.

Hey, this is great.

It's a caterpillar, see?

He's trying to make it with his crinkle
-cut french fry.

See? Hey, cut it out. I'm a french fry.

It's hilarious.

Here, I'll tell you what. Why don't you
put this at the bottom of this stupid

memo? Maybe it'll cheer people up. You
know, like putting a smiley face on a

subpoena.

Hey, Angie. Hey, handsome.

Don't you hey Angie me.

Why didn't you tell me that Barry was
bothering you at work?

Because I wanted to handle it myself.

I can't believe anyone bothered you with
this.

Bothered me?

I have to send out a memo limiting
personal phone calls for the entire

I mean, you've got to put a stop to
this.

Okay, that's it. I'm calling Barry right
now.

You know, uh...

This will have to be your one personal
call.

Barry, it's Kate.

Oh, shut up. I shouldn't bother you at
work.

Look, you can't keep calling me anymore.

It's over.

No, I want you to pick up your stuff,
and if you don't stop this, I'm getting

nuisance warrant.

Is that a threat?

Oh, aren't you a big man? Give me that
phone.

Listen, Barry, if Kate says it's over,
it's over. Now get your stuff out of her

house by tomorrow night, and if you ever
threaten her again, you're in big

trouble, mister.

Yeah, never mind who this is.

Yes, Mr. Bell.

I'm afraid we have a problem, Gary.

If it's about the employee phone you
searched, it's already been taken care

Yes, actually, I was calling about the
cartoon you put on the memo. Very

amusing.

Thank you, sir.

You know, I have another one with a
turtle and an army helmet. It's a whole

different thing.

Totally unfair.

I mean, it was just a harmless, stupid
little memo. I was just trying to boost

employee morale.

You know, don't be offended by that.

Someone who considers it sexually
explicit material, and I'm afraid she

remain anonymous.

She?

Yeah.

Look, this is totally unfair.

Can I just talk to her? Maybe I can
explain a little... Okay, who's the rat?

Oh, of course.

So, uh...

You funny little, sunny little Mimi.

How'd you like that cartoon I put on
this morning's memo, huh? Did you like

I loved it.

I put it on my file cabinet.

So you didn't bust me on it with Mr.
Bell?

You could bust it on that little
cartoon.

It's beautiful.

Hey, I'm not in enough trouble with Mr.
Bell. I'm hanging by a thread here.

Well, then you better be nice to me, or
I won't tell you that when you hung up,

Mr. Bell said he wanted to see you in
his office right away.

What? Why don't you tell me?

You got me there.

You big sack of... I wrote

a new memo. Tell me what you think.

To all employees, from Drew Carey,
assistant director of personnel, as of

tomorrow, all employees will be
requested to bring their sense of humor

This replaces the current practice of
shoving a stick up your butt.

Thank you.

It's very healthy. You can let it go,
Drew.

man are you whacked out of course I'm
whacked out why does one uptight person

get to ruin it for everybody else a lot
of people in the office love that

cartoon hey Drew love the cartoon hey I
had french fries at lunch I thought of

you buddy Drew I loved your cartoon I
can walk again hey Drew Oswald

hey Lewis how you doing space cadet it's
fine you stupid fat slob biker dude

State your business, Jules, or I'm
calling the ATF.

We need a small favor, Drew. We gave
your name as a job reference.

Oh, man. All right.

What do I hire you for?

Interior decorator.

I've worked for you for ten years.

I'm currently making $75 ,000 a year.

Yeah. I love what you do with your
outhouse.

Oh, one other thing. Would you mind
answering your phone, Drew Corp, for a

while?

Boy, I thought faxing you those cartoons
would put you in a better mood.

What? That was you?

Don't thank me, Drew. I'm just being a
good neighbor.

You know, you have neighbors on the
other side, too.

Well, yeah, but they don't like us.

No, no, don't anyone help me with this
incredibly heavy box, thank you.

Hey, she was talking to you.

I'm sorry.

What you got there, Kate?

Barry's stuff.

There's been a small change in plans.

I told Barry to come here tomorrow
night.

What?

I don't want him in my house again.

Yeah, you don't want him in your house
because now he's mad and he's going to

start busting up stuff.

What if you forgot some of his things?

He's going to go nuts if you think you
were stealing.

I'll see.

Did you get his leather jacket?

I always pictured myself in that. Hey,
you're not getting anything.

I'm the one who treated you like crap
and I deserve a few of the lousy things

kept.

He won't miss anything anyway.

Maybe his insulin.

Man, are you asking for trouble? You
know he's just going to take it out and

ruin his house.

What if the guy goes berserk and breaks
one of Drew's hummels?

Yeah, what if he breaks both my hummels?

Fifteen years of Winford Louders. Very
impressive, Mary. No black marks, no

customer complaints. I'm sorry, Mr.
Carey, but can you tell me exactly why

here? I'm just having a friendly little
chat with all the associates, you know,

just to make sure that management
doesn't become this anonymous authority

represented by a bunch of memos.

Like this one, for example.

Do you find this offensive, Mary?

Just asking.

Are we done?

Yeah.

Thanks for stopping by and just about
the good work.

All right. It's not Mary?

True. Oh, I'll find her, Kate.

If I have to terrorize every nice little
old lady in the store, I'll find her.

Since we're on the subject of insane,
obsessive behavior, Barry called again.

Oh, great.

What did he say?

He can't live without me. He can't
sleep. He's hearing voices.

I'm really sorry, Drew. I just wanted to
prepare you for tonight.

How did I get myself into this?

Yeah, the better question is, how did
you get me into this?

You know, sometimes I think you do this
stuff to me on purpose.

Did you find this cartoon offensive?

I've seen your secret shelf.

I don't find anything offensive.

Kate.

Paycheck. Thanks.

Drew. Hey, you're the most popular
person in the store, I'll bet.

Passing out the cash.

Hey, fellas, look who's here.

Feed me.

Hey,

you never guess what happened to me
today.

No. What? Some uptight, humorless
killjoy got me in trouble with Mr. Bell

hanging up this silly cartoon. She
didn't even have the decency to tell me

face. Can you believe that?

Happens. Yeah, I guess.

So are you just going to leave it up
like that?

Hell yes.

It's my right as a citizen of this great
country to put up whatever stupid

garbage I want.

I look at the wall of my cubicle and I
say, why not?

I was just thinking that someone might
see it and be bothered by it.

Yeah, like who?

Nora.

Not you.

Look, I don't want to get into this.

That cartoon is offensive and hostile to
women. I think you should take it down.

It's a caterpillar and a french fry.

Not to everyone.

You know, you could have just told me,
Drew. I didn't appreciate this

hysterically funny cartoon.

So please don't send me any more of your
selfless and inspirational attempts to

brighten my day.

You didn't have to go to Mr. Bell about
it. I can do what I want. It's a free

country. Yeah, not with people like you
around, it's not. Drew, Drew, please.

Nora, can we talk woman to woman?

Because I'm sensitive to the anguish
you're feeling, my sister.

I've known Drew a long time, and I'm
sure he didn't mean anything by this.

sure. Stick up for your friend.
Everybody knows how you got this job.

Why shouldn't I stick up for him, you
tight -lipped priss?

Next thing you know, you're going to sue
him for creating a hostile workplace.

Uh, Kate? No, no. Let me finish.

Go ahead. Make a federal case out of it.
You think anyone's going to care?

Oh, the caterpillar and the french fry
are having sex.

Oh, I'm so ashamed.

You know what I think?

Don't say it, Kate. I think...

Oh, good. You found a nice way to put
it.

I don't have to take this.

Well, that just about takes care of my
job.

Don't worry, Drew. Who's going to sign
with that loose cannon?

Oh, man, I can't believe it was Nora. I
always thought she was one of those

quiet little people that never make any
trouble.

It's always the quiet ones, Kate. Yeah.

Drew, you stupid idiot. You call any of
these all backwards.

Unless it's the loud ones.

I just called Barry's and there's no
answer, so he must be on his way over.

It'll probably be a while. Hard to find
a place that sells ammo and beer.

Oh, I should have never agreed to this.

If it's Barry, we can pretend we're not
here.

No, not that.

Drew Corp.

Jules Lavermont? Yeah, good man.

Oh, I like an interior decorator who has
a little ledge.

Yeah, yeah, that was a salary.

Uh, yeah, I'd have paid him more, but,
you know, I had that Appalachian family

finishing up my tea garden.

Yeah, no problem. Yeah, bye.

This is driving me nuts.

Oh, great. So we're both nuts.

Oh, relax, Kate.

I got a plan. I'm going to hold him up
with my face until Oswald and Lewis get

here.

It's just I've been dreading this for
months, and now that it's finally here,

just want to run out.

Oh, I hope that's the guys.

I can't hold my gun in much longer.

Kate?

Yeah, come in.

Barry.

Kate.

Haven't seen you in a while, Bear.

You're a lot bigger than I remember.

Your stuff's all here. Take it and go.

Can we talk about this?

Could you excuse us, Drew?

Yeah, I'd like to, Bear. I really would,
but I don't think Kate wants me to.

Kate? There's nothing else to talk
about. Anything you have to say, you can

in front of Drew.

I was a complete ass.

I'm begging you to come back.

You're really going to do this in front
of me?

Cool.

Okay, can we talk outside?

I don't want to hear from you again.

What? Is there somebody else?

Yeah, there's two.

How good are you at getting sarcasm,
Barry?

Quit playing with me. You've got to
listen to me, damn it. Hey, I'm still

on the place, man. You don't come into
some stranger's house and start slamming

stuff around.

I wish I had the personal self
-restraint not to want to kill you right

know what I wish? I wish my friends were
here to see you try.

Yeah, I really wish that a lot.

Leave so I can talk to Kate.

Oh, yeah, make me. You're not hearing
me. No, you're not hearing me. I only

like the kind of guy who took crap from
guys like you in high school.

Actually, I was a berserker in glasses
who almost got myself killed a couple

times fighting any lunatic who came
along.

I never took anything off anybody.

I especially don't take it now that my
friends are finally here standing behind

me at the door. Would you guys fight?

You know you're going to come back to me
eventually.

You know what?

You're pathetic.

We are so over that I don't even want to
be reminded of you.

Here, this is yours.

You know, you don't want to be reminded
of Kate.

You think about that.

Why don't you guys take Barry's boxes
out to his truck?

I call shotgun.

Oh, we're not going anywhere, are we?

Holy crap.

You know what's almost just happened
here?

I haven't had an adrenaline rush like
that since I was 16.

Next time, pick somebody a little more
stable, would you? Like a traveling

or a mercenary or something.

You were very cool, though. You remember
Steven Scull and Under Siege?

Yeah.

Nothing like him, huh? Yeah.

Hey,

Kate. What do you think?

I think you're one step away from living
in a car with messages painted all over

it.

It's our last shred of dignity, Kate.

It's the freedom of speech afforded us
by the First Amendment, which will be

tacked up right over here with some
candles and a small but tasteful weeping

willy doll.

He really pees.

Having fun, kids?

Hey, aren't you meanie love? I feel you.

Is someone here to see Drew?

Oh, you must be by 9 .30. I'm sorry. I
just got carried away decorating my

office. Hey, it's okay.

Later, Drew.

Thanks again for last night.

Hey, you already got the job. Why don't
you relax?

Thank you, Mimi.

You better hurry home. The sun's going
down.

Wait a minute.

That doesn't make any sense.

Vampires don't die unless the sun comes
up.

Have a seat.

What a resume you have here. What's the
matter? Can't hold a job?

All right, that's who we have here.

Looks like the state of Ohio. What is
this?

Actually, it's a lawsuit.

I'm a process server. You're being sued.

By who?

Should all be there on the first page.

Let the defendant be known by these...
Nora O'Doherty?

Creating a hostile workplace?

Sorry.

Great cartoon.

Sexist pig.

You know that new woman you've been
staring at in cosmetics?

She wanted me to give you her phone
number.

Finally. Staring at a woman and not
saying anything worked.

She's having a hot tub party tonight,
and she wants you to call her right away

if you want to go.

Well, I don't know.

Where's the phone?

Don't use your one personal phone call.
Your mom blacked out at church. She's in

the hospital. Here's the number. Call
her. Oh, man, you're kidding.

Hello,

Mom? It's Drew. Are you all right?

Wow.

Well... I'm sure the test will turn out
fine.

Listen, while I got you on the phone,
can you dial 5550713 and tell Amy I'm

wearing my one -piece?