Original subtitles

Man, I can't thank you enough, Bill. I know how crowded all the carpools are. I

really appreciate you squeezing me in.

So, uh, I guess I'm your first stop, huh?

Nope, you're it.

Really? Just me?

Yeah, just you and me.

Bill! Buddy!

Ah, excuse me. Probably the wife.

Yeah, honey.

Because it's always you.

Look at all this room, man.

I could probably lay down.

Oh. Well.

Time for my sit -up.

Yeah,

tight.

What do you want me to do? Turn around now and come home?

Well, then get a job.

Do something with your life instead of laying around feeling sorry for

Hey, let's play auto bingo.

Sign, a bus, a billboard, a mailman.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

How about if I kill myself, huh?

You can do it, Doris. I'm behind the wheel.

Say the word.

Ambulance, a policeman.

All right.

All right, then.

Yeah, just go back to bed.

Yeah. I love you, too.

All right, bye.

No problem at home?

Same thing every morning.

Boy, if I didn't have a girlfriend on the side, I would kill myself.

I'm still here.

So, does baby have passenger side airbags?

You know, you buy a house from someone, you expect the furnace to be in good

working order.

I have half a mind to drag those con artists back from Florida and make them

this. Oh, is that where your folks are now? Yeah.

this global warming I've been hearing so much about.

Hey, screw the grandkids. I'm cold now.

I need some heat today, damn it.

Hey, Lewis, any good news?

Yeah, I found this really neat oily stuff to play with.

Drew, your furnace is dead.

Oh, man.

Coming.

Gee, I hope it's somebody who's on fire.

Oh, hey, Kate.

Hey, Drew.

Wow, it's freezing in here.

Yeah, well, the furnace broke.

Oh, so I guess a snake couldn't live in a house this cold, huh?

Gee, what's in the box?

Is it a puppy?

No, but you could eat a puppy.

It's Barry's python.

You want it?

No, I just gave a big box to Goodwill.

What went wrong with Barry's snake?

Why didn't you just take it with him when you threw him out of the house?

He hasn't taken any of his things. And I just don't want this slimy, creepy, rat

-eating thing in my house anymore.

You're running a warehouse.

Have you talked to him about this? A few times.

Hey, sneaky, sneaky.

Roll over.

Come on, boy.

Roll over. Lewis, Lewis, it's not going to work.

Good boy!

Oops, I got to go.

Hey, Oswald, if you're going to stick around the house, find a furnace repair

guy, would you, buddy?

I'll pay you twice what you get for laying on the couch.

I'd be glad to.

Although today is the anniversary of my grandfather's death, I was going to go

to church.

Oh, I'm sorry, man. I didn't know. That's much more important.

Gotcha.

Oh, man. I just got it the way I liked it. I don't have to do it all over

Okay, let's go.

Morning, Angie.

Mimi?

So, did you see that game last night? Man, finally, it's everyone else's team

that sucks.

Have you seen the teams playing that are in last place? They don't even care

anymore. They run out to the field. Hey, man, can I borrow your glove?

Long fly ball to right field.

Oh, God, I can't believe it.

Say, hey, Willie.

Mr. Bell wants you to send this out for general distribution right away.

See here.

What? Only one person will call a day. That's totally unfair.

Blame your little friend, Kate.

Some guy she broke up with has been calling her like 20, 30 times a day.

wasting a lot of people's time.

Was this your idea?

Maybe. Has anyone ever tested your makeup for lead?

You know, Mr. Carey, and I'm not speaking as your boss's personal

but as your enemy, bite me.

Yeah, one of these days I'm going to bite you and I'm going to get very, very

sick.

Hello, Lashandra. Can you send Kate O 'Brien from Cosmetics up here, please?

Thank you.

If it helps, here is your daily cartoon facts.

Oh, man. Who keeps sending me these things? They're not even funny.

Hey, this is great.

It's a caterpillar, see?

He's trying to make it with his crinkle -cut french fry.

See? Hey, cut it out. I'm a french fry.

It's hilarious.

Here, I'll tell you what. Why don't you put this at the bottom of this stupid

memo? Maybe it'll cheer people up. You know, like putting a smiley face on a

subpoena.

Hey, Angie. Hey, handsome.

Don't you hey Angie me.

Why didn't you tell me that Barry was bothering you at work?

Because I wanted to handle it myself.

I can't believe anyone bothered you with this.

Bothered me?

I have to send out a memo limiting personal phone calls for the entire

I mean, you've got to put a stop to this.

Okay, that's it. I'm calling Barry right now.

You know, uh...

This will have to be your one personal call.

Barry, it's Kate.

Oh, shut up. I shouldn't bother you at work.

Look, you can't keep calling me anymore.

It's over.

No, I want you to pick up your stuff, and if you don't stop this, I'm getting

nuisance warrant.

Is that a threat?

Oh, aren't you a big man? Give me that phone.

Listen, Barry, if Kate says it's over, it's over. Now get your stuff out of her

house by tomorrow night, and if you ever threaten her again, you're in big

trouble, mister.

Yeah, never mind who this is.

Yes, Mr. Bell.

I'm afraid we have a problem, Gary.

If it's about the employee phone you searched, it's already been taken care

Yes, actually, I was calling about the cartoon you put on the memo. Very

amusing.

Thank you, sir.

You know, I have another one with a turtle and an army helmet. It's a whole

different thing.

Totally unfair.

I mean, it was just a harmless, stupid little memo. I was just trying to boost

employee morale.

You know, don't be offended by that.

Someone who considers it sexually explicit material, and I'm afraid she

remain anonymous.

She?

Yeah.

Look, this is totally unfair.

Can I just talk to her? Maybe I can explain a little... Okay, who's the rat?

Oh, of course.

So, uh...

You funny little, sunny little Mimi.

How'd you like that cartoon I put on this morning's memo, huh? Did you like

I loved it.

I put it on my file cabinet.

So you didn't bust me on it with Mr. Bell?

You could bust it on that little cartoon.

It's beautiful.

Hey, I'm not in enough trouble with Mr. Bell. I'm hanging by a thread here.

Well, then you better be nice to me, or I won't tell you that when you hung up,

Mr. Bell said he wanted to see you in his office right away.

What? Why don't you tell me?

You got me there.

You big sack of... I wrote

a new memo. Tell me what you think.

To all employees, from Drew Carey, assistant director of personnel, as of

tomorrow, all employees will be requested to bring their sense of humor

This replaces the current practice of shoving a stick up your butt.

Thank you.

It's very healthy. You can let it go, Drew.

man are you whacked out of course I'm whacked out why does one uptight person

get to ruin it for everybody else a lot of people in the office love that

cartoon hey Drew love the cartoon hey I had french fries at lunch I thought of

you buddy Drew I loved your cartoon I can walk again hey Drew Oswald

hey Lewis how you doing space cadet it's fine you stupid fat slob biker dude

State your business, Jules, or I'm calling the ATF.

We need a small favor, Drew. We gave your name as a job reference.

Oh, man. All right.

What do I hire you for?

Interior decorator.

I've worked for you for ten years.

I'm currently making $75 ,000 a year.

Yeah. I love what you do with your outhouse.

Oh, one other thing. Would you mind answering your phone, Drew Corp, for a

while?

Boy, I thought faxing you those cartoons would put you in a better mood.

What? That was you?

Don't thank me, Drew. I'm just being a good neighbor.

You know, you have neighbors on the other side, too.

Well, yeah, but they don't like us.

No, no, don't anyone help me with this incredibly heavy box, thank you.

Hey, she was talking to you.

I'm sorry.

What you got there, Kate?

Barry's stuff.

There's been a small change in plans.

I told Barry to come here tomorrow night.

What?

I don't want him in my house again.

Yeah, you don't want him in your house because now he's mad and he's going to

start busting up stuff.

What if you forgot some of his things?

He's going to go nuts if you think you were stealing.

I'll see.

Did you get his leather jacket?

I always pictured myself in that. Hey, you're not getting anything.

I'm the one who treated you like crap and I deserve a few of the lousy things

kept.

He won't miss anything anyway.

Maybe his insulin.

Man, are you asking for trouble? You know he's just going to take it out and

ruin his house.

What if the guy goes berserk and breaks one of Drew's hummels?

Yeah, what if he breaks both my hummels?

Fifteen years of Winford Louders. Very impressive, Mary. No black marks, no

customer complaints. I'm sorry, Mr. Carey, but can you tell me exactly why

here? I'm just having a friendly little chat with all the associates, you know,

just to make sure that management doesn't become this anonymous authority

represented by a bunch of memos.

Like this one, for example.

Do you find this offensive, Mary?

Just asking.

Are we done?

Yeah.

Thanks for stopping by and just about the good work.

All right. It's not Mary?

True. Oh, I'll find her, Kate.

If I have to terrorize every nice little old lady in the store, I'll find her.

Since we're on the subject of insane, obsessive behavior, Barry called again.

Oh, great.

What did he say?

He can't live without me. He can't sleep. He's hearing voices.

I'm really sorry, Drew. I just wanted to prepare you for tonight.

How did I get myself into this?

Yeah, the better question is, how did you get me into this?

You know, sometimes I think you do this stuff to me on purpose.

Did you find this cartoon offensive?

I've seen your secret shelf.

I don't find anything offensive.

Kate.

Paycheck. Thanks.

Drew. Hey, you're the most popular person in the store, I'll bet.

Passing out the cash.

Hey, fellas, look who's here.

Feed me.

Hey,

you never guess what happened to me today.

No. What? Some uptight, humorless killjoy got me in trouble with Mr. Bell

hanging up this silly cartoon. She didn't even have the decency to tell me

face. Can you believe that?

Happens. Yeah, I guess.

So are you just going to leave it up like that?

Hell yes.

It's my right as a citizen of this great country to put up whatever stupid

garbage I want.

I look at the wall of my cubicle and I say, why not?

I was just thinking that someone might see it and be bothered by it.

Yeah, like who?

Nora.

Not you.

Look, I don't want to get into this.

That cartoon is offensive and hostile to women. I think you should take it down.

It's a caterpillar and a french fry.

Not to everyone.

You know, you could have just told me, Drew. I didn't appreciate this

hysterically funny cartoon.

So please don't send me any more of your selfless and inspirational attempts to

brighten my day.

You didn't have to go to Mr. Bell about it. I can do what I want. It's a free

country. Yeah, not with people like you around, it's not. Drew, Drew, please.

Nora, can we talk woman to woman?

Because I'm sensitive to the anguish you're feeling, my sister.

I've known Drew a long time, and I'm sure he didn't mean anything by this.

sure. Stick up for your friend. Everybody knows how you got this job.

Why shouldn't I stick up for him, you tight -lipped priss?

Next thing you know, you're going to sue him for creating a hostile workplace.

Uh, Kate? No, no. Let me finish.

Go ahead. Make a federal case out of it. You think anyone's going to care?

Oh, the caterpillar and the french fry are having sex.

Oh, I'm so ashamed.

You know what I think?

Don't say it, Kate. I think...

Oh, good. You found a nice way to put it.

I don't have to take this.

Well, that just about takes care of my job.

Don't worry, Drew. Who's going to sign with that loose cannon?

Oh, man, I can't believe it was Nora. I always thought she was one of those

quiet little people that never make any trouble.

It's always the quiet ones, Kate. Yeah.

Drew, you stupid idiot. You call any of these all backwards.

Unless it's the loud ones.

I just called Barry's and there's no answer, so he must be on his way over.

It'll probably be a while. Hard to find a place that sells ammo and beer.

Oh, I should have never agreed to this.

If it's Barry, we can pretend we're not here.

No, not that.

Drew Corp.

Jules Lavermont? Yeah, good man.

Oh, I like an interior decorator who has a little ledge.

Yeah, yeah, that was a salary.

Uh, yeah, I'd have paid him more, but, you know, I had that Appalachian family

finishing up my tea garden.

Yeah, no problem. Yeah, bye.

This is driving me nuts.

Oh, great. So we're both nuts.

Oh, relax, Kate.

I got a plan. I'm going to hold him up with my face until Oswald and Lewis get

here.

It's just I've been dreading this for months, and now that it's finally here,

just want to run out.

Oh, I hope that's the guys.

I can't hold my gun in much longer.

Kate?

Yeah, come in.

Barry.

Kate.

Haven't seen you in a while, Bear.

You're a lot bigger than I remember.

Your stuff's all here. Take it and go.

Can we talk about this?

Could you excuse us, Drew?

Yeah, I'd like to, Bear. I really would, but I don't think Kate wants me to.

Kate? There's nothing else to talk about. Anything you have to say, you can

in front of Drew.

I was a complete ass.

I'm begging you to come back.

You're really going to do this in front of me?

Cool.

Okay, can we talk outside?

I don't want to hear from you again.

What? Is there somebody else?

Yeah, there's two.

How good are you at getting sarcasm, Barry?

Quit playing with me. You've got to listen to me, damn it. Hey, I'm still

on the place, man. You don't come into some stranger's house and start slamming

stuff around.

I wish I had the personal self -restraint not to want to kill you right

know what I wish? I wish my friends were here to see you try.

Yeah, I really wish that a lot.

Leave so I can talk to Kate.

Oh, yeah, make me. You're not hearing me. No, you're not hearing me. I only

like the kind of guy who took crap from guys like you in high school.

Actually, I was a berserker in glasses who almost got myself killed a couple

times fighting any lunatic who came along.

I never took anything off anybody.

I especially don't take it now that my friends are finally here standing behind

me at the door. Would you guys fight?

You know you're going to come back to me eventually.

You know what?

You're pathetic.

We are so over that I don't even want to be reminded of you.

Here, this is yours.

You know, you don't want to be reminded of Kate.

You think about that.

Why don't you guys take Barry's boxes out to his truck?

I call shotgun.

Oh, we're not going anywhere, are we?

Holy crap.

You know what's almost just happened here?

I haven't had an adrenaline rush like that since I was 16.

Next time, pick somebody a little more stable, would you? Like a traveling

or a mercenary or something.

You were very cool, though. You remember Steven Scull and Under Siege?

Yeah.

Nothing like him, huh? Yeah.

Hey,

Kate. What do you think?

I think you're one step away from living in a car with messages painted all over

it.

It's our last shred of dignity, Kate.

It's the freedom of speech afforded us by the First Amendment, which will be

tacked up right over here with some candles and a small but tasteful weeping

willy doll.

He really pees.

Having fun, kids?

Hey, aren't you meanie love? I feel you.

Is someone here to see Drew?

Oh, you must be by 9 .30. I'm sorry. I just got carried away decorating my

office. Hey, it's okay.

Later, Drew.

Thanks again for last night.

Hey, you already got the job. Why don't you relax?

Thank you, Mimi.

You better hurry home. The sun's going down.

Wait a minute.

That doesn't make any sense.

Vampires don't die unless the sun comes up.

Have a seat.

What a resume you have here. What's the matter? Can't hold a job?

All right, that's who we have here.

Looks like the state of Ohio. What is this?

Actually, it's a lawsuit.

I'm a process server. You're being sued.

By who?

Should all be there on the first page.

Let the defendant be known by these... Nora O'Doherty?

Creating a hostile workplace?

Sorry.

Great cartoon.

Sexist pig.

You know that new woman you've been staring at in cosmetics?

She wanted me to give you her phone number.

Finally. Staring at a woman and not saying anything worked.

She's having a hot tub party tonight, and she wants you to call her right away

if you want to go.

Well, I don't know.

Where's the phone?

Don't use your one personal phone call. Your mom blacked out at church. She's in

the hospital. Here's the number. Call her. Oh, man, you're kidding.

Hello,

Mom? It's Drew. Are you all right?

Wow.

Well... I'm sure the test will turn out fine.

Listen, while I got you on the phone, can you dial 5550713 and tell Amy I'm

wearing my one -piece?

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0