Original subtitles

Susie, great. Thanks for coming by.

Please have a seat.

So how you been?

Fine. Yourself?

Oh, a little of this, a little of that.

Okay, Susie, this is never easy, but you're fine.

You're kidding me.

Well, you've been late for 22 out of the last 30 days.

Okay, there's an answer for that.

I hate to say anything bad about anyone, but the driver in my carpool is on

drugs.

Then there are the suspicious wastebasket fires that seem to follow

department to department.

Employees smoking.

I can give you names if you want them. How about constantly blaming others for

everything that you do wrong?

That's not my fault. That's your fault. You hired me.

Let me know if you need any references.

Have you discussed this with your boss?

No, I don't have to. This isn't Mr. Bell's job. This is my job. Now just

turn in your register key and leave the store. I can't find my register key.

I think someone stole it.

All right, that's good.

What brings you here, Mimi?

Oh, I guess it's your cloven hooves.

Oh, oh, I'm so hurt. You're really hurting me. Like I never heard that one

before.

Whoops.

Did I just overhear you firing Susie?

Well, I was firing her, but I was thinking of you the whole time.

Drew, play a little game with me. It'll be worth your time.

Oh, goody.

Charades. Okay.

I... I light it.

I light... Oh, I fire. I fired.

Your father. I fired your father.

Okay, Quasimodo, I get it.

Oh, Bell.

Oh, Bell! Mr. Bell! I fired Mr. Bell!

I fired Mr. Bell's what?

Hey,

uh, mind if I crack the window just a little bit? No, it's too cold out.

Oh, yeah, that'd be unhealthy.

What was I thinking?

Oh, I heard what you did today, Drew. Good for you.

Yeah, it's all over the store.

Firing Mr.

Bell's girlfriend.

Way to go, bonehead.

Hey, I did what had to be done. I don't care who you are or who you know. We

have standards in the store. If you don't meet the standards, you know,

out. Did you know she was his girlfriend?

Of course I knew. I know everything that goes on in the store.

I'm, uh, I'm back.

So how come you didn't fire any of his other girlfriends?

How many were there?

Oh, there have been dozens.

I barely escaped myself.

This is just one of many. He probably won't even miss her.

No, apparently he and Susie were getting pretty serious. He even agreed to do it

with her in bridal wear.

Hey, Drew.

What you doing?

I'm putting up a clothing partition between our homes.

Whoa, nice shirt.

Little lady'd love to see me in this.

Can I buy it?

No, go to the store and buy your own shirt, Jules.

shirts like this in stores.

I'll give you five bucks.

Drew, Jules.

Kate, Drew won't sell me this shirt.

Drew, sell him the shirt. You have lots of shirts.

Am I crazy?

Just because someone leaves something outside, that means it's for sale?

Oh, look. It's the Washington Monument. That'll look great in my front yard.

Just give him a couple of bucks.

What? You got all these shirts and I got nothing.

Get the hell out of my yard, Jules.

Oh, it's like that now.

Great. Now I can't leave them out here.

As long as you're taking those down. Can I use this line to hang up my

starships?

What are you, putting stuff everywhere?

I'm already regretting letting you use my house for that sci -fi party.

Drew, you don't even know what a sci -fi party is.

I've been to lots of those.

Well, you know, a few times. That one in college.

Okay, never been.

So, uh, who goes to these kind of things anyway?

Well, most of them are checkers like Lewis and me. And some of them are a

weird, but they're cool.

Plus, there's always a few Star Wars and Babylon 5 fans.

Like, that stuff is real.

You going to the party, Oswald? Nah, I got a little stardate of my own.

Captain's log.

Aroused.

You're not planning on taking her back to the apartment, are you? Yeah, why do

you have to mess up our apartment? Can't you just disappoint her over at her

place?

I may not be good, but at least I'm fast.

Nice. By the time she realizes how bad you are, you're out of there.

Drew,

if I tell you something, do you promise not to say it's stupid?

Okay. We can talk about anything you want as long as it's not about work.

Okay.

At work...

Think about me pitching Mr. Bell a day spa. You know, women come in, get

facials, manicures, that sort of thing.

Hey, that's a great idea.

Thanks. I'm glad you like it. You know, I don't want to spend my whole life

selling lipstick.

And I really think this could be my big break. Would you help me pitch to Mr.

Bell? Yeah, well, you might want to wait a couple days on that.

I just heard around the office that some dork with black glasses and a death

wish fired his girlfriend.

Oh, my God, you're kidding. Why would you do that?

Well, you know, I haven't woken up in a cold sweat in weeks, so I thought, hey,

why not fire the boss's girlfriend?

I don't know if it was his girlfriend. There was a breakdown in office gossip.

Is there no grapevine?

Well, who was it?

Tell me. Oh, I know. It's the woman who's always drinking on the job in

Someone's drinking in shoes? Oh, no. I got it. It's that woman who always spits

in the perfume testers before she sprays people.

Yes, right?

Oh, use those testers. Oh, I know. It's that woman who's always trying cartoons

of you that make you look ugly and stupid.

Yeah, yeah, that's the one. What was her name again?

Forget it.

People really enjoy those cartoons.

Drew, what?

That was Susie in sportswear.

These people should wear signs around their necks. Don't fire me. I'm doing

boss.

Maybe he'll find someone else.

Yeah, but who?

Oh, I know. Maybe that woman who does those really funny cartoons.

What was her name again?

Well, she signs your work, so you can check the ladies' room.

Oh, yeah? Which one?

All of them.

Which floor?

All of them.

Actually, my favorite's on the third floor. It's inside the bowl.

It's not why I was in there. I'm not a pervert. I'm an art lover.

I'm flattering naked drawings of myself.

Mimi, help me out here.

He's a pervert.

Hey, do I bother you when you go into the men's room to use the urinals?

Those cartoons aren't so realistic.

I don't have flies hanging around my butt.

It's not that funny, Kate.

That's not what I'm smiling at. Mr. Bell loves my spy idea.

You pitched it. Congratulations.

Yes, Mr. Bell. I understand you let go of an employee yesterday, Gary.

Maybe, maybe not. How can I help you? Apparently rumors circulating that...

Absolutely, sir.

Then there's no truth to that rumor, is there, Mr. Bell? Do I pry into your

business? Do I ever ask you why you keep those catalogs in the middle drawer on

the left -hand side of your desk?

You know, Mr. Bell, I'll be happy to rehire Susie, sir.

No, no, no. I don't want to make a big public spectacle. I'm sure you did the

right thing.

I knew you'd feel that way, sir, so I guess it's okay to fire your nephew in

housewares.

No, sir, just making a little joke. Had to see my face for that one.

Well, I've got you. Your friend Kate has a wonderful idea for cosmetics.

I think we should all sit down and talk about it.

Great. When do you want to sit? Why don't we do something different?

Where do you people go for drinks?

Drinks follow, you know, the Warsaw, but I don't know. Warsaw sounds fine.

Excuse me.

Hey, how are you?

Hey, nice costume.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I think I stepped on your tendril.

You might want to have that looked at.

Permission to enter.

Granted.

Excuse me, I hope you don't mind me saying that you've got your phaser set

stunning.

First sci -fi party, huh?

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were here with something.

Hey, Drew, are you ready to go? Yeah, but you're not going dressed like that,

are you?

Dressed like this? Have you looked around the room?

I'm trying to protect you here.

If Bell hits on you and you turn him down, he's going to make me fire you.

I'm a big girl. Besides, if he was going to hit on me, why would he invite you

along? Three words.

Mr. Bell sandwich.

Here's a news flash for you. Mr. Bell may be more interested in you than in

ideas. Oh, come on.

Kate, I want to tell you something about men that only your best friend would

tell you.

Guys will listen to anything if they think it will help them score.

I mean, guys will pretend to be interested in art, literature, history,

politics, romance.

So you mean to tell me that no guy has ever been interested in anything I've

ever said?

I'm sorry.

This is so sad, Drew. You don't think I see what's going on? Bell loves my idea

and you're just jealous.

Jealous, please.

I could have Bell in a second if I wanted him.

Let's just keep the conversation on business and we'll try to get through

without a disaster. Fine.

you had a date.

Ah, she canceled and so did their DJ, so I thought I'd pick up a few bucks

spending records for the freaks.

Nice costume.

Who cares? It cost me 75 cents.

Great. We can just about break even on the gig.

Sorry you guys can't stay for the party.

Yeah, well, maybe I'll find a rip in the space -time continuum and I'll be right

back.

Oh, look. Here I come now.

masculine version of my mother.

Over here.

Mr. Bell.

See, you made it okay. Hope we weren't thrown off by that best westerner to

block up.

Gee, I hope we didn't keep you waiting.

No, no, no. I had a time to get a few drinks.

A couple of beers.

So, day spa.

Let's talk.

Relax, Gary.

Let's take some time to get to know each other.

So, Kate, tell me about yourself. Where'd you grow up?

Well, I've lived in Cleveland my whole life.

Boy, I can remember her in elementary school.

Spa, spa, spa.

All right, all right. Let's make Drew happy and talk about this day spa.

What's your angle, Kate?

Well, I see it this way.

We already have the women in there buying makeup, and it seems to me they

buy a lot more in a comfortable, more relaxing, therapeutic environment.

Mr. Bell? Now keep going. I'm with you.

Help me.

I come on too strong?

No, sir. I think that Grammy just couldn't say no to gravy.

So naive, Gary. So young.

What are you, 50?

Actually, sir, I'm in my 30s. Come on. That's the booze talking.

Gary, you gotta talk to Kate.

Tell her what a good guy I am. You're a friend.

She'll believe you.

Make her go out with me. I don't

To tell you the truth, sir, I'm not all that comfortable mixing my personal life

with my business life. You know, I was actually doing pretty well mixing my

personal life with my business life, but then the woman I was seeing was fired

by some idiot.

Follow me, Gary?

Yes, sir, and I'll update the idiot later.

Come on, sing with me, Gary.

I don't know the words to that one, sir. Oh, you know the words. Come on, sing!

number that you'll ever do.

Two can be as sad as one. It's the loneliest number since the number one.

What

happened?

Drew, I can explain. Some people came... What's this?

Did the Ferengis invade Klingon airspace and start an interplanetary war?

No, we ran out of beer and the freaks went wild.

I tried to stop him, buddy. Look, I'm really sorry about the house. Hey, he

up a good fight, though. Hey, I gave one guy three black eyes.

That's it. No more of your weird parties at my place.

And somebody go chop up that pod with the black glasses in the backyard.

It's giving me the creeps.

Drew, what happened with you and Bill? What took you so long?

There's an awful lot of songs about loneliness, Kate.

Boy, did he want to hit on you.

You put me in this position, if he still had his girlfriend, he wouldn't be

going after me.

Oh, yeah? Well, if Fraz could fly, well, we'd solve this problem. But wouldn't

it be cool?

Look, we're both in trouble here. If we don't do something, we're both going to

get fired.

This sucks.

You know, for once I thought I was being taken seriously and it ends up being

the same old crap.

You shouldn't have to sleep with someone just to get them to listen to your

ideas. I've done that.

And you know what? It only works like, I don't know, 50 % of the time.

Well, I think it stinks.

I think anybody who does that is a creep. You know what Bell wanted me to

wanted me to get you to date him.

Which would be totally out of the question, right?

Yeah, I know.

How dare he?

Gosh,

Mimi, it's not like you to destroy food.

I don't know what you did to upset me.

He told me to tell you that until you supply him with what he requested the

other night, he wants you to go through all the employee evaluations and check

for punctuation.

Oh, man.

Most of these people don't even work here anymore.

Work here anymore? Most of them are dead.

Oh, on a personal note, Drew, I realize you're going through a difficult time

here, and I just want to let you know that you are alone.

stuck behind the Amish.

We've all been there.

Boy, am I glad to see you, Susie. Please, have a seat.

So, I guess you discovered the truth about all those incidents you were

on me? Oh, that truth is such a gray area.

The fact is, we just missed your bright face walking in here at, oh, whatever

time you felt like it in the morning.

So, how'd you like to come back to Winford Louder?

Can I be Employee of the Month?

Well, actually, that's floated on by all the... Oh, sure, okay.

a handicapped Parkinson's phone?

Well, okay.

How much can Mrs. Henderson's oxygen tank weigh anyway?

Let her dog carry it.

And you might want to go see Mr. Bell right now to let him know you're here.

Hey, everybody. There goes the handicapped employee of the month.

I've got great news.

So do I. Well, let me go first.

No, let me... Well, pick a number between one and ten. Oh, six.

Damn. I've got to get a new number.

I just talked to Mr. Bell.

What? You should have seen me. I was on fire.

I went in there, and I told him that I would be happy to work hard for him, but

if he's looking for anything more than that, he'll have to look elsewhere.

How brave of you.

Where are you going to work next?

At the day spa.

You went for your idea?

That's right. I told him to look me in the eye, and he still wanted to look at

my chest, so I met him halfway, and I pitched it with him looking somewhere

around my neck.

I am really proud of you, Kate.

One day, Mr. Bell's going to look you right in the chin and say, welcome to

management.

Yes, Mr. Bell. Oh, I'm glad I caught you, Carrie.

Oh, hi, Jerry.

Kate, you're there. Good.

I found just the person to run the day spa.

Susie Clark.

Susie, but she was fired.

Carrie just hired her back.

Good thinking, Carrie.

Uh, thank you, sir.

But what about me?

Hey, don't worry.

We'll get you a free day.

Well, I ended there. Did you know that tonight is karaoke night at the Warsaw?

Actually, every Monday night is karaoke night at the Warsaw.

Wonderful. I'll meet you at 7 .30 then, Carrie, and keep your Mondays open.

You know, if Mr. Bell was still after you and you just found out that I

Susie, you would love me so much right now.

But I do love you.

And I appreciate what you tried to do.

And now...

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