Original subtitles

Oh, it's from Drew.

It's a PBS tote bag.

Oh, nice, Drew. You get that free for the minimum donation.

No, you get that when you buy the watch.

Hey, I got the three tenors.

I don't know what was in there. Give me that.

I mean, uh, congratulations.

This one got separated from the gift. I'm still looking for it. It's from

Well... Wherever it is, thanks, Kate. My pleasure. Congratulations.

Yay.

What did you get her?

A card with a piece of wrapping paper taped to the back.

Wow.

Next office party, I'm going in on a gift with you.

Hey, it's my fifth wedding shower this month for someone I barely know.

Where's the party for single people?

Just once, I'd like to blow out the candles on a yes, I'm not pregnant cake.

Easy, Kate. I don't want to save some of that bitterness for your 40s.

Q, can I talk to you? I was just going.

Kate, you know, I could never find that gift you gave me for my baby shower.

Oh, it was that thing they jump.

You know, walk, run, eat in. The toy.

Oh, right.

Thanks.

So what, buddy? How you doing? You gotta fire me.

What? Look.

My wife's expecting any day now, and I'd love to spend some time with her and

the baby. We both know I'm not going anywhere with this job. I mean, how long

can a guy stay in women's shoes?

Ha, ha, ha.

Anyway, the only way I could afford to do this is by collecting unemployment.

That'd be great. You could show up for your kid's career day with a beer and a

TV guy.

Hey, if I still had paternity leave, I wouldn't have to ask you for this.

So what do you say?

There's rules, man. I could get in trouble for this. I just can't go firing

people willy -nilly.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. You're fired.

How about if I had a bad attitude?

Hey, the heck with you, buddy.

Oh, man.

Look, I'll fire you for the kid.

What if I just put down, uh, I don't know, incompetence? Thanks.

When did you have long hair?

My mother.

Watch it, pal. You're this close to getting your job back.

Congratulations, Ed.

You're fired.

Fired. All right. What do I tell my wife?

Wait, there's more.

You only got six months to live.

Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight.

Guide her to people underneath your silvery light.

We're going bowling, so don't lose her in Solon.

That's the way, uh -huh, uh, woo, I like it, uh -huh, uh -huh. That's the way,

uh -huh, uh -huh, woo, I like it, uh -huh, uh -huh. Wow, fuzzy jello.

Do a little dance, uh -uh, make a little love, uh -uh, get down tonight, uh -uh,

get down tonight. Oh, do a little dance, uh -uh, make a little love, uh -uh, get

down tonight, uh -uh, get down tonight.

flush you down a toilet 30 years ago?

What did you do, buddy?

I believe this belongs to you.

Oh, man.

Harley. Harley.

Go home.

Home.

Harley. Home.

Man, is he stubborn.

This is the third time this week. You said you were going to get a cage for

You know, Drew, we try to be good neighbors.

That's just asking for lizards.

I'm sorry, Jules. I'll keep that in mind.

Whatever happened to normal pets like hamsters and bats?

cock movie this damn house.

So, what do you guys want to see tonight?

Anything but romance or Pauly Shore.

I don't get it. What's wrong with romance?

Nothing's wrong with romance.

I'll see a romantic movie as long as there's blood and everybody gets blood

at the end.

Let's see, we got a couple choices here then.

Headless in Seattle or The Way We Were Before You Blew Us Up.

stop thinking about that party this morning.

Most of the girls I went to school with, they're either married or getting

married, and I guess it's starting to kind of bug me.

Most of the guys I went to school with are either fat or getting fat. You don't

see me crying about it.

Carry on.

I don't think there's any special age you have to get married. I mean, I think

it's when you meet the right person.

Please, I don't need a husband.

I just want a wedding.

I don't want a husband either.

I just want someone to appreciate how hard I work around this house. Oh,

Get it. When I was a little girl, I saw myself getting married in a big church

filled with beautiful flowers, wearing a white wedding dress.

And I saw myself at the altar next to David Cassidy.

Kate, don't worry about it. I mean, look at the Bride of Frankenstein. She got

married after she was dead.

There's still hope for you.

You know what?

You're right. Here I am...

sitting with my friends, feeling sorry for myself.

I could do this at home. Sure. Bye.

Hey, Kate.

Hey, uh, you sure you're okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Boy, she's really out of her mind with this whole wedding thing.

I mean, I want to get married.

In theory.

You know, we all want to get married in a perfect world.

Marriage is great.

Hypothetically.

We're all scared, kid.

Anybody who says different's a damn liar.

Stop that. You're freaking me out.

We're talking about Kate here.

Oh, she's just freaked out about the ceremony.

I don't even think about the ceremony.

Except when I was dating Jackie, we did actually talk about getting married in

the flower garden in her parents' backyard.

And then, you know, later on when we could afford it, we'd have a real

in Vegas.

You know, Elvis impersonated her.

The whole shebang.

Between you and Kate, you two should get married.

Hey, you know, when I was in college, there was this fraternity that used to

this shotgun wedding party every spring. Man, I'm telling you, it was huge.

It was like a big gag ceremony.

Kate would be the center of attention. Boy, she'd love it. It's perfect. I

really cheer Kate right up.

Okay, all we need is a wedding dress, some handcuffs, and some flowers.

Hey, I got all that stuff in my trunk.

And Drew is the lucky groom. You get to provide your own tux.

Oh, man, maybe I could fit it in my prom tux.

I'd like to wear it once.

Hi,

Mimi. Hi, Pig.

Don't tell me. Baby pictures.

Hey, can't get enough of those because, you know, babies look so different.

No pictures, Drew. I got a problem.

Well, you know, if you're having trouble coming up with a name, I did fire you,

you know. I never gave him a name. Chan.

After the guy my wife had an affair with.

What? The baby's Chinese.

And your wife isn't? Are you kidding? She won't even eat man -turned -oranges.

I'd love to help you, but I put my butt on the line for you the first time. I

just can't go back there and undo it.

Fine, Mr. Rules Guy. If you need me, I'll be living in a cardboard box.

If I'm not there, try the gun shop.

After that, just watch the news.

Oh, hey, wait a minute.

I'll see what I can do. No promises, okay, but I'll... Look, I spend a lot of

time talking to my employees about their problems, and what happened to you

isn't so out of the ordinary.

I mean, sure, you gave up a job you didn't have to, and your wife had

else's baby.

Well, we'll see you around, buddy.

Where's Kate?

Man, this is going to be great. She's in the bridal department putting on the

dress. She thinks I'm driving her to a catalog photo shoot.

How'd you get the dress?

Same way I got the big screen TV from when Saved by the Bell went to France.

I bought it and I'm taking it back tomorrow.

Oh, hello.

Dive, dive.

Get out, babe.

I'm so lucky that mom got sick.

So I'll teach her to eat twice in one day.

Boy, am I glad I didn't tell you guys I wanted a baby.

What are you looking at? You ever saw a bride in handcuffs walk down the aisle

of the Polka Music before? Where the hell have you been?

Hey, look at me, I'm getting married.

Before we begin, one quick announcement. The happy couple has made their

selections in the Warsaw Tavern Bridal Registry. Nothing in cans, bottles only.

Also, if anyone's interested in an 84 Ford Escort, see me after.

Padre, thank you.

Marriage, the final frontier.

not only to witness the humiliation of our friend Kate, but hopefully sell a

car. And who knows, maybe a used snowblower.

Fifty bucks, queen.

Drew Carey, are you prepared to enter into the state of holy acrimony with

O 'Brien?

To drink with her? To cleave to her?

To boldly go where at least 20 or 30 men have gone before?

Are you prepared to wed Drew?

To bed Drew?

To boldly go where no woman has gone willingly without the promise of a free

dinner or cold hard cash?

I got worse.

20 or 30 guys.

Will you please take Drew as is, no refunds, all sales final, store credit

receipt only?

Do you have anything of my size?

Is there any reason why these two should not be joined together?

Well,

since there are no objections, I'd like to remind the bride before we take the

handcuffs off that we only did this to make her happy, and it was all Drew's

idea. With that said, I now pronounce you drunk and disorderly.

Never have too many of these.

Hey, honey, a little something for the death.

Oh, you're a lucky man, Drew Carey. You really picked yourself a winner there.

Yep, Kate cleans up pretty good.

How do you think Kate's not married, for real?

Because she dates losers.

She's demanding.

She's bossy.

She hits.

I guess.

You ever wonder why one of us never marries Kate?

Maybe like marrying your sister. Hey.

Some countries, they do that.

I always thought we were saving her, you know, just in case.

It's kind of weird, though, that none of us ever dated her, especially you,

Drew.

I guess I was too busy fantasizing about Oswald's mom.

Yeah, your mom was hot. Shut up.

Jazzercising in her little disco shorts.

Yeah, well, maybe I watch your mom, too, in her big polyester pantsuit, mowing

the lawn.

Well, I guess that's... the reason why we never dated Kate. How about you?

She knew me too well.

But I did carry her eighth grade picture around with me on my wallet.

I told everybody she was my girlfriend.

It was kind of sweet back then, but now I get the weirdest looks.

I had that picture with the lip gloss, the mouth slightly parted.

Eighth grade was a good year for Kate.

You

know

why none of us ever dated Kate?

No. Because she never... show the slightest romantic interest in any of

don't know. I kissed her once.

What? I did. Grade six.

She had mono and she dared me.

Still counts.

I, uh... I saw Kate naked once.

Get out of here.

How much did a thing like that cost you?

Nothing. She was 16.

16?

Yeah, we were up in her house, up in her bedroom, and bam, she changed right in

front of me. Wow.

I have a theory.

Is she real hairy?

Well, she wasn't then. The point is, she changed in front of me like I wasn't

even there.

That's when I realized she didn't even see me as a guy. Ah, that's got to hurt.

Yeah, sorry, man.

Do that at Grandpa's funeral.

Why'd you guys do all this anyway?

Well, you know, he seemed kind of depressed about having a wedding and

we figured a little public humiliation is just what the doctor ordered.

You're the best.

Are we really going to Morton's? I can't wait to walk in looking like this.

Yeah, hope I don't clash with the maitre d's hair.

Yeah, listen, um, us Walden Lewis were kind of wondering why you never got

serious with either of them. Or, you know, any of us, really.

Are you kidding?

I totally would have. I just didn't want to compete with Oswald's mom.

She had the serious hots for you and Lewis.

You did?

Oh, my God, we were just talking about... Oh, you're kidding.

So, did any of you, you know, ever have a little

crush on me?

Maybe, you know, when we were teenagers.

And? And then we discovered my brother's magazines and you became obsolete.

Come on.

We practically hung out together all the time. You practically lived at my

house. Yeah, maybe a little more than I should have.

What do you mean?

Well, you know, there was that time you changed your clothes right in front of

me.

I did what?

We were 16 and you changed right in front of me like I was the chair.

And I walked home crying.

No, no, don't feel bad.

Then I wrote you a little letter, which I accidentally mailed to my grandma.

She wrote me back saying that she loved me too, you know, but not in that way.

Drew, I'm so sorry.

Wow, you actually thought about me like that.

That's so weird.

Oh, I don't know. I don't think it would have been, you know, so bad if we'd

actually done this. You know, gotten together.

Oh, my God.

I've got hives.

Oh, my God. You're covered with... Driver, take us to Metro General right

Hey, out of the way. We've got a sick woman here.

Hey,

Drew. I heard you got married last night. Oh, no, not really. It was just

I don't mind not being invited.

I'm just glad a guy like you could find somebody.

Here.

Hey, thanks.

I'll invite you to the next one. Shouldn't be too long. I gave the bright

Just a piece of the merit stick. You know, we're still looking for a toaster.

Oh, Drew.

What? I think I can help you with hiring Ed back.

There's an opening in sportswear.

No, there isn't. There will be once you fire Leslie.

Leslie, who just had the wedding shower?

She's on her honeymoon.

Courtesy of Winford Louder. We caught her on camera stealing cash and a bikini

that I could use as an eye patch.

Great, all you need is a hook hand and a peg leg, the outfit will be complete.

Here's the number of her hotel in Maui.

Oh, man, I hate to ruin somebody's honeymoon.

Then don't get married.

Drew?

Drew, we've got to talk about my hives. I know, I...

I feel terrible.

Oh, God, Drew, you knew. Why didn't you tell me?

It just came out.

It's not what you think.

What I think? What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

Formaldehyde. They found formaldehyde on this dress.

You know the stores will take anything back policy?

No, I'm using it to trade whatever this piece of crap is in for a toaster. Drew,

someone bought that dress before you and used it in a funeral.

Oh, my God, that's horrible.

Then they sick and perverse ceremony someone who would put a wedding dress on

corpse has and returned it.

Drew, the dress came back from the dead.

Well, you know, it's not like she wore it out.

Hello? Person who wore the death dress got hives from it here.

I'm sorry. I'm so relieved.

You'll never guess what I thought gave you the hives.

What?

I thought it was from what I said to you in the limo. You know, about us getting

together. I didn't really mean what you thought I meant.

That's not what I thought you meant.

It just kind of came out, you know. I'm not... It's not like I've been waiting

for you my whole life.

I'm just waiting for that one great love I haven't found.

Yet. Yet.

Drew, I should be so lucky to marry someone like you.

But not you.

I should be so lucky as to marry someone like Anna Nicole Smith.

You know, but her.

So, uh, you never have to talk about this again?

I hope not.

Good, because I'm starting to itch.

Now, uh, why don't you go do whatever you undead do?

I'm going to make a phone call.

Later.

Hello, Maui Sweets.

Well, mahalo to you, too.

Listen, I'd like to leave a message for Miss Leslie Burke.

You got a pen ready?

Good.

Dear Leslie, they say that vacations end too soon.

Well, good news.

Want to play a little Jeopardy?

Winner gets to eat the loser.

Man, would you look at these categories?

Flies, prehistoric history, protective coloring.

No. You can't use my computer.

I don't want to make out.