All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s01e02 Miss Right

S -A -T -U -R -D -A -Y. Night.

S -A -T -U -R -D -A -Y.

Night. Drew?

Back here, Kate.

No more blind dates.

This guy's a lawyer, right? He uses a
two -for -one coupon at dinner. I'm

supposed to order something the same
price or less than soup?

Boy, an obnoxious lawyer?

What's next, a wacky weatherman?

Hey, I came over here for a little
sympathy.

Aww.

That's okay, Kate.

We'll play a little eight ball, have
some beer.

Next thing you know, you'll be drunk and
broke.

By the way, how did you know I'd be home
tonight?

Well, it's Saturday night.

I could have had a date.

It's just that I had that big saltpeter
sandwich for lunch and I wasn't in the

mood.

Hey, Kate.

Drew. Hey, Lois.

What are you doing here? Did you and Pam
have a fight?

No, no, we were just in the neighborhood
and she kicked me out of the car and

drove away.

Try to get her to wear that thing again?

Yeah.

Yeah, rack them up.

By the way, how did you know that I
would be home tonight?

Biblical prophecy.

You know, not everyone goes out on
Saturday night, you know.

Maybe I don't like crowds. Maybe Tuesday
morning's my big night out.

More beer with those pancakes, my dear?

Hey, you guys.

Hey. What are you doing in my garage?

I barred your car.

You barred my car? How did you know I
wouldn't need it?

It's Saturday night.

Did the pizza I ordered get here yet?

The pizza you ordered to my house? The
place where I might not be?

The guy who couldn't get a date if dates
were magnets and his butt was due

north?

You're right. We shouldn't assume you'll
be home. And even if you are, we

shouldn't assume that you want company.
Oh, well, thank you.

Come on, guys. Let's give Drew some
space. We'll go down to the Warsaw.

I'll explain a little something to
Lewis.

I told you women don't think those
things are sexy.

Hey, if it's not sexy, how come I had to
order it from Mexico, huh?

Saturday night, we're not coming back.

Yeah, one Saturday night, I might not
even be here.

Well, Drew, the sun's not going to
explode for another 955 million years.

Yeah, well, the Saturday night before
that, I'm going out.

Moon over Parma, bring my love to me
tonight.

Guide her to Cleveland underneath your
silvery light.

We're going bowling, so don't lose her
in Solon.

Moon over Parma tonight.

Hi, these are some interesting
mannequins you've done here.

Oh, look, a Christmas display.

Ah, blood.

Well, thanks for stopping by. Really a
pleasure.

Gosh, your skin is cold.

Try and get some sun, won't you?

Whoa.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Miss Mimi Bobeck, the woman
who almost got me fired.

Bite me, doughboy.

You know, you're a very forward person.

You can't just sit there. That's where
Mr. Bell's assistant sits.

All right, I'm just going to call
security.

Hello, Bill?

Is that you at the Grand Canyon?

Hold on a second, Bill.

Is that your parents?

You're doing a fine job, Bill. Just
calling to say, hey, Bill.

When did you get this job?

Yesterday. To keep me from going to the
Labor Relations Board, Mr. Bell hired me

as his personal assistant.

Oh, and this must be your dog.

Oh, he's a big fella, huh?

I guess it's true what they say about
dogs and their owners.

They look nothing alike.

Listen, pig.

No, we're friends now. Just call me
Drew.

From now on, your life's going to be
hell.

Not a day goes by that I don't try to
get you fired.

You're going to miss meetings, you're
going to lose memos.

Okay, friend.

Oh, by the way, this came for you.

You know, if you think you can just
waltz in here and threaten me, you don't

know what you're up against.

And next time, it won't be my envelope.

Mr. Carey?

I'm sorry, my father's Mr. Carey, I'm
Mrs. Carey.

Want to smile so I know you're kidding?

Hi.

I'm Lisa Robbins. I'm here for the
visual merchandiser position.

Oh, you mean window displays. Great.
Well, why don't you step into the

production module of the human resources
allocator.

Welcome aboard, Mimi.

And don't forget, Friday is crazy sock
day.

Let's see what we have here.

Blah, blah, blah.

Lies, lies, lies.

Wow, you worked at Antonio's? Yeah.

I was a waiter there like ten years ago.
Oh, hey, thanks for me.

Man, I love that Parma pizza. I ate it
morning, noon, and night.

Everybody hated me because I never
gained an out.

Everybody liked me.

Well, you seem to have done okay.

Hey, if you get promoted, do you get a
ceiling?

Actually, when I do get my next
promotion, I will get a real office.

I was just kidding around.

Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't share the
laugh and I was too uptight.

Oh, look at that.

Your whole head is blushing. That's so
cute.

May I see your portfolio?

You're not comfortable being taken
seriously as a man, are you?

No, no, no. I'm fine. If you want to
talk about me, talk about me.

Okay.

What's with the haircut?

Head lice? Any more about me?

Yeah, those glasses?

Whose interview is this?

Hey, I'm just making small talk. I do
that when I'm nervous.

What do you do?

Isn't it obvious?

You eat?

Shut up, I sweat.

Wait, why are you nervous?

Why are you nervous?

Uh -uh, I asked first.

No, you asked first.

Hey, uh, you know, these are really
good.

Thanks. Listen, uh...

Why don't you just fill out this
personality profile test and we'll talk

Okay. Here's the questions.

Here's the answers.

Oh, look.

Here's one that's already filled out.

She's got this great sense of humor.

She's easy to talk to. She's crude.
She's vulgar.

She hates all the same people I hate.
Love that. Perfect.

And as an added bonus, she can eat like
a pig and never gain an ounce.

Yeah, this is us, Walt and Beth.

Hey, Beth.

Where are you going, Beth?

See you later, Beth.

Are we sure her name's Beth?

What's with Beth?

You mean Claire?

She dumped me.

You're kidding. What happened?

I don't know. It's always the same
thing. Everything starts out fine, then

like, I don't think this is going to
work out. And I always tell them.

Of course it will. Trust me, I really
care about you.

Oh, man, Oswald.

What? Well, you're a great guy.

You're cute, you're generous, you wear
bad shoes, but that's not a crime.

But trust me, it'll work out.

I mean, some women may find your voice a
little insincere. Really?

Or it could be that your forehead takes
up two -thirds of your face.

Hi, how are you? Hi, how are you?

Well, we've lost a good friend in
Oswald, but we still have our beer, and

got a woman. Here, here.

No, I don't. Well, I'm drinking anyway.

Well, son, I'd love to go out with Lisa,
but I can't. I'm giving her the job,

and management shouldn't date regular
employees, no matter how close that

management is to having no discernible
power.

Man, it's lonely at the middle.

wondering, can you hear that okay?

Because I'm getting mostly vibrations
over in my place.

Sorry, sorry, Joe!

Turn that music down!

Old man Terry's over here to complain!

You know, normally I wouldn't say
anything, but you know, one of the

bought my folks' house is that the
neighborhood's kind of quiet.

Because, you know, after a long day, I
just like to unwind or read or

You were reading?

Yeah.

Are you going to school?

Can you just come out here and get baby?

It's okay. I live next door.

They see me every damn day.

Oh, that's enough, baby.

Hush.

Hi, Drew.

I just love you too, Tom.

Sorry about baby, Drew.

He's just a little excitable.

Aren't you, baby?

Who's mama's baby?

You're mama's baby.

At least until mama has a little baby of
her own.

How you been, Drew?

Busy. Very busy.

And sterile.

Drew! How's it hanging?

Sorry about the music. Buddy of mine
picked up a handful of CD systems at a

factory outlet store.

You want one?

Make that drive into work really sweet.

Well, thanks, but, you know, I carpool.

I'll even install it myself.

How's a hundred bucks in?

Well, it would double the value of my
car.

Dad's stereos are the best.

I only got 80 % of my hearing.

Yeah, but look on the bright side.

My dying testicle finally shook loose.

Well, as of 12 .09, I officially know
too much about you.

Shh.

Lisa's right over there.

I know. I met her.

So, what do you think?

Nice hiney.

Kate. Drew, listen to me. This is the
one time that... Hey, she's buying

something. That's my commission!

This is the one time. If you ignore
this, it will go away.

You think I don't know that?

But there's nothing I can do.

I understand.

Yeah, Drew.

Lisa's right over there.

Yeah, she looks real cute today. Hey,
Lisa.

Thanks, Kate.

Don't forget to call that number.

There's no such thing as a little crack
problem.

Hi, Lisa. Hey, Drew.

Boy, these mannequins just keep getting
better and better looking.

Wow.

She'd probably never talk to me.

Hey, could you hand me that bra?

You want the demi -cup, the underwire,
or the sport?

Demi -cup.

You seem to know your way around women's
underwear.

Well, I just have a general thirst for
knowledge.

You think this will work?

I think it's about to.

I've got to go.

Wait, um, are you busy tonight?

I thought maybe we could have dinner and
a movie.

I'd love to, but you know, the company
has rules against that kind of thing.

Oh, uh, maybe we could get together so
you could explain them to me.

Oh, what the heck.

It's not like it's a date.

Eight o 'clock tonight at the Warsaw.

It's right where the Gdansk used to be.

You'll know me by having met me
previously.

Wow, I'm doing pretty well.

I better leave.

Come here, come here.

Wait, there's something in your eye.

Oh, it's a twinkle.

Shut up.

Hey, Drew, I didn't expect to see you
here tonight. What's up?

What do you mean, what's up? How come
anything has to be up? Can't a guy just

walk into a bar? Is that illegal now?

No, but the way you smell should be.

Too much cologne?

Too much? You mean there was more?

Hi, Drew.

Hi, Lisa.

Uh, guys, this is Lisa. Lisa, this is
guys. Oh, hi. Oh, yeah, hi.

You must be the woman Drew isn't dating.

And since we're not dating, you don't
need to get to know them.

Come on. Okay.

Okay.

Look, I'm serious. This can't be a date,
okay? Okay. Not even the appearance of

a date.

Thanks.

What's that?

Perfect.

So, how are you two tonight?

Oh, good.

Great. I'll have a double chili
cheeseburger with everything.

extra onions, and you can take my
napkin, because I'm not going to be

tonight.

Ma 'am?

Let's see.

Okay.

Give me a couple of sloppy joes. Open
face with extra sauce. Give me a side of

sauerkraut, and I won't be needing this.

Should I bring plates, or should I just
throw the food on the floor?

It's your call.

So do you usually eat double chili
cheeseburgers when you're not on a date?

Yep, power food.

Kind of food just marches right down
your throat, you know.

Follow me, boys. We're going to the
heart.

What is that, lettuce? Get the hell out
of my way.

Oh, great.

What?

Some people from the store.

Oh, don't worry. They won't see us.

What if they do see us? We're talking
business.

Drew.

I like you.

Okay, so we're off business.

Look, isn't there any way we could see
each other?

I'm a director of personnel.

It'll look like I'm playing favorites.

If I date you, I'll have to date
everybody.

All right, well, promise me one thing.

What?

You'll think about it.

Oh, man.

Mimi.

Looking for me?

Hello, Mr. Carey. I think you know
everybody from work.

Jim, Sue.

Great to see you. How you doing?

Hey,

Kate.

So, how do I look?

Very Apollo 13.

Dashing astronaut or nerdy mission
control guy?

Space monkey?

You're trying to impress Lisa.

You're going for it!

Damn right I'm going for it.

I mean, people talk.

I'm doing this for all the right
reasons.

My conscience is clean.

Oh, and so is your neck. You shaved your
neck.

You are in love.

Oh, look at you, my little space monkey.

Look at you.

No. What is it?

Houston, we have a problem.

Jules! Hey, Jules, you up?

Hey, Jules!

Jules!

What's the hassle?

My dashboard is ripped out of my car.

I'm putting in your new stereo system.

You told me you carpooled in the
morning.

Yeah, well, I'm driving this morning.

That's the hassle, man.

You said you'd be done with that last
night.

Had to pick up my bees.

You have bees?

Ah, ah, ah, ah. Get your own.

But, uh, here.

You can take my ride.

My neighbor's truck.

Anybody here a Molly Hatchet fan?

ACDC? I went to hell.

Someone open the rear window, please.

Hey, how we doing back there?

Does anyone else hear that sound?

Sounds like bees.

Boy, you sure picked the wrong day to
wear that lilac perfume.

You call it a bee sting, you can barely
see it.

Drew, I can see it, and it's on my
forehead.

Well, LaShondra, can you send Lisa
Robbins up here right away, please?

It's a little early for a nooner, isn't
it?

I wait until 40 minutes after my meal.

Yes, Mr. Bell.

Carrie, you put me in an awkward
position here. This thing with you and

woman. It's all over the store.

Oh, man.

Listen, sir, I can explain. You don't
have to explain.

The point is, Carrie, it doesn't sit
well with the other employees.

I want this relationship terminated now.

Period. But, Mr. Bell... Period.

Well, in that case, sir, I don't know
what to tell you.

Looks like you're going to have to fire
me.

Really? Besides, the severance pay for
somebody with your seniority is

outrageous. It'd be cheaper to have you
killed.

Thank you, sir.

If anyone loses a job, it'll be this new
woman.

Handle it, Gary.

But that's not fair.

She just... Babe.

Sorry, Drew.

Well, now what am I supposed to tell
Lisa?

I'm sorry, but Mr. Bell won't let me go
out with you?

That I'm already married? To my job?

Hey, I'd like to meet my kids, Ulcer and
Big Chair Ass.

You know, Big Chair Ass is going to
college in the fall.

You called, boss?

What's up?

Please, uh, sit down.

Uh -oh.

It's that my wife just found out about
us boys.

Close. I just got reamed by Mr. Bell for
us going out last night.

Look.

I know that sounds crazy, and I know
we've only known each other a few days,

I'm willing to give up all of this.

Hey, it's only one wall short of a cube.

If you are willing to commit to a
lifelong relationship.

True. I know. That's the beauty of it.
It's the most irrational thing you've

ever heard anyone say.

Yeah, it is.

Wait, I want kids.

True.

I can't let you quit your job for me.
That's crazy.

Then I'll have the kids.

Look, I have childbearing hips.

Well, you really do have fantastic hips.

Really? Well, I always hoped.

Oh, come on.

We hardly know each other.

Oh, I can barely commit to one hair
color for more than a month.

Much less to you for the rest of my
life.

It's too much pressure, Drew, you know?

Yeah, I see.

In that case, I called you up here to
break it off.

Oh, God, no.

Don't go to pieces on me. Be strong.

So what do we do now? Go on with our
lives?

Date other people?

Yeah, well, I can, but you can't.

Hey.

That probably wouldn't have worked out
anyway.

Your face is too fat.

Yeah, well, your calves are too close to
your ankles.

Your ears aren't level.

Yeah, neither are your breasts.

Did I just say that out loud in the
office?

And you're not too smart either.

Oh, yeah, like it takes a genius to
figure that out.

Got her that time.

beautiful night.