All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s01e01 Pilot

And that's why the French don't wash.

Okay, boys.

Should we be having anything else?

I'll have what Brad Pitt's having.

Yeah, you find me Brad Pitt, I'll serve
it up.

Now let's talk about Brad Pitt.

Did you see it was People Magazine's
sexiest man alive this year? What does

mean? That John John Kennedy isn't so
sexy anymore?

I'm not so impressed with Brad Pitt. I
don't think he's even that good looking.

Doesn't matter what you think, Oswald.
He's bigger than us. It's People

Magazine. It's been decided.

Well, if you don't think Brad Pitt's
good looking, then what guys do you

are good looking?

I don't know.

You can only look at them when they're
not looking at you.

What?

We're talking about movies. What the
hell are you talking about?

I don't know.

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

No, no, no, no. This is interesting.

Let's say you were in prison.

Now, all the women have been killed by a
mysterious disease.

Plus the fact that your parents, very
understanding.

Who do you pick to be your cellmate?

Lee Neeson.

I let it be.

You know, the thing about this
conversation is we are not talking about

Pitt. Huh? No. We're talking about the
women Brad Pitt gets.

Man, what I could do with those women.
Yeah, you could drive them right to Brad

Pitt's house.

You know, the beautiful thing about
sitting in this bar here in Cleveland is

that not one of these women has a chance
in hell of meeting Brad Pitt.

So, here's to us.

Their cool little splash of reality.

Moon over Parma, bring my love to me
tonight.

Guide her to Cleveland, underneath your
silvery light.

We're going bowling, so don't lose her
in stolen.

Moon over Parma tonight.

Hey, Drew, looking sharp.

Feeling sharp, Lewis?

Don't touch me, man. You'll cut
yourself.

Man, what a party.

Can't believe you guys are still here.

Hey, look.

It's tomorrow.

When are you guys going home?

I don't know about Lewis, but I'm still
waiting for you to pay me my money.

Oh, well, get comfortable, pal. You are
the worst mobile DJ ever hired.

No wonder you're mobile. You're one step
ahead of an angry mom.

Hey.

I'm only charging you 50 bucks. People
pay me 150.

People like your snappy patter between
the songs?

Ah, come on, they love that. Here's one
for all the lovers in the crowd.

How about one for all the snipers in the
crowd?

Thanks for the help, Lewis.

Man, what a mess.

Yeah, look, I'll finish this room, but
then I gotta get home and change for

work. We're doing drug testing today.

Drug test, huh? That must be a big
problem at a chemical company.

Well, nine out of ten times if someone
fails a test, it's a Drug Co. product.

Oh, it'd make a great advertising
slogan.

Drug Co.

Come on, all your friends are doing it.

Hey.

You got into the non -generic beer.

Okay, okay, sorry.

Lewis and I will buy some more beer.
Hey, let's try that new drive -thru

store at Brook Park and Ridge.

Man, a liquor store with a window on the
side where you can buy whiskey, beer,

whatever you want while you're driving.

God bless America.

Just the thing for that drunk driver
who's constantly on the go.

Hey, no time to stop at a real bar. I
got things to do today.

Places to go, people to hit. Busy, busy,
busy.

Christmas time, up on the sidewalk.

Coming.

Hey, Kate. Hi.

Sorry I missed the party. By the time I
decided I wanted to live, I figured

everyone had gone home.

Oh, you missed a great one, Kate. Hey,
did you know that if the Domino's guy

doesn't get back in an hour, they call
the police?

Zachary Berry fired me this morning.

For what?

For being late.

Oh, that sucks. You drive in together.

That's only because we live together.
But, you know, that's over. I threw him

out last night.

Hold it. I'm getting something.

You live with your boss.

You broke up with him, and he fired you
the very next day.

Ripley's. You're not going to believe
me.

Why are guys like that?

I mean, you tell them it's all over
because the simple biological fact is,

size does count a little.

I mean, it's not like I wasn't the best
receptionist at Stupid Dem Bioshock I've

ever had. Why did he hire me in the
first place?

Wait, I have Mr. Obvious online, too.

He gave me the job so he could sleep
with you.

Well, then he's pretty.

Stupid, because I slept with him before
I got the job.

Hey,

Kate's here. Kate, did you bring his
breakfast? Yeah, where's breakfast?

Breakfast, breakfast, breakfast.

Hey, canned corn.

Would you hit them with your shoes so we
can talk about me? What happened to

you? I just got fired.

I'm sorry, Kate.

Well, at least you still have Barry.

Don't worry, Kate.

You know, this could be the best thing
that ever happened to you.

You're way better than those dead -end
jobs you keep taking.

I mean, look at me.

When I first took a job as a sales
clerk, I never thought it would lead to

career. But now I'm assistant director
of personnel.

I have a position of indirect respect
and oblique power.

You think you could use some of that
power to give me a job?

Come on, Kate. You know I can't hire
friends.

But I hate you.

I've always hated you.

Everybody hates me when they want a job.

You know what?

I saw the same thing on the X -Files.

One alien hires his friend alien to help
dominate the Earth. Sure enough, his

friend arrives late, doesn't know how to
work the gamma ray machine.

Next thing you know, they're both
washing dishes on Venus.

Lewis. Huh?

I don't know where to start.

Come on, Drew. I would be perfect in a
department store. You know I'd work my

ass off.

You hear that? It's the 802 honk.

It's my anal -retentive carpool. I gotta
go.

Think about it.

Okay. You're lying!

Yes!

841.

You know, Larry, right about now I got
interviews stacked up at the office.

Pretty much like you got angry motorists
stacked up behind you. Do you think you

can fire up a bullet train here?

If you don't like driving that fast,
it's not safe.

Hey, look at that fat guy walking.

Wow, look at that, will you?

Learned veterinary medicine through the
mail.

Man, I hate to be a dog in that house.

Mail's here.

I just lost my dog. My kids haven't
stopped crying for two days.

Oh.

Mind if I turn on the radio? Let me
check.

All in favor of turning on the radio?

You know, I've been in this carpool for
571 votes.

How come you get to decide when we vote?
Who voted on that?

I've been in some carpools. I actually
got out of the car laughing and singing.

This is like a funeral where they're not
in a hurry to bury the guy.

My aunt had a funeral.

We all had a nice time.

It's always good there. Oh, yeah.

Finally!

Finally, something we can all talk
about.

Saw the dog die.

Hang on.

How much is the monthly incentive for
joining the carpool?

Forty -five. Big old dollars.

Man, that only leaves me ten bucks for
bullets.

You won't use the carpool lane.

I used to get here in a half an hour.

Now I have to get up a half hour earlier
just to get here ten minutes later.

Sure, Cleveland's better, but I'm stuck
in a car with seven people who just had

breakfast burritos.

Did Mr. Bell call yet? Does he know I'm
late?

Good luck, Drew.

From here on out, I don't know you.

Terry, it's Bell. You there?

Yes, sir, Mr. Bell. Just going through
my files.

Wouldn't happen to be the cosmetic
counter.

Yes, sir. You must be psychic.

Hey, guess how many fingers I'm holding
up.

I need that position filled by Monday,
Terry.

Customers are complaining that they have
to wander from calendar counter looking

for help.

Yes, sir, Mr. Bell. You know, it's
always a pleasure to talk... Lois, can

send back my first interview, please?
Yes,

Mr. Bell. Right away, Mr. Bell. How's
the heart, Mr. Bell? Oh, that's too bad,

Mr. Bell.

Yes? Mimi Bobeck.

I'm here for the interview.

Nice to meet you, Mimi.

What department are you applying for?

Cosmetics.

Okay, great.

Can you sit down?

Let's see here.

Two years in phone sales.

Darkroom assistant.

Reader for the blind.

I'm also single.

if that helps.

Not me.

I mean, you know, we don't count marital
status either way.

Now, you know, we will be interviewing
quite a few people for this job.

Oh, well, so that's that. Well, nice
meeting you.

Uh, excuse me?

That's the code.

Interviewing quite a few people means
forget it. Just like thanks for stopping

by means we don't want to see you ever
again.

That's not what I was saying.

Cut the crap, Mr. Carey. I know what
you're thinking.

You have to be one of those classically
good -looking women to sell cosmetics.

Oh, no, not necessarily. Your looks are
just fine.

Did I say they weren't?

Uh, I was hoping somebody had.

Well, how does it work, Mr. Carey? Huh?
Some empty -headed bimbo walks in here

and you feel something in your groin,
they get the job?

What? What other requirements didn't I
meet? Wasn't my skirt short enough?

Didn't I bend over enough during the
interview? What does it take to get

as sexist as you to hire me?

Oh, you know, you're a...

Certainly under consideration.

What's your boss's name? I can find out
if you don't tell me. Look, his name's

Mr. Bell. Mr. Bell.

I think you're making a big mistake
here. You know, you're not being judged

anything but your application.

Hey, I see you speak Spanish.

You're in really big trouble, you know
that? I didn't come in here to be

insulted by some crew -cut jerk who
thinks this job is his own personal

contest. You're a pig!

We'll call and let you know.

Thanks for stopping by.

Hey, everybody ready to go?

Drew's not home yet. How'd the drug test
go?

Well, I couldn't wait.

Now I gotta do a makeup.

Any luck at the job front?

Nick, nothing.

Come on, ask me about my day, I dare
you.

All righty, Drew, how was your day?

You're not sincere enough. You!

You asked me about my day. Okay, Drew.

How was your day?

So you want to know how my day was, huh?
It was lousy. It was like the rubber

glove part of a physical exam.

That's a bad day.

My God, what happened?

Oh, some crazy woman I interviewed
complained to my boss, and I got reamed.

You, Mr.

Employee of the Month?

Hey, you're damn right I'm Employee of
the Month, and you know why?

Because I do my job well, and I treat
everyone fairly.

This woman called me a sexist.

How many forms do you have to fill out
when someone calls you a sexist?

Eight.

What'd you do, harass her?

No, I didn't harass her.

So she wanted it.

No. All she wanted was a job in the
cosmetics department.

But I couldn't hire her.

She came in looking like something my
nephew colored.

Oh, there's an opening at the cosmetics
department?

Yeah, but not for her.

There's too many mirrors.

Well, what really ticks me off is I'm up
for a promotion in a few weeks.

Now I've got to bust my hump and get
over this black mark.

Now, you know I'm not looking to buy a
Ferrari, but I'd like to get a few

paychecks ahead.

Maybe actually give something to charity
instead of just lying about it on my

taxes.

What's the rush?

Hey, I take goals for myself, man. I've
got deadlines.

I don't want to find out I've got my
high school reunion coming up. I've only

got six months to make something of
myself.

What am I going to do, be in an alley?
Come on, seven!

Daddy needs to lose weight and get a new
career. Come on, baby!

I need some hair right now.

Man, it's killing me. I know exactly
what you're saying, Drew.

My pharmaceutical company is doing big
things.

Any day now at Drug Co. could be the day
that we come up with that new miracle

drug. And it's going to be the guys that
work around the clock that get all the

credit. You know what?

I want to be one of those guys.

Lewis. Huh?

You're the maintenance man.

Start wearing one of those masks when
you sweep up, will you, buddy?

Ah. Hey,

you know, pal, that cheeseburger's gonna
give you a heart attack.

What?

I won't swallow that damn thing!

Doesn't the government regulate this
stuff?

Thank God for you, sir. I almost had a
moment of joy.

Safety Nazi, get lost.

You know, Drew, you're still a little on
edge.

Gee, you think so?

Well, there's only one way to tell.
Let's do a little stress test.

You know, Drew, Stress management is the
key to longevity.

I've always found that sensory
deprivation usually does the trick.

You're in total darkness, gradually
relaxing every muscle in your body as

lie in a warm pool of water.

Uh -oh.

I gotta pee.

They don't let him back in those tanks.

Oh, my God, there she is.

Who? My interview with a vampire.

to sell makeup?

Well, she should know something about
it. She certainly buys enough of it.

Man, what would I like to say to her?

Well, what's this then?

After a hard day of screwing qualified
Africans out of jobs, it's Miller time.

Drew, no need to respond.

Just ignore her and let it go.

Oh, and you must be the trash that got
the job.

Don't get up. I don't want to see where
his hand is.

I used to be a rodeo clown.

No, you know what?

I'm not going to stoop to her level.

I'm just going to tell her the truth.

Somebody's got to.

Excuse me, Miss Bobet.

Oh, great, you ruined my day. Now you're
going to ruin my night.

Ruined your day? You almost got me
fucked.

Listen, can we talk honestly?

Just a couple people in a bar.

No interviews, no suits, nothing. Just
regular folks, okay?

What are you bothering me for? Can't you
get laid here either?

Look, I didn't come over here to upset
you because if you start to cry and your

makeup starts to run, I don't have that
kind of time.

I just want you to consider the
possibility that I might be you.

I mean, I couldn't hire you for any job
in that store. I mean, you're just a

nasty person.

So my looks had nothing to do with it.

I said we were going to be honest, and,
uh, yes, they did.

A little bit.

Oh, no, you're not sexist. You're just
stupid.

Hey, sometimes appearance matters.

You know what? I'm never going to model
Speedos. I look like a Bart LePere with

a rubber band wrapped around the bottom.

But that's life.

You go out and you find something you're
good at, and you quit blaming everybody

else.

Well, when you put it like that, bite
me, jackass.

good -looking friend.

Can't you come up with something more
original, Lewis?

She hears that all day long.

Gee, you have a lot of the qualities
we're looking for in this position.

Haven't you ever had a job anywhere?

Listen, uh, I have to fill this job in
an hour or so.

Why don't you go wait out in the lobby
and I'll talk to the supervisor.

Thank you so much.

No, thank you. Oh, gosh. Fill this out.
Approved by your supervisor. That's me.

And thank you, Natalie.

Get out of here by five. Go over to
Oswald's house. Burn it down. That'll be

little stress test. And I'll have a nap.

Hey!

Hey! What are you doing downtown?

You got an interview?

Yeah. Man, you're a shoe and you look
great.

Hey, you want to go out for a bite to
eat? I can leave early. I just filled

job. No, you didn't.

Come on.

Just pay ten minutes to consider me. No.

This will screw up our relationship.

It's even worse than when friends have
sex, you know, because at least then you

had sex.

Excuse me, Drew.

The carpool took a vote.

We all chipped in for this bus pass.
It's our little way of saying we're

things didn't work out.

What? You can't kick me out of the
carpool. I can't go back to the bus.

Who am I supposed to drive in with? The
carpool took a vote.

We don't care.

I'll be in your carpool.

Excuse me.

Yes, Mr. Bell.

Listen, I don't want to tell you how to
do your job, but I saw a young woman in

the lobby who seems perfect for the
cosmetics counter.

Young, well -dressed.

I know, Mr. Bell.

She's wearing a tight blue suit. Come
and get me pumps. You cannot miss this

girl. I think when she's been over to
take a drink of water, I nearly choked

my... Yes, sir, Mr. Bell. I only have 45
minutes. I'm right on top of it.

I'll do it right away.

I can't do this.

What if I have to fire you when I'm sure
I'm going to have to?

How are we supposed to be friends after
that? You won't have to fire me.

You could kill me. How's that?

Yeah, well, it may solve some problems,
but, you know, it may create others.

Come on, you said yourself that I should
work in a nice place where I could get

ahead for once.

Nobody is going to hire me for this kind
of job with my background in body shop.

You are the only one that would give me
a chance.

What do you say?

What am I supposed to tell Natalie?

She was really looking forward to having
a resume.

Thank you.

Look, just in case the boss asks, do you
have any special qualifications that

make you better for the job than, you
know, Natalie?

I could beat the crap out of her.

Yeah, well, physical superiority is
something you always look for in a good

cosmetic salesperson.

Not so much in a friend, though.

Look at it come down.

Is that hot chocolate ready yet? Coming
right up.

Real nice of you to give Kate that job,
Drew. Well, you know, it was the only

decent thing to do.

She threaten you? Yeah. Yeah,

Drew, you're too good to us.

You don't have any pie?

You cheap bastard.

Evening passion.

Morning must.

What do you have around midday?

Come on, help me.

Just my luck, I get the hand that's been
petting a wet dog.

You're not helping, Drew.

You've been kissing that dog, too.

Get out of here.

You know what?

This calls for a celebration.

So.

You just go ahead, buddy. We'll wait in
here.

All right.

You don't know what you're missing.

Look at that dumb son of a gun.

Hey!

Thank you.