Original subtitles

And that's why the French don't wash.

Okay, boys.

Should we be having anything else?

I'll have what Brad Pitt's having.

Yeah, you find me Brad Pitt, I'll serve it up.

Now let's talk about Brad Pitt.

Did you see it was People Magazine's sexiest man alive this year? What does

mean? That John John Kennedy isn't so sexy anymore?

I'm not so impressed with Brad Pitt. I don't think he's even that good looking.

Doesn't matter what you think, Oswald. He's bigger than us. It's People

Magazine. It's been decided.

Well, if you don't think Brad Pitt's good looking, then what guys do you

are good looking?

I don't know.

You can only look at them when they're not looking at you.

What?

We're talking about movies. What the hell are you talking about?

I don't know.

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

No, no, no, no. This is interesting.

Let's say you were in prison.

Now, all the women have been killed by a mysterious disease.

Plus the fact that your parents, very understanding.

Who do you pick to be your cellmate?

Lee Neeson.

I let it be.

You know, the thing about this conversation is we are not talking about

Pitt. Huh? No. We're talking about the women Brad Pitt gets.

Man, what I could do with those women. Yeah, you could drive them right to Brad

Pitt's house.

You know, the beautiful thing about sitting in this bar here in Cleveland is

that not one of these women has a chance in hell of meeting Brad Pitt.

So, here's to us.

Their cool little splash of reality.

Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight.

Guide her to Cleveland, underneath your silvery light.

We're going bowling, so don't lose her in stolen.

Moon over Parma tonight.

Hey, Drew, looking sharp.

Feeling sharp, Lewis?

Don't touch me, man. You'll cut yourself.

Man, what a party.

Can't believe you guys are still here.

Hey, look.

It's tomorrow.

When are you guys going home?

I don't know about Lewis, but I'm still waiting for you to pay me my money.

Oh, well, get comfortable, pal. You are the worst mobile DJ ever hired.

No wonder you're mobile. You're one step ahead of an angry mom.

Hey.

I'm only charging you 50 bucks. People pay me 150.

People like your snappy patter between the songs?

Ah, come on, they love that. Here's one for all the lovers in the crowd.

How about one for all the snipers in the crowd?

Thanks for the help, Lewis.

Man, what a mess.

Yeah, look, I'll finish this room, but then I gotta get home and change for

work. We're doing drug testing today.

Drug test, huh? That must be a big problem at a chemical company.

Well, nine out of ten times if someone fails a test, it's a Drug Co. product.

Oh, it'd make a great advertising slogan.

Drug Co.

Come on, all your friends are doing it.

Hey.

You got into the non -generic beer.

Okay, okay, sorry.

Lewis and I will buy some more beer. Hey, let's try that new drive -thru

store at Brook Park and Ridge.

Man, a liquor store with a window on the side where you can buy whiskey, beer,

whatever you want while you're driving.

God bless America.

Just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go.

Hey, no time to stop at a real bar. I got things to do today.

Places to go, people to hit. Busy, busy, busy.

Christmas time, up on the sidewalk.

Coming.

Hey, Kate. Hi.

Sorry I missed the party. By the time I decided I wanted to live, I figured

everyone had gone home.

Oh, you missed a great one, Kate. Hey, did you know that if the Domino's guy

doesn't get back in an hour, they call the police?

Zachary Berry fired me this morning.

For what?

For being late.

Oh, that sucks. You drive in together.

That's only because we live together. But, you know, that's over. I threw him

out last night.

Hold it. I'm getting something.

You live with your boss.

You broke up with him, and he fired you the very next day.

Ripley's. You're not going to believe me.

Why are guys like that?

I mean, you tell them it's all over because the simple biological fact is,

size does count a little.

I mean, it's not like I wasn't the best receptionist at Stupid Dem Bioshock I've

ever had. Why did he hire me in the first place?

Wait, I have Mr. Obvious online, too.

He gave me the job so he could sleep with you.

Well, then he's pretty.

Stupid, because I slept with him before I got the job.

Hey,

Kate's here. Kate, did you bring his breakfast? Yeah, where's breakfast?

Breakfast, breakfast, breakfast.

Hey, canned corn.

Would you hit them with your shoes so we can talk about me? What happened to

you? I just got fired.

I'm sorry, Kate.

Well, at least you still have Barry.

Don't worry, Kate.

You know, this could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

You're way better than those dead -end jobs you keep taking.

I mean, look at me.

When I first took a job as a sales clerk, I never thought it would lead to

career. But now I'm assistant director of personnel.

I have a position of indirect respect and oblique power.

You think you could use some of that power to give me a job?

Come on, Kate. You know I can't hire friends.

But I hate you.

I've always hated you.

Everybody hates me when they want a job.

You know what?

I saw the same thing on the X -Files.

One alien hires his friend alien to help dominate the Earth. Sure enough, his

friend arrives late, doesn't know how to work the gamma ray machine.

Next thing you know, they're both washing dishes on Venus.

Lewis. Huh?

I don't know where to start.

Come on, Drew. I would be perfect in a department store. You know I'd work my

ass off.

You hear that? It's the 802 honk.

It's my anal -retentive carpool. I gotta go.

Think about it.

Okay. You're lying!

Yes!

841.

You know, Larry, right about now I got interviews stacked up at the office.

Pretty much like you got angry motorists stacked up behind you. Do you think you

can fire up a bullet train here?

If you don't like driving that fast, it's not safe.

Hey, look at that fat guy walking.

Wow, look at that, will you?

Learned veterinary medicine through the mail.

Man, I hate to be a dog in that house.

Mail's here.

I just lost my dog. My kids haven't stopped crying for two days.

Oh.

Mind if I turn on the radio? Let me check.

All in favor of turning on the radio?

You know, I've been in this carpool for 571 votes.

How come you get to decide when we vote? Who voted on that?

I've been in some carpools. I actually got out of the car laughing and singing.

This is like a funeral where they're not in a hurry to bury the guy.

My aunt had a funeral.

We all had a nice time.

It's always good there. Oh, yeah.

Finally!

Finally, something we can all talk about.

Saw the dog die.

Hang on.

How much is the monthly incentive for joining the carpool?

Forty -five. Big old dollars.

Man, that only leaves me ten bucks for bullets.

You won't use the carpool lane.

I used to get here in a half an hour.

Now I have to get up a half hour earlier just to get here ten minutes later.

Sure, Cleveland's better, but I'm stuck in a car with seven people who just had

breakfast burritos.

Did Mr. Bell call yet? Does he know I'm late?

Good luck, Drew.

From here on out, I don't know you.

Terry, it's Bell. You there?

Yes, sir, Mr. Bell. Just going through my files.

Wouldn't happen to be the cosmetic counter.

Yes, sir. You must be psychic.

Hey, guess how many fingers I'm holding up.

I need that position filled by Monday, Terry.

Customers are complaining that they have to wander from calendar counter looking

for help.

Yes, sir, Mr. Bell. You know, it's always a pleasure to talk... Lois, can

send back my first interview, please? Yes,

Mr. Bell. Right away, Mr. Bell. How's the heart, Mr. Bell? Oh, that's too bad,

Mr. Bell.

Yes? Mimi Bobeck.

I'm here for the interview.

Nice to meet you, Mimi.

What department are you applying for?

Cosmetics.

Okay, great.

Can you sit down?

Let's see here.

Two years in phone sales.

Darkroom assistant.

Reader for the blind.

I'm also single.

if that helps.

Not me.

I mean, you know, we don't count marital status either way.

Now, you know, we will be interviewing quite a few people for this job.

Oh, well, so that's that. Well, nice meeting you.

Uh, excuse me?

That's the code.

Interviewing quite a few people means forget it. Just like thanks for stopping

by means we don't want to see you ever again.

That's not what I was saying.

Cut the crap, Mr. Carey. I know what you're thinking.

You have to be one of those classically good -looking women to sell cosmetics.

Oh, no, not necessarily. Your looks are just fine.

Did I say they weren't?

Uh, I was hoping somebody had.

Well, how does it work, Mr. Carey? Huh? Some empty -headed bimbo walks in here

and you feel something in your groin, they get the job?

What? What other requirements didn't I meet? Wasn't my skirt short enough?

Didn't I bend over enough during the interview? What does it take to get

as sexist as you to hire me?

Oh, you know, you're a...

Certainly under consideration.

What's your boss's name? I can find out if you don't tell me. Look, his name's

Mr. Bell. Mr. Bell.

I think you're making a big mistake here. You know, you're not being judged

anything but your application.

Hey, I see you speak Spanish.

You're in really big trouble, you know that? I didn't come in here to be

insulted by some crew -cut jerk who thinks this job is his own personal

contest. You're a pig!

We'll call and let you know.

Thanks for stopping by.

Hey, everybody ready to go?

Drew's not home yet. How'd the drug test go?

Well, I couldn't wait.

Now I gotta do a makeup.

Any luck at the job front?

Nick, nothing.

Come on, ask me about my day, I dare you.

All righty, Drew, how was your day?

You're not sincere enough. You!

You asked me about my day. Okay, Drew.

How was your day?

So you want to know how my day was, huh? It was lousy. It was like the rubber

glove part of a physical exam.

That's a bad day.

My God, what happened?

Oh, some crazy woman I interviewed complained to my boss, and I got reamed.

You, Mr.

Employee of the Month?

Hey, you're damn right I'm Employee of the Month, and you know why?

Because I do my job well, and I treat everyone fairly.

This woman called me a sexist.

How many forms do you have to fill out when someone calls you a sexist?

Eight.

What'd you do, harass her?

No, I didn't harass her.

So she wanted it.

No. All she wanted was a job in the cosmetics department.

But I couldn't hire her.

She came in looking like something my nephew colored.

Oh, there's an opening at the cosmetics department?

Yeah, but not for her.

There's too many mirrors.

Well, what really ticks me off is I'm up for a promotion in a few weeks.

Now I've got to bust my hump and get over this black mark.

Now, you know I'm not looking to buy a Ferrari, but I'd like to get a few

paychecks ahead.

Maybe actually give something to charity instead of just lying about it on my

taxes.

What's the rush?

Hey, I take goals for myself, man. I've got deadlines.

I don't want to find out I've got my high school reunion coming up. I've only

got six months to make something of myself.

What am I going to do, be in an alley? Come on, seven!

Daddy needs to lose weight and get a new career. Come on, baby!

I need some hair right now.

Man, it's killing me. I know exactly what you're saying, Drew.

My pharmaceutical company is doing big things.

Any day now at Drug Co. could be the day that we come up with that new miracle

drug. And it's going to be the guys that work around the clock that get all the

credit. You know what?

I want to be one of those guys.

Lewis. Huh?

You're the maintenance man.

Start wearing one of those masks when you sweep up, will you, buddy?

Ah. Hey,

you know, pal, that cheeseburger's gonna give you a heart attack.

What?

I won't swallow that damn thing!

Doesn't the government regulate this stuff?

Thank God for you, sir. I almost had a moment of joy.

Safety Nazi, get lost.

You know, Drew, you're still a little on edge.

Gee, you think so?

Well, there's only one way to tell. Let's do a little stress test.

You know, Drew, Stress management is the key to longevity.

I've always found that sensory deprivation usually does the trick.

You're in total darkness, gradually relaxing every muscle in your body as

lie in a warm pool of water.

Uh -oh.

I gotta pee.

They don't let him back in those tanks.

Oh, my God, there she is.

Who? My interview with a vampire.

to sell makeup?

Well, she should know something about it. She certainly buys enough of it.

Man, what would I like to say to her?

Well, what's this then?

After a hard day of screwing qualified Africans out of jobs, it's Miller time.

Drew, no need to respond.

Just ignore her and let it go.

Oh, and you must be the trash that got the job.

Don't get up. I don't want to see where his hand is.

I used to be a rodeo clown.

No, you know what?

I'm not going to stoop to her level.

I'm just going to tell her the truth.

Somebody's got to.

Excuse me, Miss Bobet.

Oh, great, you ruined my day. Now you're going to ruin my night.

Ruined your day? You almost got me fucked.

Listen, can we talk honestly?

Just a couple people in a bar.

No interviews, no suits, nothing. Just regular folks, okay?

What are you bothering me for? Can't you get laid here either?

Look, I didn't come over here to upset you because if you start to cry and your

makeup starts to run, I don't have that kind of time.

I just want you to consider the possibility that I might be you.

I mean, I couldn't hire you for any job in that store. I mean, you're just a

nasty person.

So my looks had nothing to do with it.

I said we were going to be honest, and, uh, yes, they did.

A little bit.

Oh, no, you're not sexist. You're just stupid.

Hey, sometimes appearance matters.

You know what? I'm never going to model Speedos. I look like a Bart LePere with

a rubber band wrapped around the bottom.

But that's life.

You go out and you find something you're good at, and you quit blaming everybody

else.

Well, when you put it like that, bite me, jackass.

good -looking friend.

Can't you come up with something more original, Lewis?

She hears that all day long.

Gee, you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for in this position.

Haven't you ever had a job anywhere?

Listen, uh, I have to fill this job in an hour or so.

Why don't you go wait out in the lobby and I'll talk to the supervisor.

Thank you so much.

No, thank you. Oh, gosh. Fill this out. Approved by your supervisor. That's me.

And thank you, Natalie.

Get out of here by five. Go over to Oswald's house. Burn it down. That'll be

little stress test. And I'll have a nap.

Hey!

Hey! What are you doing downtown?

You got an interview?

Yeah. Man, you're a shoe and you look great.

Hey, you want to go out for a bite to eat? I can leave early. I just filled

job. No, you didn't.

Come on.

Just pay ten minutes to consider me. No.

This will screw up our relationship.

It's even worse than when friends have sex, you know, because at least then you

had sex.

Excuse me, Drew.

The carpool took a vote.

We all chipped in for this bus pass. It's our little way of saying we're

things didn't work out.

What? You can't kick me out of the carpool. I can't go back to the bus.

Who am I supposed to drive in with? The carpool took a vote.

We don't care.

I'll be in your carpool.

Excuse me.

Yes, Mr. Bell.

Listen, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but I saw a young woman in

the lobby who seems perfect for the cosmetics counter.

Young, well -dressed.

I know, Mr. Bell.

She's wearing a tight blue suit. Come and get me pumps. You cannot miss this

girl. I think when she's been over to take a drink of water, I nearly choked

my... Yes, sir, Mr. Bell. I only have 45 minutes. I'm right on top of it.

I'll do it right away.

I can't do this.

What if I have to fire you when I'm sure I'm going to have to?

How are we supposed to be friends after that? You won't have to fire me.

You could kill me. How's that?

Yeah, well, it may solve some problems, but, you know, it may create others.

Come on, you said yourself that I should work in a nice place where I could get

ahead for once.

Nobody is going to hire me for this kind of job with my background in body shop.

You are the only one that would give me a chance.

What do you say?

What am I supposed to tell Natalie?

She was really looking forward to having a resume.

Thank you.

Look, just in case the boss asks, do you have any special qualifications that

make you better for the job than, you know, Natalie?

I could beat the crap out of her.

Yeah, well, physical superiority is something you always look for in a good

cosmetic salesperson.

Not so much in a friend, though.

Look at it come down.

Is that hot chocolate ready yet? Coming right up.

Real nice of you to give Kate that job, Drew. Well, you know, it was the only

decent thing to do.

She threaten you? Yeah. Yeah,

Drew, you're too good to us.

You don't have any pie?

You cheap bastard.

Evening passion.

Morning must.

What do you have around midday?

Come on, help me.

Just my luck, I get the hand that's been petting a wet dog.

You're not helping, Drew.

You've been kissing that dog, too.

Get out of here.

You know what?

This calls for a celebration.

So.

You just go ahead, buddy. We'll wait in here.

All right.

You don't know what you're missing.

Look at that dumb son of a gun.

Hey!

Thank you.

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