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1
00:00:05,221 --> 00:00:06,661
-[tapping]
-[intro music]
2
00:00:06,741 --> 00:00:11,461
Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all
about knowing fuck all about owt,
3
00:00:11,541 --> 00:00:13,500
needs to watch their back. [cries out]
4
00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:16,620
So, you've had your Labour,
reclassifying skunk,
5
00:00:16,701 --> 00:00:18,381
sending prices sky high,
6
00:00:18,460 --> 00:00:22,460
literally, literally taking the grass
from its own roots.
7
00:00:22,541 --> 00:00:25,101
And now you've got your con-dem-nation.
8
00:00:25,181 --> 00:00:28,501
Liberals noshing Tories
like altar boys picking dimps up.
9
00:00:28,581 --> 00:00:32,341
Have we had
a national fucking stroke or what?
10
00:00:32,421 --> 00:00:36,381
Is revolution a word or was it never?
11
00:00:36,461 --> 00:00:38,741
Anybody watching, needs to know
12
00:00:38,821 --> 00:00:42,181
we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
13
00:00:42,260 --> 00:00:45,501
Well, for fuck's sake,
we live in Manchester
14
00:00:45,580 --> 00:00:48,741
and they charge us for water!
15
00:00:48,821 --> 00:00:53,580
I wandered lonely as a clown,
necking mushrooms rarely found,
16
00:00:53,661 --> 00:00:57,381
this green and pleasant land
in ancient times...
17
00:00:57,461 --> 00:00:59,381
Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!
18
00:00:59,461 --> 00:01:02,661
It's not theirs anymore.
19
00:01:02,741 --> 00:01:05,821
-This is our England now.
-[cheering]
20
00:01:05,901 --> 00:01:08,261
Party!
21
00:01:08,341 --> 00:01:10,741
[intro music]
22
00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:12,140
[intro music fades out]
23
00:01:12,221 --> 00:01:14,541
-[people laughing]
-[pop music]
24
00:01:14,621 --> 00:01:16,541
[Micky] I always felt I was different,
25
00:01:16,621 --> 00:01:18,301
I never believed that I fitted in.
26
00:01:18,381 --> 00:01:21,741
Life is... ordinary! But I was special.
27
00:01:21,821 --> 00:01:26,860
I used to think I'm not a part of this,
I can't be. I must be adopted!
28
00:01:30,140 --> 00:01:32,821
My real mum and dad were film stars, yeah,
29
00:01:32,901 --> 00:01:35,461
they couldn't look after me
because of their careers
30
00:01:35,541 --> 00:01:37,901
but one day... one day...
31
00:01:37,981 --> 00:01:40,780
-Fish and chips!
-they'll come back for me.
32
00:01:40,860 --> 00:01:44,140
My real parents will tip up
in a big fuck off limo
33
00:01:44,220 --> 00:01:46,060
and whisk me off to a better life...
34
00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:48,821
'Scuse me Mister?
I really want to do magic.
35
00:01:48,901 --> 00:01:50,541
Can you teach me?
36
00:01:50,621 --> 00:01:51,981
[Micky] And then I learnt...
37
00:01:52,621 --> 00:01:55,101
-Fuck off, kid.
-...that there's no such thing as magic
38
00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:58,500
or the Tooth Fairy or Father Christmas.
39
00:01:58,580 --> 00:02:01,140
It's like flying pigs, they don't exist.
40
00:02:01,220 --> 00:02:03,661
We just have to make do
with what we've got.
41
00:02:03,741 --> 00:02:05,261
Come on. It's good for you.
42
00:02:05,341 --> 00:02:06,500
[Micky] Eh?
43
00:02:06,580 --> 00:02:09,060
Look, if you don't eat it right,
44
00:02:09,141 --> 00:02:12,061
Mr Cuddles's banana brains
will be splattered all over the wall!
45
00:02:12,141 --> 00:02:13,380
[imitates gunshot]
46
00:02:13,461 --> 00:02:14,820
[Kelly] I know how you feel.
47
00:02:14,901 --> 00:02:17,501
I can't do a thing with this today,
it's flat as a gymnasts chest.
48
00:02:17,581 --> 00:02:19,021
[Micky] Helicopter!
49
00:02:19,100 --> 00:02:21,781
-[Micky imitates helicopter]
-[Cilla cries]
50
00:02:21,861 --> 00:02:25,380
Look, if you don't eat it right,
then the helicopter will crash.
51
00:02:25,461 --> 00:02:27,581
-[imitates helicopter]
-[Billy] Let 'em die.
52
00:02:27,661 --> 00:02:28,820
[Cilla cries]
53
00:02:30,181 --> 00:02:32,941
-S'there a brew going or what?
-Yeah. In the kettle.
54
00:02:34,260 --> 00:02:35,421
That's mine.
55
00:02:37,181 --> 00:02:38,941
-Got your name in it?
-Yeah, it has.
56
00:02:39,021 --> 00:02:42,621
-S'that porridge?
-No it's a kebab.
57
00:02:42,701 --> 00:02:45,341
She prefers Chocky-Choc Pops,
with a bit of sugar on.
58
00:02:46,861 --> 00:02:48,820
Is that what you feed her?
59
00:02:48,901 --> 00:02:53,461
It's no wonder she won't touch it
she's holding out for a sugar fix.
60
00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:55,061
That stuff will rot her teeth.
61
00:02:55,141 --> 00:02:57,380
They're her baby ones,
she'll get a new set when she's older.
62
00:02:57,461 --> 00:03:00,181
If she gets older!
The shit you're pumping into her.
63
00:03:00,260 --> 00:03:02,861
-You're not fit to be a parent.
-And you are?
64
00:03:02,941 --> 00:03:05,781
-Well I'm more qualified than you are!
-Who's the daddy?
65
00:03:05,861 --> 00:03:07,021
-Who's the daddy?
-I'm the daddy?
66
00:03:07,100 --> 00:03:08,820
-Where's your tool?
-You're a tool!
67
00:03:08,901 --> 00:03:11,861
Woah, woah woahhh! Pack it in!
68
00:03:15,061 --> 00:03:18,341
It's not about you,
or about how good you are, it's about her!
69
00:03:18,941 --> 00:03:20,581
[spoon bonking]
70
00:03:20,661 --> 00:03:22,141
Smaller spoon.
71
00:03:22,820 --> 00:03:27,021
S'like when you're feeding a poorly snake
you chop up the mice up with the scissors.
72
00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:28,380
[door closes]
73
00:03:28,461 --> 00:03:32,301
-Right you set of lazy bastards!
-Morning.
74
00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:35,260
I've got piles of bills here
falling out of me arse
75
00:03:35,341 --> 00:03:37,140
and what are you lot doing about it?
76
00:03:37,221 --> 00:03:42,420
Fuck all! I need
every single one of you worthless shites
77
00:03:42,501 --> 00:03:45,621
to start pulling in some serious money!
78
00:03:45,700 --> 00:03:48,501
-Today!
-Er, I'm out there grafting already.
79
00:03:48,581 --> 00:03:50,861
I thought we were going to town?
Get mi' a new trackie?
80
00:03:50,941 --> 00:03:53,420
I've got a golden shower booked in at ten.
81
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:55,181
And I've got my community service.
82
00:03:55,260 --> 00:03:57,661
Prancing about in tights
in't community service.
83
00:03:57,741 --> 00:03:59,741
-Yer what?
-I picked up needles and shit
84
00:03:59,820 --> 00:04:02,781
when I did service. Him?
He's doing 'drama', plays and that.
85
00:04:02,860 --> 00:04:05,341
Maybe the magistrate saw something in me.
86
00:04:05,420 --> 00:04:09,140
What like? Big fucking gayness? [laughing]
87
00:04:09,221 --> 00:04:11,221
You're not mi' dad!
88
00:04:15,621 --> 00:04:18,821
[Micky] I reckon the magistrate
was knocked out by me, you know
89
00:04:18,901 --> 00:04:20,341
saw I had a bit of summatt about me...
90
00:04:20,420 --> 00:04:22,861
[Michelle] Bastard. Bastard.
Fucking bastard.
91
00:04:22,941 --> 00:04:25,541
-Coz I've done loads of acting me...
-[Michelle] See how you like that.
92
00:04:25,620 --> 00:04:27,500
I was the Inn Keeper, well...
93
00:04:27,581 --> 00:04:31,981
I played an opportunistic businessman
in a historical drama.
94
00:04:32,060 --> 00:04:35,981
Yeah and I did a film, Taxi Driver,
it was fucking mint
95
00:04:36,060 --> 00:04:38,901
I mean it was mint. Soz.
96
00:04:38,981 --> 00:04:41,821
I just really want
to make a success out of this,
97
00:04:41,901 --> 00:04:45,060
I think I'm turning a corner you know.
98
00:04:45,141 --> 00:04:48,421
If I can just get this community service
sentence out of the way...
99
00:04:48,500 --> 00:04:49,861
[Michelle] Bastard!
100
00:04:49,940 --> 00:04:52,261
-[Micky] Good news?
-[Michelle] My ex.
101
00:04:52,341 --> 00:04:54,461
Ran off with mi' best friend!
102
00:04:54,541 --> 00:04:56,180
You really missing her?
103
00:04:56,901 --> 00:05:00,740
I'll get his knees done if you want?
Put him in a wheelchair and that...
104
00:05:01,901 --> 00:05:04,021
Joke! [laughing]
105
00:05:04,101 --> 00:05:07,821
[Micky] No, I know what it's like
to be in an abusive relationship.
106
00:05:07,901 --> 00:05:12,381
Mi' step dad nicks my clothes right,
he's using one of my t-shirts to sleep...
107
00:05:15,060 --> 00:05:16,461
And he hits me,
108
00:05:16,541 --> 00:05:19,261
I mean proper hits me.
109
00:05:19,341 --> 00:05:21,701
-He's cracked mi' ribs and that.
-In here.
110
00:05:26,101 --> 00:05:28,541
[upbeat music]
111
00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:38,380
I think there's been a mistake.
112
00:05:38,461 --> 00:05:40,581
You shouldn't have called the magistrate
a 'fucking mong'.
113
00:05:40,661 --> 00:05:43,461
-He was a fucking mong.
-He'd had a stroke.
114
00:05:43,541 --> 00:05:44,861
And?
115
00:05:49,701 --> 00:05:51,141
[music stops]
116
00:05:51,221 --> 00:05:54,060
Dropped down dead from a brain tumour.
117
00:05:54,141 --> 00:05:56,581
-Age?
-Fifty seven.
118
00:05:56,661 --> 00:05:58,461
[Patty] Oh here's another good one!
119
00:05:58,541 --> 00:06:02,981
Father of two, forty seven,
knocked down by a bus, forty seven.
120
00:06:03,060 --> 00:06:04,901
Morbid old crones.
121
00:06:04,981 --> 00:06:09,101
They make Goth Dave look like
a children's television presenter.
122
00:06:09,180 --> 00:06:12,861
Two halves a cider, one with black.
That's the one with black.
123
00:06:16,701 --> 00:06:18,701
Can I have some cash for the pool table?
124
00:06:23,421 --> 00:06:25,101
Cheers.
125
00:06:25,180 --> 00:06:26,661
He acts like a child.
But then again he is.
126
00:06:26,740 --> 00:06:30,461
Would you get him a glass of lemonade?
Or does the sugar make him hyper?
127
00:06:30,541 --> 00:06:32,740
Oh, careful what you say now.
128
00:06:32,820 --> 00:06:34,421
there are children about
129
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:37,820
and we don't want them
picking up any bad language now, do we.
130
00:06:37,901 --> 00:06:39,421
[both laughing]
131
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:40,581
[little Billy] Mummy?
132
00:06:42,581 --> 00:06:44,461
Can I have a bag of crisps please?
133
00:06:45,060 --> 00:06:50,101
-Oh!
-[all laughing]
134
00:06:51,701 --> 00:06:53,740
You need to man-up.
135
00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:59,421
That... my... dear young friend,
136
00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:02,500
is... the... theory
137
00:07:02,581 --> 00:07:06,861
that the corrupt French drama
138
00:07:06,940 --> 00:07:09,861
has been propounding...
139
00:07:12,101 --> 00:07:14,380
Aw, you've been smoking!
140
00:07:20,060 --> 00:07:22,701
This will be a million times better
than the shit you're inhaling there.
141
00:07:22,781 --> 00:07:26,940
-It's Salford Skunk.
-[Ray] Shop local, like it.
142
00:07:27,021 --> 00:07:30,500
Thai Stick, pure quality.
143
00:07:30,581 --> 00:07:36,781
I'm autistic so it focuses mi' mind
and it's good for... concentration.
144
00:07:39,661 --> 00:07:40,901
D'you like it here?
145
00:07:40,981 --> 00:07:45,141
S'all right, usually a bit better
when we haven't got the thrush.
146
00:07:45,940 --> 00:07:47,701
Irritating twat.
147
00:07:47,781 --> 00:07:50,901
And to be honest,
I prefer numbers to words me anyway.
148
00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:52,901
For example...
149
00:07:54,541 --> 00:07:56,781
from here I can see...
150
00:07:56,861 --> 00:08:00,861
eighty trees, seventy two yellow lines,
four hundred and twelve railings,
151
00:08:00,940 --> 00:08:04,781
seventeen traffic lights,
twelve satellite dishes, three cameras,
152
00:08:04,861 --> 00:08:08,060
sixty four windows, twenty four cars,
and two dead pigeons.
153
00:08:08,141 --> 00:08:09,901
[Ray laughs]
154
00:08:09,981 --> 00:08:11,820
You know all that by looking at them?
155
00:08:11,901 --> 00:08:14,981
-The other thing I like is--
-Never mind that!
156
00:08:15,060 --> 00:08:19,260
-D'ya fancy going to a casino one night?
-The other thing I like is women.
157
00:08:19,341 --> 00:08:21,260
I want to shag a woman.
158
00:08:21,341 --> 00:08:24,981
I bet you've shagged loads of women?
What's it like?
159
00:08:26,820 --> 00:08:28,221
Messy.
160
00:08:28,901 --> 00:08:30,541
Anyway fuck that.
161
00:08:30,620 --> 00:08:33,220
D'ya want to come
to the casino one night with me,
162
00:08:33,301 --> 00:08:35,381
pull in some serious money?
163
00:08:36,541 --> 00:08:39,141
Get me a woman to shag
and I'll come to the casino.
164
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:49,100
[Shane] The community service dickheads
proudly present
165
00:08:49,181 --> 00:08:51,621
'Litter Pick on the M60'.
166
00:08:51,701 --> 00:08:54,141
We're a cutting edge group
of performers right,
167
00:08:54,220 --> 00:08:58,421
-with important things to say.
-So have I, get a fucking job!
168
00:08:58,501 --> 00:09:00,581
[ironically laughing]
169
00:09:00,661 --> 00:09:02,701
-I'll show you.
-[Shane] Show me?
170
00:09:02,781 --> 00:09:05,301
You think I'm a joke,
you think I'm worth fuck all.
171
00:09:05,381 --> 00:09:09,220
It's not just me Micky,
it's pretty much across the board mate.
172
00:09:09,301 --> 00:09:11,941
[Frank laughing]
173
00:09:12,021 --> 00:09:13,941
[Micky] Kel!
174
00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:15,821
Fancy making a million quid for Mam?
175
00:09:19,581 --> 00:09:21,141
Boom! [laughing]
176
00:09:21,220 --> 00:09:23,541
-Fuck are you playing at?
-Dur!
177
00:09:23,621 --> 00:09:25,980
You'll be wearing that
internally in a minute.
178
00:09:26,061 --> 00:09:29,701
I've got a list of jobs as long as my arse
and you piss off out of it.
179
00:09:29,781 --> 00:09:31,381
[Billy] I was manning up.
180
00:09:31,460 --> 00:09:34,501
Leave you at home doing the jobs
and me come here. Like a man.
181
00:09:34,581 --> 00:09:38,941
-You tell her kid.
-S'not how it works, not in my house!
182
00:09:39,701 --> 00:09:41,501
Your list of jobs.
183
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,141
It's about time you proved yourself
to be a man,
184
00:09:44,220 --> 00:09:46,901
-my man, alright?
-Winner stays on.
185
00:09:46,980 --> 00:09:48,460
Now!
186
00:09:48,541 --> 00:09:50,581
[Frank laughing]
187
00:09:53,061 --> 00:09:54,901
[laughing]
188
00:09:54,980 --> 00:09:58,661
[Terry]
As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew...
189
00:09:58,741 --> 00:10:02,501
I must say that your taking in a sweet,
190
00:10:02,581 --> 00:10:05,141
simple, innocent girl like that...
191
00:10:05,220 --> 00:10:07,661
-Do'you like this?
-[Michelle] Excuse me?
192
00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:11,021
Chatting away while people are working
is hugely disrespectful.
193
00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:12,741
[coughs]
194
00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:14,541
You got something to say?
195
00:10:14,621 --> 00:10:16,541
Why are they doing this?
196
00:10:16,621 --> 00:10:17,941
Did they chose it?
197
00:10:18,901 --> 00:10:21,821
No disrespect or owt
but I don't understand it and,
198
00:10:21,901 --> 00:10:23,860
by looks of things,
neither do any of this lot.
199
00:10:23,941 --> 00:10:26,781
I'm sick and tired of men
telling me what's what!
200
00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:29,901
Time and time again
they think they know best
201
00:10:29,980 --> 00:10:34,220
and they know fu... jack all!
202
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:37,421
You Michael Maguire
have booked yourself a one way ticket
203
00:10:37,501 --> 00:10:40,541
right out of here direct to prison.
204
00:10:40,621 --> 00:10:44,021
Do not pass go
and do not collect two hundred pounds.
205
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:44,941
Wait!
206
00:10:45,021 --> 00:10:47,741
I'm calling the courts now,
you're in breach of your order.
207
00:10:47,821 --> 00:10:51,980
-Alright, alright, I'm sorry.
-Contributed nothing except negativity,
208
00:10:52,061 --> 00:10:57,220
whipping them up into a frenzy.
There won't be a revolution here.
209
00:10:57,301 --> 00:10:59,941
-Please!
-Not on my watch!
210
00:11:00,021 --> 00:11:01,541
Miss! Miss wait!
211
00:11:07,501 --> 00:11:10,301
-[Micky] Ah!
-[Michelle screams]
212
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:16,860
-She pushed me.
-She fell.
213
00:11:16,941 --> 00:11:18,581
Pushed...
214
00:11:22,141 --> 00:11:23,541
Please! Let me out!
215
00:11:31,340 --> 00:11:32,581
Success!
216
00:11:32,661 --> 00:11:35,301
I picked up the child allowance
from the Post Office,
217
00:11:35,381 --> 00:11:37,141
went to court, paid the fines.
218
00:11:37,220 --> 00:11:39,781
Dropped that bag wash off
and did the shop.
219
00:11:40,821 --> 00:11:41,980
Who's this?
220
00:11:46,661 --> 00:11:48,301
It's the same pram!
221
00:11:48,381 --> 00:11:51,701
[women laughing]
222
00:11:58,021 --> 00:12:00,701
-Flat out asleep.
-Cilla or Latifa?
223
00:12:00,781 --> 00:12:02,421
Cilla.
224
00:12:02,501 --> 00:12:05,501
Look. I proved I can do stuff,
and I've shown I can sort problems.
225
00:12:05,581 --> 00:12:07,941
-I've manned up.
-But can you think for yourself?
226
00:12:08,021 --> 00:12:09,661
-I don't know what you want me to say?
-[sighs]
227
00:12:09,740 --> 00:12:12,460
-[Billy] Yeah, I can think for myself.
-And pigs will fly.
228
00:12:12,541 --> 00:12:13,460
I can!
229
00:12:14,501 --> 00:12:15,581
Prove it.
230
00:12:15,661 --> 00:12:18,460
We've got to find five hundred quid
before midnight.
231
00:12:18,541 --> 00:12:19,541
Have we?
232
00:12:19,621 --> 00:12:21,860
It's a hypothetical case.
233
00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:23,261
Right.
234
00:12:23,340 --> 00:12:25,381
So where ya gonna get it from?
235
00:12:25,460 --> 00:12:27,901
-The bank?
-You haven't got a bank account.
236
00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:30,621
-The hypothetical bank?
-Oh for suck's sake, Micky.
237
00:12:31,421 --> 00:12:34,220
Billy.
You can't get it from the bank, right,
238
00:12:34,301 --> 00:12:39,620
can't get it from any of our stashes,
sell anything or hurt anybody
239
00:12:39,701 --> 00:12:44,100
so where are you gonna get
five hundred quid from tonight?
240
00:12:44,181 --> 00:12:45,541
Think.
241
00:12:48,541 --> 00:12:50,061
[puffing]
242
00:12:52,501 --> 00:12:54,740
My mum used to work in this office,
243
00:12:54,821 --> 00:12:56,620
it had a box of petty cash.
244
00:12:56,701 --> 00:12:58,340
Five hundred quid's worth?
245
00:12:58,421 --> 00:12:59,821
More like a grand.
246
00:13:00,541 --> 00:13:01,661
[chuckles]
247
00:13:11,781 --> 00:13:14,061
I don't have to get it...do I?
248
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:19,021
[dance music]
249
00:13:20,261 --> 00:13:23,421
I like lemonade and Cheryl Cole.
250
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:27,261
[Terry] Come on Lise.
251
00:13:27,860 --> 00:13:30,100
She fancies you.
252
00:13:30,181 --> 00:13:32,661
But I fancy her right,
253
00:13:32,740 --> 00:13:35,301
so...stay away!
254
00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:36,421
Alright!
255
00:13:39,421 --> 00:13:40,661
Hiya.
256
00:13:43,381 --> 00:13:44,261
[music stops]
257
00:13:44,340 --> 00:13:46,021
Right. [clapping]
258
00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:48,220
Ten minute fag break.
259
00:13:53,701 --> 00:13:56,141
I know they're a little bit different
to how I'd described them.
260
00:13:56,220 --> 00:13:58,701
I'm used to different,
I do 'different' every day.
261
00:13:58,781 --> 00:13:59,701
[chuckles]
262
00:14:01,261 --> 00:14:03,261
-Are you Micky's girlfriend?
-No!
263
00:14:03,941 --> 00:14:07,141
She's just here to help out.
Y'know, lend a hand.
264
00:14:09,620 --> 00:14:10,941
You can have a brew then.
265
00:14:12,821 --> 00:14:16,701
Are you alright to use the kettle.
I mean, you're allowed?
266
00:14:19,220 --> 00:14:22,421
So where's this Rainman
who's gonna make us some serious money?
267
00:14:29,340 --> 00:14:32,620
-What play are we going to do instead?
268
00:14:32,701 --> 00:14:34,301
[Micky] One I'm writing myself.
269
00:14:34,381 --> 00:14:38,620
It's the story
of a poor misunderstood genius
270
00:14:38,701 --> 00:14:41,261
rejected by everyone around him.
271
00:14:41,340 --> 00:14:44,460
He wants to fit in, he strives for it,
272
00:14:44,541 --> 00:14:45,941
but...
273
00:14:46,661 --> 00:14:48,661
no-one gets him.
274
00:14:49,941 --> 00:14:51,740
[Micky] You lot know what it's like.
275
00:14:51,821 --> 00:14:55,220
-Feeling like you don't fit in?
-[Kirsty] We do fit in.
276
00:14:55,301 --> 00:14:58,301
But what about when people
call you names and that?
277
00:14:58,381 --> 00:15:01,701
-Names?
-[Micky] Yeah, window-lickers,
278
00:15:01,781 --> 00:15:04,141
biffs, retards...
279
00:15:04,220 --> 00:15:07,500
People don't call me names like that.
280
00:15:07,581 --> 00:15:08,781
What do they call you?
281
00:15:08,860 --> 00:15:12,740
-Terry.
-[all laughing]
282
00:15:12,821 --> 00:15:14,541
What play would you like to do?
283
00:15:14,620 --> 00:15:16,460
-Mamma Mia?
-Marley & Me!
284
00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:19,141
-Avatar!
-They're all films, not plays.
285
00:15:19,220 --> 00:15:20,500
Stuart Little?
286
00:15:21,261 --> 00:15:23,261
I saw a play once, it were in German,
287
00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:25,901
think it was about a lesbian
288
00:15:25,980 --> 00:15:28,421
trying to hang a curtain
over a broken window
289
00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:29,860
lasted three hours.
290
00:15:29,941 --> 00:15:32,460
-It were fucking brilliant.
-We're not doing that.
291
00:15:32,541 --> 00:15:34,620
What do you think we should do?
292
00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:36,460
What was the last play you saw?
293
00:15:39,661 --> 00:15:41,301
The Nativity?
294
00:15:41,381 --> 00:15:43,941
[all laughing]
295
00:15:44,021 --> 00:15:46,021
[Kelly] What d'you have to say that for?
296
00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:47,581
Christmas is ages away!
297
00:15:47,661 --> 00:15:49,261
That was the last play I saw...
298
00:15:49,340 --> 00:15:51,500
the last play I was in at school.
299
00:15:51,581 --> 00:15:53,421
I was the Inn Keeper.
300
00:15:54,701 --> 00:15:56,181
Were you any good?
301
00:15:56,261 --> 00:15:57,380
[knocking on door]
302
00:16:01,620 --> 00:16:03,661
[indistinct chatter]
303
00:16:03,740 --> 00:16:06,821
Come on. Come on!
304
00:16:09,980 --> 00:16:10,821
I was...
305
00:16:12,061 --> 00:16:13,460
brilliant.
306
00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:17,701
Just gonna go for a slash. [chuckles]
307
00:16:18,421 --> 00:16:22,421
[all laughing]
308
00:16:23,141 --> 00:16:24,181
[urinating]
309
00:16:24,261 --> 00:16:25,421
[Micky gasps]
310
00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:28,740
Woah. What d'ya want? What're you doing?
311
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:31,500
Not what I want, what I can give you.
312
00:16:32,941 --> 00:16:35,460
The best suck off you've ever had.
313
00:16:40,661 --> 00:16:41,620
Alright.
314
00:16:45,220 --> 00:16:46,541
Stud.
315
00:16:46,620 --> 00:16:47,860
Wait, listen.
316
00:16:49,421 --> 00:16:51,301
Woah woah, you don't want me!
317
00:16:51,380 --> 00:16:54,581
-Yeah I do.
-Just get off will ya!
318
00:16:54,661 --> 00:16:57,340
-I don't care if it's little.
-Eh.
319
00:16:57,421 --> 00:17:01,581
It's like a baby's arm
holding an apple, right.
320
00:17:01,661 --> 00:17:03,421
Un-hard. Stop!
321
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:05,860
You want to do it here? Right now?
322
00:17:05,940 --> 00:17:07,660
Casino first.
323
00:17:07,741 --> 00:17:12,581
Then we'll do whatever you want...
sugar lips.
324
00:17:18,140 --> 00:17:20,620
-Don't you fancy me?
-No.
325
00:17:20,701 --> 00:17:23,781
-[sobs]
-[Micky sighs]
326
00:17:24,781 --> 00:17:25,620
I do.
327
00:17:25,701 --> 00:17:29,101
You'd let me suck you off if you liked me,
if you thought I was pretty!
328
00:17:29,180 --> 00:17:31,940
You are pretty! It's just...
329
00:17:33,101 --> 00:17:35,821
I'm not the right man for you Lise.
330
00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:38,621
I'm no good. I'm...
331
00:17:39,501 --> 00:17:41,141
I'm useless.
332
00:17:41,221 --> 00:17:44,621
[Mimi distorted]...waste of space.
Lazy, pathetic, pointless,
333
00:17:44,701 --> 00:17:47,900
never amount to anything.
What are you for, Micky?
334
00:17:47,981 --> 00:17:50,180
What the fuck are you for?
335
00:17:54,461 --> 00:17:57,821
You need someone that won't let you down,
336
00:17:57,900 --> 00:18:02,101
someone who's dependable,
a real man like...
337
00:18:03,541 --> 00:18:04,821
like Terry.
338
00:18:04,900 --> 00:18:07,621
-Terry?
-[Micky] Oh, big time.
339
00:18:07,701 --> 00:18:10,221
I've seen the way
he looks at you and that.
340
00:18:10,301 --> 00:18:12,940
[Micky] He'd look after you as well.
341
00:18:13,021 --> 00:18:17,581
Y'know, he's a real man, a protector.
342
00:18:17,660 --> 00:18:20,660
He'd pick you up,
343
00:18:20,741 --> 00:18:22,621
in his arms.
344
00:18:22,701 --> 00:18:25,180
[Micky] And everyone would watch
345
00:18:25,261 --> 00:18:27,581
as he carried you...
346
00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:31,781
in his big, strong arms.
347
00:18:32,541 --> 00:18:34,940
[Micky] With your head leant
against his chest,
348
00:18:35,021 --> 00:18:37,940
his rock hard ripped and cut chest,
349
00:18:38,021 --> 00:18:41,541
pecs like stone, nipples like wheelnuts.
350
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:42,621
The heat of him...
351
00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:47,021
his breath on your face,
his heart beating through his solid chest
352
00:18:47,101 --> 00:18:49,061
as he holds you tight....
353
00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:55,021
being held close and tight...
354
00:18:56,381 --> 00:18:58,101
So you're gay.
355
00:18:59,861 --> 00:19:00,781
[Micky] Look, wait!
356
00:19:00,861 --> 00:19:03,381
Don't say owt will you?
357
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:06,461
Keep it between the two of us?
358
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:10,621
-Your secret's safe with me.
-[Micky sighs]
359
00:19:11,981 --> 00:19:14,861
-[Micky gasps]
-We won't say a word either.
360
00:19:14,940 --> 00:19:19,061
I won't, as long as you don't tell anyone
I've got Downs Syndrome.
361
00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:22,981
[chuckles]
362
00:19:23,061 --> 00:19:23,900
Deal.
363
00:19:23,981 --> 00:19:27,381
[all laughing]
364
00:19:38,341 --> 00:19:40,581
[Mimi] Been years since I did a burglary.
365
00:19:41,301 --> 00:19:44,501
We all used to do it together,
me, Paddy, the kids,
366
00:19:44,581 --> 00:19:48,180
proper family stuff...happy days.
367
00:19:48,261 --> 00:19:50,821
It was always a bit of a turn on for me.
368
00:19:50,900 --> 00:19:52,981
I'm getting a bit of a wide-on now.
369
00:19:53,061 --> 00:19:56,381
-[Billy chuckles]
-Job first though. Come on!
370
00:19:59,940 --> 00:20:03,301
-We all have skills right.
-I'm great on post codes.
371
00:20:03,381 --> 00:20:05,981
Name a place. Go on, test me. Test me!
372
00:20:06,861 --> 00:20:07,821
Chester Zoo?
373
00:20:08,700 --> 00:20:09,981
CH2.
374
00:20:10,700 --> 00:20:13,381
-Blackpool Pleasure Beach?
-FY4.
375
00:20:13,461 --> 00:20:17,381
-Brilliant! Buckingham Palace?
-Yeah, alright, alright! Fucking 'ell.
376
00:20:17,461 --> 00:20:20,741
I know every word to Gladiator
it's not going to make us a million.
377
00:20:20,821 --> 00:20:22,341
-SW1 1AA.
-Ssh!
378
00:20:22,420 --> 00:20:23,301
Sorry.
379
00:20:23,381 --> 00:20:27,821
Number boy's skills however
are a different kettle of fish.
380
00:20:27,900 --> 00:20:29,261
A kettle of fish?
381
00:20:29,341 --> 00:20:33,821
Limo. Casino. [laughing] Let's go to work.
382
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:36,741
["Little Green Bag" playing]
383
00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:46,861
♪ Yeah ♪
384
00:20:52,461 --> 00:20:55,981
♪ Lookin' back in the track
For a little green bag ♪
385
00:20:56,781 --> 00:21:01,261
♪ Got to find just a kind
Or losin' my mind ♪
386
00:21:01,341 --> 00:21:06,101
♪ Out of sight in the night,
Out of sight in the day ♪
387
00:21:06,180 --> 00:21:09,940
♪ Lookin' back in the track
Gonna do it my way ♪
388
00:21:10,700 --> 00:21:15,261
♪ Out of sight in the night
Out of sight in the day ♪
389
00:21:15,341 --> 00:21:19,341
♪ Lookin' back in the track
Gonna do it my way ♪
390
00:21:28,821 --> 00:21:31,061
♪ Lookin' for some happiness ♪
391
00:21:31,141 --> 00:21:37,341
♪ But there is so a loneliness to find ♪
392
00:21:37,420 --> 00:21:42,261
♪ Turn to the left turn to the right ♪
393
00:21:42,341 --> 00:21:47,460
♪ Lookin' upstairs lookin' behind ♪
394
00:21:47,541 --> 00:21:49,460
[alarm beeping]
395
00:21:50,781 --> 00:21:51,940
[thud]
396
00:21:53,061 --> 00:21:54,021
Hit me!
397
00:21:55,741 --> 00:22:00,301
[laughing, whooping]
398
00:22:07,621 --> 00:22:10,460
He's fucking useless!
Lost every fucking penny!
399
00:22:10,541 --> 00:22:12,381
He told me he was great with numbers!
400
00:22:12,460 --> 00:22:16,581
Zero eight zero eight one
five seven twenty twenty. Pizza delivery!
401
00:22:16,660 --> 00:22:19,341
I'm on about cards, Raymond!
Fucking cards!
402
00:22:19,420 --> 00:22:20,981
You can't even count to twenty-one,
you prick!
403
00:22:21,061 --> 00:22:23,221
-Hit me!
-[Micky] Don't tempt me!
404
00:22:23,301 --> 00:22:27,341
What was with that four hundred windows
seventy doors bollocks?
405
00:22:27,420 --> 00:22:29,221
Every day I have a smoke
out the back and I--
406
00:22:29,301 --> 00:22:30,501
Count it all.
407
00:22:30,581 --> 00:22:31,940
Stops me getting bored.
408
00:22:33,261 --> 00:22:35,621
-Can we have sex now?
-Unbelievable.
409
00:22:36,781 --> 00:22:39,660
[Michelle] I believe there was
a rehearsal here last night?
410
00:22:39,741 --> 00:22:45,180
A rehearsal without an appropriate leader,
i.e. you!
411
00:22:45,261 --> 00:22:47,261
-We went to the casino!
-[Micky sighs]
412
00:22:47,341 --> 00:22:50,700
Well, there won't be any more rehearsals.
413
00:22:50,781 --> 00:22:52,940
Not now, not ever.
414
00:22:53,021 --> 00:22:55,981
The building is closed
until further notice!
415
00:22:56,061 --> 00:22:59,900
-You can't do that.
-Can and have.
416
00:22:59,981 --> 00:23:04,021
And what's it got to do
with the talking sex doll?
417
00:23:04,101 --> 00:23:05,821
You can't shut the building!
418
00:23:05,900 --> 00:23:08,821
I can and I have.
419
00:23:08,900 --> 00:23:10,341
Health and safety.
420
00:23:11,541 --> 00:23:15,981
If Lise continues to insist
that she didn't push me
421
00:23:16,061 --> 00:23:19,221
down the stairs,
then I must have slipped.
422
00:23:19,301 --> 00:23:24,301
And the building closes until the Health
and Safety Executives have investigated.
423
00:23:24,381 --> 00:23:25,660
Thank you.
424
00:23:25,741 --> 00:23:26,660
Mum.
425
00:23:28,021 --> 00:23:31,381
Oh, and don't forget...
426
00:23:31,460 --> 00:23:35,101
No play, no community service!
427
00:23:35,180 --> 00:23:38,541
[Michelle] Bye bye outside,
hello Strangeways.
428
00:23:38,621 --> 00:23:40,141
[laughing]
429
00:23:42,460 --> 00:23:44,660
You've no sense
of a dramatic exit have you.
430
00:23:44,741 --> 00:23:46,821
-Brake's stuck, sorry.
-Here y'are.
431
00:23:53,541 --> 00:23:56,381
I'd walk away from them if I could,
the play and everything,
432
00:23:56,460 --> 00:23:58,621
if it meant I weren't walking
towards prison.
433
00:23:58,700 --> 00:24:02,821
-Thanks a lot.
-No offence, it's just...
434
00:24:02,900 --> 00:24:05,581
Well, we've got a few rivals inside
at the moment, y'know.
435
00:24:05,660 --> 00:24:08,301
Wouldn't be much of a holiday for me.
436
00:24:08,381 --> 00:24:10,261
I could tell them I pushed her.
437
00:24:10,341 --> 00:24:12,981
-[Terry] No.
-She'd let us back into the building.
438
00:24:13,061 --> 00:24:16,660
-She wouldn't, she's an evil bitch.
-That must be destroyed!
439
00:24:16,741 --> 00:24:18,101
-Steady on.
-Sorry.
440
00:24:18,180 --> 00:24:20,541
We could find somewhere else
to put the play on.
441
00:24:20,621 --> 00:24:22,460
And keep Micky out of Sing Sing.
442
00:24:22,541 --> 00:24:23,821
Where?
443
00:24:25,061 --> 00:24:28,301
You two are all over each other
like tics on a tramps vest.
444
00:24:28,381 --> 00:24:29,581
What's the secret?
445
00:24:29,660 --> 00:24:32,021
We've discovered the secret to happiness.
446
00:24:32,101 --> 00:24:33,460
White wine and night nurse?
447
00:24:33,541 --> 00:24:36,381
[Mimi] Doing something together
that we both enjoy.
448
00:24:36,460 --> 00:24:39,741
-[Billy] D'you fancy doing it again?
-Tonight? [chuckles]
449
00:24:39,821 --> 00:24:41,700
[kiss]
450
00:24:41,781 --> 00:24:43,900
Y'know I'm only using the play as a ruse.
451
00:24:43,981 --> 00:24:45,621
-Oh yeah?
-Yeah.
452
00:24:45,700 --> 00:24:47,221
I'm training 'em up aren't I?
453
00:24:47,301 --> 00:24:51,381
Think about it.
They'll be the best drug dealers.
454
00:24:51,460 --> 00:24:54,700
They're methodical, practical,
they won't use the produce
455
00:24:54,781 --> 00:24:58,460
and the best thing is...
the filth won't suspect them.
456
00:24:58,541 --> 00:24:59,781
Look at 'em.
457
00:25:02,101 --> 00:25:04,061
What's this? Attack of the--
458
00:25:04,141 --> 00:25:07,101
-[Frank screams]
-[Ray] Bollocks! You smelly old tramp.
459
00:25:07,180 --> 00:25:09,460
It's time we started standing up
for ourselves.
460
00:25:10,781 --> 00:25:13,021
Fucking set of-- [screaming]
461
00:25:15,101 --> 00:25:19,061
Before you say owt
I know they're going to kill me, one day.
462
00:25:19,940 --> 00:25:22,660
It's not you I'm worried about,
it's your baby.
463
00:25:22,741 --> 00:25:24,180
[laughing]
464
00:25:24,261 --> 00:25:26,141
Your baby doesn't have a choice.
465
00:25:27,220 --> 00:25:29,541
I'm not pregnant sweetheart!
466
00:25:29,621 --> 00:25:32,861
Trapped wind
and a little bit of heartburn.
467
00:25:32,940 --> 00:25:36,501
Always going to the toilet.
You're having a baby.
468
00:25:37,700 --> 00:25:38,940
[Micky] Great news.
469
00:25:40,301 --> 00:25:41,581
Great news.
470
00:25:42,220 --> 00:25:46,301
Jamie has said that we can rehearse
and put the show on in here, providing...
471
00:25:48,101 --> 00:25:49,900
you lot run a few errands for him...
472
00:25:51,541 --> 00:25:52,541
Ten pound each yeah?
473
00:25:53,180 --> 00:25:55,341
And we'll invite heads from the council,
474
00:25:55,420 --> 00:25:58,301
see if we can get a bit of funding
and we can open our own centre
475
00:25:58,381 --> 00:26:02,261
right here in the Chatsworth! [laughing]
476
00:26:05,420 --> 00:26:10,381
-Or somewhere else?
-[all cheering]
477
00:26:10,460 --> 00:26:12,180
Now come on you band of biffers!
478
00:26:12,261 --> 00:26:16,900
-[all] Fuck off! Wanker!
479
00:26:19,460 --> 00:26:21,981
-[Kelly] D'ya think this is gonna work.
-It has to.
480
00:26:22,061 --> 00:26:24,900
Not just for mi' freedom but also...
481
00:26:24,981 --> 00:26:28,180
to show those snide fuckers round here,
always taking the piss.
482
00:26:31,460 --> 00:26:35,660
[hammering]
483
00:26:39,061 --> 00:26:40,821
[laughing]
484
00:26:48,220 --> 00:26:51,861
-You sure about this?
-Yes!
485
00:26:51,940 --> 00:26:56,821
But in the Bible,
Joseph didn't saw anyone in half.
486
00:26:56,900 --> 00:26:58,821
It's artistic license.
487
00:26:58,900 --> 00:27:01,781
It doesn't say
that he didn't saw anyone in half.
488
00:27:01,861 --> 00:27:06,381
And he was a joiner,
so he'd have had saws and shit
489
00:27:06,460 --> 00:27:08,101
and maybe a bit of curiosity.
490
00:27:09,061 --> 00:27:10,501
[Micky] Trust me.
491
00:27:10,581 --> 00:27:12,180
[sawing, hammering]
492
00:27:13,341 --> 00:27:14,741
It's a boy.
493
00:27:16,541 --> 00:27:18,101
I'm not pregnant.
494
00:27:18,180 --> 00:27:21,741
The ring never lies. It's a boy.
495
00:27:22,821 --> 00:27:25,460
My husband is infertile.
496
00:27:25,541 --> 00:27:26,741
Oh...
497
00:27:29,141 --> 00:27:30,700
S'funny.
498
00:27:30,781 --> 00:27:33,741
But if you've only been having sex
with your husband...
499
00:27:42,940 --> 00:27:45,420
Guess this isn't just
about the paint on my carpet?
500
00:27:50,541 --> 00:27:53,501
[Lillian] Want a bit of help, sweetheart?
501
00:27:53,581 --> 00:27:54,501
Cost you.
502
00:27:55,301 --> 00:27:57,700
What happened to the milk
of human kindness?
503
00:27:57,781 --> 00:28:00,021
Ohh... turned to cheese.
504
00:28:00,101 --> 00:28:02,460
Twenty quid an hour,
get all the help you need.
505
00:28:02,541 --> 00:28:06,341
One part white spirit, two parts water'll
shift that in next to no time.
506
00:28:07,180 --> 00:28:08,581
[sighs]
507
00:28:10,101 --> 00:28:13,341
[phone rings]
508
00:28:13,420 --> 00:28:14,900
[phone beeps]
509
00:28:17,341 --> 00:28:21,061
OK I'm not a big believer in miracles,
especially not round here
510
00:28:21,141 --> 00:28:23,940
so we can rule out
another immaculate conception
511
00:28:25,541 --> 00:28:28,061
-and Shane's infertile...
-[Kelly scoffs]
512
00:28:30,861 --> 00:28:32,341
It's Marty...
513
00:28:35,341 --> 00:28:37,180
You never go bareback?
514
00:28:37,261 --> 00:28:39,741
It wasn't business...
it was more than that.
515
00:28:40,621 --> 00:28:41,541
Are you sure--
516
00:28:41,621 --> 00:28:43,541
What happens when all turns to shit?
517
00:28:44,821 --> 00:28:46,021
[sobs]
518
00:28:46,101 --> 00:28:47,700
What am I gonna do?
519
00:28:47,781 --> 00:28:50,261
-We can sort this--
-I'm not getting rid of it.
520
00:28:51,180 --> 00:28:54,381
[Kelly] This is all we've... me and Shane,
521
00:28:54,460 --> 00:28:57,220
it's all we've ever wanted...
522
00:28:57,301 --> 00:28:59,341
-And...
-[phone ringing]
523
00:28:59,420 --> 00:29:00,301
[Kelly sobs]
524
00:29:00,381 --> 00:29:02,460
[sighs]
525
00:29:02,541 --> 00:29:03,700
I can't tell him.
526
00:29:05,460 --> 00:29:08,101
-You're gonna have to tell him something.
-I can't!
527
00:29:08,180 --> 00:29:10,341
He's gonna find out sooner or later.
528
00:29:11,180 --> 00:29:13,781
[sniffles]
529
00:29:15,541 --> 00:29:17,061
[upbeat music]
530
00:29:17,141 --> 00:29:20,021
[indistinct chatter, laughter]
531
00:29:21,420 --> 00:29:22,741
[laughing]
532
00:29:31,180 --> 00:29:33,861
[laughing]
533
00:29:37,141 --> 00:29:39,541
[laughing]
534
00:29:41,460 --> 00:29:44,101
[Avril] Watch yourself Rain Man!
535
00:29:44,900 --> 00:29:46,940
-What d'ya think?
-Perfect!
536
00:29:48,341 --> 00:29:51,420
[hammering]
537
00:29:52,781 --> 00:29:55,220
-What?
-Why don't you just talk to Terry.
538
00:29:57,061 --> 00:29:58,940
I know he likes you.
539
00:29:59,021 --> 00:30:00,261
It's not that easy...
540
00:30:00,341 --> 00:30:03,180
It was alright for you to barge
in to the bogs and offer me a gob-job.
541
00:30:03,261 --> 00:30:05,101
That was just sex.
542
00:30:05,180 --> 00:30:06,581
It's different with Terry...
543
00:30:06,660 --> 00:30:08,061
I don't know what I feel.
544
00:30:10,621 --> 00:30:13,741
Sometimes it's hard to tell someone
what's really going on.
545
00:30:15,621 --> 00:30:18,180
-[Shane] Hey I've been ringing you.
-Oh right,
546
00:30:18,261 --> 00:30:20,420
mi' phone's been on silent for rehearsals.
547
00:30:20,501 --> 00:30:22,980
-Have you finished?
-No! We've only just started.
548
00:30:23,061 --> 00:30:25,261
I've got a job on. You gonna be alright?
549
00:30:25,341 --> 00:30:27,781
I can't take her with me, it's too
dangerous.
550
00:30:27,861 --> 00:30:31,141
-[Cilla crying]
-[Shane] She can be the baby Jesus.
551
00:30:31,220 --> 00:30:33,141
[Cilla cooing]
552
00:30:34,420 --> 00:30:38,021
-[electric buzz]
-[Christmas song playing]
553
00:30:38,101 --> 00:30:41,501
My only concern now
is getting a crowd in to see it,
554
00:30:41,581 --> 00:30:43,261
an audience you know.
555
00:30:43,341 --> 00:30:46,021
[Micky] Who's gonna wanna come
and see this lot do the Nativity
556
00:30:46,101 --> 00:30:47,900
when it's not even Christmas?
557
00:30:47,980 --> 00:30:51,220
Why can't it be Christmas?
Tills are always bursting.
558
00:30:51,301 --> 00:30:52,900
I love Christmas!
559
00:30:59,220 --> 00:31:00,741
[suspenseful music]
560
00:31:09,821 --> 00:31:10,781
[thud]
561
00:31:12,301 --> 00:31:13,781
[Mimi shouts]
562
00:31:13,861 --> 00:31:15,460
[Billy] I'm sorry. Y'alright?!
563
00:31:15,541 --> 00:31:17,381
[Mimi] No. Twisted mi' knee.
564
00:31:17,460 --> 00:31:21,621
[in pain] It needs support,
I need a bandage...
565
00:31:24,180 --> 00:31:25,741
[crying]
566
00:31:25,821 --> 00:31:26,861
Ow!
567
00:31:34,301 --> 00:31:35,460
Owww!
568
00:31:35,541 --> 00:31:37,141
I'm sorry!
569
00:31:37,220 --> 00:31:38,460
[Billy] Will it be OK?
570
00:31:43,501 --> 00:31:45,021
'It hasn't got an alarm'.
571
00:31:45,101 --> 00:31:49,900
Instead it has a private security company
with a direct link to the filth
572
00:31:49,980 --> 00:31:52,180
-perfect!
-They'll send me down for this. I know it!
573
00:31:52,261 --> 00:31:55,180
-Oh grow up.
-I can't go to prison. I'm too young!
574
00:31:55,261 --> 00:31:59,621
We'll get our brief on to it,
be away on some technicality, don't worry.
575
00:31:59,700 --> 00:32:01,301
But what if we don't?
576
00:32:01,381 --> 00:32:04,781
I'll pack you some lube.
Pretty boy like you...
577
00:32:14,700 --> 00:32:16,301
Dozy bastard.
578
00:32:27,301 --> 00:32:28,660
[siren]
579
00:32:34,061 --> 00:32:37,541
-We should've gone back to the car.
-He'd have seen us.
580
00:32:38,141 --> 00:32:40,740
[Billy] Ring Shane or someone,
ask 'em to pick us up.
581
00:32:40,821 --> 00:32:42,141
Where's your phone?
582
00:32:42,900 --> 00:32:44,821
In the car. Where's your phone?
583
00:32:44,900 --> 00:32:46,861
[sighs] In the car.
584
00:32:49,180 --> 00:32:51,141
Fuck! What're we gonna do?
585
00:32:51,781 --> 00:32:53,141
I dunno.
586
00:32:54,381 --> 00:32:56,021
Paddy'd know what to do.
587
00:32:56,101 --> 00:32:59,141
He would, one clever fuck that one,
588
00:32:59,220 --> 00:33:02,781
great under pressure,
always thinking on his feet you know.
589
00:33:02,861 --> 00:33:06,220
That's the answer to our problems then!
Do a seance and ask Paddy what to do.
590
00:33:08,301 --> 00:33:09,420
[Billy exhales]
591
00:33:12,420 --> 00:33:13,301
Sorry.
592
00:33:15,141 --> 00:33:16,501
No, I'm sorry.
593
00:33:18,061 --> 00:33:20,141
Right, we can't get a cab,
594
00:33:20,220 --> 00:33:23,501
we can't hitch a lift,
not with these so...
595
00:33:23,581 --> 00:33:24,821
We'll walk.
596
00:33:24,900 --> 00:33:26,220
We can't, it's too risky.
597
00:33:26,301 --> 00:33:29,700
Filth are looking for us.
We need somewhere to lay low til morning.
598
00:33:43,341 --> 00:33:45,621
We shouldn't be doing this.
599
00:33:45,700 --> 00:33:49,101
-It's a church.
-Hardly.
600
00:33:49,180 --> 00:33:51,021
[Mimi] It's one of God's houses.
601
00:33:51,101 --> 00:33:53,781
[Bully] Hasn't paid his council tax
by looks of it.
602
00:33:53,861 --> 00:33:55,861
That's blasphemous.
603
00:33:55,940 --> 00:33:58,621
What? It's alright to break
into offices and nick stuff,
604
00:33:58,700 --> 00:34:01,541
but it's not alright to walk
into an unlocked church?
605
00:34:01,621 --> 00:34:03,821
I've got morals.
606
00:34:03,900 --> 00:34:08,141
[sighs] Don't look
like it's in use now anyway. Come on.
607
00:34:08,220 --> 00:34:09,421
[clang]
608
00:34:09,501 --> 00:34:11,421
-[Mimi] What you doing?
-[Billy] Looking.
609
00:34:11,501 --> 00:34:14,981
-[Mimi] For what?
-[Billy] A saw or summat to get these off.
610
00:34:15,061 --> 00:34:18,141
[Mimi]
Oh yeah, always get a saw in a church.
611
00:34:18,220 --> 00:34:20,941
Drink this, it's the blood of Christ,
this is his body
612
00:34:21,021 --> 00:34:22,740
and this is his saw.
613
00:34:22,820 --> 00:34:25,501
What's your big plan?
You're the brains of the outfit.
614
00:34:25,581 --> 00:34:27,581
I am the brains of the outfit.
615
00:34:27,660 --> 00:34:30,340
Well what am I then?
A piece of meat? A fuck machine?
616
00:34:31,501 --> 00:34:35,180
Have a bit of respect.
Swearing in a place of worship!
617
00:34:36,421 --> 00:34:37,860
[Billy] I don't give a shit.
618
00:34:38,740 --> 00:34:40,101
Oh, hang on...
619
00:34:42,621 --> 00:34:43,660
[thud]
620
00:34:44,820 --> 00:34:46,501
Thank you, God.
621
00:34:48,941 --> 00:34:52,260
[helicopter flying]
622
00:34:52,340 --> 00:34:55,141
Copper chopper.
623
00:34:55,220 --> 00:34:56,501
Pigs will fly.
624
00:34:56,581 --> 00:34:59,021
-Come on, hurry up.
-I'm going as fast as I can.
625
00:34:59,101 --> 00:35:03,461
-We'll be be here forever at this rate.
-It'd go quicker if I sawed your wrist.
626
00:35:03,541 --> 00:35:06,101
-You're going to hell, you.
-What, and you're not?
627
00:35:06,181 --> 00:35:11,181
I pray, I repent, I go to confession.
628
00:35:11,261 --> 00:35:13,141
I don't get why you believe
in all that shit.
629
00:35:13,221 --> 00:35:15,581
After everything I've been through?
630
00:35:22,461 --> 00:35:25,581
I have to believe my dead children
are in a better place
631
00:35:25,661 --> 00:35:30,581
because if I thought that this was it,
that life was just this,
632
00:35:30,661 --> 00:35:32,941
with nothing at the end...
633
00:35:33,941 --> 00:35:35,901
then I'd just give up.
634
00:35:47,141 --> 00:35:48,901
[Billy] Maybe...
635
00:35:48,981 --> 00:35:53,661
you need to start looking at 'this'
a bit differently.
636
00:35:53,741 --> 00:35:55,461
That was then,
637
00:35:55,541 --> 00:35:57,661
this is now.
638
00:35:57,741 --> 00:36:00,901
You, me and Cilla...
639
00:36:10,501 --> 00:36:13,221
[sawing]
640
00:36:20,501 --> 00:36:23,701
-[Billy gasps]
-[both sigh]
641
00:36:24,461 --> 00:36:26,501
[helicopter flying]
642
00:36:28,300 --> 00:36:30,780
Kinda liked having you by mi' side.
643
00:36:31,541 --> 00:36:32,780
[exhales]
644
00:36:33,541 --> 00:36:35,581
Maybe we should make it more permanent...
645
00:36:35,661 --> 00:36:36,981
You having a laugh?
646
00:36:37,061 --> 00:36:39,661
No. Will you marry me?
647
00:36:47,421 --> 00:36:51,340
[chatter]
648
00:37:01,501 --> 00:37:02,901
[Micky] Everyone alright?
649
00:37:03,581 --> 00:37:05,901
How you doing? Nervous?
650
00:37:06,860 --> 00:37:08,661
I've still not had a shag!
651
00:37:08,741 --> 00:37:10,621
Who the fuck are you supposed to be?
652
00:37:11,780 --> 00:37:12,621
Inn Keeper.
653
00:37:13,340 --> 00:37:15,261
I've still not shagged a woman yet.
654
00:37:15,340 --> 00:37:17,501
What's with all the blue paint?
655
00:37:18,141 --> 00:37:20,421
[sighs] Oh I get it,
it's fucking Avatar innit?
656
00:37:21,541 --> 00:37:23,340
Avatar Inn Keeper!
657
00:37:23,421 --> 00:37:25,981
But... [sighs]
658
00:37:26,061 --> 00:37:27,501
never mind.
659
00:37:28,581 --> 00:37:31,981
Terry I just wanted to have a quick word
with you about the last scene.
660
00:37:32,061 --> 00:37:37,461
Now I know we've not rehearsed it
but Joseph should kiss Mary at the end.
661
00:37:37,541 --> 00:37:39,021
It's Lise's idea.
662
00:37:42,661 --> 00:37:47,021
But in the Bible Mary
and Joseph don't kiss.
663
00:37:49,741 --> 00:37:51,621
But it doesn't say they didn't either.
664
00:37:51,701 --> 00:37:54,461
They probably did a lot more
besides kissing, I mean...
665
00:37:54,541 --> 00:37:57,340
you're up the duff
and it's not your husbands
666
00:37:57,421 --> 00:38:00,581
you're gonna have to do a bit more
than kissing to make him sweet aren't you?
667
00:38:00,661 --> 00:38:01,501
[Micky] I mean...
668
00:38:01,581 --> 00:38:03,380
[gagging]
669
00:38:03,461 --> 00:38:05,141
[laughing] Think about it.
670
00:38:05,221 --> 00:38:08,741
Mary's giving Joseph a blow-job?
671
00:38:08,820 --> 00:38:13,421
No! Not in our play. After who knows?
But just a kiss for now?
672
00:38:15,820 --> 00:38:17,860
[exhales] Never mind.
673
00:38:22,340 --> 00:38:24,661
[Micky] Lise?
674
00:38:24,741 --> 00:38:28,181
I've just had a chat with Terry
and he's come up with this great idea
675
00:38:28,261 --> 00:38:31,221
that Mary and Joseph kiss at the end.
676
00:38:31,300 --> 00:38:32,901
All his idea.
677
00:38:37,780 --> 00:38:39,340
Like a dream.
678
00:38:39,421 --> 00:38:40,820
Call an ambulance!
679
00:38:40,901 --> 00:38:42,221
He's passed out.
680
00:38:42,300 --> 00:38:43,941
[Max] It must've been the paint!
681
00:38:44,021 --> 00:38:45,101
[laughing]
682
00:38:45,181 --> 00:38:47,780
[Carl] Don't worry Micky, leave him to us.
683
00:38:47,860 --> 00:38:50,421
[laughing]
684
00:38:50,501 --> 00:38:52,741
[Frank] You'll need
a new innkeeper now Micky.
685
00:38:52,820 --> 00:38:54,941
[Kelly] He's not gonna be doing the show.
686
00:38:55,021 --> 00:38:57,181
-What are you gonna do?
-Michael Maguire?
687
00:38:59,300 --> 00:39:02,300
-Depends.
-We spoke earlier. I'm from the council.
688
00:39:02,380 --> 00:39:05,261
-Brilliant! Innit?
-Oh yeah, great!
689
00:39:05,340 --> 00:39:08,741
We're so chuffed you could come,
you'll see what this group have done
690
00:39:08,820 --> 00:39:11,181
and maybe bung 'em a bit of cash
to get their own centre and that.
691
00:39:11,261 --> 00:39:12,820
[council man] I'm the Health
and Safety Executive
692
00:39:12,901 --> 00:39:15,581
here will be no public performance
on these premises.
693
00:39:15,661 --> 00:39:19,501
The set have to be fire-proofed,
there are no fire exit signs displayed,
694
00:39:19,581 --> 00:39:20,860
a risk of overcrowding...
695
00:39:20,941 --> 00:39:23,901
But this lot have got a performance
in less than an hour!
696
00:39:23,981 --> 00:39:26,021
Well, you have to cancel.
697
00:39:27,261 --> 00:39:30,581
Notification of intention to prosecute
if you fail to abide.
698
00:39:31,181 --> 00:39:32,421
Cancel.
699
00:39:33,501 --> 00:39:34,621
So that's that then.
700
00:39:34,701 --> 00:39:38,461
No stage, no Inn Keeper... no show.
701
00:39:44,501 --> 00:39:48,421
I've not worked my bollocks off
for nothing.
702
00:39:48,501 --> 00:39:49,941
[Micky] We are doing it.
703
00:39:54,541 --> 00:39:56,981
[people cheering]
704
00:39:58,581 --> 00:40:00,421
[donkey braying]
705
00:40:00,501 --> 00:40:04,261
[booing]
706
00:40:04,981 --> 00:40:08,661
[Frank] Bugger off,
can't you see it's the second coming?
707
00:40:12,621 --> 00:40:14,701
[chatter ends]
708
00:40:14,780 --> 00:40:21,300
All of the hotels,
and the pubs are all full.
709
00:40:21,380 --> 00:40:23,621
Man United must be playing!
710
00:40:23,701 --> 00:40:28,901
This is the last Inn for miles.
711
00:40:34,820 --> 00:40:36,300
[knocking on door]
712
00:40:38,501 --> 00:40:42,340
[all laughing]
713
00:40:47,741 --> 00:40:52,501
Hello. My wife Mary is with child.
714
00:40:52,581 --> 00:40:56,261
We need a bed for the night.
715
00:40:56,340 --> 00:41:01,780
Do you have room at your Inn?
716
00:41:13,340 --> 00:41:14,421
[Lise] Go on.
717
00:41:21,380 --> 00:41:25,261
Do you have room at your Inn?
718
00:41:28,181 --> 00:41:29,261
Go on.
719
00:41:32,380 --> 00:41:35,021
We haven't got any room, I'm sorry.
720
00:41:36,981 --> 00:41:37,981
Gutted.
721
00:41:41,780 --> 00:41:43,461
I tell you what though.
722
00:41:43,541 --> 00:41:44,901
[stutters]
723
00:41:45,820 --> 00:41:51,261
We've got a sort of stable round there.
You can have that if you want?
724
00:41:52,421 --> 00:41:53,981
Thank you sir.
725
00:41:54,061 --> 00:41:56,981
Thank you for your kindness.
726
00:41:57,061 --> 00:41:58,261
Nice one.
727
00:42:02,741 --> 00:42:06,860
[all cheering]
728
00:42:06,941 --> 00:42:09,061
[applause, cheering]
729
00:42:14,581 --> 00:42:15,941
[knocking on door]
730
00:42:16,021 --> 00:42:17,741
I've already told you,
we haven't got any room.
731
00:42:17,820 --> 00:42:20,621
-[Mimi] The bizzies are after us.
-[Micky] Get in.
732
00:42:20,701 --> 00:42:25,021
[both laughing]
733
00:42:25,101 --> 00:42:28,021
[people cheering]
734
00:42:28,101 --> 00:42:30,181
[Billy] Will you marry me?
735
00:42:34,820 --> 00:42:40,541
[Lise screaming in pain]
736
00:42:41,221 --> 00:42:42,261
[Kelly screaming]
737
00:42:42,340 --> 00:42:46,380
It's like squeezing a bowling ball
through the eye of a fucking needle!
738
00:42:46,461 --> 00:42:48,501
-[exhaling]
-Hardly.
739
00:42:48,581 --> 00:42:51,221
[all] Ohh!
740
00:42:53,261 --> 00:42:55,380
[applause]
741
00:42:56,581 --> 00:42:59,061
I'm not going to the hospital
'til I've got a shag!
742
00:42:59,141 --> 00:43:00,901
Don't look at me.
743
00:43:00,981 --> 00:43:02,541
Or me.
744
00:43:04,941 --> 00:43:07,181
[electronic music]
745
00:43:07,261 --> 00:43:11,421
[all singing]
746
00:43:31,421 --> 00:43:33,340
[Micky] There is magic everywhere.
747
00:43:33,421 --> 00:43:36,900
But only if you believe.
That's what people say, innit?
748
00:43:36,981 --> 00:43:38,221
You know they type of people.
749
00:43:38,300 --> 00:43:41,261
They go on about star signs,
angels and shit.
750
00:43:41,340 --> 00:43:45,421
You have DVD boxsets of Friends
and they cry at greeting cards.
751
00:43:45,501 --> 00:43:47,380
But they're usually single.
752
00:43:47,461 --> 00:43:49,780
You won't find magic with a bunch
of weekend hippies
753
00:43:49,860 --> 00:43:52,021
at Glastonbury squatting on lay-lines.
754
00:43:52,101 --> 00:43:55,900
Oh yeah, they've all got henna tattoos
and a set of crystals.
755
00:43:55,981 --> 00:43:59,820
♪ Somewhere ♪
756
00:44:00,421 --> 00:44:03,741
[Micky] You want real magic,
you go to Creamfields with a spliff,
757
00:44:03,820 --> 00:44:07,061
a bag of pills in one hand,
bag of mushrooms in the other.
758
00:44:07,141 --> 00:44:11,780
♪ We'll find a way of forgiving ♪
759
00:44:13,581 --> 00:44:15,501
[cheering]
760
00:44:21,181 --> 00:44:24,021
That was alright, that. For a dickhead.
761
00:44:24,101 --> 00:44:26,501
[Micky] The real secret is,
762
00:44:26,581 --> 00:44:29,581
you have to work hard for magic.
763
00:44:29,661 --> 00:44:31,621
It's not handed to you on a plate.
764
00:44:33,021 --> 00:44:36,581
The universe dun't give a flying fuck
about your pissy little existence.
765
00:44:38,621 --> 00:44:39,780
Mam!
766
00:44:47,101 --> 00:44:52,181
[Micky] Close the book, stop chanting,
ringing your bells and open your eyes.
767
00:44:52,261 --> 00:44:55,461
You want magic?
Make it fucking happen then!
768
00:44:55,541 --> 00:44:59,860
[all singing]
769
00:45:03,061 --> 00:45:05,820
Billy Tutton is doing me the honour
of making me his wife.
770
00:45:05,900 --> 00:45:08,780
A match made
in Jeremy Kyle ratings heaven.
771
00:45:08,860 --> 00:45:10,900
-I didn't get rid of it.
-Shane loves kids.
772
00:45:10,981 --> 00:45:12,181
I've moved on.
773
00:45:12,261 --> 00:45:14,941
-[thud]
-Are you going to him?
774
00:45:15,021 --> 00:45:16,181
There is no one.
775
00:45:16,261 --> 00:45:18,621
Pack whatever possessions
you've accumulated in your tender years
776
00:45:18,701 --> 00:45:20,741
and you fuck off as far away
from our mum as possible.
777
00:45:20,820 --> 00:45:23,340
If you want to get rid of me,
you'll have to do it your way.
778
00:45:23,421 --> 00:45:24,661
[Jamie] Grab him!
779
00:45:26,461 --> 00:45:28,820
You'll learn to love me again,
I know you will.
780
00:45:32,181 --> 00:45:33,860
[grunting]
781
00:45:33,941 --> 00:45:36,380
[outro music]
782
00:46:12,541 --> 00:46:14,461
[music fades out]
783
00:46:14,541 --> 00:46:17,581
And then we put the egg in, like so.
784
00:46:18,780 --> 00:46:21,581
And then we say the magic words.
785
00:46:21,661 --> 00:46:25,380
Fish and chippingtons! [laughing]
786
00:46:26,981 --> 00:46:28,181
A better look...
787
00:46:32,101 --> 00:46:36,181
It's not worked, but...
You have a go [chuckles]
788
00:46:38,061 --> 00:46:41,661
[hen clucking]
789
00:46:44,101 --> 00:46:45,421
[Micky grunts]
790
00:46:45,501 --> 00:46:49,340
[hen clucking]
791
00:46:49,421 --> 00:46:50,581
[hen shrieks]
792
00:46:50,661 --> 00:46:52,941
[laughing]
87989
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