Original subtitles

-[tapping] -[intro music]

Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt,

needs to watch their back. [cries out]

So, you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk,

sending prices sky high,

literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots.

And now you've got your con-dem-nation.

Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.

Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?

Is revolution a word or was it never?

Anybody watching, needs to know

we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.

Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester

and they charge us for water!

I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found,

this green and pleasant land in ancient times...

Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!

It's not theirs anymore.

-This is our England now. -[cheering]

Party!

[intro music]

[intro music fades out]

-[people laughing] -[pop music]

[Micky] I always felt I was different,

I never believed that I fitted in.

Life is... ordinary! But I was special.

I used to think I'm not a part of this, I can't be. I must be adopted!

My real mum and dad were film stars, yeah,

they couldn't look after me because of their careers

but one day... one day...

-Fish and chips! -they'll come back for me.

My real parents will tip up in a big fuck off limo

and whisk me off to a better life...

'Scuse me Mister? I really want to do magic.

Can you teach me?

[Micky] And then I learnt...

-Fuck off, kid. -...that there's no such thing as magic

or the Tooth Fairy or Father Christmas.

It's like flying pigs, they don't exist.

We just have to make do with what we've got.

Come on. It's good for you.

[Micky] Eh?

Look, if you don't eat it right,

Mr Cuddles's banana brains will be splattered all over the wall!

[imitates gunshot]

[Kelly] I know how you feel.

I can't do a thing with this today, it's flat as a gymnasts chest.

[Micky] Helicopter!

-[Micky imitates helicopter] -[Cilla cries]

Look, if you don't eat it right, then the helicopter will crash.

-[imitates helicopter] -[Billy] Let 'em die.

[Cilla cries]

-S'there a brew going or what? -Yeah. In the kettle.

That's mine.

-Got your name in it? -Yeah, it has.

-S'that porridge? -No it's a kebab.

She prefers Chocky-Choc Pops, with a bit of sugar on.

Is that what you feed her?

It's no wonder she won't touch it she's holding out for a sugar fix.

That stuff will rot her teeth.

They're her baby ones, she'll get a new set when she's older.

If she gets older! The shit you're pumping into her.

-You're not fit to be a parent. -And you are?

-Well I'm more qualified than you are! -Who's the daddy?

-Who's the daddy? -I'm the daddy?

-Where's your tool? -You're a tool!

Woah, woah woahhh! Pack it in!

It's not about you, or about how good you are, it's about her!

[spoon bonking]

Smaller spoon.

S'like when you're feeding a poorly snake you chop up the mice up with the scissors.

[door closes]

-Right you set of lazy bastards! -Morning.

I've got piles of bills here falling out of me arse

and what are you lot doing about it?

Fuck all! I need every single one of you worthless shites

to start pulling in some serious money!

-Today! -Er, I'm out there grafting already.

I thought we were going to town? Get mi' a new trackie?

I've got a golden shower booked in at ten.

And I've got my community service.

Prancing about in tights in't community service.

-Yer what? -I picked up needles and shit

when I did service. Him? He's doing 'drama', plays and that.

Maybe the magistrate saw something in me.

What like? Big fucking gayness? [laughing]

You're not mi' dad!

[Micky] I reckon the magistrate was knocked out by me, you know

saw I had a bit of summatt about me...

[Michelle] Bastard. Bastard. Fucking bastard.

-Coz I've done loads of acting me... -[Michelle] See how you like that.

I was the Inn Keeper, well...

I played an opportunistic businessman in a historical drama.

Yeah and I did a film, Taxi Driver, it was fucking mint

I mean it was mint. Soz.

I just really want to make a success out of this,

I think I'm turning a corner you know.

If I can just get this community service sentence out of the way...

[Michelle] Bastard!

-[Micky] Good news? -[Michelle] My ex.

Ran off with mi' best friend!

You really missing her?

I'll get his knees done if you want? Put him in a wheelchair and that...

Joke! [laughing]

[Micky] No, I know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship.

Mi' step dad nicks my clothes right, he's using one of my t-shirts to sleep...

And he hits me,

I mean proper hits me.

-He's cracked mi' ribs and that. -In here.

[upbeat music]

I think there's been a mistake.

You shouldn't have called the magistrate a 'fucking mong'.

-He was a fucking mong. -He'd had a stroke.

And?

[music stops]

Dropped down dead from a brain tumour.

-Age? -Fifty seven.

[Patty] Oh here's another good one!

Father of two, forty seven, knocked down by a bus, forty seven.

Morbid old crones.

They make Goth Dave look like a children's television presenter.

Two halves a cider, one with black. That's the one with black.

Can I have some cash for the pool table?

Cheers.

He acts like a child. But then again he is.

Would you get him a glass of lemonade? Or does the sugar make him hyper?

Oh, careful what you say now.

there are children about

and we don't want them picking up any bad language now, do we.

[both laughing]

[little Billy] Mummy?

Can I have a bag of crisps please?

-Oh! -[all laughing]

You need to man-up.

That... my... dear young friend,

is... the... theory

that the corrupt French drama

has been propounding...

Aw, you've been smoking!

This will be a million times better than the shit you're inhaling there.

-It's Salford Skunk. -[Ray] Shop local, like it.

Thai Stick, pure quality.

I'm autistic so it focuses mi' mind and it's good for... concentration.

D'you like it here?

S'all right, usually a bit better when we haven't got the thrush.

Irritating twat.

And to be honest, I prefer numbers to words me anyway.

For example...

from here I can see...

eighty trees, seventy two yellow lines, four hundred and twelve railings,

seventeen traffic lights, twelve satellite dishes, three cameras,

sixty four windows, twenty four cars, and two dead pigeons.

[Ray laughs]

You know all that by looking at them?

-The other thing I like is-- -Never mind that!

-D'ya fancy going to a casino one night? -The other thing I like is women.

I want to shag a woman.

I bet you've shagged loads of women? What's it like?

Messy.

Anyway fuck that.

D'ya want to come to the casino one night with me,

pull in some serious money?

Get me a woman to shag and I'll come to the casino.

[Shane] The community service dickheads proudly present

'Litter Pick on the M60'.

We're a cutting edge group of performers right,

-with important things to say. -So have I, get a fucking job!

[ironically laughing]

-I'll show you. -[Shane] Show me?

You think I'm a joke, you think I'm worth fuck all.

It's not just me Micky, it's pretty much across the board mate.

[Frank laughing]

[Micky] Kel!

Fancy making a million quid for Mam?

Boom! [laughing]

-Fuck are you playing at? -Dur!

You'll be wearing that internally in a minute.

I've got a list of jobs as long as my arse and you piss off out of it.

[Billy] I was manning up.

Leave you at home doing the jobs and me come here. Like a man.

-You tell her kid. -S'not how it works, not in my house!

Your list of jobs.

It's about time you proved yourself to be a man,

-my man, alright? -Winner stays on.

Now!

[Frank laughing]

[laughing]

[Terry] As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew...

I must say that your taking in a sweet,

simple, innocent girl like that...

-Do'you like this? -[Michelle] Excuse me?

Chatting away while people are working is hugely disrespectful.

[coughs]

You got something to say?

Why are they doing this?

Did they chose it?

No disrespect or owt but I don't understand it and,

by looks of things, neither do any of this lot.

I'm sick and tired of men telling me what's what!

Time and time again they think they know best

and they know fu... jack all!

You Michael Maguire have booked yourself a one way ticket

right out of here direct to prison.

Do not pass go and do not collect two hundred pounds.

Wait!

I'm calling the courts now, you're in breach of your order.

-Alright, alright, I'm sorry. -Contributed nothing except negativity,

whipping them up into a frenzy. There won't be a revolution here.

-Please! -Not on my watch!

Miss! Miss wait!

-[Micky] Ah! -[Michelle screams]

-She pushed me. -She fell.

Pushed...

Please! Let me out!

Success!

I picked up the child allowance from the Post Office,

went to court, paid the fines.

Dropped that bag wash off and did the shop.

Who's this?

It's the same pram!

[women laughing]

-Flat out asleep. -Cilla or Latifa?

Cilla.

Look. I proved I can do stuff, and I've shown I can sort problems.

-I've manned up. -But can you think for yourself?

-I don't know what you want me to say? -[sighs]

-[Billy] Yeah, I can think for myself. -And pigs will fly.

I can!

Prove it.

We've got to find five hundred quid before midnight.

Have we?

It's a hypothetical case.

Right.

So where ya gonna get it from?

-The bank? -You haven't got a bank account.

-The hypothetical bank? -Oh for suck's sake, Micky.

Billy. You can't get it from the bank, right,

can't get it from any of our stashes, sell anything or hurt anybody

so where are you gonna get five hundred quid from tonight?

Think.

[puffing]

My mum used to work in this office,

it had a box of petty cash.

Five hundred quid's worth?

More like a grand.

[chuckles]

I don't have to get it...do I?

[dance music]

I like lemonade and Cheryl Cole.

[Terry] Come on Lise.

She fancies you.

But I fancy her right,

so...stay away!

Alright!

Hiya.

[music stops]

Right. [clapping]

Ten minute fag break.

I know they're a little bit different to how I'd described them.

I'm used to different, I do 'different' every day.

[chuckles]

-Are you Micky's girlfriend? -No!

She's just here to help out. Y'know, lend a hand.

You can have a brew then.

Are you alright to use the kettle. I mean, you're allowed?

So where's this Rainman who's gonna make us some serious money?

-What play are we going to do instead?

[Micky] One I'm writing myself.

It's the story of a poor misunderstood genius

rejected by everyone around him.

He wants to fit in, he strives for it,

but...

no-one gets him.

[Micky] You lot know what it's like.

-Feeling like you don't fit in? -[Kirsty] We do fit in.

But what about when people call you names and that?

-Names? -[Micky] Yeah, window-lickers,

biffs, retards...

People don't call me names like that.

What do they call you?

-Terry. -[all laughing]

What play would you like to do?

-Mamma Mia? -Marley & Me!

-Avatar! -They're all films, not plays.

Stuart Little?

I saw a play once, it were in German,

think it was about a lesbian

trying to hang a curtain over a broken window

lasted three hours.

-It were fucking brilliant. -We're not doing that.

What do you think we should do?

What was the last play you saw?

The Nativity?

[all laughing]

[Kelly] What d'you have to say that for?

Christmas is ages away!

That was the last play I saw...

the last play I was in at school.

I was the Inn Keeper.

Were you any good?

[knocking on door]

[indistinct chatter]

Come on. Come on!

I was...

brilliant.

Just gonna go for a slash. [chuckles]

[all laughing]

[urinating]

[Micky gasps]

Woah. What d'ya want? What're you doing?

Not what I want, what I can give you.

The best suck off you've ever had.

Alright.

Stud.

Wait, listen.

Woah woah, you don't want me!

-Yeah I do. -Just get off will ya!

-I don't care if it's little. -Eh.

It's like a baby's arm holding an apple, right.

Un-hard. Stop!

You want to do it here? Right now?

Casino first.

Then we'll do whatever you want... sugar lips.

-Don't you fancy me? -No.

-[sobs] -[Micky sighs]

I do.

You'd let me suck you off if you liked me, if you thought I was pretty!

You are pretty! It's just...

I'm not the right man for you Lise.

I'm no good. I'm...

I'm useless.

[Mimi distorted]...waste of space. Lazy, pathetic, pointless,

never amount to anything. What are you for, Micky?

What the fuck are you for?

You need someone that won't let you down,

someone who's dependable, a real man like...

like Terry.

-Terry? -[Micky] Oh, big time.

I've seen the way he looks at you and that.

[Micky] He'd look after you as well.

Y'know, he's a real man, a protector.

He'd pick you up,

in his arms.

[Micky] And everyone would watch

as he carried you...

in his big, strong arms.

[Micky] With your head leant against his chest,

his rock hard ripped and cut chest,

pecs like stone, nipples like wheelnuts.

The heat of him...

his breath on your face, his heart beating through his solid chest

as he holds you tight....

being held close and tight...

So you're gay.

[Micky] Look, wait!

Don't say owt will you?

Keep it between the two of us?

-Your secret's safe with me. -[Micky sighs]

-[Micky gasps] -We won't say a word either.

I won't, as long as you don't tell anyone I've got Downs Syndrome.

[chuckles]

Deal.

[all laughing]

[Mimi] Been years since I did a burglary.

We all used to do it together, me, Paddy, the kids,

proper family stuff...happy days.

It was always a bit of a turn on for me.

I'm getting a bit of a wide-on now.

-[Billy chuckles] -Job first though. Come on!

-We all have skills right. -I'm great on post codes.

Name a place. Go on, test me. Test me!

Chester Zoo?

CH2.

-Blackpool Pleasure Beach? -FY4.

-Brilliant! Buckingham Palace? -Yeah, alright, alright! Fucking 'ell.

I know every word to Gladiator it's not going to make us a million.

-SW1 1AA. -Ssh!

Sorry.

Number boy's skills however are a different kettle of fish.

A kettle of fish?

Limo. Casino. [laughing] Let's go to work.

["Little Green Bag" playing]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Lookin' back in the track For a little green bag ♪

♪ Got to find just a kind Or losin' my mind ♪

♪ Out of sight in the night, Out of sight in the day ♪

♪ Lookin' back in the track Gonna do it my way ♪

♪ Out of sight in the night Out of sight in the day ♪

♪ Lookin' back in the track Gonna do it my way ♪

♪ Lookin' for some happiness ♪

♪ But there is so a loneliness to find ♪

♪ Turn to the left turn to the right ♪

♪ Lookin' upstairs lookin' behind ♪

[alarm beeping]

[thud]

Hit me!

[laughing, whooping]

He's fucking useless! Lost every fucking penny!

He told me he was great with numbers!

Zero eight zero eight one five seven twenty twenty. Pizza delivery!

I'm on about cards, Raymond! Fucking cards!

You can't even count to twenty-one, you prick!

-Hit me! -[Micky] Don't tempt me!

What was with that four hundred windows seventy doors bollocks?

Every day I have a smoke out the back and I--

Count it all.

Stops me getting bored.

-Can we have sex now? -Unbelievable.

[Michelle] I believe there was a rehearsal here last night?

A rehearsal without an appropriate leader, i.e. you!

-We went to the casino! -[Micky sighs]

Well, there won't be any more rehearsals.

Not now, not ever.

The building is closed until further notice!

-You can't do that. -Can and have.

And what's it got to do with the talking sex doll?

You can't shut the building!

I can and I have.

Health and safety.

If Lise continues to insist that she didn't push me

down the stairs, then I must have slipped.

And the building closes until the Health and Safety Executives have investigated.

Thank you.

Mum.

Oh, and don't forget...

No play, no community service!

[Michelle] Bye bye outside, hello Strangeways.

[laughing]

You've no sense of a dramatic exit have you.

-Brake's stuck, sorry. -Here y'are.

I'd walk away from them if I could, the play and everything,

if it meant I weren't walking towards prison.

-Thanks a lot. -No offence, it's just...

Well, we've got a few rivals inside at the moment, y'know.

Wouldn't be much of a holiday for me.

I could tell them I pushed her.

-[Terry] No. -She'd let us back into the building.

-She wouldn't, she's an evil bitch. -That must be destroyed!

-Steady on. -Sorry.

We could find somewhere else to put the play on.

And keep Micky out of Sing Sing.

Where?

You two are all over each other like tics on a tramps vest.

What's the secret?

We've discovered the secret to happiness.

White wine and night nurse?

[Mimi] Doing something together that we both enjoy.

-[Billy] D'you fancy doing it again? -Tonight? [chuckles]

[kiss]

Y'know I'm only using the play as a ruse.

-Oh yeah? -Yeah.

I'm training 'em up aren't I?

Think about it. They'll be the best drug dealers.

They're methodical, practical, they won't use the produce

and the best thing is... the filth won't suspect them.

Look at 'em.

What's this? Attack of the--

-[Frank screams] -[Ray] Bollocks! You smelly old tramp.

It's time we started standing up for ourselves.

Fucking set of-- [screaming]

Before you say owt I know they're going to kill me, one day.

It's not you I'm worried about, it's your baby.

[laughing]

Your baby doesn't have a choice.

I'm not pregnant sweetheart!

Trapped wind and a little bit of heartburn.

Always going to the toilet. You're having a baby.

[Micky] Great news.

Great news.

Jamie has said that we can rehearse and put the show on in here, providing...

you lot run a few errands for him...

Ten pound each yeah?

And we'll invite heads from the council,

see if we can get a bit of funding and we can open our own centre

right here in the Chatsworth! [laughing]

-Or somewhere else? -[all cheering]

Now come on you band of biffers!

-[all] Fuck off! Wanker!

-[Kelly] D'ya think this is gonna work. -It has to.

Not just for mi' freedom but also...

to show those snide fuckers round here, always taking the piss.

[hammering]

[laughing]

-You sure about this? -Yes!

But in the Bible, Joseph didn't saw anyone in half.

It's artistic license.

It doesn't say that he didn't saw anyone in half.

And he was a joiner, so he'd have had saws and shit

and maybe a bit of curiosity.

[Micky] Trust me.

[sawing, hammering]

It's a boy.

I'm not pregnant.

The ring never lies. It's a boy.

My husband is infertile.

Oh...

S'funny.

But if you've only been having sex with your husband...

Guess this isn't just about the paint on my carpet?

[Lillian] Want a bit of help, sweetheart?

Cost you.

What happened to the milk of human kindness?

Ohh... turned to cheese.

Twenty quid an hour, get all the help you need.

One part white spirit, two parts water'll shift that in next to no time.

[sighs]

[phone rings]

[phone beeps]

OK I'm not a big believer in miracles, especially not round here

so we can rule out another immaculate conception

-and Shane's infertile... -[Kelly scoffs]

It's Marty...

You never go bareback?

It wasn't business... it was more than that.

Are you sure--

What happens when all turns to shit?

[sobs]

What am I gonna do?

-We can sort this-- -I'm not getting rid of it.

[Kelly] This is all we've... me and Shane,

it's all we've ever wanted...

-And... -[phone ringing]

[Kelly sobs]

[sighs]

I can't tell him.

-You're gonna have to tell him something. -I can't!

He's gonna find out sooner or later.

[sniffles]

[upbeat music]

[indistinct chatter, laughter]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[Avril] Watch yourself Rain Man!

-What d'ya think? -Perfect!

[hammering]

-What? -Why don't you just talk to Terry.

I know he likes you.

It's not that easy...

It was alright for you to barge in to the bogs and offer me a gob-job.

That was just sex.

It's different with Terry...

I don't know what I feel.

Sometimes it's hard to tell someone what's really going on.

-[Shane] Hey I've been ringing you. -Oh right,

mi' phone's been on silent for rehearsals.

-Have you finished? -No! We've only just started.

I've got a job on. You gonna be alright?

I can't take her with me, it's too dangerous.

-[Cilla crying] -[Shane] She can be the baby Jesus.

[Cilla cooing]

-[electric buzz] -[Christmas song playing]

My only concern now is getting a crowd in to see it,

an audience you know.

[Micky] Who's gonna wanna come and see this lot do the Nativity

when it's not even Christmas?

Why can't it be Christmas? Tills are always bursting.

I love Christmas!

[suspenseful music]

[thud]

[Mimi shouts]

[Billy] I'm sorry. Y'alright?!

[Mimi] No. Twisted mi' knee.

[in pain] It needs support, I need a bandage...

[crying]

Ow!

Owww!

I'm sorry!

[Billy] Will it be OK?

'It hasn't got an alarm'.

Instead it has a private security company with a direct link to the filth

-perfect! -They'll send me down for this. I know it!

-Oh grow up. -I can't go to prison. I'm too young!

We'll get our brief on to it, be away on some technicality, don't worry.

But what if we don't?

I'll pack you some lube. Pretty boy like you...

Dozy bastard.

[siren]

-We should've gone back to the car. -He'd have seen us.

[Billy] Ring Shane or someone, ask 'em to pick us up.

Where's your phone?

In the car. Where's your phone?

[sighs] In the car.

Fuck! What're we gonna do?

I dunno.

Paddy'd know what to do.

He would, one clever fuck that one,

great under pressure, always thinking on his feet you know.

That's the answer to our problems then! Do a seance and ask Paddy what to do.

[Billy exhales]

Sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

Right, we can't get a cab,

we can't hitch a lift, not with these so...

We'll walk.

We can't, it's too risky.

Filth are looking for us. We need somewhere to lay low til morning.

We shouldn't be doing this.

-It's a church. -Hardly.

[Mimi] It's one of God's houses.

[Bully] Hasn't paid his council tax by looks of it.

That's blasphemous.

What? It's alright to break into offices and nick stuff,

but it's not alright to walk into an unlocked church?

I've got morals.

[sighs] Don't look like it's in use now anyway. Come on.

[clang]

-[Mimi] What you doing? -[Billy] Looking.

-[Mimi] For what? -[Billy] A saw or summat to get these off.

[Mimi] Oh yeah, always get a saw in a church.

Drink this, it's the blood of Christ, this is his body

and this is his saw.

What's your big plan? You're the brains of the outfit.

I am the brains of the outfit.

Well what am I then? A piece of meat? A fuck machine?

Have a bit of respect. Swearing in a place of worship!

[Billy] I don't give a shit.

Oh, hang on...

[thud]

Thank you, God.

[helicopter flying]

Copper chopper.

Pigs will fly.

-Come on, hurry up. -I'm going as fast as I can.

-We'll be be here forever at this rate. -It'd go quicker if I sawed your wrist.

-You're going to hell, you. -What, and you're not?

I pray, I repent, I go to confession.

I don't get why you believe in all that shit.

After everything I've been through?

I have to believe my dead children are in a better place

because if I thought that this was it, that life was just this,

with nothing at the end...

then I'd just give up.

[Billy] Maybe...

you need to start looking at 'this' a bit differently.

That was then,

this is now.

You, me and Cilla...

[sawing]

-[Billy gasps] -[both sigh]

[helicopter flying]

Kinda liked having you by mi' side.

[exhales]

Maybe we should make it more permanent...

You having a laugh?

No. Will you marry me?

[chatter]

[Micky] Everyone alright?

How you doing? Nervous?

I've still not had a shag!

Who the fuck are you supposed to be?

Inn Keeper.

I've still not shagged a woman yet.

What's with all the blue paint?

[sighs] Oh I get it, it's fucking Avatar innit?

Avatar Inn Keeper!

But... [sighs]

never mind.

Terry I just wanted to have a quick word with you about the last scene.

Now I know we've not rehearsed it but Joseph should kiss Mary at the end.

It's Lise's idea.

But in the Bible Mary and Joseph don't kiss.

But it doesn't say they didn't either.

They probably did a lot more besides kissing, I mean...

you're up the duff and it's not your husbands

you're gonna have to do a bit more than kissing to make him sweet aren't you?

[Micky] I mean...

[gagging]

[laughing] Think about it.

Mary's giving Joseph a blow-job?

No! Not in our play. After who knows? But just a kiss for now?

[exhales] Never mind.

[Micky] Lise?

I've just had a chat with Terry and he's come up with this great idea

that Mary and Joseph kiss at the end.

All his idea.

Like a dream.

Call an ambulance!

He's passed out.

[Max] It must've been the paint!

[laughing]

[Carl] Don't worry Micky, leave him to us.

[laughing]

[Frank] You'll need a new innkeeper now Micky.

[Kelly] He's not gonna be doing the show.

-What are you gonna do? -Michael Maguire?

-Depends. -We spoke earlier. I'm from the council.

-Brilliant! Innit? -Oh yeah, great!

We're so chuffed you could come, you'll see what this group have done

and maybe bung 'em a bit of cash to get their own centre and that.

[council man] I'm the Health and Safety Executive

here will be no public performance on these premises.

The set have to be fire-proofed, there are no fire exit signs displayed,

a risk of overcrowding...

But this lot have got a performance in less than an hour!

Well, you have to cancel.

Notification of intention to prosecute if you fail to abide.

Cancel.

So that's that then.

No stage, no Inn Keeper... no show.

I've not worked my bollocks off for nothing.

[Micky] We are doing it.

[people cheering]

[donkey braying]

[booing]

[Frank] Bugger off, can't you see it's the second coming?

[chatter ends]

All of the hotels, and the pubs are all full.

Man United must be playing!

This is the last Inn for miles.

[knocking on door]

[all laughing]

Hello. My wife Mary is with child.

We need a bed for the night.

Do you have room at your Inn?

[Lise] Go on.

Do you have room at your Inn?

Go on.

We haven't got any room, I'm sorry.

Gutted.

I tell you what though.

[stutters]

We've got a sort of stable round there. You can have that if you want?

Thank you sir.

Thank you for your kindness.

Nice one.

[all cheering]

[applause, cheering]

[knocking on door]

I've already told you, we haven't got any room.

-[Mimi] The bizzies are after us. -[Micky] Get in.

[both laughing]

[people cheering]

[Billy] Will you marry me?

[Lise screaming in pain]

[Kelly screaming]

It's like squeezing a bowling ball through the eye of a fucking needle!

-[exhaling] -Hardly.

[all] Ohh!

[applause]

I'm not going to the hospital 'til I've got a shag!

Don't look at me.

Or me.

[electronic music]

[all singing]

[Micky] There is magic everywhere.

But only if you believe. That's what people say, innit?

You know they type of people.

They go on about star signs, angels and shit.

You have DVD boxsets of Friends and they cry at greeting cards.

But they're usually single.

You won't find magic with a bunch of weekend hippies

at Glastonbury squatting on lay-lines.

Oh yeah, they've all got henna tattoos and a set of crystals.

♪ Somewhere ♪

[Micky] You want real magic, you go to Creamfields with a spliff,

a bag of pills in one hand, bag of mushrooms in the other.

♪ We'll find a way of forgiving ♪

[cheering]

That was alright, that. For a dickhead.

[Micky] The real secret is,

you have to work hard for magic.

It's not handed to you on a plate.

The universe dun't give a flying fuck about your pissy little existence.

Mam!

[Micky] Close the book, stop chanting, ringing your bells and open your eyes.

You want magic? Make it fucking happen then!

[all singing]

Billy Tutton is doing me the honour of making me his wife.

A match made in Jeremy Kyle ratings heaven.

-I didn't get rid of it. -Shane loves kids.

I've moved on.

-[thud] -Are you going to him?

There is no one.

Pack whatever possessions you've accumulated in your tender years

and you fuck off as far away from our mum as possible.

If you want to get rid of me, you'll have to do it your way.

[Jamie] Grab him!

You'll learn to love me again, I know you will.

[grunting]

[outro music]

[music fades out]

And then we put the egg in, like so.

And then we say the magic words.

Fish and chippingtons! [laughing]

A better look...

It's not worked, but... You have a go [chuckles]

[hen clucking]

[Micky grunts]

[hen clucking]

[hen shrieks]

[laughing]