Original subtitles

-[tapping] -[intro music]

Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt,

needs to watch their back. [cries out]

So, you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk,

sending prices sky high,

literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots.

And now you've got your con-dem-nation,

Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.

Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?

Is revolution a word or was it never?

Anybody watching needs to know

we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.

Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester

and they charge us for water!

I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found,

this green and pleasant land in ancient times...

Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!

It's not theirs anymore.

-This is our England now. -[cheering]

Party!

[intro music]

[intro music fades]

[Carl] Unless you get nicked,

married or sectioned, nobody can tell you what to do.

I've got three weddings this month, old mates stepping up, looking tall.

Being in charge.

Fiona was 16 when she took over this family.

Debbie was about 11. Well...

Eleven or 12.

Lip never did, but only cos he was born knowing about that kind of stuff.

I'm twenty-one and never been asked!

Is he sulking? Is he fuck?

Who my age gives this up for that?

Being a best man is as in charge as I wanna be.

Micky this, Micky that, Micky who?

Micky Foodchain Ringpiece, that's who.

I've got nasal sprays, throat sprays, skin like Grandma's and...

I'm wheezing like someone who's got a note for games.

[Micky] That only started the day, exactly the day when they fitted that new boiler.

[Mimi] Sunday, I burnt a cake and broke a nail.

[Mimi] Two things in one day.

-Just turn it off! -It's freezing.

-It's summer. -It's East Manchester!

-It can't be fucking hay fever! -[Mimi] Who's fucking arguing?

-And stop swearing back! -Ask why she won't change the boiler.

[Mimi] Nobody else's whingeing, cos there's nothing wrong with the boiler,

cos the boiler does exactly what a boiler is meant to do.

Just like the last one did!

Until the gas chap twigged we'd piped into next door's and condemned us with it.

-Have we heard? Are they prosecuting? -Nah!

Only turns out his wife's one of me best clients cos she's a total fuck-up.

Mam!

Micky!

It's me... or the boiler.

Give us a shout if you need anything, Cynth!

Back to nearly normal, yes, two secs!

[Jamie] Bang on cue, missus!

Who the fuck says "Happy Wedding", you knob?

So, next time there's a funeral we just stick up "Dead", do we?

-[Carl laughs] -Get this finished,

then sort your kid out, Micky Fullmoon.

-Why? -Where?

Talking about moving to Sydney for good. Upstairs.

[Jamie sighs loudly]

["A Hundred Years" by Tracey Chapman playing]

Guess whose mam's chucked me out?

[clears his throat]

[suspenseful music]

[mobile phone keys beeping]

[fire alarm beeping]

Shit!

[shop door shuts]

-Did you get it out? -Little fuckers.

-[Chesney] Has Marty gone? -Yeah.

He's in a bit of a rush, so he asked me to give you this.

Took two Pot Snacks, two beans, bigguns, crackers, teabags, cheapest.

Cheers, Kel.

-Why'd you say Sydney? -I didn't.

I let Sitges slip, then flipped it round to Sydney before Karen twigged.

Bum Boy Barca Sitges?

-Cooking in thongs and that? -And how would you know, Jedwards?

[Carl laughs]

Look, don't start, right, because things got said.

-Over a boiler? Are you serious? -Boiler, what?

You weren't kicked out. Mum doesn't even know you're gone.

She's just seen you taking bags out for the bins.

Just? Five hours ago and they're not binbags, they're clothes. See!

Micky, go home. You're sorry, you've calmed down.

Fuck off!

[Micky gasps] Look, I will literally die.

I'm twenny six.

You don't flick ears at twenny six! Right, a couple of nights, tops.

For that, you help us cover the bar for this wedding do.

Sound.

Shifting already.

Whatever.

[knocking at door]

[Kelly banging at the door] Fuck's sake!

-[Kelly] Why didn't you open up? -Could've been the filth.

For lifting from Chesney's and trying to burn his shop down, you mean?

They'd come in through the window.

[sighing] From a skip outside the youth club.

You had company?

[stutters] Not since you were here last.

I just... wanted you to know, I think it'd be better if you kept your distance.

You said last time I saw you.

I know but, safer.

-It might be safer to-- -Cos of Shane?

Cos of Shane.

In case he got the wrong end of the stick.

-Know what happened last time. -Don't want that happening again.

All just a misunderstanding.

It's easily done. Him being the jealous type.

-There's nothing to be jealous of. -No, but if there had've been.

Possessive, I think.

-More than jealous. -He's your husband.

Yeah.

Either way, best if I kept me distance.

-You okay with that? -Have to be.

See you, then.

Yeah. Look after yourself and stuff.

-You too. -Bye.

Bye.

[emotive music]

["Beautiful Day" by U2 playing on the stereo]

[Butch] Save your breath.

Them lot'll be over there. You're on the tables with me.

But I still get to wear a special t-shirt?

[Frank] What you going on about, Cynthia? It's a scratch card, you scratch it.

But it doesn't say where.

Lucky me.

[Frank sighs]

-Hey up, there you go. -What am I dropping now?

Few chromosomes.

Left. Left foot.

Near the toilets.

Well.

Bastards! Send all your winners to Cheshire pubs, eh!

[Cynthia] It's a no, then?

[Frank groans] It can't be helped.

It's all right, couple of stitches, it'll mend.

Boss wants a word, Frank.

What, who?

The woman's poorly, you scrubber.

So?! You know she'd be licking it, if I hadn't put the time in!

How in God's name is that not mine?

Go on fifty each? You know she will.

She'll have it on her cornflakes, the pointless old window licker.

-[partygoers cheer] -[Frank cries out]

-I made a speech! Me! -[Frank screams]

You said they were posh.

I said they had money. You watch 'em drink!

...forty, fifty, sixty, seventy...

-[Karen] 80, 90, 100. -[Frank groans in pain]

Fucking OAPs.

[mumbles unintelligibly]

[mumbling] Fucking drive around and lick of that, fucking sort it out...

[Frank mumbles unintelligibly]

Cynthia!

[tense music]

["Celebration" by Kool & The Gang playing]

More voddy, less red.

Not gonna get changed?

In my family, first thing a bride sees when she walks into church? Aisle.

Altar.

-Hymn. -[all laugh]

Mam!

[screams] Mam!

[Micky] Wait for it...

-[music stops] -[Micky] Freeze!

[cheering]

Someone get her a big drink on me! That's for later.

Someone get her a cardigan, man, she must be about 60! [laughs]

["Celebration" by Kool & The Gang resumes playing]

[Frank sings] ♪ Nessun dorma, nessun-- ♪

None shall fucking sleep tonight.

-Right, I'll have-- -Easy, money bags.

One of them, one of them and two of them.

Now, 'ere, 'ere, 'ere! Listen! Listen! Listen! Listen!

Right, state your name and how you're pleading! [laughs]

There's a banker, a taxpayer and a little single parent on housing benefits,

all sitting round this table, with a plate of 12 biscuits to split between 'em.

Banker's straight in, nabbing 11 of 'em.

Straight in the pocket,

right, and he turns to the taxpayer and he says, "Watch that thieving cunt.

Keep an eye on your biscuit, mate!"

[everybody laughs]

Yeah, but while them two are swapping email addresses,

he's having their laptops, you know...

-[everybody laughs] -[Frank continues speaking indistinctly]

What the fuck have you been up to?

Oh, yeah, it's me!

I'd fuck off Frank, before they eat you.

[indistinctive chatter]

[TV news reporter] North Manchester Police today confirmed

that gun crime levels were at their lowest since 1998.

Tonight a pensioner was brutally assaulted in her home in Belvedere Road.

Detectives found traces of new green paint

close to the crime scene, possibly from footwear

and they urge anyone with information to call their confidential helpline

on 08081 570 999.

-Cynthia? -Frank.

[voices on TV] Police have this morning confirmed

that the pensioner violently assaulted in her home in Belvedere Road

is Miss Cynthia Rose Feltz.

Miss Feltz was found when a neighbour...

...we must fight crimes like this with zero tolerance...

Miss Feltz, who has no next of kin,

was thought to have been carrying a large sum of money.

[milkman] Here you go, Frank.

Cheers, Stafford!

Don't forget fat's the new black, so you'll be laughing with Babs.

I'll walk from here.

[coughs] I've got a medical this afternoon so...

it'll help if I look fucked.

Fuck off, dickhead.

Full English, when anybody's ready.

-Who disappeared after Cynthia went home? -Everybody, eventually.

[Jamie] Frank.

You know? And who got refused credit before he left here, lagging?

[Karen] Jamie, Frank's a lot of things but he's not that.

Yeah? Who tried nicking her scratch card swag before she knew she'd won?

He left here lagging and cadging.

Yeah, and then bounced back later chucking twenties about... Frank!

He'll be a lot of things in a dozen bags when I find the nonce.

[Karen] Jamie, speak to him.

And don't give it that on Facebook because you know nothing

and it's Frank's name on the line.

Yeah, and his head.

-Like you've never robbed purses? -Yeah, but not since school.

There's lines you don't cross.

I mean, the poor cow's retarded, and raspberries is a no-no.

-Patty. -[Patty] Hmm?

Last night, where'd you and Frank been before the Jockey?

Excuse me! Last night, I went line dancing on my tod,

being ignored and insulted, as per usual.

Somebody said they saw you putting up in a taxi together laughing your tits off.

I was waiting for the last bus from line dancing.

Frank rolls up in a taxi.

I'm not quick enough, so he drags us in.

[Patty] Couldn't understand a word the man said and,

happy to be with him only until his money ran out,

and I had to buy me own drinks.

Then I shot to the buffet.

-So where did his money come from? -Well, he wouldn't know, never has!

Hence me thinking, it's either fighting or gambling to explain the big spender.

But...

he didn't have a bruise on him, the gimp.

[Kelly] Male Maguires should be banned

from ever thinking in pairs, they're lethal!

And you're dafter than them for listening to it!

Kelly, I saw it with me own.

Ask Shane! Me and him had to practically stop Frank from nicking her prize card.

So? Frank'd nick prams if he didn't hate babies.

Don't make him a granny-basher.

He did leave straight after her and was back later ordering doubles and bubbles.

Is it in there? The Cynthia thing off the radio? Giz it here.

Take the freebie.

Have you ever seen a barrel scraped so low?

[Frank scoffs] Literally can't give 'em away.

[tense dramatic music]

Oh!

Thirty five rental. Fifty deposit.

They're keeping the lot because somebody got fucking green paint on it!

[Carl] What?

[Mimi] Medics had to resuscitate her in the ambulance.

[Shane] Hiya, Avril.

Mam, Kell's still round there with Lady Gaga, so I haven't locked up.

I want this on the streets and round your mates.

[Mimi] Mimi Maguire is putting up a grand for the name of the fucker who did this.

You serious? A grand?

You don't even like her.

I'm organising a whip-round for Cynthia, poor cow.

Door to door, the lot.

Cos we want everyone chipping into this.

Not in here, Frank. We've already got one on.

Oh, Carl, just a five.

Ten! Till Thursday-ish.

C'mon. Fuckin'...

Oh! Fuck, that's me bus fare.

I've got a fucking medical, which is--

Thought you were just taxis these days, Frank.

-Hey? -Leave it, Butch.

[Karen] Yes, Kel?

[Kelly] Er, chilli and chips and a vodka tonic.

-Bring it over. -[Kelly] Thank you.

[Kelly] Oh! All right, Frank?

Hiya.

If they think you're with me, nobody'll touch your car.

I'm safe.

[whispering] Jamie, the police!

[Jamie] Sorry, Frank, yours is here, mate.

[Jamie] You didn't leave a mobile phone, did you?

Er... if it's got credit on it, it's probably mine.

You're Cynthia Feltz's employers, is that right?

I give her a few bob every now and then to keep her busy.

-[Karen] Look, if this is bad news-- -Relax. She proved us all wrong

and regained consciousness an hour or so back.

Has she said who?

She's not talking yet, but she seems to know where she is.

[Micky] She didn't before.

I just meant...

Whoa! Just that she didn't before!

["The Suburbs" by Arcade Fire playing]

What's the score, then?

What's all this, people blanking me dad?

They're not very keen on what he might've done.

As in?

Cynthia.

Cynthia's nothing to do with you, is she?

-Related to that parcel? Fuck off! -No, the kickin'.

It's just your name keeps surfacing, Frank, and it's not just me.

There's others whispering and I'm picking stuff up.

[soft, emotive music]

Fractured skull, broken ribs, fucked-up windpipe.

Me?

I said I was sorry before I asked,

precisely to avoid this getting ugly, Frank.

[Frank scoffs loudly]

That let you down, did it?

[Cynthia] Who's... Go.

[Mimi] Your dad's name's coming up too many times to be guesswork, Carl.

-From who? -Some you know, some you won't.

But too many who want to string him up to ignore.

You're not right in the fucking head, you lot!

Watch your mouth, Gallagher.

How long've you known him? When has he ever laid into anybody round here?

-What, discounting his kids? -What? You never twatted your own?

And if that's a no, do shit-thick wankers run in your family?

-The fuck do you think you are, Maguire? -Whoa! Fucking hell!

[clamouring]

[Jamie] You fucking better run, Gallagher!

[dramatic, fast-paced music]

What you saying about my dad?

Karen Maguire asked me questions I gave honest answers to.

Pack your bags and get the fuck out of his house.

Carl, I've repeated nothing I didn't see with my own eyes.

So where did "coked off his tits" come from?

I can tell gak from gossip.

This smells a bit off.

[Patty] We were back in the Jockey.

[Patty sniffs and gasps]

-Fuck! I'm on Warfarin, you cunt! -[Frank laughs hysterically]

[Patty] Off his tits, Carl. I swear!

Nobody wants your dad involved in this.

But you need to see what we've been looking at, Carl.

And people don't speak to me like that.

-Where? -Nowhere, actually!

-No, where are we going? -Apollo side of Ardwick.

Branson, this is Carl, a good friend and neighbour.

Carl, Branson, a colleague every third Sunday.

Just show Carl what I saw earlier, Branson.

[Kelly] This is Frank dancing outside Panama 2.

[Kelly] Now Cinnamon Street.

It's a bit ropier than I'd like, but...

[Kelly] Round that corner's where Cynthia lives, right?

And 62 minutes later, coming back this way.

[Kelly] Hailing a taxi. Where'd he get the money?

I didn't make it up, Carl.

These pictures speak for themselves. Your dad's in deep shit.

[dramatic piano music]

[doctor] So you're experiencing about two fits a month?

[Frank] Correct.

[doctor] Are you still getting pain down the right side of your neck?

[Frank] Yeah, it's worse, if anything.

[doctor] Any falling injuries when you have the fits?

[Frank] No.

[doctor] You're what, six foot?

[doctor] That's a long way to horizontal without bumps and bruising.

[Frank] I'm mostly on me arse when they strike.

[doctor] So, what's this lot?

[Frank] Eh?

-What the fuck? -[huffs]

Well, if you're surprised, I don't know what the wife's gonna think.

When you get dressed, you can go.

[slow enigmatic music]

[man screaming]

[Carl] Oi! Dad!

If you help us shift a bit of furniture for a mate,

there's a tenner in it for you.

Tell him it's 20 or he's had it.

No, sack that. Not in here.

You all right?

["Weather With You" by Crowded House playing on radio]

♪ At Fifty Seven Mount Pleasant Street ♪

Smoke if you want.

♪ You can fight the sleep, but not the dream ♪

-♪ Things ain't cookin'... ♪ -[Frank sighs]

[Frank sings] ♪ When you try your best But you can't succeed ♪ [tuts]

♪ If you try your best But you can't succeed ♪

♪ If you try your best But you can't succeed ♪

♪ And I will try to fix you ♪

I got up and sang a top notch version of that at Manny Holden's pre-trial party.

[Frank laughs]

We'd been on mushrooms and his...

fuckin' twisted wife had brewed up for us.

She just... just... twatted,

just totally twatted.

[Frank laughs]

I couldn't believe me eyes

when they played that tape

at his wake, you know, when he copped-out at Strangeways.

[Carl] Dad.

Hang on.

A, I can't remember a thing

about that night with the mushrooms, Manny and the singing.

Not just as in normal "can't".

You know, like, waking up in Fallowfield between that fat,

black, spotty bird and her mam.

I mean...

There on stage...

like...

belting... "Fix You" out...

which still scares me shitless, because, B...

I couldn't sing it sober if I tried.

I didn't think I was capable.

If it was you

and I've to hear it from anyone else,

that'd be us finished.

-[Frank groans] -You know that, don't you?

And I haven't a fucking clue where I got these.

What we gonna do with me, Carl?

If they've to come and fetch you, there's three years' difference.

Out of how many?

Says five to seven on the web.

[screaming] Oh, no!

We... Jesus wept!

[Frank lets out a muffled scream] I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't!

[Frank] I can't do time again, Carl.

Not at my age.

Nobody leaves you alone, you know. It's gonna be fuckin'... [chokes]

[sobbing] They'll crucify me.

[emotive music]

[sobbing] They'll fucking crucify...

[Frank continues to sob]

[Frank keeps sobbing]

[Frank gasps]

In all seriousness, I reckon your arse is fine smelling like that.

Fuck me arse, we've all sold arses!

But, nowadays, it's...

random drug tests, so...

you can't take a piss without literally grassing yourself up.

And what else is there?

Come on, Dad.

Come on.

I'm coming with you.

[feel-good, upbeat music]

I'm here to hand meself in.

[DI Carroll] Commencing interview with Vernon Francis Gallagher,

on charges of burglary, common theft

and causing grievous bodily harm to Mrs Cynthia Feltz.

Attending Officers DI Carroll, DC Sheridan,

with Mr Ashton Strang from duty legal services representing the defendant.

-Slept okay, Frank? -[Frank] Not three hours.

Hopefully see you through till teatime, though, eh?

And sleep's the great healer, so how's that voice coming along?

Wrong man or Fifth Amendment,

that's all you're getting cos it's all I've got.

Forensics rustled a few new words up for you, Frank.

Scene of crime.

DNA.

Positive match.

Prisoner 1052, Gallagher, Vernon Francis.

Get your head down while we proof your press release.

[DI Carroll] Interview terminated 13:52.

[ominous music]

[Frank sighs] Oh.

[tyres screech]

[male TV reporter] Police today named their prime suspect

in the attack on the Beswick pensioner, 76 year-old Cynthia Feltz...

[female TV reporter] ...at her home late Thursday night.

[male reporter] Francis Vernon Gallagher from neighbouring Chatsworth Estate...

...was formally charged with actual bodily harm and remanded into custody

[female reporter] ...after magistrates denied his application for bail.

Three and four...

-[intruder 1] Where's Frank? Where is he? -[intruder 2] Where is he?

Where is he?

-Where is he? -I don't know where he is.

I don't know.

[male reporter] The Officer in charge of the case,

Detective Inspector Clarice Carroll, confirmed

[female reporter] ...police are pursuing no further leads

in connection with the crime at the time of this report.

["Shook Ones" by Mobb Deep playing]

Yeah, that's right!

If you're gonna chain-smoke five in a row, spend a lot more on 'em.

And I'm booking three health and fitness reviews for eight in the morning.

Back to your desks.

I've just remanded your dad on positive DNA samples.

You know he didn't do it.

I can tell.

If he swears he never set foot in Cynthia Feltz' home,

how come his DNA was found in her living room?

Old lady beaten literally half to death, Carl.

[emotive music]

Stella! Stella!

[Patty] Carl! Avril's got her next door.

[Patty] They nearly hit us with that.

[Patty] These were local, Carl. My old boyfriend.

I've an ex, works for Novotel.

We live here.

We've done nothing wrong.

[upbeat, nostalgic music]

[emotive music]

[sighs]

[Lillian] Hey, it's not a soup kitchen! We've a system.

-[Carl] Get off! -[Kelly shouts] What? Carl! Ah!

[screams] Carl! What are you--

-[Carl] Where's your kid? -What's a your kid?

Your kid, Kev. I need to speak to Kev, now. Where is he?

Carl, dragging me out in the street looking like Life Of Brian's mum

-isn't how you ask for a favour! -Kelly,

If you fuck me about,

I'll dump you on a roundabout and set fire to your blanket.

He's in Nottingham.

But what good's that without a postcode?

And why the fuck would I keep a postcode in a blanket?

What do you want him for?

Well, I'm not walking back.

You'll have to go and get my stuff.

Tell her she's in big bother for this! Cheeky thing.

It's over a year old, I don't know whether-- Hello?

That's not Veronica, is it?

I'm trying to reach Kev Ball.

[Kelly] Kevin Ball.

And where's work?

-[man shouts] Yo! Phone! -Yeah.

Before you start, the kids used all the hot water.

Kev?

-It's Carl. -Eh?

Carl Gallagher.

Give over!

That's more Tom Waits. What happened to Tin Man?

[Carl sobs]

What's up, Carl?

Carl?

Carl?

[fast-paced music]

[woman screaming and grunting]

No, it's a ginger bloke.

[Kelly screams and laughs]

-Wow! Who's tidied you up? -Who missed you out?

-Hey! -Get off!

[Carl] Y'all right, Kev?

Size of this!

Come 'ere.

-Right? -Wow.

[Kevin] Swear to God, right, his 13th birthday,

I sat there thinking he looked way too weird to have going-out clothes.

You actually said it, when I couldn't blow me candles out.

-Only cos they were Silk Cuts! -Fuck off.

Jesus, Frank! Where've they had you, Guantanamo?

[Kelly and Carl laugh]

Sorry, love, just... ignore me.

It's just me sense of humour.

-I'm Kev. -Patricia.

-Patty. -Aye.

Whoa! Don't need to ask who your dad is, do I?

Stop there, cos he doesn't.

[Kev sighs]

-Who? -Cynthia Feltz.

Dinner lady they sacked from St Ted's.

Kept turning up in her pinny with no knickers on.

Little Cynth? How old now?

Mental age, barely double figures with the mirror.

God bless the specimen, but... 77 this coming Saturday.

Who the fuck'd try nailing Frank for a stunt like that?

Look. I'm right, though, aren't I, Kev?

I remember me and Debs fetching you and me dad butties and stuff,

when you were helping him on a job round Cynthia's house.

Soz, Carl. That's not how I remember it, mate.

You said on the phone.

No, you did. Look, Debbie's kept receipts and everything.

No, I said on the phone that I'd worked on the house.

-Yeah, with me dad! -Yeah.

In his dreams, the bedridden gonk!

[Kevin] He'd buggered off with half my tools and a brand-new step ladder,

which I was fairly chilled about, cos he'd nicked 'em from me before

and forgotten who from, so he always tried selling 'em back to me.

Comes around, goes around, y'know?

I only went round to Fuzzy Feltz's

cos the cheeky twat was giving it all city and guilds

and trying to sting her for 200 quid plus petrol.

No fucking car anyway!

Should I be swearing on it?

Phrase it how you like, as long as I'm getting the truth.

Fuckin' right the truth.

Took me over a week to make it even liveable for her.

So, Frank Gallagher was physically inside Cynthia Feltz's living room

when you were present and clearly able to identify him.

I know, should've got five years for that!

[DI Carroll laughs]

Look, even if Frank did this...

He just didn't.

-[Shane] There you are, mate. -Cheers, Shane.

[sighs] Know what?

I looked her right in the eye till I knew she believed every word I said.

You know what else?

It don't count for a fucking bean,

because they've still got witnesses to the scratch card stunt,

CCTV of him round her patch that night,

and every fucker in The Jockey seen him flashing big cash at the bar.

He couldn't be more fucked, Carl.

You wanted to see me, Frank?

Frank... c'mon.

Nobody in my team wants to nail the wrong bloke

just for public opinion brownie points.

They think you're concealing evidence.

I know you are.

I did walk her home.

And I was after her winnings.

[Frank] My turn.

[Frank] I caught her up after she'd left the Jockey.

-...on our secret telly? -Tinker Tailor.

Tommy Cooper. Blue Remembered Hills.

Ronnie Barker. Edge Of Darkness.

[Frank] Pans People flashing their clouts to Diamonds And Pearls.

-And? -Pearls!

Oh, I thought you were going to say Follyfoot Farm.

-Why the fuck would I? -Cos you know I like it.

You fucking watch it then, can't you?

Look, it's like I said, I'll get my own telly, right?

And you can sub me till an election, the election.

-Ask Cynthia properly! -[Frank struggles] Please.

Fuck it, I can't do this.

Just tell Cynthia to get back in her box, the silly old slop rag.

Granted!

[DI Carroll] Go on.

If it gets any clearer...

I'll be topping meself.

[house alarm blaring]

["Monkey 23" by The Kills playing]

♪ There's a monkey on my back Makes me talk like that ♪

♪ There's a monkey on my back Makes me talk like that ♪

♪ There's a monkey on my back Makes me talk like that ♪

♪ There's a monkey on my back ♪

♪ Makes me talk like that ♪

[rock music playing on stereo]

[mouthing]

[clears throat]

-What? -Tell us something about Frank, Mimi.

Kevin fuckin' Ball! You owe me 30 quid for weed and six years of interest.

[laughs] Not twice, you thieving scouse bastard!

-Pint? -Yes.

You lived here years before me. Frank Gallagher? Come on.

He hasn't give us one line of defence.

He shouldn't need to, Mimi. Plus, I worked here seven years.

Never paid scratch-card prize money in twenties,

cos before midnight, some of 'em can still count to five,

but ten tens, count three out before they've palmed one and they're...

Y'know what I mean?

Plus, Frank was paying in twenties, wasn't he? Is this on the house? Ta.

Y'all right, Monroe, how's it going?

Actually, I was in the shower this morning, going, "Things are looking"...

Y'know when everything looks more colourful?

If Shane's laid a finger on you, now is the time to say.

What? Give over.

Not twice with oven gloves, cos I'd blow him off if he did!

So, that's a Man B.

Marty.

Mar-- Marty? Are you stuffing crack up your crack, Kel?

Marty is me, Kev.

[Kevin groans] Oh, Jee...

-Myrna? Did you get it for us? -[Kevin] Marty? Marty?

No, hang on, hang on! [whispers] Pen.

-Pen, pen! -Right! Karen, you got a pen?

Ta. Right, go on.

Brilliant.

Tell 'em thanks for the collection.

Erm and...

Jamie.

Borrow you a sec?

This's Saturday's takings.

The only person drinking Flip-Flops was Patty. The only person paying was Frank.

He spent way more than Cynthia lost.

And between 'em, they spent more than that on scratch cards!

What, he couldn't have gone under her floorboards for more?

Plus, we paid her in tens.

Frank was blowing twenties.

Now then, I'll have one of them.

-It wasn't her money. -[Butch] Karen?

Yeah?

Can you come and look at something for us?

[Cynthia] Erm... ears waxed.

And de-loused.

And they've made me look absolutely champion down here!

-[people gagging] -[Avril laughs]

You didn't leave that in on purpose?

I didn't make her do it!

-You showed me this yesterday. -Nah, this is different.

-D'you remember Jody Garcia? -Yeah.

-Yeah, she's piled it on! -Tell me about it.

When I get hold of her number, first thing I ask is, "When are you due?"

What were you ringing her for?

Well she was in the queue for Panama 2 and got Frank on her phone.

He wasn't jigging on his own! Look!

[Kelly] I haven't a clue who it is, have you?

One of the Macready is dealing that patch.

That's "Growbag" Macready.

[Mimi] He's bunging something into Frank's pocket, and it isn't fucking caster sugar!

Which is a lot more believable as to where Frank got his hands on that turnover.

Is he working for Growbag?

Grow up!

Afghans wouldn't let Frank run drugs for 'em!

Do you know a Growbag?

Growbag Macready?

-I was at school with him. Why? -Watch this.

Why is this good news?

Cos look! He's slipping coke in me dad's pocket.

Will they let us take it in to show him?

[Shane/Kevin] Will they fuck!

[Kevin] We can't let the police get hold of this!

-They'll string him up! -[Mimi] Frank has to see it.

Or we'll be here till the Olympics.

[metal detector beeps]

Fucking 'ell, I am in trouble.

[Frank gasps] Kev Ball?

[Kevin] Your hair looks good.

Huh, you... fucking Harmony hairspray.

Sheriff of fucking Nottingham.

Listen, Frank.

In a sec,

not now,

Aidan's going to open his jacket and show you what's underneath.

Y'got a bit of weed? Just drop it by me shoe. Drop it.

No, Dad, the nipple.

What?

[blast of music]

[Frank screaming]

[Frank shouts] Argh, you fucking thing!

Yes!

Yes! Yes! Fucking... Yes! Growbag!

-That's Growbag! -[Carl] Yeah, we know! But Growbag what?

He was there.

-Dance. -He goes,

"Keep fucking dancing, Frank."

I will cut your throat here and now!

-What? -There's a drink in this for ya.

Just something I need you to look after for me for a couple of hours.

Cheers, Growbag.

Don't look round.

Cops are milking the overtime like Chilean fucking miners! Don't look! Start walking.

-You go straight to the Irish Club. -I'm on an errand.

You go straight to the Irish Club.

No, I'm meant to be walking her home.

You go straight to the Irish Club

and you stay fucking put till I turn up.

You don't sell it, you don't take it, you keep it safe.

Eleven o'clock.

With the coke. With the dog.

She won't be able to find her way if-- What dog?

A mad fucking Nazi mutt trying to hump me senseless.

But I must've got to the Irish Club as instructed.

[Frank] I'm here, Growbag, when you're ready.

[Frank] Oops, sorry. Begging your pardon, miss!

[Frank] Ah, for fuck... What's--? But I've got a meeting!

What happened with the drugs?

Well, no surprise there, I can't fucking remember!

But I must've had the nouse to shift a few bags to pay for the cabaret.

So...

Hey, I'm not the dumb fuck that everybody makes out, eh?

[Frank chuckles]

I've a gone a bit Mandela there.

[Frank chuckles]

Hey, and I get me money today, so,

skunk for tea! [nonsense singing]

[Kevin] Frank, Frank, Frank!

[Kevin] If you didn't walk Cynthia home, who did?

C'mon, grandma, let's have you.

Where's he gone again?

Keep smiling, sweetheart.

Just walk and keep smiling, all right? Good girl.

Mushroom, get her home.

[Frank shouts] Get her home!

Oh, 'kin 'ell!

But, I wouldn't, would I? I wouldn't, would I?

Why...

Why would... How would I... dib in a Macready?

Frankly, Frank, it's a bit late for that.

-No, seriously, don't. -Hang on a minute.

If you've heard all that, you know Frank's not in the running for this.

-I want it in a written statement. -No, no, that's your noose, Frank.

If you don't, I'll let you go and you take your chances with Growbag.

-Don't, Dad, seriously. -No way.

Eh?

All right.

You testify in both investigations Mrs Feltz, Vince Macready...

-Who? -Growbag!

Which guarantees you full privileges

of the official Witness Protection Program.

-You've no other option, Frank. -[Kevin] Don't do it, mate.

-[policeman gasps] -[Frank groans]

[Kevin] He's out cold!

[Aidan laughs]

[DI Carroll] What time do you call this?

I've been in a coma ten hours?

You've been knocked out for ten minutes. The rest you slept through.

St Mary's, if it makes any difference.

-Right, police guards and shit? -We're here.

And... I'm on full expenses for wotnot? Y'know, witness thingy.

Frank, fuck off!

As soon as she's done with your stitches, you're on your own.

Ah, fuck, they'll shred me!

Fucking shred me!

Preventing that is totally within your power.

Give me a supportable statement, I get CPS to grant you protected status.

Either way, you're going somewhere you've never been,

so don't forget your toothbrush, eh, Frank?

Any chance of a nosh, chubby chops?

[Frank groans in pain]

[Jamie] All right. I give you a phrase, you give me the name of the book.

"Bright eyes".

Most Haunted!

We've no carrots, so I'll give you extra onion gravy, all right?

Pass us an 'onion gravy' Frank.

[Jamie] Who said in which film "Please Sir, can I have some more?".

Bobby Sands!

Jamie!

[Jamie] Take over, Paxman.

-How'd you get here? -Through Highgrove Park.

-These should fit. -Fuck off, they're mine!

And that is going nowhere near him.

Oi! This is all down to you shamrock gobshites.

The least you owe me is protection, free bar and sustenance.

He's not kicking me out, the tramp.

This is the first place the Macready's'll look.

Ow!

Fuckin' hell! Osama Bin Deadawhile!

Right, Frank, in the shower, for fuck's sake.

I'll stick some of me Dad's clothes outside the door.

And Frank, can I just say summat while we're all in one room here.

We're all genuinely gutted about the rumours--

And brainless, lethal bullshit.

But I'm telling you, Frank, if you had've done it, you'd be lucky to be alive.

[Shane] We were only wrong about you decking a retarded pensioner,

but that's cos you were elsewhere

muling gak for a reptile whose gear you spunked and never paid for.

But, never once was I fingering you.

-That was Geoffrey and Bungle here. -[Karen] Fuck off!

-[dogs barking] -[men shouting]

-[man 1] Open the fucking door now! -Open the fucking door!

-[man 1] Open the fucking door! -[man 2] Get the fucking door open, now!

[men screaming]

[dramatic music]

Where's Frank? The Macreadys are on their way.

Frank's only dead if he's lucky, I'm telling you.

-Get him out the bath. -Gimme your car keys,

I'll disappear Frank.

Quicker than that!

-[Karen] Frank, move! -Where the fuck are you taking me, now?

-Just get him in. -In!

[Frank] Not so fucking rough, Karen!

[Frank] Just give us enough for a Holiday Inn then.

-[Kelly] Who'd you think you are? -[Frank] Says the prossie!

[Carl puffs anxiously]

Relax. It's a Muslim. [laughs]

[Carl] Nah, Ches, come on mate, this is bad timing this, mate.

-Will you chill out? -Ches, seriously, I can't, mate.

I've got Patty and Stella out there.

Where they belong, the tramps. Here you are, light that.

She's teaching your Stella Paddy rebel songs, you know.

-We do that, it's fucking Guantanamo. -[both laugh]

[Carl] Hmm, hmm.

Scared to go out.

Yeah, I'm not surprised, with that scraggy old turnip!

-[Chesney] Can I say turnip? -Fuck yeah! [laughing]

Look, hey, stay in your cot! Two secs!

["Soul On Fire" by Spiritualized playing]

-Where is he? -He'll be ages yet.

These won't last two minutes!

I'll sort you a lift home!

Hello, can I get a taxi, please?

♪ Never should say never ♪

♪ I've got a hurricane inside my veins ♪

[DI Carroll] I think she'll like that though. Would be nice, wouldn't it?

[Kevin clears throat]

You couldn't split a fiver for the slot machines, could you?

-Oh, hiya! -Hello, again.

Wow, what a coincidence!

-You and the mujidaddists, eh? -The Jihadists.

You had 'em all sitting about in your kitchen,

fuckin' singing, songs you couldn't even remember.

-Name one. -Any fuckin' one!

Look, I knew plenty of songs. Just mixed all the words up.

[Chesney] Hey... they've stopped texting.

-What've I done? -You serious?

What? You said they scared you shitless? You said they were lethal.

Yeah, they are.

All they wanted from me was bulk Jammie Dodgers at less than cost.

-I told 'em to fuck right off! Yes, lad! -[laughing and choking] Standard!

-Touch me now, with that one. -[Carl coughs]

I know, but look at all this bleach I'm stuck with!

And who else round here buys bleach?

[Chesney] Fucking hell!

-[DI Carroll] So, where's the helmet? -Hmm?

Chatsworth to here's five A-roads.

Taxi.

-To see me? -It was, yeah.

Jump? Or Justice?

Well...

I've had a couple of pervy accidents thinking about the first, when we met.

But, hey, no, I'm no threat cos I'm happily married.

Or happily married cos I'm no threat.

Fuck it, you know what I mean.

Hey, just for the record, I'm no pussy-gimp either.

-But, y'know, cheers. Anyway, how are you? -I'm good.

You're being a bit thick about Frank, no offence.

Whatever happens,

he's rattling like a vibrator in a biscuit tin, poor tramp.

He's had it with your lot, if he doesn't make a statement against Mushroom,

Growbag's hit list if he does.

I don't need to do anything with Frank, but wait for him to fall into prison.

Then why are your lads still out looking?

For reasons I can't disclose and in the public's best interest,

I want action sooner than later, yeah.

We could sort this out if you stop being greedy.

Who the fuck d'you think you're talking to?

Wow.

-That's just given me a semi. -[DI Carroll scoffs]

You can collar Growbag anytime.

You wanna flash your tits upstairs,

bagging Mushroom for attempted murder and a drug swoop.

Yeah, they're gonna love you upstairs, but I'm begging you, don't orphan Carl.

Being in charge is crippling the lad, whose dad, we all know, is innocent.

[Kevin sighs] Please, I'm begging you.

Bagging one Macready is more than enough to flash tits for your James Andertons.

What's Growbag's thoughts on that?

You've nothing without Growbag.

[DI Carroll] And if he can't hand his brother over, which he won't,

you've nothing.

You've fuck all without Frank.

-I can trust you? -Where's Frank?

[Kelly] I don't know how you coulda missed him!

-You two two-faced, useless little twat! -It was me, Frank.

-Kev did that. -No, I want the full Miranda,

in front of witnesses, every word or you can fuck off, I'm sticking.

You're not being arrested, you thick, stinking dicksack!

What does this look like then? [Frank groans]

[Frank] Easy! I'm not a fucking terrorist.

Crowing thrice! You ginger-haired hanging basket!

I've got me reasons.

-Well, I hope you choke on them. -Outside now!

If you're banging her, I'll bruise you, Kev.

Behave yourself! Oi!

-You have, haven't you? -No!

Look at me!

Scouts honour! Dib, dib, dib! Cross me heart and hope to die!

I let her watch me have a wank in the back of the car,

and she let me cum on her foot, bare foot.

But that's all.

I could've had the lot, but no!

[Kevin groans in pain]

He's on his own down her patch, how is that safer?

Oi, believe me, he's safer with her if this goes wrong.

Look, Mimi, right, has got us an appointment with Growbag,

in a couple of hours.

Growbag's gonna have to let Mushroom go.

-You're not serious? -Frank nails Mushroom in his statement,

cos, c'mon', he has to.

But he doesn't have to testify against Growbag, which is good news.

We're back where we started!

Except now, we've got information that Growbag seriously needs to hear.

How, where and when the police are planning their big raid on his patch.

-How did we know that? - From her!

[Kevin] Jesus! Come here! She's got her reasons, apparently.

[Kevin] No, no, no. Carl, you're not coming.

I've been talking to dealers since I was in year three.

Not one's connected to three murders that we know of.

Carl, if shit's going round about your dad,

and it will, and you hit the ceiling, and it all kicks off,

we're gonna end up buried under a scrapyard somewhere.

Right, and if you come back saying, "I did my best, but it's a no",

-then Kev, I'll blame you. -[door opens]

Shift it! In the car! He's fetched us forward an hour.

How much are you ordering and what's your best price?

[Kevin] Look, Mimi, right, there's been a change of plan.

Fuck off!

My dad's looking at five to seven if Growbag doesn't turn their kid in.

He worships his little brother.

[Kevin] Then we'll have to persuade him.

No! Fuck off, he'll have your necks on a butty.

You can't just change your mind!

We've arranged everything!

-[Mimi] What, Carl? -You're not gonna look so buxom

if this gets round, are ya! Oh! Ma Maguire's lost her bottle.

-What's that gonna cost you? -Shut your yap! I'm going.

Thing's have been a lot quieter round here since you and Hindley fucked off!

Right, I'll meet you on the corner of Springhill.

And it's just me and Mimi doing the talking? Promise kiddo?

Promise?!

Jesus!

[shouting] Quieter round here without me, is it?

I'm one of your own, you daft twats!

Fuck!

[phone ringing out]

Come on, Carl, come on!

[mobile rings from inside the house]

[Frank] I was seeing her home, and yeah, cadging, but no harm intended.

And I walked her as far as Panama 2s.

Yeah... Er...

[mobile vibrates]

Yeah?

[Kevin] Me getting to the Irish club's gone tits up.

-Say again, what went wrong? -[Kevin] Me. The bike.

No cars with four wheels or a body in the fucking boot.

Help!

Second right, then second left.

No, wait. One. Two. Three.

Did I say two? So, then it's three.

Is it?

-Where's your thingy? Your woman? -It got robbed. Second or third?

Remind me to get our Shane to fix you up with a cheap-ish one, on me.

It'll be mine anyway. Two or three?

-Who'd need more than one? -Fucking turnings! Second or third?

Third!

Where's Kev?

Turn round, Carl.

Fucking turn round!

-[menacing music] -[knocking on window]

All right?

[Irish folk music playing]

[drunk woman shouting] Fuck you! Get fucked, you big dumb fluffer!

[drunk woman] Give us a bottle!

[shouts] Come on, then!

And I'll slice your fuckin' skittle down to clinical average.

Do you mind? My daughter's fucking dancing!

[drunk woman] Fuck off!

Double vodka and a shot of Martini.

Snacks if you want.

Undo their wheel nuts.

What's happening, now? Is Kev kicking off?

[mouthing]

How's it hanging, D-I-Y-O-Y?

If that's undercover, I'm Jeremy fucking Beadle.

-Who've you brought? -No-one.

I'm here, because I realise your other meeting's pointless without me.

Mimi, Carl, Kev Ball.

When you hear what we've got to say, you'll regret all your threats.

Private.

You brainless two-faced cow! What are youse doing here?

What did I tell you?

A filthy ten-incher in a skirt.

None of us wants any of this overheard. Least of all you.

This bit can only come from you, mate. Come on.

Cynthia...

I had nothing to do with that.

Your Mushroom did.

Mushroom's never met Cynthia.

Never been near her house.

Attempted murder and rape.

-[Mimi] Oh, my God. -[Carl] Since when?

Her first question after surgery was, "Am I pregnant?"

It all came up on footage, this.

Been tracking me dad's movements since when...

That night.

Not a word from Frank offered or necessary.

I give you information to avoid imminent raid or raids by the drug squad,

we let this one go.

"We"?

You're not drugs squad.

Unlike your ex. Gus Carroll?

How is their new baby?

Hazel eyes, feeding issues, astigmatism,

two Christenings and pyloric stenosis.

He emails.

Carl, talk to him.

Before we go, from...

it's from thingy.

You get the dates of two planned drug raids on the table

from South and East divisions.

-When? -Today, for all you know.

It's not today. You've still time to shift out,

but if it ain't soon, you'll be leaving your shop behind.

Plus, you cancel my dad's debts.

Get a job.

That's two and half grand Frank lost me.

Your dead dog tried bumming him and the shit went all over the shop!

Did she?

We have got a fourteen million-to-one DNA match for your brother,

forensic matches of green paint from here

and witness ID from Cynthia if we need it,

but she really doesn't deserve that stress.

He did, Growbag, he kicked t'fuck out of her.

You've still got time.

[mobile keys beeping]

Where's our Mushroom?

Keep him there.

Plus... I need town transport.

Not you driving.

Mushroom stays with me.

Nobody fetches him.

I'll bring him in.

Can I? With a lawyer?

And you.

You tell Frank...

his slate's clean...

once he's done three 40-hour weeks on the family stalls.

[sighs anxiously]

[calm, positive music]

I'm here to ask a favour. Actually...

you owe me big time, so I'm calling a favour in.

Micky needs a place to stay, so I've said he can stop here.

-That's good of you. -You could do with the company.

I get enough company with you coming round every two minutes

telling me we can't see each other.

Hiya. Kel said you wouldn't mind.

-You could do with the company. -No problem, Micky.

Mi shithole es su shithole.

Told ya he wouldn't mind.

Micky could help with the bills.

-Such as they are. -Such as they are.

[Micky] I can grab some stuff from me mam's, y'know,

make it a bit more comfy and stuff.

-Like a hoover. -Fumigation kit.

[Marty and Kelly laugh]

You'll have a great time here.

-Are you sure you don't mind? -Like she said.

Kelly said. Do with the company.

Lonely on my own.

[Kevin] Ladies and gentlemen.

The moment you've all been waiting for, the man you've all been waiting for.

The man you owe a fucking fortune so dig deep or you're going to get some looks.

[man] Total knob.

Frank Gallagher!

[cheering]

Hey! Fucking hell!

Go on! Freedom! Daniel Day Lewis, fucking what?

-[Frank talks inaudibly] -You knobhead.

Oh! You know, The Stillborn Ultimatum.

Crossing a line there, Swampy.

Come on. Where were you, Skywalker?

Third party voyeurism and bombing about in a car

your Pappy couldn't afford if he-- [Frank groans]

[Chesney] Carl!

Well done, mate.

You know what you are to me, my lovely?

-Cut it out! -No, come on.

[Frank] A total cunt.

Ah! Drink on me.

Butch! Drink for the offspring.

Son of the father.

Butch, forget it, this boy's staying dry as a bone, here.

I'm running Kev back to Nottingham.

Are you moving, Jaffa Cake?

[Frank laughs]

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Miss Cynthia Feltz.

[cheering]

[Cynthia] Here's the fella!

Hey, fella! He's my little lover.

My own personal Umpeldink.

Fuck off, you stink of Dettol and shit.

Dettol and shit.

Yeah, so keep your distance, Fuzzy Feltz.

No, they had to shave me!

-[people groan in disgust] -[Frank] Everybody's eating!

Where's your purse, by the way?

Someone want to clue her in about double jeopardy?

-[laughs] -Eh! Eh!

[Carl] Fiona was 16 when she took over this family.

Debbie was about 11. Well... 11 or 12.

Lip never did, but only cos he was born knowing about that kind of stuff.

I'm 21 and never been asked!

[tape rewinding]

Y'know what's really true?

And what's to be admired, Carl?

You've never hurt anybody in your life, have ya?

Course I fucking have! You kidding?

Welsh Taffy, when I bust his bollocks.

Spent a fortnight in hospital. Ask anybody!

Yeah, that's cos he threatened your Debbie so you wanted to hurt him back, sure.

But you've never hurt anybody first, have you?

Don't think I wouldn't know how to.

-You should be really proud of that. -Cut it out, you poof!

Neither of us wants to hear me say this.

You've your dad to thank for that.

-[car brakes] -[Kevin grunts] Oi! Fuck!

It'll be the airbag next, you prick.

[both laughing]

-[car breaks] -Oi! You little shit!

Sorry, Kev, it's too fucking funny.

[moaning]

No!

[laughing hysterically]

I'm not concentrating on the road here! [laughing]

When people like your mum disappear, it's because they don't want to be found.

Tell me, you old bitch. Where's Mum?

Friends that bruise together, stay together.

She's already out. Sorry, mate.

If I took him back, I'd be on the streets and shooting up in days.

[Mimi] Billy is Cilla's dad.

You shagged a 14-year-old?

Mum, tell her you're not a paedo.

-Are you? -He's back. He wants access to Cilla.

Everything's perfect as it is.

Can you get off me now, please?

What's the matter? I'm not gay.