Original subtitles

-[tapping] -[intro music]

Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about 'owt,

needs to watch their back. [cries out]

So, you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk,

sending prices sky high,

literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots.

And now you've got your con-dem-nation,

Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.

Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?

Is revolution a word or was it never?

Anybody watching, needs to know

we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.

Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester

and they charge us for water!

I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found,

this green and pleasant land in ancient times...

Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!

It's not theirs anymore.

-This is our England now. -[cheering]

Party!

[intro music]

[intro music fades]

[Kelly] I used to go out with this lad in me teens.

A real pin up: blonde, blue eyed. Face of an angel.

If his timing had been better

and his voice didn't sound like a hot water bottle being trod on,

he could've been a contender, given Gary and Robbie a run for the money.

Certainly had the looks. The moves. He was charm personified.

Everyone loved him. Everyone.

But not half as much as me.

He was everything I'd never had before. Or since, come to think of it.

Attentive. Considerate.

Generous. Kind.

Until the night when he didn't take no as no.

No!

When I finally plucked up the courage to tell,

no one believed me.

"He wouldn't do something like that." But he did.

And it taught me a really valuable lesson.

Sometimes, devils come dressed as angels.

And angels come dressed as devils.

Only problem is...

Sometimes you only find out which is which when it's too fuckin' late.

["Lust For Life" by Iggy Pop plays]

[cop grunts]

["Lust For Life" continues]

♪ 'Cause of a lust for life ♪

♪ Lust for life... ♪

[Micky laughs]

♪ I got a lust for life ♪

♪ I got a lust for life ♪

♪ I got a lust for life ♪

♪ Lust for life ♪

♪ I got a lust for life ♪

♪ Lust for life ♪

♪ I got a lust for life... ♪

♪ Lust for life... ♪

[group singing] ♪ Raise your voice ♪

♪ When Jesus comes around ♪

♪ All that's bad goes to ground... ♪

Where there is darkness, I shall bring the light.

And where there is hatred, I shall bring...

love, love, love!

-♪ Salvation... ♪ -[Frank burps]

All I fuckin' need, a McCartney to play against my Lennon.

♪ You have the choice ♪

-[man] Hallelujah! -[woman] Hallelujah!

[Frank] You see, one mention of religion and it's got us all arguing,

while those cracked twats are peddling their shite,

lining their pockets

and frightening the lives out of the vulnerable and lonely!

Oh, fucking hell.

[Jesus] We're a non-profit-making organisation, actually.

-Oh, El Ron Hubbard. -You'll have to forgive him, father.

Keep telling you, Mimi. I'm not a priest.

Just one soul wanting to spread a little happiness to another.

-Would you be willing to put one up? -Anything we can do to help.

That's good to hear. Bless you, one and all.

[Mimi laughs delightedly]

What is it you lot are on, Ritalin?

What?

[Micky] 'Scuse!

-We haven't met. -Jesus. Jesus O' Toole.

Religious family? Yeah, I was called Bernadette.

Until I came out and they realised I weren't a girl.

I changed it by deed poll. In honour of the boss.

Oh!

We had a lad called Moses in our class when I was a kid.

But he got knocked over by a fork lift truck on work experience.

Got another poster? It's just for college...

There's a few lost lambs there, I can tell ya.

-Your name's Mike..? -Er... Mikey-

-Mick... Micky. -Angel.

-Stop it. -Michael was one of the Archangels.

God's hard man. Fighter. Coming?

[rapid heartbeat]

To the prayer meeting?

Yeah. Okay.

[heartbeat fades]

Tell your big brother next time he wants something, not to send you.

-He needs to come in himself. -Will do.

Call it twenty. Be getting me arrested.

[laughs]

[camera clicks]

[Grace] See you in court then!

[Jesus' Squad practicing scales]

-Can't you do something about that? -Oh, back off, miserable arse.

-Can't bar them for enjoying themselves. -I didn't mean bar them.

I just meant burn them at the stake, that'd shut the fuckers up.

Free country, Frank.

Only if you're a Christian Fundamentalist, apparently.

Or some other vocal minority. Like your fucking lot.

-What d'you mean by that? -[Frank] Oh, you see?

someone dares criticise, have an opinion, you're up in arms!

-Dad, shut the fuck up. -No, you can't have a balanced discussion,

can't dare to disagree. Oh, sorry.

But the vast majority of folk in the free world

don't share your point of view vis-à-vis your God

and the way his representatives on earth are conducting themselves.

You're welcome to your opinion.

-Cheers. -I just don't wanna hear it.

And don't we know it. Someone dares speak out of turn

you're down on 'em like a ton of bricks. Literally in some parts of the world.

-That's bang out of order. -No, Karen. Blowing yourself up

and taking folk with you who don't wanna go is bang out of order.

-You need to watch what you're saying. -Or what? You'll get a Fatwa on me, yeah?

-Frank gets a Fatwa? -[imitates missile]

-[Carl] Whoa! -[everyone clamouring]

I'm not saying one religion is any better than the other,

they're all shite.

Get off!

It's just a way of administering control

pulling strings. God's just a bogeyman!

-That is so offensive. -Well, I'd rate buggering choirboys

and abusing kids in care more offensive, Mimi,

but hey, y'know, one man's Sistine Chapel ceiling

-is another man's floor. -All Catholics bugger choirboys, do they?

-Yeah. -[Micky laughs]

Can't say I have. Shane?

[the Squad chanting] Go home to your wives!

Go home to your wives!

[Lillian] I've been here ages, say I'm the Devil Incarnate.

-I'd be insulted if I knew what it meant. -What's this? What you playing at?

-Just trying to raise awareness. -Not outside my place of work.

You're a whore?

Er, a little Old Testament for my tastes, but yep.

I thought you get everyone happy-clappy, not interfere with how I earn my living.

-Or give an opinion on it. -Let's pray, Kelly.

Join me.

Be forgiven.

I'll be on me knees as soon as I clock on for work

and you'll be flat on your back if you don't call your bitches off.

I don't want or need your forgiveness.

It's the Almighty you're asking to forgive.

And be honest, you could do with a little guidance in your life.

[scoffs]

Tonya could've done with some too.

With light in her life, she could've avoided a lot of heartache.

-How the fuck do you-- -Move!

-[woman] Watch out! -[laughter]

[Trixie] There's plenty more where that came from too!

-[engine revving] -I'm here to help, Kelly. Let me.

-What's going on? -How'd you know about our Tonya?

-How'd you know about me sister? -What's happening?

-Let the love in, Kelly. -Fuck d'you know me name?

All right, pal, what are you up to?

Spreading the word.

Yeah? Well, fucking spread it somewhere else.

Jesus loves you, Shane.

-[grunts in pain] -[indistinct shouting]

I'm praying for you.

[Jesus cries out]

He knows your name. He knows our names!

[Jesus grunts]

♪ Someone's praying Lord, kumbaya ♪

♪ Oh, Lord, kumbaya... ♪

He knew things about me. Me family.

Been here a week, could've asked someone your name.

Every now and then, you do come across a Holy man

-who has a direct link to him upstairs. -He's got those eyes, though, hasn't he?

They look right into ya. Know your every thought.

-[Mimi] See right into our souls. -[Frank] Trickery, Kelly.

It's smoke and mirrors, like all religions.

Except yours, obviously.

Fear of an all seeing, all knowing, unforgiving deity that doesn't even exist.

Except yours, as previously mentioned.

Hang on, got to admit it's been a bit nicer since they arrived.

Let me give you a hand, Lillian.

Kids off the streets, all on the bus,

socialising instead of making nuisances of themselves.

[WPC] Stop!

[all chanting] Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!

-Jesus is doing no harm. -You dropped your purse.

Oh, thank you.

[cheering] Well done!

Apart from picketing my business

and threatening to expose my clientele, you mean?

They're here to save a few souls. Let 'em fill their boots and move on.

[Chesney] I mean, how much harm are a gang of Bible bashers gonna do us?

-[laughter] -[indistinct chatter]

[muffled screaming]

[Kelly grunts, squeals]

You touch me and you're dead. I'm a Maguire!

[grunting] Just stop!

When they find out what you did to one of their own...

[man] At least I got the right one. [grunts]

[panting]

-Marty? -[groans]

-Me nuts... -[laughing]

We were in Spain. Paradise. [chuckles]

Happiest ever.

We had each other. The kids.

So, what happened?

Couldn't give her what she wanted. I tried.

Had this job in Fuengirola,

it meant we were just scraping by, but we were together.

Anyway before long... [supresses a tic]

she found someone who could give her what she wanted.

-She left ya. -Took me kids.

Arsin'... arsin'... arsin' around behind me back with some greasy wop!

Wops are Italian. You were in Spain.

All the same gel-wearing, tight-trousered bastards!

Put the fire out! She...

She put out the fire, desire, that I felt for her.

So, you're back here.

[breathes heavily]

Fuck, sorry.

Who is it?

[sobbing] Mum.

It's Carol?

-I had no idea she'd... -[sniffs]

[melancholy piano music]

[Marty sobs softly]

You have had a shit time of it, haven't ya?

Look, you can't stay here.

I'll have a word with Shane. It'll only be the couch, but...

at least you'll be warm, safe.

How about it, eh?

-Prayer meeting at 20:00. -It look like I go to prayer meetings?

Looks like you need to.

There's an Xbox on the bus. PS3. Wii.

-What's your name? -Mephistopheles.

Call him Meff for short.

-God sent me to save you. -[Frank] Oh, yeah?

Many women, bigger, wiser and on the legal side of puberty to you

have tried to save me and failed spectacularly.

Vernon Francis Gallagher. Nine children to two different women.

Claiming Disability Benefits on and off for a back condition,

which only materialises at the same time as the possibility of a job.

What are you? Some sort of LibDem, Tory spy?

Receiving Child Benefits intended for your dependants for almost 30 years.

That money never put a meal on the table. Clothes on their backs.

Me and my benefits are classified information.

It's theft, Frank.

A crime not only against your fellow man, but God himself.

I don't give a toss about me fellow man.

[shouting] And as for God...

-[blows raspberry] -[clapping]

[the Squad singing] ♪ Salvation or damnation... ♪

Who the fuck are you?

♪ You have a choice... ♪

See the light!

♪ Salvation... ♪

-[Shane] Fuck that! -[Kelly] He's on his own.

In that shitty squat the junkies used to use.

Here'y'are. Only wants Marty staying here. Veronica's brother.

All we need, a fuckin' arsonist.

[baby crying]

Micky!

-[frantic music] -[Micky breathes heavily]

-He's got nowhere to live. -[Mimi] Micky!

[panting]

[Mimi] Wouldn't be able to leave a match...

[pants, groans]

-...or a lighter out... -[panting] Oh, God.

...for fear of him torching the place.

-God, oh, God! -He's got a right potty mouth!

[guttural moan]

Fuck this, fuck that, fuck the other.

Every other word's fuck.

-Or twat. -[Micky] Who?

Marty.

He used to shout "cuntflaps" at the nuns in St. Morrissey's.

Cilla'd pick that up in no time. Imagine her, "cuntflaps".

-You've got a spare room. -No chance.

-Said that without moving your lips. -He is a bit of a liability.

-[knock at door] -[Jamie] Oh, for fuck's sake!

-You in on this, Ches? -Yeah, too right!

-Good. -Did you call Lillian?

[sighs] Couldn't get through.

[Chesney] Micky, you know where she is don't ya?

["The Good, The Bad, The Ugly -Main Title" by Ennio Morricone plays]

-[woman screaming, moaning] -[man moaning]

If the car's a rockin', don't come knockin'.

I've gone mobile.

I couldn't get a punter past the God squad,

-so I've launched 'Feels On Wheels'. -[screaming, moaning]

It's an orgy!

[Lillian] Didn't start like that. Two were late

and then all me appointments all went crashing,

so I thought, to hell with it, and chucked 'em all in at once.

I take a 10% cut and keep film and distribution rights.

They're being filmed?

Hey, little tiny cameras the size of match sticks.

Haven't got a clue.

-[Mimi] Who'd watch that? -[Micky] Big market for chubby chasers.

I knock out DVD's on the computer,

take 'em down the car boot on a Saturday.

Make a mint-a.

Oh, we're going to see Jesus.

I'm fucked off with the effect his crusade's having on business.

Jamie!

I'll be with you in spirit,

but if there's a ruck, I won't be of any use.

-You're getting on a bit, so-- -No, it's the love eggs.

Last time I was involved in a tussle, I lost one.

One of the girls had to come down and suction it out

-with the hose off the Dyson. -Ah...

-I just brought up a bit of sick. -So have I.

-[anticipatory music] -[moaning continues]

[music fades out]

Get your boss out here now or else you'll be meeting your maker

a bit quicker than you'd fuckin' imagined.

Wanna play it the hard way, that's fine with us.

Stop this, please!

For the love of God, stop.

None of this'd be happening if you'd come out when you were told.

We want your pickets removed from outside our businesses.

There's a message to be spread, Chesney.

Your brains'll be the only thing being spread if you don't listen up.

You're eating into our profits, that's not on.

Your trade breeds misery.

-Families ripped apart. -People have a freedom of choice.

I can't stand idly by and watch men and women drown

in the very thing that you sell.

Look at Frank!

Happiness his children have missed out on through his addiction.

If you knew Frank, you'd know his kids've had a lucky escape.

Call them off.

We're here to do God's work.

-Peace and love. -[the Squad echo him]

I can't call that off.

Can't ask it to stop.

Well then, you leave us no choice.

[Patty] You can't call it off...

[voice echoing] but I can.

-[chimes ring] -[heavenly voices sing]

[animal howling]

[sighs] So, why all the cloak and dagger?

Why jump me in the street? Why not just knock round?

I'm on the run. They've a warrant out.

For?

Didn't pay maintenance.

-[tuts] -[Marty] I didn't have it, Kel.

When she kicked me out, I ended up sleeping on the beach,

I lost me job. Didn't have a pot to piss in.

Besides... [supresses a tic]

...fella she moved in with was loaded. The kids didn't go short.

What?

You haven't swore.

[laughs] Fuck...

-Yeah. -[Kelly laughs]

Shane doesn't want you staying.

So, I thought the best thing we could do

would be to make this place as comfy as we can.

You've got a duvet cover there, too. Anything else you want?

A fuck.

Is that your Tourette's back?

[grunts]

I'll ask one of the girls to pop round. You got a type?

Er...

Blonde. 'Bout your size. [laughs nervously]

Lillian'll be docking me pay. Bye.

[suggestive music]

[Shane] It's me. Leave a message.

Nothing going on here, so I'll leave it an hour or so, then head home.

If you're at the Jockey, don't worry about rushing back,

bath and bed when I get in, I'm knackered. Have a good 'un.

Love you.

-[Kelly gasps] -[Marty laughs]

-Hey, leave 'em on. -Shat meself then!

-[Marty screams] -[Kelly] Oh, my...

-What do you think you're doing? -[screams]

-[Kelly screams] -[Marty groans]

[Marty laughing] Hang on, punchline!

-And all because... -[both laugh]

-The lady loves... What the... -[Marty laughs]

[both laugh hysterically]

-[Marty exclaims] -[Kelly laughs]

[Grace] ...and I pledge to thee my purity.

[children] And I pledge to thee my purity.

[Grace] And I pledge to thee my faith.

-[all] And I pledge to thee my faith. -Now and forever. Amen.

[all] Now and forever. Amen.

All right, crisps and pop coming up!

Enjoy!

You missed it.

-The prayer session. -I know.

You cannot just turn up for games, crisps and pop.

Cannot just reap the rewards, have to put the time in.

It's all new to me.

-[gunfire on game] -Like a big family, innit?

I'll be on time next time.

Erm...

I'm sure God wouldn't mind me making an exception.

Monster Munch or Nibletts?

[the Squad sings and plays tambourines]

Your cronies are fucking up business in the pub.

-And the shop. -And Lillian's.

-You have to stop, now. -I can't.

I wouldn't put myself in the middle of it, Patty.

Jesus was never afraid of a fight and neither am I, Jamie.

-I'd sooner not do this. -Well, then don't.

Leave the devil behind and look for salvation,

before it's too late.

I want you off the estate this time tomorrow.

No wonder your crew knew all there is to know about everyone.

The font of all knowledge, eh?

I know how people might redeem themselves.

Since he shone his light, my life is finally worth living

and yours could be too, so Hallelujah!

-Hallelujah! -Hallelujah!

[Patty] Join us in the light

and let his love illuminate the darkest corners of your life.

I don't really do religion, I'm a Catholic.

Do you think the Lord will forgive you for all you've done? Beware!

You beware.

If you think I'm gonna let you and yours fuck up my nearest and dearest,

you're wrong. No one messes with my family.

If you think we're a pushover, think again.

Blow it out your arse!

I'm New Testament,

your mumbo jumbo scaremongery's lost on me.

You want trouble, Patty? Bring it on!

Verily, God will visit upon you fire and brimstone and damnation!

[yelling] The earth shall weep, Mimi,

the earth... shall... weep!

Pepperoni, madam.

Extra Basil like you asked.

[laughing] I meant on the pizza.

With basil on tap, you can have it any time you want now.

I'm glad you're not in a hurry to get home.

No one to hurry to.

Shane's out on "family business".

-You mean kicking somebody's arse? -[Kelly laughs]

Or telling someone they're getting their arse kicked.

Not sure what he gets up to lately,

but I'm pretty sure it involves arses and kicking.

-Can't be easy being married to a Maguire. -[Kelly chuckles]

Bit of an effort lately.

All marriages go through funny patches, eh?

Yeah.

-Just be a funny patch. -Yeah.

Mam says we need to be on red alert.

-What's that mean? -Patty and her pals made a threat,

which Mam thinks we need to take seriously,

so there's a family powwow later to decide the next move.

Hiya.

What you been up to?

Not much. Someone nearly got their arse kicked, that's all.

You?

Been with a client.

-Can you smoke that? -It's Basil.

-[scoffs] You've give it a name? -No, Micky, everyone calls it basil.

-What's it for? -Cooking.

Stick it in a pasta, top of pizzas.

-[Shane] We're having pasta again? -No.

-Fuck you buy it for then? -It's a gift.

Some perv's buying you a plant as a thank you for paying to fuck ya?

It wasn't a perv, it was Marty.

-So, he's buying you a plant? -Shane!

punters've bought me watches before now.

Roses for the anniversary of when they first fucked me

and you and me, we laughed at that.

Why's it bothering ya?

-You do not buy a plant. -We're just having a laugh.

We just got talking about stuff we liked and... Shane!

["Lust For Life" by Iggy Pop plays]

[Kelly] Shane, come on, this is stupid!

-Shane, will ya-- -Fuck off!

It's a plant!

A fuckin' plant as a joke. A thank you, that's all!

Shane!

Stop it. Shane! [cries out]

-Shane, stop it! -[Marty] Shane?

-[Marty grunts in pain] -[Kelly] Stop it!

-[Kelly] No! -[Jesus] Shane!

-Leave it, leave it! -Fuck off!

None of your business, so fuckin' do one!

-Are you okay? -[Kelly] Just leave, please.

-[Marty cries out] -What the fuck are you doin'?

What the fuck's this about?

There was no need. Absolutely no need!

-[Marty groans] -He stays away!

You don't say who can and can't--

You... are my wife!

Kelly Maguire.

You got that?

-Maguire! -[yells] And don't I fuckin' know it!

-[Marty whimpers] -Come on. I said come on.

-[Kelly wails, sobs] -[Marty cries out in pain]

-[Grace] What's it like living round here? -Better than where I used to live.

We shouldn't even be talking to each other.

Being on opposing sides, you mean?

The Maguires asked me to find out what your lot are planning.

Been asked to find out what the Maguires planning.

-[both laugh] -Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all.

I'll pray for your soul.

Don't you ever get pissed off? I mean, erm, bored,

doing this all the time?

If I can get through to one person, just one, it'll have been worthwhile.

[mobile phone rings]

Yes, mate?

-Never just want a bit of fun? -I do have fun.

I enjoy my work. My mission.

Look, I believe in God but only for an hour on a Sunday.

-It hasn't taken over my whole life. -It needs to.

Don't you just want a bit of excitement?

-[glass smashing] -[car alarm ringing]

[fire hisses]

[Shane] Fuck!

These fuckers are harder than we thought.

Willing to go to any lengths to prove their point.

[Kelly] It might not have been them.

-Who else could it've been? -[Mimi] I told Patty the score.

She threw down the gauntlet. This is war.

So much for peace and goodwill, eh?

Me and my Brendan was involved in an explosion once.

Nineteen seventy two. We were on a cruise, celebrating us anniversary.

Having dinner at the Captains' table, when suddenly, this God almighty bang

and the ship tipped. Felt it, wham!

And within an hour, the whole vessel were upside down.

We were trapped.

That was the Poseidon Adventure.

Did it not happen?

So, we're just gonna sit here and let 'em get away with it?

Would you be doing this if I'd been blown to fuckin' pieces?

-[Jamie] No. -So, what do we do?

-Go round there and nail them. -[Micky] You mean kill them?

-Kill Jesus? -[Shane] Kill 'em all.

We tried the gentle approach, and they wouldn't listen.

Your answer to everything that, isn't it?

What do you suggest?

I dunno, anything but that.

-It's... It's just wrong! -It's all wrong.

This time tomorrow, our problem will no longer be our problem.

[suspenseful music]

[whispering] Kel! Kel!

-Are you okay? He didn't hit ya? -He wouldn't fuckin' dare.

Don't come round again, Marty.

[Marty supresses a tic]

-Why? -He'll kill ya.

-I can't just stop seeing ya. -You're gonna have to.

-I can't! -Why the fuck not?

Because I love ya.

[groans with frustration]

[whisper] I love you!

You sure you're okay?

Fine thanks, Auntie.

If you're agreeable, you could stay with us.

-Come with us. Join our Crusade. -You mean it?

Indeed we do.

-Where's Grace? -Upstairs, having a lie down.

I'm off on a few messages.

If you need anything, just call for Jesus.

I'll be in the office.

[thunder claps]

-What you doin'? -What's it look like?

It's upside down.

[Micky laughs]

Eh. Jesus...

If you hadn't dragged my husband off,

he'd have killed that poor bastard and be looking at life stretch,

so I owe ya.

Look, my lot have had enough.

And they plan to make sure you don't cause them no more problems.

-When they realise we pose no threat-- -Look, Jesus...

What's your real name? I can't keep calling you that.

-That is my real name. -What did your mam call ya?

Fuck's sake, I'm trying to have a serious conversation.

[clears throat]

-Eric. -Eric.

[whispers] Eric.

Some folk respond well to kindness, a soft touch.

Jamie isn't the type of man you wanna be messing with.

When the Romans came for Christ--

You wanna finish up in the foundations of a flyover?

Well, sit tight.

-[thunder claps] -[Kelly sighs]

There's something I don't understand.

You're a... [sighs]

good looking bloke.

Kind, considerate, passionate.

-Your love for God tells me that much. -Ya never been tempted?

You never been tempted?

I pray to God to keep me pure.

-You never longed for that touch? -That euphoria.

-Him. -His need.

My need.

[Kelly, Micky] When we make love, I could almost believe in God.

[whispers] It's that good.

It's that good.

-Don't be here. -They're coming.

-[Kelly] See ya. -[Aidan] Bye.

Nice shoes, Grace.

You'd better go.

-[sobs] -[thunder claps]

[suspicious music]

[screams]

-Fuck! -Have you heard from Libby?

I'm the last one she'd get in touch with.

-Where is she? -I don't know.

[sighs with relief]

Why are you so intent on seeing her anyway?

She didn't say where she was going or who she was going with.

Why would she tell me?

-She didn't leave a note for me? -What for her jailer?

-Her tormentor? -I'm her mother.

Just because you've seen the light,

doesn't mean to say everyone else has too.

[Frank groans]

[lighter clicks]

Go seek comfort in Jesus.

Not the real one, obviously, not suggesting you should top yaself,

but... you know, the himbo on the bus.

I'm sure he can rustle up a few words of comfort from some Epistle or another.

Y'know, rattle his tambourine.

[Frank laughs]

Fuck me.

The ice maiden melteth.

[sighs]

[grunts]

I shed a few tears for her.

Mostly of regret.

-You treated her like shite. -Regret that I ever met her,

that we ever picked up where we left off, cos truth be told,

there was nothing left to pick up.

But you know I got me tea made. Me washing done.

-A good nosh now and again. -You bastard!

All she needed to hear was "I love you" and she was on her knees.

[grumbles]

I've had better sex but me shirts have never been whiter.

I wondered when the real Patty would resurface...

and here she is.

[thunder claps]

[toilet flushing]

So, this is goodbye, then, is it?

I can't see any reason to stay.

[Frank] Where'd you go when you left here?

What turned you from the Godless old crone that we knew

to the Godfearing crone now before us?

Much like yourself, I lived a selfish life,

attending to my needs before considering the needs of others.

And then I went back to Ireland and while there,

had what I can only describe as my Road To Damascus experience.

So, God just popped up and showed you the error of your ways?

Yeah? Well, I don't believe a word.

See, I think little Patty clocked the Jesus freaks

and thought bingo,

free meals and a roof over me head the rest of me life.

I wouldn't expect you to believe.

I was a lost sheep and God saved me.

Liar!

May he strike me down here and now if I tell a word of a lie.

[thunder claps]

["Requiem Mass, K. 626: I. Introitus, Requiem Aeternam" by Mozart]

[thunder claps]

[cracking]

[siren in the distance]

Marty?

-I'm going. -Good.

No. I mean, I'm leaving this.

You don't have to leave this, just here.

My head's full of everything I've been missing.

You can have it all. I think God'd let you.

How can I preach purity when all I want to be is impure?

Preach goodness when all I want to do is bad?

I'm not worthy. They deserve better than me.

What you want to do, it's normal. It's not bad.

But I want it to be bad.

I want to bite the apple, Kelly.

Thank you.

["The Good, The Bad, The Ugly" by Ennio Morricone]

[chains clank]

[chainsaw revving]

[music fades out]

[Shane] Anyone?

[Jamie] Nothing.

[mobile phone rings]

-Ya got my present, then? -I won't ask where it came from.

-[Aidan] No, don't. -You got my present?

[Aidan] I got it.

Listen, next time you're saving souls round here,

come save mine.

Bye.

They say the damage to my spine is irreparable.

I'll never walk again.

You've taken it very well, Patty. I'll give you that.

I've got my life back, Frank. What could be better?

I don't understand..

The police are going to be here any minute

and what I tell them depends very much on you.

How d'you mean?

[Patty] Everyone on the estate knows how much you hated me.

Everyone knows how much you wanted me out the picture.

If you agree to have me move back,

then I agree not to tell the police you pushed me down the stairs.

That you did this.

Well, that's just my word against... Who's gonna believe you--

[cries out] Nurse!

Oh, God. Nurse!

The pain! [moans]

I think we'll have to increase your morphine.

I'm just gonna check with the Doctor. Hang on there, Patty.

[Patty moans dramatically]

Wouldn't you be better off back on the bus, amongst your own kind?

With those bible bashing bastards? I can't stand the feckin' sight of them!

I want to be amongst folks I know. Familiar faces. Surroundings.

I want to come home.

And I want to make your life a feckin' misery, Frank.

[Frank groans]

[softly sobs]

[Kelly] I ran into that old boyfriend a few years ago.

I was out with the girls in town, turned a corner and bang! There he was.

No longer a possible replacement for Robbie or Gary.

His face was etched with all the wrong he'd done.

All the pain he'd caused.

[Avril] Oh, they're here!

[Kelly] And if I believed in God,

I'd like to think he'd had every sin he'd ever committed

scratched into his face.

As a warning to others to keep their distance.

To beware...

That's, if I believed in God.

What you going on about, Cynthia? It's a scratch card.

[TV] Tonight a pensioner was brutally assaulted

in her home, in Belvedere Road.

If it gets any clearer, I'll be topping meself.

-It's Frank's name on the line. -Yeah, and his head.

[clamouring]

[Kelly] Don't know how you could've missed him.

What the fuck?

Forensic's rustled a few new words up for you, Frank.

DNA. Positive match.

If it was you, that'd be us finished.

I need to speak to Kev now, where is he?

[Lillian] Did my Brendan spend time in a Turkish prison?

-[Kelly] Midnight Express. -[Lillian] Oh...

-Play Russian Roulette in 'Nam? -[Kelly] Deer Hunter.

Did he find a dead body when he were a kid?

Stand By Me.

Tour Australian outback with a troupe of drag queens?

Yeah, he did that.

[man screams]