Original subtitles

-[tapping] -[intro music]

Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt,

needs to watch their back. [cries out]

So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk,

sending prices sky high,

literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots.

And now you've got your con-dem-nation,

Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.

Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?

Is revolution a word or was it never?

Anybody watching needs to know

we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.

Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester

and they charge us for water!

I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found,

this green and pleasant land in ancient times...

yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!

It's not theirs any more.

-This is our England now. -[cheering]

Party!

[intro music fades away]

[Mimi] My family's everything to me.

They are me.

I made them.

-Made them strong and resilient. -[voices coming from TV]

[Mimi] It's a mother's duty to prepare kids for the harsh realities of life.

I mean, it's not easy, is it?

Taught them from day one, it's family first.

I'll stick this up your fucking arse.

[Mimi] To look out for each other, watch each other's backs.

'Cos, as we all know,

blood's thicker than water.

I doubt you'd find it. [sighs]

You missed every other fucking hole.

[Mimi] And you know what? They're a credit to me.

-Shut up, Micky! -Mum!

Fuck's sake!

Shouldn't have got in the way, then.

[Jamie] Shift, soft arse!

[Mimi] Family is everything.

Family's the be-all and end-all.

-The start and the finish. -[shattering]

Family is king.

Even when the King's long since departed,

family lives on.

And the hard fist that keeps you in line.

[clacking]

I've had to park there.

Sort it out with the brewery. I ain't got cash on me.

[Jamie] Been fine to park here for years. Who's clamped it?

[Lillian] You should get a tit roll without your car being impounded.

[Jamie sighs]

[Jackson] You tried to put me in hospital! You saw it, Mark.

Went in heavier than a prop forward.

It's footy, not rugby.

Stop whining, you losers.

[mocking noises]

Defend yourself. Should've given the bastard a slap.

-It's a game. -A game with rules.

Forget them and you're fucked. We're all fucked.

Get real, will you, Jackson?

The world's full of no marks like him, waiting to take what's yours.

Don't get me wrong. Try it again in the replay and I'll have you.

You reckon?

Anyone can make a mistake, but do it again and I'll eat you alive.

-[teasing noises] -More like it.

You know it.

-A scoop before you head off? -Too right. Ches!

Nah, mate, got an early start.

[Chesney] Jackson! Better luck next time, lad.

[Mark] Tsk...

-Surprised you asked him. -Why?

His lot don't drink, do they?

Well, at least there's one name. I think it's one name.

Conchita Maria Teresa Bonnita Ricardo Martinez.

No, that's me.

Wanted to get the ball rolling.

[Mimi] Weren't you in a course on wiping babies arses?

Doing drama, contemporary dance and needlecraft now.

Needlecraft?

Got to put a variety show on.

The best act gets to perform in front of a Royal.

So long as it's not Edward, or that ginger one.

Or Charles. Or Willy. The one with the teeth and the horses.

Or the Greek one or the other ginger one.

I just want to win it.

All that lot think I'm a right retard.

The Student's Union thought I was there for mental health awareness week.

Am I the only one serving here?

[Mimi and Karen] Yeah.

Cheeky fuckers. You got showbiz running through your veins.

[Karen] Got a lot running through his veins, but showbiz?

[Mimi] My brother, his uncle Robert,

toured the clubs as a magician, and worked the liners too.

-Uncle Bobbi, yeah. -Robert.

I remember him saying cruising was his life.

-In the magic ring and all that. -Circle.

Why I've never met him?

[Mimi] I got married, moved away and he had his career... Showbiz pals.

I loved the bones of him, but we moved in different worlds.

He was globe-trotting and I was rearing a family.

-You should get in touch. -I tried!

[Mimi] With ya now, love.

[Micky laughs] Crack.

[indistinct chatter]

Jesus, what charity is it this time?

You serious?

BAP.

-Tit? -BAP.

-Tit? -BAP.

B-A-P. British Alliance Party.

Raffle tickets for their social club.

Wouldn't thought you'd fit their demograph.

-And why would that be? -[Kelly] On account of you being...

black, black, black, black and black.

That's not what they're about.

[Kelly] Compulsory repatriation,

a complete ban on immigration, and laws discriminating against gays and women.

-What else could they be about? -Whatever.

See ya.

[Micky] Jamie's doing his nut. Don't clamp him.

Bastards.

Err, we shouldn't've clamped him, Micky.

That's me, you and Manchester Clamping Solutions.

He won't pay up. You know what he's like.

Who gives a shit?

I do.

I put money into it, I've got a say.

No, you haven't. You're a silent partner.

Now shut the fuck up.

It'll kick off.

For fuck's sake, stop whining, will ya?

I'll take it off, all right.

Why do you always have to have a pop at each other?

Why can't you just get on? You're brothers, for fuck sake.

Nothing more than a biological accident, Micky.

If I hadn't swam faster

or Dad decided to have one off the wrist instead of impregnating Mum,

we wouldn't even be here talking.

Look, Jamie is a cunt.

A prize cunt who thinks and cares about no one other than himself.

Believe.

Fuck's sake!

[clang]

[Jamie] Amateurs.

They'll charge you more for destroying their property

and them clamps aren't cheap.

It's a scam.

Get yourself a phoney license, stick a few photocopied signs up.

You're wrong there, Jamie.

They're subcontracted and endorsed by Manchester Clamping Solutions

and are operating according to local by-laws

-and governmental legislations. -How do you know?

I heard it somewhere.

-Go back in the pub, I'll handle this. -You?

You shouldn't mess with them, I've seen them.

You've seen them?

-What do they look like? -About that big.

Chinese... Triads, hard fuckers.

Micky, do me a favour, will ya?

Look, this is too dangerous. We can't afford to lose you.

I'll handle it, go back in there.

You'll make Connor an orphan,

the poor kid will grow up not knowing his dad.

I'll talk about you, obviously, an keep your memory alive, but...

[yelling] Micky, will you fuck off?

[clamp clanging]

[Shane] Oi, the fuck you doing?

[Micky] It's all right, I'm on it.

That's my property.

You?

You said it belonged to a Chinese dwarf?

No, it's my new business.

It's all sorted now. No harm done.

[Shane] You're parked illegally, you've damaged a clamp.

That'll be 70 quid.

In your dreams.

[Shane] Pay the fine, or I'll keep putting it on.

-And I'll keep cutting it off. -I'll pay it.

-Keep your fucking nose out. -[clamp clanging]

I won't tell you again.

-[Shane] Fuck do you think you are? -[Micky] Your brother, we're brothers!

The guy who's about to rip out your fucking lungs.

That's enough!

[Micky grunts]

[whispering] Oh, for fuck's sake.

[women whispering]

Guess who won the raffle?

-[Lillian] Fix. -[all] Heil Hitler.

What the fuck?

[Kelly laughs]

What've you won?

Dinner at the Meat and Two Veg restaurant.

In Burnley.

-Fucking Burnley? -Wow.

All home grown produce, British beef.

Ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome, Jackson?

They're not brainwashing me. It's sport, not politics.

-They're decent people! -They said the same thing about Mengele.

"He's not too bad once you scratch the surface,

get over that whole genocide thing."

They just want us to look after ourselves.

Brits.

State the economy's in, charity begins at home.

We need to take care of our own before we can help anybody else.

[Mimi in distance] When did this happen?

-[Jamie yelling] -He'll be invading Poland next.

[Shane] How do you think?

Karen, get him some water.

What are you up to?

They're obliged by law to accept membership from all walks of life.

Black, Asian, gay, whatever...

and I want to see if they will.

If they genuinely accept me or they're paying lip service.

And what if they are?

Then I expose the two-faced Fascist bastards

for who they are and close 'em down.

-[Mimi] We almost called an ambulance. -[Shane] Alright?

-Do you want owt getting? -I bit me tongue.

-How could you do this to your own? -This wouldn't have happened

-if he hadn't clamped the van. -Jamie should've paid up.

What's it got to do with you, Hitler?

We're business partners.

Pft... Business partners.

[Mimi] Your brother's concussed and you're still tearing at each other.

What's it going to take for you to grow the fuck up?

I'm ashamed to call you family!

[Bobbi] I recognise those dulcet tones.

[room quiets down]

Robert?

You came, uncle Robert!

Bobbi, with an I.

Like Liza.

Minnelli, that is, not Tarbuck. [sniffs]

No kiss for your sis?

[silence]

Fuck me.

[Bobbi] I'm sorry about you and Paddy.

-You hated the fuckin' sight of him. -Well, true enough.

Micky traced me down via my agent,

said you'd been looking for me.

Said you'd been missing me.

I missed you too, you know.

Just one minute you were seeing that gobshite,

next minute you were up the duff, married,

then at the wrong end of the M62.

-Whirlwind romance. -Shotgun wedding.

I did try and keep in touch.

I did a few gigs here, years back. Gave you a knock, but you were never in.

[Bobbi muffled] Meems!

Sh!

[Bobbi] Meems!

Did write.

I just thought you were dropping a hint.

-So I took it. -You're my baby brother.

If only we had mobiles in them days, eh? E-mails.

Well, we're here now, aren't we?

Hepburn sisters, back together again at last.

I'll be Audrey, you can be the one with the voice like a man.

[chuckles]

-Robert, listen. I hate to say this but-- -Bobbi.

Nobody's called me Robert in an age.

-[chuckles] Bob-- -Bobbi.

-Bob. -Bi.

Bobbi,

it might be an idea to tone down the whole...

showbiz angle while you're here.

Just cut the camp shit.

People round here like the women to be women and the men to be men.

Don't we all!

-[Mimi sniggers] -I hear you.

-I hear you. -Good.

Suitcase is at ours.

[Mimi] No brother of mine's staying in a scabby B&B.

Micky's on the couch, you'll have his room.

-Did you change the sheets? -Yeah.

-Get rid of the wanky hankies? -Erm...

Thanks, Micky, love. That's very kind of you.

You're family. The only other uncles I've got

are either dead or in, erm...

Argentina!

-[Mimi] I need to get back to work. -How about I take my favourite nephew

for a proper drink, a real drink? C'mon.

[whispering] Two days max and he's out of here. Get that?

Shane.

You kept that fucking quiet.

[Shane] When I was a kid,

I thought he was the magician, not the assistant.

-What's the big deal? -He looks like a woman.

[Jamie] Mam's sung his praises for years.

-Why wouldn't she mention he was a tranny? -It obviously doesn't matter to her.

They were dead happy to see each other.

[Kelly] He's the only family she's got besides you lot.

Don't spoil it.

-What the fuck is that supposed to be? -[Patty] Transvestite.

A man who likes to eat, drink,

[whispering] and be Mary.

It takes balls to be a tranny. And a penis.

I should know.

[punter laughing] What big hands you've got! What big feet you've got!

-[woman] What a big cock you've got! -[laughing]

-Have I got cunt written on my forehead? -No, Mimi.

Then don't treat me like one and the same goes for my sist...

brother.

[people laugh]

Spread the word.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

-Eight pounds, please, guys. -Third cup replay we've lost on the trot.

We need to up the training regime.

Few less lagers and a few more five K runs.

-Ten K runs. -[Mark] We'll put a programme together.

Still time to finish the season with dignity.

-I like that, a bit of positivity. -A bit of delusion.

There you go.

[Mark] Eh, lads!

What do blondes say after sex?

-Thanks, guys. -[men laugh]

-We're off for a bit of scran. Coming? -We've got plans.

-Where are you off? -Chinky.

Prick!

It's a joke. Like the one you just laughed along with.

Come on, mate. He's just having some fun.

-It's just a word. -Like Paki.

Or nigger.

I piss myself laughing every time I hear it, eh, Jackson?

Rolling on the floor. Splitting my fuckin' sides.

[laughs]

[silence]

[door shuts]

Everyone knows he's in the wrong. Shane's a dickhead.

You're smarter.

Just shrug it off for the sake of the family.

-The bigger man walks away. -[Karen] You're right.

We know you're right. It's not like losing face.

It's another bit of hassle we could do without.

Please.

For me.

Okay, for you.

My little West End Wendy!

Now, I don't wanna frighten ya,

but you've got a show in a few days and you haven't got one fucking act. So...

Can I get everyone's attention, please?

Now, anyone with an artistic flair that they don't mind showing,

nothing pornographic,

can sign up to perform in Micky's Variety Show.

This...

is your chance to show us...

what you can do.

Oh, forgot to say!

Anyone who is participating, it's free ale all night.

[ruckus]

What the fuck you doing? I can't shell out for this.

You don't have to.

Charge on the door.

-You'll make your money back. -Mum, sort this out.

Oh, Mimi, isn't he gorgeous when he's riled? If I wasn't his auntie...

[muffled music]

You all right?

Why wouldn't I be?

You don't look like someone who's found their long-lost brother,

-the one you said you worshipped. -I'm made up to see him.

So made up, you want him out the house in 24 hours?

Drop it, eh?

Leave it, Micky!

Karen says she needs some vodka, crisps and nuts from the cellar.

Gullibility runs in the family.

[Mimi] Micky!

Micky!

Let me out! Bastard!

Just sort it!

He reckons it's about time me and you had a talk.

And I think he's right.

[Bobbi sighs]

-All the wives take their turn. -Ah...

That is so considerate.

Thanks.

Otherwise, one person ends up doing the whole lot, every week.

Which wouldn't be right at all.

-[Avril] Oops. -For fuck's...

I do yours out of some misplaced sense of obligation.

The SS can do their own.

They also take turns to cook.

-Fuck right off! -It'll help me infiltrate the group!

You're a trainee teacher, not a member of MI-bleeding-5.

-No way. -Please.

-No! -If I want a chance to bring them down...

And who put you in charge of social justice?

-Someone needs to make a stand. -And that's you?

Jackson, you can't even put a fucking shelf up!

They're coming for dinner tonight.

[door shuts]

[liquid pouring]

What are you fucking doing?

[Bobbi] It's the vodka, I'm pissing like shire a horse.

Well, I don't want to see your dangly bits!

Try standing up against the wall and doing it like a normal man!

[Bobbi] Normal?

And what the fuck is normal?

Certainly not you.

-You have no idea what it's like being me. -Oh, yeah?

-I also have facial hair and haemorrhoids. -How bad my life was when you pissed off!

At least you had a life!

All my life was spent coping with being your sister,

while you were swanning round being Quentin fuckin' Crisp.

I had to deal with the fallout!

Quentin fuckin' Crisp? I'm not a gay man.

I'm a woman, okay? Born with a cock.

Yeah... Definition of a woman with a cock: man.

-I feel like a woman inside! -Oh, yeah?

Well, I feel like bleedin' Pamela Anderson inside,

but not much chance of you seeing me in fuckin' Baywatch, is there?

-I'm a woman! -Cock!

-Woman! Woman! -Cock, cock, cock.

[Mimi grunts]

Fighting your battles for you,

defending you while you pranced round the streets in Ma's heels!

You were a self-indulgent, spoilt little bastard!

[yelling] You've got no idea what I went through,

the pain that I suffered

and all that time you were laughing at me, Mimi!

I was screaming for help.

I was begging for somebody to give me their hand

and all that time you were laughing at me,

taking the piss...

while I was drowning.

I was drowning.

Urgh! Your bollock's out.

[Mimi] It was like The Crying Game all over again, only in 3D.

Are you two okay now?

[Mimi] If I'd have known...

If we'd have talked,

your burden could've been lighter.

We could've gone on Trisha or that gobshite on Granada.

[spits]

[Mimi] Talked things through,

reached an understanding.

A resolution.

But from now on...

my casa, su casa.

-English, please. -It means her house is my house.

[Mimi] As long as you want to stay, you're welcome here.

Such a lot to catch up on.

Come here, love.

[kiss]

[Bobbi] And one more thing.

Jamie and Shane obviously aren't too comfortable having me around, so...

I might as well say this here.

We had a homo in the footie team and they were cool with him.

Apart from touching him during a tackle. Or bending down for the ball.

Or him kissing them if they scored.

And the showers. And having him on the team but...

[Bobbi] Erm... I've rehearsed this a million times

and I've never got it right, so, er...

forgive my, er, bluntness.

Robert Hepburn's days...

on earth are numbered.

-It's the AIDS, isn't it? -Oh...

[Mimi] It's God's judgement. You've been smitten. I fucking knew it!

-Oh, sweet Jesus, I could be next! -Mimi...

I told your dad more than once,

-it's not in God's plan. -Mimi, love...

If he'd had meant us to do it like that he'd've made it easier

-to get it in! -Mi--

-[Mimi shouts] -[Bobbi] Mimi!

It's not fucking AIDS, okay? It's not AIDS!

I've been living as a woman for years.

-With a woman? -As.

Undergoing psychiatric evaluation, hormone therapy.

I'm waiting to get the nod.

Come on, I've always said that me John Thomas gets in the way.

-Well, pretty soon it won't. -John Thomas?

-Snip! Ooh! -[swooshing sound]

Oh...

-[knocking] -They're here!

-[soft music playing] -You're fucking kidding!

One word out of place and I will rip their heads off

-and shit down their necks. -[music stops]

[Jackson] All right? Come in.

You must be Avril.

I hope you like white.

I like most whites.

-[Jackson] Thanks for coming, mate. -Our pleasure.

-[door shuts] -Welcome.

-This is Ellen. -Hiya.

Jackson? Coats.

Thanks.

[Mark] Thanks, mate.

[Avril] Go on through.

Two G&T's, please, Micky.

The Scouse transvestite. Hardly convincing.

-Why's that? -The wrong shade of orange for a start.

[Mimi grunts]

[Frank grunts in pain]

Dina wants to audition for the talent night.

Hardly talent, even I can do that.

She's got a grip like a python. The punters call her the penis fly trap.

-The things she can't do with her libia... -Anyone can smoke a cigar.

What, like that?

[queef]

[Mimi] Admittedly, not.

No, no, but I'm going to fucking learn one day.

Right, Micky, get her third on the bill,

behind that deaf kid that did the yodelling...

[yodels]

Audience'll need perking up after that.

And, er, me and Bobbi'll be rehearsing a little special something too, won't we?

Mm-hm, sister act.

Shane's clamping anything with wheels.

I'm worried for my mobility.

[woman] They've only clamped the bloody pram!

[man] Bastards!

My punters are too scared to park.

[Libby] How are the acts going to get their gear in here?

Where are your tutors expected to park their cars?

[Micky sighs]

-What've you done to Shane? -Dunno.

-He's not answering his phone. -[Jamie] Well, maybe he's tied up.

-You've done something. -[door opens]

-Where is he? -[door shuts]

[yelling] Bastard!

Fucking kill you!

[racket]

-[Micky] Whoa! You said you'd back off! -What is going on?

I'm just showing Shane the inconvenience...

of being clamped!

[all shouting]

-Pack it in! -You said you'd walk!

You'd do best to remember who pays your wages.

Time for you to nail your colours.

-He's in on the business. -[Micky] Oh...

Silent partner.

You work for me or you work for him.

Not both. It's time to choose.

-Smells fantastic, don't you think, Ellen? -Mm.

It's an old family recipe.

Braised crocodile cheeks

in an apricot and prickly pear sauce.

A delicacy where my family come from.

Just pulling your leg.

Creole Chicken.

[Mark chuckles]

-Nice of you to invite us. -That's entirely down to Jackson.

I wouldn't normally piss on a member of the BAP if he were on fire.

[Mark] We've got a bad reputation.

Something we're working on.

How, exactly?

Well, we're opening doors.

If you're British born and bred, you're welcome.

[Avril] That's to fit in with a legal requirement.

You wouldn't do it if you didn't have to.

Eat.

She's right to be suspicious. Country's gone to the dogs.

Agreed?

We're all getting ready for that spring, summer, autumn and winter of discontent.

So your party isn't waging a war against race any more.

It's... a class war now.

The country's being run by a gang of public schoolboys

who don't know the meaning of doing without.

A millionaire boys' club,

who've got the temerity to tell us to tighten our belts

while they're going to their holiday homes in Barbados.

So it's equality you're after?

We're after British people being treated fairly. Put first.

We've got a march this Saturday.

Lefties and students are onto it.

Some contacts have told me they're going to meet us mob-handed.

You're cancelling, I hope?

We've got a democratic right to our opinion.

The march's going ahead.

They won't be able to chant their usual racist insults at us.

Not once they've clocked our poster boy.

-You up for it? -Deffo.

[Avril] You know as well as I do

it will turn into a riot and you'll be at the front of it.

It won't.

If you're lucky enough not to end up in the morgue,

-you'll lose your job. -That won't happen.

[shouting] Will you take your fucking head from up your arse

and wake up to what it is you're getting involved in, Jackson?

Anyone accuses me of going along with what that lunatic's preaching

and I remind them I was the one that leaked this.

-What is it? -A list...

of every BAP member registered to vote in the UK.

Where d'you get it?

I get this to the papers and I save a few heads being kicked.

He'll know it's you.

Not me.

I'll ask Chesney to do it.

Stop worrying.

Come here.

I've got it covered.

[people cheering in distance]

You nervous, Michael? You've every fucking right to be.

These are your two choices.

It's all down to you.

And over to the lovely Roberta for that last-minute reminder.

[Bobbi] Thank you.

-[catcalling] -Eh, stop it, cheeky!

-[canned laughter] -OK, choose Jamie

and you condemn Shane and Kelly to a life on the outside,

with absolutely no back-up whatsoever from any Maguire.

Within weeks

they'll be sleeping rough, forced to sell what little they do have,

in order to survive! [giggles]

-And choice B, please, Roberta. -Oh!

Choice B, Shane.

By choosing him,

you'll essentially be dismantling the family business,

so you and Shane will not be able to work for the family,

therefore rendering the family business, by definition, redundant!

-[Bobbi giggles] -Do remember, though, Michael,

choice B carries the hidden bonus of a return for your ma

-[shouting] to the Holy Land! -[applauses]

That's right, Mum will get an all-expenses paid,

one-way trip all the way back

to the banks of the Mersey!

Michael, it's time to...

[male voice] Make your choice!

-[Bobbi] Choose! Choose! Choose! -[Mimi] Choose! Choose! Choose!

[Mimi in distorted voice] Choose!

[echoed voice] Choose! Choose! Choose!

-Choose! Choose! Choose! -Choose! Choose! Choose!

Choose! Choose!

[Micky cries]

[gasps]

-It's time, Micky. -We need a decision.

-Not yet. -Do it now.

-I can't! -You're going to have to.

I need more time.

-You haven't got it. -But I need an extension.

Look, there's too much to consider at such short notice.

You know me. It takes me half an hour to decide which side of bed to get out of!

There's only one side you can get out, you daft twat.

-Your bed's against a wall. -It was a metaphor!

Cornflakes, Weetabix, Coco Pops.

Black socks, white socks, sports socks,

boxers, Y-fronts, G-string!

There's too many decisions to make as it is!

[Karen] Micky, what colour?

How the fuck should I know, you s...!

Sorry, Karen.

Two soft whites, please.

[Patty] Is it true, then? You're just waiting for the snip?

Jungle drums been banging, have they?

What do you do with it while you're waiting?

I mean, where do you pour it?

Well...

Let me get the drinks in

and then I'll tell you all you need to know.

Mimi, love, can I get a G&T

and whatever my new best mates are having?

These are on me, love.

Aw.

You know, I was always the one with the talent. And the looks.

People used to say to me I was more of a woman

than she could ever be.

-[laughing] -They did! No, they did!

Spag bol all right for you, Bobbi?

You know me. Love a bit of spick.

-Are my slacks ready yet, Meems? -[Mimi] Oh, upstairs.

I'll just give them a quick once-over with the iron.

[Bobbi] We're not so different.

-No? -No.

Apart from you being a two-faced shit who slag off her behind her back?

-It's grown teeth. -She's me mum.

She's my sister.

-I'll tell her. -No, you won't.

You know as well as I do,

if you let her know that I really think she's a fat, ugly,

embarrassing waste of space, it'd break her heart.

Don't.

Leaving me alone in Liverpool was the best favour she ever did.

The only reason I'm here is 'cos I've nowhere else to go.

Are you going to tell her that as well?

No.

You haven't got the balls, Micky.

In a few weeks you can have mine.

-I'll tell her. -Meems!

Micky's got something he'd like to say.

No, I was just saying

I'm really looking forward to your duet with uncle Robert.

Steal the show.

-It's Bobbi. -It's fucking Robert.

All right, Frank?

[rock music playing]

I'm so high, I don't wanna come down, Jimi.

See you on the flip side.

[audience cheers]

Wanker.

Was hoping you'd be in.

Get in the car.

Some fucker robbed the membership list.

We've got a lot of support up on high,

but people'll be terrified to back us if this gets out.

If it gets out?

I always keep this memory stick on me.

Mate of mine's a journo at the paper that got contacted.

He dialled 1471, got the number,

we did a bit of research.

Found out who it was.

-Go on. -That little Paki bastard you know.

Chesney?

Listen...

Ches isn't politically minded, not in that sense.

He went through my stuff while we played footy.

So what will you do, give him a hiding?

Gonna make an example of him.

What do you mean, an example?

A couple of the lads are on their way over, tooled up.

-We're gonna have a few cocktails. -Cocktails?

Always have a few drinks at a barbie, don't you?

[engine revs]

-Mimi, same again. -Yeah, OK.

It can't have been easy

growing up knowing what you knew.

That you were trapped.

I can't imagine what that must feel like.

I can.

[Bobbi] Well, everyone's got their burden.

-How come it's taken this long? -Having his cock cut off?

[Bobbi] Didn't have the confidence, or the backing of me family either.

To be fair...

it can't have been easy news for your mother and father to absorb.

[Lillian] When Rodney said he was a philatelist,

I stayed in bed for a month.

You expect that from the older generation. But I expected a little bit of support...

was from my own sister.

And it never came.

I tried to end it all.

A scream for help that was never answered.

Abandoned at 16, mum and dad dead.

With the burden of a penis you never wanted.

When I had my appendix out, they gave me it in a jar.

-Are you thinking-- -No.

Here you go, girls. Run off my feet here.

-Everything all right? -Fine.

[Bobbi] We need to get some bread rolls, mayo, cans of tuna, cans of ham.

[Avril] We can rustle up a decent buffet between us.

When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.

I'll get a few bob out of petty cash.

-Will you go for it? -What, in these heels?

-Well, I'd rather have ham. -I'll put cheese on a bit...

[Chesney] Bastards!

Come here!

[kids shouting]

-I know your dad! -Yeah? Well, I fuckin' don't!

[kid] Dickhead.

Least we know he's in.

Soon as the lads arrive, we're on.

Time for you to prove yourself.

We're shaping history, Jackson.

You should be proud.

It'll be fine, the show. It's gonna be great, I can feel it.

You reckon?

The whole estate's buzzing. One to remember.

Proud of you.

Yeah?

Well, not everyone could organise a night like this.

Takes a lot of dedication and skill.

And don't forget,

there's a little of Bobbi's DNA running through them veins.

[door opens]

-[Shane] Decision time. -Time to make your choice.

I can't, I need a slash!

Straight in, straight out.

We've got plans to make.

[Jamie] We've got plans to make.

[urinating]

[thud]

[Bobbi] We need bread rolls.

-[Mimi] Will you go for it? -[Bobbi] In these heels?

You can work this to your advantage, soft arse.

All you've ever done is give to those... bastards,

and what have they given you in return? Their respect?

-Their love? -Fuck off, they love me.

They've got a fucked-up way of showing it.

But it's hardly surprising with the parenting that you've had.

Fifty-fifty.

Come on.

Come away with me.

Sun all year round, sandy beaches

and all the cock you could handle. Come on.

Jamie!

Shane!

They're gonna shit on you for the rest of your life if you let them.

Bang on time.

You know the drill, boys.

Soon as it's alight,

chuck the can into the flames and walk.

No.

Everything I've worked for,

everything I've built up over the past ten years

has been fucked over by that little bastard,

and he's gonna pay.

Get your bala on.

Mark, Mark, Mark, please! I'll do anything.

[Mark yells]

Stand up for your rights. That's all I'm asking!

[Jackson] Get out! Everyone out! Get out!

-Quick! -[Avril] What's going on?

[Avril screams]

[Mark] Piss off, love. [grunts]

[Chesney] The fuck? [screams]

[rock music playing]

-I've got your back, Jimi! -Cheers, Frank.

Bastard!

[old woman] Fuck off!

[screaming]

It was me who copied your membership list.

If I see you again, or have any trouble from you,

it'll get to the national press.

-You got that? -Yeah...

Good.

And this is for Ches.

You robbed the takings from your own sister?

Oh, what can I say?

I'm sorry.

[Mimi] I'm still trying to get my head round this.

From your own flesh and blood?

Oh, cut the bullshit, please, will ya, girl?

Flesh and blood?

We never even fucking liked each other.

We misunderstood each other.

We were young, immature.

Mimi, can I just set the record straight here?

You've said often enough I was never the brother that you wanted.

Funny thing is...

you were never the fucking sister I wanted.

-Watch your fucking mouth. -Think I'm frightened of you?

You think 'cos I dress like this, I can't handle myself?

Back the fuck off, pretty boy.

Leave it, Jamie.

Your ma used to be embarrassed of me.

Just like me when I'd see her waddling down the street

with her fucking bubble perm and her fucking shell suits.

More of a woman than you'll ever be, though.

That's debatable.

There wasn't one ounce of femininity about you when we were being dragged up.

When I got up in the morning,

it was to get the house ready and you to school.

Then I nursed my ma till she died,

then I helped my dad deal with the grief.

When was I supposed to find time to paint my nails and do my hair?

[Bobbi] Oh, the trials of St Mimi.

Be careful, the stigmata will start playing up.

Watch your mouth!

[Bobbi] If you want fucking knocking out by a pre-op, you just go for it.

Leave us.

-[door shuts] -What will it cost

to go from pole to hole?

You mean to complete me dream?

Give me the life I should have had?

Give me the start I should have had?

Priceless.

Bye, Bobbi.

You let Bobbi go?

With the cash? Why?

Cos he's me brother.

Sort of. And that's what you do.

And any more talk of choosing sides,

and Bobbi won't be the only one getting his cock cut off.

Comprende?

-She might have a point. -Yeah.

But you're fucking barred.

[chatter]

Listen, listen.

Right, if anything goes wrong, improvise, yeah?

The audience'll be pissed anyway.

Let's get that royal seal of approval!

-[all cheer] -[Mimi] Micky!

-And remember, there's no "I" in showbiz. -Yeah, there is.

[silence]

-Ready? Go break your legs! -[all scream excitedly]

[cheers and applause]

[tense music]

[drum roll]

-[grunts in pain] -[audience gasps]

[balloons popping]

Someone get that pin off her, for fuck's sake.

[audience gasp]

[applause]

[music coming from inside]

["It Takes Two" playing]

[Mimi] ♪ Looking for a special treat ♪

[Mimi] ♪ Yeah, one can take a walk In the moonlight ♪

♪ Thinking that it's really nice ♪

♪ Oh, but two walking hand in hand ♪

♪ It's like adding Just a pinch of s... ♪

[Mimi] ♪ Oh, it takes two, baby ♪

♪ It takes two, baby ♪

♪ Me and you ♪

[Mimi] Face facts.

No family's perfect.

Might appear to be on the surface,

but open it up and you find all the shit

no one wants to acknowledge even exists.

You've got to take your head out of the sand in the end.

All families are fucked.

Ignore that advice at your peril.

[Libby] Is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time?

Jamie!

-You're losing Libby. -[Libby] We sit on the bench

outside his house and talk, sometimes for hours.

Talking about him turned your nipples so hard, you could have my eyes out.

Licky-lick equals win-win.

Ravage me with your tongue, you dirty savage! Oh!

Leave tonight. Don't ever come back.

[Libby] I don't want to marry you.

[screams]