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1
00:00:05,221 --> 00:00:06,621
-[tapping]
-[intro music]
2
00:00:06,701 --> 00:00:11,261
Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all
about knowing fuck all about owt,
3
00:00:11,341 --> 00:00:13,541
needs to watch their back.
[cries out]
4
00:00:13,621 --> 00:00:16,100
So, you've had your Labour,
reclassifying skunk,
5
00:00:16,181 --> 00:00:18,421
sending prices sky high,
6
00:00:18,501 --> 00:00:22,300
literally, literally taking the grass
from its own roots.
7
00:00:22,381 --> 00:00:25,140
And now you've got your con-dem-nation,
8
00:00:25,221 --> 00:00:28,541
Liberals noshing Tories
like altar boys picking dimps up.
9
00:00:28,620 --> 00:00:32,381
Have we had
a national fucking stroke or what?
10
00:00:32,460 --> 00:00:36,381
Is revolution a word or was it never?
11
00:00:36,461 --> 00:00:38,781
Anybody watching, needs to know
12
00:00:38,860 --> 00:00:42,061
we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
13
00:00:42,141 --> 00:00:45,540
Well, for fuck's sake,
we live in Manchester
14
00:00:45,621 --> 00:00:48,301
and they charge us for water!
15
00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:53,620
I wandered lonely as a clown,
necking mushrooms rarely found,
16
00:00:53,701 --> 00:00:56,821
this green and pleasant land
in ancient times...
17
00:00:56,900 --> 00:00:59,421
yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!
18
00:00:59,501 --> 00:01:02,701
It's not theirs anymore.
19
00:01:02,781 --> 00:01:05,981
-This is our England now.
-[cheering]
20
00:01:06,060 --> 00:01:07,621
Party!
21
00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:11,181
[intro music]
22
00:01:11,261 --> 00:01:13,021
[intro music fades away]
23
00:01:15,381 --> 00:01:16,541
[alarm beeps]
24
00:01:16,621 --> 00:01:20,500
[Micky] I blame all those fat,
short-haired, hairy bints
25
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:23,500
who took a match
to their bras in the 60s.
26
00:01:23,581 --> 00:01:25,500
It's them feminists we've got to thank
27
00:01:25,581 --> 00:01:28,181
for the way society looks down on
anyone who stays at home
28
00:01:28,261 --> 00:01:29,821
looking after the house and kids.
29
00:01:29,901 --> 00:01:32,700
People just don't see our true value.
30
00:01:32,780 --> 00:01:34,941
We work 24 hours a day,
31
00:01:35,021 --> 00:01:38,021
seven days a week
for no pay or holidays.
32
00:01:39,060 --> 00:01:41,741
What we do isn't seen as work.
33
00:01:41,821 --> 00:01:44,500
You're only valued if you're
actually bringing in money.
34
00:01:45,381 --> 00:01:47,901
-Don't even get so much as a thank you.
-[Jamie] Cheers, Mum.
35
00:01:47,981 --> 00:01:50,860
[Micky] I just wish
those mardy-arsed lezzas
36
00:01:50,941 --> 00:01:54,060
had kept their saggy,
old tits in their double Ds!
37
00:01:55,541 --> 00:01:57,381
You wanna get to bed a bit earlier.
38
00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:00,420
Morning.
39
00:02:01,261 --> 00:02:04,261
-I'll come back.
-[Mimi] No, you won't. Sit your arse down.
40
00:02:05,580 --> 00:02:07,821
-You had breakfast?
-[Carl] Just some toast.
41
00:02:07,901 --> 00:02:09,981
Bung a few eggs in the pan for Carl.
42
00:02:12,581 --> 00:02:13,701
What've we got on today?
43
00:02:13,781 --> 00:02:16,540
I need you to pull in
all outstanding debts.
44
00:02:16,621 --> 00:02:18,021
Cash flow problem.
45
00:02:19,501 --> 00:02:20,741
And shift that lot.
46
00:02:20,820 --> 00:02:22,021
And you're gonna help.
47
00:02:23,260 --> 00:02:26,100
I need you back on the rounds
now Shane's doing his own thing.
48
00:02:26,181 --> 00:02:27,421
Your little holiday's over.
49
00:02:28,661 --> 00:02:30,581
Time you started pulling
your weight again.
50
00:02:30,661 --> 00:02:31,741
And what about Cilla?
51
00:02:31,820 --> 00:02:34,021
She sleeps most of the day.
You'll be fine.
52
00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:39,861
[Micky] There you go.
53
00:02:39,941 --> 00:02:41,221
And for you.
54
00:02:47,861 --> 00:02:49,461
[dramatic music]
55
00:02:55,221 --> 00:02:56,501
No!
56
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:02,861
They... are full... of salt!
57
00:03:03,980 --> 00:03:04,980
[sighs]
58
00:03:13,021 --> 00:03:16,301
["Wedding March" playing]
59
00:03:16,380 --> 00:03:17,461
[giggles]
60
00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:23,380
[gasps]
61
00:03:23,461 --> 00:03:24,540
[music stops]
62
00:03:26,941 --> 00:03:30,061
-I thought you were having your hair done.
-She's off sick.
63
00:03:30,141 --> 00:03:32,661
What the hell are you doing in my dress?
64
00:03:32,741 --> 00:03:36,341
Just giving it an airing.
Besides, you've no need for it any longer.
65
00:03:36,420 --> 00:03:37,501
What do you mean?
66
00:03:37,581 --> 00:03:39,581
He's not exactly rushing
to set a new date.
67
00:03:39,661 --> 00:03:42,181
I reckon he's just stringing you along.
68
00:03:42,260 --> 00:03:44,341
Just take it off.
69
00:03:44,420 --> 00:03:47,100
You need to stop
this ridiculous daydreaming.
70
00:03:47,181 --> 00:03:48,540
[Patty] It's no daydream.
71
00:03:48,621 --> 00:03:50,781
You think I'm going to spend
the rest of my days
72
00:03:50,861 --> 00:03:53,341
sleeping in the corner
of a bloody living room?
73
00:03:53,420 --> 00:03:56,781
Just where exactly do you think
you're gonna bag yourself a man?
74
00:03:58,021 --> 00:04:01,260
[Patty] Hi South Manchester Befrienders,
we're listening.
75
00:04:01,341 --> 00:04:03,540
Not a problem, you can ring us any time.
Bye bye.
76
00:04:05,021 --> 00:04:06,581
Yes, course you can.
77
00:04:06,661 --> 00:04:09,380
-[female] ...it'll be me second baby.
-And how old are ya?
78
00:04:09,461 --> 00:04:11,341
[female] I'm 18 next week.
79
00:04:11,420 --> 00:04:12,781
[phone rings]
80
00:04:14,260 --> 00:04:16,021
-Hello.
-[female] Hello?
81
00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:17,941
[female] I don't think I can carry on...
82
00:04:19,021 --> 00:04:21,141
[male] Aye, and I'll be 60 next week.
83
00:04:21,221 --> 00:04:23,901
That sounds like
you have a lot on your plate.
84
00:04:24,981 --> 00:04:27,781
Why don't we meet up
and you can tell me more about it.
85
00:04:27,861 --> 00:04:29,461
[man screams]
86
00:04:29,541 --> 00:04:33,060
Look, it's always better
to talk about your problems face to face.
87
00:04:42,821 --> 00:04:44,341
Oh, I live near there.
88
00:04:45,381 --> 00:04:48,261
Why don't we continue this conversation
over a cuppa?
89
00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:02,901
When's tea?
90
00:05:02,981 --> 00:05:04,940
I'll do it
when I've finished reading this.
91
00:05:25,500 --> 00:05:27,781
Look, you're three weeks
behind on your payments.
92
00:05:29,981 --> 00:05:32,421
Look, I know you're in there.
I can hear your telly.
93
00:05:35,620 --> 00:05:36,461
Shit!
94
00:05:43,101 --> 00:05:44,500
Get here, you...
95
00:05:53,180 --> 00:05:54,341
I'll get ya!
96
00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:07,021
[murmurs] Oh, fuck sake!
97
00:06:11,581 --> 00:06:14,581
You see, what you should do
is go from happy hour to happy days.
98
00:06:16,461 --> 00:06:18,021
Are we getting married?
99
00:06:21,261 --> 00:06:24,341
Libby, love. Everyone got pissed,
there was a fight.
100
00:06:24,421 --> 00:06:27,581
-It's as good as a wedding.
-But we weren't blessed.
101
00:06:27,661 --> 00:06:30,620
I've been blessed twice before,
it really doesn't help.
102
00:06:30,701 --> 00:06:34,620
It's not gonna make any difference, is it?
I already see you as me missus.
103
00:06:34,701 --> 00:06:36,740
Karen, can I have another pint?
104
00:06:36,820 --> 00:06:37,701
What do you...
105
00:06:41,820 --> 00:06:43,421
You serious? That's all you took?
106
00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:46,541
Well, it's been a bit difficult,
you know, with Cilla and that.
107
00:06:46,620 --> 00:06:48,581
When your dad was inside,
I ran the business
108
00:06:48,661 --> 00:06:51,221
and looked after the lot of you
when you were kids.
109
00:06:51,301 --> 00:06:53,461
You stuck us in the library all day.
110
00:06:53,541 --> 00:06:54,380
Yeah.
111
00:06:57,221 --> 00:06:59,341
Can't survive on what we've got coming in.
112
00:06:59,421 --> 00:07:00,820
-Sort it.
-[Micky] I am.
113
00:07:00,901 --> 00:07:03,060
Trynna think of ways that I can earn money
114
00:07:03,141 --> 00:07:05,461
and be at home with Cilla
at the same time, but...
115
00:07:09,620 --> 00:07:10,940
What you doing?
116
00:07:11,021 --> 00:07:13,861
[Lillian] Avril's opened my eyes
to the wonder of the interweb.
117
00:07:13,940 --> 00:07:15,021
We're branching out.
118
00:07:16,101 --> 00:07:17,541
[Kelly] Selling worn knickers.
119
00:07:18,981 --> 00:07:20,620
It bleeding stinks!
120
00:07:20,701 --> 00:07:23,541
How'd you get it
to smell like actual piss?
121
00:07:23,620 --> 00:07:25,701
It is actual piss.
122
00:07:25,781 --> 00:07:28,661
I had to go and buy this
cos I kept missing the bloody hole.
123
00:07:29,581 --> 00:07:32,341
D'you know, I could do with
making a few bob off the internet.
124
00:07:32,421 --> 00:07:34,701
You wanna get into kids things,
seem to sell well.
125
00:07:34,781 --> 00:07:38,141
Sex... now that's something
that you'll always earn money from.
126
00:07:38,221 --> 00:07:39,620
[Kelly] And credit cards.
127
00:07:39,701 --> 00:07:42,981
Find a way of getting hold of
people's details and you're onto a winner.
128
00:07:54,260 --> 00:07:55,901
That thing can come down.
129
00:07:57,861 --> 00:08:02,180
What? You said I'd have blood on my hands
if I didn't put it up. Make your mind up.
130
00:08:02,260 --> 00:08:05,180
I've handed in my notice.
Waste of bloody time.
131
00:08:05,260 --> 00:08:07,021
Not been as fulfilling as you'd hoped?
132
00:08:07,101 --> 00:08:08,620
[grunts] Could say that.
133
00:08:09,461 --> 00:08:13,620
Maybe... I've been a little hasty.
134
00:08:15,421 --> 00:08:16,541
Put it back!
135
00:08:22,341 --> 00:08:23,820
Hey, you haven't paid for that!
136
00:08:30,021 --> 00:08:31,101
What the fuck you doing!
137
00:08:32,021 --> 00:08:35,060
You're no better than a rapist.
Encouraging men to objectify women.
138
00:08:35,141 --> 00:08:36,220
Hear, hear!
139
00:08:38,621 --> 00:08:39,820
What's your problem?
140
00:08:39,901 --> 00:08:43,460
Some little scrote's been mouthing off,
going on at me to show him my tits.
141
00:08:43,541 --> 00:08:44,661
He can get in the queue.
142
00:08:44,741 --> 00:08:47,261
Might've guessed you'd be supportive
and understanding.
143
00:08:47,340 --> 00:08:48,701
Can't just shove 'em out
whenever it suits ya.
144
00:08:48,781 --> 00:08:50,861
-What?
-You're always giving blokes the come-on
145
00:08:50,941 --> 00:08:53,501
-when you're after something.
-No, I'm not!
146
00:08:53,581 --> 00:08:55,301
So, do I get any discount?
147
00:08:59,421 --> 00:09:01,021
That's just me being friendly.
148
00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:06,901
[Micky] I'm looking for investment
in my internet venture.
149
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:11,340
In return, I'm prepared to offer
10% equity in the new business.
150
00:09:13,701 --> 00:09:16,301
[jingle plays]
151
00:09:16,381 --> 00:09:18,860
The type of ground-breaking website
I'm proposing
152
00:09:18,941 --> 00:09:22,821
has very low expenditure
for extremely high returns.
153
00:09:22,901 --> 00:09:26,181
It has the potential
to produce a constant revenue stream
154
00:09:26,261 --> 00:09:31,621
and I project gross profits of £200,000
over a three-year period.
155
00:09:32,460 --> 00:09:35,261
So, onto our target market.
156
00:09:37,980 --> 00:09:38,941
Kiddie fiddlers.
157
00:09:41,021 --> 00:09:43,821
I propose to launch a child porn website
158
00:09:43,901 --> 00:09:47,741
that won't actually contain
any sick pictures.
159
00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:50,621
The home page
will lure our consumer to subscribe
160
00:09:50,701 --> 00:09:53,021
to what they think
will be jack-off heaven.
161
00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:55,220
While they're waiting
for the site to download,
162
00:09:55,301 --> 00:09:57,181
we'll be ripping their card details.
163
00:09:57,261 --> 00:09:59,381
And by the time they've discovered
it's a scam,
164
00:09:59,460 --> 00:10:02,541
we'll have run up the largest bill
that the nonces have ever seen.
165
00:10:02,621 --> 00:10:05,301
And, we'll actually
be doing society a favour,
166
00:10:05,381 --> 00:10:07,741
because the website
will act as a deterrent.
167
00:10:07,821 --> 00:10:11,021
You know, make them nervous
about subscribing to other pervy sites.
168
00:10:12,061 --> 00:10:14,581
So... any questions?
169
00:10:17,860 --> 00:10:20,501
Yeah, just one major problem.
170
00:10:20,581 --> 00:10:22,501
You forgot to mention it's totally illegal
171
00:10:22,581 --> 00:10:25,220
and that you could get sent down
if someone grassed.
172
00:10:25,301 --> 00:10:27,821
Who's gonna admit
they've joined a child porn website?
173
00:10:31,621 --> 00:10:32,460
I'm in!
174
00:10:32,541 --> 00:10:34,941
[upbeat music]
175
00:10:35,021 --> 00:10:37,261
[camera flashes]
176
00:10:41,621 --> 00:10:43,661
Loosen your tie a bit more.
177
00:10:43,741 --> 00:10:45,340
[Kelly] He could do with looking younger.
178
00:10:50,460 --> 00:10:51,901
Right, get up there.
179
00:10:51,980 --> 00:10:52,860
What you doing?
180
00:10:52,941 --> 00:10:56,061
[Kelly] Don't worry,
you'll be able to afford 20 new pairs.
181
00:11:04,501 --> 00:11:05,460
Finished!
182
00:11:09,141 --> 00:11:13,181
I now pronounce this website
open for business!
183
00:11:13,261 --> 00:11:15,261
-[cheering]
-Yes!
184
00:11:15,340 --> 00:11:17,501
-What's going on?
-We're going live!
185
00:11:17,581 --> 00:11:19,381
Come and have a look!
186
00:11:19,460 --> 00:11:22,100
-Yeah!
-[cheering]
187
00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:51,021
[Micky sighs heavily]
188
00:11:51,901 --> 00:11:55,581
[timer beeping]
189
00:11:55,661 --> 00:11:56,661
[growls] Come on!
190
00:11:57,501 --> 00:11:59,661
Should've stuck a bag on his head.
191
00:12:01,901 --> 00:12:03,421
Sod this, I'm off to bed.
192
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:08,301
[trill]
193
00:12:15,980 --> 00:12:16,941
Yes!
194
00:12:18,061 --> 00:12:20,821
[Kelly] You mean, there's a perv
there now, at the other end?
195
00:12:25,781 --> 00:12:28,421
I'm gonna find ya
and blow your balls off, you sick fucker!
196
00:12:28,501 --> 00:12:29,941
-[growls]
-[Micky] Quick!
197
00:12:30,021 --> 00:12:31,941
Transfer the money into our account.
198
00:12:33,541 --> 00:12:35,061
What we gonna buy?
199
00:12:35,141 --> 00:12:37,740
Book us a week in Alicante! Ha-ha!
200
00:12:56,781 --> 00:12:58,100
[mouths] Thank you.
201
00:13:07,181 --> 00:13:08,980
Whoa! 'Kin' hell!
202
00:13:09,061 --> 00:13:10,740
What you trynna do to me, woman?
203
00:13:10,821 --> 00:13:12,261
Oh.
204
00:13:12,340 --> 00:13:13,541
Must've bobbed off.
205
00:13:13,620 --> 00:13:16,821
-What the hell you doing in that box?
-[Patty] Checking the size.
206
00:13:16,901 --> 00:13:17,941
I'm flogging 'em.
207
00:13:19,301 --> 00:13:21,381
Earn 50 quid for every one I shift.
208
00:13:21,460 --> 00:13:24,661
How the hell are you gonna find
enough people on the cusp of death?
209
00:13:25,501 --> 00:13:28,021
[phone rings]
210
00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:29,941
-What? What? What?
-Give it.
211
00:13:31,261 --> 00:13:32,501
Give it. Bastard.
212
00:13:33,941 --> 00:13:37,460
The helpline are diverting calls here.
I don't want to lose any business.
213
00:13:39,220 --> 00:13:41,061
Hello there, Julie.
214
00:13:41,141 --> 00:13:44,501
Yes.
I am sorry to hear about your husband.
215
00:13:44,581 --> 00:13:48,141
I expect you're thinking of following him
to the other side.
216
00:13:54,181 --> 00:13:57,501
We can flog all this lot,
and I've transferred a stack of money.
217
00:13:57,581 --> 00:13:59,740
Become a right little Richard Branson,
hasn't he?
218
00:13:59,821 --> 00:14:02,860
-[Jamie] Nice one, Micky.
-Needs to be manned 24/7, though,
219
00:14:02,941 --> 00:14:04,501
so I've drawn up a little rota.
220
00:14:04,581 --> 00:14:06,421
Erm... There y'are.
221
00:14:10,620 --> 00:14:12,740
No way, I've got school.
222
00:14:12,821 --> 00:14:14,941
Well, d'you wanna miss out on
any business?
223
00:14:15,781 --> 00:14:17,781
I thought we could set up
a few more sites.
224
00:14:17,860 --> 00:14:21,021
Stick this on, I'll take some pics.
We can do this one next.
225
00:14:22,301 --> 00:14:23,500
No way.
226
00:14:24,620 --> 00:14:25,781
There y'are.
227
00:14:34,301 --> 00:14:35,460
Not forgetting you.
228
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:37,941
What's this?
229
00:14:38,860 --> 00:14:39,701
Your cut.
230
00:14:39,781 --> 00:14:41,021
You taking me for a mug?
231
00:14:41,100 --> 00:14:43,541
-What's your problem?
-I want the same as yous lot.
232
00:14:43,620 --> 00:14:45,340
Well, you're not a Maguire.
233
00:14:45,421 --> 00:14:47,100
It's my photos pulling 'em in.
234
00:14:47,181 --> 00:14:50,220
Yeah, but it was my idea
in the first place.
235
00:14:50,301 --> 00:14:53,261
Well, find someone else to stick this on.
236
00:14:53,340 --> 00:14:56,100
-Fine. You sacked.
-You can't sack me!
237
00:14:56,181 --> 00:14:58,500
-I'm a business partner.
-Employee.
238
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:02,141
Probably for the best.
Getting a bit too old for this game.
239
00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:18,460
Why don't you take a picture? Knobheads.
240
00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:21,500
The youth of today.
241
00:15:22,661 --> 00:15:24,061
So charming.
242
00:15:24,141 --> 00:15:26,301
Is that little prick still gobbing off?
243
00:15:26,381 --> 00:15:28,220
No, it's all sorted.
244
00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:33,061
D'you fancy walking me to the bus?
245
00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:33,980
Yeah, sure.
246
00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:45,100
D'you wanna go out one night?
Just you and me.
247
00:15:45,181 --> 00:15:46,701
[Sita] Yeah, sure.
248
00:15:46,781 --> 00:15:48,421
When you free?
249
00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:49,701
What?
250
00:15:49,781 --> 00:15:51,340
To go out.
251
00:15:51,421 --> 00:15:52,261
Out where?
252
00:15:56,220 --> 00:15:57,460
[Carl] Who's he?
253
00:15:57,541 --> 00:16:00,541
He's not the one
who's been mouthing off, is he?
254
00:16:00,620 --> 00:16:01,500
He looks about ten!
255
00:16:01,581 --> 00:16:03,581
Why are you making
such a big deal about it?
256
00:16:06,581 --> 00:16:09,220
That's why you wanted me to walk ya.
257
00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:10,141
Carl!
258
00:16:11,460 --> 00:16:13,500
Hey, love! Show us yer tits!
259
00:16:18,460 --> 00:16:20,220
Oh, there you are. Can you lend us a...
260
00:16:21,740 --> 00:16:23,421
Got them for our honeymoon.
261
00:16:24,421 --> 00:16:25,500
Oh!
262
00:16:26,541 --> 00:16:27,740
Stick 'em on, then.
263
00:16:35,821 --> 00:16:37,021
[Libby giggles]
264
00:16:39,301 --> 00:16:40,500
Like what you see?
265
00:16:43,061 --> 00:16:45,901
And I can make these
go faster than helicopter blades.
266
00:16:55,821 --> 00:16:58,061
Well, you gonna stick 'em on, or what?
267
00:16:58,141 --> 00:17:00,301
On our wedding night or your funeral.
268
00:17:00,380 --> 00:17:01,620
Whichever comes first.
269
00:17:03,460 --> 00:17:05,940
Oh, come on, Lib.
You can't do this to a man!
270
00:17:06,021 --> 00:17:07,981
You know what you've got to do.
271
00:17:16,301 --> 00:17:17,620
What are you looking for?
272
00:17:19,660 --> 00:17:21,301
[pants] This.
273
00:17:24,180 --> 00:17:25,301
Just gotta knock one out.
274
00:17:29,301 --> 00:17:33,021
[Patty] Why don't you try that one?
The solid walnut.
275
00:17:33,101 --> 00:17:36,741
If you don't want your family to know
you've end up a penniless alcoholic.
276
00:17:36,821 --> 00:17:38,541
-'Kin' hell!
-[phone rings]
277
00:17:41,021 --> 00:17:42,861
South Manchester Befrienders.
278
00:17:49,541 --> 00:17:51,301
Can't we stick her on powder?
279
00:17:51,381 --> 00:17:54,061
This contraption's
ripping the bleeding nipples off me.
280
00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:55,981
No! It's been proven.
281
00:17:56,061 --> 00:17:59,021
Kids raised on breast milk
are higher achievers.
282
00:18:00,381 --> 00:18:02,141
Still raking it in?
283
00:18:02,221 --> 00:18:04,101
No one's subscribed for ages now.
284
00:18:06,461 --> 00:18:08,381
Pervs must be tipping each other off.
285
00:18:09,381 --> 00:18:12,021
[dramatic music]
286
00:18:14,741 --> 00:18:18,461
[banging at door]
287
00:18:28,621 --> 00:18:29,660
[Frank] Hi.
288
00:18:29,741 --> 00:18:33,861
I'm really... I'm sorry to bother you,
Micky, but you're me last resort.
289
00:18:33,940 --> 00:18:35,900
I'm really desperate.
290
00:18:35,981 --> 00:18:38,221
Would you be a gent
and loan me the use of your TV
291
00:18:38,301 --> 00:18:40,420
and lounge for five minutes?
292
00:18:40,501 --> 00:18:42,261
Actually, probably only need about two
293
00:18:43,621 --> 00:18:44,821
I won't leave a mess.
294
00:18:44,900 --> 00:18:45,861
[Aiden] Yeah, yeah.
295
00:18:45,940 --> 00:18:48,341
Just passing that knob
I was telling you about.
296
00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:49,261
Telling 'em what?
297
00:18:49,341 --> 00:18:52,061
That we're about to take you
to the cleaners.
298
00:18:52,141 --> 00:18:53,381
Laters.
299
00:18:53,461 --> 00:18:56,141
-Set up a website with mates from school.
-Micky!
300
00:18:57,101 --> 00:19:00,261
[Aiden] Pictures on there of all of us.
They can't get enough of it.
301
00:19:06,101 --> 00:19:08,420
Yeah, yeah. The world's gone bloody mad.
302
00:19:08,501 --> 00:19:10,180
Never thought I'd live to see the day
303
00:19:10,261 --> 00:19:12,741
a pair of poofs
could mince down the aisle together.
304
00:19:12,821 --> 00:19:14,221
[Patty] They've no shame.
305
00:19:14,301 --> 00:19:17,700
I've heard they even use
penis-shaped confetti.
306
00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:21,861
Well, I'm better off out of it.
Time to shift on to the next life.
307
00:19:21,940 --> 00:19:25,221
Let's hope that place
isn't taken over by bloody Poles.
308
00:19:26,221 --> 00:19:28,861
So, you're contemplating suicide?
309
00:19:28,940 --> 00:19:31,900
No. In the middle of actually doing it.
310
00:19:31,981 --> 00:19:36,021
Well, have you ever
given your funeral any thought?
311
00:19:39,420 --> 00:19:41,461
You must be Trevor.
312
00:19:41,541 --> 00:19:43,381
I didn't realise you were a cripple,
313
00:19:43,461 --> 00:19:45,861
or whatever word it is
I'm meant to use these days.
314
00:19:45,940 --> 00:19:47,180
Cripple's fine.
315
00:19:47,261 --> 00:19:50,261
Political correctness has been
this country's downfall.
316
00:19:50,341 --> 00:19:51,821
A woman after me own heart.
317
00:19:54,180 --> 00:19:58,021
Just had a three-mile bus journey
sat next to some window-licker.
318
00:19:58,101 --> 00:20:00,900
I don't know why we did away with asylums.
319
00:20:00,981 --> 00:20:02,741
My thoughts exactly.
320
00:20:02,821 --> 00:20:04,741
Used to be a cracking day out.
321
00:20:04,821 --> 00:20:06,861
Would you like to try the pine first?
322
00:20:08,061 --> 00:20:10,541
Stylish, yet affordable.
323
00:20:10,621 --> 00:20:12,101
-Shoes!
-Oh.
324
00:20:19,541 --> 00:20:20,700
[Trevor grunts]
325
00:20:20,781 --> 00:20:21,981
How does it feel?
326
00:20:23,781 --> 00:20:25,781
The lining's making me itch.
327
00:20:25,861 --> 00:20:28,261
-You'll be dead, you daft bugger.
-Hmm.
328
00:20:28,341 --> 00:20:30,221
Which is the most expensive?
329
00:20:30,301 --> 00:20:33,821
The less that thieving Government
get of mine when I'm gone, the better.
330
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,581
That'll be the mahogany.
331
00:20:35,660 --> 00:20:38,101
[Trevor] So... live here alone?
332
00:20:38,981 --> 00:20:40,861
-No!
-Oh.
333
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:42,501
Share with my daughter,
334
00:20:42,581 --> 00:20:44,741
and the rabble
she got herself involved with.
335
00:20:44,821 --> 00:20:46,861
No, uh, husband?
336
00:20:46,940 --> 00:20:47,781
God, no!
337
00:20:48,660 --> 00:20:50,180
-Ah.
-Once bitten...
338
00:20:51,061 --> 00:20:53,541
Which one would you like to be buried in?
339
00:20:53,621 --> 00:20:56,021
[stammers] Well... I guess the mahogany.
340
00:20:57,621 --> 00:20:59,141
Oozes class.
341
00:20:59,221 --> 00:21:01,660
[Trevor] Then the mahogany it is.
342
00:21:01,741 --> 00:21:03,261
We must celebrate.
343
00:21:03,341 --> 00:21:06,180
-[Patty exclaims]
-[both laugh]
344
00:21:09,461 --> 00:21:10,741
Where's the stepladders?
345
00:21:16,700 --> 00:21:19,541
-Oh, my God!
-[Kelly chuckles]
346
00:21:19,621 --> 00:21:22,101
No way, look.
Here's one of me in Blackpool.
347
00:21:22,180 --> 00:21:24,861
[Kelly] Who'd have thought
you'd grow up to be such a hunk?
348
00:21:24,940 --> 00:21:25,981
[laughter]
349
00:21:26,061 --> 00:21:28,821
Ah, check out our Jamie
with his dodgy hair!
350
00:21:28,900 --> 00:21:30,621
-[laughter]
-Perfect. Give it here.
351
00:21:41,461 --> 00:21:44,221
Those pubic hair-dodgers
won't be able to resist ya.
352
00:21:48,541 --> 00:21:50,381
Who's idea was that?
353
00:21:50,460 --> 00:21:53,381
Um... mine.
354
00:21:57,101 --> 00:21:58,141
Fucking genius!
355
00:22:03,700 --> 00:22:05,021
[Trevor] No, you don't!
356
00:22:08,501 --> 00:22:09,341
[Patty] Trevor.
357
00:22:09,420 --> 00:22:12,381
[Trevor] I assumed he was a burglar.
358
00:22:13,341 --> 00:22:15,581
[Patty] See why I don't want
my daughter to marry him?
359
00:22:15,660 --> 00:22:18,341
Needs a bloody good haircut.
Scruffy bugger.
360
00:22:19,221 --> 00:22:22,741
-What's she doing with him?
-Oh, scared of being alone.
361
00:22:23,940 --> 00:22:25,301
[Trevor] Aren't we all?
362
00:22:25,381 --> 00:22:26,460
I suppose.
363
00:22:26,541 --> 00:22:29,261
[Trevor] If you've got the opportunity
to be with someone,
364
00:22:29,341 --> 00:22:31,381
you should grab it with both hands.
365
00:22:35,301 --> 00:22:39,021
We're supposed to be celebrating
your purchase.
366
00:22:47,180 --> 00:22:48,021
Ah.
367
00:22:50,021 --> 00:22:52,061
Here's to being six feet under.
368
00:22:55,141 --> 00:22:56,900
Oh, it hasn't stopped.
369
00:22:56,981 --> 00:22:58,101
They're mad for us.
370
00:22:58,180 --> 00:23:00,581
Well, it's obviously me
that's pulling 'em in, innit?
371
00:23:00,660 --> 00:23:04,341
-Look... cute as fuck.
-Nah, I reckon it's me they're after.
372
00:23:04,420 --> 00:23:06,741
I mean, who could resist
that little smile?
373
00:23:06,821 --> 00:23:08,261
I'm getting trading standards onto you.
374
00:23:08,341 --> 00:23:10,180
[Kelly] Do you mind knocking?
375
00:23:10,261 --> 00:23:13,341
Those photos are ancient.
You're a load of fat cunts now.
376
00:23:13,420 --> 00:23:15,700
-I am not fat!
-You nicked all my business.
377
00:23:15,781 --> 00:23:16,741
And?
378
00:23:19,021 --> 00:23:22,021
[mischievous music]
379
00:23:23,981 --> 00:23:24,981
Bollocks!
380
00:23:36,621 --> 00:23:37,940
Morning.
381
00:23:38,021 --> 00:23:39,900
-Oh!
-Couldn't wait to see you.
382
00:23:42,180 --> 00:23:44,381
-How did you get in?
-Kitchen window was open.
383
00:23:46,180 --> 00:23:48,341
-How long've you been there?
-Since three.
384
00:23:48,420 --> 00:23:49,541
Couldn't sleep.
385
00:23:51,261 --> 00:23:53,141
Fancy a morning out?
386
00:23:53,221 --> 00:23:54,900
Well...
[sighs]
387
00:23:56,700 --> 00:23:57,821
Oh!
388
00:23:58,700 --> 00:24:02,420
["Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head"]
♪ Raindrops keep falling on my head ♪
389
00:24:02,501 --> 00:24:07,381
♪ And just like the guy
Whose feet are too big for his bed ♪
390
00:24:07,460 --> 00:24:09,660
♪ Nothing seems to fit ♪
391
00:24:09,741 --> 00:24:15,101
♪ Those raindrops are falling on my head
They keep falling ♪
392
00:24:15,180 --> 00:24:19,101
♪ So I just did me
Some talking to the sun ♪
393
00:24:20,741 --> 00:24:25,700
♪ And I said I didn't like the way
He got things done ♪
394
00:24:25,781 --> 00:24:27,940
♪ Sleeping on the job ♪
395
00:24:28,021 --> 00:24:33,301
♪ Those raindrops are falling on my head
They keep falling ♪
396
00:24:33,381 --> 00:24:38,700
♪ But there's one thing I know ♪
397
00:24:38,781 --> 00:24:42,861
♪ The blues they send to meet me
Won't... ♪
398
00:24:42,940 --> 00:24:45,101
It's so nice
to have someone to do things with.
399
00:24:46,180 --> 00:24:47,900
Usually I have to bride...
400
00:24:48,861 --> 00:24:51,180
bribe people to push me places.
401
00:24:52,021 --> 00:24:55,381
["Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head"
continues]
402
00:24:55,460 --> 00:24:57,021
We're a long time dead.
403
00:24:58,741 --> 00:25:01,141
We should be living life to the full.
Taking risks.
404
00:25:04,861 --> 00:25:10,061
There's no need for either of us...
ever to be lonely again.
405
00:25:13,861 --> 00:25:15,581
Would you do me the honour of...
406
00:25:18,101 --> 00:25:19,261
dying with me.
407
00:25:20,940 --> 00:25:22,261
What?
408
00:25:22,341 --> 00:25:24,940
A suicide pact. It's perfect.
409
00:25:25,021 --> 00:25:27,741
If we let nature take its course,
410
00:25:27,821 --> 00:25:31,581
one of us will be left on this earth
alone for months, maybe even years.
411
00:25:32,501 --> 00:25:37,301
Killing ourselves at the same time
guarantees we leave exactly the same time.
412
00:25:37,381 --> 00:25:38,821
I'm not ready to die.
413
00:25:38,900 --> 00:25:41,581
Oh, I don't mean now,
we'll get married first.
414
00:25:42,741 --> 00:25:46,141
Oh! [chuckles] You want to marry me?
415
00:25:46,220 --> 00:25:47,700
Of course.
416
00:25:47,781 --> 00:25:48,981
Do you wanna marry me?
417
00:25:51,061 --> 00:25:52,861
-Yes.
-[Trevor] Good.
418
00:25:52,940 --> 00:25:54,900
I've been in touch with
the registry office,
419
00:25:54,981 --> 00:25:56,900
they've got a cancellation.
This afternoon.
420
00:25:56,981 --> 00:25:59,101
[chuckles] This afternoon?
421
00:26:00,381 --> 00:26:02,581
Isn't... Isn't it a bit quick?
422
00:26:02,660 --> 00:26:05,180
Why delay something that's inevitable.
423
00:26:05,261 --> 00:26:08,180
I knew I wanted you to be my wife
the moment I set eyes on you.
424
00:26:11,460 --> 00:26:15,301
♪ I'm never gonna stop the rain
By complaining ♪
425
00:26:15,381 --> 00:26:20,021
♪ I'm never gonna stop the rain... ♪
426
00:26:26,061 --> 00:26:26,900
Hiya.
427
00:26:29,821 --> 00:26:31,420
Show us yer tits!
428
00:26:44,981 --> 00:26:46,420
Didn't know it was Halloween.
429
00:26:46,501 --> 00:26:49,741
It's to stop guys just seeing me
as an instrument
430
00:26:49,821 --> 00:26:50,981
for their sexual pleasure.
431
00:26:59,420 --> 00:27:00,861
It's working.
432
00:27:00,940 --> 00:27:02,581
[Avril] What's he done now?
433
00:27:02,660 --> 00:27:06,180
He just doesn't seem
that bothered about getting married.
434
00:27:06,261 --> 00:27:08,021
What man is?
435
00:27:08,101 --> 00:27:10,541
They know that's when
the blow jobs are gonna stop.
436
00:27:14,381 --> 00:27:16,381
Aren't you going to congratulate us.
437
00:27:17,220 --> 00:27:18,141
Married!
438
00:27:18,220 --> 00:27:20,021
I'm moving in to Trevor's.
439
00:27:21,301 --> 00:27:22,940
You're not pregnant are ya?
440
00:27:23,021 --> 00:27:24,861
All a bit quick, innit?
441
00:27:24,940 --> 00:27:27,220
-What would you like dear?
-Dubonnet.
442
00:27:29,180 --> 00:27:31,581
-[Trevor] Dubonnet and a lemonade please.
-Okay.
443
00:27:32,700 --> 00:27:36,581
-He's railroaded you into this, hasn't he?
-Yes. And I'm glad he did.
444
00:27:36,660 --> 00:27:38,341
I haven't felt this alive in years.
445
00:27:38,420 --> 00:27:39,741
It's ridiculous.
446
00:27:39,821 --> 00:27:40,900
You're just jealous.
447
00:27:40,981 --> 00:27:43,460
I've found a man
who actually wants to commit.
448
00:27:43,541 --> 00:27:44,900
Congratulations!
449
00:27:44,981 --> 00:27:47,940
Who would've thought your own mum
would beat you down the aisle.
450
00:27:48,021 --> 00:27:51,021
["Smack My Bitch Up"
by The Prodigy playing]
451
00:28:18,501 --> 00:28:22,341
♪ Change my pitch up
Smack my bitch up... ♪
452
00:28:22,420 --> 00:28:25,541
What are you doing,
you fucking fat lesbian?
453
00:28:25,621 --> 00:28:26,981
♪ Change my pitch up... ♪
454
00:28:27,061 --> 00:28:29,980
Oh, shit, what are you fucking doing?
455
00:28:30,061 --> 00:28:30,980
[Mimi cries out]
456
00:28:32,700 --> 00:28:36,061
♪ Change my pitch up
Smack my bitch up ♪
457
00:28:39,460 --> 00:28:42,581
Get off me! Come here, you!
458
00:28:50,261 --> 00:28:52,501
-[Patty laughing]
-[Libby grunts]
459
00:28:57,501 --> 00:28:58,861
[knock at door]
460
00:28:58,940 --> 00:29:00,301
[woman] PC World!
461
00:29:00,381 --> 00:29:02,021
Laptop, took it to be repaired.
462
00:29:06,141 --> 00:29:08,021
Police Constable World.
463
00:29:09,261 --> 00:29:12,261
-What's going on?
-You're all under arrest.
464
00:29:12,341 --> 00:29:15,141
For manufacturing and distributing
child pornography.
465
00:29:18,660 --> 00:29:21,301
-[Trevor chuckles]
-I better start packing.
466
00:29:21,381 --> 00:29:23,341
I think we're forgetting something.
467
00:29:25,220 --> 00:29:30,460
-We need to consummate the marriage.
-[both laugh]
468
00:29:32,621 --> 00:29:33,460
Oh!
469
00:29:35,700 --> 00:29:38,420
groaning, whimpering]
470
00:29:41,180 --> 00:29:44,021
[cries out, whimpers]
471
00:29:46,940 --> 00:29:49,460
You can't keep us locked up any longer!
472
00:29:49,541 --> 00:29:51,741
Got a young baby I need to feed.
473
00:29:52,621 --> 00:29:54,101
I think they can see that.
474
00:29:55,501 --> 00:29:57,061
Your udders need a wipe.
475
00:30:01,621 --> 00:30:03,980
Why the fuck didn't you delete everything
first!?
476
00:30:04,061 --> 00:30:06,261
-Couldn't, wouldn't turn on.
-Wouldn't turn on.
477
00:30:06,341 --> 00:30:09,341
D'you even realise
the shit you've got us in?
478
00:30:09,420 --> 00:30:10,940
Everything'll be fine.
479
00:30:11,021 --> 00:30:14,581
-We're being done for kiddie porn.
-D'you know how long we could get?
480
00:30:14,660 --> 00:30:17,261
Won't be around
to see my little princess growing up.
481
00:30:17,341 --> 00:30:19,861
They'll soon realise
there's no sick pictures on there.
482
00:30:19,940 --> 00:30:21,900
I've had to leave Carl in charge.
483
00:30:21,980 --> 00:30:25,101
He'll cope. Good head on his shoulders.
484
00:30:25,180 --> 00:30:26,781
Micky, he's a Gallagher.
485
00:30:26,861 --> 00:30:28,220
We're gonna lose the business.
486
00:30:28,301 --> 00:30:29,861
-And the house.
-And Cilla.
487
00:30:30,821 --> 00:30:31,781
What?
488
00:30:31,861 --> 00:30:34,581
Well, they're bound to get
social services involved.
489
00:30:34,660 --> 00:30:37,741
Look, all I wanted
was to make sure I was around for Cilla.
490
00:30:37,821 --> 00:30:41,381
I'm not having her playing second fiddle
to the business like us lot did.
491
00:30:41,460 --> 00:30:44,861
-Me and Dad were always there for ya.
-You might've been there physically.
492
00:30:47,381 --> 00:30:51,180
I wrote a story for school once,
I was dead proud of it.
493
00:30:51,261 --> 00:30:54,101
You said you'd read it
once you'd done the cashing up.
494
00:30:56,061 --> 00:30:59,940
I sat there all night
waiting for you to finish.
495
00:31:00,021 --> 00:31:02,101
You were too busy in the morning.
496
00:31:02,180 --> 00:31:03,821
I had to hand it in that day.
497
00:31:05,460 --> 00:31:09,261
Well, I'm gonna read
every single story Cilla writes.
498
00:31:11,821 --> 00:31:14,261
I'm gonna make sure she has a good future.
499
00:31:14,341 --> 00:31:16,381
I don't want her turning out like me.
500
00:31:17,741 --> 00:31:20,180
Now... they've got nothing on us,
501
00:31:20,261 --> 00:31:22,621
and we'll be walking out of here
in no time.
502
00:31:38,501 --> 00:31:39,541
Show us yer tits!
503
00:31:41,621 --> 00:31:42,940
Ha! Nice!
504
00:31:44,581 --> 00:31:47,061
-[boy cries out]
-[snap]
505
00:31:47,141 --> 00:31:50,180
Ah, me leg! [crying out]
506
00:32:12,141 --> 00:32:15,180
[Micky muttering]
507
00:32:16,900 --> 00:32:19,141
What the fuck are you dreaming about?
508
00:32:26,541 --> 00:32:27,940
Can't remember.
509
00:32:29,381 --> 00:32:30,460
What's happening?
510
00:32:30,541 --> 00:32:33,061
Child pornography charges
have been dropped.
511
00:32:33,141 --> 00:32:34,381
I fucking told ya!
512
00:32:34,460 --> 00:32:36,821
We've been charged with fraud.
513
00:32:45,821 --> 00:32:46,660
What you doing?
514
00:32:46,740 --> 00:32:48,581
Well, I thought a solicitor might help,
515
00:32:48,660 --> 00:32:51,861
being as I'm about to be sent down
till my pubes have turned grey!
516
00:32:53,180 --> 00:32:55,021
The hearing's this afternoon!
517
00:32:55,940 --> 00:32:56,980
Hello?
518
00:33:10,220 --> 00:33:12,021
-[Trevor grunts]
-[Patty chuckles]
519
00:33:12,980 --> 00:33:14,180
[Trevor] Ah, morning.
520
00:33:14,261 --> 00:33:15,781
Well, morning.
521
00:33:18,501 --> 00:33:19,541
You okay?
522
00:33:22,301 --> 00:33:24,021
Still a little shell shocked.
523
00:33:28,301 --> 00:33:31,341
Libby's father left me with nothing,
even took the rent money.
524
00:33:32,900 --> 00:33:37,420
I told myself I'd never trust another man
as long as I lived.
525
00:33:37,501 --> 00:33:38,861
Glad you did.
526
00:33:38,940 --> 00:33:40,061
Well...
527
00:33:42,141 --> 00:33:45,420
You're the first man to hold me
since he legged it.
528
00:33:49,341 --> 00:33:50,341
I've realised...
529
00:33:52,220 --> 00:33:54,621
I just existed these past 40 years.
530
00:33:58,980 --> 00:34:00,141
[sighs happily]
531
00:34:04,660 --> 00:34:05,501
[farts]
532
00:34:20,541 --> 00:34:22,220
[Jackson] This is fascinating.
533
00:34:22,300 --> 00:34:24,621
It's all about
that ancient Mayan calendar.
534
00:34:24,700 --> 00:34:28,421
They reckon it ends
on the 21st of December, 2012.
535
00:34:28,501 --> 00:34:31,461
Apparently, the sun's gonna rise
to a unique point
536
00:34:31,541 --> 00:34:33,700
and that'll be the end of the world.
537
00:34:33,780 --> 00:34:34,700
Well, in that case,
538
00:34:34,780 --> 00:34:37,220
we don't have to worry about
our livers then, do we?
539
00:34:40,780 --> 00:34:42,981
[Avril] Look who I found asleep
in the garden shed.
540
00:34:43,061 --> 00:34:45,901
You mean, he didn't even notice
you weren't at home?
541
00:34:45,981 --> 00:34:49,141
[Libby] I could pack my bags and leave,
he wouldn't notice.
542
00:34:50,860 --> 00:34:53,780
Ooh! Glass of water please, Karen.
543
00:34:53,860 --> 00:34:55,381
We're off.
544
00:34:55,461 --> 00:34:56,340
[Carl] Come 'ere.
545
00:34:56,421 --> 00:34:58,701
Ah, thank you.
546
00:34:59,901 --> 00:35:01,981
-[Carl] Oi, look after her.
-Oh, yeah, I will.
547
00:35:05,061 --> 00:35:07,181
[Libby] In case you miss us.
548
00:35:08,820 --> 00:35:10,541
[Patty] You shouldn't have.
549
00:35:12,181 --> 00:35:13,261
Are you all right?
550
00:35:13,340 --> 00:35:14,621
[whimpers]
551
00:35:21,221 --> 00:35:23,261
-[Libby snivels]
-[phone rings]
552
00:35:23,340 --> 00:35:24,261
Bye then.
553
00:35:24,340 --> 00:35:26,621
-Bye, love.
-See you in a bit, Patty.
554
00:35:26,701 --> 00:35:28,621
[Karen] Yeah. Right, thanks.
555
00:35:29,621 --> 00:35:31,501
They've arrived at court.
556
00:35:31,581 --> 00:35:33,061
I should be there.
557
00:35:33,141 --> 00:35:34,581
[Libby] I'll cover.
558
00:35:34,661 --> 00:35:36,701
Make up for trashing the place last night.
559
00:35:39,340 --> 00:35:41,221
Karen, your family need you.
560
00:35:43,780 --> 00:35:44,901
Carl.
561
00:35:49,300 --> 00:35:51,381
-Nah, no way.
-It's in your job description.
562
00:35:55,021 --> 00:35:57,021
Er... Carl?
563
00:35:59,581 --> 00:36:01,340
[Frank] I could give you a hand, love.
564
00:36:02,300 --> 00:36:03,300
No, thanks.
565
00:36:03,381 --> 00:36:05,340
I don't want all the stock going missing.
566
00:36:10,541 --> 00:36:11,381
Sit.
567
00:36:15,021 --> 00:36:17,901
[panting]
Libby Croker, will you marry me?
568
00:36:17,981 --> 00:36:18,981
Oh, get up, Frank.
569
00:36:19,061 --> 00:36:21,780
You're only saying it
because I've been nagging you all week.
570
00:36:21,860 --> 00:36:24,581
No! I'm saying it because
I want you to be me wife.
571
00:36:25,780 --> 00:36:27,981
Then why don't you do anything about it?
572
00:36:30,381 --> 00:36:32,501
I wanted it to be a surprise.
573
00:36:34,780 --> 00:36:36,941
What? Have you planned the wedding?
574
00:36:37,021 --> 00:36:39,021
[John] Oi, anyone serving or what?
575
00:36:39,860 --> 00:36:42,261
John, John.
We're having a private conversation.
576
00:36:42,340 --> 00:36:43,421
D'you mind?
577
00:36:44,421 --> 00:36:46,261
-So, what do you say?
-Yes!
578
00:36:47,101 --> 00:36:47,941
When is it?
579
00:36:50,381 --> 00:36:53,501
[Jackson] They reckon it ends
on the 21st of December, 2012.
580
00:36:54,820 --> 00:36:58,901
22nd of December, 2012.
581
00:36:58,981 --> 00:37:00,581
Well, that's ages away.
582
00:37:00,661 --> 00:37:05,461
Yeah, but gives us a chance
to, to, to save up for a decent honeymoon.
583
00:37:05,541 --> 00:37:08,221
You know, abroad, like.
I want to do it properly this time.
584
00:37:09,061 --> 00:37:12,461
Now, let me assist the future Mrs
Gallagher
585
00:37:12,541 --> 00:37:15,221
in the distribution of
alcoholic beverages.
586
00:37:15,300 --> 00:37:18,021
-[Libby] No, you're all right. I can cope.
-Libby, Libby...
587
00:37:19,141 --> 00:37:20,661
You're going to be me wife.
588
00:37:22,021 --> 00:37:24,061
You know, we're a team. Partnership.
589
00:37:24,141 --> 00:37:26,101
We need to start as we mean to go on.
590
00:37:31,101 --> 00:37:34,261
Do you, um, want a drink?
591
00:37:34,340 --> 00:37:35,300
Nah, I'm all right.
592
00:37:41,661 --> 00:37:43,421
I owe you an apology.
593
00:37:46,421 --> 00:37:47,261
You were right.
594
00:37:47,340 --> 00:37:48,340
Hmm.
595
00:37:48,421 --> 00:37:50,261
I was overreacting.
596
00:37:51,741 --> 00:37:54,021
D'you want me to have a word
with the little prick?
597
00:37:54,101 --> 00:37:55,901
It's okay, it's all sorted.
598
00:37:55,981 --> 00:37:57,661
I reckon he's learnt his lesson.
599
00:37:59,300 --> 00:38:01,141
Oi. Show us yer tits!
600
00:38:05,661 --> 00:38:08,300
[screaming] Shit!
601
00:38:10,221 --> 00:38:11,340
You bitch!
602
00:38:15,621 --> 00:38:17,701
And what do the defence have to say?
603
00:38:19,501 --> 00:38:20,820
-[clears throat]
-Your Honour!
604
00:38:20,901 --> 00:38:21,860
[cries out]
605
00:38:26,461 --> 00:38:29,181
My family and I
have become the victims in all of this.
606
00:38:30,981 --> 00:38:33,820
The finger of guilt
was immediately pointed.
607
00:38:33,901 --> 00:38:35,461
We're completely innocent.
608
00:38:36,421 --> 00:38:39,541
You'd have to be fuckin' Rambo
to touch up any of the kids round here.
609
00:38:39,621 --> 00:38:40,621
I'm sorry.
610
00:38:40,701 --> 00:38:42,820
Apologies for blaspheming, Your Honour.
611
00:38:44,541 --> 00:38:46,541
But the country's gone mad.
612
00:38:46,621 --> 00:38:49,300
Kiddie fiddling's
become a national obsession.
613
00:38:49,380 --> 00:38:52,501
D'you know, I couldn't even take a photo
of me mate's little nephew
614
00:38:52,581 --> 00:38:54,541
as a shepherd in his school nativity play.
615
00:38:55,541 --> 00:38:57,661
I mean, what are people scared of?
616
00:38:57,741 --> 00:39:00,141
That some pervert's gonna get a stiffy
looking at him
617
00:39:00,221 --> 00:39:02,860
with a tea towel shoved on his head!
Don't get me wrong,
618
00:39:02,941 --> 00:39:05,621
y'know, I wanna see
proper paedos strung up.
619
00:39:05,701 --> 00:39:08,780
Y'know, the ones who get stuck in
before there's grass on the pitch.
620
00:39:08,860 --> 00:39:13,061
But well, you can't always be 100% sure
that they're legal, can ya?
621
00:39:13,141 --> 00:39:16,181
And anyway,
most 15-year-olds enjoy a good shafting.
622
00:39:16,261 --> 00:39:17,901
The hormones are raging.
623
00:39:17,981 --> 00:39:19,501
We targeted nonces
624
00:39:19,581 --> 00:39:22,181
in an effort to ensure
that they wouldn't have money left
625
00:39:22,261 --> 00:39:24,461
for... for sweets or, or, or puppies,
626
00:39:24,541 --> 00:39:26,981
or whatever they use
to get their end away.
627
00:39:27,061 --> 00:39:29,541
But when
they barged in our home yesterday,
628
00:39:30,581 --> 00:39:32,300
we were thrown into a nightmare.
629
00:39:33,661 --> 00:39:35,701
We're the heroes in all of this,
630
00:39:35,780 --> 00:39:37,061
not the villains.
631
00:39:42,300 --> 00:39:43,221
Thank you.
632
00:39:48,741 --> 00:39:49,981
Case dismissed.
633
00:39:50,061 --> 00:39:51,860
[cheering, laughter]
634
00:39:51,941 --> 00:39:54,340
[Mimi] Who's a clever boy then, Micky?
635
00:39:54,421 --> 00:39:58,860
Wrong date on warrant.
Improper police paperwork.
636
00:40:02,581 --> 00:40:04,741
-Uh, this is the living room.
-[Patty] Aha.
637
00:40:09,741 --> 00:40:10,581
Yes...
638
00:40:12,221 --> 00:40:14,300
-Do you watch Corrie?
-Of course.
639
00:40:14,380 --> 00:40:16,181
-[both chuckle]
-Good.
640
00:40:16,261 --> 00:40:18,340
Could've been
the shortest marriage in history.
641
00:40:29,501 --> 00:40:30,340
There.
642
00:40:34,901 --> 00:40:37,621
-I better unpack.
-Ah, that can wait.
643
00:40:38,581 --> 00:40:41,021
I've a little surprise.
644
00:40:41,101 --> 00:40:46,461
I suppose you could call it...
a wedding present. [chuckles]
645
00:40:46,541 --> 00:40:47,380
[Patty] Ooh!
646
00:40:54,300 --> 00:40:55,901
This one's for you.
647
00:40:55,981 --> 00:40:57,541
The mahogany.
648
00:40:57,621 --> 00:40:58,941
I bought mine years ago.
649
00:40:59,021 --> 00:41:00,021
Well, I!
650
00:41:01,581 --> 00:41:04,061
I'm not going to pass those things
every time I come in.
651
00:41:05,061 --> 00:41:07,820
You can shift them in the spare room.
652
00:41:07,901 --> 00:41:09,181
No need for that.
653
00:41:13,981 --> 00:41:15,300
[Patty] Oh... [chuckles]
654
00:41:21,701 --> 00:41:23,741
[chuckles] Go on.
655
00:41:24,901 --> 00:41:26,021
Surprise me.
656
00:41:33,141 --> 00:41:35,901
Um... I didn't realise you...
657
00:41:40,061 --> 00:41:41,661
Am I not enough to live for?
658
00:41:41,741 --> 00:41:42,941
Oh, Patty.
659
00:41:43,021 --> 00:41:45,261
Of course,
I thought you'd change your mind
660
00:41:45,340 --> 00:41:48,021
once we were married.
I thought you'd want to be with me.
661
00:41:48,101 --> 00:41:49,981
Oh, believe me, I do!
662
00:41:50,820 --> 00:41:52,981
That's why I still want you
to come with me.
663
00:41:55,300 --> 00:41:56,340
[Patty murmurs] Okay...
664
00:41:58,221 --> 00:42:00,501
We could have a good life!
665
00:42:02,541 --> 00:42:06,581
You only feel like this
because you've been on your own so long.
666
00:42:08,141 --> 00:42:13,141
Once you have people round you,
people who need you, everything changes.
667
00:42:13,221 --> 00:42:16,501
Patty! I've been ringing
your helpline for years.
668
00:42:16,581 --> 00:42:19,261
-I know, I know!
-It's... it's only a matter of time.
669
00:42:19,340 --> 00:42:20,820
Yes, but not today.
670
00:42:20,901 --> 00:42:23,021
Your daughter has her own life now.
671
00:42:23,101 --> 00:42:26,221
You wouldn't wanna die alone
in some grotty nursing home.
672
00:42:28,581 --> 00:42:29,701
No, but...
673
00:42:30,981 --> 00:42:35,141
[emotive music]
674
00:42:35,221 --> 00:42:36,541
Come with me, Patty.
675
00:42:39,181 --> 00:42:40,021
Today?
676
00:42:47,061 --> 00:42:48,221
You okay?
677
00:42:51,741 --> 00:42:56,661
Just... see it... as going away...
on our honeymoon...
678
00:42:57,581 --> 00:43:00,021
that will last... eternity.
679
00:43:06,061 --> 00:43:09,021
See you... on... the other side.
680
00:43:11,061 --> 00:43:13,421
[dramatic music]
681
00:43:14,501 --> 00:43:16,780
Five... four...
682
00:43:18,860 --> 00:43:19,741
three...
683
00:43:21,780 --> 00:43:22,621
two...
684
00:43:24,581 --> 00:43:25,421
one.
685
00:43:25,501 --> 00:43:28,181
-[Patty cries out]
-[choking, gagging]
686
00:43:28,261 --> 00:43:30,021
[rope creaking]
687
00:43:32,900 --> 00:43:35,221
[emotive music]
688
00:43:45,421 --> 00:43:47,501
[whimpers]
689
00:43:55,621 --> 00:43:56,621
[cries out]
690
00:43:57,661 --> 00:44:00,661
[emotive music continues]
691
00:44:09,860 --> 00:44:12,581
-I'm having a few problems.
-Not on the kitchen table, Carl!
692
00:44:13,421 --> 00:44:14,340
How d'you get that?
693
00:44:18,101 --> 00:44:20,380
-Punter wouldn't pay their instalment.
-Which one?
694
00:44:23,141 --> 00:44:24,860
Walker.
695
00:44:24,941 --> 00:44:26,141
Debbie Walker?
696
00:44:26,221 --> 00:44:27,541
[laughs]
A woman?
697
00:44:28,501 --> 00:44:29,780
Where are the babies?
698
00:44:30,701 --> 00:44:31,860
At the creche.
699
00:44:31,941 --> 00:44:33,221
[Mimi] What bleeding creche?
700
00:44:39,860 --> 00:44:40,981
What?
701
00:44:43,221 --> 00:44:46,900
Taking you off the rounds, mate.
You've got enough on your plate here.
702
00:44:46,981 --> 00:44:49,261
I'll start helping out with Cilla more.
703
00:44:49,340 --> 00:44:52,101
I'll do her night feeds. Mondays.
704
00:44:52,181 --> 00:44:53,461
Not on a bingo night.
705
00:44:55,501 --> 00:44:57,820
[Micky]
We all end up with some sort of baggage
706
00:44:57,900 --> 00:45:01,021
but the thing that determines
whether you'll be carting round
707
00:45:01,101 --> 00:45:04,101
a little Gucci or a fuck-off Samsonite
for the rest of your life,
708
00:45:05,421 --> 00:45:08,181
it's all about how much
is invested in you as a nipper.
709
00:45:09,741 --> 00:45:11,701
I may not be bringing in
any actual money...
710
00:45:13,701 --> 00:45:15,300
but what I do is priceless.
711
00:45:16,300 --> 00:45:19,501
After all, I'm busy creating the future.
712
00:45:20,541 --> 00:45:23,261
-When was the last time you slept?
-Last Tuesday.
713
00:45:23,340 --> 00:45:25,900
-[Cilla gurgles]
-Oh, for fuck's sake.
714
00:45:25,981 --> 00:45:28,661
[Karen] One in four people in this country
are mentally unstable.
715
00:45:28,741 --> 00:45:30,261
Will I get used to it?
716
00:45:30,340 --> 00:45:33,141
[Kelly] We'll have that place
like a palace by the time we finish.
717
00:45:33,221 --> 00:45:34,421
[Jackson] If your husband's out,
718
00:45:34,501 --> 00:45:36,661
I'll come round soon as
and sort your pipes out, Mrs Smith.
719
00:45:36,741 --> 00:45:37,820
He's having an affair.
720
00:45:37,900 --> 00:45:38,780
What?
721
00:45:38,860 --> 00:45:42,941
I want the pair of yous out my house.
You're not welcome.
722
00:45:43,021 --> 00:45:44,461
This is the devil's work!
80223
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