Original subtitles

-[tapping] -[intro music]

Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt,

needs to watch their back. [cries out]

So, you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk,

sending prices sky high,

literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots.

And now you've got your con-dem-nation,

Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.

Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?

Is revolution a word or was it never?

Anybody watching, needs to know

we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.

Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester

and they charge us for water!

I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found,

this green and pleasant land in ancient times...

yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!

It's not theirs anymore.

-This is our England now. -[cheering]

Party!

[intro music]

[intro music fades away]

["Feeling Good" by Muse plays] ♪ Birds flying high... ♪

[Carl] This week I officially became a man.

Got to admit, there were times I didn't think I'd make it.

But here I am.

No one is more surprised about that than me.

Most of my family fucked off before they got the keys to the door

and I always thought I'd do the same.

But why should I?

I'm happy where I am.

The grass isn't always greener.

♪ And I'm feeling good... ♪

[Carl] Sometimes everything you want,

everything you need

is right there under your nose.

So put your time in.

Water, prune,

feed your little patch,

keep the weeds at bay.

Let it grow.

♪ Blossom on the tree ♪

♪ You know how I feel... ♪

[Carl] As any gardener will tell you,

nothing encourages growth like a good dose of shit.

♪ For me... ♪

[Carl] So after nearly 21 years in the stuff,

I reckon it's my time to fuckin' bloom.

♪ Dragonfly out in the sun ♪

Inside and out, yeah?

♪ You know what I mean ♪

-[music ends] -Just a small affair.

Finger buffet, decorations.

The young ones are all charlied up,

it's all they can do to prize their jaws apart,

never mind tackle a Scotch egg. You'll be wasting your money.

It's Carl's 21st.

We need to mark it.

How have you managed to run up a £500 phone bill?

-I haven't. Joe has. -It's addressed to the shop.

Grandad's shop.

Which he left in your incapable hands.

Sort it!

It's a gay sex line. Joe rented it, got the phones manned. He raked it in.

-How do you know? -I was never off 'em.

What?

I mean, Ian was never off them.

Dirty bastard.

Filthy fuck.

It's a pound a minute off peak, £1.50 peak.

Stories take a few minutes to really kick in,

so a fiver at least before the money shot, but it's worth it.

So Ian said.

But you'd make a killing.

"Suck my throbbing cock" and all that stuff.

I'm not talking dirty so some fruit can have a wank.

No, yeah, I don't blame you.

Fucking pervs!

[door opens]

Our joint account's two grand down.

We agreed Jamie wasn't getting a cut of our business.

It all goes in the pot anyway.

Whose pot? Certainly not ours.

He'll be wanting a cut from my takings at Lillian's next.

-Why didn't you tell me? -Because I knew you'd react like this.

What's it gonna take for you to stand up to him?

How many times will he have to fuck you over, fuck us over,

before you tell him enough's enough?

Come back when you've grown a pair of bollocks, eh.

["I'm Gonna Love You Just a Little More, Baby" by Barry White plays]

♪ It feels so good ♪

♪ You lying here next to me ♪

♪ Oh, what a groove ♪

♪ You have no idea how it feels ♪

♪ My hands just won't keep still ♪

♪ I love you, baby ♪

♪ Oh, I love you, I love you I love you ♪

♪ I just want to hold you ♪

♪ Run my fingers through your hair ♪

-[music pauses] -Do the water thing.

Do the water thing!

[music resumes]

-[music pauses] -Hose me down, Scudder.

Hose me down!

♪ You like it like that ♪

♪ Closer ♪

♪ Come here, closer, close ♪

-[music stops abruptly] -You can have that one for free.

[Sita] You normally charge? Can't make much.

I'd do it again for the price of a pint.

-[running water] -It's my birthday Friday.

Could be my date if you play your cards right.

-Fuck you're doing? -Ain't it obvious?

With my water?

[Sita laughs]

Sita, Friday?

Maybe when you're driving the car, not washing it.

Yeah, thanks for fucking nothing.

[Carl] No one else have an outside tap.

It's not a problem, Carl.

[Jackson] Oh, let's just give him the keys to the house then, shall we!

Keys.

Here,

-take my wallet. -Jackson, give it a rest.

It's only a bit of water!

Which I pay for!

Put that towards your next bill.

[Mimi] They'd have the eyes out your head. Thieves.

Yeah.

Avril in? You left this in the pub.

And I think these bananas are on the turn.

They're plantain.

Ah, thanks for bringing them round, Meems.

-Never seen half of these. -[Avril laughs]

-[Jackson] You must've seen this one. -Only coming out of a tin.

[Jackson] I can't stand processed food.

I'd sooner starve.

I like to make a dish from scratch.

You know... stuff you learned watching your ma in the kitchen.

It's tradition.

I was brought up that way.

-He's full of it. -He's full of something.

[Jackson] It's about making an effort.

It's hard getting motivated when you're on your own.

-You should have dinner with us. -I wouldn't want to get in the way.

[Avril] You wouldn't. We've always got mates round our table. It's tradition.

We were brought up that way.

-I'd love to. -[Avril] That's settled then.

Jackson can rustle something up he learned from his mum.

-Can't wait! -Neither can I.

-See ya later. -[Avril] Bye, love.

If I'd known me legs were gonna get slapped, I would've worn shorts.

[Avril] I'm not slapping you. I like her.

You're doing this to wind me up.

For once, this isn't about you.

It's about being neighbourly.

Making friends.

I teach their kids.

I see them everyday at the school gates. I don't want them round for dinner.

[Avril] We all know what this is about.

This is about me not wanting that type under my roof.

-That type? -Oh, you know what I mean.

I'm an educated man, I don't think that way.

[Jamie] I want them looking new.

Bet that back seat's seen some action.

-Imagine if it could talk. -Just make sure it doesn't.

-Jamie, quick word? -Busy.

[Jamie] Harry?

Yeah.

-I'm wasted cleaning cars. -Tell it to somebody who gives a shit.

-[Carl] Well, get a kid to do it. -We have.

[Jamie] I'll get back to you.

-Got nothing more interesting going? -For you? No.

Got nothing a bit more demanding than this?

I always find something for the right man.

[Carl claps]

[Shane] Jamie,

I've just told him no.

-You just made me look a right twat. -I do the hiring and firing.

And you are a right twat.

Come on, come on!

[woman] I could beat her.

-[Mimi] You've got the bandages off now? -[punter] They come off last night.

[Mimi] What happened to her?

Loan shark.

Well, you know what they say. If you can't swim, keep out the water.

It was the only way she could afford that luxury spa weekend.

[Karen] This could cheer you up.

Not screaming "Me", is it?

Well, no that's why I bought it.

You could wear it on your nights off.

-I've embarrassed you, haven't I? -No.

Ta.

[Mimi] Right, what can I get you?

Do you know? I've gone off the idea.

Come on, Sandra, we can't afford this.

Oi!

-What's up with her? -You're her husband.

Fresh from the chippy.

I'd sooner have our two grand back.

-Just give me a bit of time, eh? -I tried that.

Result? Jamie and Karen are still taking the piss.

-As well as our money. -[door closes]

What do you think? She's got the legs for them.

[Mimi] Karen bought me them.

-With our money. -Kel...

Jamie took the money we made from the school's security contract.

Of course you knew that already.

That was family money.

-You got your cut. -Cut?

-We earned every penny that's in there! -Rein her in, Shane.

That might've been the way your marriage worked, Mimi, but not mine.

I'll get the cash meself. Like I should have done in the first place.

-Got the Young Conservatives in again? -[Kelly laughs]

-What's the damage? -£8.69.

How apt.

Stick it on me slate.

-No! No more credit! -[Kelly] Laters 'taters!

[Chesney] It's nearly a ton!

[Chesney] Suck my throbbing cock?

Fuck. Erm...

Look, Ches, erm,

thanks for the offer and that but, erm,

-you're not really my type. -I'm talking about that sex line.

Oh, me too, yeah. [laughs]

I can't get it out me head.

Yeah, dirty things.

I've got final demands coming out my fucking ears.

How does it work?

Ha! I wondered how long it'd be before the Missus

kicked him out and told him to get things sorted.

Adding psychic to your long list of talents?

Karen phoned.

[Shane] I just want a fair deal.

-And so does Kel. -You've got a fair deal.

Your cut's in direct proportion to the risks you take.

[Shane] We're brothers, equal.

-Never have been, never will be. -[Shane] Right,

I've got a few, a few ideas of me own. I want to them try out.

You had your chance to run things and you got your arse kicked.

That's why I'm in charge.

Lock up.

How did I do?

Good. Any problems?

[Carl] In the boot. I don't know what happened...

-Best not knowing. Can you live with that? -Yeah.

[Jamie] Good.

That's going straight in my 21st fund.

Got another job lined up for tomorrow.

Yeah, too right.

[Jamie] Get something smart. Presentable.

Working for the family now.

[Jamie] That's right.

Got to hand it to you, Jackson, that food was beautiful.

-[Jackson] Ta. -[Mimi] And all learned at his ma's knee.

[Avril] I think it had more to do with Delia Smith,

but he made the effort.

[Jackson] Bollocks.

-You lost something? -[Jackson] That Billie Holliday.

I lent it out and I haven't had it back.

Billie Holliday? Christ knows she needs a fucking holiday!

Have you heard the screeching from her?

-She sang about racial hatred. -She couldn't tell me nothing new.

Because of Liverpool's involvement in slavery?

[Mimi] The Toxteth riots.

I stood shoulder to shoulder with your lot.

And I looted a fabulous fucking telly and video while I was at it!

[Jackson] You joined in the struggle

and came away with a Surround Sound?

Wages of war.

Race war.

[Mimi] That was the angle Thatcher and her mob pushed.

Had fuck all to do with race

and everything to do with the fact that anyone who lived there

got treated like shite by that Tory bitch.

We got to the point where we decided

-enough was enough. -Good on you.

You're too young to remember,

if you lived in places like Toxteth,

Moss Side, St Paul's in the 70's and 80's,

you were black whether you were black or not.

Know what I mean?

"I'm a fucking scally and I'm screwing your gaff.

If you don't tell the dibble, I'll let you pull down my trackies

and swallow my big hard cock.

Smack my arse till it's red raw.

Stick your fingers up my..." Fuck right off!

This is disgusting, man!

[Micky] It's supply and demand.

Where there's shit, there's brass.

Do you need the cash or not?

[Chesney sighs]

"That's right, I'm scum.

Just out of Borstal, balls ready to burst.

Now, work your tongue

-around my tight, working-class--" -No!

It's, "Work your tongue down my throbbing shaft,

licking your way to my tight working-class ring."

Get it right, for fuck's sake!

And your rhythm's all wrong.

You'll be losing punters left, right and centre.

Now, go again from the top.

Ready?

-"I'm a working-class scally--" -Bit gruffer.

-"I'm a working class scally." -Spot on.

-"I'm screwing your gaff." -Filthy cunt.

[Kelly] Mind if I hand these out?

-What are they? -Discount vouchers.

Recession. Not much money about, is there?

Not as much as there used to be.

Anything you want for a tenner.

Gonna film it, too.

Chance for you to be the star

of your own little movie. How about that?

What do you think you're doing?

[Kelly] Can't you read?

[Karen] Not here.

Not ever.

Cos everybody knows nothing underhand happens in here, don't they?

Get out of my pub.

But it's not your pub.

Jamie robbed it from under your nose when you were having your wobbly.

-Or did you forget? -[Karen shouts]

[people shout]

[ruckus]

What the fuck is going on?

Like a pair of bitches on heat!

Pack it in!

This is getting sorted once and for all.

Family pow-wow.

I'll tell you where and when.

Now git!

And you!

Drink.

I said drink!

Go straight to that address,

no detours, no fucking about. You do not let this out of your sight.

Give it to a guy called Kermit.

-Understood. Family business. -Important family business.

We only talk on that.

You'll need a car.

[honk]

[pop music plays]

-Bit old for joyriding. -Company car.

On business. I finish at six.

-That right? -I'll pick you up outside the shop.

Come on, live a little.

I'm a nice guy when you get to know me.

-[Sita laughs] -The girls say that.

We could be on the Dales in half an hour. Country pub.

Bit of food.

I'll be outside the shop at six. Make sure you are.

[electronic male voice] Step, kick, turn. Step, kick, turn.

Kick and... turn.

Step, kick, turn, and pop.

Hold it.

Plie down slowly.

Like grinding on a cock.

Come on, Saskia, get your knees wider than that.

I've seen you on Saturday night on the wheelie bin out back.

Big finale! Teeth and tits.

Fuck me. Just tits.

And...

five,

six,

seven, eight.

Sex on a fucking plate! Right.

Get yourselves washed up, ladies, top and tail.

Fucking stinks like a fucking fishmonger's in here, fuck me.

Like fucking Grimsby.

I take it you're not here for the audition.

It's Maguire business.

Not here, you fucking idiot!

Never in public, you fucking twat!

[upbeat music in distance]

-You must be Carl. -Carl Gallagher.

Not a Maguire.

-Jamie must trust you. -His right-hand man.

[Kermit] An alsation ripped me throat open

and swallowed me voice box.

-We laugh about it now, don't we, Griffin? -[dog growls]

[Kermit] Don't worry.

He's been fed.

You'll have to go upstairs in the bar while I count this.

Tasty little Pole on a pole up next.

You can fuck her if you want. My treat.

She likes it up the Gary.

[Kermit laughs]

[dog barking]

Down, Griffin!

[Jackson] She hates Billie Holliday.

I hate Billie Holliday.

Can't stand Michael Jackson,

think Al Green's only ever done three decent tunes in his life.

Don't get me started on Diana Ross.

She treated the riots as an excuse for a looting spree.

I think some of your black brothers may have done the same.

We both know what the root of this particular problem is.

-Not that again. -You're a Man U fan.

-All Man U fans hate Scousers, admit it. -You're being ridiculous.

You're accusing Mimi of all sorts,

when both know who the real bigot is.

I resent that. She says we're different.

You'd call her a racist if she didn't. She can't win.

You've got me all wrong.

I just say you can't make assumptions on the colour of someone's skin.

I know, babe.

I mean, I always assumed all black men had big cocks.

[Avril laughs]

[Jackson] Give us those here!

[soft music]

Going somewhere?

[dog barking]

I don't know what you're talking about!

I thought you said this was untouched?

Jamie handed it to me and I handed it to you.

Jamie's too clued in to cross me, son,

which means the only person stupid enough to try and rip me off is you.

No, Kermy!

It's Kermit, you little piece of fucking shite!

[Carl grunts]

[Carl] You touch me and Jamie'll come down on you so fuckin' hard!

You're messing with the Maguires!

You think Jamie's gonna go to war with me over a waste of space like you?

-Look, what the fuck's all this about? -Down, Griffin!

-[dog whines] -[Kermit] This is two grand light.

It can't be.

It's never left my side.

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

I'm going to teach you a lesson, son, that you're never going to fucking forget.

-[Carl] Oh, please, no! -[Kermit] Hold him down, Judy.

No, no, no, no.

[Carl sobs]

[Carl] I swear to God, I didn't touch a penny of it!

Please, not that, anything but that.

Please just don't bum me, please, Kermit!

Bum you?

I'm not going to fucking bum you, you filthy little fucker.

I'm changing into me trackie bottoms!

I've got two new numbers to choreograph by Friday lunchtime.

Jamie'll vouch for me.

I'd never do nothing like that. I'm not a thief, I swear!

Will you stop your fuckin' moaning? Jesus!

[Carl] Fucking wasn't me.

[Kermit] I've been dealing with the Maguires

since before you were born, son.

-Paddy never let me down. -[clacking]

Mimi never let me down,

Jamie never let me down.

Until he started using you.

I never--

[Kermit] I can't run the risk of another little toe-rag ripping me off,

thinking I'll just stand back and do nothing.

I have to send out a very clear message

that this type of behaviour will not be tolerated.

[Carl] Oh, no.

[Kermit] Which one's your wanking hand?

-What? -It's not a difficult question,

you thick fucking twat!

Which one's your fucking jizz fist?

Left or right?

I'm...

-I'm ambidextrous. -Oh, he's ambidextrous, Judy.

I'll just have to cut a finger off both, then, won't I?

Hold him still, Judy, or I'll have the fucking lot off.

Tell your mates, Carl.

-Nobody fucks with Kermit. -No.

[Kermit] Not even little Miss Piggy.

[Carl] Please, please! [sobs]

Me bollocks!

[engine starts]

[mobile phone rings]

Peek a boo!

[Carl yells]

[Sita] Yep, cool.

Meet you there in a bit. Bye.

Just off to meet a friend in town.

Well, next time you report to granddad,

tell him I'm back in the black.

All sorted, like I said it would be.

[door closes]

After that feast you cooked me,

I want to return the favour.

Been ringing round me mates from Tocky.

Don't know whether to do Afro-Caribbean...

Somali...

Thai?

Very multicultural.

Never judge a book by its cover.

Obviously.

Every colour of the rainbow where I grew up.

At school, I was a right wigger.

Had the Bo Derek braids and loved Boney M,

and The Cosbys. [laughs]

-Can't thank you enough for your support. -I'm just one big melting pot, me.

Got a few football tickets to get rid of.

-Usual. -I'll take the Liverpool ones.

Wouldn't touch the United ones with a shitty stick, though.

You and me both, the smug fucking bastards.

-See you later. -See you later.

See you.

Just been talking about your lot.

My lot?

I know you're always in the limelight and on telly,

but fucking hell, do you ever stop rubbing it in?

A glorious history and all that shite.

Do us all a favour and shut the fuck up for a bit, eh?

Fuck that.

-I'm not drinking in here. -What's happened?

Us lot are just off home, Mimi.

And good fuckin' riddance, eh!

[door opens and closes]

[Avril] Jackson!

[Carl breathes heavily]

[thunders]

[mobile phone rings]

-Carl. -Look, I'm sorry... right.

Carl, what the fuck?

I just need for you to know that it wasn't me

that fucked up your business.

-[Mimi] Let's start. -I've got business.

-[Mimi] Can it wait? It's gonna have to. -[Jamie] Can't.

[Shane] It's a family meeting. We should wait for Micky.

[Jamie] He's even less use than you.

-Can we get this over with? -[Karen] Right.

She...

was handing these out in the pub.

"Your chance to appear in your own porno

as 'Kelly Does Chatsworth'.

I need 50 of the hardest men I can find,

and I mean hard,

to make my dream come true.

Do you measure up?"

You were handing these out in the pub?

Paddy was selling smack to kids a few years back.

You were dealing weed from your own front door!

I wasn't sticking me arse out of it

and charging a tenner for it to be filled, was I?

Did you know about this?

If you mean did I ask his permission, no, I didn't.

It's been difficult trying to make ends meet.

[Kelly] It's been fucking impossible and it's been made worse

by the fact that we've been getting ripped off by so-called family.

[mobile phone rings]

Kermit.

It can't be. I counted it myself.

No, I'm not calling you a liar.

Carl wouldn't do that.

Look, I'm on me way. I'll sort it.

-15 minutes, yeah? -[Kelly] Who've you been upsetting now?

Carl made a drop to Kermit.

It's down two K. He won't do business.

-Carl's ripped us off. -[Jamie] I'll kill the little fucker.

[train rattling in distance]

My bird walked out on us, yeah?

[moans] Left us in a right Jeremy Kyle.

Yeah, I have to sell me arse now just to keep her in nappies.

Yeah, you like that, don't you?

Yeah, got you nice and hard, has it?

You've cum already?

I hadn't even got started.

We are sitting on a gold mine here, I'm telling you.

A few more days, it'd set you up for life.

-Reckon? -We cleared over a grand in two days.

Another week and you could buy that car you've had your eye on.

Fortnight in Spain next summer.

Nice trackie, trainers.

-Babe magnet. -Yeah?

More pussy than a cat's home, mate.

[mobile phone rings]

[Chesney] Yeah, lick my Adidas, you piece of shit.

-You want it, don't you? -I do indeed.

-Desperate for it. -I'm partial to a pilchard,

but I wouldn't say desperate.

You want to stick it up my nice, tight, virgin arse.

No, I'm going to stick it on a cracker.

Give me a bit more notice when you're up for a bit of kink

and I'll gladly oblige.

He hasn't been home.

He'll have been out spilling his seed, just like his father.

[Lillian] My Brendan was the same. Spilling it everywhere, just like a hose.

Ruined the Axminster.

Had his prostrate whizzed out, that put a stop to it.

Then Rodney took over where his father left off,

spilling it left, right and centre.

It's such a persistent stain, isn't it?

Well, I'm starting to worry.

-What if he misses his own birthday party? -He's not a child.

It's a Gallagher thing.

All the men try and do a runner before any celebration.

-Can I have a hand here, please? -Unless, of course, there's a free bar.

Eh?

[mobile phone rings]

[Carl sighs]

There's not many places you can hide in this car.

Get the fuck off!

[Avril] Jackson's running late.

He's dropping Letitia off at a friend's.

-I hope you like this. -Why wouldn't we?

[Mimi] Don't think curry's too heavy for lunch?

[Avril] Stop worrying.

It's just that your fella's not that easy to impress.

So why try?

-Who cares what he thinks? -I do.

There's one thing you should know about Jackson.

He's a good man and I love him,

but he can be a complete wanker.

At least he knows his own mind and stands up for what he believes in.

-[knocking] -[door opens]

[Jackson] All right, all right, calm down, calm down.

Is right, Mimi, girl?

Buzzin', laughin',

toffee apple, kidda! [laughs] Eh?

The money wasn't there. He was going to cut my fingers off.

Strip.

-What? -I said strip.

I didn't take the cash.

It's hard for you to believe, but I didn't.

I wouldn't!

It's not in my nature.

You put your faith in me, why chuck it back in your face?

Get in the car.

-Please, Jamie. -Get in the fucking car!

-I'm sorry, I'm sorry. -Man up, Carl.

[Carl cries]

[Jamie] Come on!

[Carl] I'm just a kid.

I don't want to go with you.

My cock's as thick as a beer can and it wants your hole.

The hardest scally on the streets, that's who this is,

now touch your toes and spread those butt cheeks.

Who?

But I've got a jock strap on and I'm just back from the match.

I've got an eight-inch throbber.

He wants you.

[Chesney] I told you before, you filthy little fucker,

lick my boots clean.

I want every fuckin' stud gleamin'

and when you've done that, I want your mouth around my toes.

Nice one. Any time, mate.

Yeah, bye.

[Micky] It just rots the soul, dunnit?

You know, zaps your aura.

It's good money.

It can't be good for you absorbing that day after day.

It blurs your moral boundaries.

It's corrupted and it's making me feel sick talking to those perverts.

Fuck's sake, Micky.

If it's getting to you that much, let's stop it.

They're human beings, you know.

[mobile phone rings]

Fuck off, filth!

Urgh!

I think you owe Mimi an apology.

I think she owes me one.

All that shit about "your lot" and "our glorious history."

-Hundreds of years of oppression-- -Hang on!

When I said "your lot"

I meant Man United supporters!

Who the fucking hell did you think I was talking about?

[Avril] Jackson,

got it into his head you were insulting...

"us lot."

How fucking dare you!

So you get into the comedy Scouse gear to get your own back?

I was illustrating a point.

[Mimi] That Scousers are all trackie-wearing, curly-headed scum?

No, that it's a misconception.

The same as black people eating curried goat out of a wooden bowl.

Do you know how hard it is to find goat?

I go out of my way to provide an authentic meal.

I'm not a lover of goat.

You're right,

he is a wanker.

Well, you can take your sneery, half smile and fuck off.

And I'll flush that bag of skunk I bought.

Wouldn't want to offend.

Who's offended?

I've got the money.

It's not just about the money, Jamie.

I said I'd slip you some extra.

Call it compensation.

Your little rookie's not leaving here without a fucking mark.

I called you...

[Jamie] You'll take the cash

and leave me to sort him. You got it?

You've lost face? What about me?

Done over by someone I had ambition for.

Someone I gave a chance to. Someone I trusted.

I've got something lined up for Carl, don't you worry about that.

Put that on.

Blindfold, you tit.

[sad music]

[Carl whimpers]

No, Jamie.

-[Jamie] Any last words, Carl? -No.

[Jamie] C'mon.

Please, Jamie.

-[Jamie] The birthday boy's here. -[cheering]

Keep it together, bud.

Mate, I think I've just pissed a bit.

You owe me.

Hey.

[Karen] Happy birthday!

[Karen laughs]

-[Karen] What's up with him? -He's overcome.

We were worried sick.

-Did you do all this? -We helped out,

but Jamie organised everything.

[Jamie] Couldn't let me mate down.

["Paroles de Romeo" plays] ♪ You keep on giving me the hold-up ♪

♪ You know I wish You'd make your mind up ♪

[Mimi] The only decent thing to come out of Manchester is the M62.

And the greatest football team in the land.

-Wayne Rooney. -Oasis.

-Lennon wannabes. -[Jackson] Inflicting Cilla on us?

Mick fucking Hucknall.

-Liverpool was a city built on slavery. -I never dragged anyone out the jungle.

-Sins of the fathers. -What about sins of your fathers?

Some of them chiefs sold their own.

The black race have had to live through centuries of oppression.

[Mimi] I'm a woman, black.

Scouse, black.

Fat, black.

Working class, black.

And where were you when my ancestors were starving to death back in Ireland?

So don't talk to me about perse-fucking-cution!

We'll take your presents to the house.

[Patty] You can't trust this thieving lot.

All the best, son.

Now that you're 21, if you need any advice on women...

[chuckles] You cheeky twat.

Hey.

There you go, son.

I just wanted to say a few words on this special day.

-Got something for ya. -Time goes by so fast...

Seems like only yesterday...

-We didn't know what to get you. -So we got you these.

[Lillian] Happy birthday.

Listen, I really appreciate this, girls, but...

I'm spoken for so...

Took your fuckin' time.

I'm out.

You mean Jamie pushed you out.

My decision to walk.

-Sure you've done the right thing? -Absolutely.

I've had my wings clipped for too long.

Feel like I can fly with you.

You don't half talk shit sometimes.

-Go back now and kiss and make up. -Ah, ah, ah, you wanted bollocks.

Don't do this for me.

I am doing this...

for me.

And we are better on our own.

Whatever we earn is ours.

Just me and you, babe.

Bonnie and fuckin' Clyde, eh?

[snoring]

[loud music]

We're all just standing around stroking our cocks for the games teacher.

You were doing so well.

-I'm sorry about last night. -Last night?

[gas releasing]

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

-Didn't wait long, did you? -I didn't wait at all.

[chuckles] I wasn't there.

We made a date.

You made a date.

I had other arrangements.

[women shouting]

Those girls are more your type.

Enjoy your evening.

[soft guitar music]

[Carl] Lils, get down.

-[Jamie] Had a good night? -Yeah, thanks, Jamie.

I'm sorry, I thought you were...

-with the car and the blindfold. -Fucking hell.

I'm still two grand down, though.

You're going to have to work that off.

I thought you would've wanted rid.

I took it.

-You did what? -Well, it works for everyone else.

I took what was ours. You wouldn't hand it over, so I took it.

And you're not getting an apology

nor getting it back. It was ours!

-Wasn't it, Shane? -Do you know what trouble you've caused?

Wasn't it, Shane?

Shane...

I won't fuck it up again.

I know you won't.

-Sweetie... -Oh, leave him in his own vomit.

What if he chokes?

Throw a tablecloth over him. He'll be fine.

-I've joined the family business. -[Shane] That is funny, Carl,

because I just left.

I hope you know what you're doing.

[Carl] It's the only job with any prospects.

You're a dickhead, Carl.

A stupid, naive, little prick...

who's just made

the biggest mistake of his life.

And how's that?

You'll see.

[Carl] So your garden might not be all stripy lawns and blossom trees.

Could be full of thorns.

Hidden dangers.

But chances are you'll know all about them.

Twenty one years in this garden, this shithole,

this little plot of earth,

and I want 21 one more.

And I want to spend each and every one of 'em...

right here.

[Kelly] We said no more robbing. Got to give the new business a chance.

First big earner and you wanna run for help?

[Jamie] You might be in a spot of bother.

[Sita] They're using you!

[Chesney] Be more gentle with the clutch. But on the whole, some improvement.

They can let their hair down.

-[Sita] And their knickers. -Who's gonna hurt?

[policeman] Get down on the floor! Stay down! Stay down! Get down!

[Kelly] Another half hour, unless you want to pay for more.

-[screaming] -[outro music]

♪ Brown girl in the ring ♪

[chorus] ♪ Tra la la la la ♪

♪ There's a brown girl in the ring ♪

[chorus] ♪ Tra la la la la la ♪

♪ Brown girl in the ring ♪

[chorus] ♪ Tra la la la la ♪

♪ She looks like a sugar in a plum ♪

[chorus] ♪ Plum, plum! ♪

♪ Show me your motion ♪

[chorus] ♪ Tra la la la la ♪

♪ Come on, show me your motion ♪

[chorus] ♪ Tra la la la la la ♪

♪ Show me your motion ♪

[chorus] ♪ Tra la la la la ♪

♪ She looks like a sugar in a plum ♪

[chorus] ♪ Plum, plum! ♪