All language subtitles for Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia s17e05 Dog Track

See, do you want a hot dog?

No, that's off.

Dennis, dog.

Get that hot dog away from me or you're
going to get hot dog grease on my

seersucker suit.

Why'd you guys get so dressed up anyway?
People get dressed up to go to horse

races. We're not going to a football
game. You guys are going to look like a

bunch of schlubs.

All right.

Mac, you want a raw hot dog?

No. What? Charlie, you're eating them
raw? Yeah.

Mac and I are doing like this raw dog
thing. It's pretty cool. That's not what

raw dogging is. It's not?

It's a sexual thing, Charlie.

Well, that's true, Frank. But in this
case, it's a completely different kind

raw dog. It's like this whole TikTok
trend where people deprive themselves of

creature comforts while traveling
somewhere.

I don't get the point of it. Well, the
point is, it's about getting back to

basics before we're all pampered and
soft. Well, you're going to be missing

Mac. This whole experience is going to
be about glamour.

Opulence. The majestic excellence of
thoroughbreds. Earthquaking down a track

while we sip on mint juleps and eat
pimento cheese finger sandwiches amongst

southern elite.

Kentucky Derby?

Here we come.

Oops.

Uh -uh. What do you mean, oops? What
does that mean?

We're going somewhere else.

Somewhere else?

Freaking... Where are you taking us?

My God, this place is a shithole. What
are you talking about? This is great.

This is a dog track, baby.

You know, in hindsight, I should have
realized when we got those bus tickets

that the Kentucky Derby is not held in
West Virginia. All right, let's stop

bitching. What do we want to do? You
want to go play some bets or something?

It's a solo class.

All right, whatever.

Let's get some more raw hot dogs then.
We'll jump on Mac's raw dog day. You're

not getting it, Charlie. I am the raw
dog in this situation.

I don't want to eat dogs, watch dogs, or
be dogs.

Okay, this is not the classy vibe I was
looking for. Why are we here, Frank?

Well, because this place is closing
down, and I am a minority owner of one

those hounds. You own parts of a dog?

Yes, 40 % of pennies from heaven.

Pennies from heaven? God, if I was going
to be receiving something from heaven,

the last thing I'd want is pennies.
They're worthless. I got to pop up to

owner's box to chop up with the majority
shareholder first.

So... Owner's box, okay. I like the
sound of that. Get away from this

before one stabs us. Might be able to
get a decent cocktail up there.

Yeah, we'll do that. All right, Matt,
you want to go play some bats, dude?

That'll be fine.

Well, let's do it. Come on, man.

All right, how do we do this, man? Like,
how do we know which dog to bet on?

I guess we just pick the rawest one.

Yeah, but how do we know which is the
rawest dog? Like, you think there's,

a one -eyed dog or, like, a... I'm
pretty sure they're all going to have

eyes, dude. Yeah, that's what I'm
worried about.

Maybe we should ask one of these
mongrels around here. They look pretty

me. Yeah, these are raw people we're
with.

Look at that dude right there, man.

That guy looks like Dog the Bounty
Hunter. Who's rarer than that? He does.

does. But, you know, his hair routine,
that seems like a lot of effort, and

is not raw. Yeah, there's a lot of
primping involved.

Conditioner, blow dryers. It's not raw
to care that much. Really? What about

this dude?

I got a Snoop Dogg vibe off this guy,
right? Who's rarer than Snoop, man?

Nobody. Well, ever since he became best
friends with Martha Stewart at the

Olympics, that kind of took him. That
was weird.

Took the dog out of him. That killed it
for me. Took the dog out of him. That

killed it for me.

There's a guy right there.

Check this dude out. Which guy? Kind of
piecing out against the door right

there. He's raw. What makes you say
that? He's not wearing shoes.

Which is fucking disgusting.

Look at the ground.

No, man. There's something raw.
Something about this man. There's

about that. No, I'm getting a good vibe.
You know, I can sense it like a dog.

Come on, let's go. I don't get your
understanding of what I'm going for.

Excuse me, sir.

My friend and I are going to place a bet
on the next race. We just don't know,

like, who's a good dog, you know? If
you're sniffing around for a winner, I

my last bone on Squeaky Wheel.

Runs real good after the rain.

Loves the wind out of the southeast.

Squeaky Wheel's going to get the grease,
if you ask me. That's Squeaky Wheel.

That's a good pointer. It's your hot dog
on the ground.

Oh, sorry, dude. Yeah, I think I was
holding the bag upside down. I must have

dropped it.

You eating it?

Uh, no.

It's raw, though, just so you know. Oh,
that's okay.

Good luck with the race.

Okay. Yeah, thanks a lot, man.

Nice. That dude was great. Let's place
that bet. What are you talking about? I

think he's going to eat that hot dog. So
what? A raw hot dog from the ground?

Oh, Charlie. Oh, excuse me. Oh, I can
only eat food that was on the list.

Did you see those feet? Oh, I have to
have shoes on constantly.

Oh. I think he's very, very sick.

following your raw dog idea, and the
second I suggest something, you're

all over it, man. I give you advice of a
shoeless hobo, okay? My dog was

awesome, man. I don't know. I'm trying
to do your thing. His feet look like

hams. He's thick. I think he's very
thick. I do like the sound of an owner's

box. Yeah, we're owner's box people.
That's right. We belong here.

A little smoky. Yeah, my eyes are
burning. That's the Menthols. Oh, is it?

Hey, Frank.

My man.

How you doing, brother? I'm tits. This
is Dennis, and this is Dee.

They're my kids, or whatnot.

Okay.

You all dressed up. We were led to
believe we were going to the Kentucky

Yeah, we thought we were stepping into a
little bit more of a classy affair, you

know. I think you'll find the dog track
to be quite elegant.

Menthol? No.

I'm good. Thank you. I'm good.

Speaking of elegant, let's talk stud
rights.

I got what you want right here, Frank.

Your 40%. You did it already?

Yeah. I was supposed to film that for
the Saudis.

Saudis? Yeah.

Man, I don't do business with them.

What are you out there talking about?
Well, you got to do it again so I can

it. Before a race? Yes, before a race.
No way, Frank.

Milking's done.

Yes, yes. I believe they're talking
about masturbating a dog. That's what I

worried about. Okay, guys, we're out of
here. No, wait, wait, wait. The Saudis

will pay big money for that. Is that
right?

Yes.

That jar could have a border collie's
jizz in it for all I know. Yeah. I got

be sure.

I got that. Okay. What we should do is
we could sneak down there and I could

film you guys getting it.

He wants us to get it. We're not jerking
a dog off, Frank. That's not something

we're doing today. That's not the kind
of day we were looking to have.

All right. Okay, all right, all right.
You don't have to help me with the dog.

But don't take it out on the track.

I mean, you can still have some fun.

Why don't you put a bet on the first
race?

Here, here, I'll tell you what. Put $10
on Squeaky Wheel. I hate these stupid

dog names.

Here, you go. I'm not going to not take
it.

Holy shit, they are fast.

That is impressive.

Around the final turn, Squeaky Wheel
making a move.

Down the stretcher they come, it's
Squeaky Wheel.

We would have won, dude. Come on. We got
to go find that Rondon guy. That's our

guy. That's our Don, man.

Creepy wheel.

Okay, okay.

What did I tell you?

How much do we win? $200 each. Really?
Oh, my God, Frank. I got to tell you,

there's a real rush in this. Hey,
anybody want a screwdriver?

Yeah. Yeah, toss me one of those
menthols, too, while you're at it. Yeah,

Hey, Frank, when's the next race? Oh, we
got a minute. What, were you looking

for action?

Maybe, yeah. What do you have in mind?

Rochambeau for $100. I'm in. Wait, what?

Ready? Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Oh, rock, paper, scissors. I'm up $300.

Okay. I go. I go. I go.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Seriously,

dummy? Pay me, bitch.

I'll tell you what. We go $500 each,
right?

Absolutely. Ready? Absolutely. I'll call
this one. Okay. Rock, paper, scissors,

shoot. Oh.

I know he was going to do the same one
three times.

Yeah, I guess we lost it all, didn't we?
Is that it?

Okay, that's all right. We'll win it
back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Frank, what else can we bet on, man?
Okay, what number am I thinking of

one and ten?

$100. Okay, yeah.

Seven.

Nope, wrong.

You owe me $100.

Pork it over.

I don't know. We need to find this guy.
Maybe he just got lucky. Nah, this is

the guy, man. This is our raw dog.

Yeah, you know where he is? He's
probably at the ticket window collecting

winnings, right?

I don't know.

Wait a second. Is that him down there on
all fours? Is he foraging for more

food? He probably just dropped his
ticket or something, man. Come on, let's

talk to him. All right.

Excuse me. Uh, sir, hi. I don't know if
you remember us. We didn't get your name

earlier? It's Sparky. What you looking
for down there, Sparky?

Corn nuts.

See, dude, I told you he was looking for
food. No, not to eat.

See, people drop them and they blow onto
the track.

A single corn nut can turn a dog's
ankle, ruin its career.

Oh, so you're like a janitor here. Man,
I do that too. It's actually pretty

cool. No, I take care of the dogs. But I
do like to tidy up on occasion, like

that hawk dog that you found.

Dogs appreciated that, by the way.

That's what you were doing. Okay.

All right, but what's with the no shoes?

Dog don't wear shoes, so why should I?

I like to feel what they feel, know what
they know.

Dog's a majestic creature.

Ain't no coincidence the guy spelled
backwards is dog.

Oh, dude, I think I had you pegged like
all wrong. You are super raw.

Raw? Oh, yeah, my buddy and I were,
like, doing a raw dog thing. Yeah, I'm

trying to re -embrace my raw dog nature.

Lately, I've been feeling no joy. I've
overindulged.

I've been taking crazy risks. I jumped
off the top of a jungle gym the other

day. I went to a nightclub and got
really raw with it. Had a bit of a

I've been seeking my pleasures through
thrills and sexual conquests, and I

I need to be more raw.

You know, raw spelled backwards is war,
and you sound like you. War with

yourself.

It's blowing my mind. Wow, dude. Me too.
What else can you spell backwards? I

feel like we could learn something from
you, bro. Yeah, I want to learn the way

of the dog.

Yes. Yeah. Totally.

Can we tag along with you?

Let's do it. All right. Yeah, by the
way, how much you win?

Win? On your bet.

Oh, I don't bet on dogs.

Gambling can drive a man crazy.

Making him do things against his better
nature.

Gambling will make you lower than the
lowest dog there is.

No, no, no. Give me the tie, Dee. Come
on, what are you doing? Give me 18

Roll for it, then.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Woo!

I gave you this hat for the dog -siring
rights.

Ah, no dice, right? 100 grand, you can
go jerk them off right now. Come on,

guys, let's keep it classy, all right?
Next bet, next bet, next bet. Let's go.

All even numbers, I gave you, Jack. You
know, let's stick to cash, okay? You're

not getting any cash. I got no cash.

I got $3 in my pocket. You're out of
money. I got $3. 10 bucks, you're going

eat that gum off the floor. I'll do it.

No, what are you doing? Stop it.

$20, you ripped Dennis' jacket. No, I
just want to win my money back. Don't

the sleeve. Come on.

God damn it!

All right, roast your boat and get it
tailored. No problem.

Suck it, bitch. You got to get that shit
tailored.

You bitch.

I like it like that. Yeah, it's better
like that. All right, come on. Next bet,

next bet, next bet.

Yeah,

man. Some folks are just chasing the
wrong rabbit.

Dead one who's really running, sir.

Why are you spitting in the bowls?

I'll let you know on the album.

Oh, dude, that's... Sick, man.

I'm going to start spitting in people's
beers at my job, you know what I mean?

Nah, don't do that, though.

Goddamn, do you have any idea how much
money I blew on you? Excuse me for a

second, fellas.

We got a problem here.

I feel like I want to be raw, but every
time he does something cool, he then

does something really raw, and it kind
of grosses me out.

You don't like that he's spitting in the
dog food? No, I don't like that he

expressed that dog's anal glands with
his bare hands.

Yeah. But, I mean, like, look, dude, you
want to be raw, you got to get your

hands a little dirty. Well, you don't
got to, because there's gloves right

there. There were gloves right there,
weren't there? Whoa!

Whoa! Take it easy.

Okay, okay, okay. Well, he's got that
dog in him. Yeah, he's got a full dog on

that guy, huh? Forget about it. Forget
about it.

Wow, that was intense, man. Whoa!

Sorry I had to see that.

Sometimes I'm just off my leash and
protecting my pack. Yeah.

Oh!

That's the one you expressed the gland
with. Yeah. Yeah. Now, this dog here is

hurt.

He can't race no more. It makes him mine
now.

You get to keep the dog? Yeah, I got to
take him home, take care of him. I'm

going to live right here.

In the dog kennel? Oh, I wish.

I live in a trailer out in the parking
lot.

Oh.

Come on.

Let's get out of here.

What if this place makes animals of us
all?

Ready, set, go!

We've been degraded.

Frank, we're out of here. It's not
classy. It's not classy, Frank.

It's not classy. It's not classy.

It's not classy. I was bad. He pushed us
too far, D.

He turned us into the dog.

You got to stop, D.

man i have a plan i have a plan now we
can get our money back and then

nothing for our clothes no no no we
gotta be smarter than that team gotta be

smarter we can't play their games
anymore okay we're gonna get our money

we're gonna make even more money but
we're gonna have to do something pretty

come on sherlock bones let's go

Well, this is my kennel.

Cool, living at the dog track. That's
raw, dude.

Yeah.

Oh, well, pardon the tart, boys.

Dogs get a little messy every now and
then. Oh. And you're putting the dog's

needs first. Yeah, right. All day.

Man, you have opened my eyes.

Yeah. You have spent your entire life
giving, and all I do is take. Yeah,

a big taker. Yeah, I am. I'm a bit of a
taker. You are, too, though.

But look, I feel like being raw is
putting yourself last. And that's a good

to be.

Yeah, dude.

Put yourself last. And tarps? I mean,
pretty awesome, man. I might get a tarp

for Frank. What kind of breed is Frank?

Oh, Frank's a man.

He's a man. He's a man. He's a human
man, but he's messy like a dog. Yeah.

But he's a man.

Yeah. Anyways.

Yeah. Hey, listen, man, just thanks
again for everything. This has been an

awesome day.

I'm really just so sorry they're closing
this place down.

They're doing what now?

Oh, you didn't hear? Oh, this place is
closing down. Yeah, I think there's not

going to be any more dog tracks in
America.

I did not know that.

I think somebody would have told me.

Oh, well, I guess I'm always just the
last to know.

All right.

Say, boys, you...

I don't know if I'll go spend a couple
minutes with my thoughts here.

Yeah, no, go take a minute and we'll
hang here and... God, I feel bad that he

didn't know. I feel so bad. I can't
believe they would keep him in the dark

that, man. You know what?

He's got such a great outlook on life. I
bet he bounces right back. He

definitely will.

That sounded like a gunshot, man. It did
sound like a gunshot. Do you think he

shot the dog?

Why?

I don't know, maybe that's what he was
talking about when he says he takes care

of the dogs, like he shoots them when
they can't race anymore. Is that a

That might be a thing. That might be why
they're shutting down all these places

all over the country. Because they shoot
the dogs? Yes!

Oh.

Well, if he didn't shoot the dog, what
did he shoot?

Oh.

He was feeling a little too raw.

Hey.

Hi.

This is a crime scene now, right? Yeah.

You know what? Wipe our prints. Yeah,
we're thinking the same thing. We've got

to wipe the prints.

Let's just get out of here. Let's just
get out of here. You want to burn this

thing down?

Go, go.

Frank, there he is. Frank, Frank, we've
got to go. We've got to get out of here,

man. We've got to go. There is a seedy
underbelly to this place.

It's not good. Bad things happen.

Fingerprints. We've got to get out of
here. We've got to go. We've got to go.

Why are you drunk like this?

Yeah, not now, not now. We want our
clothes, we want our money, and we want

of whatever the Saudis were going to pay
you. You did it? Oh, yeah, we did it,

you son of a bitch.

Prove it.

No problem.

No,

we're going to do it. No, they're going
to see it.

With much respect, we present to you
Penny Sermon.

Champion racing dog.

Let this video serve as proof to show
authenticity.

Oh, God. Okay. All right. Here we go.

Yep. Yep. Get underneath.

Get underneath.

Oh, my God, man.

You won what? The bet. I bet Louie I
could get you guys to jerk off a dog,

you didn't.

The Saudis. What about the Saudis? I
don't know no Saudis.

I don't even own a dog. What are you
talking about, Frank? The only reason

we're here is so I could bet on you. You
are my raw dogs, and you won.

No, no, we're here because you wanted to
bet on the dog races.

Dog races? I never bought a bet on a dog
race. That's low -class shit.

Is the guy's raw dogging at home?

Anyone like a coordinate?

I don't know what's going on with me.
Let's do it again.